Chapter 52 - 'Til The Sun Comes Up

Author's Note: Anakin is... struggling. ;-;

~ Amina Gila

It's the last time Anakin's going to be on the 212th cruiser in... a long time, and the last time he ever will be here as their once commander. He can't believe this part of his life is ending. He wishes it wasn't, so much that he almost wants to just pretend things are normal like before, but he can't do that. If he had to be with Obi-Wan constantly like he was before, he doesn't think he could handle it. (He doesn't know if he'll be able to handle seeing him again without crying.)

"Anakin?" Cody asks, expression unusually grim, "General Kenobi mentioned you were... being transferred to the 501st."

That's one way of putting it – though he's grateful Cody already knows, so he doesn't have to explain it all again. "The Council gave me to Ahsoka during the mission, and I can't... I can't come back. Like nothing changed." Still, it feels like he's abandoning them. He doesn't want to leave Cody, or any of the boys he knows here.

"I... understand," Cody replies, though Anakin can sense his obvious disappointment, "I was surprised with what happened to. It was... unexpected."

"I'm sorry," he blurts, "For leaving you now, after all this. I just –"

"We understand," the commander assures him, "And we will still be working together. Besides, I imagine General Tano and Rex could use you to keep an eye on them, anyway."

Anakin manages a faint smile, though he doesn't really feel it. "Yeah, probably." There's a long pause of silence, and it really feels like he should say something more. "I... I'll miss being with you."

"It will be... different not having you around," Cody agrees, "But if you need time away, I can't fault you for it."

It's – it's okay. He understands. But somehow, that hurts, too. The clones often seem too good to be real.

Sometimes, it doesn't even seem real that Anakin was able to finally find people who he's this close with. "Thank you, for everything," Anakin manages finally.

"Just doing my duty," Cody replies, shifting his helmet from one arm to the other. He holds his hand out, and Anakin twitches, hesitating only a moment before diving forwards and wrapping his arms around him. It's the first time they've actually hugged, and he wonders how they haven't a long time ago.

Anakin senses Cody's flare of surprise and uncertainty, though he returns it one-armed. "We all did," Anakin replies, "Or, we all try to. It doesn't always work. But I think... doing what's right matters most."

"We're doing the right thing," Cody reassures. Anakin wishes he could fully accept and believe that. He used to. But now... it's hard. It probably always will be. And silently, he can just hope Cody will make it through alright without him. Anakin could never forgive himself if something happened to Cody because he was gone.

**w**

Rex doesn't know what to think about his General most of the time. She's... ruthless. She gets the job done, and he has no objections to that. It's what matters most, anyway. But still, there are times, that he doesn't... know.

It just feels like she pushes too far.

Rex has always been one for protocol. He had to be, to survive on Kamino. It was an important part of his life, to all of their lives. It's important to all the clones. Seeing as Rex was... born different, even slightly, it always brought him more scrutiny. He adapted to that.

Now, out here, fighting in the Clone Wars under General Tano, Rex has learned much more. He has learned to work in many different ways, with many different methods – but he often doesn't agree with them. They trust each other, of course. There's no question of that, but he doesn't have the same... closeness with her that he does with the now-commander.

Anakin joined them. He's part of the 501st now, and it's almost surreal. Child or no, he's still good at what he does. He's something legendary, not because of how skilled he is, or even how smart he is, though that certainly adds to it, but because of how he is towards the clones.

Rex had no idea what to think about him at first. None of them did, because no one had ever treated them like this before. Anakin is the first – and only – Jedi to act as though he's one of them, but Anakin fits right in. It isn't even hard for him.

So yes, in many ways, Rex is glad this happened, though he's also uncertain what it'll mean for the 212th. For Cody.

But having Anakin here will mean... changes. Many changes.

Some things are already changing. Their General and Commander's views will differ drastically, and Rex has no doubt that it'll only be a matter of time before all of them find themselves more willing to follow their Commander.

But Ahsoka has worked with them, has led them from the start of the war, and it feels wrong somehow. Even if Rex knows that it's not entirely. Her ways are questionable sometimes. There are many things she does that he doesn't like, but he doesn't argue. That's... not what they do.

Right now, Rex just hopes the division he knows this will cause won't turn out badly.

**w**

The glaring lack of Anakin's presence in Obi-Wan's apartment is even more obvious than he thought it would be; it occupies his mind constantly, how... he doesn't have a padawan to train anymore. And he can't say he didn't ask for it, after... knowing how much it would hurt Anakin, to have seen that. The Council had insisted, though, and now, he almost wonders if it was intended as a reminder to him.

It did serve as a reminder, that he was definitely too attached to Anakin, or it shouldn't hurt so much that he's gone. And he was letting Anakin be too... attached to him. But that doesn't mean he doesn't want him back. He wants to know how he's doing, and... he doesn't trust Ahsoka to train him at all.

"I am not certain what to think of this arrangement," Obi-Wan says finally, bringing up his concerns to the Council, "Do we really want to leave any padawan under Ahsoka's influence?"

The other Council members exchange glances. "I agree that it is a foolish move," Mundi declares, "This was only intended to be temporary."

"Now that we gave Padawan Skywalker to her, it is their choice if they wish to continue it," Plo reminds.

"It is for the master and padawan to decide," concurs Shaak Ti, albeit reluctantly.

"But it's still a risk," Obi-Wan argues, unhappily. And he knows that Anakin would probably not be happy if they forcibly made this decision for him, but still. It's for his own good.

"Perhaps leaving the padawan with Knight Tano could be of use to us," interjects Kolar, "He could keep a closer eye on her and report on what he sees."

"Anakin was reluctant before. With her as his master now, I imagine he will be even less inclined to do so," Obi-Wan replies. They have a good point, though, but that doesn't mean he likes it. He doesn't like... any of this.

"Perhaps," Mundi replies, "But nevertheless, it is for the good of the Order."

The good of the Order, says the Jedi who had suggested they find a way to eliminate Ahsoka if she became a threat. Obi-Wan hasn't forgotten that.

And he doesn't want to know the kind of affect Ahsoka could have on Anakin, or what the Order might decide to do if they think he's becoming a threat. Especially since he's the real Chosen One. And nor does Obi-Wan want to have to deal with Anakin going along that same path, even if he can't imagine it because of how Light he is now. (But with everything that happened, how Light he is anymore, Obi-Wan couldn't say.) Even Ahsoka used to be Lighter than she is now, and Obi-Wan doesn't understand how that happened, either. How he failed to notice for years.

"Care, we must take," Yoda murmurs, though who he supports here, Obi-Wan is uncertain.

"Unless it becomes a problem, leaving Knight Tano with the padawan might be the best. We can give him to another master if we notice any changes," Tiin advises.

Why do they have to wait until there's a problem to do something about it? He needs to be putting the good of the Order first, yes, but Ahsoka nearly making the Chosen One Fall is definitely not for the good of the Order, either.

"I still do not believe this a wise decision, for Anakin's sake," Obi-Wan argues.

"You question his capabilities?"

"I question Ahsoka's ability to influence anyone, especially someone so young," he retorts.

"We have already discussed precautions if it becomes a problem," Mundi replies. Precautions?! Obi-Wan's frustration – if it can even be called that – rises instantly, even if he's never felt like that towards the Council before. He just can't agree with the decisions they're making right now. Even if he's gone along with it all along. But right now, there's nothing he can do about it. And he can hardly believe he's even thinking this.

"You trained him well when he was your padawan, Obi-Wan," Fisto says, "You can keep an eye on them both and report any... changes."

"So, it's settled then," Mundi decides, even though it's really... not.

And Obi-Wan already knows he's the one who will have to talk to Anakin about the mission. But first, maybe he can address the other thing he and Anakin need to discuss, even if he truthfully doesn't know what to say to him.

**w**

Obi-Wan thought he'd have to find Anakin on his own, so it takes him by surprise when Anakin shows up at his apartment. "Anakin?" he asks, surprised – hoping for a moment, that maybe...

"I'm here to... get my things," he explains, avoiding his gaze. He seems distinctly uncomfortable. "I did not realize you were... here."

Trying to avoid him, then?

He... can't exactly blame him for that, even if it stings. "Anakin, I must speak with you."

He shifts, crossing his arms. "Now?"

"We must eventually," Obi-Wan replies, though he's fairly certain he'll have to... do the talking, if this is going to go anywhere. Something he is not comfortable with. It would be easier if Anakin would... say something.

"I am aware my actions hurt you," he begins, finally, awkwardly. It doesn't sound nearly sufficient, given everything. "But the Council insisted, and we could not risk any information about the mission leaking."

"You were doing your duty. We already talked about this," Anakin replies, tiredly.

"Yes, but I... still regret that it hurt you."

He looks up, for a moment, an obvious look of pain lingering in his eyes. "I would not have told anyone," Anakin says, finally.

Obi-Wan doesn't doubt Anakin's usual ability to stay silent and keep secrets – he's very good at that – but for something like this, he simply can't imagine him not telling Ahsoka. Even if, now, he doesn't think it was remotely worth it. "The Council feared you may tell Ahsoka and word could spread from there."

"I don't understand," he answers, at length, "Why did the mission have to be done like this?"

"They believed it the most believable and simple solution," Obi-Wan replies. Anakin clearly has little intention of saying anything of how he's feeling, and Obi-Wan doesn't know what to say or do about that. Or maybe, Anakin doesn't know what to say either. Perhaps, he only needs to give it time, even if he doesn't want to.

"Can I go?" Anakin asks, shifting.

"There is one more thing," Obi-Wan adds. Likely, his once padawan will not be very keen on hearing this. "The Council is requesting that... you continue to keep an eye on Ahsoka, as have you in the past."

Anakin looks at him, jaw clenching. "I'll... tell you if I think it's necessary," is all he offers in response.

Obi-Wan can't blame him for it.

He still can't shake the lingering sense of... loss that hangs in the air as Anakin heads to his room, and Obi-Wan can hear him shuffling around, packing up his things to leave. He won't be coming back after this. Except on the battlefield and at Council meetings, he doesn't know when he'll see him again.

Though, he can't say he can blame Anakin for that either.

More than anything, he just wishes there was a way to fix this.

**w**

Anakin hasn't talked to Barriss in a while, but this time, he goes to find her. There is something he thinks she ought to know.

"I heard about what happened," she says the moment she sees him in the hall.

"Everyone did," Anakin replies.

"Where do you stand on this?" she inquires.

"I never knew," Anakin admits. "They never told me. It... just happened so fast. I'm... too emotionally involved to say."

"It isn't our place to judge the Council," Barriss agrees, "But I – I have questions."

"I know," Anakin reminds, "You've told me before. You don't agree, do you?"

"It seems wrong," she explains as they walk. "Sometimes, I'm afraid of what's happening to the Order. It feels like we're falling from the principles and the Light that we used to hold."

He wants to argue. He wishes he actually could. "I know. It – it's happening. You're right. I just didn't want to see it. But now, I can't help questioning everything I used to think I was fighting for."

"What will you do?" she asks.

"Do?" Anakin repeats, frowning. "What do you mean?"

"The galaxy needs the Jedi. We can't let the Order fall."

"It won't," Anakin assures. "There will always be some of us willing to fight for what's right. No matter how small the numbers are." In truth, he never thought about what he should do, what they should do. All of them. He's not in a situation that he wants to be in. And Barriss is right that ignoring it is wrong, but what could they do?

"I'm not suggesting anything rash, as your... new master would do," Barriss continues, "But perhaps, we could speak to the Council about it?"

Anakin is already shaking his head. "They wouldn't listen. Since Master Windu was lost, it feels like we've been falling even faster. They're the ones who were willing to do this. We... we need to find more people like us. But you're right. We can't sit back. I know some others I can speak to."

"Do that," she requests. "It's good to know I'm not the only one concerned."

"Of course," he agrees. "I suspect there are far more who are asking questions than we realize." He already knows where to start – with the same people who first made him truly start questioning everything. "But if not, what would you do?"

"I don't know. I've... considered leaving the Order, but I cannot abandon my duty."

Anakin winces. He feels the same way. This is the only life they've ever known. They can't leave. People are counting on them. "We do," he tells her, "We can't leave, but maybe... I don't know. We'll figure something out."

"Thank you for taking time."

"Of course."

**w**

Kalifa, Jinx, and O'mer are easy to get ahold of, too, thankfully, despite the war. The three of them formed a close bond that hasn't been broken, despite being back at the Temple, with the rest of the Jedi.

"How've you been?" Anakin asks immediately, because he does not want to talk – or think – about everything Obi-Wan did a moment longer than absolutely necessary.

In some ways, it feels like Obi-Wan is still dead. Like that hasn't worn off yet, because... He just doesn't understand how his former master could've done that. Even if he was willing to apologize afterwards, which is... not something he's ever done before about anything. That doesn't mean Anakin can understand any more than he could before, though. He doesn't know how he could... let this go. He can't. Especially not when it was against everything that he thought the Jedi believed in.

"We're doing fine," Jinx replies, "Adapting back into this life is still hard sometimes, but we're managing."

"In the end, we always survive," Kalifa agrees. "How is it for you?"

"After... what happened," he confesses, "I can't help wondering sometimes. About the Order. I know we were left there for a reason, and that the Council had other more pressing concerns, but I guess it still feels like they abandoned us there. If someone acted sooner, how many people could have been saved?"

"I know what you mean," O'mer concurs, "Sometimes, I'm afraid of being left behind again."

Anakin is, too, but he tries not to think about it. They went through far worse than him, anyway.

"It's been harder than we anticipated," Kalifa adds, "Sometimes, I question if this is really the place for us."

How many others is that true for, and no one realizes it? It seems like Anakin was right, after all, when he told Barriss that he thinks many more might be having questions than they realized. "If you were able to survive there so long, you have the ability to become Jedi Knights," he reminds – testing the waters, prodding to see if he should say more. He just needs to be careful, is all. Not that Anakin doesn't trust them, but he doesn't want to draw unwanted attention, either.

"It's not about... failing," Kalifa replies, "I know we could, but I'm not sure if the Order is the place for me."

"Where else would we go?" Jinx asks, voicing the main reservation Anakin has.

"I don't know. There are... other people in the galaxy who need help, just like we did, that the Order hasn't been able to help," she responds. "There is always a place in the galaxy for us."

"But how could we survive?" O'mer protests. "We don't know anything about the galaxy." He's always been a pessimist, but also, a realist.

"I want to believe there's still good we can do here," Jinx replies, "I'm not ready to leave the Order."

"I haven't left because I don't want to leave you," Kalifa continues, a slight amount of shame flickering into the Force.

"There's nothing wrong with loyalty," Anakin interjects, because he has to. There's not, even if Jedi often view it as attachment. "We're... close because of what we went through. I've seen that with the clones sometimes, too." Like the Bad Batch. Or Domino Squad. And they, because of their training, are much less likely to get attached than Jedi are. Jedi are trained to be compassionate. Clones are trained to be soldiers.

Kalifa gives him a grateful look. "Yes," she agrees, "I guess I just feel like we're... not doing what I thought we were meant to anymore."

"Many are questioning it," Jinx voices, "I've heard the whispers. But we all do what the Council tells us." He's not upset about it; it's just a fact. It is to all of them.

"I can't imagine living any other way," O'mer agrees.

"We don't have to," Anakin reminds. Silently, he agrees with Kalifa. With all of them. He wants to leave, but the thought makes him feel lost. He knows there are people who would pitch in to help him, but that's not want he wants. He's supposed to be helping them. No matter if he's questioning the Council.

He can't leave his duty.

He can't leave the clones, or the friends he has here, no matter how small those numbers may be.

"We can stay," he continues, "And try to make things better."

There's a dark part of Anakin's mind that whispers he just hopes it's possible.

**w**

Ahsoka hasn't had time to talk to Kitster since before... everything. It feels like everything has changed since then. "I don't believe there's a point asking if you are... alright," he murmurs, "How are you... handling it?"

"You heard that Obi-Wan was never dead?" she clarifies. She can't believe he did something like that. She can't believe the Council would either – or yes, she can. She lost faith in them long ago, but never did she expect them to make it so obvious to the galaxy why they can't be trusted anymore. They're betraying their own principles, betraying... everything, really.

"I did," Kitster confirms, "I don't understand. Why would they do something like that, and never even inform those who were... close to him?"

"You know they don't believe in that because of attachment. They didn't even tell Anakin." And in the end, that's what she's most upset about, because they totally ruined the mission that way. And it was completely unnecessary and pointless. Not to mention, downright stupid.

Kitster winces. "How is he doing?"

"Not well. He's... going to stay my padawan. They transferred him to me temporarily, but I'm going to... keep him." And it wasn't until the initial rush of anger and... everything was over, that it started truly sinking in what it would mean to have a padawan. She doesn't really know how to train one and it's going to take a lot of focus and attention, something she doesn't really have time for. But she'll have to find a way to make time, by first figuring out exactly where he is in his training. He's not a young padawan anymore, though – he's more powerful than her, in so many ways – so he shouldn't need an excessive amount of attention. But it's something they'll have to work on. And something she'll have to get used to, and fast.

"I'm... glad," Kitster admits, "You seem happier whenever he's with you."

"Do I?" she asks. It's... true, that she's often more content when with him, except when she's thinking about how it seems like he has so much of what she doesn't. Except he doesn't have Obi-Wan anymore either, because Obi-Wan never really cared about either of them, did he? He would never have done what he did, otherwise.

Not that her "happiness" is really relevant, in the face of her mission or the galaxy, or... anything. But having Anakin close will be... nice.

"You do," Kitster replies, "Do you ever get lonely? I know you don't know many people out there on the front."

Is she? Ahsoka has never truly thought about it before. "I suppose so. Yeah. But I don't have much time to think about it."

"Sometimes, I think you should," Kitster tells her, a faint worry hidden on his face. "It's not fair for you to be alone."

Maybe. She never really thought about it. Never had a reason to. "Jedi are lonely simply by their way of life," Ahsoka points out, "I'm used to it." But still, she is grateful that he's worried for her. It's touching, and she's... not used to it anymore. That's been so foreign.

Has been since she was a padawan, and Obi-Wan worried about her. But Kitster has always tried taking care of her, just like he used to on Tatooine when they were together. He doesn't have a reason to anymore, not like he did there – now, Ahsoka is far more than capable of defending herself – but he will always worry for her, anyway. And sometimes, once in a while, she... finds it oddly relaxing.

"I know you are," he reminds, "I can see that, but still. I worry."

"I know you do," Ahsoka replies, squeezing his hand. "But I'm alright. Maybe I should try to take Anakin here so we can be together sometime."

Something in his expression brightens. "I would like that."

"Then I will," Ahsoka promises. "Living as a Jedi does... get exhausting once in a while."

Maybe he's right, and she could use a break. It almost doesn't feel like the galaxy itself deserves everything she's trying to do for it. But that is selfish, and if Ahsoka doesn't try to fix everything that the galaxy has become, she knows no one else will.

She'll keep trying, obviously. But maybe Kitster is right, just a bit.

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