Chapter 20 – Sidious
Author's Note: I feel the need to say point out that this was written to focus on a very depressed version of Anakin. Yes, he will get better, but not until later on. This is something meant to deal with trauma in a realistic fashion, and if you expect Anakin to be able to just wish his trauma and mental problems away, you're reading the wrong fanfic. I've dealt with some of this in real life. I know what it's like. I'm not going to act like depression is nothing and can just be 'fixed' or wished away.
~ Rivana Rita
Ngl, I was kind of disappointed by some of the reactions to the last chapter. I'm not giving any names, because it's not really a matter of who said what, but rather, the... impressions that I was getting from reviews that Anakin is somehow stupid by agreeing to meet Palpatine (what else could he do anyway?) and not taking anyone else with him (because he is sooo willing to drag his family straight into a death trap - sarcasm absolutely intended).
Given the situation, what else could he realistically do? Nothing. That's what. If he refused Palpatine, that wouldn't change anything. He'd just be hiding from the truths that he doesn't want to face, not to mention putting everyone, including himself, at even more risk for not bowing to the whims of the probable Sith Master. At least if he goes into the meeting, he can get information which he can use to his benefit. Anakin isn't stupid. He was a brilliant general and tactician. Depressed though he may be, that is still the case.
Seriously, if you want to criticize someone for the way everything is spiraling downhill, look at Palpatine. He's the one orchestrating this mess.
~ Amina Gila
He wishes he hadn't agreed. Anything. Something. Just that he wasn't here, because he does not want to have a long conversation with Darth Sidious. Because the more he thinks about it, the more Anakin realizes Dooku wasn't lying. What does that say about the galaxy, if the only people he's close to he can't trust, and his enemies are more truthful than them?
Palpatine told him to come here, and he can't refuse. He... but he wishes he had now, so he didn't have to deal with this, but there's nothing else he could do. Go back to the Temple and pretend nothing happened? That he doesn't highly suspect the Chancellor of the Republic is a traitor? That would be even more treasonous than anything the Jedi could or would do.
He doesn't know what this means. Doesn't know... any of this, but he's not ready for this conversation. He probably never will be.
But it's not as though standing here, panicking about it, will make Sidious any less inclined to harm him if he wants to, and if he tries... Anakin has always believed in the Force, if nothing else, and he tries to let that certainty fill him as he enters. Palpatine's apartment is, admittedly, far fancier than it needs to be. But then again, all Nubians are like that – Padme, too. He wouldn't mind, except now, it feels like there's something sinister to everything. That's merely paranoia, though, so he tries to let it go and let the calm flow of the Light soothe him.
"I see you have begun to question our friendship," he says, once they're alone in closed quarters. Too closed. Anakin hates being in closed spaces. It's... only grown worse.
"Why bring me here?" he asks, body rigid. He can't help the fear devouring him.
"We must discuss this without fear of interruption, wouldn't you agree, Anakin?" He's acting as though this is any normal conversation, though now Anakin can see something sinister in his eyes. How he never noticed before, he will never understand.
"Yes," Anakin says – he hopes it's the right response, anyway.
Palpatine smiles. "Good. Would you like to sit down for our... discussion?"
Anakin mutely shakes his head. He would much rather be on his feet if this goes downhill, thank you. He loathes how this reminds him of Tatooine, of... being in complete submission to another.
"All that I have done has been to restore peace and order to the galaxy," Palpatine begins – he believes it, too, because it feels true in the Force. That doesn't mean Anakin is certain he can agree on the probably-Sith's definitions. "You, Anakin, have always had the wisdom to see it when no other did. I trust you will continue to do so. Come." Anakin tries to hide his wariness as Palpatine – Sidious, because Anakin can feel traces of his darkness now. He's intentionally letting them out, for some reason – deeper into his apartment, into a room of... how in the galaxy does he keep this hidden from the Jedi?
"How did you have a collection of Sith artifacts here, and hidden from the Jedi?" Anakin demands. He's itching to reach for his lightsaber, because now, now he knows it's true. And that means Palpatine did betray him in a way far worse than anyone else ever could – he's a Sith. He's Sidious.
"Anakin," he chides, "If one is to understand a great mystery, one is to study all its aspects, not just the narrow-minded dogmatic view of the Jedi. I see you have long searched for a life more significant than that of an ordinary Jedi. A life of conscience."
Palpatine knows all his weaknesses, because Anakin told them all to him, and he can't believe he never noticed anything sooner. And what grates on him the most is that it's... true. It's all true. Especially after Ahsoka, he can't trust the Council. He's losing faith in the ways of the Jedi, and he hates himself for it, but he can't stop it. He's slipping, like Dooku warned him. He should've... a good Jedi would have already told the Council. He didn't. He should have. "I am a Jedi first," he replies firmly, but the anger pulsing through him is letting his fear slip away, as he glares single-mindedly at the Sith in front of him, "And you are a Sith."
"I am not your enemy, Anakin." He's certain, almost smug, entirely unfazed by Anakin's anger. "I can feel your anger. It gives you focus. Makes you stronger." He's smug, and Anakin hates him for that even more.
It's a warning that he's not thinking clearly, though, not through his pain and rage and betrayal. But this doesn't make sense. "If you think I would join you, you are delusional," Anakin snaps, drawing his lightsaber. He knows somewhere through his anger that he can't attack the Chancellor, because that would be a very bad move and would endanger the Order, but he's not thinking clearly right now. There's too much anger, too much darkness.
"I didn't bring you here to fight, my boy."
"Don't call me that," he snaps.
The look on Sidious's face sends a shiver down his spine. "I will call you want I want, Anakin. You are mine. My apprentice. My son."
He can't breathe at all. It feels like pressure is crushing his chest, squeezing his lungs. "No," he protests, shaking his head, "That is impossible. I was created by the Force." He is, isn't he? Even if he always resented that? Even if he never wanted to be different? Even if he... was always different in the Force than anyone else?
Palpatine looks at him, and... Anakin knows he's not lying. He can feel it. It feels true, but it doesn't make any sense.
"If you think that will make me loyal to you, after you abandoned me and my mother –"
"Have I ever," he interjects, "Stopped you from following your heart? From doing what you know is right?"
"That doesn't matter," Anakin growls. And he is angry, so, so angry, that Sidious left them there, if he could have done it any differently.
"I was not able to free her at the time," he continues, and Anakin can sense the truth to it, even if he doubts it's the same as Palpatine is trying to make him think it was, "And I had no knowledge she was being taken to Tatooine."
His mind is being overwhelmed with the implications of it all. "Did you hurt her?" he has to know. It's – maybe – the only thing holding him back from ripping the Sith's throat out. Palpatine had never hurt him, and the thought of him hurting anyone is just so foreign to Anakin it doesn't make sense.
Sidious – because now Anakin has no doubt it is Sidious – studies him appraisingly before moving closer, reaching for him but Anakin jerks back to avoid it.
"Touch me again, and I will take off your hand," he growls.
"I created you," the Sith says, and Anakin almost wishes his eyes were yellow, or anything just so he could fully differentiate this from Palpatine. "I made you. I forged you. You were everything I wanted you to be. Have I hurt you, Anakin?"
"You betrayed me," Anakin replies. His heart is pounding again. Sidious is pacing around him, and Anakin moves back, keeping his distance. It reminds him of – of Zygerria, and he feels helpless now like he did then.
"I did not hurt her. I did not even see her. I sensed her presence, and the Dark Side showed me she was the one I was searching for."
"Searching for," Anakin echoes, feeling faint. Palpatine was trying to... make him. He doesn't even know what to think about that. He doesn't want to believe it.
"I created you with the Force," he explains. It... makes sense, and that's what the worst part is. Anakin knows that the Force never makes things happen on their own – it directs actions, but never interferes as directly as the Jedi had told Anakin it did with him.
"You still left us," Anakin accuses, "If you knew."
"I would have preferred to raise you than have the Jedi do it," he replies almost indifferently, "I know you have tasted vengeance when the Sand People killed your mother. You have used the Dark Side. You have touched the Dark Side. You have seen its strength."
"No," Anakin denies firmly, "I will not join you. You're a Sith." He tries to ignore how he can only think, half-panicked, that it explains so much about him. No wonder, he couldn't train Ahsoka – he's the creation of a Sith. A means for an end. No wonder, all he can do is destroy. It makes him want to weep. Now, everything – everything about his life makes sense. Even why Obi-Wan didn't want him. Why Ahsoka left him. Why...
Why does he have to be this?
How is he any better than Sidious himself? At least Sidious is human. He's a born monster. How does he think he could be a Jedi or anything good?
"The Council will know what to do," Anakin says instead, because he knows he won't be able to make a logical choice on this. Not one where he won't mess everything up again.
"You know they will kill me," he replies, "But can you trust them? Do you know what their intentions are? Do you believe that would be the right choice?"
Right now, he's not sure about anything. "Of course, they will make the right choice," he replies firmly. He tries to ignore the part of his mind whispering that he needs to break free, to find a way out of this control, but he knows he can't trust himself. Not if the fact that he hasn't already told Master Yoda is anything to go by.
"Did they make the right choice when they left your mother?"
Anakin's anger flares again. "You left us both." He knows he's not thinking clearly, here facing the person who, apparently, caused everything he's struggled with as a child, and for all the pain his mother went through in the time.
"It does not change how the Jedi Council did the same," he replies, "Your friend Obi-Wan kept you from saving her, when he knew you could have prevented her death."
"Do not bring him into this," Anakin snaps. He knows it's true – Obi-Wan has caused him infinite pain, from yes, letting his mother die, from making him watch as he died, from standing by as the Council expelled Ahsoka. All things Anakin will never forgive him for. All things Anakin will never forgive himself for either. All the things he hates himself for loving Obi-Wan for, but for all that it is, he can never not love Obi-Wan.
It's impossible.
He truthfully doesn't know what Obi-Wan is to him, and it doesn't really matter. All that does is that Obi-Wan raised him, took care of him, taught him how to be human. He may not have wanted Anakin, but he still had him, and that's what mattered most. It's always what matters most. Obi-Wan only tried to help him, the same way Anakin did Ahsoka, even if it's... hard.
It was always hard. It still is. Obi-Wan expectations are impossible, but it's not his fault Anakin isn't good enough.
It's not his fault Anakin was made by a Sith.
He hates how badly the mere thought is enough to make him want to cry.
"Either way, you know the truth, Anakin, even if you don't want to admit it."
Does he? He doesn't know anything anymore. "I know that you started the war for your own gain," Anakin accuses instead, because the best thing he can do is deflect this away from himself. It's too much, too fast, and his hands are shaking, maybe from anger, maybe fear, maybe pure exhaustion.
"No. I am bringing the galaxy peace. You yourself have seen the disorder that consumes the galaxy, Anakin. You were a part of it." The Sith has something calculating in his eyes again, and it sends a shiver down his spine. "When I saw you, years ago, I could see our similarities. I had not intended it as such, but you far better than I anticipated. You are everything I could have wanted."
How long has he wanted Obi-Wan to say that?
"We are nothing alike," Anakin shoots back, furiously. "I am not a Sith. I never will be." That's when he notices, for the first time, that Palpatine has never outright spoken of himself as a Sith. Is that intentional? His words are all careful, measured, so they can't be used against him. Anakin will never understand these mind-games the same way Obi-Wan does, and never in that moment has he wished more for his former master's presence.
"You desire... power," Palpatine says, moving closer. He's shorter than Anakin is, but still, this somehow manages to make him feel far smaller than he really is. "To protect your family. You believe the power you seek will stop you from feeling helpless."
"How would you know that?" Anakin snaps back – he doesn't want to think about it, because he automatically knows the truth to it. He does, all of that. It takes a moment for the rest of it to catch up to him. Except that is not possible, because Palpatine was never a slave as a child so why would he...
But he's already moving on before Anakin can demand details about that, unless it's a lie, but it feels almost truer than everything else he's said.
"I understand you. I want you, when you know no one else ever has."
"Padme did," he argues, quietly, because it's all he can come up with. Sidious isn't wrong about that either – no one has ever wanted him. That's why he's always so lonely and depressed.
"I cared for you when the Jedi never did. And Senator Amidala will leave you eventually. You must know that."
"She would never," Anakin snaps, "Don't talk about her like that."
Palpatine gives him that look he does when he thinks Anakin said something unbearably stupid – Obi-Wan does the same thing, and it drives him crazy. "You know I speak the truth. Perhaps you just don't want to hear it."
Yes. That's – it's true. He doesn't want to hear it, but Anakin also knows it's not entirely their fault. "They were doing what they had to, for the greater good," Anakin snaps, "They didn't have a reason to help me when there were so many others who needed it."
"You understand what must be done for the greater good," Palpatine points out smoothly. "It is the same for me. In time, there will be peace and order restored to the galaxy. There is very little difference between the Jedi and the Sith, Anakin."
Anakin shakes his head. "Jedi use their power for good. Sith only think for themselves."
"Do they?" Palpatine asks. He looks almost amused. "Tell me, Anakin, have you truly met a Sith, or is this simply what you have been taught?" he asks, "And you, most of all, know the Jedi are not what you have been taught they were."
Anakin stares back, refusing to back down. He knows that, but he won't give Palpatine this small victory. If the Jedi thought of people beyond themselves, they would never have done what they did to Ahsoka. "We serve the people," Anakin replies.
"They why did they refuse to help your mother when they knew she needed help?"
It's like a punch in the gut with how sharply it cuts home. He has no idea how Palpatine manages to be so truthful about this. It shouldn't be...
"I'm not going to fall for your tricks."
"Will you continue to blindly serve the Council?" Sidious inquires with a softness that must be feigned, "Knowing what they have become?"
"The Jedi cannot always save everyone." It hurts, but he knows it's true, too. Ge had to accept that a long time ago, and in part, it was actually Palpatine who first taught him that. On Tatooine, he heard stories, but they weren't real, at least not entirely.
"Can they not, or is it that they do not try?" Palpatine queries, "Think. Think through the fog of lies they have created around you."
"None of this justifies what you have done to the galaxy," Anakin accuses.
"Lives must be sacrificed for the wellbeing of all. That was one of your first teachings, was it not?"
"To give yourself power?"
"Are you any different, Anakin?"
No. No, he's not. Nothing he does will make him not the child of a Sith. And what will it mean if he doesn't want to be everything he is? Nothing he does can change his very being. "I'm a Jedi."
"You have used the Dark Side," Palpatine points out, "Seen its strength. Join me, and I will give you all the power you have ever wanted."
"The Dark Side doesn't protect. It doesn't save. Only the Light can do that."
"What you speak of – it comes from passion. It is fueled by your passion."
Anakin turns away. He knows Sidious is trying to turn him, but he can't let it happen. He has to deal with it, destroy him, somehow, but it's not an easy thing to think about. He can't do it in a way that would trace back to the Jedi though. The Council would want to deal with it immediately, and that is something they can't do.
But how can Anakin stay quiet about it? But he can't trust the Council anymore. He knows that. He already did agree to help Dooku take out Sidious, and the trick is gathering the information they would need.
And Anakin has absolutely no idea how to go about that unless he does tell the Council.
"You asked how I keep these here earlier," Sidious says, gesturing to the objects around the room. Anakin doesn't know what they do, and he doesn't want to. "The answer is, I do not. The moment you leave, they will be gone. You have no proof of any claims you could make against me." He's smug, and what can Amalom do about that? Sidious is telling the truth about that, too.
"Then why risk yourself and bring them here?"
"There is truly no risk, Anakin," he says evenly, and Anakin tries to ignore how that sends another shiver down his spine. He loathes the sheer helplessness this is making him feel. Sidious has already played this out in every way he could, and one way or another, he'll be the winner. "You cannot use the Force in this room unless you draw on the Dark Side."
He has to probe outwards just to see, and yes. Maybe that explains why he's been feeling so overwhelmed with darkness since the moment he came in the door. Sidious did plan this out thoroughly, didn't he?
"Where do you win in this?" Anakin demands, "What do you want with me?"
"I thought my intention was already quite clear," Palpatine replies smoothly.
"Why not tell me yourself?"
"You would need time to consider it, time I knew you would never have, if you were here on Coruscant."
How can he look so calm and satisfied? Anakin turns for the door automatically, finally, because one thing he knows without a doubt is that if he relies on his own instincts here, he'll never make the right choice. He'll need someone else to make it for him.
The door slides shut with a wave of Sidious' hand, and Anakin hears it lock. He's not letting him out willingly, is he? But the mere fact that they're locked in here makes him feel trapped, and his fear automatically skyrockets. It means there's nowhere to run, and Anakin never does well when there's nowhere to run.
"Let me go," he snarls, "Or I'll cut my way out if I have to."
"Did you ever consider you are being the aggressor here, Anakin?" Sidious asks mildly. "You are not thinking clearly."
Of course, he's not, because this only ever meant very, very bad things on Tatooine. Or anywhere. It feels like there's no way out, even if he knows he could make it out if he had to, and his fear is strangling him. He's feeling faint, almost dizzy, and he's shaking now from the rush of adrenaline. He wants to do something with it, itches to let it out. It happens on occasion when there's no danger whatsoever but now there is a danger, and Anakin has to physically suppress the urge to lash out against it and destroy it to make himself stop feeling like this.
"Are you quite alright, Anakin?" he asks, but his voice filters in from what sounds like far, far away.
"Go to hell," Anakin snarls at him. He needs to get out, away, to run, but he feels trapped, frozen. Then there's hands, touching him, and he flinches away violently. Somehow, it always feels like it did when he was young, that he's still trapped on Tatooine, fearing, always trying to avoid the next beating, trying to...
Everything.
It feels like he'll never be able to truly escape that desert he was trapped in, that he'll always be there under the burning heat of the twin suns, always fearing who will be lost next. His friends, his mother, Obi-Wan, Ahsoka –
He doesn't quite remember how he ended up on his knees, struggling to draw in air that doesn't seem to want to come, but he glances up to see Sidious still standing there, hovering. He's smirking. He's enjoying this, isn't he?
"What are you doing to me?" Anakin growls. It's a failed attempt to cover how helpless he feels, and he knows that, but that, too, is instinctive. Don't show weakness was one of the first things his mother taught him, along with keeping his head down and being submissive, and he doesn't know which to... but this is Darth Sidious, the man who started the war.
The person who Anakin thought was his friend until a few... days? weeks? ago. He's lost track of time.
"I am doing nothing to you," he replies, but it's smooth, too smooth to be real, "This is only what you are doing to yourself."
It's the Dark Side, isn't it? Something about it is too close and oppressive, and it reminds him of something hovering just out of reach, some memory he can't quite place, of something cold and dark and cutting digging into his mind, and he doesn't know why that's suddenly bothering him because he doesn't remember such a thing ever happening. Dooku certainly never did. Sidious couldn't have either or he'd have known. No, it was...
The Son. On Mortis.
Mortis, which is still out there, and that, Anakin realizes with a start, is probably the only place he'll be able to find the answers he needs.
"Do you truly believe I would join you?" he demands, "That I would betray my family?"
"Would it be a betrayal, if you were seeking a way to help them?" He's standing very pointedly in front of Anakin now, and the sheer power difference of it is smothering. Because truthfully, Anakin is... he's no one. No one would miss him if he was gone, and it's the question he's been asking himself the entire time – would it be worth it, to sacrifice himself if it would mean saving everyone in his family? It's not even a question.
"Prove it," Anakin snaps finally, "That there is more to the Dark Side than chaos and destruction."
"Is that I gave you life not proof enough?"
Anakin flinches at the mention of it again – he doesn't want to remember that. Not now. Not ever. The thought of him being a creation of the Sith is to... it means he's the monster he has always feared he is. How can he go back to the Jedi and pretend to be one of them when this is so clearly in his blood?
And as for Anakin himself, he's brought nothing but destruction everywhere, anyway. "No."
"Yet you must feel the truth, do you not?" he queries, "That it has given you power in the past?"
Automatically, he thinks of Mortis again. He used the Dark Side on Mortis, and he saved Obi-Wan and Ahsoka with it. He can't quite say which he was using, but it came instinctively, flowed in with the very currents of the planet, and for as traitorous as it makes him feel, Anakin has to ask himself – is it truly wrong? Yes, he knows the power can corrupt, but...
"Think about it," Sidious says, touching his shoulder again anyway. It takes all of Anakin's willpower not to lash out with how violated it makes him feel. He hates being touched by people he doesn't trust. "And tell me what you decide. But remember, I have never betrayed you as they have. I never will."
Right. As if Anakin would take that from a Sith. All he can do is nod anyway, desperate to get out.
Sidious smiles again, and Anakin can't help thinking it looks so fake. "Then you may leave," he says, "And, of course, it goes without saying you will not mention this to anyone."
He nods again, shakily. He knows he can't tell anyone. There's no one he could tell. This is something he'll have to deal with himself. If the Council punishes him for it later... he'll worry about it after he has what he needs. And he'll deal with it, because if they're upset at him, he deserves it.
It's not as if any of this is anything less than he deserves.
He's a monster, isn't he? And he was born as one. This is not something he can remove.
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