You know, I'm getting really excited. We're getting close to the end of the first movie, and that's a great milestone considering how long this has taken to write. There's actually going to be about six chapters telling what happens between Isla de Muerta and Jack's execution. But for actual movie content including this chapter there's about 4 more chapters of COTBP (maybe more if I have to split chapters.)

Please remember that when I hit the end of the first movie the story will continue in this file. We'll lead into the events of what happens between COTBP and DMC (what, you thought we weren't going to see Philip giddy over planning Will and Elizabeth's wedding and all those awkward moments of chaperoning their swordfighting lessons?) and after about ten chapters of that we'll go into DMC where I can write the oh so fun scenes of Philip and Beckett interacting and Philip being 190% done with this family feud.

Now enjoy the characters doing something incredibly stupid... and having a lot of time to banter when they shouldn't be able to.

Birds of a Feather

The Curse of the Black Pearl

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Something Incredibly Stupid

Philip woke to find Barbossa seated on a pile of treasure, staring down at him with a smug grin on his face and an apple in his hand.

"Tell me, Boy," Barbossa said, "do you enjoy apples?"

Philip scowled as he pushed himself up, "Okay, I'm only about 60% sure this whole adventure isn't just an elaborate fever dream."

He turned to grab his sword and Bible belt that had been taken off him and set to the side. Barbossa slammed his foot down on Philip's fingers, and the missionary hissed in pain.

"Okay, a polite don't touch that would have worked," Philip shook his hand to relieve the pain. "What's going on? What did I miss?"

"I should be asking you that very question," Barbossa said. "How did you escape my men?"

"Don't act like you didn't plan on them counting to five and then releasing me to run off with Syrena."

"And yet I don't see my daughter anywhere. What happened to her?"

"Twigg and Koehler got a hold of her." Philip said bluntly, "They attacked her, tied her up, gagged her, and left her like that to come back and rape her when the curse was broken. But Syrena ended up choking on her gag and almost died."

"So you saved her?"

"Actually Jack did." He clarified when he saw Barbossa's surprise, "The monkey. Not Jack the Human. He only came wandering in later after I helped Jack the Monkey untie Syrena, and interrupted us when we were about to-"

Philip remembered he was talking to Syrena's violent and armed father. Probably not the right person to admit he had had carnal thoughts about Syrena and attempted to kiss her.

"Come save Will," Philip weakly finished. He was certain Barbossa didn't buy it. "Anyway, after talking to Jack about where Elizabeth was we thought it better to split up to save my people. I would go after Will and Syrena would save Elizabeth."

Barbossa laughed far too loudly.

"What a fancy my girl has put in your head," Barbossa's chuckles drew everyone's attention. "Syrena will not turn against me. If you sent her after Miss Swann all she's going to do is bring her kicking and screaming to me to get my revenge for her duplicity."

"Bastard!" Will shouted, fighting against the tall pirate he still couldn't believe was actually named Weatherby of all things. "You swore Elizabeth would go free!"

"And she went free," Barbossa turned his attention to Will. "We never established parameters of what would happen if she came back."

Jack glanced over from a gold Mayan statue he was holding upside down, "You really need to get better at negotiating, Young William."

Will rolled his eyes.

But Philip just smirked at Barbossa, "I know where Syrena's loyalty lies. She'll fight on my side."

"No, Boy, she'll come back to me. She's been mine for years and she'll be mine yet. I gave her you, but she's my crew, my pet, and she has no love for Miss Swann to make her think twice. No amount of sweet nothings can break the bond between father and daughter. She'll choose me over you any day."

Philip raised his eyebrow, but chose not to point out Barbossa slipped up and called Syrena his daughter in front of his crew. He honestly wasn't sure if Barbossa was playacting for his crew or not with this intimidation act.

But Jack just looked at Barbossa in disinterest, "I dunno, Mate. A grizzled, old pirate who kept her chained to a wall or a handsome, shirtless young man who saved her from Twigg and Koehler three times. I may not know a lot about women, but I think the choice is quite clear. Not that it would be a smart move to throw in with this naïve lot. Honestly, the three of them has added at least a dozen white hairs to my head this past month."

Barbossa shook his head, "I must admit, Jack, I thought I had you figured but it turns out you're a hard man to predict."

"To be honest, is there anyone who could really predict the actions of Captain Jack Sparrow?" Philip asked. "Your mind is such an impossibility to figure out that I'm certain if we opened your head, in place of a brain we would find two matchsticks and a handful of gunpowder."

Jack looked slightly flattered, "Actually there was one person who had me figured out. Good Old Sarah Smith. Best First Mate a man could ask for. Never once did she mutiny and steal my ship."

Barbossa grunted, "Though I do recall a great many times her threats to push you over the railing into the sea and leave you for Jones to sort out."

Philip scowled, "Is that where you got to idea for what you did to Bill Turner?"

"Merely a happy coincidence."

"Wait," Jack scowled. "What did you do to Bootstrap?"

"Strapped a cannon to his bootstraps and threw him overboard," Will answered bitterly.

"Huh," Jack blinked. His jaw was tight and his heart burned with fury but he did not let it show on his face. "Now that's… creative. Explains the mermaid."

"Syrena," Philip corrected.

"Right, Syrena," Jack chuckled. "But I'm not a hard man to figure out, Hector. Didn't take Sarah long to put it together. I swear, that girl knew what my head was going to decide before I had even thought of it. Makes me think of that battle off the coast of New Zealand. You see, I needed to get onto the enemy ship fast, so Sarah and I climbed into a pair of cannons and-"

"Smith was as mad as you and did nothing but encourage your antics," Barbossa rolled his eyes. "She was a terrible First Mate. She antagonised anyone she hated and flaunted her pirate heritage like being the daughter of Bloody Robert and sister of Red Dirk Dick meant she had any credence herself. Not to mention she's a bloody coward for never turning up to avenge Bootstrap in all these years. Tell me, Young Turner, why is it Smith isn't here to save her son from the evil Captain Barbossa?"

Will seethed, "She's dead."

"What?" Barbossa looked genuinely shocked. "Smith? How?"

"Consumption," Will answered coldly. "I was twelve. Last thing she made me promise was to take her to the beach by our home, bring her into the water to let her die, and to protect father's medallion at all costs. Now knowing she was a pirate, I understand why she wanted to die in the sea."

Jack couldn't help but think of Sarah's last words to him.

Find me when you get to the Locker, Jack.

Sarah knew all the stories of the Locker. She knew the misery that awaited her if she died at sea, lost forever in the world between worlds until Davy Jones got his calamarified arse in gear and did his job again. Had Sarah been that desperate to see Bill again?

Or had she been simply trying to keep her last promise to her Captain?

Jack looked at Barbossa and sneered. Smith was a true First Mate to the end, following orders and keeping vows. Barbossa had dishonored everything Sarah stood for, her word she had kept for years.

Then Jack thought of another promise, a plead from a man who had served him faithfully and suffered for ten years as a result. A man stuck between life and death.

A man who had a cannon strapped to his bootstraps.

"That includes me. Let me leave, Jack. Let me put this life behind myself."

Jack clenched his fist. It was time for this to end. For Sarah. For Bootstrap. For freedom.

For the Pearl.

"You know, Hector," Jack tossed aside the statue. "I'm not a hard man to figure out. I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can trust to be dishonest. Honestly."

Jack sauntered over to Monk who made the mistake of being knelt over, examining treasure. His guard was completely down. Jack remembered all the times Sarah had yelled at Monk for leaving himself vulnerable like that, but now Jack was glad.

He looked at Will, an odd feeling in his heart growing as he thought of his friends he so dearly missed. Yes, friends. Bill Turner and Sarah Smith were the only people he could ever count on to call friend. They were the oddest pair of ducks, a perfect contradiction: good people and damn proud to be pirates.

Jack remembered when Sarah came to him and told her Captain she was pregnant. Sarah had just laid it out to Jack: I'm going to go marry Bill, have this baby, and then Bill and I will trade off raising it and sailing with you. If you don't like it, you can get off my father's ship and find a new vessel to sail.

He had just smirked at her, knowing the argument was not one he could win and asked her if she was certain about having a baby with honest, boring Bootstrap? Living with an honorable man is unexciting and mundane, it's the dishonest ones who get to have all the fun and do stupid stuff.

Sarah had just smiled at him and told Jack the words he never forgot.

"It's the honest ones you want to watch out for," Jack parroted her words. His eyes drifted across the cave and met those of Will's. Jack never noticed before that Will had Sarah's eyes, the eyes that with one glimmer in his own could pick up on any of Jack's plans in an instant. "Because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid."

Jack grabbed Monk's sword and kicked him into the water. When he tossed Will the sword, Will was already prepared to catch it.

After all, Will had his mother's eyes.

As Will knocked away Weatherby and turned to fight Jacoby, Philip lunged for his sword. Barbossa moved quicker and kicked the boy in the face. Philip cried out as blood gushed down his face, nose broken in one move.

Philip clutched his face and groaned, "You realize I'm going to have to tell Syrena you did this?"

Barbossa swung his sword down, but before Philip could find out if Barbossa truly intended on slaying him and coming up with an explanation to Syrena later, Barbossa's sword clashed with Jack's.

Sparrow guided Barbossa away, the pair duelling in a clash of tempers that had been building for far longer than the ten years since the mutiny. But Philip Swift was not standing in the middle of a pirate cave for their antics, his only loyalty there was for Will.

Of course, Will really didn't look like he needed much help. He managed to get Jacoby to accidentally cut Will's hands free, and then he duelled both Jacoby and Weatherby by himself.

Philip seriously considered if it would be improper to applaud.

…Yeah, probably.

Will had taken on all three of the extra pirates: Weatherby, Jacoby, and Monk. He didn't even blink as he clashed with them one by one. It was only when Jacoby stepped back into a beam of moonlight and revealed his skeletal form that Will was startled.

"Hey!" Philip yelled.

For some reason Philip could not possibly conjure, Jacoby actually turned to face him. Philip knocked him to the ground with a punch.

A punch that hurt a lot.

"You alright, Swift?" Will called as he fought off Weatherby and Monk simultaneously.

"Yeah," Philip shook his hand, staring at Will awkwardly. "Uh… you need any help or-"

"No, I've got it settled," Will smashed his elbow into Monk's face. He would have laughed if he knew the reason Monk's nose was disjointed was from Bill Turner breaking it with the same move after Monk got a little too fresh with Sarah once.

Of course, that was only because Sarah wanted to do something much worse. Bill and Jack never did give her the chance to explain what worse was.

"Alright then, Will." A yell caught Philip's attention, and he only just barely brought his sword up in time to block Jacoby's swing at his head. Philip stared at Jacoby in horror as his cursed form gleamed in the moonlight, "You know, I've heard about the curse from Syrena, but what even is this devilry before me?"

"Yeah, not really much mentioning of this sort of thing in the Bible, eh Swift?" Will teased.

"I'm starting to think the Bible left a few things out," Philip grabbed Jacoby in a headlock and slammed the pirate headfirst into the Aztec chest. "Not enough to give up on God, but I'm definitely going to need to sit down with Pastor Thomas when we get back to Port Royal and go over a few things."

"Oh, please let me sit in on that conversation. I can't wait to see the look on his face when you tell him the Aztec Gods actually have powers."

"Personally, I think he's going to get a little hung up on the fact mermaids exist to focus on much else."

The pirates forced Will and Philip backwards and their backs slammed against each other's.

"The best part will be telling him you've fallen in love with a mermaid," Will grinned. "Or will telling your uncle be worse?"

"Hey, at least I didn't take ten years to tell the girl myself," Philip teased. "Seriously, after all the grief the two of you put me through I'm demanding here and now you give your firstborn son the middle name of Philip."

Will scowled, "Elizabeth's engaged to Norrington, Philip."

"Yeah, and she's a Swann. That wedding's never going to happen, and if it does, I vow here and now that at the reception I will get drunk on whiskey and sing my mother's pirate song in front of everyone."

"Only if you promise I get to be your plus one. It may hurt to watch Elizabeth marry another man, but I am not missing whiskey drunk Philip Swift singing pirate shanties at Norrington's wedding," Will knew that nothing knocked a Swann on their ass more than whiskey.

Philip ducked a swipe Weatherby made at his head, "Turner, you have a deal."

"OI!" Jack yelled, locked in a furious battle with Barbossa. "Would you two shut it? We're duelling undead pirates, and only the Captain gets to make quips during such a duel!"

Will glanced at Philip, "Why do I feel like that's actually in the Pirate Code?"

"It is," Philip sighed. He hated he knew that fact, "It is."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"I am telling you there is not passage in the Pirates' Code where one could elect a King of Pirates," Elizabeth shook her head.

"And I'm telling you as someone who has lived among pirates for a decade, and calls a Pirate Lord her father that there is," Syrena objected.

"Look, it doesn't matter if the position exists or not. This argument will never become relevant to our lives, so can we focus on what is? There's the Pearl now."

"Alright, fine." Syrena said. "…But for the record, I'm right."

Elizabeth sighed as the boat came to a stop next to the Black Pearl. As Elizabeth climbed up the ship, Syrena pulled on Philip's shirt which she had taken off and thrown in the longboat because it was easier to swim without it.

Syrena's legs shook hard as she scaled the ship, but considering her precarious relationship with Elizabeth she tried her best to keep her plight hidden. Of course that couldn't last forever.

"Are you alright?" Elizabeth whispered down to Syrena when she noticed the mermaid's struggle.

"It's okay," Syrena's foot scrabbled to find a strong foothold. "I'm just not used to having legs. Usually I have people to do things like this for me."

"You know I'm used to hearing that last sentence, it's just not usually about walking."

"You are so Upper Crust."

Elizabeth laughed.

Syrena signalled for her to be quiet and pointed towards one of the cabins. Elizabeth strained to listen but after a moment heard what the mermaid could hear: a pair of pirates – Grapple and Mallot she would later learn – debating over what food to eat when the curse broke.

"Are all of your crew obsessed with finally eating food after the curse breaks?" Elizabeth asked as she pulled herself over the railing and landed softly on the deck.

"Hey, I prefer it over Twigg and Koehler's desires," Syrena grunted as she pulled herself up to the railing. "Especially after what they tried to do to me. Little help here?"

"What do you mean?"

"I need help to get over the railing."

"No, I mean," Elizabeth sighed and grabbed a hold of Syrena's arm. "What did they try to do? I mean, I know what they want with you, but how did they cross the line? Did they back you into a dark corner and say vile things to you?"

"Oh, nothing like that."

"Thank goodness."

Syrena strained as Elizabeth pulled her over the railing, "No, they knocked me out, kidnapped me, tied me up, threatened to rape me in front of a hostage Philip, and left me in a place where Barbossa couldn't find me, inadvertently putting me in a position where I choked on my gag and almost died."

Elizabeth dropped Syrena.

The Mermaid screamed and hit the cannon with a loud thud. Horror slapped Elizabeth and Syrena as they realized what they had done. Syrena was not badly injured, but that was the least of their problems.

Acting fast, Syrena dove into the water and hid under the surface. Elizabeth stuck her head over the railing to see Syrena was hidden, but quickly pulled back when she saw Syrena safe. A second later Grapple and Mallot stuck their heads out the window to see what was going on.

Elizabeth didn't move fast enough, and their heads snapped up to see a flash of Elizabeth's blonde hair.

They growled, starting to their feet to chase after Elizabeth but a burst of seaweed hit them in the face and wrapped around their throats. Before they could register what was going on, Syrena yanked hard and pulled the pair into the water.

"ELIZABETH!" Syrena yelled.

Elizabeth stuck her head over the side and saw the mermaid shoot a strand of seaweed straight up at her. She didn't know if it was what Syrena wanted her to do, but Elizabeth grabbed the end of the seaweed and yanked as hard as she could.

Syrena grinned as Elizabeth pulled her up the side of the ship, and nodded when she reached the window Mallot and Grapple had been yanked through moments before. Elizabeth understood and let go as Syrena barrelled inside the ship. Her clumsy feet smashed through a table of cake and roast turkey – when and how they had managed to roast a turkey was a mystery Syrena would lie awake trying to figure out until her dying day – and she leapt off the table, breaking into a run.

The girls met on the stairs, Syrena racing in from the side as Elizabeth thundered down the steps.

"Are you alright?" Elizabeth grabbed Syrena by the arms, holding her in a fashion not unlike a friend.

"I'm fine, just confused about a turkey," Syrena smiled. "What about you?"

"Fine, though they'll be back soon."

"Yes, and they're not a pair you want to tangle with." Syrena hissed in pain as she bore a little too much weight on one foot.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Elizabeth looked a little afraid as Syrena rubbed her knee.

"I'm fine, just banged my knee really badly, but I'll live." Syrena couldn't help her smirk, "Come now, Miss Swann. Are you worried about the little creature's safety?"

"Of course not." Elizabeth winked. "If I get you injured, Philip will murder me."

"No, he wouldn't. He's not that kind of man."

"Oh, but he'd lecture me about it in a I'm not mad, just disappointed tone for the rest of my life, and that's a fate worse than death."

Syrena laughed, "Come now, the brig is this way."

And for some reason as Syrena grabbed Elizabeth's arm to lead her forward, Elizabeth didn't feel the urge to make her let go.

Weatherby Swann could not possibly explain what he was witnessing. Skeletal undead pirates murdering the brave men of the King's Navy and his daughter had run off with a mermaid.

He doubted even Rebecca could explain this one. What would she even say if she saw her brother dodging a barrage of skeletal hands smashing through the glass windows to bring an end his life?

No, that was a lie. He knew exactly what Rebecca would say to that scene.

For the Love of the Almighty Lord, Weatherby, just let go of the wig and run to the other side of the room where they can't reach you. You're being ridiculous.

He missed his sister.

Still, Weatherby didn't know what possessed him to wrestle with the hand as it tried to pull away his wig. Maybe it just was from all the training his father beat into him of the pride, honour, and obligation of what that wig meant and don't you dare let someone take it from you.

Weatherby was one hundred percent certain his sister was arguing in Heaven with God to let her go down there for just five minutes to slap some sense into her brother.

He had to focus, think. What to do? What to do? Weatherby found his mind a blank as his mind just focused on the fact that he had never been trained for combat in the slightest. He didn't know what to do, and wasn't supposed to. It was for other men to fight and die for his country, it was up to Weatherby to run it for their children and widows.

Oh great, now he was quoting his father verbatim.

Weatherby had to think. What would his father do? No, he couldn't think like his father. His father never would have gotten into this situation, having left Will and Philip to die at the hands of the pirates. His father would never find himself fighting pirates.

No, he had to think like an adventurer. A clever man. Someone who could make do with whatever little supplies he had around him and turn it into a positive result.

He had to think like Nathaniel.

Yes, Nathaniel, Weatherby brightened at the thought. While Weatherby didn't think Nathaniel ever actually fought pirates, he did know Nathaniel knew how to fight. Not with a sword or any such weapon. Nathaniel personally felt using those weapons was against his individual moral code as a man of God, but absolutely did not believe in that stance for anyone else, otherwise Weatherby never would have given Philip a sword. But Nathaniel was a menace with his fists, and absolutely lived up to his name of swift. Rebecca liked to chuckle to herself and say the man was swift, passionate, strong, unexhaustible, and knew exactly just what spots to hit until he made his partner beg for mercy.

…Okay, now that he thought about it, Weatherby realized she may not have been talking about fisticuffs.

No wonder Katherine always giggled when Rebecca said that.

Very quickly pushing the thought from his mind, Weatherby tried to think about what would Nathaniel do – in this situation, not in sexually pleasing his sister.

He shook his head. Eight years after her death, and Rebecca still found ways to torment him.

Weatherby glanced at the desk and eyes locked on it in an instant. He grinned at the hand as he reached but and grabbed the… instrument. Weatherby was not a sailor and had no clue what he was touching.

He brought it down and cried out in victory when he severed the hand from the arm. With a smirk not unlike his sister's, he righted the wig back on his head.

Weatherby Swann, fighter of pirates. He wished Elizabeth could see him now.

…But then the hand started to move again, and he barely got it stowed away in a desk before it killed him. Weatherby desperately held the desk drawer shut as the limb made the desk rattle violently.

Once again Weatherby stood there horrified and amazed at the situation before him.

When the children came back they had a lot of explaining to do.

"Absolutely not," Marty glared at the girls, his arms crossed.

When Elizabeth and Syrena freed Jack's crew to rally them to their cause, they hadn't planned for the crew to not exactly be on board with teaming up with a mermaid.

"Come on, Lads," Elizabeth insisted. "Philip vouches her, so I trust her."

"Swift's word means nothing to us," Anamaria glared at the duo. She didn't much like Swift, Turner even less, and Swann didn't even make it on the board. Anamaria wasn't about to be bossed around by some rich little girl playing fantasy when she was telling Anamaria that a black hearted killer of the sea was a friend.

"Roll the barrels along the way!" Cotton's parrot squawked.

"He's right," Gibbs said. "Mermaids can't be trusted."

"Come now, Mr. Gibbs," Elizabeth said. "You know Philip's word is good. You've known him for years!"

"I knew him a month as a child where I tripped over him far too many times and he didn't say a word to me other than God will judge me for imbuing too much," Gibbs said. "And then another month as an adult where he still didn't say a word to me other than God will judge me for imbuing too much… and questioning me on the specifics on a raft made of sea turtles."

Elizabeth opened her mouth to question the queer statement, but Syrena signalled her to not even start.

"Listen, I know I was an enemy before," Syrena said, "but we're pirates. Loyalties turn on the head of a pin. You think I'm going to stay loyal to a man who chained me to a wall for three years?"

"It doesn't matter where your loyalties lie," Anamaria shot. "You're a devilish sea creature who would sooner kill us than look at us."

"I am looking at you now, am I not?" Syrena scowled. "I do not understand. You are a fellow woman of the sea. Have you not met the same hardships we women suffer when they wish sail?"

Anamaria's eyes darkened, "You are not a woman, Creature."

"My name is Syrena, and must I remove this shirt to show you my body is that of a woman's?"

"Yes!" the men suddenly chorused.

"No!" Elizabeth snapped. She grabbed Syrena's shirt and yanked down when she saw the mermaid start to lift it, "Stop that!"

"Sorry, is it inappropriate in human standards?" Syrena naively asked.

"Only unless you're with your spouse or someone you dearly love. Look, we don't have time to argue," Elizabeth said. "The pirates guarding the ship will be here any second. So here's the deal: I'm offering you rescue. If you want to escape this cell, you have to work with Syrena. Anyone who finds that so hard to agree to is more than welcome to stay in the brig. Everyone else, let's go."

With a great deal of grunting and groaning, the pirates piled out of the brig until it was just Anamaria standing inside.

"Well?" Syrena smirked.

Anamaria sighed, stepped out of the brig, and slammed the door shut behind her.

"Alright, what's the plan?" Anamaria demanded. "It better be good."

"It is," Syrena chuckled. "I've got something special planned for Mallot and Grapple, because you were right. You should never trust a Mermaid."