Chapter 28 - Dreams of the Past

DISCLAIMER: We (unfortunately) do not own Star Wars. :P

Author's Note: Two announcements. First, I'm no longer certain that Kitsoka will actually happen. We'll still be working towards that, but we'll have to see and let the characters pace it. I don't actually think it will happen.

Second, I know I initially said a while ago that we were planning for Anidala to happen... but I don't know if that will happen either. I want to ask y'all who you think Anakin might fit best with for people in his age range. Let me know if I missed anyone. I tried to include everyone I could think of. Lol.

The choices are: 1. Padme, 2. Barriss, 3. Kalifa, 4. Rafa, 5. Trace, 6. Omega, 7. Kaedan, 8. Riyo Chuchi, 9. Steela. Take your pick and let us know what you prefer! :D

Many thanks to loldelegate here on ff. net who has been giving us advice and suggestions for this fic! We never could have made so many unique plans without you! :D Also, this is basically a collab between all of us at this point, because we're sharing detailed ideas and plans. Lol.

~ Amina Gila

It's been a while since Ahsoka has had time to spend with Kitster like this, and even if she doesn't like being off the fronts, she can't say she's upset about this. She wanted to be somewhere alone with him, so they finally settle on going to sit out on the balcony of Padme's apartment for the evening. It's somewhere that they'll have privacy, and Ahsoka doesn't want to be around anyone other than him right now. She needs to talk to Padme again sometime, but not yet. She isn't mad at her like she was before, but she hasn't entirely cooled off either.

"It's been a while since you were last here," Kitster murmurs, turning to look at her.

"I know," Ahsoka concurs, leaning back in her seat next to him and slowly reaching over, taking his hand. "I've... missed this."

"I have too," Kitster replies, "Remember back on Tatooine when we'd sit together at night, watching the sunset?"

"How could I forget?" She gives him a faint, wistful smile as she thinks about it. For as awful as life was there, there were occasional semi-peaceful moments that she enjoyed.

The nights here are never peaceful like that, with the constant noise of the city. It used to bother her at first, but she's since gotten used to it. "How have you been lately? How's the... movement?" she wonders.

"It would be easier if we have more resources, but we are working to steadily keep freeing people, even if the numbers aren't high," he replies. "It would help if I had more time for it."

Right. Because he has a job and a life here, like her. She'd always wanted to free slaves before, but now... The Jedi don't really care, and if she wants to do anything to help them, it will have to be on her own, and her focus is on the war right now. Or at least it would be, if the Jedi would let her fight it in peace. There's so much more she could be doing if she wasn't stuck out here. Still, there is some help she can offer. "I got a few ships from the Separatists. I'm sure the Jedi will make me destroy them if they find out, but I know you could put them to good use."

"Yes, we certainly could. I won't ask how you got them. Do they need repairs?"

"No. They're from the ones I used the Malevolence on."

The mood around him seems to drop a little, his expression growing grimmer.

Ahsoka frowns. "What?"

"It's just..." he trails off, sighing, "How are you?"

She blinks. "I – I'm fine. I mean, I wish I could be back on the fronts instead of sitting around, but..."

"No, that's what I mean. That's all you think about," Kitster points out.

"That's my job as a Jedi," she objects, shaking her head, "Of course, that's all I think about."

He sighs quietly, and she gets the feeling that something is bothering him, but unlike everyone else, she doesn't know that it has anything to do with her using the Malevolence, at least not specifically. "You've changed a lot, since the war started," he says, quietly.

She frowns. "What do you mean?"

"I know it's your job but..." He shifts, almost uncomfortably, though he tightens his grip on her hand, "You always used to worry about everyone. I mean – as people, not as a group the way you do now. I know you're still trying to do what's best but it's... different. Not like it used to be."

She's about to object, but – Well, he does have a few points. There's times in the past that... she was thinking similar things herself, like when Anakin was badly injured back on Maridun. Almost all she's ever thinking about is the war, about how to bring it to an end, even if it means colluding with Dooku to help twist things in whatever direction they need to go.

Only a year ago... she wouldn't have thought of doing something like that. But what else is she supposed to do? It's what she needs to do because no one else is.

She feels her frustration rising again, as she thinks about everything. "I just want the war to be over," Ahsoka admits.

"I do too," he agrees quietly, "It's changing everyone – everything – and I don't like it."

"I could be doing more, to stop it, if the Jedi would let me," she grumbles, "No matter what I do, they're never satisfied with it. They just want me to blindly follow everything they say, and I can't do that. I... I can't trust them anymore."

He frowns. "I knew there was tension but... it's that bad?"

She shakes her head, sighing. "I can't see the Temple as my home anymore. I feel like I don't belong there. The only time I really feel at home is..." She trails off. "Here. With you." It's the truth. Maybe it always has been, but as time goes on, it feels like it becomes more and more true.

"I know you don't like being off the fronts, but maybe some time away that you can spend here will be better in the long run," Kitster duggests, "From what you've told me, you were far older than the normal age that they'd ever accept and... you'll never be like the others. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but..."

Maybe he's right. It doesn't sound so bad, honestly. Then another thought occurs to her. "What you were saying about needing more help in the movement... Well, I have time right now."

"... wait, what are you saying?"

She gives him a small smile. "If you have time, too, we could do something about it together. I... have hands-on experience in that area." It's been a very long time since she's been able to help anyone through ways other than fighting the war, and she thinks maybe she'd actually like that. She prefers avoiding anything that has to do with her past, but... This was once her dream, after all, even if so much has changed since.

"I'd like that," Kitster says, brightening a little, "I could take a short break myself, and then we can..."

She grins. "Teach some slavers who they're messing with?"

"Yeah, and spend some time together."

For the first time, she thinks she's actually looking forward to something other than the next battle. Well, this is going to be a battle, but a different kind. One where it might actually feel like she is directly helping people like she always wanted.

Fine. If the Council doesn't want to let her use all resources she can to win the Clone Wars, then there's other battles to fight, ones they can't stop from her from taking part in. (And of course extra leave time might also give her a chance to find a different way to get into contact with Dooku.)

**w**

"That was fun," Ahsoka remarks, turning back to Kit. They've just gotten back from dealing with a small group of slavers. "Just like old times. We should do this more often." It feels more normal, natural, right. She wishes he could be with her more often. They don't have much time with the war and all.

"Yeah," he agrees, smiling. "Sometimes, I wish we were good at something other than violence and fighting, but I guess it's how we grew up."

Ahsoka nods.

"Have you ever thought about what you'll do once the war is over?" Kitster inquires, curiously.

In all honesty, she hasn't. It's been so long since the war began. Actually, it hasn't been quite a year yet, though it's rapidly approaching that. It feels like far, far more though. It's all Ahsoka has had time to think about since it began, trying to figure out the best way to win and save as many people as possible. Bringing a swift end to it is all that matters, and she takes things as they come. She has no way of knowing what will happen afterwards until 'afterwards' comes.

Stressing over the future would be pointless.

"I haven't," the Togruta admits. "I don't know. Sometimes I think I want to leave the Order, but I wouldn't be able to help anyone if I did that."

"Wouldn't you?" Kit asks. "You don't have to be a Jedi to help people. What I'm doing... it's what I used to think the Jedi were supposed to do. Now I know better, but I'm helping, too."

"That wasn't what I meant. You – you can help like you are. It's different for me."

"You always say it's different for you. Why?" He's genuinely curious; not accusing.

"It's... complicated." Ahsoka glances around the grass and forests surrounding them. They're on Naboo now, and the planet brings back good memories. It reminds her of when she first met Kitster again. He gives her a sense of grounding and humanity that no one else has been able to. They understand each other, and that's what matters most to her, after living an entire life alone. They came here to drop off a group of slaves they'd been able to rescue.

"I have powers you don't and never will. I can't sit by and watch as the public suffers. When I was younger, I wanted to leave the Order. I knew there were so many people who needed help, but the Jedi refused to act, because they blindly follow the Senate. Obi-Wan took me on one last mission before I could leave, and there I learned the truth: that as a Jedi, I have more power to make things right than I would have alone."

Kit nods. "That's why we need to expand. If this movement will grow and make a difference, we need more fighters. We need more who are willing to help."

She knows what he's asking her without explicitly stating. He wants to know if she'd be willing to leave the Order and join him, and... she doesn't know. She wants to, but Ahsoka isn't sure if it's the right choice. "I'll help you however I can," she answers at last. "I think this will work, but I don't know. I don't know what will happen when the war ends. Maybe we can get the support of the Senate afterwards. It is... risky. The chances of raising enough attention for the Hutts to come after us as one is dangerously high."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Kit admits. "We need to be careful. If we stay undercover, unnamed, we will be safer."

"People won't believe in you," Ahsoka points out. "They won't be able to hope for you or help you when you get there."

"It goes both ways. I understand your concerns, but... we've been successful thus far. Maybe this is another war we need to fight on two fronts. If you can get the Jedi to intervene or if Padme could convince the Senate to help..."

Ahsoka laughs. She can't help it. It's bitter, humorless. "That will never happen. The Council will never listen to me. I spoke to my master about it once. He turned me down, saying that the power vacuum would be too great. The Order can't take action so drastic without an order from the Senate. They've been blindly serving them for years. I doubt that will change. And if Padme would get anywhere with that, she should have already made progress ending the war."

"You're right," he agrees. "Sometimes, it feels so hopeless. It's like nothing will ever change, and if it can't change, it can't get better. I can't sit by and wait, when I can act."

"I know." Ahsoka sighs, crossing her arms. She loathes the Senate so much. "Maybe... I can talk to the Chancellor about it. Afterwards. Our focus is on the war now, and I doubt he'll be willing to divert attention elsewhere. It would be bad for the Republic."

"Massive action would spark yet another war," Kitster points out. "That is my other concern. I know it may be worth it in the long run, but will the people see it that way? People would die either way."

"I don't know," Ahsoka sighs, "This needs to be done, but I don't know what the right choices are. The Republic will refuse to do anything by force, regardless of how many are suffering. They will need to expand, and I don't see that happening. Even if we were to destroy them, freeing the slaves would be more difficult. We'd have to go down to the surface and work our way through, city by city. It would be a massive loss of life. It would be more effective to send droids, but I don't know the feasibility of that, either."

By the Force, the biggest problem the galaxy has is that no one helps each other. No one cares what happens to anyone else, as long as they can continue to live their own lives without difficulty. They don't care what happens to those unfortunates in unspeakable conditions in the next system, let alone on the other side of the galaxy.

The system needs to be entirely remade. On that, Ahsoka can agree with the Separatists, but she sees no reason to start over. Palpatine can fix this. Everyone is focused on the war, and the choices Senators are making now is a clear sign of whether or not they are corrupt. Of course, there is no guarantee, but the signs are clear enough that it's essentially all they need to know.

"There must be something they can do," Kit mutters.

"There is. I just don't know what. It's something I'll be able to do after the war ends. I – I don't have time to focus on it now."

"I understand," he replies, though he's clearly unhappy. "I just think you should have something to look forward to after the war. What you're doing is... important, but it's not healthy."

"Someone has to do it," she argues, which is what she says every single time someone questions her actions. "And if not me, who?"

"I don't know, but it's like you're taking full responsibility for the war. That's not – it's not yours. You had no part in making it, even if you want to help. And I know you do. I'm glad," he admits, almost grudgingly, "But I worry. War means death, and sometimes... I don't know if you're ever going to come back."

Ahsoka winces. In truth, she never thought about it. She's always been fine, so she assumed she always will be. There is no such guarantee, though. She has no way to know with certainty that her and Kitster will have time to have a future together, but she always assumed. She... doesn't know what to do, and maybe that's the problem. She's been hiding from it, because she wants him, but she has a duty. She has the power to help, and she can't turn that down. She doesn't want to stay with the Order, but it's her best chance.

"I hope sometimes it will get better," she confesses, "But I don't see that happening. Not really."

"I don't want to lose you. Not when we just got you back."

"You won't," she promises. "I'll always be here. I'm not going anywhere."

"I... know you said no before when we last talked about it," he ventures, cautiously, "And... I'm wondering if your answer would be the same now. I don't want to rush you into this if you're not ready, of course, but I think you need something to look forwards to. A future. Something other than war."

"I don't know what to say," Ahsoka confesses. "You know what I want, but... I don't know. We can't... not if I'm part of the Order."

"You've broken many of their rules already," he points out.

She opens her mouth to argue, then closes it again. Okay, that's the simple truth. She does often ignore the Council's words. This is different though, or maybe it's that she's been lying to herself. "I don't have time," she admits, suddenly feeling slightly guilty. She doesn't want to turn him down, but he's just asking. He's not pressuring her. It's the first time they've talked about it in months. "If we're going to win the war, I need to focus on that."

"I understand," Kitster says reluctantly, "But if you ever change your mind, I'll always be here for you."

A pang of regret runs through Ahsoka, but she knows this is really the only choice she can make, given the situation. She can't let herself be distracted. The Jedi are causing her enough difficulties, and she doesn't need to get herself in the way of her own plans, too. "Maybe this will be over sooner than we know," she says, finally. She doesn't believe it, not really, but for a moment she tries to imagine it.

"Maybe," Kitster agrees, though she can tell he's not the happiest about the situation.

"While we're here, why don't we... enjoy the time we have left?" she suggests, finally. That, at least, he should be happy about.

Sure enough, Kitster does perk up at that. "Yes, let's," he agrees.

They're sitting in the grass outside, not far from Eirtae's residence – since Ahsoka got to meet her again briefly due to her work in the slave moment. Ahsoka scoots a little closer, leaning against Kitster as her eyes wander across the endless grass out in front of them. A distance away, she can see some shaaks grazing

"Hey, remember when we were trying to ride on those things before?"

"Yeah," Kitster says, "Want to try again?"

Ahsoka grins. "Sure!"

And that, Ahsoka thinks, is probably one of the most fun things that she's done in a very long time.

She wishes they could have more time to be together, without having to worry about the war and everything else, but it's not realistic now. Still, that doesn't mean she can't let her worries slip aside for the moment and enjoy the time she has here while she does have it. She doesn't know when they'll have time for something like this again.

**w**

"There are times I really do miss Artoo," Kitser comments sounding mildly amused as Ahsoka looks past him to the blur of hyperspace outside. They're on the way back to Coruscant now, after what she thinks is probably one of the most refreshing... "vacations" she's had since the war started.

"I can imagine," Ahsoka agrees, "He's one of the most useful droids around. Anakin is very fond of him."

"I'm sure he is," Kitster chuckles, "I have yet to find an astromech who was helpful as him, and speaking of Anakin, how is he?"

"He's doing pretty well," Ahsoka replies, thinking back to the last time she saw him. It was back when the last real talk they had was right before the battle of Felucia. He'd seemed bothered about a lot of things, but still his usual cheerful self, for the most part. "He's one of the most... special people I know," she admits, "I mean – other than you."

Kitster elbows her. "I didn't need the clarification."

Ahsoka chuckles quietly.

"I haven't seen him much," he responds, "Care to elaborate?"

"He's... the most caring Jedi that I've ever met. Almost unhealthily so, actually."

He raises an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"He always tries to help people, even if it hurts him in the process." Like when he was assisting her with building the Malevolence.

"Sounds a little like someone I used to know."

Ahsoka shakes her head. "Not like that. I wasn't – not like him." That, she can definitely admit.

"I have noticed though, from the little I've seen him," admits Kister,.

"And he's very gifted. Everything he seems to do – okay, almost everything – works out. I don't know how he does it. And for his age, he's more skilled in the Force and lightsaber combat than anyone I've seen. More than I was at his age, I think." Which is weird, because she's always thought herself to be the most powerful Jedi, the Chosen One, after all. But the more she sees of Anakin, the more she can see how much he's growing, and becoming even a challenge for her to combat in a duel. Or at least he will be. He still has a ways to go for that.

"That is impressive," he agrees, "I've seen he... looks up to you a lot."

"Yeah. I suppose he does," she confirms, if that's how Kitster wants to put it. They're close and he knows Anakin respects her view on a lot of things, even if he'll usually listen to Obi-Wan over her – even when the Jedi Master is being an idiot, which happens to be most of the time. That's not a surprise though, because even if he didn't agree with Obi-Wan, Ahsoka remembers far too clearly what happened when she argued with him excessively. And Anakin doesn't stand up for himself the way she always did. He's much more prone to avoid a fight than to yell back.

Regardless of what Anakin's future holds, Ahsoka already knows that he will become one of the greatest Jedi the galaxy has ever seen.

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