Chapter 21 – Memories

Author's Note: I know this is quite fast-paced, but I really think it's time to pick up the pace. :)

~ Rivana Rita

Rex is definitely a little surprised when General Skywalker arrives at his quarters on the cruiser in the middle of the night. They're up at all hours, even if they try not to be, because of the war. It's a given. Rex occasionally misses the proper sleeping hours on Kamino, but they knew this would be a problem. "I don't want to ask this right now," General Skywalker says, arms crossed. He's visibly upset about something, and Rex finds himself wanting to ask about it. They haven't seen one another since they parted at the Malevolence, and he's just relieved to see that his general is back. "But I... have something to attend to. Can you cover for me?"

"Of course," he replies automatically. He wants details, but he won't ask.

"Thank you, Rex. I'll be gone for about, two days? It's a bit... off the scopes, so I don't want word to get out. I will have to ask Ahsoka as well, but I need to go somewhere. I will be gone no more than two days. Perhaps less."

"I saw your recording," Rex admits finally, "I am... grateful to hear that." His general called him his friend, and for the clones, that means a lot. Anakin has always been loyal to him, and that is something they all look up to.

He smiles, almost shyly. "You deserve that, Rex. You helped me when no one else did. I know I speak of the future, but I cannot forget all that you did for me."

"I have seen how you care for all of us," Rex offers awkwardly, "We are all grateful for it."

"I know you are," his general replies with a nod, "I will... borrow a shuttle, and Artoo, and I'll be back in two days' time."

"Where are you going, if I may ask?"

"I have to talk to someone I met in the future. It's... complicated." General Skywalker smiles mirthlessly. "You wouldn't believe it if I told you."

He thinks he'll just take it as that, considering Rex took the whole time-travel thing perfectly in stride. That was a bit... extreme, to say the least. If he was fine with that, he doesn't want to know what it is his general is doing now. "Good luck," he offers instead.

"Thank you again," Anakin says with a nod.

**w**

Anakin calls Padme to tell her that – predictably – he's going to be otherwise occupied tomorrow night also, which neither of them are remotely happy about before he settles back in his shuttle to meditate. He doesn't even feel like he should, like he doesn't have the right to feel calm anymore.

He's the creation of a Sith. He has no idea what that means for him and for everything. Sidious wasn't wrong, but Anakin can't believe that everything he's worked for was pointless. He gave his life to the Jedi. How could that be for nothing?

He can only hope the Ones will provide some answers, though he's very wary at going to Mortis again. Mortis never brings good memories. A lot happened there. And hopefully, no one will miss him when he's gone.

He turns his focus to some of the mechanics he's been working on – he's irritated they were all unmade in his time-travel, which is also what he has a lot of questions about – and that is... hopeful. Artoo is much better company than most people, and that's plenty to occupy him in the hyperspace time.

That doesn't make him much less wary as he exits hyperspace at the coordinates he almost wishes he didn't remember and just waits. There's nothing there, but Anakin remembers there wasn't last time either. The ship shudders though, and Anakin settles back, trying to draw the Force into himself to quell his anxiety as the strange white light appears through the darkness of space.

He blacks out again. Artoo, strangely enough, is sitting where he was before, except he's inactivated. Anakin isn't surprised about that either. And... they're outside the Father's monastery.

This isn't where he ended up last time.

He isn't surprised, though. He hadn't accepted what he was last time, but he knows now, even if he still resents it. He won't like what he finds, but he must know the truth. The Father never lied to him.

He climbs the endless winding stairs up to the entrance, overwhelmed by the sheer power of the planet. Everything here feels whited out by power. It's not Light, though. It's both. There is more to the Force than the Light, and that's what Anakin doesn't understand. He used the Daughter's lifeforce to resurrect Ahsoka. That was a Light power, but it was also something far deeper than the Jedi ever spoke of.

"Welcome," the Father's voice rings out, not quite like Anakin remembered, but not quite not. He's standing at the end of the aqua-colored walkway.

"I know who you are," Anakin replies, walking in slowly, cautiously.

"Do you?" he inquires, though he doesn't sound surprised.

"I have been here before," Anakin replies. He's here alone. He doesn't need to be worried about Obi-Wan and Ahsoka. "I came here for answers."

"I see an anomaly in your presence," he muses, and Anakin stands his ground, refusing to be intimidated under the Father's gaze. It's unnerving to feel someone so strong in the Force, someone who feels as the embodiment of the Force itself. "As if something shattered, causing a loop in time."

"Yes," Anakin says, "I lived beyond all this. Then I... died and was sent back here. You brought me here before, to ask if I was the Chosen One."

"What answers do you seek?" the Father inquires.

"What does it mean? What am I? What will it mean for the galaxy?" What about my family, he doesn't ask.

"The Chosen One is to balance the Force."

"But what does it mean?" he asks, "The Sith speak of the same." He tries not to think about what that means.

"There is far more to the Force than the Jedi or Sith speak of. There is a balance in both that the galaxy has long been forgotten."

He's careful to school his expression. "Why did I come back here?"

"Your duty was not yet fulfilled," the Father replies, "The flow of time is fluid. Your timeline has broken, sending a ripple through a stream. Those you are bonded to may be drawn through before the ripples settle out."

That, Anakin realizes with a jolt, explains the memories his family has been having. Qui-Gon had explained some of it, and he'd figured out some of it, but it's different to discuss it with a living, breathing person. "But what is my purpose as what I am?"

"That is what where the Force will lead you," he answers cryptically, "I cannot give you this answer. No one can."

"I must know," Anakin protests, stepping forwards, because he must. "Am I destined to be a Sith?"

"There is far more to the Force than the Light and Dark," he repeats, "Whether you embrace the Dark or not, it will be your choice."

Choice. That's what he needed to know. "Thank you," he says, swallowing. He needs to know, even if he doesn't fully understand how it works. Then again, he doubts even Master Yoda is capable of understanding the workings of the Force. No mortal can.

Qui-Gon told him he doesn't have to be alone.

He remembers, with a start, that when he was here last, something happened, and the Father hid is memories. He will never ask what it was, because clearly it was something he shouldn't know, but would... that work the other way? Could Anakin bring any of them through?

The sheer possibility of not feeling so lonely consumes his mind instantly.

"Beware," the Father warns, "The Dark will always call to you. The Force granted its strength to someone who will never be corrupted by its power. But your passions – they can imbalance you."

He wishes Yoda was half this explanatory. At least the Father somewhat makes sense.

"I will remember," Anakin promises. That's the most he can offer.

**w**

He gets back after sunset two days later like he suspected, quite irritated by the time. He needs to go over to his apartment, but he'll stay with Padme tonight, anyway.

Anakin isn't that surprised when he jolts awake in the middle of the night after a nightmare about Ahsoka fighting him on Mortis.

Sleeping is always so hard, and now that he's awake, he finds himself wondering whether it would be worth it to try bringing someone else through. He couldn't do it with Obi-Wan, not ever, and he wouldn't for Ahsoka either. She doesn't deserve to remember that, and he can't bear the thought of losing her again.

But there's still Padme and Rex.

"Anakin, are you alright?" Padme inquires, approaching behind him as he stands, staring out into the traffic. He hadn't meant to wake her, and he loathes how it feels like he can never spend time around her at length. He owes her that much, so why can't he even give her that?

"It's just a dream," he says with a soft sigh, "A lot happened in the future."

"What happened?"

Anakin lets out a quiet sigh. "Ahsoka was mind-controlled by a Dark Sider. It's... a long story." And really one he can't explain, but he won't tell Padme that. He should tell her if she asks. It would only be right.

"How much changed with you back here?" she inquires, curious.

It's a hard thing to answer. "Everything. Nothing. Obi-Wan is not who I remember anymore. I... would have lost Ahsoka either way." It's complicated with Padme most, because she's his wife but she doesn't really remember him. Maybe... he has a chance to fix that. He could, but he doesn't know.

She touches his arm, and he leans into it, wishing, just wishing that it didn't have to be like this. Even if he knows he doesn't deserve her. It's better, easier now that he understands he still has a choice, though he doesn't fully understand how all it fits together. Does it really matter, though? It's not as though the Force won't control it all in the end.

Anakin finds himself desperately trying to think of something he could do to distract himself from this. It's not often that the memory of Ahsoka's yellow eyes haunts him anymore, but he'll always remember how it felt to see her lying there, cold and dead. Maybe it's just that it's how he's afraid he'll somehow lead her to that. It's not as though it would be hard. He's still the creation of the Sith even if he was also made by the Force. It's complicated. "I haven't watched podraces in a while," he says, almost sheepishly. And, right, Obi-Wan knows about that now. That was almost embarrassing.

Padme laughs. "You're about to say you want to see one, aren't you?"

"I know Jedi shouldn't seek excitement, but it helps me focus," he confesses, and he hates how it always feels illegal to say that. But it's the truth, and it's not as though he should be here with Padme either.

"Alright," she says, grinning – that's the same way she looked at him when they first met again, as if he's a child, but when he thinks of how silly it is, he understands why. "But just once. I'm going back to bed."

"Promise," Anakin says, kissing her briefly before she disappears back into their room.

Well... he did miss this, too.

**w**

Anakin and Obi-Wan are, predictably, back on the fronts before they know it. Anakin doesn't remember the specifics of where Grievous was at this point in time, which is maddening, seeing as he has no idea what they can do about it.

Or rather, he should say, he didn't, until Rex mentions that he and Cody are leaving for the Rishi outpost.

That's when Anakin perks up instantly. He remembers this. "I would like to come with you," Anakin declares immediately. "I remember this from last time. It was an unpleasant situation."

"I believe you mentioned some of the clones you knew came from it," Obi-Wan says. He's here, too, and Anakin is grateful they're only interacting on a... professional level, because he doubts he could handle the guilt of it otherwise. He hates himself every moment for not telling the Council about Sidious, but he has to wait. That doesn't make the wait easier, and nor does he have any idea when it'll end.

"Grievous will be there," Anakin adds as afterthought, "We may have a chance to capture him if we arrive on time, assuming he still attacks." That's one side of time-travel – the ripple effects are uncertain and unpredictable.

"Very well," Obi-Wan agrees, "It could harm nothing. Go there and report your findings immediately.

"Of course, Master."

There's always an underlying you should've told us but neither of them speaks of that.

Anakin feels slightly out of place going with Rex and Cody on an inspection, but they don't object. If they find it unusual, no one mentions it. They've all worked together closely, and Anakin suspects he and Cody can see eye-to-eye in a way no one else could, except... well, maybe Ahsoka, since Obi-Wan is training her this time, too.

It would still be strategic to attack this base, since it's a direct route to Kamino, and the Separatists are no doubt planning to attack it eventually. They cannot lose Kamino.

Everything looks normal from the outside when he arrives in his fighter with Artoo, but Anakin can sense something is wrong when they exit hyperspace. There's a growing tension in the Force that's present right before battle.

When the ship lands, Anakin waits until the others are out before he climbs out himself. A clone is walking towards them, but it doesn't look right. No. It... has remains of a Force-presence, but it's not a real person. The similarity of it is startling, though, but Anakin trusts his instincts more than his eyes – it's the first lesson as a Jedi.

"As you can see, the outpost is operating at peak efficiency. Thank you for visiting, and have a safe trip back," a clone-like voice says as the armored figure approaches, making far too jerky motions for a human.

Anakin moves forwards from behind Rex and Cody, who seem confused by the not-clone's odd behavior.

He reaches out with the Force just one more time before igniting his lightsaber and throwing it at the very-obviously-droid, beheading it.

"What the heck are you doing?" Cody shrieks, startled.

"It's a droid," Anakin replies. He expected it, but that doesn't mean he likes the looks of it – the droids probably already took out most of the clones here. He can only hope Echo and Fives are alright. He cannot fail Echo like that again. He doesn't hesitate before plunging his lightsaber through the door up ahead. In truth, none of it takes too long with Anakin there. He's fought battles far worse than this time and again, and it's that much faster when Rex and Cody are rejoined by their brothers, the reminder of Domino Squad – Echo, Fives, and Hevy. The rest were either taken out by droids or one of the eels outside.

Anakin isn't able to contact Obi-Wan, though he lets Artoo try to get a message through. He's not sure if it was instincts or by a message that the fleet shows up and chases off Grievous before he can cause any harm. It's almost a pity, he thinks; they could've gotten him, maybe, but that was clearly meant to wait for another time and place.

What matters is that Echo and Fives are here. Even if he has to figure out how to explain his presence here to the Council, it's worth it if he saved one of them. Just one. Hevy. Echo and Fives talked about them all sometimes, and he wished he could've done more, but... he tried. It... wasn't enough, but he can say he tried, and he can only hope that's what counts.

Seeing Fives makes him miss what they once had, though, again reminding him of how it is to see people he knew when they don't know him anymore. Maybe... it doesn't have to stay that way?

**w**

Ahsoka has been staying at the Temple for a while, though she's set to rejoin the fleet soon enough. She learns faster in action, Anakin knows, but right now he just has time with Rex and the boys. He... enjoys it, though it always hurts to have to remember how so many of them died in the future, and to know the faces that he last saw, that he saved on that planet when he... died. Can he die? It doesn't matter right now anyway.

"Sometimes, I think I shouldn't be alone in this," Anakin finally finds himself telling Rex, because Rex is always the one person he can trust.

"But you are the only one who came back here," Rex replies.

"The dreams you've been having?" Anakin asks, idly turning over the mechanism he's working on. He often spends his free time – whatever little time that is – trying to upgrade ships. "Everyone has been having those. Everyone who knows me. I think... I could maybe pull someone through before the Force stills out. It's been in chaos ever since I came back here, but it's slowly settling down."

"That's why the dreams have been slowing down," Rex deduces.

"That would be," Anakin nods. He actually hasn't talked to Ahsoka about what all she's seen, and he won't dare mention it to Obi-Wan. Not ever.

"I dreamed of a lava planet somewhere," Rex adds, "Echo and Fives were there."

"Hevy died in the future," Anakin admits, "We lost Echo on a lava planet, yes. He was an ARC trooper."

Rex is quiet, leaving Anakin to his thoughts. "This is why," he adds quietly, "I want someone else to... be able to help. Obi-Wan knows, but I..." Obi-Wan might tell the Council. They probably should. He only hasn't, because he doesn't want to explain and then deal with them being upset about how he never said anything earlier. But if he keeps staying quiet, everything that happens, everyone who dies, it'll all be on him.

But how can he really trust the Council to make the right choice? Sidious had a point about that.

They have done so many things that he can't just accept, even if he knows they try their best.

"Would you be willing?" Anakin asks, almost shyly, "If I... could find a way for you to remember?"

"I don't know, sir."

"It's okay," Anakin assures him, "I would just... like an answer eventually." He doesn't want to bear this burden alone. "I just think it... would help more if someone else could – was here."

"General Kenobi would be of far more help than me," he objects.

"I don't think I could," Anakin confesses, "He and I... have some complications, and with his shielding, I doubt I would be able to do it."

"Complications," Rex replies a bit dryly, "Is that why you have hardly been talking?"

"We argued," Anakin says sheepishly, "And I think he's angry at me. It will take a while to wear off." He almost doesn't want it to. It would be easier if they're apart from each other, because the Council will find out about Padme eventually, and it would hurt less if he didn't have to lose Obi-Wan entirely at one moment. If it felt like he already had. If... but he hates how losing Obi-Wan seems like an inevitable part of his existence. It shouldn't have to be. Obi-Wan raised him. Their relationship is strained now, and Anakin has no idea what to do about that. He's not really sure why his master hasn't already told the Council of the situation either. It doesn't make sense. Maybe... he should ask. Maybe he should do it anyway. He probably ought to. They... won't be happy, though.

He should deal with it, but he's always afraid to talk to the Council. Always afraid of feeling that crushing, strangling I don't belong here, I'm something lesser, insignificant, what am I doing here that he feels every time he steps through those doors.

It doesn't help that it's now accompanied by a what am I. Every time he imagines standing in front of the Council and telling them what happened, of facing Master Windu's sharp "why are you saying this now, Skywalker" makes him reconsider.

He wishes he wasn't what he is – something so messed up and broken and... defective, something.

The gaping emptiness he's felt since Ahsoka left has only grown, and now he's just desperate, desperate to feel something, anything else.

Something other than this... emptiness. It feels like it's first sinking in that everyone he knew is gone.

**w**

Anakin is a little surprised when Rex returns to tell him that yes, he does. He wants it. "You should not have to do it alone," he says, by way of explanation.

What in the galaxy is he supposed to say to that? Obi-Wan was the first person to help him after he came to the Temple, but it feels like Rex is the first person – since his mother – to give him that kind of senseless loyalty. He doesn't understand it, but Rex is loyal because he is – because all the clones are. It's something written so deeply into Mandalorians, something unforgotten. If someone shows them loyalty, if someone cares for them, protects them, simply out of Mandalorian culture – they will never betray them. They'll always stand together.

It... had been tricky, hard with Krell, for that reason. Mandalorians are about honor, always, and Anakin wonders how much of that Jango taught his children. Even if they were the children he was making solely for war – not much different than what Sidious did for Anakin, though Anakin still can't understand it. The Jedi never let him be one of them. They always... he knew something was wrong with him. His boys make him wonder.

That's why it's so hard for him to ask anything of Rex, anything at all, for the simple reason he knows the clone will never say no. It feels like he's demanding too much – in the end, Anakin is his... he's his general, but in his own mind, it feels like something much, much worse, something he will never stop hating himself for, because the clones may want to fight for the Republic, but they have no choice – they knew no other way.

They are slaves. Republic slaves. And Anakin hates it, but there is nothing – nothing at all, he can do to stop it.

But Rex, it's not unwilling, never unwilling, it's always that he wants to, and sometimes Anakin wonders, wildly, if the way Rex feels towards him resembles how he himself does for Obi-Wan, in the part of Anakin that always wants to give his master everything, always, because he wants to. Because he wishes he would learn what it meant to be happy, but Obi-Wan is always too pessimistic for that.

"Thank you," is all Anakin can say, trying not to break down thoroughly then and there, to ask why Rex would trust him. "I don't really know what it'll take," he admits, "I have never done this before."

"If I can save more of my brothers in this war," Rex replies, "I will do it." It's that loyalty again. Anakin nods, expelling his nervousness into the Force.

It's complicated to get them somewhere alone and uninterrupted, so Anakin can try meditating.

The Force welcomes him as clearly as it always does, though it's so overwhelming. He can feel the nearby planets, but at least they're not currently on a planet – it's easier in space, with less people, less to feel. It doesn't hurt quite as much out here, when everything outside these metal walls is empty and cold.

But getting deeper takes time, and he tries not to rush it. Rex is patient; he's always patient. Quiet and soft and waiting, even if he knows what's about to happen. And Anakin takes that, this slightly less dim presence of his vod and delves into the Force, reaching, searching for... the other, for the time he came from. It's not hard – there's a distinct link between this Rex and... the other one.

And now, finally, with his greatest desire right out of reach, he stops. He can't say why. Is this really, truly what he wants?

Of course, it is. He's tired of being alone.

But if he carries through with what he wants to do... it means Rex will be as alone as he is. None of his brothers will remember, and Anakin doubts he can bring them through. But Rex will be able to help where Anakin can't, he tries to reason. But that's not why he's doing it, is he? He's doing it for – for himself.

He can feel it, the consciousness of his Rex just in his reach. Just a little farther, he can wrap himself around him and pull him through the rest of the way, and – and they'll be together. Anakin won't have to do this alone ever again, because Rex – his vod – will always be there. Always.

But then, Rex himself will have to deal with the sheer trauma of war. He'll remember seeing Echo get blown up as he stood by, watching. He'll remember Ahsoka walking away, too. He'll remember countless of his brothers dying, and can Anakin truly do that to him? Can he really put another person through this?

And... the Force sent Anakin here for a reason. Being alone is nothing new to him. He always has been, and he has survived thus far. He loathes it, but it's how the Force made it. It... needs to be that way, even if he doesn't understand why. The Force is not something any living being can begin to understand.

I came all this way. He's right there. Just a little farther, closer, and –

He pulls back, ignoring how the pain of it feels like it's about to tear him apart to nothing. It doesn't matter, does it? If Rex was meant to come here, then the Force would have sent him here itself. This is Anakin's burden to bear, and he was meant to do it alone, so he will. It's – it's fine.

He was only thinking for himself, of the pain tearing him apart. He knows better than this. He should be better than this, and he will make up for it. He was so lost in his own grief he hasn't taken the time to worry about... other, actually important things. This is how it was meant to be, no matter if he doesn't like it. And he doesn't, but this is how the Force willed it to be, and he will accept that, whether he likes it or not.

Ahsoka was meant to leave him, wasn't she? And no, Anakin still has no idea what it is so wrong and broken about him that means he always needs to be alone, and he probably never will, but it's what it is. He trained her as best he could, and she wouldn't have left him if she wasn't meant to, even if he couldn't understand or accept it at the time. She's not dead though. He failed her, and she left him, but that's how it was meant to be. Nothing more. And all he can do now is do better with the younger, more innocent version of her. He will do this right – he must. He won't fail her again.

He is the sun-dragon, with a heart of fire. It's his duty to protect those he loves. He can and will – all the power he needs is right inside himself. He just needs to learn to use it. It's not fair for him to want the same from others that he gives them. It doesn't matter how much he wants it.

It doesn't. It really, really doesn't, and it feels strangely freeing to know, and finally, he lets go. He feels light, even if there's a deep-set weight in his chest that never goes away. It's fine. He'll be fine, and he'll do it for Ahsoka. For – for his mother, for all of them. (And maybe when he's done, Obi-Wan will finally be happy with him.)

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