Suggested Listening:
Through the Bamboo Forest - Tan Dun (from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) | ...meeting the magistrate and following directions
A Mandalorian and a Jedi - Ludwig Goransson (from The Mandalorian) | ...from the trees
Ahsoka Lives - Ludwig Goransson (from The Mandalorian) | ...grogu
Night Fight - Tan Dun (from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) | ...through the viewfinder
Yearning of the Sword - Tan Dun (from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) | ...promises kept
"This… this is not good…" I muttered under my breath to Din as we stood in front of the large gates and waited.
After wandering through the skeletal woods for a while, we had been shepherded into a walled town by ominous-looking guards and led through shuttered, though beautiful, homes and the occasional fearful faces of residents to see "the magistrate"… and one sideways glance at the pleading prisoners caged in painful-looking electric hutches told me that "the magistrate" wasn't going to be a barrel of laughs.
Din glanced ever so slightly at me, his left hand hovering protectively over the kid, who was sitting curiously in a swinging carrier under Din's cloak.
The doors swished open and we entered a beautiful, tranquil garden in front of a massive rotund temple. Leaning over the pond, sprinkling something into the water, was a tall, regal-looking woman.
Is this the Jedi? I wondered privately. I had always pictured them a bit like this — Father used to describe them as "delusional spiritualists", which to me conjured up a somewhat poetic image of quiet reflection over pools of water with petals floating by… this wasn't too far off.
"Come forward," she said without looking at us in a voice that matched her imposing demeanor. We obliged. "You are a Mandalorian?"
"Yes," replied Din tentatively. Something stirred in the water beside the woman.
"I have a proposition that may interest you," she said.
Ahh, I thought. This is the Magistrate, then.
"My price is high," said Din, stoically.
The Magistrate looked at us for the first time, taking a step toward us… squaring off. I glanced at the spear-bearing droid guard behind her, still and threatening.
"This target is priceless," she said enticingly. "A Jedi plagues me. I want you to kill her."
"That's a difficult task," he countered.
"One that you are well-suited for," she pressed. "The Jedi are the ancient enemy of Mandalore."
I glanced over at Din, intrigued as always to learn more about his history.
"As I said," repeated Din. "My price is high."
The Magistrate flicked her eyes over to me, contemplating me for a moment.
"Your second?" She said, looking back to Din.
He nodded to me without looking.
"She's the muscle."
It took every ounce of control not to widen my eyes or cast him a chastising look. Not the time, laserbrain.
I clasped my hands in front of me and tried to make my shoulders and chest look more muscular and imposing.
After a moment of surmising thought, she gestured behind her, and the droid guard sprang to life, approaching her and handing her the spear. She handled it with reverence, though her body still seemed dangerously coiled — like she could use it on us successfully at any moment.
"What do you make of this?" she asked, holding it forward in her palms. Din approached her, taking the spear with similar reverence. Curiously, he brought it down against the armor on his forearm, and a loud, echoing tone rang out.
"Beskar," he murmured, and I could tell that he was enamored with the weapon.
"Pure beskar," she nodded, taking it back from him gently. "Like your armor. Kill the Jedi and it's yours."
"Where do I find this Jedi?"
"In a way, she just made our job very easy," I observed, lifting my knee high to step over a spindly, reaching fallen branch. We were back in the woods, this time with a clearer idea of where to look.
"… And more complicated," replied Din, blocking the kid from reaching out to touch a strange-looking newt on a tree.
"Beskar," I said, thoughtfully. "I know it's valuable… I watched my family do unspeakable things for it…"
He glanced over at me.
"… But is it… I mean… do you really want that spear?" I finished.
"A weapon made of beskar is rare," he said in a low, thoughtful voice. "It's too dangerous to be in the hands of someone like that."
We ducked under another fallen tree.
"Well," said Din, looking around. "These are the coordinates. Keep your eyes open, we must be close."
We slowed our pace and looked around, unsure of what to do next. A strange rustle floated through the trees, causing the hair on the back of my neck to stand up.
"You hear that?" Asked Din, looking over at me.
I nodded. The kid made a little noise of fear in his carrier.
"Don't worry," soothed Din, picking him up and setting him on a stump. "Sit right here. Let's see what's out there."
He pulled what looked like a bionic spyglass out of his belt and peered through it, scouring the horizon.
"False alarm—" he began, but was cut off as something — someone — dropped from the trees, bringing beams of hot white light down onto Din with a clanging force.
"Mando!" I exclaimed. It was a Togruta — a rare, beautiful species that I'd hardly ever seen in person, much like Mandalorians — wielding two white light sabers and attacking Din with an adept ferocity that staggered me. Her sabers landed on his beskar-clad forearms and he shoved her off, warding her away with his flamethrower and shooting a rope from his other arm that wrapped around her, tightly. I drew my blaster, but Din held up his hand.
"Don't!"
I realized quickly that this was the Jedi we had been looking for.
With an upward glance, she smiled mischievously at Din and leapt high into the air, plunging herself and the rope over the branch of a tree. He was yanked up by his arm. Swiftly, I shot a bolt through the rope, freeing Din and dropping him to the ground with a thud. Just as she drew her lightsabers once more, Din drew his blaster and pointed it at her. I trained mine on her as well, considering this permission to do so.
"Ahsoka Tano!" He exclaimed, holding up an easing hand. She paused, listening. "Bo-Katan sent me."
Recognition flashed across her regal, intriguing face. Din lowered his voice.
"We need to talk."
She held her frame for a moment. Finally, she lowered her weapons and stood straight, her eyes fixated on the kid behind me.
"I hope it's about him," she said with eager fascination.
The kid cocked his head, his large green ears twitching in contented interest. Ashoka Tano retracted her sabers and holstered them, taking slow, graceful steps past me and toward the kid. My initial impulse was to guard him, but something about her immediate release of aggression made me follow her instead, watching curiously. Din joined us and we watched Ahsoka peer to the child's wide, dark eyes.
Nothing happened for what felt like a while. Ahsoka's lips curled in a slight smile and the kid cocked his head, but all was silent. Finally, she spoke.
"I'd like to speak with him alone."
Darkness fell quickly, and after brief introductions, Ahsoka brought us back to where she had set up camp with a warmly glowing paper lantern illuminating the clearing. She cast Din and I a look that we both wordlessly understood to mean that we should leave them alone for a bit.
"Come on," grumbled Din, and I followed him into the forest — about twenty feet. "That's far enough."
We watched as Ahsoka placed the kid down on a little log and sat opposite him. They didn't speak, but held intense, engaged eye contact.
Din paced next to me, craning his neck to see better through the trees.
"You think this is some kind of racket?" He asked me under his breath.
"Well," I said in my best placating voice. "What exactly did Bo-Katan say?"
"She just said that Ahsoka Tano is a Jedi," he said, sounding a little frustrated with himself. "But I don't know her, I don't know if she has any ulterior motives. The Jedi and Mandalorians have a… a history."
"So I heard," I said. "What happened?"
"A war," he said stonily. "That culminated in the destruction of Mandalore."
"I'm sorry," I said sincerely. I then continued cautiously. "And the Armorer told you to bring him to the Jedi?"
He nodded. The Armorer had begun to sound almost mythical to me, and I wondered if I would ever meet her. She seemed to be the highest authority figure in Din's world.
"Then surely she trusts the Jedi enough," I reassured.
He kept pacing. I gently put a hand on his arm to stop him.
"It's gonna be okay."
He looked at me and took a breath.
"Maybe," he conceded, then looked over at them again, concerned. "She's got those laser swords…"
"Light sabers," I corrected, snickering. His head whipped around to stare at me.
"You've seen those before?"
"Only sparingly, when I was a child," I said, nodding. "From what I understand, they're the weapon of the Jedi."
He looked over at them again, this time with less mistrust and more tantalized curiosity.
"… You want one, don't you?" I accused him with a smirk.
"They look like they'd come in handy," he replied defensively.
I scoffed and chuckled to myself. Typical.
"I don't think it works like that," I said. "My father bought one off the black market when we were small — he couldn't wield it. He was furious," I chuckled, remembering. "Said it was 'defective technology from a defunct cult' — but I think it's more like you have to be a Jedi to use it."
Din stopped pacing. I followed his gaze to the clearing, where Ahsoka had picked up the kid and was looking down at him with warmth. She took the lantern and began walking through the trees toward us. We met and she placed the lantern back down, putting the child on a large stone before sitting down herself.
An excruciating few moments went by in silence as we stood over them, until Din couldn't help but ask.
"Is he speaking? Do you… understand him?"
Ahsoka sat up and placed her hands inside her cloak, pondering the question.
"In a way," she replied eventually. "Grogu and I can feel each other's thoughts.
The kid's attention snapped to her. I felt my heartbeat quicken.
"… Grogu?" Asked Din. The kid looked around at him and let out a little coo.
"Yes," answered Ahsoka. "That's his name."
Din and I looked at each other and I felt myself smiling in wonder. He looked back down at the kid.
"Grogu," he said again, and just as before, the child looked up in eager attention with a bouncy little noise of recognition.
I clapped my hand to my mouth as a little laugh of delight escaped me. He has a name, I thought to myself with moved glee. I looked at Din, just knowing that underneath his helmet he must be beaming.
"What else did you find out?" I asked Ahsoka. She cast a glance to me, the white lines in her face and the blue stripes in her mane almost magnetic to look at.
"He was raised at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant," she explained in a level voice. "Many masters trained him over the years. At the end of the Clone Wars when the Empire rose to power, he was hidden."
I looked down at the kid as his gaze became downcast, his ears lowered a little. I wondered how much he had actually understood these past couple weeks. Din took a seat, listening intently. I followed suit.
"Someone took him from the temple," she continued. "Then his memory becomes… dark. He seemed lost. Alone. I've only ever known one other being like this… a wise Jedi master named Yoda."
My heart swelled as I watched little Grogu's face seem to fall.
"Can he still wield the Force?" asked Ahsoka.
"… You mean his powers?" Din asked, confused. I bit back a smile — I didn't know much about any of this, but it was an odd comfort to know that at least on this subject, I was one or two classes ahead of my boss.
Ahsoka nodded, a knowing smirk playing on her lips.
"The Force is what gives him his powers," she explained. "It is an energy field created by all living things. To wield it takes a great deal of training and discipline."
"He can wield the Force," I chimed in. "I don't know much about it, but he can move things, throw things, without touching them. And he can heal," I said, holding my hand up as though showing Ahsoka my unblemished palm would be any kind of evidence.
She tilted her head slightly, listening. Then she looked over at Din.
"I… I've seen him do things I can't explain," He said, a little unsure. "My task was to bring him to a Jedi."
Ahsoka's face darkened. She looked sadly down at Grogu, who was beginning to fall asleep.
"The Jedi Order fell a long time ago," she said.
"So did the Empire," countered Din with an edge of frustration. "Yet it still hunts him. He needs your help."
She thought for a moment, then cast a wan smile at the child.
"Let him sleep. I'll test him tomorrow."
We slept under the stars. I felt my usual sense of uneasiness as I drifted off, but thanked the Galaxy for a dreamless night. When I awoke, Ahsoka was already up, moving about in the crisp morning fog. Din was still asleep, but Grogu was awake, wandering around the lantern, touching it with curiosity.
"… Grogu," I whispered, and broke into a delighted grin when he looked over at me immediately. I sat up and shook Din's leg.
"Mando," I said. He startled awake and immediately drew his blaster, pointing it at me.
"Woah, woah," I said, my smile dropping and my hands raising. "Easy, it's just me."
He dropped his arm to the ground and panted.
"Sorry."
I nodded, assuring him it was fine, but I couldn't help but detect a higher level of stress in him than usual.
I looked up to realize with a start that Ahsoka Tano was standing over us, smiling mysteriously.
"Let's go."
She led us deeper into the forest, and I was surprised to find that as we walked, the dead, burnished carcasses of leaves and twigs slowly turned into dark, lush, green moss. Even the air felt clearer. She came to a stop and turned to Din, who was carrying the child in his arms, protectively.
"Lets see what knowledge is lurking inside that little mind," said Ahsoka, gently touching Grogu's nose. Din placed him down on a stone and I watched as he took an extra second to pat his back, affectionately.
It occurred to me that up until this point, for all intents and purposes, Grogu had been his — Din's. Two lost travelers, alone together. Now three. It must be hard for him to see someone else take charge, I thought to myself. When he returned to my side I contemplated reaching over to put a comforting hand on his arm, but decided against it.
Ahsoka approached Grogu and unfurled her clenched hand to reveal a small pebble. As though releasing a butterfly, she gently moved her hand and the stone floated slowly, lazily through the air, landing finally in Grogu's outstretched fingers. My eyes widened in awe. She opened her palm again.
"Now return the stone to me, Grogu," she commanded gently.
Grogu clutched the pebble in his hand and looked up at her, nonresponsive.
"He doesn't understand," said Din, and I fought the urge to shush him.
"He does," corrected Ahsoka. She looked back at Grogu. "It's okay. The stone, Grogu."
Grogu's little face looked wracked with tumultuous contemplation. Finally, he dropped the stone to the ground with a defeated little squeak.
Din sighed beside me.
"He can do it," I assured Din, before turning to Ahsoka. "He's just stuck. Right?"
Ahsoka approached Grogu and dropped to her knees, meeting him at eye level. He looked so downcast, my heart ached. She reached her hand out and clasped his gently between her fingers.
"I sense much fear in you," she murmured. He looked up at her, almost like he was grateful to be understood.
She stood and walked back to us, thoughtfully.
"He has hidden his abilities to survive over the years," she said. "Lets try something else. Come over here."
Din looked at the kid and jerked his head, indicating for him to go to Ahsoka.
"He's stubborn," he said.
Ahsoka and I exchanged a look.
"Not him," I said.
"You," she finished, a touch of amusement in her tone. "I want to see if he'll listen to you."
Reluctantly — nervously — Din took her place in front of Grogu.
"That would be a first," he quipped.
"I like firsts," she said, holding out the pebble for him to take. "Good or bad, they're always memorable."
He took the stone and she showed him how to hold it out.
"Now hold the stone in the palm of your hand, and tell him to lift it up."
He shifted his weight, clearly uncomfortable.
"Alright, kid," he said with a little too much bluster. "Lift the stone."
The kid just blinked back at him.
"Grogu," corrected Ahsoka with a little smirk.
I bit back an affectionate chuckle. Din looked over at me, then back at Grogu, steeling himself. Finally, he tried again.
"Grogu."
The kid cooed and looked up, interested.
"Come on" encouraged Din, an audible smile emerging in his voice. "Take the stone."
Ahsoka and I looked to Grogu, who looked down again, sadly.
"You see?" Grunted Din, tossing the stone aside. "I told you he's stubborn."
I had the impulse to thwack him, but fought it nobly. I wanted to correct his approach so badly, but I knew that his connection with this little creature was much deeper and more complex than I could understand in my limited time with them, and it was important for this moment to unfold how it needed to. Instead, I looked at Ahsoka, whose patience was seemingly endless.
"Try to connect with him," she instructed in a soothing voice.
Din looked back at Grogu and shifted his weight again, taking a stabilizing breath.
Jeez, I thought. And I thought I had father issues.
After a moment, Din slowly reached into one of his utility pockets and brought out the silver ball from the lever-head on the dash. Grogu's ears immediately perked up.
"Grogu," he said in an enticing sing-song. "Do you want this?"
He squatted down, offering up the ball like it was a dessert for a king.
"Well, go ahead… that's right, take it!"
Grogu slowly outstretched a hand, and his eyes squinted.
"That's right," encouraged Din. "Come on, you can have it. Come on."
Finally, with a snap, the ball flew into Grogu's hand.
"Good job!" Exclaimed Din, jumping up. "Good job, kid!"
It was the giddiest I had ever heard him sound, and I grinned, looking over at Ahsoka. Her face was stony, thoughtful.
"Did you see that?" Enthused Din, going to Grogu and taking back the ball. "That's right, I knew you could do it. Very good."
"He's formed a strong attachment to you," said Ahsoka seriously.
"Isn't that a good thing?" I asked, quietly. She cast a sad, small smile my way and left my side, furrowing her brow.
"I cannot train him."
"What?" Said Din defensively, standing again. "Why not? You've seen what he can do."
"His attachment to you makes him vulnerable to his fears," she explained. "His anger."
"All the more reason to train him," argued Din, and I couldn't help but agree.
"Isn't it better that he know how to wield it with control?" I asked.
"No," said Ahsoka, her face cracking for the first time to betray a mountain of emotion behind the stoic visage. "I've seen what such feelings can do to a fully trained Jedi Knight. To the best of us. I will not start this child down that path."
We looked over at Grogu, who in this moment looked as though destruction was something he had never even heard of.
"Better to let his abilities fade," She finished. "I've delayed too long. I must get back to the village."
She began to walk away, but Din stopped her with his voice.
"The Magistrate sent us to kill you."
She froze and turned around, intrigued. I scooped Grogu up into my arms.
"We didn't agree to anything," continued Din. "And we'll help you with your problem… if you see to it that Grogu is properly trained."
She cocked an eyebrow, casting a little smile over at Grogu.
"Interesting."
The plan was formed quickly, and in almost no time I found myself clambering up a rope that Ahsoka had tossed over the city wall, having obliterated the guard on top of it.
"Stay quiet, kid," I whispered to Grogu in the carrier at my hip.
Atop the wall, I stayed as flat as possible and gave a nod to Ahsoka, who returned it before slipping down into the city.
"We're staying up here, but we gotta be quiet, okay?" I said quietly to Grogu, taking him out of the carrier and praying he understood. Tilting one eye to look over the wall, I unhooked Din's Amban phase-pulse blaster off of my back — he had been surprised and impressed when I asked for it by name, and I reminded him with a look that I was, in fact, probably the better shot of the two of us.
The Magistrate — Morgan Elspeth, as we had learned she was called — was standing outside her temple gates flanked by guards and staring down an approaching Ahsoka with mysterious steeliness.
I watched Ahsoka toss Din's pauldron on the ground before her, the signet of the Mudhorn barely visible in the dull, smoggy light. Even though I knew it was a ruse, I felt a drop in my stomach.
"Your bounty hunter failed," she declared convincingly. "Tell me what I want to know. Where is your master?"
Morgan Elspeth smiled, mirthlessly.
"Kill her," she instructed her guard.
"Love to," he replied.
Immediately, jets of red light began flying at Ahsoka. She leapt to a nearby rooftop, drawing her sabers and blocking each one. I dropped out of sight again — I was under strict instruction to only fire when necessary so as not to draw attention to our hiding place.
I heard a familiar blaster and peeked over again in time to see Din at the gate, shooting down one of the last of the guards. A townsman approached him and they began setting the prisoners free from their electrified cages.
Ahsoka was nowhere to be seen, but from unseen alleyways I heard the agonizing screams of guards and felt confident she was taking care of herself.
Din shepherded the townspeople into the inner walls of a residence. While his back was turned, I felt the hairs on my neck stand on end as Morgan Elspeth's right hand man came into view, meandering slowly toward him. I trained my viewfinder on the back of his head and touched my finger to the trigger, measuring my breath. Din turned and the two men squared off as Ahsoka appeared atop the temple wall, her cloak billowing in the breeze.
"So," called the guard. "You threw in with the Jedi?"
"Looks that way," Din called in response, and Ahsoka dropped out of sight.
They stood in standoff for another few moments, and I heard clangs and grunts from behind the temple wall — Ahsoka must be fighting Morgan Elspeth herself.
"Who d'ya think's gonna win?" Asked the guard, callously. "Could be your side… could be my side…"
They listened as the battle inside continued — it sounded mighty and fraught.
The guard began taking slow, small steps toward Din, his hands on his blaster. My breath quickened as I followed him closely in my viewfinder. Next to me, Grogu made a noise of concern.
"Shh," I hushed, quickly.
"I got no quarrel with you, Mandalorian," continued the guard, still moving slowly toward him.
"That's far enough," Din said bluntly, holding up a hand. I thought I saw his other hand twitch over his blaster in it's holster. The guard stopped.
"You and I, we're a lot alike," he said. "Willing to lay our lives down for the right cause… which this is not."
Suddenly, the ring of beskar hitting the stone floor sang out from behind the temple wall, and all was quiet.
"Sounds like you win," said the guard. He lifted his weapon and held it out in offering, slowly lowering it down to the ground. Din's hand relaxed away from his blaster. Abruptly, the guard stood, whipping out a blaster from his hip holster, and my reflexes were instantaneous. Within a millisecond, the guard was neutralized in a grotesque electrical burst. Din looked up in shock and across the wide stretch of the town center, we saw each other. He gave me an almost imperceptible nod of thanks, and I returned it.
As I peered down the streets for further threat, I realized my body was vibrating. Killing a man, even in a situation like this where it was us or them, seemed to be sending my body into some kind of panicked reaction, even though intellectually I understood that I had done what I had to do. I swallowed hard and decided to squash it down — no good can come from falling apart right now, I thought sternly. Lose it later.
The townsman from before emerged again, approaching Din. He pointed behind him, and I realized quickly that another guard had appeared, ready to shoot him. Swiftly, Din drew his blaster and took him out, and I scolded myself at my delayed response, my abilities clearly hindered by whatever was going on with my nerves.
We all looked around from our different vantage points and Din called out to me.
"Do you see any more?"
"No," I shouted back. "All clear on my end."
He waved me over and I strapped the phase-pulse onto my back and scooped up the kid, dropping a kiss on the top of his head and holding him extra tight — less because he was afraid, and more because I could tell I needed the comfort. We joined the others and assured the emerging townspeople that they were safe to reclaim their city.
"You okay?" Din asked me quietly as we watched the crowd process the news.
"I'm fine," I replied, as convincingly as possible. "You?"
He nodded.
"Thanks for having my back."
I looked over at him and nodded. I knew without a doubt that I had done the right thing. I just wished my body could understand that. As it was, my mouth was dry and my heart was racing, and I felt an intense urge to cry, but I swallowed it down, deciding to focus instead on the liberated residents and their disbelieving celebration — and the fact that Din was standing here next to me instead of shot in the street.
The gate to the temple swung open and Ahsoka appeared, grasping the beskar spear in one fist, looking more regal than ever.
"Lets go," she commanded, and we followed her without question through the crowds and out of the city.
"I believe this was your payment," she said with a smile, handing Din the spear.
"No," he replied. "I can't accept. We didn't finish the job."
"No," she agreed. "But this belongs with a Mandalorian."
He hesitated, then tentatively wrapped his fingers around the spear, admiring it.
Grogu reached his hands toward it, babbling happily — if he liked the little silver ball, I could only imagine the delight he was taking in this. Din snapped out of his reverie and looked down at the kid in my arms.
"Um," he murmured, suddenly sounding extremely vulnerable. "I guess… I guess it's time for the rest of the agreement." He looked up at me, then over at Ahsoka. "So, you'll take him now? To where he can be trained?"
I looked at her too — I was completely unprepared to say goodbye. She gazed at us serenely, then down at Grogu with a sage smile.
"You're like a father to him," she said to Din. Then her crystalline blue eyes flicked over to me. "You have both formed an intense bond with him. I cannot train him."
"You made us a promise," countered Din, shifting his weight. "And we held up our end."
Ahsoka moved closer, taking Grogu's little hand and letting it wrap firmly around her finger, just as it had done to mine when we had first met.
"There is one possibility," she conceded. Din and I looked at each other, then back at her, listening intently. "Go to the planet Tython. There you will find the ancient ruins of a temple that has a strong connection to the Force. Place Grogu on the seeing stone at the top of the mountain."
"Then what?" I asked.
She smiled at me.
"Then, Grogu may choose his path. If he reaches out through the Force, there's a chance a Jedi may sense his presence and come searching for him. Then again… there aren't many Jedi left."
She released Grogu's hand and he let out a sad little coo.
"Thank you," said Din.
"May the force be with you," said Ahsoka to us both, and without further word, receded into the walled city, leaving us standing there with more questions than answers.
Din turned to me and scooped Grogu out of my arms, opting to carry him himself.
"Let's get back to the ship," he said, and I began following him through the forest.
"Mando," I said after a few moments. "Do you think… I mean… do you think it's the right path for him? This Jedi stuff?"
"What else would his right path be?" He replied, dully.
"I guess I just mean…" I sighed, cautiously. "He'd… he'd have to leave you. Right?"
Din's pace slowed for a moment.
"I know," he said after a beat, picking his speed back up. "I just want what's best for him. Besides—" he said, casting a look over his shoulder at me. "He's not mine."
I decided not to press the matter further, but as we boarded the Razor Crest once again and I watched Din gently strap Grogu into his seat, I couldn't help but feel an intense protectiveness. Their bond was one that was worth dedicating myself to keeping safe. My mind flashed back to the tavern, watching little Grogu watch the newborn tadpole, ruminating on why I had escaped my family compound in the first place — to find something good and real and alive to devote myself to. If anything was worth it, it was this.
So much for not caring, I thought with a smirk.