A/N: Another awesome beta by JellybeanChiChi
Chapter 36
Grissom had become restless over the past few days. More so since the news of Rory's death.
Conrad had recalled the police that had been watching the house. As far as law enforcement were concerned, that threat was as dead as Rory. Sara wondered if that was completely true. They might be safe from a direct threat from him, but what about the people that were still out there? Jake's killer was still free after all.
Sara still felt like she and her husband walked on eggshells with one another. So one morning when she discovered her wayward husband silently brooding in the garage she tried to gauge her entrance correctly.
He was staring at the bugs that he'd housed there since Daniel's birth. She made a show of announcing her presence so she wouldn't startle him. He turned his head in her direction, a brief acknowledgement of her presence, then returned to his silent study of his bugs.
"Need some help with feeding?" she'd asked, with a slight smile, rubbing his arm gently. "We could do it together?"
He immediately stepped away from her grasp, shaking his head. "I've done what I can manage. It won't matter soon anyway. I've made inquires, and there are a few buyers that might be interested in acquiring a few species."
Sara was shocked by his statement. "Gil, there's no need to sell anything. These are a part of who you are, honey. I really don't mind helping out. It's going to take a bit of time before you heal, but you will."
Grissom closed his eyes, trying to keep his rising temper in check as he tapped his cane agitatedly against the garage floor. He rubbed distractedly at his forehead. His head was pounding, dully.
"It's just going to be easier, Sara!" he snapped, as he turned and headed towards the kitchen, before heading in the direction of his office.
Sara uttered a small, frustrated sigh and headed back into the kitchen to check on Daniel.
Once in his office, Grissom unknowingly offered a similar sigh of frustration as his wife. He wasn't completely sure what had made him head to the office. It wasn't as though he could do much of anything, he mused. He couldn't read without the aid of his glasses, and staring at the computer screen had only made his headache worse.
After a moment he heard his conscious telling him the reason for his retreat. He knew he should not have been so harsh with Sara. He wished he wouldn't speak to her the way he does. He had no desire to hurt her, yet whenever she would offer help, he lashed out at her.
He retreated because he was ashamed. He was a horrible husband who would go to prison. But he was a horrible husband during a break at home.
Still anxious and still frustrated, the sounds from the kitchen garnered enough of his curiosity to leave his office.
Daniel banged nosily on the tray of his high chair as his mother gave him a bottle of water. He pointed at Hank while Sara filled the dog's bowl with fresh water, which the pup lapped thirstily.
Smiling, Sara ruffled her son's hair while Daniel kicked his legs excitedly. Grissom wasn't the only member of the family exhibiting signs of restlessness. "Maybe we can convince Daddy to have an afternoon in the park. What do you think, Dan?" she asked. Daniel continued to play nosily, and babble happily to himself.
Sara picked up the odd word, "Mommomom" and "Dada Dada," as she returned to finishing off lunch. She'd made another favourite of Grissom's – a veggie focaccia sandwich hoping he might eat something.
Grissom watched his family from the periphery. Internally he marvelled at Sara's natural role as a mother, but as he limped into the kitchen the pain of his knee coupled with the noises Daniel produced made him feel miserable.
Sara smiled faintly as Daniel babbled excitedly on seeing his daddy. Once daddy was nearby, Daniel offered him a piece of the fruit that Sara had given him. Her smile faulted as Grissom pointedly ignored both his son, and the proffered fruit as he sat near him.
She knew he was withdrawing and he wasn't fighting against those tendencies. She hoped maybe family time in the park might remedy that.
"I thought I'd make something light for lunch," Sara said, as she handed Grissom the veggie focaccia sandwich and a bottle of water. "There's still a little bit of your mom's pecan ginger cake left. I thought maybe we could take a trip to the park, with Dan?" Sara suggested lightly, as she continued cleaning up from lunch.
Grissom glanced at the plate on the table, with little interest. He really wasn't particularly hungry, and although he felt trapped within the house, the idea of going to the park, scared him more. He glanced down at the ankle bracelet around his right ankle. Its existence made him more ashamed. He'd done nothing wrong, and yet he'd been branded a criminal for all to see.
"Gil, what do you think about the park?" Sara asked, just as Daniel banged on the tray of his high chair, voicing his opinion on the matter. Grissom winced again, and rubbed the side of his head, as Daniel continued to play noisily.
It all became too much, and Grissom banged the table, hard. "Daniel stop it!" he shouted.
Both Sara and Daniel jumped at Grissom's unexpected angry voice.
Never before had Grissom raised his voice, let alone to complain about Daniel. In fact both he and Sara made a very conscientious decision, once the shock of the pregnancy had worn off, to never raise their voices in their child's presence. A decision made all the more crucial, by their childhoods – Sara's violent past having the biggest impact, and to a degree, the silent upbringing Grissom had faced, when his father had died.
Daniel's bottom lip poked out and tears welled in his dark eyes. He burst into frightened tears and immediately turned to Sara for comfort.
Sara took Daniel into her arms, holding him close against her. Her dark eyes flashed with sudden anger. He wasn't the only one on edge with this whole nightmare. And she sure as hell wasn't going to stand there, and allow him to make their son cry. "Dammit, Gil," Sara snapped back. "He doesn't understand why you can't hold him or play with him, like you used to. You're right here with him, and he's missing you! It's not his fault you're in pain!"
Grissom sat rooted to the spot, thinking how very similar Sara's words were to what his mother had said a few days before. His son's distress broke his heart, and he wished fervently that he could comfort him. Three months ago, it was daddy Daniel turned to when he was sad or frightened. Now, it was daddy who made him frightened and sad.
Despite a voice in his head telling him to mend his terrible mistake, Grissom felt he had no other choice but to pull away from them. Not because he wanted to, but because he had to. It would be much easier for them, in the long term, when he ended up going to prison for the rest of his life.
He quickly got up, saying a hushed, pained "I'm sorry" under his breath, and left the kitchen. The thought of prison served as a bleak cloud. Seeing the sun shine on their garden, he went outside.
In just over two weeks, he would no longer have this luxury to just relax and enjoy the sun. So filled with sorrow, for so many reasons, he stretched out on a garden lounger and closed his eyes as he turned his face up towards the sun.
Daniel's loud cries of distress began to subside as Sara continued to rub his back in gentle circles. She kissed his hair, and hummed softly. Her body swayed rhythmically as she comforted her son.
Sara closed her eyes, and took a deep calming breath. Her anger passed, and she attempted to look at the situation from Grissom's point of view. The combination of his broken nose and concussion left him with little to do. She knew reading or watching television worsened his concussion symptoms. She was frustrated with his situation, but so was he — frustrated and restless. No, he shouldn't have yelled, but maybe she shouldn't have yelled back.
Daniel's crying stopped and she turned him around to face her. "He didn't mean it, sweetie. He's a good daddy."
Looking into his eyes, Sara wondered if he understood her. She matched his serious look then put a big smile on her face and tickled his sides. That made the boy break out into a laugh, and in no time was excitedly kicking his feet.
It gave Sara an idea of how she might reach Grissom.
As he listened to the buzzing of insects and the chirp of crickets, and birdsong, Grissom felt himself relax just a fraction. He felt remorse for his behavior, but didn't know what to do about it. Sara was right; nothing that happened to Grissom should ever warrant yelling at Daniel or Sara. But especially Daniel. Doing so broke a promise and he felt awful about it.
A bang on the sliding glass window broke him out of his thoughts. He figured it was Hank trying to get out. He turned around in his chair, but it wasn't Hank he saw.
Standing on his own, with Sara sitting on her knees behind him, was Daniel working to get his father's attention. The boy's slobbery fist banged on the glass again causing Grissom to gingerly get up and move to the glass. The image of his son standing on his own was awesome, and, without thinking, Grissom squatted down to be at Daniel's eye level. The pain hit Grissom hard, but he placed his palm on the glass and saw how Daniel placed the palm of his own hand on the same spot while on the other side of the glass.
Sara saw as tears welled in Grissom's eyes, and she wasn't sure if it was the pain in his knee, which didn't have the support, or his response to Daniel. She figured it might be both. She quickly scooped up Daniel as she stood up, causing Grissom to do the same. He opened the door for them.
"You need help to the chair?" Sara asked, knowing his knee was killing him.
He shook his head "no," and limped his way back forgoing the lounge chair for an upright chair at the table. Once he was seated, Sara sat Daniel down again and held his hands as he took guided steps toward daddy.
The smile on Grissom's face, while tinged with melancholy, warmed Sara's heart. She knew he cared. He just felt conflicted to show it. "Well, daddy? What do you think about this?"
Grissom sighed, then asked meekly, "You think he'll sit on my lap?"
She wanted to scream, "Are you kidding me?" But instead, Sara had to swallow a lump of emotion in her throat. "I'm sure he would." She picked him up and placed him on Grissom's lap. In Daniel's mind, his daddy's harsh words happened eons ago. Right now, he just wanted to reach up and tug daddy's nose.
Sara pulled over a chair so she could be directly across from her two men. She relished the moment of silent play between father and son. She hoped maybe they could talk without too much push and pull.
"I'm sorry, Gil," she started. "I shouldn't have shouted back at you. I know you're stressed and anxious."
Grissom shook his head. "You're just trying... to deal... with me. ... I just can't ... I don't know what to do… I just know I'm doing nothing well… nothing… right. For either of you… I'm the one who is sorry."
"Gil, one thing your mom said to me that really helped is how this isn't forever."
Grissom scoffed at the remark. "Maybe you should take Daniel back. I … I shouldn't be holding him…"
"Just stop a minute, OK?" Sara said firmly, but not loudly. She scooted closer towards Grissom, so that their knees were almost touching. She wanted to make sure he would have little space to get up and leave.
Grissom picked up on what Sara was doing. "Sara, come on…"
"It's not forever," Sara recounted. "You have got to believe that."
The look on Grissom's face showed loss and sadness. "Our forever has changed, Sara, no matter what." He looked down at his son, who had stopped fidgeting and simply cuddled against his father's chest. "Has he…" It was Grissom who swallowed his own lump of emotion. "Has he taken his first steps yet?"
"By himself? No," Sara said.
"I wish I could see him do that," he said before pressing a kiss to the boy's forehead.
"You will," Sara said confidently.
The comment made Grissom close his eyes. She just didn't understand what was going to happen. Couldn't accept the reality of the situation. "You just don't get it, do you?"
"Actually, I do," Sara said. "You were framed, Gil, and all those lies are going to unravel. They already are. I saw the looks on Bowden's and Foster's faces. They knew they were wrong about you."
"We don't know that Sara."
"I believe it."
Grissom nodded his head and bit his lip. How his wife still had hope, he didn't understand. "When was the last time you heard from Brass or Catherine or anyone else from the team?"
The question caught Sara off-guard. "Well, I've talked to Nick and Karson about the case."
"But you called them."
"Well, yes."
"Since I've been arrested… since I've been in jail, who from the team have checked up on you?"
Sara didn't want to revisit the two times Nick visited the house. The first time their conversation was so vitriol. And the second time was an apology of sorts, but still not enough for Sara's liking. "To check up on me, well… you know I was suspended Gil, and I guess the gang feels uncomfortable coming around."
It was the answer Grissom feared. She was abandoned because of him. Shame reared its head again, but so did a modicum of anger. But not directed at Sara. "We don't know anything about what's being done or not done."
"Look," Sara started, sensing his agitation and his desire to distance himself again. "We're both feeling tense and a little claustrophobic. Maybe getting out of the house isn't such a bad idea. Going to the park with Dan might be exactly what we need right now. We can drive there; it'll be a short drive and shouldn't be too painful for your knee. There's plenty of benches if we need to take a break. If you're up to it, we can go to the coffee house on the way home?"
Sara's face fell, as her husband shook his head, not even the promise of his favourite iced coffee enough to lure him to the park. "Gil?"
"I think it's better if we talk to Wilbur. Today."
"Wilbur said he'd call if there was any further news, Gil…."
Grissom shook his head. "I can't stand this limbo any longer, Sara. It's not fair to you and Daniel to be in this stasis."
"It's not stasis. It's a time to heal."
"It's too hard, Sara," he said. "Not knowing where the investigation is going. Not having a plan of action if the worse were to happen. If I go to trial, I want to be prepared. I don't want any more surprises at the last minute."
Sara tried to formulate a response, but Grissom upped the ante before she could. "Either you can take me there, or I'll drive myself. Which is it going to be?"
The ultimatum angered Sara and she wanted to protest. But it wasn't worth the fight. The determined look on her husband's face convinced her of that.
But she did want to find a way to get him out of the house, and while this wasn't quite the way she'd wanted it to go, maybe talking to Wilbur would help. The time he spent right now with Daniel on his lap was the most he had since coming home.
"Alright, Gil," she conceded. "But you have to wear the leg brace."
Grissom nodded. "OK."
"Let's call his office and then your mom to see if she'll watch Daniel." Sara stood up and reached for Daniel. She put her son on her hip and used the other hand to help Grissom stand. To her surprise, he took her hand and continued to hold it as they walked to the sliding glass door.