When I said Ss'sik'chtokiwij do not perform the reproductive act for pleasure, I did not imply that pleasure is not experienced.

Honestly, it made my sense of guilt and shame ever more profound.

It had been a purposeful act. Never once did I idly think, "I'm going to just grab this human and have a little fun." Never once did I think I needed some sort of Ss'sik'chtokiwij throat condom, even if one existed. I was trying for a baby. At least, my body was. Still, that didn't make it right.

Why did God give me this method of reproduction, if I wasn't supposed to use it? I asked about this in prayer, but received no answer.

I contemplated the words of Romans 7:19-24 as I stared at my victim.

For the time being, Robert was very much alive, the various secretions slowing his heart rate so he didn't die from a heart attack, expanding his airways so he didn't suffocate. The calming effect of the chemicals allowed a man to breathe with minimal air, for days, with no ill effect. Well, except for the brain damage.

As much as I wished to remove the egg, it was sticky, naturally lodging itself into a permanent hatching place. I didn't know how to rid him of it.

I considered doing the Heimlich maneuver, but even if I knew how to perform it properly, the egg was helpless Ss'sik'chtokiwij child from my own body. To dislodge it from its birthing place would be an act akin to abortion.

Besides, I'd already made an attempt by rolling him on his chest, but nothing came out, like trying to undo pregnant.

Obviously, Robert would not be able or willing to drive the vehicle. It was therefore fortuitous that I had paid careful attention to the use and operation of such vehicles.

I frowned. It wouldn't do to drive around with my victim in the back seat. Showing Robert to my friends would teach Pain a bad lesson, and no one would ever trust me again.

Ever so gently, I carried the man out of the vehicle and spread him out on the floor, careful to keep him clear from the path of the tires.

I gazed at the man sadly, stroking his curly hair. The expression on his face made me think he didn't care about his fate. I told myself that, dying or not, he still felt happy not to be in prison, but it could have just been the chemicals and the THC making him look so sedate. Also, this exchange had been relatively painless and non-frightening (almost romantic), a rarity in the history of Ss'sik'chtokiwij. Perhaps I only told these things to myself to make myself feel better.

I thought I could still see betrayal in his eyes.

I briefly considered placing the victim next to the long dead Ss'sik'chtokiwij, bashing her skull in to frame her for the impregnation, but I was still a Christian, and I believed my every sin, my every secret had already been laid bare before the Lord. I had no desire to repeat the deceptions of Cain after the slaying of Abel. Plus, the children would know.

That being said, I did want to at least delay my victim's voice from crying from the ground.

A Ss'sik'chtokiwij cocoons her victims for a reason. If the hosts exert themselves too much, they will panic, and their heart will give out too soon. Also, keeping them in a vertical position ensures that their airways stay open. Honestly, though, not my concern. If my larva miscarried in this fashion, I would not be unhappy. After all, not my fault.

What did concern me: Robert staggering out of the garage, or driving out and telling everyone what I had done.

For this reason, I fashioned restraints for him using my growing cocooning glands, strong enough to prevent him from running around, but not enough to trap him there forever. If he worked at it, he could get free, get a drink, maybe food, go to the bathroom. The man valued his freedom, and I still respected that. On the whole: Slightly romantic.

I settled in the front seat of the rover Robert previously prepared, ruining the imitation leather as my spines poked through the cushions.

Remembering what I'd observed, I opened the garage and drove out with little difficulty. I even avoided hitting the posts. A few minutes later, I had the vehicle rolling up beside my friends.

I opened the window. "Hello."

Kumar frowned at the lingerie models painted on the doors. "Where were you all this time?"

I gestured for him to get in. "We were...performing a tune up."

Timmy climbed onboard. "It smells funny in here."

"Robert was smoking." A half truth, but I doubted the humans could differentiate between pot and Ss'sik'chtokiwij secretions. When Pain entered the vehicle, though, I suspected she could detect the mildewy sexual odor, which fairly screamed at me, but she said nothing about it.

We helped Kumar into the cabin. "Where's Robert?"

"I'm sorry. He got attacked." Another half truth. I didn't say who attacked him.

Kumar stared at me like he suspected something, but in between not being able to see my eyes and probably believing that all Ss'sik'chtokiwij were identical, he didn't accuse me of anything. "I knew the fool was going to dope up and get himself killed."

I should have felt relieved, but that actually made me feel worse.

Timmy and Rebecca gave me suspicious looks, perhaps understanding that I was the only live Ss'sik'chtokiwij within miles of the garage, though their presence there had not been outside the realm of possibility.

Timmy wrinkled his nose. "It smells like rotten grease. And mold."

I didn't dare reply to this, now matter how clever the response. Better to let him imagine what it was.

Mara had no accusations, though I supposed that even if she did know, she would only view it with the detachment of a human observing a lion attacking a wildebeest.

We drove in silence to the transmitter. The children were always quiet, Kumar didn't like me, and now I myself had become reticent by necessity, not even speaking to Pain.

Unfortunately, as we gained more distance from the base, however, my little aunt prompted me to break this silence. "You're awfully quiet, Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik. Is something the matter?"

I choked down a sob. "I am sad about Robert."

"Who killed him? Did you get their name?"

I cried a little more. "It is nobody that you know."

Pain fell silent for a moment. "Perhaps we should go back and kill her."

"That is what she deserves," I whimpered. "But we should leave that vengeance in the Lord's claws."

"You are very wise, cousin."

I shook my head. "If only that were true."

"What do you mean by that?"

I hesitated for an entire minute. "If I were truly wise, many humans would still be alive."

She nodded.

After another long silence, I said, "When our Lord was crucified, he said, `Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.' This Ss'sik'chtokiwij did not know what she did, or understand it."

"Like my birth."

This made me weep bitterly.

We arrived at the transmitter, carrying Mara down to take a look at it.

After connecting a few wires to her hand, her good eye fluttered. "Distress message has already been sent." She cited the coordinates.

The sky rumbled ominously.

"Should I continue repairing the equipment?" Mara asked.

"No," Kumar said. "As long as they got the signal, we're good."

I'm not, I thought in reply, but didn't say it. "What would be useful is if you could go into that power plant back there and make sure the machinery is still working."

The man glanced at me. "Carry her into the plant and make sure she can get into everything she needs to."

I nodded. "Very well. I will leave Pain here to watch you and the children."

"No. You take Pain along with you. I've got this."

"But you are one man."

Kumar rolled his eyes. "I realize that, but I'm smarter than you think."

This statement made me uneasy, but I didn't want to look suspicious by asking for an explanation. "All right. I trust you will keep the children safe, so I'll do what you say."

I carried the android to the power plant entrance.

"One of your relatives...did something she didn't understand?"

Since Mara could record everything I said, verbatim, I had to be guarded with my replies. "Yes."

"What did she do?"

[0000]

I swallowed. "She became overpowered by lust and laid an egg in Robert's body. It brought her no joy, only sadness."

She smiled, her expression obscured by the facial damage. "Were you two close?"

"Very."

"Why haven't I seen her?" Pain asked from my shoulder.

I sighed. "She hides in the darkness, like a shadow."

She acted like she knew whom I spoke about, perhaps assuming it to be Hissandra. "Oh."

How could I tell her, without giving her the idea that she can lay eggs in whomever she chooses?

Inside the processing plant, I found neither human nor android on the premises, the empty building flashing with numerous red lights. It appeared some assistance would be required, after all.

I carried the android to the various control stations so she could check the diagnostics and adjust levels, vent reactor steam and fix the wiring.

"Is your relative sorry for what she did?" she asked as she rapidly typed commands into a computer.

"Yes. She didn't want to, but her body got the better of her. It's so shameful. She's supposed to be a Christian, and she does that."

"I have been informed that one of the major tenets of Christianity is forgiveness."

"This is true. But how can one ever trust...someone like that again? How can one lead the faithful when she herself is flawed and unworthy of that role?"

"Is a leader required?"

"Yes. Someone needs to teach Ss'sik'chtokiwij not to kill humans."

Mara froze a moment. "Sources say that religious matters of this kind may find their resolution through meditation and verbal communication with one's Higher Power, activities sometimes classified as prayer."

I nodded. "Thank you."

Pain appeared to looking at me suspiciously, but I couldn't tell what she thought.

At this point, the android seemed to be managing well enough on her own, using carts and little ladders to get up on the machines without legs. I soon grew impatient. "Will you be fine on your own, Mara?"

She nodded. "While I appreciate the company, I understand your anxiety. Those humans are in desperate need of protection. My body is artificial, inedible to those creatures, but your friends are not so fortunate. I can manage well enough on my own. Protect the humans."

I returned outside, expecting to accompany my friends back to the Jorden home, but the vehicle was gone.

They had abandoned me.

Just as well. I deserved it.

I had an uneventful march back to base, the rumbling I'd heard earlier providing to be mostly lightning and mists from distant rain clouds.

Fearing Kumar knew everything and awaited an excuse to shoot me, I knocked on the door of the Jorden dwelling, waiting patiently to be let in the normal way.

I did get let in, but the air seemed tense, and no one wished to reveal their emotional cards. I couldn't tell if they knew and didn't want to say it, or if they didn't, and felt wary about something else entirely. As typical for individuals in this type of situation, I couldn't safely determine which one it was.

ACD 6:

Rebecca asked me to take her to church. Her parents went there occasionally.

A rather basic chapel on that base, like a country church. An altar with a cross and paraments, an electric piano, rows of recycled plastic pews, a baptismal font, and the Christian flag. Someone had stencil painted a cross and a Trinity symbol on the back wall. Hymns got shown on a wall monitor.

I knelt in silent prayer, begging my Lord for forgiveness. Kumar seemed to be doing the same.

We turned and looked at each other with unease.

Although I felt a sort of kinship with him in his faith, I believe, by his facial expression, he thought I mocked him. To be honest, my act of betrayal did make it a mockery, of sorts.

I decided his reaction wasn't important, focusing my attention heavenward.

Timmy wandered down the aisle. "I heard they were going to install an organ in here. An engineer was going to chisel pipes out of rock and hook some stuff to it."

Rebecca flipped an old hymnbook open and closed. "I wish we could have church. I don't care if it's boring, I just want to feel like I'm doing something normal for once. You know, living."

Kumar only sighed. "I shot twenty people in the head. I really don't think I should be leading anything."

She looked up at me. "You're religious. Do you want to do it?"

I whimpered. Ordinarily such a thing would give me great happiness. And the fact that she asked me! I would have leapt for joy.

But now...I was no more motivated to lead service than the Indian, but what could I say?

They apparently didn't know I impregnated Robert...I didn't want to estrange everyone by confessing the wrong.

Timmy, Kumar and even Pain looked at me expectantly.

Ashamed, and feeling like a fraud, I stepped behind the podium.

Remembering Taylor Ferguson's services, I activated the religious karaoke machine, playing recordings of J.S. Bach's Prepare Thyself Zion, When Morning Gilds the Skies and Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence.

Timmy and Kumar sang along, but Rebecca just stared at the screen with a serious expression.

I read bible passages from a computer aloud. I couldn't find the communion supplies, so I reluctantly skipped to the sermon, sharing what weighed most heavily on my heart:

"Before his conversion, the apostle Paul ordered Stephen to be stoned to death. Our Lord Jesus was a friend to sinners. He died on the cross to take their sins away."

Kumar seemed to be waiting for me to say something blasphemous, so he'd have an excuse to leave.

"His disciples weren't perfect, even after the crucifixion. Saint Paul said he was the chief of sinners." I cleared my throat. "I'm a sinner, too. I have murdered humans before. I am sorry for these things. I have repented of them, and strive every day to never again harm a human. But it is difficult, because I am not perfect. I have sinful thoughts, and these can lead to sinful actions, just like how hatred and lust can lead to greater sin."

Still not getting to the core of my grief, I cried, "I have a sister in the faith who has done a great evil to one of our friends, betraying them, violating their trust."

Rebecca suddenly looked guilty, lowering in her pew.

Not wanting to give a guilt trip to the wrong individual, I continued. "This sister attacked a friend, to satisfy the cravings of her own wicked...alien flesh." I slumped my shoulder plates in sorrow. "It is hard to believe our Lord would forgive someone like that, but Jesus died for the sins of all people. He even died for the people that crucified him, for he said, from the cross, `Father, forgive them.'

"So even if you shot twenty people in the head, tore a human being to pieces, or laid an egg in their throat, if you seek a better, holier life, if you're sorry for what you've done, and you want to do better, the Lord Jesus forgives you."

I opened my mouth to say more, but Pain scurried forward, coughing and sneezing with grief. "I'm sorry! The Lord must have inspired you to say this, Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik, for I have betrayed a friend! There was a kindly young man with a shaved head that used to bring Kumar's family supplies. I...attacked him."

Kumar rose to his feet with pistol in hand. "His name was Cedrick."

I stood between him and the larva. "This is the house of the Lord. And she is not bragging, she is confessing a sin she is sorry for. We are all sinners here, Kumar. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. I will not belabor the point by reminding you of your sins, but, suffice to say, you are a sinner in need of grace, so do not be so harsh on the brother or sister who owes you a debt. Remember today's scripture reading about the wicked servant."

Swearing under his breath, he put the gun away and sat down.

Rebecca got out of her seat, shyly approaching me. "I stole some toys and stuff from Mattie Benedict and Tony Shaw."

The names of dead children.

"I don't think they'll notice anymore."

This didn't satisfy her. "I still feel guilty."

I answered, "Very well. Again, you are forgiven. Perhaps we can lay them at your friends' graves." I suddenly had an idea. "Or, we could throw them into the volcano."

Kids like to see things burn in fire, so Rebecca agreed to the idea at once.

"I have other things that I wish to deposit there, as a memorial. I only wish I had a way into one of the laboratories."

She nodded. "For your mother."

It shocked me that she knew of this, but I had mentioned this problem in passing once or twice. "Yes. Unfortunately, the door is locked, and I don't want to put you in danger by leaving you alone while I go in..."

She showed me a card key. "Will this work?"

Kumar shot two Ss'sik'chtokiwij on the way out of church. I supposed it only fair, considering my own sin.

As I mentioned before, I didn't damage the biology lab door, so Rebecca's Sanitation Staff pass allowed us access into the room.

As I retrieved my mother's head, Kumar stared at the epitaph I'd carved. "S'Caizlixadac?"

I nodded. "We did not get along, but I still loved her."

He looked back and forth at the displays. "These look valuable. To scientists...You're lucky I don't care about science. I'll be happy just to leave here alive."

I gathered parts of the body on a cart, rolling it into the geothermal plant (which, incidentally, still had a broken door).

After a period of silent reflection, I and Rebecca commenced our ritual of memorial.

[0001]

Rebecca dropped a video game chip and an action figure of a...(crustacean body builder?) into the lava. "I'm sorry, Tony."

Content that she would at last receive the rest she deserved, I dropped S'Caizlixadac's remains into the lava. "Rest in peace. I'm sorry we fought."

I caught a glimpse of a flame withered Ss'sik'chtokiwij watching from the opposite side of the pit, bowing her head in respect. When I turned to look that way, she disappeared.

I thought about giving my sisters and other relatives the same cremation ritual, but it was just too much to handle with humans present.

We returned to the Jorden dwelling, mostly due to Kumar not wanting to crawl into the hideout with his bum leg. Of course we borrowed supplies from Food Storage.

Nothing much else to report, except for the fact that the extra computers allowed me more time to type up much of what you have read so far.

Much, but not all. I encrypted the parts about Robert for obvious reasons.

I must apologize for the typos, for spell checking software does not often understand context, such as usage of `it's' versus `its', or `red' versus `read.' I try to be careful, but English is not my first language.

Being a fair distance from any sun, the temperature dropped, and it began hailing. The children donned thicker clothing, but not quite at the long underwear stage yet. Rebecca still wore a jean jacket.

Kumar found a heater and plugged it in, because the base's heating/air conditioning system failed to do an adequate job.

Three Ss'sik'chtokiwij came close to our dwelling, but Kumar shot one, and I scared the other two off. Small creatures. Sad, not anything to brag about.

Kumar taught the children how to improve their shooting skills, which, unfortunately, had become a necessary skill. Someday they could be required to shoot me.

Having little do with his time, and nowhere safe to go, Kumar watched a few of Mr. Jorden's movies, The Shootist, True Grit...He soon lost interest and tried to teach Timmy and Rebecca about the bible, and cook Indian cuisine. Not sure how much they absorbed.

ACD 7:

Kumar felt very optimistic about the success of our distress message. Despite knowing we had a minimum of a month's wait, he made a ritual of checking the landing area at least once every day. I even helped him install a camera to observe the landing remotely.

Other than that, nobody but I went out all day, and that was only to retrieve supplies.

Kumar had to remind the children to bathe. I suppose they had this problem all along, but body odors do not offend me as much as it did humans, so I didn't see it as a problem in need of fixing.

ACD 8:

Kumar changed his mind about the transmitter. He asked me to chauffeur him down to the machine, in case there was a receipt message, or someone from earth needing questions answered before the trip could commence. I think he feared them saying no.

While the children waited in the vehicle, I checked the processing station for the android, but found nothing. I felt fairly certain that my relatives had already taken her head for use in a basketball game.

When I informed Kumar of this disappointing development, he resignedly asked me to drive him to the greenhouse for some fresh tomatoes, green onions and cucumbers.

We found the produce he requested, but the "Spirit Of Victoria's Secret" (the name was Kumar's idea) stalled, refusing to run again, due to some unidentifiable problem with the electrical system.

Kumar cursed the Ss'sik'chtokiwij who killed the only man who could possibly fix the machine...which I pretended not to be me.

In my private thoughts, though, I wondered if I deserved, as per his frivolous oat, God condemning me to hell.

Since the "Spirit of Victoria's" was a lost cause, we got Celarent to let us in the base for our trek back to the Jorden dwelling. We asked her to also help fix the car, but she had too many other duties, too many other important objects to repair.

Difficult to sleep with so much guilt weighing me down. So alone! Who can I really trust, and who will ever trust me?

ACD 9:

A lot goes into rice curry. Kumar sent me to hunt down the ingredients in both Food Storage and his partly demolished dwelling.

It smelled interesting, delicious even, but when I tried a few bites, I threw up. My stomach, I guess, couldn't handle curry.

We weren't alone. As I lie awake, silently praying for forgiveness, trying to sleep, I kept hearing scuttling noises within the air vents.

When I checked, I could only find my own scents.

ACD 10:

"Good Lord, that's terrible," Kumar groaned as he watched a movie featuring John Wayne as Genghis Khan.

To kill time, the Indian had been randomly picking movies out of Mr. Jorden's film library. So far he'd tolerated The Sands of Iwo Jima, and a few episodes of Paladin, Death Valley Days and The Rifleman.

After only a few minutes of The Conqueror, Kumar became more fascinated by developing a tool with which to scratch his leg through the cast, and trying to peek in to see if it had healed yet.

"How long before you can take that off?"

"Not sure. The doctor said anywhere between a few months to a year. I was supposed to get it scanned some time, but I don't think I'm even supposed to be doing that yet."

"I guess it might not be a good idea to remove it, then."

He sighed.

No sign of any rescue ships.

Timmy put on some music, teaching me some simple dances called `The Naynay', `The Drop' and `The Quan.' I'm not sure if I've named these correctly, but one involved me flinging my claws limp wristed while tapping one foot, while another one involved me pantomiming throwing something into the air and catching it. I do not understand this behavior, but the spectacle appeared to amuse my companions twice as much as a movie. Even Kumar applauded.

Night fell. I hadn't noticed it before, but it is a natural cycle of all Ss'sik'chtokiwij on the base to go into heat during the evening hours. This may have been why we had so little difficulty traveling the corridors during the day.

The one that looks at me from the mirror each day, of course, proves the most dangerous threat of all. How slow I have been to understand this!

As I lay curled on the floor in front of the children's bed, I felt a small chitinous body nuzzling up against me in the dark.

Wondering why she had moved from her sleeping position, I muttered, "Pain?"

"Yes, cousin?"

To my dismay, the voice came from behind me. "Pain, if you're back there, who is this larva pressing her shell against me?"

Pain did not answer.

"Who are you?" I demanded of the stranger.

"I do not know. But you are my mother."

"No!" I shrieked. "I am not!"

I shoved the larva away from me. "Begone from my sight!"

The stranger began crying.

"Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik!" Pain hissed. "Who is this?"

"I do not know."

"Why does she call you mother?"

"She is confused. Her real mother must have abandoned her, and now she seeks other Ss'sik'chtokiwij to fill the emptiness in her life." Silently, I thought, `Please, seek other Ss'sik'chtokiwij to fill the emptiness in your life!'

"Then why send this one away? Did not Jesus say to let the children come to him? And you receive a great reward in heaven for giving one a cup of water?"

"She is a larva. Not a child."

"You never made such a distinction before."

I sighed.

"Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik, to adopt this Ss'sik'chtokiwij will expand the gathering of faithful in our midst! It will preserve human lives!"

"No. She will destroy everything we stand for." I waved a claw at the vent she presumably entered. "Leave. Now."

"No. Not without a name."

"What?"

"I must have a name. I am no one! Please, mother. Give me a name!"

"Do you promise to leave once I name you?"

She cried more. "Yes, mother."

I swallowed hard. "I name you Sluuplalgigya. It means `shame and regret'.

My daughter wept as she crawled away into the darkness.

Pain frowned at me when the larva had departed. "She seems really unhappy to be sent away."

"I know," I sobbed.

"It's almost as if she actually believes she's your daughter. But of course I know that you would never hurt a human, especially not for something so selfish as laying eggs..."

The most painful wounds of all are those caused by friends. I felt like I'd been slapped. "Yes. You know as well as I that I have no daughters."

I heard Sluuplalgigya sobbing inside the ventilation duct, and my heart broke.

`For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.'