Chapter 10 – Adjusting

Author's Note: In which Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Ahsoka have to adjust to their new situation.

~ Amina Gila

"I've never done this before," Ahsoka remarks a bit nervously, kneeling across from Master Skywalker. It's a few days into her padawan-ship, and this is their first meditation session. They've already formed a bond, but Master Skywalker thought they ought to strengthen it since being in the war together could be highly risky. This will at least allow them to keep track of one another through the Force.

"Of course not," Master Skywalker replies. "Obi-Wan and I did this in the beginning. It can be a little overwhelming at first."

She assumes her and Master Kenobi will have to do the same later, but he's too busy with Council work right now. Even if he is technically also her master, Master Skywalker seems to be taking much of the lead roles. It isn't a surprise, given that Master Kenobi is on the Council and doesn't have much time to spend with a padawan. "What do I do?"

"Close your eyes," he instructs. "Feel my presence."

And she does. It's not hard. Nothing shines out brighter than Anakin's presence. It stands out as brilliantly as the sun, filled with a feeling that makes her almost... hyper. She feels him reaching back, his presence wrapping around her own. He's shielding despite it, but Ahsoka still picks up on an underlying sensation of... something dark. He's projecting something calm and contented, though, so Ahsoka lets herself focus on that above all else.

She pokes at their bond, the thread that now forever ties their souls together. Now that she focuses on his presence, she can actually... pinpoint it. She's never shared a stronger bond with anyone than the one she does with Master Plo, but that will soon change.

Something is nagging at her, beckoning for her to reach but a little farther into the Force, and she tries to reach it. It's hard – the sensation is distracting, and she automatically wants to touch it immediately.

"Take your time, Ahsoka." Anakin's voice slips to her through the Force. It sounds so loud out here in the world of nothing. "Rushing will only distract you."

It's interesting, she notices, because he's not really meditating. He's focused on her presence, not letting go of it, but he's not letting himself loose into the Force like Jedi normally do. Why not?

She decides to ask later, instead focusing on the Force, slowly working her way out farther. There's something, something like a black hole trying to draw her in, and Ahsoka, ever the curious, fearless padawan she is, reaches out to poke it.

She sees herself, slightly taller than now, her lekku a little longer, and the stripes on them just starting to shift to more vertical instead of horizontal, standing alone in a darkened room. She feels a ripple in the Force. It's stronger than anything Ahsoka's ever sensed or imagined before, something far more personal, and she instantly knows something terrible happened.

She braces herself against the wall, pressing a hand to her head as a raw, burning pain lances through it. It's sharp and ceaseless, as if something was ripped out of her mind and a gaping hole was left in its wake. She stumbles to her knees, tears spilling down her cheeks. "No," the Ahsoka whispers aloud. "No. He can't be gone."

Ahsoka jolts back to herself with a startled gasp, head snapping upwards. What in the galaxy was that?

Her master looks up from across from her, a thoughtful and slightly concerned expression on his face. "What happened?" he asks.

"I saw something. I don't know what, but – but it was..."

"Disconcerting?" Master Skywalker inquires, and she nods, shuddering. The sensation of – was that a bond breaking? – felt so incredibly real, Ahsoka could almost swear she's felt it before. Except, she knows she hasn't, so it doesn't make any sense.

"I don't have an easy time meditating," Ahsoka admits, "But I've never seen something like that before."

He reaches out, lying a comforting hand on her shoulder, the one she can feel is a prosthetic. She wonders how he lost it, but he might not answer even if she asked. "The Force was trying to tell you something," Master Skywalker explains. "Could you make sense of what you saw?"

Ahsoka frowns, because when she actually thinks about it, not really. "I saw... myself? Except I was a little older. I was somewhere alone, and it felt like... something was ripped out of my mind? It made me think about bonds breaking but it felt too acute."

He winces. "Maybe an unshielded or very strong one, then. Did anything else stick out to you? Backgrounds, surroundings?"

"Not really. It was just dark."

Her master settles back with a frown, hands dropping back onto his knees. "Strange. I don't know what to make of it. It... could have been a warning."

A chill runs down her spine. "About what?"

"That's what I don't know."

"Talking instead of meditating, again?" Ahsoka's head snaps up at the sound of Master Kenobi's voice. He makes his way around the fountains, approaching them with a mildly amused expression.

"Like to take over?" Master Skywalker asks dryly. "You know how much I hate this."

"Yes, I do," Master Kenobi replies, seeming mildly amused, "But I came to ask your assistance in questioning Ventress."

"Yeah, because she's loads of fun."

"No one has been able to get anything from her yet, and I know it's your strong point."

"She's a Sith, not a – okay, fine. It would be a waste of both our time, but as you wish." Master Skywalker stands, then glances back at Ahsoka. "Move on with your schoolwork, little one, unless you have something else to be doing." He pats her shoulder. "We'll talk about this more, later."

Later. Sounds fine with her, but as he walks away, as the brighter-than-sun presence moves away from her, she suddenly wants to run back to his side, and to stay there, as though something of herself is missing when they're apart. She shakes it off, anyway, though the images the Force showed her still ring in her mind.

**w**

"Seriously, Master?" Anakin huffs. "What made you think going to hang out with Ventress would be a good idea? Do you not have enough to do already?"

"She's a prisoner," he reminds. "Someone has to speak with her."

"Sometimes, I feel like the Council gives half the missions in the galaxy to us."

"I can't entirely disagree."

Anakin laughs for what he thinks is the first time in ages. He doesn't know. For a moment, a fleeting moment, he feels fine. Not whole, not at peace, not quite happy, but like maybe – maybe he'll be able to keep together and keep moving, keep pushing onwards until he finds what he needs. Like maybe, someday, he'll find rest.

It's gone as quickly as it came, but he doesn't dwell on it. One thing about depression is that the more you think, the more you hurt. He keeps moving, dragging himself onwards through sheer willpower because the galaxy needs him, even if it feels like he's about to collapse. It's always been his way of coping with the impossible – and now with Ahsoka's loss; moving on and not thinking. Besides, at the end of the day, his pain doesn't really matter.

"Will you tell the Council, about what you saw?" Obi-Wan asks as they keep walking.

Anakin bristles and tightens his shields to make sure none of the anger and bitterness that flares back to the surface can be felt. "No," he replies curtly. "I won't." I can't, he doesn't add, though he'd like to.

"It would help in the war, I should think."

"I'll do whatever I can, I promise, but this isn't something I can involve them in. Don't tell anyone. Please." He knows even as he says it, that Obi-Wan will more than likely do so, anyway. "I don't want them to know. I can't – can't talk about this, not now. Don't ask me to."

"Alright," Obi-Wan agrees finally, "But there is more I want to ask, about the war."

"Sure."

"What was the outlook, if you know?"

"I don't. Things looked better now than they did then. Ventress was gone, but... it didn't change anything." There's so much more he ought to tell Obi-Wan, including how Maul is still alive and how he killed Duchess Satine, and how Krell and Barriss turned traitor.

"Grievous?"

"As elusive as ever. Also... there's more I should tell you." Thinking about his time right before coming back here is painful, but he needs to tell Obi-Wan about this. "There were... traitors among the Jedi, later on. I – I would advise keeping an eye on Master Krell." The bitterness and anger he feels towards the former Jedi Master is definitely obvious in his voice, though Obi-Wan doesn't ask.

"I'll be sure to."

Good. Maybe, maybe he'll be able to stop that, too. For as dark and chaotic as everything in his life seems to be, it feels like this, at least, is something he may be able to do right.

They enter Ventress' cell shortly later. The Nightsister gives them a bored look when they move to stand across from her. "What a pleasant surprise," she drawls.

"I hope you like it here," Anakin says darkly, "Because you won't be seeing past these walls for a long time." She helped Ahsoka, he reminds himself. Surely there must be something good about her. Even so, the memories of all those she killed overpower that one little thing, and his anger flares.

"We came to speak to you," Obi-Wan says.

"I have nothing to tell," she retorts, eyes narrowed.

She's not evil, not purely, Anakin reminds himself. It's hard to remember, though. She's a traitor, and she's killed so many. "I don't believe you."

"I have nothing to tell you."

"Why are you so loyal to your master?" he asks. "You know he'll betray you when the time comes."

"Why are you loyal to the Jedi?" Ventress retaliates. "They will do the same to you."

Anakin's first instinct is to snap back at her, to tell her she's delusional, but... she's not. If they would abandon Ahsoka without a second thought, they'd do the same to him. This isn't the place for him, either. Not anymore. "I believe in them," he says tightly, though he's not certain it's the truth. It's not. If the Jedi were able to cast aside someone like Ahsoka for their own good, they're not... what he thought they were.

"You know little about the Jedi," Obi-Wan replies mildly. He sounds faintly amused, not unlike he often does.

Ventress scoffs but doesn't respond. Anakin senses the deep, twisting anger within her, and for the first time finds himself wondering what it is that fuels her, what she holds against the Jedi. He doesn't ask, of course, even if he wants to. It might be good to know, though, to dig more into the Nightsister's past and find out what Ahsoka saw in her, to be able to trust her.

"We do not betray our own."

Ventress scoffs at Obi-Wan's words but doesn't speak.

How Anakin wishes that were true. He thought so once, too, but he was wrong.

"Henceforth, you are barred from the Jedi Order."

Not now, he growls at himself. You will not let this show, not now, not here. Not in front of Ventress, and certainly not in front of Obi-Wan.

Anakin crosses his arms again, trying to lock his pain and longing and the crushing betrayal behind a durasteel wall, to focus on the situation at hand, but this is a conversation. They're not his forte, especially ones like these. He wants to go back to the fronts. At least that's one thing Anakin knows how to do, and how to do it right.

Maybe his momentary distraction is good, because it seems like all he's missed is the other two flirting.

Seriously.

In a prison cell.

He's momentarily tempted to slam his head into the wall, because he has no idea how this is supposed to get them anywhere.

It's fine, though, letting Obi-Wan handle the talking while Anakin hovers in the background to look intimidating. It works well enough on most people because everyone knows Anakin will do what needs to be done. They know how deadly he can be if he has to be. He doubts it'll work on a Sith, though.

Ventress... Anakin doesn't know much about her. No one does, but she used to be a Jedi before she Fell and joined Dooku. Something about her reaction, the anger he still feels swirling around her, seems very... personal.

"Why would you think the Jedi betrayed you?" he ventures cautiously. Everyone immediately falls silent, and Ventress turns a deadly glare on him. "Don't deny it," Anakin says, before she can argue. "I sensed your anger."

She's quiet for a moment, and her fury burns hotter. "Your Council abandoned my master and me. It's because of you that he died!" The Nightsister glowers at them, and he's mildly surprised by her sudden change in mood.

He hadn't... known that.

If Anakin was in a situation like that, he has to admit he would likely make a similar choice.

Before he can ask for details, for why she thinks the Council abandoned her, Obi-Wan's comm beeps. "We have to go," he decides, and their conversation with Ventress is left at that. Personally, Anakin highly doubts they'll ever get anything else out of her, other than about her. It won't do them any good.

"You're right," Anakin tells her quietly, after Obi-Wan steps out of the cell. "The Jedi do betray their own." He turns and walks out, but not before sensing the flicker of surprise from her. Hopefully, this wasn't the wrong time and place to admit it.

**w**

"This is what I mean," Obi-Wan sighs as they walk down the halls together.

"I don't know what else you were expecting," his former padawan retaliates. "What's gonna happen to her?"

"We don't know yet," Obi-Wan tells him. "If we can't get through to her, she'll likely be executed, or at the very least, imprisoned for life."

"This is weird," Anakin blurts out, "This never happened before."

"What?"

"Ventress wasn't captured last time. I – I don't know what'll happen because of it."

It takes him a moment to remember that Anakin time-traveled, apparently. He has knowledge of the future. It's not something Obi-Wan's heard anything about, and if he wasn't seeing the signs of it himself, he'd have laughed it off. Now, he can clearly see how... withdrawn Anakin is. If not for what happened the other day, when Anakin quite literally feel asleep on his shoulder, twice, he'd think his former padawan was... going out of his way to keep his distance. It's strange.

"What happened last time?" Obi-Wan inquires.

"I... never went back for the clones," he explains, slowly. "Ahsoka and I were shot down on Tatooine. I fought Dooku, and Ahsoka encountered some droids. We both escaped." He shrugs. "Ventress fought you on Teth but escaped. We never captured her. I'd expect Dooku to launch an attack to free her, but she's all the way in the Republic's capital... I don't know. He might try to take her out, assuming he doesn't leave her here."

"I think it would be best if you told the Council." Anakin already made it clear that he doesn't want to, and Obi-Wan doesn't want to push him, but this is something they need to know. If they have future knowledge, they'll be able to predict Separatist moves before they're made. Without explaining the full truth, it would raise a lot of questions.

"No," he replies sharply, stopping in his tracks.

Obi-Wan knows Anakin well enough to know that this is the point to which he should not push past. "Very well. I will report to the Council on our findings – or the lack thereof."

They walk the rest of the way in silence.

He doesn't miss how tense and skittish Anakin is being, even if he knows better than to call him out on it.

**w**

It's later that evening when the Council decides to send Anakin and Ahsoka on their second mission together. He can't explain exactly what it is that sets him off, maybe how the time now is the same as it was when... she left. He's careful to keep his face blank and his shields up tight enough that hopefully no one will catch traces of his tumultuous emotions.

It feels wrong, to take orders from the people who turned their backs on Ahsoka. At least they're not all the same.

It's all Anakin can do to focus on the details of the mission. This never happened last time. Actually, he can't for the life of him remember such a battle happening at all. It's frustrating, but it shouldn't be so surprising, because it's not as though there weren't thousands of battles. Of course, he can't remember them all. Only the most major stick out. Battles are battles, and they tend to blur together.

This was the room where Ahsoka left him.

It's hard to know that and keep his focus, even if she's standing right beside him.

He feels oddly disconnected by the time they finish discussing the mission – it's simple enough. It's near a hyperspace lane, so it's something they cannot afford to lose, or they'll lose access to the route. They're going to reinforce Master Piell on Amorrut, which... unfortunately means the likelihood of encountering Tarkin is very high.

Anakin is not ready for this.

It's not like Tarkin was the one who framed Ahsoka – he was only the prosecutor – but he was involved, and he nearly got her killed, and he was supposed to be Anakin's friend.

"Come on, it doesn't sound so bad," Ahsoka chirps as they exit the room.

Anakin makes a sound of agreement, trying to force away the images flickering through the back of his mind.

"I'm sorry, Master, but I'm not coming back –"

Really, it's not like she's leaving. She's perfectly fine and right here. If only he could understand that.

He's feeling very... jumpy. The sound of approaching footsteps from behind makes him tense up, except the familiarity tells him there's nothing to worry about.

"I came to see you off," Obi-Wan tells him.

"I thought you'd have other things to attend to."

"Can we have a moment?" he asks instead of answering.

Anakin glances at Ahsoka. "Go on. Get Artoo and head to the hanger."

"Sure." She eyes them curiously for a moment before sprinting off down the hall. She has so much energy. She hasn't lost that yet, and he hopes she never will.

"I don't know anything about this," Anakin states flatly before Obi-Wan can ask.

"Are you alright?" he asks instead.

"What?" What? How is he acting that people keep asking that? What is wrong with him? Why can't he act normal and keep moving, focusing on the war, and – and do what he needs to?"

"Did something happen?" Obi-Wan inquires. "I noticed you seemed... uneasy in the Council meeting and saw the same thing on Christophsis with Master Yoda."

Anakin eyes for a moment before stepping back. He can't help it if he's instantly growing defensive. He's not going to tell anyone what happened. "Do you honestly think me training a padawan would be easy?" he retaliates. "When you – when they don't trust me? How easy do you think it was to raise a child of my own – I wasn't ready, I wasn't –" Maybe I'm still not he doesn't add, "To see them look at her like – like there's something untrustworthy about her?"

His former master's face is carefully blank, and he can't make sense of it, but he hates it. He doesn't know what to expect. "You know I trust you, right?"

Maybe once, he would have been naïve enough to believe it. "Don't lie to me," Anakin snarls furiously. "I know – I've seen it; I know you don't."

"I can't answer for something I haven't done."

He's careful to keep his face mostly blank – he always does with Obi-Wan. He has to. It's expected. Obi-Wan has a point, he has to admit, and it's hardly fair for him to lose his temper right now. It'll only serve to prove even more that he can't train Ahsoka, that he won't be able to do it right. That's why they don't trust him, anyway, because he's too emotional. "I know." What was that about never saying those words again?

He's about to ramble out one of the million-and-a-half apologies he always carries with him and run, hoping Obi-Wan will have calmed down enough to not yell at him by the time they meet again. There's so much going on, he doesn't think he can handle it right now. With the stress of Ahsoka leaving and training her again and the war, he doesn't think he can do with it right now.

"You've lived through years I don't remember," Obi-Wan points out, slowly. "I don't know any of what happened."

If you're going to yell at me, just get it over with. "I'm fine, Master," Anakin snaps, shifting his position. "I can still... focus."

"With difficulty, yes."

Why, why is there still a part of him that wishes Obi-Wan was worried about him for once instead of the mission? Hasn't he long since accepted that it won't happen? "I try," he mumbles.

"I can tell." Obi-Wan reaches over, laying a hand on his arm. "I don't know what happened."

"It's just..." he lets out a frustrated sigh. "Things happen, and I'll – I'll associate the most basic things with it." It sounds completely deranged to explain it like that. "I should go. It doesn't really matter."

"If something is upsetting you this much, I don't believe it's nothing, Anakin." Obi-Wan fixes him with a look, one that says he won't be getting out of this.

"Is it enough to say I don't want to talk about it?"

"I can understand that."

"Then what are you getting at?"

"I..." He seems to take a few minutes to think about it. "I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

'Don't do this with me, it's not real it's not' Anakin wants to snap, but he holds back. This – this is before the war started dragging on. Maybe it's before Obi-Wan decided he mattered little enough to throw him aside like nothing. "I don't need – Master, I'm fine. This is a bit... disorienting. I need to get used to it, that's all." Let me go, just let me go.

"I'll take your word for it, then. May the Force be with you."

"And you," Anakin replies, nodding. "With any luck, we'll be back to Coruscant in no time, and... it'll be your turn to be with Ahsoka."

"I'll be waiting," he says, and Anakin almost laughs at the look on his face.

"Think you can handle her?"

"You're doing better, to be sure."

"I'm amazed you'd admit it." Anakin laughs. "She's reckless, and she doesn't listen. She needs... patience and understanding."

"As if," Obi-Wan scoffs.

"Fine, maybe I'm too soft with her." Anakin rolls his eyes. He is. He was. Why else would she be so... wild? "But you did get mad at me every time I did something you didn't like. She needs patience."

"Now if you're done giving me advice on how to train my padawan –"

"Our padawan!" he protests.

"You should be going."

He laughs again and turns away, amusement quickly dying fading into the depression smothering him, but he doesn't give this constant aching loneliness any thought. It's time to move.

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