How does one define strength? Well to define the word, first we must figure out the context. For some strength is derived from muscle power and the will to become stronger. On the other hand strength could be used to describe someone's willpower and the courage to move on through hardships. With all strength there comes weakness because where there is light there is also darkness. Everything has a balance. The scary thing about balance is that it stands on a fine line that can easily tip in favor of one direction. Eddward's balance was teetering on the edge of chaotic insanity.

Eddward's strength came from his control over his body. He found his strength in the sleek aftermath of a carefully etched mark on his skin. He placed himself in power of what happened to him. When you control the pain, you control yourself, but when multiple unknown factors come into the carefully designed equation the outcome is up for debate.

Kevin was an unknown, a variable that could make or break him depending on the circumstances. Jensen's release was a long overdue obstacle that changed everything. It was one thing to know he was locked up. While he was behind bars life went on and Eddward dealt with his problems with precision derived from a blade. Jensen had started this endless nightmare, maybe he was the solution.

Eddward felt Kevin squeezing his hand, but his focus was lost in the glare of the television screen. If he had died that night maybe Jensen would have served life in prison. That sounded like closure, right? But Eddward was alive, not entirely well, but alive. Jensen was walking the streets and his head was spiraling into a million different scenarios. What if they crossed paths again, not if, but rather "when," was the better term. His chest tightened as his lungs struggled to contain air. Now was not the time for a panic attack. His panic attacks only happened after a nightmare, but this was close enough.

His breathing came out like a strangled cough. Kevin was in front of him in an instant. His hands clamped firmly on Eddward's shoulders. Kevin was staring into his eyes, but Eddward was seeing right through him. Everything in that instance turned into one fuzzy blur. This reality didn't seem real, nothing seemed right. He felt his body being moved backwards until his legs touched fabric. He was sitting and Kevin was now crouched in front of him trying to break him out of the spell he fell under. His mouth was moving, he was sure words were being said, but anything audible was drowned out by the rushing blood he heard inside his head. Kevin's hand brushed his wrist and he snapped.

Eddward pulled his wrist out of Kevin's reach and into his chest and cradled it with his other hand. A wave of hurt washed over Kevin's face. There was pain set deep within his eyes. Eddward recognized that pain; he harbored the same within himself.

Rejection.

Eddward didn't want to let Kevin in anymore. Letting someone in opened a doorway for more pain, pain he wasn't sure he could control.

"Eddward?"

Kevin was becoming more comfortable regarding Eddward with his actual name and he liked how it sounded. Kevin broke him out of his panic attack the last time with the same word. Why did Kevin have this power over him? Slowly he felt himself coming back to reality. His vision was starting to focus. The sound of blood rushing through his veins died down. His breathing leveled. Okay, he was okay… not really, but lying to himself was his only option if he wanted to convince Kevin of the same.

"My apologies, Kevin."

Eddward relaxed and let his hands fall into his lap. Kevin was staring at him. He looked disgusted, no appalled, a little disheartened even. Eddward followed the red head's gaze. No, Kevin, wasn't looking at him anymore. He was staring at his wrist. His eyes were fixated.

A new level of panic washed over him.

His wristband, where was it? It was on him a few minutes ago, he was sure of it. His eyes jumped around them until he finally noticed it in Kevin's grasp. Kevin must have grabbed onto it and when he pulled away the wristband came off. He'd been so caught up in concealing away the pain that he didn't even notice that he'd exposed himself. He'd been lucky last time. Kevin was drunk and most of their encounter was in the dark. His panic attack had distracted him, but that wasn't the case this time.

There were no words to say. What could be said anyway? Was there an explanation he could offer? Eddward swallowed nervously. No one else was ever supposed to find out. Suddenly he wanted to regret everything, every single mark, but he was still proud of them. So why did Kevin knowing change things? Why did Kevin of all people make him want to regret his ways? He was happy. Well, he thought he was happy. Cutting gave him the control he so desperately craved. Up until earlier in the night he'd been trying to place a new work of art on his body, but now. Now he wished he could erase them all away for Kevin's sake.

Kevin reached out and traced a finger over one of the scars. Eddward didn't flinch. He was terrified and wanted nothing more than to curl up until this nightmare was over, but he couldn't find the energy to move. The jock stared at his wrist and he stared at the top of the jock's head. An eerie silence passed between them. Eddward cleared his throat to speak, but the words never surfaced. There was nothing to say really. Kevin wasn't the typical dumb jock, any excuse he offered wouldn't be believed.

A jolt of fear flooded through Eddward, what if Kevin wished to end their friendship. A week ago he had said they weren't friends. Maybe now the jock would act upon that statement. What if Kevin turned from him now? Kevin had seen him fall multiple times, maybe this was too much for the teen to handle. After all, Kevin would not be able to fix him, and even if he could it wouldn't be something Eddward would ever ask of him. That much pressure shouldn't be thrust upon someone.

"Get up," Kevin's words were hard and cold as they sliced through the air.

Kevin stood first and Eddward soon followed. They were standing within an inch of each other. Eddward could feel Kevin's hard breath as it passed by his face. Kevin's stance was firm and his shoulders were squared. His jaw was clenched and he almost appeared to be in pain. Eddward's fingers felt numb, his body felt foreign. Eddward was waiting for something: yelling, a slap across the face, or perhaps a punch, but no such vulgarity happened. Instead Kevin's arms shot out and he hugged Eddward tightly into his own body.

Eddward's mouth gaped open at the sudden gesture. Kevin was clinging to him desperately. Eddward slowly brought his arms up and tightened them around the warm body which pressed into him. Kevin's face brushed by Eddward's cheek and he felt a wetness strike his skin, but he was not crying, was he? No, but Kevin was. Eddward's heart began to shatter slowly and chip away piece by agonizing piece. He never meant for anyone to hurt over him. Eddward dropped his head so it could rest in the nape of Kevin's neck. He wanted to say something, but for the first time in a long time his clever words eluded him.

A soft whisper finally broke the stifling silence,

"Please, don't do it anymore. I couldn't take it if I lost you." The voice did not sound like Kevin's but it was.

At that moment Eddward finally saw his destructive lifestyle for what it was. If his control caused someone he cared about pain, was it really control? Or was his new passion a dangerous way of fiddling with life. But he couldn't just stop cutting. Cutting was a part of who he was now. There was no other way of explaining it. He needed to do it. Kevin's confession complicated things. Eddward would need to be more careful from here on out. Stopping was not an option, but cutting less was a definite possibility. He would just need more control, he was capable of that, right? It would be his ultimate test.

"I'm sorry. I never meant for you to find out. Not like this at least."

Kevin pulled away, his face a red that almost rivaled his hair. He turned to grab the remote which laid discarded on the coffee table behind them. He shut the television off and cast the room into a darkness Eddward deemed comforting given the current mood. The only light left on was in the kitchen which barely made a subtle glow in the hallway. Kevin turned back to Eddward and grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the stairs. They ascended to the top in silence. Once they reached Eddward's door, Kevin opened it and lead them inside. Kevin walked to the bed and sat down while Eddward walked briskly to his phone. He quickly grabbed the razor which still laid beside it and tucked it subtly into his partially open nightstand drawer. He didn't need Kevin to know there should have been a fresh cut on his wrist that evening.

His phone displayed multiple missed calls and messages, five from Eddy, and eight from Marie.

Just as he was reviewing his calls his phone began to ring and Marie's name flashed on the I.D. Eddward sighed before answering.

"Greetings, Marie," he said in a halfhearted voice.

"Finally, Edd! Where have you been? I've been worried! I was about to drive over," she exhaled angrily.

"I apologize for the inconvenience, but I was not near my phone. I'm assuming you called regarding the news?" Eddward deadpanned, the last thing he needed was for Marie to start freaking out. He still had to deal with Kevin.

"Obviously! After what that asshole did to you I was worried. You didn't do anything stupid, right?" She asked trying not to panic as she waited for an answer.

Eddward exhaled, "No."

"Edd you can tell me-"

Eddward cut her off mid-sentence,"Marie, I've been with Kevin. He and I were working on a school project when we saw the news. I've yet to be alone." Eddward said trying to reassure her without having to say the words. He hoped it was a good enough answer.

He glanced to his side to peer at Kevin. The jock was staring at the floor. His shoulders sagged in defeat. Eddward turned his gaze away.

"Okay, but you'll call me right? I mean it Edd. I don't care what time or how many times. Please call me?" She begged.

"I will. Goodnight Marie."

He ended the call and placed his phone back down. He sighed as he turned back to Kevin who was now staring at him. His eyes were swollen from crying, but he wasn't trying to hide that. His body was tense as if one wrong move would cause him to snap.

"She knows?" He asked bluntly with a hint of his jealousy poking through.

"Yes. Only she and Eddy know."

Kevin nodded his head slowly as he processed the information. Eddward glanced at his alarm clock. It was only a little after seven, the odds of Kevin leaving tonight were slim, but still he had to try.

"Kevin, it is rather late. Perhaps you should-"

Kevin rose fast, "Don't you dare try to kick me out Dee. I'm not leaving you alone tonight. You can feed me some bullshit about how we're not friends all you want, but I'm staying right here." Kevin bit out angrily.

Well it was worth a shot.

Eddward nodded once, "very well then. Is it safe to presume you'll be sleeping in here as well?"

"Yup," came Kevin's quick response.

Eddward crossed his room to his dresser and retrieved some sweatpants and a shirt. He handed them to Kevin who snatched them hastily before he made his way into the bathroom. Eddward sighed again. This night was going to test just how much he could take. The news, while unsettling, was no longer his main concern. He knew Jensen was being released sometime this week. He'd been mentally preparing himself. Now he had Kevin to worry about. Which one was worse? That was up for debate.

Eddward stood and turned towards his dresser once more. He quickly changed into a pair of loose fitting pajama pants. The last thing he needed was for Kevin to see the agonizing gash on his thigh. He stood at his dresser and gripped the top tightly. Everything would be okay and even if it wasn't he just had to remember,

"It's okay not to be okay," he whispered to himself, he needed the reassurance.

The razor was in the drawer of his night stand. It was only a feet away from him. He could picture it perfectly in his mind. A hand touched his shoulder and his eyes snapped open. He turned his head away from Kevin's prying eyes as he walked towards the bed. He heard the light switch flick off from behind him and the room fell into darkness. Eddward sat on the edge of his bed facing the door. He felt the bed sink beside him as Kevin's weight settled.

Should he say something? No, probably not. Anything he wanted to say wouldn't come out right. Besides, he didn't want to have to explain something that he didn't quite understand himself. How do you tell the person you love- the person you care about, that causing bodily damage to yourself keeps you sane? How insane does that sound? It made perfect sense to Eddward. There was no way he would understand.

Eddward gradually laid back on the bed, but his head never touched the pillow. Kevin had extended his arm out. Eddward froze when his neck landed on the warm muscles beneath him. Kevin made a slight pulling notion on his arm and Eddward went to sit up, but Kevin's fingers tightened on his bicep.

"Come here," Kevin's voice came as a hushed whisper.

Eddward rolled over to face him and Kevin tightened his arm. The moonlight snuck in through the tiny crevices in the shades and illuminated Kevin's face. His eyes bore deep into Eddward's and he couldn't look away. Eddward was well aware of how unsettling his deadly lifestyle was for the people who knew about it. Eddy had been furious while Marie had understood. Eddy didn't know he still cut and Marie was ignorantly oblivious at times.

"Dee?" Kevin's voice came again.

Eddward finally averted his gaze and chose to stare at the rise and fall of Kevin's chest.

"Yes, Kevin?" his voice held an edge of defeat, Kevin wanted answers and promises, just like Eddy and Marie, he just knew it.

"Can I ask why?"

Well there was the question to end all questions. How was he going to answer this? Was there a simple answer, if so he had yet to figure it out himself.

"It's how I cope," he simply said.

It wasn't entirely a lie. Cutting was an excellent coping mechanism. While not ideal for most, it worked in his favor.

"I don't get it," Kevin admitted with confusion coating his words.

"I wouldn't expect you to understand."

"Tell me," he began and shifted his weight so he was lying on his side, "please?"

They were now lying face to face. Kevin brought his free hand up to lift Eddward's chin so their eyes could meet once again. Eddward resisted at first, but Kevin was determined. He grasped his chin firmly and lifted his face. Eddward's eyes were clamped shut. Kevin released his chin and cupped the side of his face. His thumb reached out and brushed below Eddward's eye. Eddward hadn't been aware he was crying. This was too much. It was all too much. His control had vanished and he was exposed for everything he was, a coward named, Double Dee.

"Dee, don't shut me out. Not now."

Shut him out? Eddward almost laughed. Of course he had to shut people out. Depending on others wasn't an option. Hell, his own parents had been the first to shut him out. Gone off to save the world while their son lay broken and in pieces at home. Hadn't he always been shut out? By associating with Eddy and Ed he was always an outcast in the cul-de-sac. But back then that was where he fit in best. But was the fit a good one? Yes he was an "Ed," but he was the black sheep amongst them. Eddy and Ed had always teased him about his inept vocabulary. Whenever an invention went wrong which produced a failed scheme, Eddy always blamed him. Maybe that was where his control issues stemmed from. His life was spiraling out of control long before Jensen abducted him.

"You don't get it do you?" Eddward's voice came out as a broken whisper, "I've shut everyone out? I've been alone my entire life. Everyone shut me out. My life was almost taken from me and I went through it alone. I wanted you to leave tonight so I could cut again. I won't be at peace until I do, but you can't see that. Can you?"

There wasn't a nice way to say how he felt. Kevin deserved the truth. Eddward pushed up on his hands in a desperate attempt to flee. He wanted to leave the bed. He would just sleep in the guest room, but Kevin had other plans. Kevin grabbed at his hands and pulled him. Eddward landed ungraciously on top of Kevin's body. Kevin shifted his weight so he could better hold Eddward in place.

"You're right, Dee. You were alone and I can't change what happened back then. And if what you say is true then you blame me too, right? I bullied you. Do I make you want to cut?" Kevin asked with a hint of anger seeping into his tone.

Eddward was straddling Kevin's body and his hands had balled up tight fistfuls of Kevin's shirt. He was still trying to push away, but he knew that if he clung to Kevin he wouldn't get anywhere. He needed to fight off these feelings. This wasn't going as he thought it would. His eyes were scrunched tight as he tried to fight off the tears that were slowly threatening to fall.

"Answer me, Dee. I need to know. Am I one of the reasons?"

No! He wanted to scream it. No, you were never a reason. You could never be a reason!You very well may be the solution. The words were trapped behind his tonsils. They were stuck in the back of his throat and he couldn't get them out. They were tangled in his vocal cords strangling him as they tried to break free.

"Eddward!" Kevin's voice sounded pained and desperate for an answer.

And there it was again, his name. That one simple word that unraveled him when it fell from the lips of the body below him. He stopped resisting. There was no fight left, not one worth winning anyway. No one had fought for him like this ever before. No one had been so openly blunt and honest. Is this what affection felt like? Was this 'tough love'? Eddward slowly relaxed. His hands gradually released the rumpled fabric of Kevin' shirt. He slowly eased his body down until his head was flush on Kevin's chest. Strong arms released his and came up to encircle him in a tight embrace.

He counted the number of beats Kevin's heart gave off and listened to every inhale and exhale. In that moment he didn't want to be alone and it scared him. It scared him more than anything. He'd never relied on a person like this before. Was this okay? Would it be too much to ask of Kevin? And if it wasn't too much when would it become too much? When would Kevin realize what a burden being involved with him would be? Did he not see it yet? Was he truly this naïve?

The fabric of Kevin's shirt was wet beneath his face. He was crying and he couldn't stop. Kevin was no longer squeezing him; instead he was rubbing his hands up and down his back. Eddward should have felt embarrassed, but surprisingly he wasn't.

"No."

Kevin's hands stopped moving, "what?" he asked.

"My answer is, no. You were never a reason."

Eddward turned his head to the side and crawled off of Kevin. Truthfully, Eddward wanted nothing more than to stay how they were for the remainder of the night, but something inside him made him move. He curled his body beside Kevin's and rested his head on Kevin's arm.

"Dee, I meant what I said downstairs. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

For some reason those words bothered Eddward. Yes, maybe now they were on the borderline of friendship. Marie had said a statement similar not too long ago and he was okay with that. But hearing Kevin say it was different.

"What makes you think you have me?" his words came out colder than he meant.

Kevin's hand reached out and his fingers entwined with Eddward's, "this."

That single word along with the gesture held so much confidence.

Eddward looked up. Kevin's face was exceedingly close. They'd been close before, but never like this. Eddward felt his heart pump faster inside his chest. Kevin's eyes were glossed over, whether it was from tears or lust, Eddward wasn't sure, but he was positive he held the same look of passion in his eyes.

Kevin squeezed their laced fingers, "and this," he said ad his lips descended slowly.

Eddward's eyes shut on their own account. He felt soft lips touch his own and for a moment every trouble he had seemed nonexistent. This felt better than a razor. This was pure and utter bliss. Eddward had pictured kissing Kevin before, but his lips weren't like this in his fantasies. Guys lips weren't supposed to be this soft and inviting were they? Eddward felt Kevin untangle their fingers and his hand shot up to Eddward's hat. He felt his hat slide off as gentle fingers pushed through his hair. Kevin's tongue poked out and licked Eddward's bottom lip. Eddward's body ignited as he granted Kevin passage into his mouth. His lips slowly parted as a warm tongue touched his own.

Eddward didn't care about dominance; Kevin could be in charge of this kiss. He just didn't want the kiss to end. Their tongues swished against each other for a few more moments before Kevin slowly started to pull away. Eddward let out a low grunt which earned him a soft chuckle from the body beside him. When he finally opened his eyes Kevin was staring back at him with a satisfying grin planted on his face.

"Okay, so you have me," Eddward said as he turned in the opposite direction.

He felt Kevin push toward him until his body was flush against his back. Kevin's arm shot out to wrap around Eddward in a tight hold. His head nuzzled into the nape of Eddward's neck.

"Dee?"

"Mmm." Eddward didn't want to talk anymore; sleep was pulling at his consciousness.

"Promise me that you won't do it anymore?"

Eddward's eyes shot open. And there it was. The deadly question which only had one right answer, one he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep. Unless you cut you don't understand. It isn't something you can just stop, not when you're in that deep.

Eddward didn't know why he said it, but the words came,

"I promise."

Kevin must have been satisfied with the reply because his body relaxed against Eddward's. A few moments later his breathing evened out and Eddward was sure he was asleep.

A knot was tying itself in the pit of Eddward's stomach. He never made promises he couldn't keep. When Eddy had asked him he had said, "Eddy, I promise I won't lose control like that ever again," and it had been the truth. He hadn't lost control since. Just because Eddy didn't know what the terms of control meant didn't mean he broke his promise. But this promise, this was different. Kevin was straightforward. This promise stirred a fear deep within his soul. This might end up being the first promise he ever broke.

If Eddward cut he would break Kevin's trust. Was his control worth it?

-LunaMaye