Chapter 4 – Ozpin's School of Bitchcraft and Stupidry

"We're in hot water with the Council of Vale, sir," explained Glynda. "Unsurprisingly, they aren't pleased that you offered an underaged child a spot at Beacon."

Ozpin shook his head and looked out upon the girl in question as she trained with her team.

"That's okay. I'm sure her partners will keep her grounded. Why, young Miss Schnee seems quite responsible."

"I suppose, though the complaints of bribery and corruption have been piling up due to her parent's wealth and Miss Schnee's less than stellar combat record. Perhaps if Miss Schnee were to win a single fight at any point in her entire academic career, they could be dismissed...?"

"Let's not badger the poor girl, Glynda."

Goodwitch sighed, look down at her clipboard, and adjusted her glasses. "And continuing on about that team, one of them is a literal criminal."

"Now, now. We mustn't be judgmental. Miss Xiao-long may be directly descended from a tribe of bandits, but only fifty percent of the prior generation's group of bandits from the same tribe that I admitted into my school and trained into lethal warriors actually returned to that tribe to continue committing crimes. And yes, that was Yang's mother, but we shouldn't –"

"I was actually referring to the literal ex-terrorist, Miss Belladonna. Though we absolutely shall need to bring up whatever banditry you just mentioned."

Ozpin turned to look at his deputy with disgust. "Curb you tongue, professor. Not all Faunus are terrorists. I may hire exclusively humans as professors, but that doesn't mean you have free reign to be discriminatory."

"No, I'm referring to her unchanged last name, which is the last name of the founders of the White Fang. I've got Ghira and Kali Belladonna on the line in the other room, waiting for me to explain why their daughter showed up in the internationally televised Vytal tournament and couldn't even be bothered to have called them first. How did you even accept her into the school? You must have known."

Ozpin smiled back at her. "Well, you know what they say. Fool me once, I'll assume you're not a terrorist and not do any background checks."

"I…Ozpin, did you screen any of these students? Of Team JNPR, Jaune Arc's file is horseshit - it literally reeked of manure and a non-combat farming background. On top of that, he's failing in his studies, falling asleep during class, and actively rejecting any attempts by his peers to help him. And Miss Valkyrie and Mister Lie have no academic records whatsoever! Neither has ever spent a day in school in their entire collective lives! Between the eight students on those two teams, only three of them have any verifiable academic records that meet Beacon's standards!"

"Team Cardinal is qualified," Ozpin said, deftly redirecting the conversation to avoid Glynda's suspicion. "Their records are good."

Glynda pointed out the team in question on the training grounds. Cardin was currently snapping the neck of an unarmed Faunus in broad daylight while surrounded by multiple witnesses.

"Why, his teammates, though – they're Beacon's pride and joy. I personally checked over all their records and interviewed each and every one of them to ensure they were up to our exacting standards."

Said teammates were currently cheering Cardin on, holding up flaming crosses and wearing pointing white hoods.

Ozpin looked Glynda in the eye. "You have to understand – I'm not racist."

"I'm sure. After all, you did invite a single token Faunus for this entire year, one who just happens to be a terrorist. Sir, be honest with me. Are any of the students you brought to this school not utterly incompetent?"

"Well, what about the transfer students? Since I technically put Leo and James in charge of their school, that means I'm also responsible for letting those students into Atlas Academy and Haven! And now that they're in here, that means I put them in Beacon. So that has to count for something."

"S-Sir…"

"Like that team with young Miss Fall. Ah, yes, Cinder Fall. Dear Cinder Fall. No record to speak of, failed her background check miserably, showed up out of nowhere less than a month ago, even though she's a third year, none of the other Haven students recognize her from classes – why, it's like I always say: the best huntress is always the most mysterious one." He rubbed his hands together. "Makes things more exciting."

"I'm pretty sure someone wearing that same dress and possessing the same fire powers tried to kill me when I met Miss Rose."

"And that Mercury Black fellow," Ozpin continued. "I've a good feeling about him."

Glynda rolled her eyes. "…shares the same last name as an internationally wanted assassin and again couldn't even be bothered to change it, but I'm sure that doesn't bother you in the slightest, sir."

"Glynda!" Ozpin hissed. "First the Faunus, and now you hate Black people?! I'm ashamed to call you my deputy! Anyways, my point stands. Between Cinder Fall, Mercury Black, Emerald Sustrai, and Neopolitan, I'm willing to bet that at least one of them isn't actively committing crimes."

"I'm not convinced."

"There's…"

Ozpin looked around.

"Ah, Team Sun! The finest batch of huntsm–"

"Sun was arrested this morning for stowing away on a ship without a ticket and actively evading the police. He's being stripped of his position as team leader as we speak, and his team is being dishonorably disbanded."

"Team…Penny?"

Glynda sighed heavily. "Sir, you can't just take credit for the other headmasters' teams. That's not how it–"

"Penny Polendina and Ciel Soleil are model students. I haven't looked into Penny's background, but I'm 100% sure that if we did, she would actually have one."

Glynda wasn't convinced. "And what of their other teammates?"

Ozpin blinked up at her. "Other teammates?"

"Jesus fucking Christ, how are the academies still standing with you in charge?!"

"They won't be. Not for long. Or all of Atlas, for that matter. Or Mantle. Pretty much the entire continent of Solitas is going to be permanently ruined and rendered uninhabitable. But at least we'll save the citizenry who weren't already killed and evacuate them to Vacuo, a kingdom lacking the resources or climate to host Atlesians. Oh, speaking of Atlas, Team Funky. They're legit. I checked."

"Yes. Fine. Congratulations, Team Funky, of all the students in the four kingdoms, is a real, qualified team with four hunters that has no visible criminal record." Glynda tossed her clipboard aside and pinched the bridge of her nose. "And you are indirectly responsible for them because you wrote a letter to support the hiring of the headmaster-general who then accepted them to come into his school. You must be so proud."

Ozpin smiled warmly. "I knew you'd understand. By the way, what's the legal age for drafting literally all of them into a personal war against my ex-wife? Asking for a friend."

Glynda put her riding crop to her forehead and pulled the trigger.

Author's Notes

The problem with rogue, outsiders who don't comply with the written rules and are outcasts/loners/renegades is that it loses meaning when everyone is one of those. We don't have a frame of reference for what a standard team is because literally every team is the exception.

Happy rats, and don't do crime!