Chapter 36 - Questions

DISCLAIMER: We (unfortunately) do not own Star Wars. :P

Author's Note: Thank you, loldelegate! :)

~ Amina Gila

"How are things?" Ahsoka asks, settling next to Kitster on the balcony of Padme's apartment. She likes being out here, somewhere where things are... peaceful, even if she can rarely stay in the moment long enough to enjoy it. She can't imagine the quietness of it for long.

"We're doing better, thanks to those ships you gave us," Kitster tells her, smiling faintly.

"That's good." Palpatine is right. She's done all of this even though she wasn't the Chosen One. The fact that she isn't now doesn't have to change so much, but somehow it still feels like it does. She can't quite shake those questions burning at the edge of her mind, of what if... what if she has been making mistakes? It doesn't really feel like it, but – She attacked Anakin and that isn't something she can just shrug off.

"What's wrong?" Kitster is frowning slightly, watching her.

"All this time I thought I was the Chosen One," Ahsoka begins, "But I'm not."

He blinks. "What?"

"That was why I was trained." She's never really talked about this before, but suddenly it comes pouring out. "It's the only reason the Jedi wanted me – the only reason Obi-Wan wanted me. It was always some impossible standard they expected me to live up to, and when I tried, they got upset. But now I'm not apparently, and I don't know what that will mean now."

Kitster frowns. "When did this change?"

"On our last mission. Apparently, it's Anakin."

His eyes widen. "That's..."

"It makes sense," she continues, "He's – he's so skilled, more than I ever was at his age, and he follows the Code far more." Or maybe it's partly that which is bothering her so much. What if – what if that is what the Chosen One is supposed to be like? Then, shouldn't she be doing the same too? But –

"I didn't realize so much of what you did was shaped around... that," Kitster says, quietly.

She's wants to snap at him, though she doesn't know why. It's not him she's mad at – actually, she doesn't know why she's suddenly angry. Or is it because she has so many questions and no answers? "Everything about me since I came to the Temple was about that!" Ahsoka snaps, "Now I don't even know who my father is! I don't know if he was –" She cuts herself off, turning away.

A slaver.

"Mom said she never knew him, and I thought – but then after Qui-Gon, I assumed maybe it was because I didn't have one, but apparently I do, and that means –"

She hasn't dwelt on her mother in a long time. She thinks of Sharlan frequently, though it hurts. And now she's thinking of her again, wondering what it was like... when she first came into her mother's life in the first place. (Was she unwanted by both her parents too?) Did anyone ever want her? She doesn't know why it's bothering her so much suddenly. She hasn't much cared in so long.

It's stupid anyway because she knows her mother deeply cared for her, and never showed even a hint otherwise. Then again, it's not that that's so upsetting. It's –

"Ahsoka, look," Kitster stands up, slowly approaching her, "You're a full Togruta. Your father couldn't have been... You know. Even if he was, that doesn't define you."

"What if does?" she yells, She's not mad at him, she's just... she doesn't know. "Is that why I'm incapable of being a proper Jedi? Because I'm a result of that?"

He frowns. "Ahsoka, where is this coming from? I thought... You mentioned questions about the Jedi way, and I can't say they aren't legitimate. You were raised differently than them. You'll never see things the way they do. There's nothing wrong with that."

"What if it is? If Anakin is the Chosen One..."

"Why would hearing you aren't the Chosen One make your questions less legitimate?"

"Because –" Because she thought she had to be right, because of her power, didn't she? And now that it's Anakin, who is so much a better person than her, the person she may once have wanted to be. Maybe that's why she's wondering. Maybe. But – "Because if it's Anakin, and he's supposed to bring balance as a Jedi, maybe that's – how things are supposed to be?" She can't understand how that's possible, though, and her anger is fading, replaced by questions and confusion and now, a crazed part of her almost wants to cry.

"I don't know what 'bringing balance' means, but I don't believe there can only be 'one' right way to use the Force, right? If you're upset about things, there's nothing wrong with how you feel about that." Kitster sighs, moving closer and abruptly wrapping his arms around her. She returns the embrace tightly, desperately almost. "But if you have this many questions, maybe you need to... talk to a Jedi about it. I don't know these things. I can't really give you advice on it."

"Who'd I talk to?" she asks, helplessly. None of them would listen to her. They'd never understand. They probably don't even want her with them anymore after hearing she's not their precious savior.

'When have your instincts ever led you wrong'? Palpatine had asked her, and maybe she should go back to believing that. She's done so many things contrary to the Jedi way, but she didn't actually hurt anyone. She was just helping, even if it was in ways they refuse to accept or understand.

"What about Obi-Wan?" Kitster asks, hesitantly.

She pulls back, expression twisting in a scowl. "He never listens to me! All he does is preach about the Jedi Code, and I already know what it says!"

"You said you don't really trust any of them, so I don't know what to say," Kitster admits, "But if not him, than maybe the Grandmaster? I'm sure he could... advise you on this."

That's just it, she supposes. The Jedi will never understand where's she coming from with any of her questions, and she knows what they'd say anyway.

"Maybe," she concedes, letting out a quiet sigh and dropping onto her seat. Kister moves to join her, taking her hand. She doesn't think she'll seriously take his offer, though. Even thinking about it starts making her angry again. Just... going to talk to Palpatine again should clear up any of the questions she has. Maybe. She already knows what he'll say oto, and in the end, at least what he says makes sense.

**w**

It was just another normal day at the Senate, but Padme finds herself feeling more worn out than ever as she heads back for her apartment. She's always wanted to help people, and as she got into politics, she realized more and more that this was really the best way she could.

But it can be so exhausting, especially now with the war.

Sometimes, there's a part of her that just wants to do something for herself for once. She's seen Sola's family and occasionally, she really wants one of her own. But there's no one...

She doesn't know anyone she could be in that kind of relationship with, and if she did, she'd probably have to leave the Senate because she doesn't know how she could balance a family plus her work, at once.

A part of her almost wants to leave, but at the same time, what would she do then? Politics has always been her life's interest, and she can't really imagine a life where she wasn't still in it. It's all so complicated and at the end of the day, she doesn't really have time to think about it, before she's rushing off to the next Senate meeting.

"Anything going on?" Kitster asks cheerfully, as she step into her apartment. He's there with Ahsoka, who seems... She doesn't know, but something about the tension on her face catches Padme a little off-guard.

"Nothing of significance," Padme replies, "The Senate's still arguing over if we need more clones, if we should move to attack another Separatist sector because of trade routes..."

Ahsoka lets out an almost irritated sigh, and Kitster shoots her a concerned look.

"Is everything alright here?" Padme asks.

"We need to end this," Ahsoka says, frustratedly.

"That's what I've been trying to do!" Padme protests, "But the Senate won't listen to reason, and negotiations are pretty much outlawed."

"That's why I've been doing what I have been – because I don't see how we can end this without winning."

"Is there any way to win?" Padme asks bluntly.

"Is there any way to negotiate it?" Ahsoka shoots back.

"Maybe," she snaps, "If we were actually allowed to negotiate!"

"What am I supposed to do?!" Ahsoka bursts out, jumping up, "Just do what the rest of the Jedi are and get nowhere?!"

"What are you talking about?" Padme asks, raising an eyebrow. She's never seen this before.

"I just told you! I don't see any other way to end this!"

"I think negotiating is the only thing that's going to end it any time soon," Padme retorts, and she feels a little bad that Kitster has to be here to hear them arguing again.

"But we have to be ready to defend ourselves if we need it! We can't just stay on the defensive if they won't listen to us," Ahsoka says bitterly.

"I've argued with enough people in the Senate about this," Padme retorts, "What we need is a way to talk this out."

"Then maybe people should actually try finding one!" Ahsoka snaps.

"You think we haven't tried? With the kind of weapons the Republic has now, I think it only makes the Separatists even more reluctant to agree." No thanks to things like the Malevolence.

"And we should be okay with it that they do the same?!" she yells back.

"I never said that!"

"Can you two stop?!" Kitster demands, standing, "I know neither of you are having an easy time, and this isn't helping anyone."

Padme lets out a quiet breath, trying to bring her raging emotions under control. "No, it isn't. I know we disagree on this, and maybe it's best if we... don't keep discussing it."

"I'm not saying negotiations wouldn't be better," Ahsoka replies, voice more even now, "But I'm just trying to be realistic. If that's what we need to do, then we should find a way to do it without stalling."

"Like what? That isn't how the Senate works either," Padme responds.

"I don't know," she replies, turning away, "But something."

"Ahsoka, wait," Kitster says, moving over to her, "You know... you don't have to do this all by yourself."

"I'm not," she retorts, "Palpatine is helping me –"

"That's not what I mean."

"Then what is?"

"You don't need to save the galaxy by yourself. It takes more than one person."

"It often takes one person to start trying," Padme says, "And even then, it can be hard." If only the Senate would listen. It's so full of greedy, squabbling politicians, and she hasn't seen a change for the better in all of Palpatine's leadership. Maybe he is trying, but if she's being honest, she has her doubts.

"I know," Ahsoka sighs, still looking none too happy.

They just leave it at that, though, because really what more can they say?

**w**

General Tano is, and always has been, a remarkable leader. She is not close with the clones on a personal level – and she isn't meant to be, because she is their superior – but Rex can still see clearly that something is very wrong. There's an underlying note of uncertainty to everything she does now, which is extremely unusual. She has never been anything short of completely certain in her skills.

Rex doesn't know how to bring it up, but he can't stay quiet anymore when he can see something is very wrong. "Are you alright, ma'am?" he asks finally, one day when they're left alone in the briefing room.

She seems slightly startled that he spoke. "Why wouldn't I be?" she replies, but the hesitation is enough that he can tell something is wrong.

"I can see something changed, General."

She sighs softly, leaning against the holotable before pulling back and crossing her arms. "I'll be alright, Rex. I can still focus. I know what I need to do."

He wishes it were easy enough to tell her that this isn't about the war or about anything – it's only about her. "The war hasn't been easy for any of us," he says, weighing his words carefully.

"No, it hasn't." He doesn't think she's going to answer, but finally, she starts speaking again. "Something happened when we were on that planet, Mortis. I find myself questioning things, sometimes. It's nothing." It's not as nothing as she wants to pretend, but Rex won't argue. "Part of me almost wants to ask for a short meditative leave, but I'm not going to abandon you. I can do that out here just as well."

"If you say so, ma'am." Rex can't begin to understand how these... Jedi things work, but he can tell General Tano is under a lot of stress. A break might be what she needs. It makes him tempted to ask for an official break for the entire 501st but... She's right. "Sometimes, we all need to rest."

"This isn't about sleep deprivation," she grumbles. "I'll be fine. I can't be lounging around on Coruscant or anywhere if the galaxy needs me."

She says it like simple math, and that's how it is for the clones, too – they always get back up and keep fighting, no matter who they lost. Of course, General Tano would be the same way. It's her duty, and if nothing else, she's always been very serious about that.

**w**

It's been a little while since Ahsoka last talked to Anakin. It's not that she's avoiding him, but it feels like there's a lot they seriously need to talk about. Anakin clearly never told anyone about what happened on Mortis, and she frankly wonders why. And the only times they have interacted very briefly, he's always been... oddly closed off.

Not like that's a surprise. She hates the tension between them, though, and it won't go away unless they talk about it. Part of her is also scared that someone might notice and ask questions about it, too. Palpatine insisted there was nothing necessarily wrong about using the Dark Side, though maybe she'd consider agreeing if not for all the signs left behind from it.

She still doesn't know what to think of any of this. Padme isn't wrong that the easiest solution would be to talk it out with the Separatists, but practically speaking, Ahsoka doesn't see how that's possible.

Not unless she really takes action the way she was once planning to – by going straight to Dooku. If she discussed it with Palpatine, and then found a way to actually arrange a meeting with Dooku, maybe they'd be able to figure something out, or at least start peace talks. It's worth trying, but she needs more time to think about it.

She waits until Anakin is alone in his apartment, probably doing schoolwork, to go find him. "Any time to talk?" she asks, trying to keep her tone casual as she takes a seat next to him.

Anakin looks up from the datapad he was focusing on. "A little," he concedes, "Do you need something?"

"It's about Mortis," she says, getting straight to the point.

"What?" He's withdrawing in on himself again, she notes immediately.

Suddenly, she doesn't even know where to begin. "You... didn't tell anyone about what I did." She's beyond grateful for that. She doesn't know what would happen if the Council found out, and she'd rather not found out.

"No, I didn't," Anakin agrees, inspecting a fascinating point on his datapad.

"Why?"

"Was it really you?" he asks, looking up, "Or did the Son do something to you?"

Guilt twists sharply in her. "He was manipulating me, but my actions were my own. I told you, I... thought using the Dark Side would help. You wouldn't let me leave, and I thought I had to get out before Obi-Wan and the Father showed up."

Anakin frowns, standing up and pacing a short distance away. "Why would you think the Dark Side would help?" He's not really talking about what she wishes he would, but she doesn't know how to prompt that.

"It's powerful," she answers, simply, "And that's what we need right now. But I never considered how much it would cloud my judgment. I..." What can she say? That she didn't mean to attack him? That's hardly true. "I wouldn't have hurt you." She hopes. "I just didn't know what else to do at the time."

"I don't know what the Council would say if I did tell anyone," Anakin says, quietly, "But you – Are you alright? I know you've been stressed, but I didn't know it was that bad."

"I just want to find a way to end this soon. I'm fine. I – won't make that mistake again." Of that, she's certain. She still has questions about the power of the Dark Side, of how right it felt, but for now, she doesn't feel comfortable touching it again, even if there's a tiny part of her that wants to. Right now, she still doesn't know what to think of how Anakin is the Chosen One.

"Thank you for – that, though," she blurts, almost uncomfortably, "For not telling anyone. If you have something to say to me about all of that, just say it."

"I don't understand it," Anakin replies, bluntly, "I don't see how you thought... that would help, but I know you weren't thinking. It's fine."

She doesn't think it's really fine, though, but she leaves it at that. "So, what is it like being the Chosen One?" she asks, with feigned lightness.

If anything, Anakin only looks less happy than before. "What was it like for you? How did you... manage it?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. It was all anyone talked about when they looked at me, when I was still a padawan, so I just learned to ignore them. I do what I have to, to help people, and I suppose even without that title, that's what I'm supposed to be doing anyway." It sounds so clear cut and simple when she says it aloud to Anakin, but it's really not.

Anakin breaths out frustratedly. "I don't know what it means. I don't know what I'm supposed to do! How do I 'bring balance to the Force'?!"

"I have no idea," Ahsoka says flatly, "I thought it meant helping end the war, for starters."

"What can I do that I'm not already?!"

"Help me?" Ahsoka offers, though with what she isn't sure right now.

"You know how... Master Obi-Wan was about that before," Anakin says, shifting uncomfortably.

Yes, of course. She could hardly have forgotten. And she won't drag him into trouble again needlessly, unless it's by his own choice. "Hey, right now you're still a padawan," she replies, moving closer and patting his arm. He's grown up so much in the past year she's known him it's almost ridiculous. "I don't think the Force expects you to 'balance' it any time soon."

"What if the Father is right about the Sith gaining strength and the war getting worse?" Anakin asks.

"Then I guess we'll handle it together," Ahsoka replies, despite the uneasiness twisting in her. If the Father is right, she needs to take action and fast to prevent that from happening.

**w**

Anakin has tried to keep up a facade of being fine, but most people who know him well can see through it. He shouldn't even be surprised when Cody does, but he probably wouldn't have if Anakin weren't so tired. "Are you alright, sir?" he asks.

Anakin tries to keep himself from visibly leaning on the holotable in front of them. He is, anyway. "Yeah." No. Not at all. He doesn't want to be... anything, and he doesn't know what to do. He feels lost.

Cody doesn't seem convinced by the answer. "You seem... extra stressed lately."

Anakin makes a sound of acknowledgement. "A lot... changed on that mission to Wild Space."

"What happened?" Cody asks. "If it's not classified, of course, sir."

It's not, and even if it was, he doubts any non-Force sensitive would believe a word of what happened there anyway. "I'm sure you've heard of... the Chosen One title?" he asks.

Cody nods. "A little. Rex mentioned that Ahsoka said she was... that."

In truth, Anakin doesn't even know how to explain all of this to someone who doesn't already understand it. Then again, not even he does. "It's... We found out it's me," he settles for instead, "I don't know how to do that."

"What do you have to do?" Cody asks.

"... destroy the Sith?!" And balance the Force. Whatever that entails.

"You have to do that alone?" he asks, skeptically.

"No? I don't know. It's just – a title with responsibility. I don't know."

Cody looks about as perplexed as Anakin is feeling. "You should talk to your master," he advises finally, "I can't imagine how you could be expected to do that alone."

"Me either, but it's not like... anyone is being very enlightening. I did speak with Master Obi-Wan. He... didn't have much to say. I don't think he understands it, either."

"I don't know much about this... Force," Cody admits, "But I can't imagine it would... expect something from you that you couldn't do."

That's... a good point, and it makes him feel slightly better momentarily, but he still feels lost.

Cody steps closer to him, and something in him tenses involuntarily, remembering Mortis. Ahsoka attacked him, and he can't bring himself to trust her the way he did before, no matter what she's said. He knows she regrets it, but it's not that easy to let go of a betrayal like that. It's not that he doesn't trust the clones or Obi-Wan, he just – He doesn't know.

Cody is frowning slightly again. "Are you sure you're alright, sir? You've been... on edge. You seem abnormally... distrusting."

Was it that obvious? He wants to talk to someone about it, but he can't tell any of the Jedi. He can't get Ahsoka in trouble like that. He doesn't know what they'll do to her, and he knows he should trust in the Council, but maybe it's just everything Ahsoka's been saying that's making him think otherwise. That, and he has a very bad feeling about doing so. "It's nothing. It... something happened there, and I thought someone I trusted turned on me. I can't seem to let it go."

"That's not unusual," he says, "Rex and I felt the same after Slick betrayed us."

"How do you know who you can trust?" Anakin asks, helplessly. It's not that he questions Cody or Obi-Wan or any of the other clones he knows personally, but it just feels... Fighting alongside people requires a level of trust it feels like he can't give to anyone anymore.

"You don't," Cody agrees, "But most of us would never do that. We can only trust everyone's loyalty until we truly have a reason not to."

**w**

Anakin has no idea why he feels nervous about talking to his master about this. It's important, but he doesn't really want to. "I keep feeling like I should be doing more," he blurts out finally. He has no idea how else to say it. "And I don't know what."

"How so?" Obi-Wan inquires, turning to him. They're walking through the Temple halls, and Anakin loathes how it feels as though he can't go anywhere alone anymore, because it's only when he's with someone else that it dwarfs the way people react when they see him. He loathes it.

"Everyone keeps acting as though they expect something from me."

"You're a Jedi padawan. Many people expect a lot from you."

"It's different now," Anakin argues, "It's like..." He pauses, scrambling to find words. It's not easy to explain. "It's like they want more."

"Do they?" Obi-Wan inquires, "I have noticed a change in how the Council views you, but no more. And it matters little. You are still exactly the same, Anakin."

He frowns. How could his master not have noticed the pressure and standards suddenly crushing him? He feels like he can't even breathe through it. "Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm not supposed to be."

"You being the Chosen One has changed nothing about you," Obi-Wan replies. Anakin looks away. He's not really sure if that's meant as a compliment or not. It's hard to tell. It feels like it's crushing him, strangling him. He's just a boy – he's only fifteen, no matter how successful his skills or abilities have made him. He can still help people, but not at the level the Council seems to want him to. Not on the level he needs to, if he's meant to destroy the Sith.

It makes sense in some horrible, twisted way. All he's ever been good at is destroying things. Well, making droids too, but that's different. That was true even before, and he's not sure how to react knowing that he was made to destroy something.

Even if that something is evil.

Obi-Wan is right that knowing this didn't change him, but maybe it should have, and no one will tell him what it means. He'll have to figure it out himself.

Maybe what he needs is to...

Is to fight more. Like Ahsoka did. To learn more of the Force, to be faster and stronger and... someone who could actually stand a chance against a Sith Lord instead of a bunch of battle droids.

That doesn't sound so bad... does it?

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