Nazz's party had been easier to stomach than he thought it would be. Sitting in the corner watching Ed dance was easy. Listening to his classical piano music took the edge off of reality. He was able to relax for once, that was until Kevin approached him. Eddward was used to pretending. He had done it for awhile now. Just smile and pretend everything was okay, while on the inside he was struggling to control his urges. Kevin threatened his control.

He had admired Kevin from afar since they were kids. He never really understood why he felt the things he felt. Kevin would walk by and he would melt internally. Kevin would say something and he would stutter on an over intellectual response which deemed him a dork. Kevin was perfection. Perfection that Eddward craved, but would never allow himself to have.

When he had looked up from his seat because a bystander was near him he was annoyed at first. He didn't want to converse with anyone from the cul-de-sac, but when he saw it was Kevin his heart fluttered slightly. Then Kevin had to go and refer to him as Double Dee... that hit a nerve, but he tried to ignore it. When Kevin put his arm around the back of the love seat just inches from Eddward's neck he ignored it. Kevin had been drinking, but then again most at the party had been. Eddward tried to disregard it, but whenever alcohol was present he remembered that night. The booze. The words. The hand clamping on him...

He did what he always did to remain calm when there wasn't a razor available. Breathe.

He kept his arm around him, well on the back of the love seat, but it was still around him and he was reveling in it. He thought the presence would leave, but Kevin stayed like that. Eddward had acted like it was nothing. Kevin was drunk, it was nothing. Right? When Kevin's arm finally fell around him he was done. In that moment it felt right and wrong all at the same time. This was all wrong. He was getting too close.

Eddward had explained why Ed was the only person allowed to call him Double Dee. He had never been that open with anyone before. He was vulnerable in that moment and it made him sick, but the conversation continued to flow. Kevin quit the baseball team because of him. Kevin cared somewhat for him. No, it had to be the alcohol.

Too much. Too much.

Eddward had hoped that once they parted that night he would be able to plan his next cut. He felt too out in the open. He felt like he had been exposed. Kevin had opened him up and seen a softer side of him and he needed to regain some ounce of dignity, some aspect of control. Kevin was dangerous. If he let his guard down that much just in conversation, a friendship between them could never... would never work. Kevin forced him to open up when all he wanted to do was shut the world out. Kevin and he could not be friends... but he still secretly wanted it.

Once Eddward had shut the door, effectively blocking himself from Kevin's gaze he darted up his stairs faster than he knew he could move. He stripped off his clothes and quickly changed into something more comfortable. The clothes that he wore to the party now held the lingering scent of Kevin. They were suffocating him. It was still a little too soon, but maybe he would cut in a different place tonight. He started debating in his mind when the doorbell rang downstairs. Before he made his way back down the stairs he quickly slipped his wristband on shielding his work from the outside world. The last person he thought he would see was Kevin, but there he was and now here they were.

"Please discard your shoes by the closet door," Eddward said flatly as Kevin walked inside his home.

Kevin did as he was told and then turned to Edd. He was about to say something, but then his eyes became glued to the walls... they were completely covered in sticky notes. Sticky notes were strewn along the walls like a shaggy wallpaper begging to be ripped down. Kevin's mouth gaped slightly. Eddward turned to look about. His house looked normal to him.

"Dude, what's with the sticky notes everywhere?" Kevin asked as his eyes continued to wander.

Eddward merely shrugged, "this is the form of communication in which my parents chose to utilize."

"Okay... but why not tear'em down after you read them?"

Eddward seemed to ponder this for a moment before answering. "I'm making a point."

Kevin arched an eyebrow as he let his weight fall against the wall for support. His headache was growing, "what's the point then?"

"Forget it," he said as he started walking towards the stairs. He looked over his shoulder when he noticed Kevin wasn't following, "the guest bedroom is upstairs. Follow me, if you would."

Kevin followed solemnly behind Edd in silence up to the second floor. Eddward led him to his bedroom to gather some clothes and handed them over.

"The bathroom is adjacent to my room if you wish to shower; otherwise the guest bedroom is the last room down the hall." Eddward said as he went to his desk and flipped open his laptop.

"Yeah, thanks." Kevin responded and then headed to the bathroom.

Once Eddward heard the bathroom door close he buried his face in his hands as he slumped over his desk. Curse him for being so hospitable when all he craved was desolate solitude. His nerves twitched beneath his flesh. Once again he had to put his plans on hold. Truthfully, he was going to turn Kevin away and suggest he retire at Nazz's for the evening, but Kevin had a valid point, even Eddward would not want to be in a house where Eddy was spending quality time with his girlfriend. Kevin had sought him out above everyone else and that fact alone warmed Eddward to his core. And then... then he remembered Kevin was drunk and he was right across the street so he would be the logical choice.

Eddward stood and gripped his desk tightly beneath his fingers. This was probably a very bad idea. What if he had a nightmare? Or worse, what if Kevin saw? How would he dignify himself? What if he was struck with the overwhelming urge to cut and he could not resist? What if... what if...

"Hey, Dee? You alright man?"

Eddward's limbs tightened. He hadn't heard Kevin approaching. Eddward swallowed and turned to face him.

"I'm fine. I didn't expect you to come back so quickly."

"Yeah. I sorta skipped the shower. Figure I'd wait 'til morning when I can get into my house." Kevin answered as he strode across the floor dressed in Eddward's clothing, except for his red hat which was still perched on his head.

Eddward had given him a pair of plaid pajama pants and a grey shirt. It was oddly warming to see Kevin wearing his attire. He liked it. Kevin ungraciously plopped himself down on Eddward's bed and laid back. He rolled so he was facing Eddward and propped his head up with his elbow. Eddward was surprised at how comfortable Kevin was acting around him. True, they had met at the gym on occasion and worked out together, but now Kevin was in his home. He was lying on Eddward's bed. He looked completely at ease.

"Ugh, I drank way too much," Kevin moaned, "I'm usually good at knowing when to stop, but tonight was worth it."

Kevin was probably still drunk; Eddward had to keep reminding himself of that.

"I wouldn't know," Eddward said as he sat back down in his chair and swiveled it to face Kevin.

"Yeah, I guess not." Kevin replied as he glanced behind Edd's head and noticed an open document on the laptop, "Whatcha writing? School hasn't even started yet."

Eddward turned to his laptop and shut it. There wasn't a point now. He wouldn't be able to write coherent sentences with his mind buzzing as it was.

"College essays," came his quick answer.

Kevin sighed and fixed his gaze on Eddward. His eyes were hard and Eddward shifted slightly. Eddward was waiting for Kevin to slip back into his old habits and call him a nerd or a dork, maybe Double Dee perhaps, but those remarks never left his lips. In fact Kevin said something entirely different which caught Eddward off guard.

"You sure you're okay. You seem... I don't know, off?"

Eddward furrowed his brow at Kevin's observation. Off? He had perfected his mask there was no way Kevin had seen through him. The only people who knew he cut were Marie and Eddy. There was no way Kevin knew anything. A thought struck Eddward and he panicked. Did Kevin know he liked him? Was it something he said? No, impossible. Eddward had mastered hiding things over the past two years. Not even Eddy knew his sexual preference and Eddy was well gifted in reading people. He gulped.

"Care to elaborate?"

Kevin gave an awkward side shrug because he was still supporting his head with his arm, "I don't know man. You seemed kind of... what's the word I'm lookin' for, withdrawn?"

Eddward nodded in appreciation of Kevin's use of vocabulary, but didn't say a thing. Kevin waited for him to answer, but a response never came. Kevin sighed.

"Never mind. It's nothing I guess. Eddy was worried or whatever." As soon as the words left Kevin's mouth Eddward's face drained of blood.

Kevin scooted into a sitting position clearly knowing he fucked up. He rubbed the back of his reddening neck and Eddward noticed a nervous pattern. Whenever Kevin was put on the spot or embarrassed he rubbed his neck sheepishly. Eddward however, was now intrigued with this new found information.

"I wasn't aware you and Eddy conversed regularly," he said in a deadly low tone as he tilted his chair back and crossed his arms, "Please, I'd love to know what's so 'off' about me?"

Kevin coughed, "ugh, it's not like that. I mean- we don't talk. I..." Kevin sighed and refused to look at Edd," Nazz asked me. I guess Eddy was worried that night when I walked her over. He musta said something to her. She wanted me to talk to you."

Eddward felt slightly betrayed by this knowledge. Kevin only approached him at the party because Nazz wanted him too. Kevin was only here now because of Nazz, probably. Eddward's stomach felt weird. He couldn't place it. Kevin didn't care. That hurt, more than Eddward would let himself admit.

"I'm tired Kevin, please retreat to the guest bedroom. I wish to sleep now." Eddward said as he stood and padded over to his bed.

Kevin rose to meet Eddward. They stood in close proximity facing each other. Kevin was slightly taller, by approximately two inches, but Eddward held his ground. At this distance Eddward could feel the breath as it exhaled through Kevin's nose. He could feel the warmth radiating off his body. Eddward would not buckle. He needed to remain firm in his stance. Kevin was not here because he wanted to be, he was here out of obligation to a friend. Eddward was seething inside, his betrayal turned to hate.

"Eddward, you can talk to me," Kevin exclaimed as he placed a steady hand on Edd's shoulder.

Eddward stiffened beneath the touch. His breath caught in his throat. Kevin had never referred to him by his actual name before. Kevin squeezed his shoulder lightly and Eddward gave a small side smile at the gesture, but refused to make eye contact. He was having a battle within himself. If Kevin was being truthful then a friendship was definitely possible... but then again Kevin was slightly intoxicated and might not feel the same when morning came. Still, Eddward had to admit, he liked him being this close.

"Thank you, Kevin." Eddward said as he grabbed the hand Kevin had placed on his shoulder and moved it off of him, "but as I previously stated, I'm tired."

Their fingers brushed slightly and a chill ran through Eddward as Kevin seemed to admit defeat and walked by him, heading for the guest bedroom. He clicked off the light before he did so casting Eddward's bedroom into darkness. When Eddward heard the familiar click of his door followed by footsteps treading down the hall he relaxed and slumped onto his bed. He smiled as he curled in on himself. He felt... happy? He hadn't felt this good in a very long time. His smile ceased to exist as his previous thoughts began to tug at the outskirts of his mind.

Kevin talked to him because of Nazz.

Kevin was drunk.

Kevin and he were not really friends.

If he had a nightmare tonight Kevin would see.

He imagined his razor and shook his head. No, not tonight. There was no way he could risk it. He felt his control slowly fleeing as he tried desperately to hone in on it. Breathe Eddward. Inhale. Exhale.

Just be calm. Remain calm. Pretend everything's okay. Don't let that perfect mask fall. It might be cracking on the sides, but it's not broken, not yet anyway.

Breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Just remember. It's okay not to be okay.

Unconsciousness tugged at his mind and before long he was drifting into the welcoming depths of sleep. Calm and peaceful slumber eluded him once again. In his mind he saw Kevin. Kevin gave him warm and exciting sensations. Ones he thought he would never experience, but then he smelt alcohol. There was a ski mask. Those voices were back, the ones who took him and almost killed him. They kicked him. They beat him. His wrist was shattered and it ached against the concrete which was wet from blood, his blood. His body ached. There was a deadly pang emanating from his chest. He could feel the blade twisting and turning, effectively ripping his flesh. He was dying. Life was escaping him. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe.

He sat upright in bed covered in a cold sweat. His fingertips were numb of any sensation. He stood slowly and stumbled. His lamp fell off his bedside table and hit the floor. The base shattered and Eddward was drawn in by the sharp pieces that laid near his feet. Some were jagged while others had a fine point. He wanted to reach out and grab one. He almost did, but no. He staggered making his way to the door. He needed to shake these feelings. He needed to see blood. He craved the feeling of a sharp, precise slice tearing the seams of his skin.

As he opened the door he was met with a bare chest blocking his path. A body steadied him and a voice whispered in his ear, but the words never registered. He tried to move past the foreign body, but a hand came up and grabbed his wrist. Eddward panicked. His left wrist was trapped. The scars were now underneath someone else's grasp. No. Control was gone. His sanity was slipping into chaos. He was desperate. He tried to push by. He could hear the blood rushing through his veins. He wanted to see that blood dripping down his arm. He wanted to cause the disturbance. This outside force needed to move, now. He shoved against it hard.

"Eddward!"

His eyes snapped up towards the sound of the hoarse voice. Kevin's frightened face was staring back at him. His brows were knitted tight and his jaw was clenched. His hat was not there and instead tiny wisps of hair accompanied by a few short bangs were perfectly sculpted around his face. Eddward's heart was racing. His breaths started coming harder. His chest was convulsing, his lungs tightened. Kevin's strong arms encircled him letting his aching wrist limp freely at his side. He hugged him hard and Eddward had never been so afraid before. Kevin was here, seeing him have a panic attack. He was weak and pathetic. Tears threatened to pierce the corners of his eyes.

"Dee, talk to me. What happened?" Came Kevin's voice again. It was stern and hard, but yet still caring.

Eddward didn't trust himself to speak. He was sure his voice would crack and that would only prove to embarrass himself further. Of all the nightmares Edd's mind had ever conjured up, this moment was truly the most frightening thing he had ever endured. He wasn't even sure his own subconscious could ever scare him again after this. This vulnerability was scraping away at his dignity.

After his nightmares he usually called Marie, but Marie was never there to see the aftermath directly. Sure, she could hear it a little in his voice. She maybe even had a vague idea of what ran through his mind, but she always arrived after he had been able to compose himself. Kevin was witnessing everything first hand. There was no recovering from this. This was raw and pure.

Eddward swallowed. He wasn't sure how much time had passed. Kevin was rubbing soothing circles on his back now, his grip ever so tight around Eddward's petite frame. Eddward wanted desperately to relax into the comforting effort, but his mind wouldn't allow him that simple luxury. He tried to focus on what was around him. Kevin's arms. Kevin's touch. Kevin's chest... his face was buried into the crook of Kevin's neck. The hard muscles of his chest were warm against his own. Kevin had a musky scent that permeated Edd's nose. He took a deep breath before he spoke.

"I'm sorry I disturbed you," he finally managed to say.

Kevin pulled away, taking his body heat with him. Eddward shivered slightly as he tried to back away from the strong chest before him. His cheeks were flushed and his hair was disheveled. His hat had long been forgotten on his bed somewhere, probably tangled in his sheets in heat of the nightmare. Kevin grabbed his arms to keep him from backing away any further.

"Dee, please. What's going on? You're scaring me." Kevin confessed.

Kevin's eyes were pleading, begging Eddward to confess his secrets. He swallowed nervously as he steadied his stance on the floor. Was this okay? Could he really open up to Kevin of all people? Whether it was his sleep deprived elusive state or the surreal moment they were sharing, Eddward talked.

"I have panic attacks," he admitted shamefacedly, his eyes stuck on Kevin's chest. "They are triggered by nightmares which seem to endlessly plague me. That night will forever haunt me."

There. He said it. Now it was out in the open. Now it was up to Kevin. Eddward wondered how the jock would react to the information. Seconds ticked by between them. Eddward counted the time between the rise and fall of Kevin's chest. Kevin didn't move. Eddward wasn't sure if that was good or bad. He was still standing there though, he hadn't scared him away. Not yet at least. Kevin's chest tightened as he pulled Eddward in close. He obliged. For just this moment he would allow himself to be vulnerable. He promised himself this would never happen again, he didn't break promises.

"I'm sorry," came Kevin's soft voice which categorized just above a whisper, "I'm here. I don't know much about what you're goin' through, but I'm here." He reassured him.

The resonance of Kevin's affirmative tone hummed throughout Eddward. He felt safe and it was scary, yet thrilling all at the same time. Like a roller coaster he wasn't sure to ride or not. Was it safe? He had never been this open before. He never trusted himself to open up. Maybe Kevin and he could be friends after all, maybe.

Kevin stiffened and Eddward felt his head turn, "what happened to your lamp?"

Edd winced as his face turned, never leaving the safety of Kevin's warm embrace, "that was an accident."

Kevin gave a short, almost reserved laugh as his arms fell from the hug and he walked over to the discarded shards of the dismembered lamp. He picked up the bigger pieces and deposited them in the nearby trash. Eddward used this moment to continue to his original destination, but for a different reason altogether. Kevin didn't seem to notice he left. Once he entered the bathroom he ran the cold water in the sink and cupped his hands beneath it. He splashed the water on his face in a hopeless attempt of ridding his cheeks of their reddening pigment. He looked into the mirror and was met with a wearisome reflection of a broken mask which was barely hanging on by a fraying thread.

Once his pale complexion returned he exited the bathroom and walked back into his room. As he approached the bed he noticed a silhouette lying on one side in the dark room. Eddward froze as Kevin turned his face to him, he could make out a smile etched into his face.

"Kevin, what are you doing?" Eddward asked afraid to take another step.

Kevin frowned as he patted the space beside him on the bed, "Seriously Dee? I'm not leaving you alone after that."

Eddward stared at him in disbelief. Did he honestly expect him to crawl into bed beside him... and then what? Eddward didn't trust himself to fall asleep beside Kevin, especially if the nightmare returned. Kevin seemed to sense the uneasiness between them.

"Dee, come on. Look I'll sleep on the floor or whatever once you fall asleep, but you seriously scared me." Kevin said as he tried to coax him closer.

Kevin relaxed back on the bed with his hands behind his head. His chest was still free from the shirt Eddward had originally given him to wear. The plaid pajama pants were still on and Edd could just make out the edges of his boxers peeking out from beneath the waist of the fabric. Eddward sighed as he reluctantly let his feet carry him to the bed. He crawled onto the bed, never once looking at Kevin and turned so he was facing away. He felt Kevin shift beside him and he soon felt a warm breath hitting the back of his neck. His body stiffened. This was more intimate than he had ever been with someone and it was hardly intimate at all. Eddward was sure he was blushing for the umpteenth time that night; luckily Kevin could not see this time.

"I meant what I said. I'm here."

Those words traveled through Edd's ears and struck him to the core. There was pure serenity laced in his voice. Kevin did care; there wasn't a trace of deceit in his words. For once there was someone here in his house he could talk to, someone to listen. Not another sticky note.

"Kevin?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember earlier, when you inquired as to why I haven't discarded the sticky notes upon my walls. Truthfully, I am attempting to make a point to my parents, but they're never around to see it. I keep the sticky notes up because I- I feel invisible amongst them. They keep piling up and I'm drowning from them. To people such as my parents, sticky notes provide an adequate means of communication. They write what they need to inform me of and I do as they say or simply comprehend the message. As a kid I would tear them down once the task was complete. But as of late- I just leave them. I guess it's a vague attempt at making them talk to me in person. It's stupid, really, but-"

"No, it's not stupid at all." Kevin said as he stretched his arm out and grabbed Edd around the waist.

Eddward's heart pumped furiously beneath his chest. He felt a warm tingling sensation travel throughout his entire body. This no longer felt wrong. It felt right even though deep down he knew it shouldn't.

Soft snores soon traveled up to meet his ears and Eddward smiled. He had a feeling that he wouldn't have another nightmare tonight.

-LunaMaye