The mail sat in a nice neat pile on his kitchen table. A few bills, some junk mail, and a white, square envelope addressed to Eddward from his parents. After Kevin had left he'd done some homework, some studying and reading. Now the day was nearing its end so he'd decided to go on a run and on the way back he'd grabbed the mail. He haphazardly threw it on his table and noticed one piece did not look like the rest. He didn't even need to read the return address or look at the handwriting to know who it was from. He got a card whenever they couldn't make it to a holiday or special event in his life.

But this time something was different. Eddward was different.

He hadn't heard from his parents since the morning he flipped out on Kevin and kicked him out. That morning wasn't one of his finest. Eddward sat at the table with a towel draped around his neck from his shower. Besides the towel, only a pair of black basketball shorts adorned his body. Eddward flexed his fingers and then squeezed them into tight fists maybe a few dozen times before he finally opened the envelope. He pulled the card out, but he couldn't muster up the strength to read it.

His chest felt tight like an iron fist was clamping down on his lungs. Blood started rushing through his ears and his vision became foggy. No. Not now. Why was this happening right now? He lifted his hands up to his face and noticed how they were shaking. He felt nauseous. He quickly snatched up the card and crumpled it. He squished it tight between his palms. His knuckles started bleeding again and a few droplets fell onto the table.

Eddward saw them fall in slow motion. His eyes were fixated on the tiny beads which had collected themselves on his table. He dropped the card and gently pushed his chair back before standing. He stared at his delicate hands. The blood had slid down from one of his knuckles and down his hand in a perfectly straight, red line. It was beautiful. He brought a finger to the blood and wiped at it, clearing a path which showed unharmed skin beneath.

His body seemed to move on its own account as he climbed his stairs to the second floor bathroom. Eddward swallowed hard as he opened the bathroom door and flicked the light switch on. Three months, it had been three long, cut free months. He looked down towards his wrist, his last cut had completely healed and now only a thin line of fresh skin embellished the area. There were others like it, all neat and defined along his wrist. It was as if he used a ruler to carefully mark out each new destination.

He was sweating now; he was aching to make a new creation in his flesh. Why? He'd been just fine earlier that day after he and Kevin had talked. Would he really jeopardize the promise he made to Kevin over a stupid card from his parents? Eddward stared at his sore and bruised knuckles which were now covered in dried blood again. Kevin was furious when he saw the damage earlier. No. He couldn't do that to Kevin. Not right now.

But Kevin isn't here right now. Some foreign voice whispered from somewhere in the depths of his mind. Kevin was gone until possibly Saturday.

No. He shook his head violently and backed up until he bumped into the wall.

Eddward felt horrible, but he knew what he had to do. He reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone and went to call the one person who was always there to listen, but hesitated when he saw her name.

When was the last time he had talked to her? A month ago? Maybe two? Marie had graduated high school the previous year so he never saw her at school anymore. For the first time, Eddward realized what a horrible friend he was. He'd been using her this entire time and he didn't even acknowledge it. Sure he had known. Deep down he knew it was the truth, but the dreams and panic attacks happened so often. And she was there, always there, but now… when had he been there for her?

He closed his phone and threw it out into the hallway where it hit the wall with a dull thud.

What was happening to him?

Eddward's nausea took hold of his body and he ran to his toilet to empty what little contents he had in his stomach. He heaved until there was nothing left, but bile. Once he had finished he wiped his mouth and rolled onto the floor. One cut, just one… he could stop after one. He needed this, if not he wasn't sure what would happen. Breathe Eddward just breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

He started coughing violently, his stomach was aching. He wrapped his arms around himself and waited for the sickening feeling to leave, but it didn't. He'd never had this kind of problem before. Even after Eddy found out, he was still able to maintain his dangerous lifestyle. Why was Kevin's knowledge causing this inner turmoil? He slowly sat up and reached for the drawer handle. He pulled it open ever so slowly and peered inside at the beautiful instruments which were held within. His razors smiled back at him.

He let his hand reach in and pick one. He gripped it firmly in his fingers as he brought the point down onto the knuckle which had started bleeding earlier. There was still fresh blood from when he opened the cuts from scrunching his fists, not all of it had dried yet and he wanted to see more. I'm not really cutting. He thought trying to reassure himself.

The point of the blade sent waves of pain down his nerve endings, but also a sense of blissful euphoria. A sadistic smile had etched itself onto his face as he pushed the point in further and twisted it. Tiny jolts of pain erupted inside his flesh causing sweat to bead along his forehead. This was perfect, just what he needed… a loophole.

A small bubble of guilt was forming in his stomach, or maybe that was the nausea coming back? Oh well, he could ignore it for the time being. Eddward could just make out a chime going off, but it felt so distant like it was miles away and not coming from within his own home.

Was that his ringtone for Kevin playing?

Kevin.

Eddward dropped the razor in the sink and looked at his reflection in the mirror.

His mask was gone. It had crumbled into hundreds of tiny pieces and chipped away until what was left staring back at him was someone he didn't even recognize.

"You disgust me," he said to his reflection. "I knew you would fail."

Eddward ran his hands under cold water to rid himself of the blood before wrapping a washcloth around his hand. He took the razor and dropped it into the trashcan. The chosen razor fell from grace and made a clang when it landed at the bottom.

Kevin's ringtone started playing again and Eddward hung his head in shame as he crossed the hall to retrieve his phone from the floor. He grabbed the phone delicately as he brought it to his ear.

He took a minute to compose himself before answering, "Hello, Kevin." He said trying to steady his breathing.

"Finally Dee, what took you so long? This is like the fourth time I tried calling you." Kevin answered and Eddward felt the knot of guilt turn into a wave and wash over him. He was going to drown.

"Sorry," was all he could muster up to say as he walked into his room and collapsed on the bed.

"You okay? You sound upset." Kevin asked concerned. Eddward brought his hand to his face and stared at the washcloth.

"I don't feel very well," he said, it wasn't entirely a lie. He felt like lowlife scum which was almost the same as being sick.

"Can I help? Do you want me to come over?" Kevin asked anxiously.

Stop trying to save me. You can't. That voice no longer sounded foreign, it was becoming hauntingly familiar.

"Dee?" Kevin called out as he started lacing his shoes up.

"That needn't be necessary, Kevin." Eddward said trying to assure himself. , "It's just been a long evening. I think I'm going to retire for the night. I'll speak with you later." He said and abruptly ended the call.

What was wrong with him? This was his own fault. He had let Kevin in and now he was going to drag Kevin down into the water with him. Eddward wasn't sure when the depths of oh his subconscious claimed his fragile mind, but soon he was sleeping. For once there were no nightmares, what nightmare could compare really at this point.

He awoke early the next morning. His phone was flashing beside him indicating he had new messages. He flipped open his phone as he scrolled through the new texts.

'Dee u sure ur ok?'

'Babe please answer me.'

':/'

'Just plz call me wen u wake up.'

'Ok?'

Eddward shut his phone. The guilt still swam inside his stomach, but it was something he could deal with. He made his way downstairs to where the crumpled card still sat on his table. He glared at it angrily. He was about to walk over to it when his doorbell went off. Edd turned to look at his front door. Who the hell was here so early?

Hope surged inside him… his parents? Wait… hope? No, no he didn't care about his parents. Well he did. They would always be his parents, but…

Eddward stumbled back. He grasped the table behind him to steady himself. After all these years, he still secretly hoped his parents would be home for the holidays. So pathetic. He cursed at himself as he felt tears fall from his eyes. Eddward fell to the ground and backed away until his back was pressed up against his fridge. His head lolled back as he blinked rapidly, but the tears wouldn't stop coming.

Eddward played the role of a tough guy. He was an actor plagued by deep rooted anxiety that bubbled just beneath the surface. He was a shell hardened by a terrible night which infected his humanity. Inside his hard exterior, a pathetic nerd named Double Dee hid. And Double Dee was secretly hoping and praying that he would one day be rescued. Every so often the shell would crack and Double Dee would find his way to the surface, if only for a few seconds. But almost the instant it happened he was sucked back down and Eddward would regain control.

Eddward scratched at his knuckles and he heard Double Dee scream inside of him. The pain kept the nerd locked away. Eddward continued to scratch at his knuckles until he couldn't tell he was doing it anymore. It became a calming rhythm as he lost himself in the notion. A thick, wetness coated his fingers, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. The pain was real and he had to focus on that. It was the only constant occurrence in his life which never seemed to fail him. Happiness had never seemed further from him than in that moment.

Eddward was vaguely aware of another presence in the room. Strong, warm arms grabbed him and pulled him close. A rough voice was screaming at him, but he couldn't focus on that right now. His mind honed in on the pain. He felt someone grab at his wrists. No one was allowed to touch his wrists! He tried to yank them back, but a viselike grip held him firmly in place. Anger coursed through his blood as he tried to pull back again.

Another coarse yell, but Eddward couldn't make out who was scolding him. The voice sounded angry and afraid at the same time, but why? Eddward wasn't doing anything to the owner of the voice. Something brushed by Edd's cheek and then a soft pressure was placed on his mouth. Eddward recalled this feeling from several previous encounters. His eyes slowly began to focus. A blurry red hat came into vision. The rest of Eddward's senses slowly started coming back to him. He felt Kevin's hands gripping his wrists tightly as the redhead pulled back from the kiss.

"Dee, you gotta snap outta this babe. Please." The last word cracked his voice.

Eddward tried to reclaim his wrists and pull them back again, but Kevin wouldn't let them go. Kevin was pleading to him, begging him to break out of his trancelike state. Eddward blinked a few more times before his vision finally allowed him to see. Kevin was crouched in front of him. His eyes were bloodshot and his face held a reddish tint. He was wearing a disheveled t-shirt and some sweatpants. Honestly, he looked awful, like he hadn't slept well the previous night.

Eddward swallowed as the guilt finally set in. He felt it reach out and squeeze his neck between its bony clutches. Eddward didn't deserve Kevin. Eddward deserved pain and right now Kevin was in more pain than Eddward had ever seen before. He fought against the guilt until he was able to form a single word.

"Kevin," Eddward whispered.

Kevin released his wrists and grabbed Eddward in a tight hug. He buried his face into Eddward's neck as he held onto him for dear life. Eddward brought his hands up slowly and wrapped them around Kevin to return the gesture. They stayed like that for a few moments before he felt Kevin pulling away.

Kevin stared at Edd. His eyes tightened and his jaw was set firmly.

"Don't you ever do that to me again." His words sounded like ice as they pierced through Edd's ears.

Eddward was confused. "I don't understand."

"What the fuck Dee! Do you even know how worried I've been about you? Hell I didn't sleep at all last night. I was planning on pretending to be sick this morning so I wouldn't have to go out of town with my parents, but thanks to you I didn't have to pretend. The second my step mom saw me this morning, she knew I was sick." Kevin shouted angrily.

Eddward was silent. His hands were aching. He looked down at his fingers and saw blood. He picked up one hand and brought it just above the other, but Kevin grabbed him.

Eddward looked up into Kevin's eyes. There was so much pain hiding behind them, and he had caused it. All of it.

Eddward turned his face. He refused to face him. He didn't deserve someone like Kevin in his life. Eddward was like a virus and he didn't want to contaminate someone else anymore.

"Eddward."

Eddward shut his eyes and scrunched them up tight until he saw an array of bright colors display inside his sockets.

He felt Kevin's weight settle beside him against the refrigerator. Kevin deserved some answers, even if he didn't receive the entire truth he deserved to hear something right?

Kevin is the reason I'm like this. If it wasn't for that promise I could have made a smooth cut along my wrist and this whole scenario could have been avoided. A voice echoed in his mind. Eddward mentally shook the voice away.

"I.. I received a card from my parents. And that is what lead to the position you found me in." Eddward said as he pointed up to his table.

Kevin followed the direction Edd pointed in and stood up to retrieve the crumpled card and then sat back down beside him on the floor. Kevin began to straighten the card out when Eddward let out a low laugh which caught Kevin by surprise.

"I never even read the damn thing," Eddward said with his eyes still fixed on the table where the card had been.

Once, Kevin, had the card open he took a deep breath before he read the first line, "Dear Eddward," he started and then looked over to Edd who now had his eyes scrunched up tight. Kevin reached over and grabbed his hand being careful of Edd's damaged knuckles. He held the card in the other. He waited until Edd opened his eyes back up before he continued from the top,

"Dear Eddward,

The last time we spoke you seemed so angry and I can't help, but wonder why? Sweetheart, your father and I have done everything we can to prepare you for a successful future. I know you may not always understand why we are away, but we do it all for you. We love you Eddward and the next time we're home we'll celebrate your acceptance into Stanford.

All our love, Mother and Father"

The last line hung in the air like an unappetizing stench as the words tumbled around in Edd's ears. He felt fresh tears beginning to blur his vision, but he didn't possess the willpower to stop them. What was the point right now? Once again Kevin had managed to witness another deranged episode of his life. Was this some kind of crude joke? Would Eddward ever be able to wallow in self-pity without the presence of another soul? His melancholy thoughts brought on a new wave of nausea and he turned his head down.

He felt Kevin's hand give his a light squeeze and he screwed his eyes in pain before he ripped his hand away. Kevin stood wordlessly and crossed to the other side of the kitchen. He began to open various drawers and cabinets which irritated Eddward.

"What, pray tell, are you searching for?" Eddward's voice sounded hoarse.

Kevin didn't look at him as he gave his answer, "A first aid kit. Got one in here or the bathroom?"

Eddward sighed as he pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead on them.

"Second drawer down, near the stove."

Right below the knives. That voice needed to stop.

Kevin made a triumphant "hmf," noise as he retrieved the small box. He placed it near Edd and then grabbed some paper towels near the sink and drenched them in water. After wringing them out he sat down in front of Eddward. He grabbed at Eddward's hand and began to dab at it with the paper towel. After wiping a majority of the blood away he grabbed some rubbing alcohol and poured some on another paper towel. As he placed it on Eddward's hand he hissed and tried to pull his hand back but Kevin held him in place firmly. Eddward pushed his forehead harder into his knees.

"Kevin, I'm fully capable of-" Eddward began before Kevin's harsh words interrupted him.

"Shut up."

Eddward clenched his teeth together irately as he lifted his head and glared at Kevin.

"Excuse me?" he bit out.

Kevin ceased his actions for a moment as his eyes met Eddward's. He lifted a single eyebrow as if daring Eddward to say another word. Eddward narrowed his eyes as Kevin dabbed some more rubbing alcohol on the open cut. Eddward hissed, but held his composure; his body had endured far worse than this before. After a few moments of staring each other down, Kevin broke eye contact as he finished cleaning Edd's knuckles and began wrapping a bandage around his hand.

"So you gunna tell me what the fuck happened or ya just gunna keep lying to me?"

Eddward rolled his eyes as the remark danced off his tongue, "Your grammar is appalling."

"Is this a fucking joke to you Dee?" Kevin raised his voice as he stood.

He began pacing back and forth and Eddward's eyes stayed level at his knees as he watched him move swiftly from one spot to the next.

"What would you like me to say?" he deadpanned.

Kevin froze as a spike of fury ran through his bones. "Oh, I don't know Dee." Kevin started off sarcastically, "how about 'I'm sorry for worrying you Kevin,' or 'hey, something's bothering me, here's the truth." Kevin spat.

Kevin ran a hand through his hair, effectively knocking off his hat in the process. It landed ungracefully on the floor a few meters from Edd's scrunched up figure. Eddward's anger had slowly dispersed and only now did he realize how cold he was. He was still shirtless from his shower the previous day. An odd thought struck him suddenly and he couldn't figure out why he wanted to, but he did. Maybe it was a desperate attempt for Kevin to understand or maybe it would be a grave mistake. He stretched out his legs until his feet were centimeters from where Kevin stood.

Eddward watched as Kevin took in his form. His eyes traveled along his legs, up to his shorts and his eyes froze when they reached Edd's midsection. Hard green eyes turned immensely soft as Kevin reached out beckoning Edd for his hands. He helped Eddward stand up and his eyes never once left the scarred flesh above Eddward's navel. With all the commotion he figured Kevin hadn't noticed before. Kevin's hands had brushed by the scar on previous occasions, but he never actually looked at it.

A vast range of emotions tumbled across Kevin's features and Edd began to second guess himself. Would he understand now?

Kevin reached out and brushed his hand against the scar's tough looking exterior. Eddward mentally flinched. There was no turning back after this. The only other people who knew that he was stabbed were Eddy, Marie and his parents, but he'd kept the rest a secret from everyone. People talked about his accident and there were many different stories out there, but he kept the details to himself. He didn't want all that extra attention. Kevin finally brought his eyes up to meet Edd's, they begged for answers.

Eddward's eyes refused to focus on Kevin's, instead, they found a freckle on his chest and that's where they stayed.

"I haven't spoken to my parents since the morning after Nazz's party. They've acquired this engrossed vision that I'll follow in their footsteps and occupy the medical field. I'm fine when I don't hear from them; I've grown accustomed to the emptiness. It's when they randomly make an appearance… that's why I…" Edd felt a sob forming in his throat and he didn't want to continue speaking.

Kevin grabbed his chin and forced Eddward to look at him, "you can tell me," he coaxed.

Eddward felt like his eyes were trembling as he stared at Kevin. Could he really tell him? Why not, what else did he have to lose?

"That's why I cut. When I cut I control the pain."

There he had said it. It sounded weird saying it aloud. Eddward swallowed and grabbed Kevin's hand. He brought Kevin's fingers to his scar.

"This was meant to kill me, the final blow, but it didn't. This was the l-last time pain was out of my control." He stuttered and he hoped Kevin didn't catch it.

He'd lost control while cutting once, but that was different and also a long time ago.

Kevin's expression softened as awareness washed over and consumed him. Eddward needed Kevin to understand. He needed someone to understand.

If someone understood then maybe…

Just maybe…

Maybe he wouldn't feel so alone.

…

Or maybe he'll drown too…

-LunaMaye