Happy Friday Friend! Hope summer has treated you well. Really enjoying the direction this story is taking. As always appreciate you being on the journey with me. Drop me a note below and let me know your thoughts – Ash.
"There's no update, Sully. I'm sorry," Vic said gently through the phone. She cringed internally as she spoke the words.
Vic knew it wasn't the news he was hoping for. Ben had been waiting for them when they'd arrived at Grey Sloan. He'd told them everything he knew, which wasn't much. Andy and the baby had both been stable when she was rushed to surgery. There was a lot of blood loss, shrapnel and it was hard to know the full extent of her injuries until they got in there.
So there the S19 family sat.
Terrified. Worried. Huddled together under gross fluorescent lights, stale coffee in hand, pacing back and forth. For a room filled with people used to running into the fire, this was torture. There wasn't anything they could do. Not to mention the elephant staring all of them in the face… It was unclear at this point if Sully and Andy were together or what had occurred between them, but obviously something was there.
It was all just too much to handle.
"No update is better than a bad one, I guess." Robert replied dryly as he stared straight ahead at the open road.
The truth was, as much as he hated it, he knew how this went. There'd be news when there was news. For now, he couldn't do anything. It drove him crazy to feel helpless, but what choice did he have?
"That's the spirit," Vic tried to crack a joke. Not in striking distance of her best, but the only thing she could come up with at the moment.
Robert chuckled, "Thanks for being there, Hughes." He sighed. "I really appreciate it."
"We're all here and couldn't imagine being anywhere else," Vic offered solemnly as she looked into the waiting room where all their people were gathered.
Once they'd hung up the phone, Robert's mind went back down memory lane as he continued hauling ass across I-90 West towards Seattle.
FLASHBACK...
As Robert walked further into Andy's cozy apartment, smells of warm vanilla, tobacco and apricot flirted with his senses. The familiar scent had been one of their many compromises. Not too masculine for Andy, not to feminine for him, a nice blend of both.
Seeing the large, 5 wick candle burning on the coffee table, surrounded by other decorative knick knacks he felt instantly transported back to married life during Lock Down. Long bubble baths, date nights under twinkle lights in the small yard out back and evenings spent cuddled on the couch watching movies.
At the end of their marriage it had been easy to forget that they'd been happy. Together, as first responders, they'd made it through the worst of the Pandemic. She'd grieved her dad, he grieved his career, they both wrestled with the racial awakening in America.
Somehow, despite the chaos all around them, they'd found sanctuary in each other. Now, looking back, it seemed ridiculous that something so small relative to all their other challenges had been the thing that broke them.
It made the saying, "the straw that broke the camel's back," seem so true.
"Filtered or Topo Chico?" Andy asked from the kitchen as she ducked her head into the stainless steel fridge.
"Either is good," Robert responded as he sat down, taking notice of the glass tumbler partially filled with amber colored liquid, on the end table. It rested unassumingly next to the small lamp and picture.
Desire he hadn't felt in a long time fluttered through him. "What I wouldn't give to take the edge off," he thought to himself.
Andy handing him a glass of the carbonated mineral water pulled his focus back to the present moment. He smiled and murmured a quick thanks as she took her seat next to him and tucked one foot under her leg.
"This okay today?" She asked thoughtfully, reaching forward to pick up her whiskey.
While married, there had been many times Andy enjoyed wine or other drinks while Robert didn't, so she knew it was usually okay. But with the Beckett situation, the Ross stuff and just everything at work, his stress level was bound to be higher than usual.
Navigating sobriety could be more tricky for him right now.
"Yeah," Robert grimaced, dragging the words a bit. "It's fine."
Silence hovered between them for a beat when he added. "I don't miss it much." He saw the expression on Andy's mask covered face and knew she was listening intently. "It's not like I was ever a big drinker. Now I just find ways to think about it where it doesn't feel like such a big deal."
"What do you mean," she inquired gently.
"Like calling it an allergy. Something that I'd have a really bad reaction to, maybe even death, if I consumed it. So I don't." Robert's reply was matter of fact.
Andy smiled, her head tilting slightly. She was proud of him. "Smart."
Robert shrugged lightly in response. He knew that look. It shouldn't matter that she was proud of him or impressed with his way of thinking, but he'd be lying if he said it didn't feel good.
"But..." Reading what was between the lines, Andy added and waited to see if he'd fill in the gap she knew was there.
Robert's lips curved up into a smirk. Of course she'd hear what he hadn't said. "But... occasionally, there are days like today when all you wanna do is…" his voice trailed.
"…take the edge off," Andy finished for him and he nodded. "So meetings and more time in the gym instead."
"Something like that." He sighed long and deep. "Not exactly the same."
"So lemme guess, today you boxed, lifted weights and probably…" she gave him a hard stare for a moment as if really thinking about it. "Got in a run too."
"Just a quick 5 miles," Robert replied with a sheepish grin.
"Said no normal person ever," Andy teased. She ran for department regulated PT, to keep her endurance up, to stay in shape… not because she actually liked it.
They shared an easy laugh and Andy took another sip of her drink. Just as she was swallowing Robert blurted out the words that flipped their easy dynamic on its head and sent her spiraling.
"I'm moving." The words fell from his lips like water bursting through a dam.
It was the first time he'd said it out loud and it felt like both exhilarating and nerve wracking at the same time.
He was really doing it.
"What?!" Andy choked on the liquid traveling down her throat and a coughing fit ensued.
Making a quick dash to the kitchen, Robert grabbed a glass from the open shelves, filled it with water and returned.
Taking several large sips, she eventually croaked out, "Thank you."
He sat back down and braced for the inquisition he knew was coming.
"You can't be serious." Andy said, doing little to mask the range of emotions cracking her wide open.
The statement was a little flip, but looking at Robert's face she could tell he was serious.
" Where? How soon? Why?" She forged ahead with her interrogation.
Within the frantic, rapid fire questions, there was no hiding her feelings about what he'd just unloaded.
Andy wasn't just perplexed- she didn't want him to go.
"Spokane, probably. A Battalion Chief role opened up there," Robert replied easily.
"There are no Black people in Spokane, Robert. No people of color. It's tiny. You'll hate it," Andy replied bluntly.
Robert laughed openly at her response. She wasn't wrong. Eastern Washington definitely wasn't known for its diversity, but he'd dealt with it all before and been fine.
"You're forgetting I spent years in Montana," he reminded her. "And if it means finally getting to do the job I wanna do, the job I'm qualified to do, I'll manage."
"You didn't say when." Brows furrowed, Andy did her best to push down the low grade panic she felt fluttering through her belly.
"Still in the process, but soon. Dearborn made it pretty clear I'm the front runner," he replied easily.
The whole thing had unfolded effortlessly. Like it was an opportunity he was always meant to have.
He'd called Dearborn directly when he saw the job posting and they had a candid conversation. She agreed he'd spent more than enough time in career purgatory and Spokane would be lucky to have someone with his experience take over the role.
While he'd have to go through the standard hiring process it was fairly clear what the outcome would be. More importantly for him, he'd decided that if Spokane didn't work out, he'd keep looking until he found a spot.
Single. No real ties. There wasn't anything anchoring him to Seattle except his past.
Robert had moved back to face the loss of Claire and he'd done that. He'd also fallen in love with Andy, gotten married and divorced...now a second failed relationship later, it just felt like a good time for a fresh start.
"Not surprising." Andy shook her head and sagged against the couch to process the news.
He'd earned the role.
Twice actually. He'd done exactly what he said he would. Clawed his way back from Probie. Rebuilt his career. A lesser man would have quit, been too weak and ashamed… but not him. He'd worked his ass off to follow through on his commitment to himself.
His work ethic had always been a part of the attraction. It was like looking in the mirror - sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. They matched each other that way. Just like her, if he said he was gonna reach a goal, make something happen, he did.
And there it was again…
That odd sensation of pride she felt tingling her senses. She wasn't totally sure when it happened, maybe after months of working side by side at 19 as Lieutenants, but to herself only she could admit that she was seeing him again.
The traits within him that she loved most, the things she'd become immune to in the haze of anger at being passed over for Captain and the grief over her father… they were coming out of the shadows now.
Pulling them both from contemplative silence, Andy's cell phone alarm beeped loudly. It was time for the next step in her skincare routine.
Wordlessly, she got up and headed towards the bathroom with Robert following her the short distance. She rinsed and patted her face dry with him observing quietly. Both struck by the normalcy and comfort of it all.
"Do you really wanna live in a small town again?" Andy wracked her brain for more things that could go wrong as she grabbed a short round bottle from the counter. "What if you hate it? What if the people are awful? What if there are no good places to get a smoothie?"
Robert chuckled at his ex-wife's annoyance as he watched her massage another creamy solution onto her skin. If he remembered correctly, this was a deep moisturizing mask. It had confused him initially because it was pale pink going on and clear after it dried.
Catching Andy's gaze in the mirror, he answered plainly, "If I can survive being a Probie to a Captain I promoted and a team I used to lead… Something tells me I'll figure it out."
Rolling her eyes, Andy replaced the cap on her bottle and crossed her arms over her chest in a bit of a pout. She was noodling what all this meant and doing a terrible job showing any signs of support for a career move that was significant for him.
Robert knew she wouldn't want to hear this, but it had to be said. "And if for some reason it doesn't work out... I'll keep looking. Even if that means leaving Washington."
"Why are you suddenly so adamant about moving?" Andy asked, knowing the question was kind of silly, but reeling inside.
Waiting for Robert's response, she leaned up against her vanity and took in the sight of him standing just outside the doorway.
His gray t-shirt was perfectly molded against broad shoulders and a muscular chest. The short sleeves gathered snuggly around his biceps, a hint of his tattoo peaked out and fleeting appreciation passed through her. He'd always been built, but she'd swear his arms had grown more defined lately.
"Yes…" she thought to herself, clearly the stress workouts were doing their job and "Yes…" her body was currently sending off sparks of heat and doing a lousy job remembering they were just friends.
"Just friends," she chanted mentally and reminded herself of the small fact that, as far as she knew, he was in a relationship.
"Why not?" Robert countered with an emotionless shrug.
He could tell by the look on Andy's face that she wasn't just thinking about him moving. That subtle glint in her eyes said she had been checking him out and didn't want him to know it. Just the thought caused his belly to contract slightly in desire.
At this point, they'd been divorced longer than they'd been married. He'd moved on and she'd been dating. Over the past year, the volume on what used to be explosive chemistry had dulled. On the other side of it all they'd found a comfortable friendship.
Okay, maybe a little more than friendship?
They could still read each other and open up to each other in ways that just didn't happen with anyone else. They still worried about each other on calls, checked in, and occasionally teased each other as if they were still sharing a bed at night. That said…however things had been, it was obvious something was changing or had already changed.
It felt like a breaker had been reset and the lights were slowly flickering back on.
"Friends," he thought to himself as held Andy's gaze. "Just friends."
"Ugh...She grumbled. " We need snacks."
Clicking the light off she headed out of the bathroom, her body brushing lightly against Robert's towering frame. Chills she willed herself to ignore skated through her as she zero'd in on the refrigerator.
"Snacks?" Robert questioned, tailing Andy into the kitchen. The soft scent of her bubble bath wafting in the air behind her.
"A conversation like this needs carbs and sugar. And you..." She motioned in his direction. "...with all the working out, probably need the extra calories."
Brooding a little now, Andy pulled things out of her fridge and kitchen cabinets.
"I can't keep waiting for the SFD to let me out of career purgatory. I've paid my dues." Robert said with a neutral tone as he went about opening the package of bread and placing 4 slices on the wooden cutting board.
This move to Spokane wasn't some ridiculous power grab. It wasn't an attempt to prove anything to anyone or some manipulative gesture to get back at Ross. It was him deciding it was time to do something to move his life and career forward.
Andy nodded. "I know." She shook her head slightly and dropped various ingredients onto the marble countertop, "You have."
Side by side, putting sandwiches together, Robert reached around Andy for the container filled with thinly sliced turkey. Like it was the most natural thing in the world, she leaned into him and though the moment was brief, the feel of ridges and muscles warmed her from the inside out.
Nothing about this moment was inherently sexy, but again her body didn't seem to be getting the message. He was so damn imposing. Sucking up all the oxygen in a space and being impossible to ignore.
She needed to get laid, she decided inwardly. Really needed to get laid.
That was the only reason she was reacting this way to him now. Shaking her head Andy did the only thing she could think of to throw a wet blanket on the fireball building between them.
With an eye roll she asked, "And what does you moving to the other side of the state mean for your relationship?"
Yes. It was good for them both to remember there was a beautiful, successful woman he was committed to. His comfort and interaction both today and in the days previously let her know the sparks of chemistry weren't just on her end.
He felt it too.
And while he and Ross may have been on the rocks, he was loyal to a fault and wouldn't cross any lines.
"What relationship?" Robert joked wryly.
His lips flattened as he thought about the conversation he and Tash had earlier that morning. It really was just putting the final nail in a coffin that had long been built. They'd had so many fights the past two months, so many moments where it was abundantly clear, they weren't working. And each time he would call it or get close, she would say he was giving up or quitting.
She knew him well enough to know the label of "quitter" would stop him in his tracks.
Andy couldn't help the loud laugh that tumbled from her as she absorbed Robert's response. Her head drew backwards and eyes shut tightly. She was nowhere near drunk and yet, the whiskey had loosened her up nicely. Maybe she could also blame alcohol for the feelings of smolder crackling just under the surface?
"I'm serious," She replied, getting her wits about her.
"Me too," Robert said with a straight face.
They sat on two bar stools, much like they had just a couple days prior and dug into turkey sandwiches and chips. Chocolate chip cookies and comfortable silence resting between them.
"So…" Andy said between bites.
He hadn't said they'd broken up exactly yet, but that's what he was insinuating.
"As someone who both cares about your happiness and has a history of 100 yard dashes out of relationships as soon as they hit a rough patch..." Robert chuckled at her admission.
"I can't help but ask," her tone blended softness and curiosity. "Are you running?"
He smirked before he replied. "I thought Tough Love Andy was off duty tonight?" Taking another bite of his sandwich, Robert saw the corners of her mouth tilt upward and waited for a reply.
"She is..." Andy nudged his side. "But a friend can still be concerned about a friend."
Robert found her eyes and saw the warmth and sincerity there. "We…" he decided to rephrase more honestly. "I haven't been happy for a long time."
"Secrets and lies have a special way of taking a toll," Andy, took a drink of water and thought back to the early days of their own relationship. The sneaking around had definitely brought heat and electricity at first, but it had also made it complicated.
"They do," Robert agreed.
It was one of the reasons he felt disappointed in himself for letting "privacy" grow into months of lies. Nothing could be done to fix it, but it was just one more reason that pointed to them being doomed from the beginning. Not to mention the fact that he was undeniably still in love with Andy when he and Tash had started spending time together.
It had been a nice distraction.
Nice to be with someone who saw him the way he wanted to be seen. Someone who knew he wasn't just a firefighter. And they also had unfinished business. When he'd wrapped up his final tour and left the marines, that put an end to his and Tash's relationship before it could really get off the ground. It seemed easy, natural almost to explore whether or not they could work as a couple in the real world.
"But it's out in the open now." Tapping his arm lightly Andy continued. "Maybe once the vultures that are the Seattle media find a new victim and things with the mayor get sorted…you can make it work."
"She said the same thing," Robert yielded.
"Well..." Andy shrugged a little and finished her bite. "Two highly intelligent women drawing the same conclusion? Maybe we're right?"
As much as it seemed like the supportive thing to mention, she hated saying it.
Andy's relationship with Chief Ross was complicated. She liked her initially, then was unsure about her intentions following her suspension during the investigation, found herself respecting her after seeing her on multiple calls in the field and even jumped to her defense after the pictures had been released... Ugh.
She wanted to be all female solidarity, but when Ross said she wanted to tell Robert about the pictures... Andy's protective instincts went into overdrive. She had a feeling it wouldn't turn out well for him and had been right.
Robert laughed a little, picked up his glass of water and washed down the remnants of his meal. He admired her ability to appear neutral.
"You remember that helicopter call we had a while back?" he asked.
"Yeah. The guy was basically... he was gone. You knew it, I knew it..." Andy sighed deeply as flashes of the scene popped into her mind.
"But you didn't wanna give up, even though you knew he was dying. That's kind of how it's felt for a while now," Robert's voice trailed off.
He felt relieved admitting that and also noticed again just how comfortable it felt opening up. Taking another drink of water, he got up from the bar stool, rinsed his plate and loaded it into the dishwasher.
Andy finished the chips that were on her plate and let her eyes linger a second longer than was appropriate on Robert's ass. She couldn't even fault herself for it. Any woman in her shoes, with that view, would have noticed the way he filled out those jeans as he leaned into the dishwasher.
"When I said I was done, she asked me to take some time and reconsider…" he added, standing and leaning against the counter facing Andy.
Robert's voice pulled her from the reverie she'd slipped into.
She could read between the lines. Knew what he wasn't saying, but something in her needed his confirmation. "But you don't need it?" Andy posed.
"No. I'm sure," Robert held her gaze as he spoke. There wouldn't be any mix up about this.
"Awful, terrible, shitty person," Andy mentally berated herself trying to conjure up feelings of concern for Ross who was no doubt heartbroken.
Why did it make her feel like hitting the jackpot in Vegas to hear this?
She knew Ross was in love with him. And the part of her who wanted to be a respectable human, the one with no claim to her ex-husband, wished she could find a granule of sympathy for the woman going through a break up, but she couldn't find it.
Robert watched as Andy chewed at her bottom lip, her mental gears working hard. She was wrestling with whether or not to say something.
"Is that how it felt with us?" she finally looked up and asked. "Like slow, inevitable death?"
Robert's small smile was somber. "No." Shaking his head, he answered easily. "Not at all."
Andy reached for a chocolate chip cookie, took a bite and waited, sure he'd say more.
"Felt like a car crash. Something I never expected," his shoulders just barely raised. "I always thought we'd figure it out."
That was the only thing that had kept him waiting all those months. Something in him was sure they'd be able to find their way back to each other. That somehow, they could sort through the wreckage and rebuild.
Andy nodded sadly. "Yeah."
It was funny because for someone who'd been so sure she might never want to be married, when her and Robert exchanged vows, Andy had genuinely believed they'd last. The feelings were so strong, the way they relied on one another so deep, it was all so meaningful.
While she knew, the divorce had largely been her choice and with time and reflection could see how her unresolved trauma had been a big factor, it was still mind boggling that the ending had played out as it had.
As they both hovered over unspoken thoughts, Robert's attention was drawn to the smoothness of Andy's skin where the oversized sweater had fallen off to the side. The thin spaghetti strap of her tank was a subtle reminder that nothing was underneath it. Flickers of energy, he wasn't comfortable naming, skated through him as the lines blurred even more between them.
In pajamas and a face mask, he was still amazed by Andy's effortless beauty. She was all badass at work. Sexy and fierce, but when she let down her hair and took off her armor… she was softness and curves. Mentally damning himself for the observation, Robert cleared his throat.
They needed to get into safer territory. Fast.
Caving, Robert reached forward and grabbed a chocolate chip cookie. "You do realize these are terrible for you." He took a bite anyway.
Andy laughed a little, fairly certain she knew what he was doing. "But so good."
"I wish I could disagree with you." Robert shook his head, chuckled and took another bite. "But I've been craving sugar like crazy lately."
"A little treat never hurt anyone," Andy grinned and watched the normally disciplined, health conscious man indulge in another cookie.
"It's your fault," he replied with a blend of humor and lightness in his tone.
Eyes wide, Andy's head reared back just slightly in confusion. "My fault? How?"
Robert motioned with his hands a little. "There was that morning a few weeks back. You pressured me into the donut." He watched Andy's eyes grow wide in some mix of surprise and confusion. "You know exactly what I'm talking about?"
"Please!" Andy squealed in disbelief. "I made you?" She rolled her eyes in a playful manner.
"Yes. Peer pressured me into it." Robert's tone was serious but his eyes were all fun. "Eat the pink one..." He did a terrible impersonation of her voice. "Then gave me that judgy look of just do it."
"Jesus, Robert," Andy countered easily. "You're acting like I force fed you twelve Twinkies and put you in a diabetic coma."
Robert laughed loudly in response. "I'm just saying, I wasn't craving random, sugary carbs before that, so…" his shoulders reached up towards his ears as the two joked.
"Well, then you're welcome," Andy offered a satisfied smile.
Robert took the plate from her hand and loaded it into the dishwasher. "So you did me some sort of favor?" The question was light.
"Obviously, you need me in your life to make sure you're occasionally indulging in something delicious." Andy's comment was innocent, yet somehow the air continued to charge.
The field around them was vibrating. Magnetizing them together. Blurring the lines and dimming the light on their boundaries.
"C'mon," Andy muttered, breaking the tension. "If you're gonna interrupt Maintenance Day, you have to watch trashy TV with me."
Robert laughed and shook his head feigning annoyance, "Guess it's the least I could do."
Before joining Andy on the couch, he made a pit stop in the bathroom.
As he washed his hands, he stared at himself in the mirror for a moment and gave himself a mental talking to. It included words like, "off limits, don't do it, stop it, resist, she's the past, move forward, don't get distracted. Just friends."
The problem was, as he exited the bathroom, his self control and internal resolve didn't feel any stronger than before he'd gone in. Settled back on the couch, Andy with a refilled tumbler of whiskey, Robert with more Topo Chico and the package of chocolate chip cookies between them they dove into his least favorite kind of television.
Sneaking a glance at Robert's side profile from her end of the couch Andy wondered if his mind and emotions were doing tumbles equivalent to a gymnastics team, like hers. For the better part of 18 months, their roles had been defined. But just like ocean waves kissed the shore and left leveled sand in its wake, their path back to one another seemed to be smoothing out.
Lost in thought, Robert stared ahead at the show on TV. A quick look would make it seem as though he were paying attention to what was happening onscreen.
He wasn't.
Stationary, he'd been replaying their earlier dialogue over and over in his mind and wondered if his explanation sounded immature. This question pricked at him until he couldn't resist saying something.
Grabbing the remote from the sofa next to Andy, Robert hit pause on the DVR and looked in her direction. "I'm not naive, you know."
She turned towards him, brows scrunched in confusion. "You of all people, I'd never think of as naive."
"I just..." Robert paused for a moment and thought about how to communicate, what he wanted to say. "I'm not some idealistic kid, who thinks relationships should be fairytales and frolicking through tulips."
Andy laughed loudly without inhibition, again.
This was becoming a thing. Her head tilted back, body contracting and releasing. They had laughed so much together already tonight. A tinge of sadness and regret peaked its head out from the shadows.
She'd forgotten how much she enjoyed them just being…them.
It felt good.
"You're laughing at me?" Robert asked with a sly grin.
It was partially rhetorical, but he knew Andy would answer. He tried to focus on the light in her eyes, the tinge of pink on her cheeks still covered in a clear filmy mask and not the way her arched back pushed her breasts forward or the shadows just below her neckline.
Wide smile, happy eyes, she answered. "Just the thought of grouchy, 6'4, muscle-ly you frolicking anywhere is pretty hilarious."
He did his best to appear offended, but the humor in his voice couldn't be overlooked. "I'm not grouchy."
"Whatever you say," Andy said as she tried to swallow down her laughter.
"Stop it," Robert said, his eyes pinned on her. There was a hint of flirtation in his tone.
"Make me," Andy challenged with matching energy. "Apparently, we're both saying F it to the rules right now," she thought to herself.
She knew how this had played out in the past.
He'd pin her against the couch, tickle endlessly until they were both laughing so hard it was hard to breathe. Then eventually dissolve into a ridiculous mess of kisses and eye gazes. Loving the feel of his weight, the hardness of his ridges, she'd arch upward. A hand would slide under his t-shirt, feel the heat of his skin and pull him closer. One of his hands would slide between their bodies and find her...
It had happened more times than she could count, but not tonight. "Just friends."
He was tempted. "Damn," that didn't even seem accurate enough.
Whatever was more than tempted, that's what he was feeling now. In another world, at another time he'd reach over and tickle her. She'd shriek, giggle and laugh. He'd laugh too.
There would be kissing. First in between chuckles, then slow, deep and lingering. As he rested atop her, one leg would hook around his hip, pulling him closer and petite, nimble fingers would slide under the hem of his t-shirt and scratch with the perfect amount of...
But not this time.
When Robert found Andy's eyes though, the heat present in them said she was thinking the same thing he was. Pulling back, he cleared his throat and took a drink of water. This song and dance they were doing was putting them back in dangerous territory.
"Relationships take work," He blurted out uncomfortably, not bothering to circle back or add additional context. "Figuring out how to support each other and make sure both people get what they need requires effort, but it should feel…"
"Worth it," Andy finished for him.
With a quick glance in her direction, Robert nodded. "Like there's a real pay off for the compromises it takes to blend two lives together."
Pausing for a moment because she wanted to reply thoughtfully, Andy eventually said, "I don't think that's idealistic at all. I think it's real."
Man she'd grown and clearly he had too.
Their conversation was showing that the two people who'd exited their marriage so long ago, weren't the same ones sitting on this couch tonight. Sure, the easy way they'd first connected was there, the humor and laughter, the heat... but some of the rough edges, friction, places where neither of them could see each other's perspective...Those had smoothed out.
Longing for what could've been, surged within them both. If somehow they'd only managed to find this place of understanding and maturity before dissolving their short union maybe it could have survived?
Maybe if their foundation hadn't been so riddled with cracks, the weight of outside circumstances wouldn't have broken what was just starting to find its footing? Maybe if their timing had been better, or they met at other seasons of life, it all could have been different?
Maybe…
Extending a long arm, Robert let his fingers lightly brush the top of Andy's hand before slowly pulling back.
"I missed this," he admitted.
Naked honesty because... why not?
The caress was light and brief, but dammit if it didn't pour lighter fluid on the spark threatening to ignite between them.
"Me too," Andy replied softly, her eyes reflecting what Robert felt.
After so much distance, just in time for him to be moving on, it seemed they were traveling the same road again. There was one word that came to mind when she thought about it, bittersweet. She was falling in love with him for the second time or maybe she'd never actually stopped?
Either way, he was leaving.
"Enough about my tortured love life." Robert reached forward and grabbed another chocolate chip cookie.
"What about you? Any more massage therapists in the picture?" His question held a tinge of hesitation.
"No..." Andy laughed dryly and took another sip of her drink. "I was trying to get out of my comfort zone, see what else was out there and it just..." she let her voice die down not knowing how to describe what she was feeling.
"What'd you find?" Robert's curiosity was genuine.
He hadn't had to "date" in years and the prospect kind of freaked him out. The divorce had barely been finalized when he and Tash reconnected. If he were being honest, the ease and familiarity was a big part of the draw. And after a battlefield romance, the chance to see what could have been in the real world was appealing.
Turns out, sandbox stories and hotel sex weren't the makings of a strong relationship.
"That it's shockingly difficult to connect deeply with someone." Andy stared ahead at the dark TV screen, reality TV and the DVR long forgotten. "I guess, I always knew that though."
Her shoulders lifted lightly and her thoughts flashed back in time. In the safety of the Station 19 Captain's Office, they'd admitted to not opening up to many people, but for some inexplicable reason... it had been easy to do with one another. "Maybe I just didn't want it to be true."
"Were you looking for something serious?" Robert probed a little further.
Andy thought for a moment. "I don't know." He saw the crinkle in her forehead as she pondered her reply and waited for her to continue.
"Definitely started as fun. Just dipping my toe in the water after everything," she said cautiously, knowing Robert would understand what she meant. "I mean, I said yes to a pity date so maybe that gives you a clue."
She chuckled as she thought about how she'd forced herself to even entertain Eli. It was a perfect example of how you could have chemistry with lots of people, but be completely incompatible in all the ways that matter. He was cute and nerdy if that was your vibe, but could never have been the one.
"A pity date?" Robert questioned with a scrunched face.
Andy cringed a little. "With Eli..." A hand covered her eyes gingerly in embarrassment.
"Montgomery's campaign manager?" It was Robert's turn for a belly laugh.
"I'm glad you're enjoying this," Andy grinned, happy to see the smile on Robert's face even if it was at her expense. "As it turns out, he was more interested in Travis than me. So..."
Shaking his head, it didn't take Robert long to reply. "His loss," He said plainly.
They exchanged a knowing look.
"Luckily it wasn't a real blow to my ego. I was on the hunt for novelty and it just proved..." Andy almost said, it proved she had a type but resisted and when Robert began speaking she let him.
"Fun is good," he replied simply. He paused a long time before adding. "But when it's time for something serious, the Eli's of the world won't do. Whoever he is... has to be better than me."
"What?" There was no attempt to mask the emotion running across Andy's face and Robert didn't seem to care how his statement was interpreted.
Dead serious, he replied back. "I speak 6 languages, day trade for a hobby, have 3 medals of valor for saving lives and a great sense of humor… not to mention I can bench press over 300 pounds. And..." He let his voice trail off.
The unfinished sentence spoke louder than any words could. No need to remind either of them of how satisfying their sex life had been.
"So date. Have a good time. Whatever…" His tone was casual, nonchalant even. "But when it's serious, he has to be worthy of you. You deserve the best."
The quick gasp of air following his statement was uncontrollable. Shock, amazement, confusion, desire... it was all swirling around on the inside of her like a hurricane about to reach land and overtake them both.
"What am I supposed to say to that?" Andy asked.
"That you won't settle," Robert replied softly.
Heart fluttering at his words, Andy nodded and held Robert's gaze for a moment before doing the only thing she knew to do. Reaching between them, she grabbed the TV remote and restarted the DVR.
"HO-LY shit, holy shit, holy shit," her insides were yelling at her.
What the hell was she supposed to make of that? She reached forward and grabbed her drink, taking another swig. Seeing the glass two thirds of the way empty she considered a refill but wondered if that was a good idea all things considered.
Right now she had a warm, relaxed glow... another glass would send careening off the cliff of self control she was barely hanging onto.
He hadn't meant to say that.
Well he had... he hadn't intended for it to come out so direct and possessive. He'd shown his cards. He'd moved on... but he still had very big opinions about who Andy settled down with. Ideas he wasn't really entitled to.
His large hands swiped back and forth over his jeans uncomfortably. "Ugh..." Robert thought as he glanced at his watch and wondered if it would be too obvious to head out now.
He wasn't sure what he'd expected to happen when he dropped by after the meeting. He'd just known he didn't want to go home to his empty apartment and needing to apologize made for an easy excuse to land on her doorstep for the second time in less than two weeks.
Taking a quick glance in Andy's direction he wondered what she was thinking.
"What?" Andy asked.
She could sense his discomfort, hell she understood it. She'd felt deeply exposed when he was there last as she confessed the feelings around her grief. His admission had no doubt been more vulnerable than he intended.
"Nothing." Robert replied quickly pretending not to know what she was inquiring about.
When Andy gave him a look that said I know something is up, he knew he was gonna have to double down on a different topic than where they had been.
"Fine… just wondering on a scale of 1-10 how annoyed you are with Ruiz's leadership," Robert answered with a straight face.
Andy chuckled. "So that's what we're doing?"
She saw right through his act. He might be curious about her thoughts on Theo' as acting captain, but that sure as hell isn't what had him tied up in knots a few moments ago.
"Ruiz is doing fine," Andy muttered.
She knew why they couldn't or maybe shouldn't veer off, but that didn't stop it from bothering her.
Robert sighed. Comfort and a semblance of control returned as they moved solidly into a conversation about work. "But we both know, you could be doing better. The whole team knows."
"That's not a nice thing to say." Andy replied.
"Doesn't make it less true." Robert had no problem being open with his observations, especially when he knew he was right. "He's a good guy. Good firefighter, but he hesitates. Doesn't trust himself or his team fully. That slows you down in the field and could have a cost someday."
"You know he lost someone..." Andy countered trying to support Theo despite knowing Robert was expressing concerns she herself had. "He's never recovered from that."
"It's a part of the job." Taking a drink of water, he added. "I've lost people. You will too. Sometimes you do things perfectly and still... it happens."
"I know," Andy said and a brief silence stretched between them as they considered the losses 19 had faced the past few years.
Dean. Pruitt. Vasquez. Ripley. Others from different shifts. "It doesn't matter much anyway... the role isn't permanent until things with Beckett have been sorted. I'll worry about it then."
Andy tried to be dismissive, but Robert wasn't fully buying it.
"You can be honest with me though." His eyes glimmered with a bit of mischief. "Has to feel good to know you're close."
"Bittersweet," Andy said and he waited for her to explain more. "I've been close before, so I don't wanna get my hopes up…and I don't know. It feels...weird."
"Weird?" He didn't understand.
Hearing his confusion, Andy followed up. "I used to feel like I needed the job to validate I was good enough as a leader. To show everyone I'm more than just Pruitt Herrera's kid."
"You've always been more than that," Robert's expression was serious.
"I guess now I don't care so much about what other people think. I'm a good leader. I have my team's respect. I know how to handle myself in a crisis. There's nothing to prove now," She nodded her head slightly, a determined look in her eye. "I just know."
The fierceness in her tone made Robert happy, proud even. "Yeah, I get that."
In different ways, they had both spent the last year and a half battling their own insecurities and limiting ideas about who they were and who they could be. He knew being a woman in a male dominated industry was hard, scaling up to captain or beyond was harder.
And so was rising through the ranks as a Black man, being the only person around the leadership table and making mistakes. Having to pick yourself, pull your reputation outta the trash and rebuild it.
Andy added, "It feels good to be this sure, but also makes me wonder. Maybe all those times I was up for Captain before, I wasn't really ready for it?"
She hadn't planned to own up to that particular concern. It was like the two of them had been injected with a truth serum and sucked into a vortex where you were destined to give up your deep dark secrets to the person you were there with.
Their age difference had never been an issue for either of them, but times like this, the extra years lended itself to useful perspective.
"In my experience, sometimes you get jobs because it's a no brainer." Robert caught Andy's eyes and saw she was listening intently. "It's obvious you're the most qualified, best fit for the role. Other times you get jobs and grow into 'em."
Holding her gaze he continued, "If you'd been promoted before, you would've done well. You'd have leaned on your team and figured out the stuff you didn't know over time. I'm sure of it."
"Thank you," Andy nearly whispered. Work had been so complicated for them. That they could arrive here was significant. "It means a lot," she added with a stronger voice after choking back a lump of emotion.
"You're a natural leader, Andy. And you've built the skills to be the obvious choice." He said with a smile and muffled laughter. "Of course only because I'm not interested in this year's version of Station 19 Hunger Games."
Andy nudged him with an extended foot. "Please. Maybe you should just admit you're running to Spokane to spare yourself from a devastating loss and crushing blow to your ego."
"Maybe?" Robert laughed. "Maybe I just figured it was time to stop waiting for something to happen and time to make something happen."
His words weren't lost on Andy. She felt them. They seemed to apply both personally and professionally.
After taking a sip of her whiskey and returning the glass to the table she turned and said, "For what it's worth, the Battalion Chief job seems kind of like a no brainer for you too. So, I do hope it works out."
"Really?" Robert questioned. Nothing about her reaction tonight said she supported him leaving, but... he suspected that had very little to do with her opinion of his work experience.
"Yes, really!" Eyes wide, voice raised slightly, Andy replied. "I know how much it sucks to feel stuck. Like you're a full grown bulldog trapped in puppy playtime."
"That's oddly descriptive," Robert chuckled. "And accurate."
She sighed. Leaned her head on the back of her sofa before speaking again. "I'm happy for you."
Robert's eyes traveled along her side profile. He could see the wheels turning in her head again, the anxiousness swirling around and the forced way she was trying to keep her brow from creasing.
He was poking the bear. "You don't seem happy."
"I'm happy you're getting your shot. I just…" Andy hesitated looking over. She knew he'd be able to read her expression no matter how she was trying to hide it. "You're leaving," She shrugged her shoulders dejectedly.
Andy knew he deserved this opportunity, in fact he'd more than earned it. He'd fought tooth and nail to rebuild his career, rebuild his reputation and make amends.
He had more than twice the amount of experience than anyone in the firehouse. It was time. She just didn't like the idea that he would be moving, getting that shot on the other side of the state, not in her world on a regular basis.
Even though they weren't together, even though she knew she didn't technically need him for anything or have a claim to him... he was part of the fabric of her life. It was hard to imagine that changing.
"Says the woman who divorced me," Robert replied with a self-deprecating laugh.
His shoulders moved up and down and his belly contracted. He hadn't expected such a full laugh, but when it came, he didn't squash it down.
There was just something so damn hilarious about the fact that he'd waited ten months for the woman sitting next to him to come to her senses, they divorce, he moved on, she dated and now... just as he was on his way out of town, they were getting their spark back.
Andy winced at his words and when Robert realized she hadn't laughed too, he looked over and saw the pained expression on her face. "It's been long enough. We can laugh about it now."
Andy sighed.
She was glad that Robert was in a good place about it all. Lord knows, she'd put him through hell. She also knew... she had a window here. An opportunity. A doorway they could potentially walk through.
A chance to tell a truth she hadn't shared. A truth that wouldn't just be flirting or lightly suggestive glances... something that would expose the state of her heart with no guarantee how it would be received or how it might change things between them.
She was scared.
Draining the remaining amber colored liquid in a couple large gulps, Andy prayed for courage. Placing the glass back down, heart beating loudly in her chest, she spoke...
Find out what Andy said in the next update…
AUTHOR'S NOTE…
The Surrera morning after scene previewed at the end of Chapter 2 will be in Chapter 4. As I started working on their dialogue at Andy's apartment, I realized they had more ground to cover. 8,000 words later… it was best not to rush it.
PREVIEW…
"K, so I was thinking…" Vic said as her and Andy grabbed towels and toiletries to head towards the showers. "Eli and Trav totally out of left field, I know. But I really feel like you've really gotta keep putting yourself out there."
Vic nodded her head as she spoke, convinced she was telling her friend the right thing.
"I've been on dates," Andy responded defensively. "I've got a closet of worn one time dresses to prove it."
An expression that could only be described as chagrined covered Vic's face and she pursed her lips. "Nothing promising."
Andy rolled her eyes. "Rude."
Vic chuckled lightly in response. "Also true and we need to be honest here. I'm concerned that your vagina has cobwebs. You haven't orgasmed from something other than a vibrator in a lo…"
Hand in front of her face, Andy stopped Vic from continuing her monologue.
"Me and my vagina are fine thank you very much," she said in a hushed clipped tone.
Vic gave Andy an incredulous look. "Since when?"
With a stone face, Andy didn't respond.
Staring hard into Andy's eyes as, as if she could see through her, Vic asked a follow up question. "With who?"
Thanks again for reading, look forward to your commentary!