Jumin's POV

As I step off the elevator, I'm too eager. I know it. I can feel it in the racing of my heart and in the speed of my steps. But I want to see him - need to see him. I barely even nod to the sentry standing watch over my penthouse as I hurry past, punching in my code, gripping the handle and wrenching the door open.

My eyes tear around the open layout, and just as I hear his voice, my eyes find him, sitting at the dining table with his partial script in hand and Elizabeth the 3rd on his lap.

"Welcome home, Jumin," he calls sweetly.

I feel the breath seep from my lungs as my taught muscles relax, the icey tension over my heart melting into that comforting hum. He's here. He's safe. He's home. He's welcomed me.

As I approach, eager to touch him, eager to feel that satisfaction that comes from skin to skin, he continues, asking, "How did things go with your dad?"

"Fine," I say quickly. But once I am there, once I reach out and feel the soft skin of his cheek beneath my fingertips, the rest of my edging nerves fades into nothingness. My chest heaves with a deep breath, and I smile. "Good, actually. He saw the merits that this charity could bring to the company. I think he had been worried that I hadn't done my due diligence, and made this decision impulsively. He should know better - he raised me to be rigidly premeditated."

A slow grin spreads Zen's lips. "I don't know… Sometimes you're a little impulsive."

I return his smile with a sly smirk, leaning down to kiss him ever so lightly. Then I pull back just enough to gaze into his ruby red eyes. "Only a little. And only with you," I rumble. That slight pink slowly colors his cheekbones again, and it sends thrills through me. Before I get myself too excited, though, I ask him, "And how did things go with Assistant Kang? If she did not take the news well, just let me know. She is certainly a very competent secretary, but not wholly irreplaceable."

"Jumin," Zen chides, his face scrunching into one of disapproval. "Don't even joke about firing Jaehee. Her opinions about us have nothing to do with her work performance, and you know it."

Elizabeth must have sensed Zen's shift in mood, and stood from his lap with a swish of her tail, looking up at me with those demanding sapphire eyes. I smile and pick her up, stroking her soft fur as I answer, "Perhaps not. Perhaps it would. That remains to be seen. …Does that mean her opinion is indeed negative?"

Zen sighs and crosses his arms. "Well, I won't lie. She wasn't thrilled about it. But Jumin, it sounds like she's mostly worried about it as my fan. She's worried it will ruin my reputation."

Ice floods my veins. Is Zen worried about that as well? He already told me as much, but I thought it was mostly a fear of getting bolstered by my name… not being torn down. Are there only negatives to our coming out? No solution that will allow him to be entirely and transparently mine?

Elizabeth's claws press just fractionally into the bare skin of my hand, pulling me out of my head. I give her a few more strokes, feeling her purr against me, and I tuck my panic away.

"Is that a true risk, then? Would our being together be so potentially damaging?"

Zen's eyebrows lift, his lips parting in a soft look that I cannot place, but do not like. "Yes, Jumin," he says, his voice subdued. "Public opinion is everything for a career like mine. And the way society is right now… Unfortunately, actors in relationships is seen as bad. Two men in a relationship is seen as bad."

"So society must change," I say assuredly. No easy task, certainly. But… maybe not impossible.

Zen nods. "Or, if I can manage to get popular enough, I might be able to withstand the blow I would take. That's what I'm trying to do, what I'm going to fight for… for us," he says earnestly, standing up and gripping my arms. "It may be greedy of me… but I want to have both."

He gives me a look, somewhere between nervous and apologetic, but I am not bothered. He wants me. I know how passionately he lives for his craft, and if I can be on an equal level with that passion, who am I to complain?

"Is that okay with you, Jumin? I know you told me yesterday it was, but I still…" He trails off, such worry in his eyes. "I know it's a lot. I know I'm asking you to lie, and we don't know for how long." I feel his hands tighten on my arms.

He's right. It is a lot. But he is all I want. Zen and his happiness, his presence in my life, has become my number one priority. He is the ray of light that has finally shone into this deep and empty well.

"It's alright, Zen." I step forward, closing the small, remaining gap, and lean my head forward to touch against his. Elizabeth is pressed between us, but purring wildly in a show of joy. "As long as you are mine, as long as you are safe and happy, I can shoulder the deceit."

He makes a hushed, feeble noise, followed by a sniff. Did I make him cry again? I worry. I pull back to see his expression, and shift Elizabeth in my arms so that I may reach out and stroke his flushed cheek. It feels so warm under my roving thumb. His eyes are not full of tears, but they are not dry either. And the intensity in his gaze… what does it mean?

"I love you, Jumin," he says, his voice soft, a slight shakiness to it as he says my name.

Ah, love. That is the intensity I see. It is the mirror of my own heart, and yet the word feels so weak in the presence of these feelings. So utterly infinitesimal compared to the depth of the ache I feel for him, honey and sting all rolled into one sublime torment. In many ways, I feel we have already moved beyond such triviality. After all, we belong to each other.

And yet… It is still so very nice to hear those words depart his tender lips. Those words which I have heard occasionally throughout my life, but never felt.

I smile and resume the caressing of my thumb across his cheekbone, blissful in this moment. But Zen's eyes search mine, back and forth, his eyebrows slowly creasing downwards. What is this new worry in his gaze?

"So, my darling, are you ready for dinner?" I try.

At this his eyebrows lift, then his face settles into an indulgent expression, a crooked smile pulling up one corner of his lips. "Sure, Jumin," he says lightly. "Let's eat."

"I can't believe I'm going to be returning to work tomorrow," I grumble as I step out of the bathroom, steam from the shower following in my wake. Why am I agreeing to be apart from him? Lunch today was already torture.

Zen chuckles, looking over his shoulder at me from the kitchen sink. "Is it really so weird?"

I hear the water running and the sounds of plates clanging. "Are you doing the dishes?" I scold. I stalk up to him, dripping on the floor as I go.

"Yesss… That's what normal people do after dinner, Jumin." I can practically hear his eyes roll.

"Normal…" I hum, letting my towel fall from my waist as I step up behind him, amazed at how comfortably we always seem to fit together. "That doesn't really apply to us, does it?"

"Are you naked right now?" he asks with a laugh, ignoring my question and instead trying to turn around and sneak a peek.

"Of course I am. Your turn." I wrap my fingers through his long hair, letting them dance through the silver tresses.

"You're very demanding, Mr. Han," he says playfully, his hands continuing to scrub the dirty pan.

I smirk, leaning in as I pull the collar of his shirt to the side, exposing his bare skin to my lips. "Precisely. So… Will you meet my demands? Or will I have to take disciplinary action?" With a swift snap, I smack one side of Zen's ass. I can't stop my grin as the soft gasp escapes him and dishes clatter in the sink.

He whips his head around, yelling my name. But I see the blush coloring his cheeks. I see his pupils, wide and eager for more. And then his eyes trail off, taking an indirect path towards the bed.

"We can go there right now," I say in a low murmur, letting my hands roam his body.

His eyes dart to meet mine, and his teeth roll over his lower lip. I can feel myself begin to swell at his expression.

"I feel like I should be embarrassed…" His words come out like a whisper. "All you do is touch me and I…"

I spin him around, forcing his damp hands to drip on the floor as he faces me. I wrap him in my arms, pressing my hardening length against him, and say, "All you do is breathe, and I want you."

Zen snorts out a laugh. "Horny bastard," he chides. Though as he chastises me, he moves his hips in a slow rotation, grinding gently against my bare and stiffening erection.

I let out a slow breath as I hold him tighter in my arms, trying to maintain control, to keep myself from going full mast too soon. "You… only for you. You are the only person who's ever made me feel this way. So don't feel embarrassed." I'm the one who should be ashamed. "Want me." Need me. "Let me worship every inch of you, day after day…" Forever.

His breath hitches and his body seems to sink deeper into mine. One more bite of his lip, and then he tilts his head, bringing our mouths together in a slow, teasing kiss. I follow his lead, all lightness and tender touches, tender flicks of my tongue against his. But he quickly escalates things.

Strong hands grip my waist and pull at my neck. His mouth opens wide and drinks me in, and I lustfully reciprocate, reveling in the taste of him as our tongues collide. The force of him reminds me of yesterday, and yet it feels different still. A new experience - a new level of desperation in his movements. And I love it. Yes… yes. Want me. Need me. It makes me feel wild.

Pushing and pulling at each other, mouths parting only for seconds before we rejoin, we make our way to the bed, Zen's clothes somehow coming off on our way over. And when we make it, when we land on the mattress already naked and tangled together, I see it in his eyes, that desperation; fiery and passionate and yet also insecure.

I grit my teeth. Desire - wild, dark desire - tears at my control. I turn my attention lower, to the curve of his neck, where I drag my teeth across his skin as I suck and lick at him. He moans, and my composure cracks further. Before I know what I'm doing my hand has made its way lower, around the girth of his length, stroking a few times, then lower still, between his legs to the opening I want to fill. He tenses slightly as I slide a finger inside, but groans, shifting to open his body up to me. And as I push it deep, curling it against that spot that brings him pleasure, his head arches back, heavy breaths pouring from his parted lips.

I slide another finger inside, and it goes in easily, even without lube, I realize. His body is soft, and hot, and eager, twitching around my fingers as they slide in and out. My heart races, and I shove my face against his chest as I try to restrain myself from spreading his legs and sliding myself inside him instantly. Mine. Mine.

"Jumin," he moans, his voice pulling me slightly from my heady lust filled fog.

I pick up my head to look at him, and his face is so beautiful. His smooth skin flushed and pink. His eyes strained with pleasure. His hair wild and messy as it splays beneath him. His mouth… his mouth parted and gasping with each thrust of my fingers.

I want to watch him cum.

"Lift your leg" I order, adjusting us just slightly so I have a better angle to both pleasure him and observe.

"Just put it in already," he pants. "You're going to make me cum if you keep going like that…"

"Good," I answer in a low rumble. "I want to look at you while you do." I change the pace of my hand, slowing down for a few strokes, then speeding up.

"Ju!... min… oh, fuck," he grits out between moaning whimpers and heavy breaths.

His hands dig into the sheets, his body twists and arches, but I'm hardly aware as my gaze is so solely focused on his face. His wholly erotic, gorgeous face. Mine.

"Fuck, I'm getting close." The words pour from his lips in rapid succession, but as he says them, he scrunches his eyes shut and turns away.

No… No. Look at me. Look at me. Belong to me. Stay with me.

I pause my movements, my fingers still right inside his entrance, as I shift to move my free hand.

"What…?" he heaves in a breathy whine. "Why-"

He stops speaking as my hand fists in his hair. Look at me. I use my grip to take control of his head. Focus on me. I turn him so he is fully facing me now, Give yourself to me, his eyes wide and searching my own.

"Yes," I sigh out, smiling lightly as this feral compulsion is appeased. I resume the motions of my fingers, slower than before, but deep then back out, curling lightly against that sweet spot of pleasure within him… and watch. His mouth moves, opening ever so slightly with each raspy breath, and I strengthen my grip on his hair, pulling taut until his roots have no more yield to give, reveling in the way his lips fall open wider. Zen's eyes go placid, but he keeps them trained on me. Yes, yes… You're mine. Mine. Like a gentle purr, I murmur my praise. "Perfect, darling… Just like that."

He whimpers, and I feel him tighten and twitch around my fingers. Lovely, I think, my tongue roving over my teeth in ravenous hunger. Soon… Soon I will sink into this heaven with you, my sweet, sweet Zen.

Eagerness takes the reins. Faster. Faster. He begins to arch his back and twist his body again, but this time I control his head. I keep it steady, my hold on his silver roots remains firm and tight. And as his hips make small writhing motions against my hand, as gasps and moans pour out of him, as sweat begins to drip down his brow and redness overtakes his face… he keeps his eyes on me. Unfocused and barely open, he keeps them on me.

And as his core tightens and convulses around my fingers, his breath changes, sucking in and shaking like the rest of his body. And I watch… I watch him tremble. I watch him pant. I watch his teeth clench then relax with a deep and throaty groan. I watch his eyes come back into clarity as his breathing steadies.

Finally, I tear my eyes away from his, and look to his stomach. There I see the result of my efforts, his white cum splayed across his abs, some still dripping from his twitching length. And while no solid thoughts pervade my mind, there is an obvious and overwhelming feeling of satisfaction that fills me from brim to brim.

"Jumin," calls Zen's soft and tired voice.

My gaze turns back to his face and I smile, pleased. "You did so well for me."

And for a short moment, I sit in this bliss, watching a shiver run through Zen's body. But as I slide my fingers out of him and loose my fingers from his hair… I feel it. How tight they were tangled within the strands. The joints of my knuckles are even sore from the tight grip I had held on him. And realization hits me. I had let my control waver again. I had let an impulsive desire slip past and I ended up hurting Zen.

"I…" I stand suddenly, walking to the other side of the room to collect my towel to clean him up with. "I apologize. I was too rough with you. I hope your head and hair are alright."

On my approach back to the bed, Zen laughs. Laughs.

"I'm fine," he says, taking the towel and wiping up. "You weren't too rough."

"Still," I persist, "I lost control. I should have been more careful with you. I know I'm…" Broken. Not normal. A monster.

"Sexy as hell?"

I look up from my feet to gawk at Zen. Did I hear him correctly?

"Jumin, come here," he continues with a smile, opening his arms wide to me.

I hesitate, nervous. As much as I want to fall into his open arms and be held, it's dangerous. Every day with him I lose more and more of the command I should have over myself. But as my strings unknot and fan out, it's as if they're reaching for Zen, pulling me to him, and before I know it, I'm laying next to him, wrapped in his warmth.

"Jumin… Babe," his voice murmurs softly against my hair, "I meant it when I said I loved you. I know we haven't been together that long, but I love you. You can lose control with me. In fact, I love it when you do," he chuckles. "I feel like I'm finally seeing the real you."

I stiffen in his embrace. What? I can not reconcile his words with what I know to be true.

"And when you pull my hair," he continues, his voice getting deeper and his hands beginning to roam my body, "and when you spank my ass," a hand slides forward over my hip and down the front of my thigh, making me acutely aware of my earlier desire to be deep, deep inside him, "and when you grab me like you need me…" He pauses here, letting his hand do the talking as he strokes me, getting me hard and ready again. "I like it."

"You like it?" I clarify, even though his words were crisp and clear.

"I don't get it," he chuckles, nuzzling into me, "but I do. And!" He laughs again, this time pulling back to look me in the eye. "If I didn't, don't you think I'd say something? I mean really, babe… Can you imagine me keeping silent while you did something I didn't like?"

This breaks through my gloom, bringing a smile to my lips again. "No. I suppose not." Somehow I forgot one of the reasons I've always been drawn to Zen - his blunt honesty.

"So please," his expression softens while his hand tightens around my length, "stop trying to control yourself around me. I can take it, Jumin."

My heart hammers in my chest as darkness swirls through my soul. There he goes… saying things like this again. Dangerous, dangerous things.

"Be rough with me," he continues, his eyes taking on that look of desperation they had earlier. "Show me those sides of yourself you keep hidden. They're mine now."

I sharply inhale. It feels as if something inside me has cracked. His love, his acceptance, his claim over my darkness… No. No. It's too much. It's a lie. It's… I feel as if I'm falling, as if I'm starting to lose myself, lose my grip on reality. I need to wrap this up. I need to keep it balled up inside and control it. But as he strokes me, his eyes filled with this longing for me to surrender to myself and loosen these bonds…

My hands lash out. Strong and wild, I take hold of his body. Without thought, I move. I turn him over and climb on top, pinning him to the bed with the weight of my body. My erection presses into his back, and I need to be inside him. I slide up to my knees, looking down on him. His beautiful back, his plump ass that begs to be devoured, and drag my hands along him, grabbing his waist and pulling him up to meet me where I need him.

He gasps, laughing slightly, then looks over his shoulder at me, a smile spread across his face. I was about to question his laughter, when he slides himself back against me, grinding his ass up and caressing my length. And I no longer care.

My head rolls back, a low growl flowing out of me. Quickly, quickly, I need to be inside him. So I grip myself, rubbing my slick tip along him and lining myself up.

"Jumin," Zen says suddenly, his eyes wide with unease. "Lube."

Lube. Dammit. I hop off the bed with savage frustration as I rush to snatch the lube and condoms from the bedside table.

But then I slide on the condom… and I drip lube all over myself and Zen's raised and waiting hole… and I have to remind myself to breathe. Deep inhales and exhales as I line myself up again, dizzy with anticipation.

When I push, I feel that now familiar resistance. It is so tight going in. So tight and burning hot as I inch my way inside, then back out. Slow and tortuous in its pleasure, I focus on this new vision of loveliness before me. His smooth and radiant fair skin sloping down his sculpted back. His legs spread wide and hooked on either side of my knees. His long and elegant hair swooping to the side and draping down his arm.

"So beautiful…"

And as I look at him, as I study his body while I slowly drive myself deeper inside, I feel a semblance of myself return. He IS mine. Look how he gives himself to me. I grip his ass, pulling his cheeks further apart as I thrust a hard and final push to the hilt, making Zen let out a moaning whimper. And he wants me, loves me, when I lose control? When I share my desires? He wants to see the… real me? I rub my hands along his body, caressing and massaging his thighs, ass, and lower back as I wait for his core to adjust to me. I can feel him twitching around me, eager, but still tight. Still too gloriously tight. Should I… try? I examine his form beneath me. Trembling slightly with each quick breath. Sexy whimpers as I do subtle grinding motions against him. What do I want? What do I really want from Zen?

The answer comes easily. Here. Here. Just here. With me. Always. Never leaving. Never gone. Never in danger. Just here. Safe. With me. Always with me.

But I'm not allowed to want that. He wants to work. I'm supposed to work.

Here. With me. Mine.

Right now… he's here, and he's mine. I slide my hand up his back, pressing him further into the mattress. Right now… I can let loose. I can pin him here and keep him as my own. He wants me to, right? My eyes widen and jaw clenches as I shackle the back of his neck with my hand, holding him down as I lean my weight deep inside him.

With his face pressed sideways into the bed, he peers up at me through the corner of his eye, red and blazing.

"You'll stop me if you don't like it?" I ask, my tone low but crystal clear.

"Yes, babe. I'll tell you."