The walk home from the station was completely silent. And it wasn't a comfortable silence.
Roy wasn't sure what the right thing to say was to break it. He had no idea what Ed was feeling, and there was no way he could find out unless he asked.
He missed the bond. The thought made him uncomfortable, and he immediately instinctively rejected it. No, breaking the bond had been a good thing, he reminded himself. While having access to Ed's emotions had been helpful and interesting, it hadn't been normal. It hadn't been something he could've had forever.
The rest of the side effects had been awful, and he needed to focus on the fact that they, at least, were gone.
He tightened his hold on the leather strap of his suitcase as his mind ran through what he needed to do today; he had the reversal array drawn out on a large paper—courtesy of Ed—and he had to give it to the Fuhrer, alongside a full comprehensive report on its functionality. Then, they could reach out to the rest of the known victims of the soul bond array and finally unbind them.
Victims. Roy didn't feel like a victim of anything anymore. But that was probably because he'd gotten used to the bond. He'd relaxed, gotten used to this new way of living. Creature of habit, and all. But now it was time—to go back to Before. He just wasn't sure how much of Before was still possible.
But the other people—victims—wouldn't feel like Roy did. What had happened between Roy and Ed had been…unexpected, bizarre, unique. The rest of the victims would undoubtedly be beyond happy to be unbonded.
Once they reached his front door, Roy felt his abs clench in apprehension. This was it. He would finally get to know what Ed was planning on doing.
Roy had to go to work, so he'd just leave his suitcase and head to the office. But Ed…would Ed take this time to pack the rest of his things and leave?
He could do whatever he wanted now, and Roy would have no idea. He could decide to leave and never come back, and Roy would never find him.
The thought put a solid lump in his throat, and he focused on his breathing as he unlocked the door. Outwardly, he looked the epitome of calm, and he wondered if Ed could see through the facade now, without the bond to aid him.
He shut the door and set his suitcase down, his eyes on Ed. He was already in uniform; all he needed to do now was walk back out the door.
But Ed…
Ed walked past him, dumping his shoes under the coat hangers. His hands were buried in his pockets, seemingly casually, but Roy could see just how tense his muscles were. He'd seemed ready to walk further into the house when he paused, his back to Roy.
Ed didn't have a key, he realised. "I can leave you the keys if you need them," he said, keeping his words vague on purpose. He didn't want to influence Ed's plans or decisions. "I don't expect you to follow me to the office."
Ed didn't reply. He stood with his back to Roy for a second longer, and took a very deep breath. Then, he turned. He was worrying his bottom lip, avoiding eye contact.
Roy had been thinking up something to say to ease this weird tension, when Ed took a solid step forward and crashed his lips against Roy's.
Roy staggered backwards in surprise, placing his palms behind him against the door to steady himself. Ed grabbed him by his military jacket, his grip powerful enough to hoist Roy forwards.
"Ed," Roy tried saying, pulling back just enough to mumble it.
Ed let him go, his face beet red and his eyes wide and vulnerable. "Sorry."
Roy frowned, trying to ignore the pounding of his heart. Something was wrong, and he could't put his finger on it. Ed was acting weird.
"Ed," he said again, gently, moving closer to hold Ed's hand. Ed let him, his cheeks still red. "Is there something wrong?"
Perhaps a silly question, since Roy felt all kinds of wrong ever since the transmutation.
Ed was staring downwards, at their interlocked fingers. He took a deep, slightly shaky breath. Was he feeling nervous? Maybe he thought Roy was going to kick him out.
Roy wasn't sure he had that in him.
With his free hand, he grasped his chin, tilting his head so their eyes met. "Are you okay?"
Ed's golden eyes searched his face. Whatever he was looking for, he didn't find it, for his face fell. "Do you still want me?"
The question stole Roy's breath away. "Like the air I breathe."
Ed's lips twitched up in a small, hesitant smile. "So dramatic, bastard."
Fondness squeezed his lungs, and he leaned in, kissing Ed's soft lips like they truly were the air he needed to breathe. He kissed Ed deeply, passionately, their mouths gliding against each other slowly. As though to show him just how much he wanted him.
Ed hummed, his grip on Roy's hand tightening. With his other he gripped his jacket, pulling him closer.
Roy pulled back, but he was still close enough for their noses to touch. "Speaking of dramatic, I need to go to work otherwise I may just get shot in the head."
Ed rolled his eyes, but didn't let Roy go. He held on to his military jacket, his warm breath fanning his lips. "You can go later," he said, arms moving to wrap around his torso. "You're already late, what's another hour?"
Roy grinned, pulling Ed even closer to him, until their chests touched. His lips were so close. It was tempting, to stay here with Ed. So, so tempting.
"Hawkeye's disappointed, Ed. For a moment she thought you an ally." He wasn't sure what he was even saying, his eyes on Ed's lips and his hands now traitorously on Ed's hips.
Ed chuckled. "She won't shoot you, she needs you to sign the paperwork."
Roy smirked, leaning in to peck Ed on the lips. "I like your way of thinking."
Ed tutted, pulling back. He squeezed Roy's hand, quietly leading them up the stairs towards his bedroom. Roy followed like a lost puppy, his heart pounding in his ears, his blood heading south in anticipation.
The moment they were in his bedroom Ed grabbed him, crushing their lips together with a desperation, a need, that was different than usual. Ed needed Roy to show him that the bond hadn't altered the intensity of his feelings, that Roy still wanted him just the same.
And Roy would give him that reassurance. He had to prove himself, and he understood why. He had been so sure that the intensity of his feelings for Ed were in part because of the bond, and he had told Ed as much. For Ed, it had never been the bond, but for Roy…
He had to prove to Ed that this had nothing to do with the bond. Not anymore.
In a way, he had to also prove it to himself.
Roy's hands rid them of their clothes expertly, and he lowered Ed onto the mattress. Their lips remained locked, as though reluctant to separate even for a second.
Roy rolled his hips against Ed's, their cocks growing harder by the second. Ed groaned at the friction, spreading his legs further and arching his back to get more contact with Roy's body.
"You want me to make love to you?" Roy breathed, his lips brushing against Ed's.
Ed's legs wrapped around his back, his hands around his neck. The automail was cool against his skin. "I want you inside me, I don't care what you wanna call it."
Roy's whole body throbbed at those words. He pulled back just enough to reach into the bedside cabinet for the lube, and quickly slicked his fingers. As he pushed a finger into Ed, he said, "All I ever want is to be inside you."
Ed licked his lips, his eyes glazing over as desire took over. He parted his legs further, giving Roy the best access his could. He was rolling his hips, impatiently trying to get Roy's fingers deeper inside him.
Roy himself wasn't any better. His cock throbbed between his legs, demanding it replace his fingers.
"Hurry," Ed panted, thrusting upwards. His cock lay hard and leaking against his abdomen, but Roy refrained from touching it, from taking it into his mouth.
What he wanted was to bury himself deep inside Ed and forget about the gaping void in his chest.
He removed his fingers, quickly slicking up his cock, and soon he was pressing into the tight warmth that was Ed's body, and all he could do was groan.
Ed lifted his legs, taking Roy in expertly, panting and face scrunched up in bliss. The moment Roy was sheathed fully, he wrapped his arms around Ed's body, holding him close.
Ed's legs came to wrap around his back as Roy started thrusting. And just like that Roy's mind blanked beautifully, all his senses focusing on Ed, and the pleasure his body was bringing him. They were one as they rocked together, tangled in each other.
His face was buried into the crook of Ed's neck, and Ed held him there, one hand tangled in his hair and the other running down his back. His fingertips glided gently over Roy's skin, making him shiver, but as Roy picked up the pace, thrusting deeper and harder, it turned into scratching, Ed's nails digging into his back as though to anchor himself.
Ed's every breath was a choke moan, and the beautiful sound reached Roy's ears with every slapping thrust of their bodies. He kept up his pace, the pleasure rendering his brain utterly, blissfully useless as it intercepted every thought.
Ed's hips met each thrust so perfectly, his thighs tightening their hold on Roy's waist.
This was different, a part of him registered. It was less frantic, less urgent, less animalistic. The need was the same, intensely curling in Roy's abdomen and making him want to do unspeakable things to Ed.
But he couldn't feel Ed's pleasure through the bond. The bond could no longer feed them each other's desire until it reached a dangerous, explosive peak.
This, he realised, was his true desire for Ed. A pure need, a hunger that was untainted by alchemy.
He threaded his fingers through Ed's hair as he thrust deeper, rolling his hips and grinding against Ed's ass. He couldn't help the moan that escaped him as pleasure zapped through him. Ed took him so beautifully, his body accepting Roy's as though it were a missing part that was slotting back into place.
"Roy," Ed panted, his grip on Roy's hair tightening, his nails digging in his shoulder.
Roy pulled back just enough to look at Ed's flushed face, to kiss him slowly, deeply, their tongues caressing each other as their bodies rocked with a perfect, steady rhythm.
The orgasm took him by surprise, and he gasped against Ed's lips, thrusting hard and fast as he lost his pace and instinctively chased the orgasm instead.
Ed held him, groaning and grunting at Roy's hard, frantic thrusts.
"Shit, Ed," he whispered shakily, the pleasure searing through him until all he could do was moan with every thrust.
He felt Ed's hot release on his stomach as Ed came between them, shivering and gasping. His nails scratched down Roy's back, and Roy just held him, arms wrapped around him so fully he wasn't sure where he ended and Ed began.
Ed's every breath fanned over his skin as he panted, holding onto Roy while staring at the ceiling. His legs slipped off his back, slightly trembling. His fingers were still in Roy's hair, fingertips absently massaging his scalp.
Roy held him close, but it wasn't close enough. The hole inside him felt painfully obvious once again, the desire having left him with a calm emptiness. He was relaxed, and maybe that was why he could feel how something deep inside of him was quivering at the loss, and yearned for it to be restored.
It felt like something was missing, and he didn't know how to get it back. His soul felt almost bereft, his chest so hollow where once he could feel the thrumming of energy, of Ed. It had been a warm, comforting presence, he realised. And now it was gone, leaving him cold and alone in ways he'd never felt before.
Did Ed feel like this too?
With some effort, Roy managed to lift himself off Ed and roll onto the bed next to him. He took a few deep breaths, staring at the ceiling as his cheeks cooled down—he was most definitely blotchy again.
Ed shifted, scooting closer to curl up against Roy's side. Roy's arm wrapped around him almost on autopilot.
They were silent, and Roy felt every second of that silence. He looked down at Ed curled up against him, and his eyes met hesitant golden. "Maybe it was wrong to break the bond."
Roy gulped at that. He'd thought about it himself, but he hadn't dared voiced it. Hell, he hadn't dared let himself consciously think it. And yet here Ed was, bravely putting words to the wrongness they both felt. "We couldn't live like that, Ed."
That was what Roy kept telling himself, anyway. And it was the logical thing, too. They couldn't have continued living like that. Joined to the point where being in a different room made them ill. It was unrealistic to think that they could've managed it, simply for the unique feeling of safety and companionship the bond had given them.
All they had to do now was relearn how to live, and everything would be fine.
Ed bit his lip, and he looked down for a moment, at the mess they'd made between them. Roy wordlessly reached into the bedside cabinet for tissues, and gently started cleaning them up.
Ed watched him, his eyes sadder than Roy thought they would've been. "Yeah, but…It feels…" he trailed off, not having the words to describe what they both felt. Roy wasn't sure he did this time, either.
Satisfied with his mediocre cleanup, Roy leaned in and pecked Ed on the lips. "Our souls are bruised, Ed. This is just a side effect of the transmutation. We won't feel like this forever."
He hoped that was true, anyway.
Ed regarded him hesitantly, but settled back into Roy's arms. Roy's fingers threaded through his hair, softly running through the strands.
What if there had been something wrong with the reversal array though? The question was there, the answer a mystery. Roy didn't dare voice it, didn't dare hint that Ed and Al could've made a mistake.
But maybe it had been a mistake not telling Alphonse that their souls had started merging, despite all that it would imply. What if that had altered things, somehow? What if the separation of their souls hadn't been a clean break like it would've been had they just been touching? What if that partial merge was the reason for this deep-seated feeling of loss?
Ed sighed contentedly as Roy's nails scratched his scalp.
He still didn't know if Ed would leave. Neither of them had mentioned it, avoided yet another conversation. This wasn't sustainable, and he knew it, and yet he was terrified of receiving the answers to all the questions.
If he let his logical brain take over, it would tell him to tell Ed openly and honestly that they couldn't keep living together. That they had no excuse anymore. That it was way too risky if they wanted to keep being involved with each other like this.
He had been so shortsighted with Ed. Roy had a five year plan, a ten year plan, a his-whole-life plan. But with Ed he'd given in to such fleeting emotions. Desire, lust, need. And he'd gotten himself into this situation, but…where to from here?
Realistically, he couldn't, shouldn't continue this. Not right now. Not while he was still climbing to the top, when he was so close he could taste it. His rivals were undoubtedly looking for something, anything, to bring him down. Roy would hate for Ed to be used against him, against his dream. And he knew Ed would hate it too.
But while at one time this would've been enough to convince him to take the path he knew he should take, something stopped him this time.
His stupid wants, his stupid heart, pounding in his chest so loudly as his entire body and soul seemed to scream no no no.
He didn't want Ed to move out. He couldn't even think about it without his chest caving in, his throat closing up so violently he struggled to breathe.
Ed could stay for as long as he wanted, he decided. It wasn't like it would be forever. For all he knew Ed would get bored of him in a month. Besides, he had a feeling that if he didn't say anything Ed wouldn't move out.
They didn't have to go everywhere together anymore, it would be easier to hide. If anyone started getting suspicious Ed could spend some time at the dorms. Yes, breaking the bond had been a good thing.
He looked down at Ed. His eyes were closed, his breathing even. He was asleep, he realised.
Roy's fingers continued their soft caress. He brushed some strands of out of his face, tucking them behind his ear. He looked peaceful. He wondered if Ed was like him, easily startled awake. It would make sense that he would be; they'd both had experiences where sleeping through something could mean death.
But he had a feeling that Ed was a much heavier sleeper that him.
At least Roy could now deal with his insomnia issues without disturbing Ed anymore. Another reason why breaking the bond was a good thing.
Ed's mouth opened the tiniest bit, and he made a little sound. Roy smiled.
It was Ed that snored, just a little bit.
When Ed's eyes fluttered open, Roy came to the realisation that he'd been staring, for perhaps longer than he would've liked to admit.
Ed blinked blearily at him, frowning softly. "You're still here?" he croaked, shifting slightly to look at his face.
Roy smiled, his fingers still enjoying the feeling of Ed's loose hair. "I'm still here."
Ed's frown deepened. "You never went to the office?"
Roy shrugged, as much as he could with Ed lying over one of his shoulders. "You were sleeping on me, I couldn't possibly disturb you."
Ed gave him an incredulous look. Roy noticed he had some dried drool on the side of his lip. "What kinda excuse is that?"
Roy grinned, and Ed groaned, letting his head fall back down onto Roy's chest. "You lazy fucker."
Roy huffed, pretending to be offended. "Would you rather I had woken you?"
"You could've literally thrown me off you and I wouldn't have noticed."
That confirmed Roy's suspicions of Ed being a heavy sleeper. "Well, I wouldn't have known that, and I didn't want to risk your wrath."
"My wrath has nothing on Hawkeye's, just saying."
Roy turned onto his side, wrapping his free arm around Ed as well. "Hawkeye is none the wiser, however. Besides, you're the reason I ended up in bed to begin with."
Ed huffed, pinching him in the side. His face was still buried in Roy's chest, but he rolled onto his cheek dramatically. "I'm hungry."
Roy smirked in amusement, glancing at the clock. "Would you look at that, it's just past lunch time."
Ed simply stared at him. "Go to work."
Roy went to work, but he wasn't happy about it.
Could he never have a day off for the sake of having a day off? Must the world be ending in some way for him to get some reprieve from paperwork?
When he walked into the outer office, everyone had just returned from their lunch hour. The walk to work had been…peculiar. Quiet. Lonely, in a way. Ed hadn't been next to him, and Roy had felt some weird sort of separation anxiety.
Ed would be at home, he kept telling himself. He'd given him some work to do; writing a basic report of the reversal array's properties, so Roy could add some flair and present it to the Fuhrer. That would take him all day. He would not pack up and leave, even though that was technically what he should be doing. Roy tried shutting down that annoying logical part of his brain telling him what needed to be done.
He didn't want to do what needed to be done.
The team stared at him when he entered, their eyes looking around for his other half.
"So, you broke the bond?" Havoc asked bravely. They'd all just been silently staring at each other for a few seconds.
"Yes," Roy said simply. He'd been about to confidently march into his inner office and leave it at that, when Breda and Havoc made some sort of triumphant noise, which caused Fuery and Falman to groan.
For God's sake, Roy thought, they'd made a bet out of this?
He stared blankly as they predictably exchanged money. Breda smirked. "Me and Havoc betted the maximum time you'd survive being bonded to each other would be three months. We're just under the three month mark. Fuery and Falman betted you'd be bonded for six."
The maximum time you'd survive being bonded to each other. As if being bonded to each other had been a horrible, terrible thing. It was, Roy reminded himself. He had felt awful about it for over a month. But that had changed, and now he didn't think he could properly function without Ed in his space in some way.
He truly was broken beyond repair.
Roy glanced at Riza. She'd been quiet as usual at her desk, observing them. He caught her eye, but couldn't work out what she felt about all this. Perhaps she was even better than him at hiding her emotions.
Roy had always been closed off. At first he'd hidden his emotions to be mysterious, to have the upper hand over people. But after Ishval, he simply pushed everything down, pretended his emotions didn't even exist. Even Maes hadn't known the true extent of the self-hatred and shame Roy carried. He was sure he'd known anyway, had guessed. But he'd never explicitly spoken about things. Maes had just been there, a rock at his side, keeping the last straps of his sanity intact.
He knew Riza was similar to him, perhaps too similar. She had never been an emotional person either, always stoic, even in her teens. He'd wondered, occasionally, since watching her look at her dying father with nothing but apathy on her face, if maybe she was even more stoic than him.
Three months ago he would've thought that a compliment. It certainly made for an excellent right hand, bodyguard even. But now, as he looked at her staring at them blankly, almost bored with their antics, he felt a flair of concern for his loyal Lieutenant. Was she okay? Did she have anyone close to her like he used to have Maes and now had Ed? Had anyone been there for her after they returned from Ishval half dead?
But then, abruptly, he remembered her as she cried, Alphonse in front of her, protecting her from Lust. She'd cried because she thought Roy was dead.
He blinked out of his unusual train of thought when Havoc tipped backwards in his chair and said, "We should go out and celebrate. And by that I mean the military should pay for some fancy restaurant food."
Roy pursed his lips. "Arbitrary restaurant meals haven't been accounted for in our budget, Havoc."
Even though, now that he thought about, he'd love a good steak. He hadn't been to his favourite restaurants in months.
"Oh, come on," Havoc moaned, and Roy glared warningly at the insubordination. He raised his hands in a placating gesture. "Okay, okay, I know only Ed's allowed to talk to you like that."
What in the actual hell did that mean?
Roy raised a brow, feigning indifference. "Do you have any grievances about the way I interact with my subordinates, Lieutenant?"
Havoc snorted, nearly dropping the unlit cigarette from his mouth. "No, but it's kinda obvious you have a soft spot for Ed, even if you two often nearly kill each other. We have a bet for that too, you know."
Soft spot for Ed.
Roy wasn't sure he was breathing, staring blankly at Havoc as his brain processed his words. "Get back to work, Havoc."
With that, he walked into his inner office, slouching down in his chair and rubbing at his eyes.
Was it really that obvious that he cared differently for Ed? It wasn't professional, and if even Havoc had noticed—
He took a deep breath, his heart in his throat. Perhaps what he and Ed were doing wasn't such a good idea after all now that the bond was broken; they had no excuse for living together anymore, had no excuse for any of it, really. They didn't have to stop seeing each other but maybe…maybe they needed to be more careful. Maybe if Ed stayed at the dorms and came over to Roy's at night…
His heart squeezed as he thought it, and he forced himself to dismiss the thoughts yet again. Ed could stay as long as he wanted, he reminded himself. It was becoming his new mantra.
It wouldn't be forever; Roy couldn't give him a relationship. Not one he deserved anyway.
But Roy had convinced himself he was okay with that as well. It didn't have to be forever to be meaningful.
He was fine with it. He really was.
He sighed. The tiredness he'd been fending off with coffee was slowly catching up with him. He stared at the two couches almost forlornly, wishing Ed was occupying one of them like usual.
But alas, he was now alone.