A/N: Thanks for reading. I want to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter and specifically twilightmom1988forever who went through and reviewed every chapter. Also, I think I said in an author's note that I expected there to be one more chapter before they make it to New York, but I'm not sure if that's still accurate. I had some ideas while finishing this chapter today and depending on how much inspiration comes, there may be more than one chapter between this and New York.

Persist and resist the temptation to ask you:

If one thing had been different. . .

Would everything be different today?

The One - Taylor Swift

Chapter 7: Midnight Rain

It was a simple moment, walking beside him along the snow-kissed dirt road where we'd spent so many days. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I saw a simpler life, one where I never went to New York or anywhere besides where I was right now. One where I was standing next to Jacob as he told me the latest drama in the pack happened every night, as it has for the last four years.

Just entertaining the notion felt like tempting fate. Letting even that small tendril of hope wrap its way around my heart could come back to bite me, figuratively speaking.

I must have gotten too distracted by that random, errant fantasy. It was the only explanation for why I reached up on my toes and pressed my lips to his as if it was still the most natural thing in the world.

A warm hand cupped my cheek and my eyes fluttered open to see Jacob's familiar warm brown eyes staring down at me.

The surge of adrenaline from the simple kiss only lasted a moment before crushing embarrassment and guilt settled in.

"Oh, my God," I gasped, pulling away as quickly as possible. "I'm sorry," I breathed out, stumbling away from him. My hand slid out from his and it was hard not to be disappointed by the sudden chill in my palm.

It was stupid and selfish to kiss him as I did. Letting him think I changed my mind when I was still leaving in a day.

"Bella."

"I'm sorry," I blurted out like a broken record.

"Jesus, Bella, you got to stop apologizing."

"I- sorry," I say again.

I chanced a glance in his direction, seeing his lips twitch with a smirk. The laughter in his deep-set black eyes, the feverish heat of his big hand around mine, the flash of his white teeth against his dark skin, his face stretching into the wide smile that had always been like a key to a secret door where only kindred spirits could enter, and our eyes meet. Usually, we can hold pretty intense conversations through eye contact but right now, I'm not entirely sure what he is trying to say. That's probably because I don't know what I'm trying to say either.

"What?" He asked me.

"Nothing," I say before turning away and grabbing my coat tighter around me, "It's just," I don't even know what it is.

Warm lips crashed down on mine, the kiss, far more than the quick peck I had given him moments ago.

I moaned as the length of his body pressed against me, whimpering when he pulled just a fraction of an inch away to catch his breath. A warm hand cupped my cheek and my eyes fluttered open. I had expected to see Jake's warm brown, almost black, eyes locked in mine like they had so many times, not the faded white popcorn ceiling of my room.

I wake with a start, my heart beating fast. I guess that was better than my usual nightmare.

It came like a postcard: Picture perfect, shiny family, holiday, peppermint candy. . .

But for him, it's every day. So I peered through a window.

A deep portal, time travel, all the love we unravel, and the life I gave away.

'Cause he was sunshine, I was midnight rain.

He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain.

He wanted a bride. . . He stayed the same.

All of me changed like midnight.

Midnight Rain - Taylor Swift

For one brief, never-ending second, an entirely different path expanded behind the lids of my tear-wet eyes. As if I were looking at the reel of an old movie, with no sound, and a slightly shaky picture. I could almost hear the "click, click, click" of a projector. I could see exactly what I was going to give up, what I could never have. I could see Charlie and Renée mixed into a strange collage with Billy and Sam and La Push. A small wooden house by the coast, flowers in the window boxes, a wreath on the door. I could see years passing, and meaning something as they passed, changing me. I could see the enormous red-brown wolf that I loved, always standing as a protector if I needed him. For the tiniest fragment of a second, I saw the bobbing heads of two small, black-haired children, running away from me into the familiar forest. When they disappeared, they took the rest of the vision with them.

All these thoughts of the maybes and could-have-been weren't helping anything. It's not like I could have this if I stayed, deep down I know that. I wouldn't bring innocent kids into my world, I couldn't condemn them to my fate that is inevitable. If Jake stays a wolf he won't age and I will

Why was I feeling so sentimental?

Instinctively, I knew that this tear in my heart would always ache. That this pain was just going to be a part of me now. I forced myself out of the warm comfort of my bed and opened the curtains first to let light in and then the windows to air the room out. I'd shut them when the undisputed storm rolled in. There would be one, I'm sure. There always was.

I sit on the floor of my room, and I felt numb. Most everything was packed, save for my clothes I was planning to wear on the plane tomorrow. It's what I'm wearing today and planning to wash it once I get back home to hopefully get most of the werewolf smell out. I button up a flannel of Charlie's over my sweater on my way out the door.

I took the packages to the post office, using the address Alice gave me since I couldn't ship them to a school I wasn't going to. After Charlie helped me pack the two boxes under a tarp in the bed of my truck he had to leave for work. I told him I could handle this on my own, no one to catch me in the lie if I'm alone.

I was torn between wanting to stay here with my Father and Jake and the other part wanting an end to this constant worry and sorrow like the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head.

I find myself looking up the weather for Ithaca, my mind unable to stop wondering how much time I'll have left once we're there. Alice said the Volturi would come once there was no longer snow on the ground, I still have time.

Normal hadn't been part of my life in a really fucking long time, and my decision to find some kind of normalcy after all of this shit was sounding better by the day.

Forks was really the quintessential tiny town, it went all out for the holidays, something I didn't really appreciate before Phoenix. I couldn't help but smile at the lights on the trees and bows on the lampposts around the town center. Like a Hallmark movie, it was hard not to smile at all of the little details.

I pay extra attention to the road the further I drive from town, snow piled up on the sides of the road from when the snowplow came through earlier this morning.

All of the little things made me want to stay and I have to constantly remind myself why I'm leaving. Why I can't stay. I'm not happy, I haven't been happy since they all left. . . But I know I could make Jake happy.

God all this back and forth was giving me a migraine! I let my mind go back down this rabbit hole and now my stomach is all in knots. Again.

Another minute goes by and I'm passing the first house on the reservation, Jake's house already in sight. I knock once on the faded red door before I let myself in, my eyes immediately locking with Jake's.

He jumps up from the couch, and I know if it was a few days ago that I would be in his arms already but this time he smiles before inviting me in.

He offers to take the bag from where I have it slung over my shoulder. "Bella," he says my name with a warmth that only he has.

"Merry Christmas, Jake."

"Not that I'm not glad to see you, but why are you here?"

"I wanted to see you," the truth, "and I have Christmas presents for everyone."

"Oh! I have yours, too." I watch as he goes to the little tree in the corner that I helped decorate this year. He had strung the lights without a need for a ladder while I hung the ornaments. Billy was there too, of course, telling us that the lights weren't straight and the ornaments were in the wrong place. He takes a small red plaid-wrapped present from under the tree, the same wrapping paper that adorns his present because we went shopping together. He weighs it in his hands as he comes closer.

Part of me looks at Jake and I want nothing more than to tell him everything. . . but I know if I start, if I want him to be alive and safe and happy, even if it's without me, then I need to keep my thoughts to myself right now.

"I found something out yesterday you might want to know," I tell him as he places the present in my hands. I hand him his slightly bigger present and he sits on the floor at my feet to open it.

He looks up, his eyes full of questions.

I want to keep things light, not address the elephant in the room. "Remember how we were talking about the twelve days of Christmas song?"

"Oh God, I mean any amount of wild birds is illegal to give as a present. Leah looked it up to shut us up the other day, but what now?"

"Five golden rings are not in fact referring to 5 literal golden rings, but to five ring-necked pheasants."

"Pheasants?"

"More birds."

He laughs with a familiar brightness in his eyes but sees through my attempt to keep things light. We haven't talked about it yet, not really "So how are you, really?"

"I'm fine," the words I've said many times before are falling on deaf ears, Jake knows me too well to believe me. "Really, I'm fine," I insist. I'm not sure if I'm trying to convince him or myself, probably a combination of both.

He motions to the still-wrapped present resting in my hands. "I can't take it back. I didn't get it from the store — I made it myself. Took a really long time, too."

I peel back the tape, removing the paper in one piece instead of the shreds Jake ripped his wrapping paper into. A small jewelry box sits in my hand and I can't help but remember the last small jewelry box that was presented to me.

When I don't move to open it fast enough, Jake reaches over and takes it from me. He opens it, turning it over so something silver falls into my hand. Metal links clinked quietly against each other.

"I didn't make the bracelet," he admitted. "Just the charm."

Fastened to one of the links of the silver bracelet was a tiny wooden carving. I held it between my fingers to look at it closer. It was amazing the amount of detail involved in the little figurine — the miniature wolf was utterly realistic. It was even carved out of some red-brown wood that matched the color of his skin.

"It's beautiful," I whispered. "You made this? How?"

He shrugged. "It's something Billy taught me. He's better at it than I am."

"That's hard to believe," I murmured, turning the tiny wolf around and around in my fingers. "I've spent almost every day with you the last few years, when did you have the time? When did you practice?"

"I have secrets, too, Bells."

"Ha ha."

"Do you really like it?"

"Yes! It's unbelievable, Jake."

He smiled, happily at first, but then the expression soured. "Well, I figured that maybe it would make you remember me once in a while. You know how it is, out of sight, out of mind."

I ignored the sudden attitude change. "Here, help me put it on."

I held out my left wrist, and he fastened the catch easily, though it looked too delicate for his big fingers to manage.

"You'll wear it?" he asked.

"Of course, I will."

He grinned at me — it was the happy smile that I loved to see him wear.

"So when did you have the time to do this?"

"Oh you know, I've had a lot of free time recently, being single and all."

"You made this in a week?" I was dubious.

"Paul's basically moved in, I needed some sort of distraction before I broke his nose. . . again."

"Again?!"

He leans back, rolling his eyes. "It was nothing, Rachel was mad enough for everyone."

"Apparently rightfully so if you broke Paul's nose."

"He was here, okay? Lounging on the couch with the last bag of chips, making a big fucking mess by the way. He was goading me, stood up, and said I could get one free punch and he wouldn't tell my sister. . . So I broke his nose."

"But Rachel found out anyways?" I assume.

He shrugs. "His nose healed in seconds but he had blood on his shirt."

"You'll have to learn to get along, he's your brother, and not just because he's with Rachel."

"It's a lot easier to put up with Paul when we're not the only ones there, we need a buffer."

"Sure, sure. Whatever you say, Jake." It's hard to fight with that smile on his face.

"So can I open my gift now?"

"It's not as good as yours," I warned him but he waved me off.

It wasn't something deeply personal like his gift but it was a reminder of one of the better memories we've had lately. All of the Pack who were in serious relationships went away to a cabin near Cape Flattery for a long weekend. It was Sam, Emily, Jared, Kim, Leah, and her girlfriend Alexis. We had spent hours playing games and lounging on the coast, but the thing we always went back to was a dartboard that Jared pinned a little vampire voodoo doll to.

"No way," Jake laughs as he unwraps the dartboard, the backboard containing little vampire drawings.

"So you can look at it and remember that weekend," I tell him, my face warming with a blush.

At the sound of his laugh, a thousand memories spun in my head, tangling together- a rocky beach strewn with driftwood trees, a garage made of plastic sheds, warm sodas in a paper bag, a tiny room with one too-small shabby loveseat.

And if my wishes came true, it would've been you.

In my defense, I have none.

For never leaving well enough alone.

But it would've been fun, if you would've been the one.

The One - Taylor Swift

It felt so impossible to tell him goodbye, to think this would be the last time I would be here sitting with him on his couch — because I love him. Too. I loved him, much more than I should, and yet, still nowhere near enough. I love him but it was not enough to change anything; it was only enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever had.

"You don't want me," I tell him, my voice is like a broken record. To remember that there was once a time I said these very words for a very different reason, desperate for an answer to my whispered words that would be different than the one that eventually came.

"How do you know what I want?"

"Because I know me," I whisper back.

"I do, too. I know you as well as I know myself. I know where you grew up, I know your family. Bella, you know everything about me, too, you've been the single closest, most important person I've had in my life for the last five years."

"I just wanted to-" God I don't even know how to put my intentions into words.

"I know what you wanted to do. Your need to protect everyone, put yourself in the line of fire so no one else gets hurt. . . It's something I simultaneously love and hate about you." He said all the right things. That was what he did. He always said the right things. But he deserved some wonderful woman. One who was better for him. One who did not always have some horrible life problem that he needed to help her, someone he didn't have to hold together.

"I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balance out the clouds nicely for me."

He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with a fucking eclipse." He's silent for a moment, looking out the window at the snow before he exhales audibly; his hands are clenching his thighs and to someone who doesn't know him as well as I do, he might look angry.

He's not. If he was tremors would be tearing through him and he is as still as a mountain.

He's trying with everything he has, not to touch me, to keep his distance. Underneath all the anger and the sarcasm, Jacob was in pain. Right now, it was very clear in his eyes. I didn't know how to help him, but I knew I had to try. It was more than what I owed him. It was because his pain hurt me, too.

"I just think this is a mistake."

"It might be, Jake. It could be a mistake or a blessing, or an opportunity but I'm still leaving." I tell him. "You don't understand. You don't understand why I'm walking away, why I have to leave-" he cuts me off.

"You're right, I don't understand."

I sigh as I stand up, not able to bare having this conversation again right now. "I should get going, I have to meet Charlie for dinner."

"Leaving already? You just got here."

"You can still drive me tomorrow, right?"

"I'll be there."

I point to the other presents still wrapped in my bag, "can you pass those out for me, too? I can't handle any more goodbyes."

A flurry of knocks comes from the front door as we both stand up. Jacob walks around the back of the couch to get by me, opening the door as they knocked again. Emily and Sue are at the door, Sue's hands full as Emily pushes past Jake to run (or waddle) to the bathroom. Being almost eight months pregnant has its downsides.

"Oh, Bella. We haven't seen you around lately." Sue mentions.

I shrug, wondering if she's as angry with me as everyone else claims not to be. I couldn't blame them, I turned down Jake's proposal and am leaving everyone so it's not like I don't deserve it. "I've been busy, packing and stuff. I actually have to get going, I'm meeting my Dad for dinner."

Emily comes out before I make it to the door, hugging Jake and sitting down at the table.

"What are you guys doing over here? Not that I don't love the intrusion." Jake asks, walking over to the counter where Sue placed some covered dishes.

"Dropping off some food for you guys." She says, batting his hand away as he tried to eat some,

For years now we had all gotten together once a month or so to cook big batches of food and sauces to divvy up between the Pack. I shouldn't be surprised they got together without me. I just wish I knew last month would have been my last time, I would have tried to savor it.

I follow Sue outside after I say my goodbyes, my new bracelet a comfortable weight on my wrist. "You look like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, dear," she said. "It's not a burden one person can bear."

I don't know what to say so I change the subject. "Can you check in on Charlie every once in a while, make sure he's not eating at the diner every night?"

"We all will, I promise." She hugs me tightly, the closest thing to a mother I've had these past few years. She looked like she wanted to say more but we both looked at the open front door and knew Jake was too close. If he knew the real reasons for my departure he might stop me from leaving.

"I'll miss you, Sue, thank you for everything."

Her warm hand cups my cheek and I feel tears welling up in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. There was a weight behind everything she didn't say.

When we pull apart from one last hug she reaches for something in her car, turning to hand me a brown paper bag and I know it's filled with Harry's fish fry, Charlie's favorite. "For your Dad."

I catch sight of Jake leaning against the open door, still in only jean shorts even though it was below freezing out after I climb into the can of my truck. "I'll see you tomorrow."

And it would've been sweet if it could've been me.

In my defense, I have none - for digging up the grave another time.

But it would've been fun if you would've been the one.

The One - Taylor Swift

A/N: So what do you think? Please Review :)