A/N: I am so overwhelmed by the abundance of reviews I got for the last chapter! Still smiling a week later. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. I'd also like to mention the anonymous review that seemed to get exactly what I was going for in writing this. I read that review and I felt the joy of like an English teacher having a student find a deeper meaning in a poem or something.

I changed colleges and am trying to write whenever I can. This chapter is roughly ten pages and 4400 words. Rest assured I fully plan on finishing this story and put a question about the path of the next chapter at the end of this one, so please review and let me know what you think.

TLTYLF CH 11 - Treading Water

Reality will break your heart.

Survival will not be the hardest part.

It's keeping all your hopes alive;

When all the rest of you has died.

26 - Paramore

It's easy to look back and romanticize the few months Edward and I shared together. We barely knew each other, yet the love felt so deep. With Jacob, over three years together, looking back I see so much that didn't work, how hard I was trying to make myself feel what I felt when I was with Edward. I've grown since then, in a way where I can now look back and see what parts obviously weren't working, and how our lack of communication played such a big role in everything with Edward. Still, I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way ever again, but I don't know if I should.

I was starting to realize that Jake had pulled the surface together, but the wound was as fresh and raw as ever under the surface. I was still broken and yet, he stood there, his beautiful eyes still focused on me and I felt closer to being healed than I ever had before even if I wouldn't let myself cross the threshold.

My head tried in vain to process two very real voices. Edward's beautiful voice, the voice that excited and calmed me, the voice that I wished to hear, even after he left, so much so that I purposely put myself in danger, called to me in my mind. Two voices, one that laid out my deepest insecurities and fears, and the one that stood before me now saying it had all been a lie. One was telling me that he lied, that he loved me, that he only did what he had that terrible day in the forest to protect me. The other remembered the cruel way he spoke to me, the empty yet resolved expression on his face, and the way that he ran from me, leaving me alone in the thick cover of trees behind Charlie's home. Both voices belonged to Edward and they were a complete contradiction to each other.

I could feel real pain, deep in my chest, as that hole, the one that Jacob helped to patch but had never healed, tore wide open. My hands moved to my chest, certain that I would discover my insides as exposed as I felt.

I was treading water with land nowhere in sight.

"In the ocean, I'm drowning. . .

Watching the world from the sidelines.

Had nothing to prove 'til you came into my life.

Gave me something to lose."

Sidelines - Phoebe Bridgers

Night had turned back into day without me noticing.

While on the inside the pretty frost dusting everything within sight looked picturesque, outside, the cold bit deep in your bones with an embrace of teeth-chattering shivers.

Before long I realized the time, and how much of it had passed. It had been twelve hours (plus the time change) since we landed, so I shouldn't have been surprised when my phone rang.

"Hello?" I should have called him earlier.

"Morning Bells, I haven't heard from you, wanted to make sure you're still breathing."

I let out a fake laugh at his words. "I'm fine, Dad."

"You sure? You sound different."

"Yeah," I said, taken back. "I'm fine." And I was. Fine. Not great. Not happy, really. Just fine. "I just finished unpacking most of my stuff. I went to Target last night and picked up a salad from the cafeteria here. I'm going back to bed soon, I'm exhausted." The last part wasn't a lie as I said it through a yawn. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. Add that to the time difference and it was as good an excuse as any, I tell myself.

"Well, I won't keep you long then." He says. "Call me later on, if you can."

"I will, Dad," I promise before we say goodbye.

I want to tell him the truth, now more than ever so he knows I'll be okay, but I know I can't.

I can't dwell on the fact that today was the last day I'd ever see him. The phone calls would only last so long before those would end, too.

We were quiet once the phone went silent. I walked a few steps away toward the French doors leading to the backyard. It was dark, and the light from the living room only bled so far. The sun hadn't risen enough to light the dusk surrounding us under the towering trees.

I stepped outside, my mind as turbulent as the winter weather.

It was freezing outside. I'd never really thought about what the weather would be like in upstate New York in early winter and I realized too late that I didn't bring my jacket out with me. I couldn't care less about the weather, though, there was always a much bigger storm brewing inside.

I knew someone was following me, though not sure who, but I could guess. They kept their distance for now, and I was thankful for the brief reprieve Charlie's call gave me.

"It's freezing out here," his voice broke the calm silence around us as he continued, "are you cold?"

After a few moments of silence, I turned to him and asked curtly, "you're asking me about the weather?"

He chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah. . . I guess I am. I'm sorry, I just don't really know what to say."

Bubbling just under the surface I felt the ball of dread, just lying dormant in my stomach. I knew I was only putting off the inevitable but I just wasn't ready.

Lost in my thoughts of pretense I didn't realize that Edward had moved away. It wasn't until I felt the warmth of the throw he placed around my shoulders that I noticed he must have gone to the house for a blanket.

I smiled, but my smile was only skin deep. "Thanks" I whispered.

A sudden gust of wind whispered through the trees, ruffling the snow from their many branches and into the air.

His face was devoid of any telling emotions as he regarded me for a minute. "Do you want me to leave?"

I knew, for my sanity I should say yes. . . but if I could've done it before, I couldn't do it now. So the minutes passed by as I struggled to answer him, not knowing how, not even wanting to. Of course I don't want you to leave. How could I ever want that when you're finally back in my life? I love you. If only he could read my mind right now.

"I thought you promised Esme you wouldn't?" Some vague fragment of a conversation from before, when he was telling me about his rebellious period came to mind.

"I did. . . But if you need me to-" he signed, frustrated as he ran a hand through his hair. "I didn't give you a choice before and we didn't really give you a choice in coming here. If you want or need me to not be here, I will do whatever you wish. You deserve the chance to make a decision here."

I was so used to Edward being sure of himself and in charge in every situation. I was the one who was always nervous and unsure. I was the one who never felt like I was really good enough. I had to admit part of me was enjoying being on a bit more of a level playing field with Edward.

The snow fluttered to the ground around us. I pulled the throw tighter around me as I looked past him, unseeing. Even now, four years later, there were times I felt like at any moment I'd break apart again, the pieces blowing away like snow in the wind.

It was another minute until we retired inside. Esme coaxed a cup of warm tea into my hands, and I sipped it distractedly as I stared at the flames dancing in the fireplace.

Our conversations, both mine with Edward and the rest of the Cullens, used to come easily, like water flowing down a calm stream. Yet now I had no idea what to say to him, and I was beginning to suspect he shared my uneasiness.

Every time I opened my mouth it felt like I couldn't breathe, my mouth dry as I struggled to find words to fill the silence.

Carlisle sensed my unease and spoke when I struggled to turn my thoughts into a coherent sentence.

"I want to start out by thanking you for coming. I understand how much you've given up to be here and we don't take that lightly." He says, his voice sure and strong. It was the voice of the leader of the family.

"Why am I here, Carlisle?" That's what it all came down to, right? We could only avoid the elephant in the room for so long.

"We've brought you here, Bella, because this is the only way we can continue. Alice sees the Volturi coming early Spring, which puts us on a time limit regarding your change."

"I know we've kind of glossed over this but-" I pause, unsure how to word my thoughts.

"But?" Carlisle prompts.

"But why, uh, why do the Volturi care? Why would they do Victoria's bidding?"

"The Volturi are the, um, unspoken rulers of our world. There aren't many laws we must abide by, but they are important for everyone to follow." Carlisle explains.

"Like what? Not telling a human what you are? Because you didn't tell me, I guessed and Edward just didn't deny it."

"They don't care for technicalities, Bella. Before I joined the Cullens I saw thousands murdered for attracting the attention of those around us. Entire covens wiped out." Jasper adds, his deep voice had an almost haunting-like quality.

"We revealed our secret and left you human. Victoria's plan is to bring this to their attention." Carlisle finishes.

I let his words settle in the air around us, my tired brain struggling to make sense of it all. "So you change me and I'm a vampire. . . What's to say this is the end?" I ask after a pause. "I know Victoria, pretty well by this point. Better than most of you, if I'm being honest. She won't stop. She won't give up." In my imagination, Victoria's eyes were black with thirst, bright with anticipation, and her lips curled back from her gleaming teeth in pleasure as her cat-like features focused on me. Her red hair was as brilliant as fire; it blew chaotically around her wild face, the world coming to a stop around her.

"She'd be stupid, with a death wish to come up against our coven," Emmett interjects, breaking me from my memory.

"She had no quarrel about coming up against a pack of werewolves," I mutter.

Carlisle sighs. "I spent over half a century living with the Volturi, Bella. I believe if they find she was lying, that you aren't human, they will, for lack of a better term, dispose of her."

That was something, at least. She wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else. She wouldn't hurt the ones I love. ". . . So where are we doing this?"

"I think we should talk first. I want to explain-" Edward starts, speaking up for the first time since we came back inside.

I cut him off. "If you don't want me, if you're still against changing me, then why bother bringing me here?"

"I want you here. We all want you here." He claims.

I look around the room at the Cullens I haven't been traveling with. They all nod in agreement, even Rosalie. "What changed? Why now? Is it because the constant danger I've been in affects you now?"

"No, of course not," Edward says.

"You've been a part of this family since the day Edward brought you home," Esme interjects.

"And you've been my sister since the day I saw you deciding to move to Forks," Alice adds.

"You belong here, just as much as every one of us." Carlisle insisted, gesturing to his family around us.

"Bella no one here is going to kill you, regardless of your reasoning." Alice chirped, laughing off my concerns and wishes.

"I really don't see the difference, Alice. If I'm not going to be changed then I'm just waiting for the Volturi to kill me. I imagine you would make it as painless as possible." Was the skepticism and pessimism in my voice as obvious to them as it was to me? Edward could see as well as I could that all time had done was deepen my wounds, not heal them.

Beneath my bitter façade, there remained a small part of me that wanted to fall back into their world. To love them and let them love me back. The thought terrified me.

I tried to hide it, but my voice unmistakably spoke of sadness, of happiness thrown away. The sadness was reflected in their eyes, and in everything I did. I had spent many interminable hours of my nights trying to figure out how I could have kept Edward from leaving me so long ago before I came to the realization that nothing could have made him stay if he didn't want to.

Over the past few years, it felt like I was looking at myself from the perspective of an outsider. I could see how empty I was, could see how his departure had ripped something from my chest that could not be replaced. . . I felt entirely powerless against whatever supernatural forces had turned me inside out.

"Edward?" I spoke, and he looked up from staring at our hands to meet my eyes. "If I asked you to change me, would you?" I could see the minute change in Edward's suddenly tense demeanor.

"Are you asking?" He replied and I wasn't sure if I was amused or annoyed at him answering a question with a question.

"Maybe," I tried to shrug like it was no big deal, but I was sure my hammering heartbeat had given me away.

"I could never deny you anything, Bella, not again. . . So if you asked. . . Yes, I would say yes."

"You'd change me out of guilt, then?" I replied, and I watched as his face morphed into one of horror. I knew that wasn't what he meant but I was still curious to see his response.

"No, I would do it because you asked. I would do anything for you, Bella. Anything. I can't lose you again, whether it be because of your humanity or some supernatural force."

"As long as I'm human, you hold the true power. No matter what you say." I watched him stiffen, but I didn't back down. "You can change your mind and leave me at any time, and I wouldn't be able to do or say anything about it. Do you know how your constant refusals made me feel? You wouldn't listen to me, you wrote me off like I could never love you as you loved me like I didn't realize the gravity of my decisions. You should have known I would choose five mere minutes with you over a lifetime with anyone else."

His expression was inscrutable, but I counted the lack of immediate refusal as a good sign. He sighed after a moment, his dark eyes locked in mine. "Never think that I was ever against this because I don't want you," he said, "I want you. I want you like me, indestructible, immortal. I really do. I just think you deserve better than this half-life, I still do."

"Part of me read your letter and hears you now and wants to believe you, but another part of me can't help but feel like you've been put into a position where you don't have a choice in the matter."

"In truth, there's nothing I want more in the world than to have you by my side forever, Bella. It just feels like the most selfish thing I have ever wanted."

What is happening to me?

I don't wanna live forever, 'cause I know I'll be living in vain.

And I don't wanna fit wherever,

I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home.

I Don't Wanna Live Forever - Taylor Swift Ft. Zayn

I stay silent, not sure how to respond to his declaration. ". . . But it's not about you," I remind him.

Silence blankets the room.

When neither of us continues I turn to Alice. "How much time do I have, Alice?"

"We don't have to change you tonight if that's what you're asking. I still don't have a definite date but a few days shouldn't make a difference." She assures me.

I chew on my lip as I process her words. "Um," I broke the silence, looking towards Alice as she stood from her spot in Jasper's arms to come to my side.

"You must be exhausted." She said. "We have a room set up for you."

I nodded, thankful. "Traveling is always taxing," not counting everything else I've been through today. The sun rising over the mountains in the distance glaringly reminds my body that I haven't slept for almost 24 hours. My body was screaming for rest in a way I didn't want to put off any longer.

I followed Alice up the stairs, not bothering to exchange pleasantries with anyone on my way because this whole thing was too exhausting for my sleep-deprived brain to process.

I was thankful for the few extra days I didn't think I'd have, assuming the change would take place today or tomorrow at the latest. But I guess there was no real rush if the Volturi weren't coming until the snow was gone.

Alice walks me to the third floor, noting Carlisle's office and pointing out Edward's room before stopping at an unassuming oak door that looked no different than the others we passed on our way.

"Here's your room. We left it pretty plain so you could decorate it how you want." I nodded at her words. She points to another set of doors, "Jasper put your bags in there."

I noted the few boxes I had sent were against a wall across from a wide window with a window seat. A big four-poster bed stood in the center of the room, with cream sheets and a fluffy duvet that compliments the light sage on the walls.

"This is the bathroom. You have a tub and shower. Rose stocked it with hopefully everything you need. Feel free to look around, this space is yours."

"Thanks, Alice."

"There's a lock on the door if you want it, whatever makes you feel the most comfortable."

"Nothing about this is comfortable, Alice, but I appreciate the gesture."

"We'll give you the grand tour later, you need rest." She smiles, kissing my cheek before leaving out the door and closing it behind her.

I stand in the middle of the room, too tired to decide what I want to do first. So much has happened today that I can't even begin to process it. I'm equally torn between my bed and a bath and finally decide on the bath to get the grime of the plane off.

It's a giant tub, nestled inside the huge shower stall, cool gray tile covering almost every surface. I search for all the products Alice had said Rose stocked, and find some calming bubble bath that I use to generously fill the tub.

I head back to what I guess is now my room as the tub fills up.

Knowing it is more of a psychological barrier than a real one that could stop a vampire, I lock the door before I grab a pair of sweats and a shirt from my luggage. I draw the curtains closed against the sun in the sky hidden behind some clouds.

I leave my wrist brace on the counter, the pain flaring up without the support the brace had been offering. It woke me up and helped me see clearly.

The tub is ginormous and big enough to comfortably fit at least two people. A sigh escapes my lips as I settle into the warmth.

My eyes are too tired to form any more tears for today.

Of course, I think of Edward, something that happens more than I'd ever admit, even to myself.

Because in spite of everything, even though I was pissed, broken, empty. . . and dark. Even though at times I hate him. . . I still love him.

I couldn't help it.

I lean my head back into the water and scoot down until my entire body is submerged. For just a moment, only a second, I think about how I don't want to come up for air again.

But finding me, now, like this wouldn't solve any of the problems I'm trying to protect the ones I love from. If I'm not there when the Volturi come they will come after me, and if they can't find me they'll go after the ones I love. It would have been so easy to give into the pain – to fall into the pit of darkness and let it swallow me whole.

The pain in my chest was as present as ever, if not worse.

I was finally starting to realize that Jake had pulled the surface together, but the wound was as fresh and raw as ever under the surface. I was still broken and yet, Edward had stood there, his beautiful eyes still focused on me and I felt closer to being healed than I ever had before, even if I wouldn't let myself cross the threshold.

My mind was struggling to wrap around the fact that He had unilaterally decided to take himself out of my life for my own good. He took away what I loved most. He tore my heart from my chest, leaving behind only emptiness and devastation. And at the end of the day, all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put me back together because not all the pieces were still there.

Something cracked inside me, and I'm afraid of what will happen if that crack grows and the carefully built walls inside me start to crumble.

Right or not, regardless of the reasoning, they left. Whether it was wrong or not, it happened. . . And there's nothing I could do that could prevent it from happening again. . . I think that's what bothers me the most, nobody can promise me with absolute certainty that it won't happen again tomorrow or the day after.

As tired as I was, I still dreaded the nightmare I knew was coming. No doubt that the emotional reunion would trigger the worst of it. I would see his sad yet perfect face as I did every night. I'd feel the chill of the forest around me and hear his cold and detached final words to me, repeating like an echo in a haunting rhythm:

"You're not good for me. . ." Feeding my insecurity. "It will be as if I never existed." My greatest fear was realized. "My kind, we're very easily distracted." The words blur my vision with jealousy.

"Goodbye, Bella. Take care of yourself."

Six words. Nine syllables nearly broke me.

I would feel all over again the gaping hole his words and his absence left in my chest. My heart would burn with remembered pain, regret, and raw and righteous anger.

How dare he.

How dare he use my fears and insecurities against me! How dare he decide unilaterally that he and his whole family should leave me - abandon me - in some misguided attempt to protect me.

There was a quote that stuck with me, something that I caught in passing while reading: "How could she bear to think that he had loved her and yet destroyed her anyway?" It was from Our Violent Ends by Chloe Gong, and it seemed fitting. He loved me but he left. He loved me so he broke me into a million little pieces.

I was treading water again, barely able to keep myself at the surface of the endless ocean in my mind. Everything I bottled up, everything I wouldn't let myself feel I couldn't seem to hold back any longer. Poor Jasper was probably going through it right now at my expense.

You left like an assassin, maybe that's for the best.

'Cause if you'd told me what would happen, I think I would've begged.

So you got to be a coward and I salvaged a little self-respect.

Yeah, I know that you did bad, but if one more person says it, I might go mad.

Yeah, I know it didn't last and what was cheap to you, to me was all I had.

The issue is I know all of this now. . .

And I, I still want you back.

Want You Back - Maisie Peters

A/N: Okay so I have a question, I was originally planning on the majority of this story to just be Bella's POV with maybe an outtake or two in Jacob'sPOV. My question is if you'd be interested in having another Cullen's POV on Bella's arrival and all it revealed (i.e.: the conversations when Bella isn't in the room) or would you rather I just keep going with Bella's POV? I have both options partially written but want to know what you'd like to see first and which Cullen you'd be interested in hearing from.

Please Review and let me know!