Episode 32: Space Roller Derby
Bessie, Ben and Happy are sitting in the grandstands of the roller derby room watching videos of roller derbies on Earth.
Bessie: These roller derbies are amazing.
Ben: Yeah. It's been a while since we've seen one on Earth. But although I do wish that I would be in one.
Bessie: I could train you.
Ben: Ehh...
Colonel Rawls enters.
Colonel Rawls: I see you've discovered the Roller Derby room.
Ben: Yeah. It's our first time in here.
Colonel Rawls: I'm glad you like it. In fact, some of the best roller derby athletes from across the galaxy are gonna be competing here in this event called "The Interstation Roller Derby."
Bessie: That's awesome!
Ben: I want to compete!
Colonel Rawls: You have to pass rookie orientation in order to do that.
Ben: Oh...
Bessie: So who's gonna compete?
Tanner: Some of my members!
Colonel Rawls: Tanner!
Happy growls angrily.
Tanner: Some of my young personnel are professional roller derby athletes, and we have won the last 7 roller derbies here on your home turf! When was the last time you won? 2016 or something?
He laughs.
Colonel Rawls: You won't be laughing when we beat you again, just like in the Interstation 5000 and the Asteroid Coaster 500!
Tanner: Oh please! I won't lose like the last 2 times! But don't worry. I'll be taking home the trophy again!
Ben: Well, I'm gonna be competing in this event, and you're going down! I've always wanted to be a Roller Derby star and I'm gonna make sure you eat those words!
After a bit of silence, Tanner and his personnel laugh hard and walked away.
Tanner: That's for girls only, fool!
He laughs hard and Rawls facepalmed.
Bessie: I'll train my brother and he'll pass the rookie orientation.
Colonel Rawls: Okay. We gotta beat Tanner again and get that roller derby trophy back to its home turf, which is here in the Space Tree!
Bessie: Yes Sir! Ben, you ready?
Ben: Yeah. It's time for a training montage!
Bessie: Aw yeah!
(Play Nowhere to Run by Martha Reeves & The Vandellas for this section.)
The song plays on Bessie's Zune as Ben enters the track with Space Tree roller derby clothing. He starts roller skating around the track, but in a slow pace. Bessie then called Ben and he approach her. They then watch some videos about Earth Roller Derbies. Ben continues to roller skate around the track and starts going even faster. Later that night, Bessie teaches Ben the fundamentals of Roller Derbies. She shows him her roller derby badge, and then puts it up seconds later. They return to the roller derby room and Ben continues his training. He goes even faster than the normal speed of a roller derby competitor. After a whole week of training, Ben was ready.
Ben: I'm ready.
It was time for the competition and the best roller derby athletes from around the galaxy are all gathered to race around the track.
Bessie: My brother's in this.
Portia: Really?
Gwen: Well, he's gonna die.
Announcer: Today is the 27th annual Interstation Roller Derby. All the greatest roller derby athletes are gonna race around here in the Space Tree. It's Space Tree Vs Space Bush and here's something interesting. There is only one boys competing in this event and he's from Earth. His name is Ben Higgenbottom. Will the only boy in this competition win against his all female competitors? Let's find out.
Bessie: Come on Ben! You got this!
Peppermint Patty: Ben, you may be the only boy in this competition, but I believe in you.
Millie (South Park): Yeah. We volunteered to do this so we can help you.
Lynn: Yeah. We're gonna kick Space Bush's ass!
Rita: (From a distance) Language, Junior!
Toots: Are you ready to win?
Ben: Yes. Time to do this. (He sees two kids from the Space Bush flipping the bird at him.) Oh no.
Tom whistles as he waves at Toots romantically, and it grossed out Jerry.
Toots: Save it for after the competition, Tom.
The light goes out and they all go to start 60 minutes around the track. After 30 minutes, they will take a break and have another break.
Bessie: Go Ben!
They all go around the small roller derby track and complete the first lap. They continues to make their way around the track. Ben was falling behind into last place.
Call Girl: This is a girl dominated sport. I don't think Ben can win it.
Lipstick Girl: Yeah.
Bessie: You saw what Harold Jackson did back in 1985 when he did competed in an event like this. He took down his opponents from the other team.
Portia: Your brother is nothing like Harold Jackson.
Gwen: Yeah.
25 minutes later, they have already reached the 5 minute to go mark of the 1st period and everybody was pushing and shoving each other.
Peppermint Patty: Step off!
She bumps Space Bush's female member down and she gets up and continues on.
Ben: Oh god! This is literally crazy!
Bessie: Ben! Remember our training! You gotta win! You may be the only boy in this event, but I believe in you!
Ben: You're right. (Comes back around in front of the stands where Bessie is.) Thanks for the advice!
Bessie: You're welcome! The training song I used. I gotta plug up my Zune so he can concentrate. (She then left her seat and then searches for something to plug it in.) Now where is it?
Moments later, the 1st period ended with Space Tree and Space Bush tied with 36 points each.
Peppermint Patty: My god that was a lot of work.
Ben: Yeah. You said it.
Their opponents approach them.
Space Bush Girl 1: You all should just quit now, because you have a boy on your team!
Space Bush Girl 2: Yeah! And he's a little fat, like that kid over there in the stands!
The Coon: I'm not fat, you stupid Space Bush bitches!
Space Bush Girl 3: Whatever! Anyways, you all might as well just give up because you are never gonna win with a boy on your team!
They all laugh and walked away.
Millie (South Park): We may have a boy on our team, but we're still gonna win this.
With Rawls and Tanner...
Tanner: My team is gonna win at your home turf again, Rawls!
Colonel Rawls: We'll see about that! My team has won against you twice before and we'll do it again!
Tanner: With that boy on your team, I seriously doubt it!
He laughs while Rawls growls.
After the break was up, the 2nd 30 minute period has begun. All the competitors
Professor Chaos: I'm rooting for our home terf.
For the next 10 minutes, everyone was getting aggressive while Ben was trying to avoid them.
Ben: Oh no! I gotta do something!
Bessie: Ben! I found the thing to plug up my Zune! The training song we played will help you win this!
Ben: Okay! Play it!
Bessie plays the song.
(Play Nowhere to Run by Martha Reeves & The Vandellas again for the rest of this section.)
Bessie: It's playing now!
Ben: Okay! Let's do this!
5 minutes later, it was an all out grudge match between both teams. Ben avoids getting hit and continues going around and everyone was cheering his name. His team attack the other team while he continues to make his way through the field. 10 more minutes later, it was 5 minutes to go. Space Tree and Space Bush continue to fight on the track.
Space Bush Girl 3: You ain't winning!
Lynn: Wanna bet, Bitch!
Rita: Language, Junior!
The Space Bush girls block Ben's path and then he jumps over them in slow motion. It was now 30 seconds left and they all managed to avoid getting hit. Ben circles around the track and the Space Bush girls angrily attempt to block him, but he jumps over them again. He then gets taken down with 10 seconds to go. He quickly gets up and goes around the track one more time. Everybody cheers as Ben wins for the Space Tree after crossing the line. Space Tree wins with a score of 105 to 104. Everyone in the Space Tree cheers as Ben happily smiles. They toss him up and down in joy as Tanner growls angrily.
Colonel Rawls: In your face, Tanner! My team has beaten your team again!
Tanner: This isn't over!
He leaves angrily as everyone continues cheering for Ben and the song ends.
Later at the food court, they are celebrating their victory.
Ben: Thanks for supporting me.
Hilary: You're welcome. I'm so proud of you, Ben.
Ben: Yeah. I won in a girl's sport! This is amazing!
Bessie: You know, there's a men's roller derby. You can sign up for that when you're older.
Ben: Yeah. You're right.
Charlie Brown: We were rooting for you.
The Coon: Yeah. That was kick-ass.
Ben smiles as everyone continued congratulating him.
Chance Sureshot: It's not just Ben's victory. This is also our victory. He won for the Space Tree.
Human Kite: Sureshot is right. We are winners again!
They all cheer and Bessie plays Nowhere to Run by Martha Reeves & The Vandellas for the 3rd time on her Zune. Everyone chants Ben's name as he is tossed in the air by everyone, who started chanting his name.
Ben: This is the greatest day of my life!
The screen turns black and the credits roll as the song continues playing.
Stay tuned for episode 33.