"These humans are my food," I told grandmother. "You can't have them." Not entirely the truth, but I figured it would be enough to convince her to leave my friends alone.

Roger's phone gave the translation: "I need to use the restroom. Urgently."

"Stay back," I cautioned the scientists as they tried to follow me. "Socmavaj eggs can sense when you get close to them."

The eggs don't really sense anything. The socmavaj inside does the sensing, but I doubted they'd remember the terminology.

I tried to get closer to Grandma, but Mara restrained me with the leash.

"All for you?" Grandmother cried. "Didn't your mother ever teach you to share?"

(Autotranslation: "What play are you going to see at the theater?")

"This is worse than Monty Python's Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook," Craig muttered as he peered at the device.

Roger pointed at the screen. "I think it's pulling out line one instead of line three. It's saying something about sharing." Shivering from his illness, he pulled his wrappings tighter around his body.

"Sharing us, no doubt," Craig muttered.

"We should go."

"Roger. We came here to complete a mission, and we still haven't exploited all our tools."

"You would not want to eat these humans anyway," I told Grandma. "One of them is diseased."

(Autotranslation: "I will be bringing sandwiches and potato chips to the party.")

Grandmother gave me a skeptical look. "Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik, you know better than to lie to your old grandma, don't you?"

(Autotranslation: "Are you also staying at the college dormitory?")

"I'm telling the truth, Grandma. One of my companions has something called AIDS, which ruins the flavor of his flesh."

(Autotranslation: "This AIDS is defective. I wish to return it for a full refund.")

Grandma snapped her head angrily to one side. "What is that infernal racket? I can barely hear myself think!"

(Autotranslation: "I love this music. Let's go to the discotheque.")

"Shut it off!" I hissed to Roger. "She can hear it!"

"Shit!" Roger cried, frantically pushing buttons.

"You're not going to—" Craig began.

Roger cut him off. "I only pressed mute."

"There, Grandma," I said. "No more noise."

She stared at my android captors, frowned at the leash and collar. "Why, Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik. You look miserable in that thing. Why don't you let old Grandma help you..."

She suddenly bounded up to me, ripping my collar apart.

"See?" Roger cried. "I told you we should have made it out of a tougher material!"

Craig glared at him.

Grandmother grabbed the head of a Mara unit, tilting it sideways experimentally. The android did not resist. "Must you bring these disgusting things down here? They emit such unpleasant odors."

"It was the humans' idea."

"You shouldn't let them boss you around, Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik. You don't think I got to where I am today by being a human's pet, do you?"

"Well, no," I stammered.

Grandma gave the android a shove. "Get this thing out of here. That white junk smells awful and it ruins the floor."

I glanced at the robots. "You two should go protect Craig and Roger."

They didn't move. "We have orders to escort you."

I apologized to Grandma, telling her I couldn't.

Groaning like a human being told to take out the garbage, Grandma stabbed her sharp jagged tail through an android's stomach, hurling her into Craig. The fell to the floor.

The remaining robot ran to assist the others.

"There," Grandma said with an air of satisfaction. "Much better...So, what brings you to visit your old grandma today?"

I sighed. "Grandma, I don't know how to say this nicely, but we need you to nest someplace else."

She let out a loud purring sound, the Ss'sik'chtokiwij equivalent of laughing in my face. "Someone is getting a little too large for their egg!"

"I'm serious, grandmother. You need to go. This is not your territory."

"How could you be so heartless!" Grandma cried. "To force your own grandmother to pick up her eggs and leave the only home she's ever known, to starve to death in the wilderness!"

"Grandma, I'm not asking you to go far. I just want you to move out of the ship a little. Find a cave nearby and put your eggs in there."

She shook her great head. "And once I'm in there, I imagine you'll ask me to move further. And further. And further!"

Grandmother roared, making me tremble all the way down to my tail.

It seemed the answer was no.

I thought she intended to attack me, but she only sat down on the floor. "I'm sorry, Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik. I didn't mean to raise my voice. It's all these egg laying hormones."

She smiled. "You've grown to become a very beautiful Ss'sik'chtokiwij. You look so much like your mother when she was your age. How is she, by the way?

I whimpered. "She's dead."

Grandma bowed her head. "She didn't starve, did she?"

"No, no. She was...quite full. She, um, died of something else."

"Humans!" she growled. "Is that why you brought these two? To give them the proper punishment?"

"No, grandmother. I did it. I killed her."

Without warning, Grandma grabbed me by the throat. "Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik! How dare you! Killing your own mother!"

Grandmother slapped me in the face. "Grandma taught you better than that!"

She slapped me again, then shoved me to the floor, sneezing and coughing in grief. "What about your sisters? Did you kill them too?"

Taking my hesitation as an answer, she grabbed me by the throat again. "Doesn't family mean anything! Answer me while I'm choking you!"

I wept. "It's not like that, grandmother! I love them...but I also love humans, and Jesus! They didn't understand that humans can be more than just food and a receptacle for eggs."

She relaxed her grip for a moment. "You're right. Their skulls also make excellent puppets. But that's no reason to murder family members!" Her grip tightened.

"Grandmother..." I spoke in a scolding tone. "That's not what I meant. Humans have families that miss them when they are disemboweled. They have a culture and beliefs and dreams. Most importantly, they have Jesus, the offspring of the great Ss'sik'chtokiwij that created us, who died so that we can all go to the great hunting ground called `heaven' after death."

She let go of me, retreating a little. "You are sick. Your mother told me you'd been imprisoned by those humans. Have they done something to you?"

"They wanted to use it for evil, but God used it for good."

Grandmother looked at me with pity as she stroked my head, picking at my probe caps. Fortunately, Craig had been kind enough to remove the devices before this `socialization', so she couldn't do much damage. "What have they done to your pretty head?"

"They are badges of suffering I proudly bear for the name of Christ."

She just shook her head sadly, like she'd birthed a hatchling without legs.

"Grandmother, four humans died after coming here."

"Was that really my fault? I didn't ask them to go around making noise, bumbling about where they aren't invited. It's my home, Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik. You don't see me climbing up in their nests and moving around their larvae, do you?"

I sighed. "Grandma, you're sitting beneath a very...useful machine that the humans need—"

"A cursed nuisance. I hear that noise at all hours of the day and night, and then there's all the banging and pounding and shouting as they do...whatever it is that they're doing up there. I can't get a moments' sleep! And you wonder why I'm so cranky!"

"Then grandmother, why don't you just...scoot back a little bit, away from the machines, into a cave?"

"I'm comfortable here," she snarled. "This is where I laid all my eggs! You know how hard it is to move a socmavaj egg once it's glued to the floor with slime? It doesn't take much to rip it in half! Socmavaj don't live too long outside the egg when they're that young!"

I glanced at her eggs, rubbed my face in frustration. They indeed looked securely glued, unlike mother's eggs. "What if we...cut the floor?"

Grandmother had chosen the room partly because of the ornate floor design, which resembled the innards of an exploded robotic squid. "What, and ruin the beautiful...whatever this is?"

"But aren't you already ruining it with your caustic slime?"

She waved a claw dismissively. "That's much easier to fix than the damage from those human devices. Have you seen the area around that big box that goes up and down? It's hideous!"

I gave Craig and Roger a shrug and apologetic shake of the head.

"Dammit," Craig growled.

The two muttered to each other, waved me over. Apparently the situation had fixed some of our trust issues.

"Please excuse me, Grandmother. I need to talk with my friends."

Grandma gave me a saddened shake of the head, but stepped back, allowing me to rejoin my comrades.

"So what did she say?" Craig said.

"I'm pretty sure it's a no." Roger crossed his arms. "Based on these translations."

"I'd rather hear that from the horse's mouth."

"This is her home," I said. "She can't move her eggs."

Roger tapped the monitor. "Right. Because it'll splatter them and ruin the floor. Did I get that right?"

I nodded. "Mostly. Your device seems to be working."

Roger frowned at his associate. "What are we going to do?"

"Obviously we need to bait the creature into a cave, then trap it with a strategically placed detonation."

"I didn't bring any explosives."

"Fortunately, I did. They're in a case near the elevator."

Roger gave me a respectful nod. "Ernie? If you will...?"

I led them back the way we came, but before we could make it to the elevator, I found myself staring face to face with Hissandra.

"Hello, sister! Fancy meeting you here!"

Roger gasped. "My God! There is another one!"

Craig glanced over his shoulder. "And that's not counting the one sneaking up behind us."

True. Despite bearing a large egg laying sac, Grandmother remained ambulatory. "Hissandra, your sister brought some food, but she isn't sharing."

Hissandra nodded her head. "She is so selfish."

Grandma placed a claw on Craig's shoulder. "Sharing is caring, Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik!"