Eddward was vaguely aware that his body no longer succumbed to the depths of sleep. He knew he was awake, but he refused to move. Morning beams of sunlight were piercing through the crevices in his blinds. His body still ached for rest. It was rare when he ever had a good night's sleep and right now he wanted to prolong getting out of bed for just a little while longer.
He reached his hand up to pull his hat over his eyes, but was met with messy locks of hair instead. He grunted in annoyance as he dropped his arm back down and was met with something warm and hard at the base of his hand. He furrowed his brow as he pushed his hand down a little further. A soft moan escaped the body below him and Eddward's eyes shot open. All the actions of the previous night flooded through his head in rapid succession, everything that lead up to this moment.
Kevin was lying on his back and Eddward was molded to the side of his body with his head resting on his chest. Eddward let his eyes travel up to the sleeping face of the boy next to him and then down his body to where his hand rested. Kevin's morning arousal was in his grasp and he was terrified. He carefully moved his hand away from the warmth and rested his hand at his side. He gently pushed himself up with his elbow and untangled his leg from under Kevin's. He scooted so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He put his elbows on his knees and let his head fall into his open palms. He sighed heavily. He was beyond mortified.
Kevin had seen everything; he had seen him stripped down to nothing, but the cowardly child he felt like. Only small children were haunted by insignificant nightmares. There was no recovering from that moment of weakness. All he could do now was hope that when Kevin woke up their relationship would return to the nonexistent bond that it was and they would never speak of what happened ever again. Beside him Kevin shifted and yawned hazily. A hand touched Eddward's back and he flinched, but the hand remained.
"Morning Dee, you feelin' any better?" Came Kevin's lazy voice.
Eddward felt Kevin's fingers squeeze his arm lightly like he was giving him strength to go forward. Eddward sighed as his eyes fixated on his beanie which had been abandoned on the carpet a few feet away.
"Good morning Kevin," he finally managed to say, his voice betraying him as it wavered.
He wondered if Kevin could sense the uneasiness the events of the previous night had caused. Eddward felt the bed shift as Kevin changed his position. Eddward remained where he was as he contemplated his options.
"Dee?"
Kevin was not going to back down, Eddward was sure of it. He had a few options to choose from. He could accept Kevin into his life and let Kevin witness him unravel at the seams. No, actually that was not an option. He could make up an excuse or he could tell him the truth or... he could run away and pretend his life wasn't one giant mess like his broken lamp which lay in the trash near his desk. In the end Eddward decided on denial. Hopefully Kevin would accept that.
"I am grateful for the concern you held for me regarding the happenings of last night, but I would sincerely appreciate it if we withheld from addressing it further."
Kevin tugged at Eddward's arm trying to coax him to lie back down, but Eddward refused. Maybe denial was not going to work here. Eddward got to his feet and grabbed his hat from the floor. He adjusted it on his head and left the room at a pace between walking and jogging. Eddward hoped Kevin would accept this notion, but to his dismay he heard the jock stumble out of bed and charge after him. Kevin reached him in the hallway just as he was about to descend the staircase.
"Eddward," he said as he reached out and grabbed his arm holding him in place, "don't shut me out man. I meant what I said last night. I'm here. You can talk to me."
Eddward stood frozen to the spot. Kevin's warmth spread through him once again and he reminisced in the feel of his touch. He wanted more than anything to trust Kevin, to confide in him, but he just couldn't. He was battling his inner demons and the turmoil was almost more than he could bear. Trusting Kevin meant opening up and exposing himself. It meant relying on someone and giving them access to his vulnerable state.
He would need to tell Kevin everything. Explain to him what was wrong and... his wrist. He yanked his arm out of Kevin's hand and cradled his wrist against his chest. Even though he was wearing his sweatband he still felt completely exposed. No, opening up meant letting Kevin in and he could not do that. He needed to keep what little control he had over his body. Kevin wouldn't understand.
"Kevin, I am fine. Please refrain from touching me."
"But, last night-"
"Kevin, I already stated that I would prefer if we no longer discussed the actions of last night. I'm fine, I assure you."
"That's bullshit and you know it," the red-head stated angrily as he crossed his arms over his still shirtless upper body.
Eddward had to resist the urge to let his eyes travel. They needed to remain looking at Kevin's face. He would never convey his point ogling at Kevin's naked flesh.
"It doesn't matter. It's none of your concern," Eddward said, his eyes hard and uncaring.
Kevin quirked an eyebrow, challenging him, "Excuse me? Dee, you fell apart last night. You said you have panic attacks. I'm making it my concern."
"This false sense of stability forged off a few isolated conversations does not offer you permission into my life."
Kevin looked dumbfounded; Eddward was sure nothing he said registered in the jock's brain. At times like these he hated his advanced
vocabulary. It cursed him with the ability to properly convey his points at a reading level very few people in his life could comprehend. Maybe there was a better way to keep Kevin from prying further. It pained him to think about it and he would probably hate himself in the future, but this moment of vulnerability called for desperate measures. He cleared his throat.
"We are not friends Kevin and you've overstayed your welcome." The words left Eddward's mouth and seemed to slap Kevin with a force he didn't know he possessed.
For a brief moment there was hurt reflected in Kevin's eyes with maybe a trace of rejection, but anger soon swarmed in to take its rightful place. Kevin was defeated. Eddward refused to let him claim this victory.
A loud ring echoed through the house and Eddward sighed in annoyance. Only one person ever called him this early on the house phone. This morning was turning into something he thought only his nightmares could conjure.
"Pardon me," Eddward said as he made his way down the stairs, he never looked back to see Kevin's face. It was more than he could handle.
As he rounded the corner into the kitchen he quickly looked at the caller ID on the phone and promptly rolled his eyes. He was right about who was calling. He waited until the last ring before he finally answered the call. He took a deep breath before speaking. He had a feeling that this call would test his patience.
"Hello Mother," he breathed out.
"Good morning sweetie, did I wake you up?" His mother asked cheerfully.
"No, you did not."
Eddward hunched over the counter as he held the phone to his ear. His mother or father for that matter rarely called, but when they did it was early in the morning. The calls came every two weeks or so and always before a new school year started. In Eddward's eyes it was his parents' failed attempt of being there for him. While most parents would make you a hearty breakfast and drop you off on the first day of school, Eddward's chose to call him and remind him that they 'loved him' even though they weren't there to show it.
"Honey, are you okay? You sound exhausted. Did you get enough sleep?"
Eddward's eyes twitched in annoyance and he had to take a deep breath before he answered, "just fine Mother. I was up late writing a college essay." It wasn't a complete lie.
"Oh Eddward, I'm so proud of you. You're always one step ahead of the other kids. Your first choice is Stanford correct? They have a wonderful medical program." His mother was positively beaming through the phone and it was a little hard to stomach her enthusiasm given his current mood and state.
Eddward sighed into the phone loud enough for his mother to hear. "No. As I previously told you I won't be applying there."
"You need to focus on what's best for your future Eddward, your father and I have talked to you about this on multiple occasions," his mother stated in a stern tone taking on the authoritative parental role which was consistently void in his life except on occasions like this.
"Mother, unless you have anything else of relevance to say I must go." Eddward bit out angrily as he squeezed the phone, his nerves were still wired from the events of the previous night and he refused to be scolded like a child.
His mother's voice came hard, "Eddward, do not speak to me that way. I am your mother and-"
He had been through a roller coaster ride of emotions over the past few weeks and last night proved to be almost too much for him to handle. The morning had been too much. His mother was too much.
He was done.
"You're part of the reason I am this way, don't pretend to care now," Eddward cut her off and looked to his wrist, "Don't act like I've failed you when you've continuously failed me. Goodbye mother."
His mother tried to talk, but he ended the call and then turned the phone back on so she would get a busy signal if she attempted to call back. His parent's didn't have his cell phone number thankfully. It had been a gift from them when he started high school and a reoccurring expense along with all the other bills for the house that were charged to their credit cards monthly. They probably forgot he owned one. Eddward squeezed the phone tightly in his hand until his knuckles were pasty white. He wasn't sure how much more his mind could possibly take before it snapped. He slammed the phone down hard with one hand and shoved his other under his hat and grabbed at his hair.
Why couldn't she see? He was her son. Surely, she should have seen a difference in him. Two years ago when she called he would have been overjoyed to talk to her. Just the chance to hear his mother's voice and have a few moments of her attention was enough to make him the happiest kid in the world, but now... how could she not hear the difference in his tone. Could she truly not sense the disdain he held for their lack of empathy. Was she in denial possibly? She couldn't ignore him forever. Well, maybe she could. She'd been doing a great job of it for the past seventeen years. Eddward felt familiar tears swelling up in his eyes and he rubbed at them furiously with his arm, no she didn't deserve tears.
A soft step meters behind him alerted him to the presence of someone else in the room, Kevin. He had completely forgotten that the red-head was still in his home. How stupid could he be? First he had a mental breakdown which Kevin needed to calm him down from and now he was collapsed over his kitchen counter crying, how much lower could he sink before the water took him down forever.
"Please leave," Eddward said in a faltering voice.
"Dee-" Kevin said as he took another step into the kitchen.
Eddward slammed his hand down hard on the counter. This was it. He refused to allow himself to fall any further. It was time to take back his control.
"I said get out!" Eddward yelled.
Eddward never yelled, not unless he was in denial, but he would never admit that though. Ironic.
He heard footsteps leave his house and the click of the front door assured him that he was now alone.
Fuck planning, he needed to cut. He needed to do it right now. Kitchens were wonderful in their abundance of sharp and dangerous objects.
Try as he might, Eddward could not forget that morning. It was a giant mural that hung centerfold in his mind and try as he might he couldn't get it down. The time span from when Kevin sat down on Nazz's couch to the moment he screamed at Kevin to leave his house seemed to replay in his mind at any given moment. So many emotions had traveled through his body and now he felt as if Kevin and he were strangers. Well, he had blatantly told Kevin they were not friends, so strangers they would continue to be.
School had started back up again and Eddward avoided Kevin as much as he could. He stopped going to the gym altogether and instead used the equipment in his basement. Sure it was old and out of date, but exercising alone became a new way of taking back his control. If he hurt himself it was because he pushed too hard and no one was there to stop him, and that was okay.
His leg ached now from a dull cut caused by a butter knife on his upper thigh. It had been the first thing in grabbing distance once Kevin left and Eddward hacked at his leg in desperation. Sure it was messy and unorganized, but Eddward had liked it, more than he was willing to admit. The dull knife had hurt more than the smooth slice of a razor, but that moment called for something drastic. It wasn't very long or deep, but it still ached nonetheless. Eddward smiled as he deposited his books on the top shelf of his locker, he had his control back.
Beside him someone approached and slumped against the side of the adjoining locker. Eddward peered around his open locker door and saw none other than Eddy with a miserable expression stitched onto his face. Eddy met his eyes and grit his teeth.
"I hate the first week of school, it's nothin' but agendas and projects that are already due and the same old teachers disappointed I'm in their classes again, fucking sucks." He said as he kicked a leg up behind him on the locker door.
Eddward merely shook his head as he continued to organize the inhabitants of his locker. Eddy seemed to notice his friend's reluctance to speak and shifted nervously.
"Dee, you're not still mad at me are ya?" Came a voice that seemed too sincere and small to come from Eddy's boisterous mouth.
"Why would I hold ill will towards you Eddy? You only betrayed my trust and confided to Nazz who sought out Kevin to 'fix me,' I don't see an issue." Eddward said almost sarcastically as he shut his locker with enough force to cause Eddy to flinch beside him.
"Come on Dee, it wasn't even like that. Besides I never thought Nazz would tell Kevin of all people," he pleaded, his voice starting to rise.
Eddward slapped his hand abruptly on the closed metal door and stared in disbelief at Eddy, "he's her best friend."
Eddy turned his gaze away and tightened his arms across his chest. His face was scrunched up but soon relaxed as his eyes fell upon something, or rather someone. Eddward turned his attention to where Eddy's eyes had drifted. Nazz was walking down the halls with a few of the cheerleaders and a couple of the guys from the football team. One of them tried to put his arm around her, but Nazz shooed his hand away. Eddward turned his attention back to Eddy who was now battling with the urge to walk over and claim his girlfriend. Nazz looked over to Eddy and smiled brightly and Eddy turned his face from her. Hurt splashed across Nazz's face as she stopped at the destination the group had originally been heading for, Kevin's locker.
Kevin's locker just had to be a few yards from his as fate would have it.
"Honestly Eddy, just go talk to her."
"Are you fucking serious Sockhead? I can't just walk over there," Eddy said as he pushed off the locker he had been leaning against so he could face Eddward head on.
"She's your girlfriend Eddy and she clearly doesn't like this preposterous arrangement."
Even though Nazz had announced to the cul-de-sac kids that she and Eddy were together no one at school knew. To Eddward's knowledge none of her girl friends knew either. She was popular and beautiful and girls like her simply didn't go for lowlife scum like Eddy according to the social cliques of high school. The last thing Eddy wanted was for Nazz to fall from grace by dating him. It was only a year. After the school year was over things would be different.
"Not like I like it either," he replied.
Eddward sighed and looked back over to who Nazz was talking with. She was leaning against the locker by a boy in a distinctive red hat. Kevin finished grabbing his books from his locker and tossed them in his bag. He swung the backpack over his shoulder and closed his locker with his elbow before leaning into it. In a way Kevin and Nazz looked like they were dating, it pissed Eddy off to no end, but it did help their situation. If people believed Nazz and Kevin were together then no one would try to talk to her.
Eddward watched Kevin talk with Nazz and took in every detail of the jock. The way his bangs poked out from beneath his signature hat. How his dark gray hoodie hugged his body perfectly. The way his jeans amplified his legs. His strong jaw and the handsome curve of his smile. Him in general. Eddward remembered glimpses of Kevin's bare chest. The images felt like a distant memory of a night that should have been forgotten.
"Ahem," came the annoyed cough of his short friend smiling beside him and Eddward scowled as he turned to meet Eddy's criticizing eyes, "how much longer were ya gunna stare at him?" Eddy asked as a devilish smirk began devouring his face.
Later that day after Eddward had banished Kevin from his house and made a destructive gash in his leg he'd gone to Eddy's home. At first he purely wanted to confront Eddy and find out what had been said to Nazz. He knew Eddy would never purposely expose his cutting secrets, but he needed reassurance that this information was still safe. That kind of knowledge couldn't be floating around amongst their peers.
During the conversation Eddward had told Eddy of how Kevin had come home with him and one way or another, Eddward still wasn't quite sure how, but Eddy had placed all the pieces together. Years of hiding his desire for Kevin had been discovered unintentionally in a single moment. He had kept the details to a minimum. He hadn't revealed that Kevin wore his clothes to bed, calmed him, hugged him, and slept shirtless beside him. Eddy just knew by the raging blush that burned his cheeks, but he accepted him.
"Take your own advice Sockhead, just go talk to him," Eddy said smiling greedily as he challenged Edd.
Eddward scoffed as he turned from Eddy and began walking to his next class which they coincidentally shared. Eddy hurried alongside to keep up with him. Eddward was still mad at Eddy in a way and he hated that his feelings were now known, but in a way it was a relief. At least now he knew he would be accepted by his friends and not shunned.
"It's hardly the same Eddy."
"Whatever you say, Dee," came his sleazy comeback.
Eddward rolled his eyes as they approached their history class. They filed into the classroom which housed rows of desks accompanied by seats. Eddward sat towards the back so he was beside the window and Eddy sat beside him on the other side. Their teacher let them stick with the seats they had chosen on the first day and Eddward was happy for that. A few years ago he would have chosen one of the very first seats close to the front, but those days were dead and gone. Being in the back corner gave him a sense of solitude even when the room was full of students.
As the bell sounded and the teacher began talking Eddward's eyes focused on the window. He knew this material already and wasn't too keen on paying attention to the lecture, that was until the teacher called for everyone's undivided attention.
"Well, it seems we have a new addition to the class. Welcome Kevin Barr, what brings you to World History II?" The teacher asked.
Eddward swallowed the lump which had been forming in his throat. This year they didn't share a single class which Eddward was relieved about, until now.
"Guess there was a mistake on my schedule. They had me in a history class I'd already taken, took them a few days to fix it." Kevin answered as he surveyed the classroom.
"Hmm, we already have pairs assigned for your project due after winter break. Let's see, we'll have to make a group of three."
Eddy's smirk grew as his eyes fell on Eddward who shifted uncomfortably. He and Eddy were partners; Eddy wouldn't dare offer Kevin sanctuary in their group. Eddy's hand shot up followed by his forced willingness to help out.
"Kevin can join our group."
Kevin's eyes snapped up to the sound of Eddy's voice and he scowled, but when his eyes fell on Eddward they softened slightly for only a moment. Eddward lowered his gaze as he tugged on the sleeves of his sweater.
"Very well, you'll be with Eddy and Eddward," the teacher said as he jotted something down on a piece of paper, "please find an empty seat, Mr. Barr."
Kevin sat on the opposite side of the classroom which Eddward was thankful for. Eddward's murderous eyes fell back on Eddy who looked at him innocently.
"To answer your question from earlier Eddy, not only am I furious with you, I completely despise your existence."
Eddy gave a small bark of laughter at his friend's choice of words. His face was turned towards the front of the classroom where he could see a certain red-head turn slightly in his chair. Kevin glanced at them from over his shoulder but didn't make direct eye contact. Eddy was very observant, however and noticed this action.
"You can thank me later Sockhead."
"Kevin and I are not friends, Eddy."
"Isn't that your fault for bein' a dick?" Eddy asked as he cast Edd a side glare, asking him to challenge his word.
Eddward huffed, but didn't answer.
Eddward spent the rest of the class staring out the window and then staring at his wrist which was still covered by his sweater. After he cut his thigh he'd been fine if that made sense. He was able to relieve all his pent up frustrations and anger in a few agonizing, yet glorious moments. He hadn't felt the desire to cut since then, until now.
The thought of working with Kevin for the next few months made his fingers feel uncomfortably numb. His chest ached and he missed the feeling of a blade perched securely between his thumb and index finger. He unraveled in front of Kevin for some reason and he couldn't figure out why. Whenever he was near Kevin he felt the edges of his mind unravel. Kevin was able to comfort him in ways no one had been able to and that scared Eddward.
He wasn't the trusting type. He couldn't let Kevin in and expect him to know and understand everything that was wrong with him. Kevin would demand answers. Kevin would require more than he was willing to give. Kevin was dangerous. Kevin threatened his control. And for some reason, Kevin gave him an odd sense of hope. Eddward was dragged from his thoughts when the bell rang dismissing them from their class. He stood and collected his things as he made his way out of the room. Kevin was waiting by the door and he walked past him without a second glance.
Eddward continued down the hall until a hand clamped on his shoulder halting any further movement. Eddward was seething as he turned to lay eyes on the person who would dare touch him. His eyes hardened when he was met with Kevin's vicious smirk. Kevin had allowed Eddward to turn and once they were staring at each other his arm shot out holding him in place.
"You can't keep ignoring me, Dee."
Eddward relaxed slightly under the pressure, but kept his menacing gaze. "Remove your hand."
Kevin retracted his hand and Eddward was sad to watch it go, but he refused to let it show. His eyes followed Kevin's hand until it rested at his side. His eyes snapped back up to meet Kevin's. He was smiling as if he'd won the state championship.
"You busy after school?" Kevin asked.
"I have track practice until five."
"Alright, my practice lets out around then. I'll meet you on the field and you can fill me in on the details of our project on the way home." Kevin answered and then turned to leave, "Later Dee," he called out over his shoulder as he disappeared into the crowd of students rushing off to their next classroom destination.
Eddward was left dumbfounded. Kevin just told him they were going home together. Whose home? He wasn't sure. Thoughts of Kevin walking through his house without a shirt on filtered through his mind for a second time that day and a warm sensation spread through his muscles. He shook his head. Kevin was becoming a reoccurring problem. Eddward still hadn't decided if it was a welcome one or not.
-LunaMaye