Sometimes you don't realize how much someone means to you until it's too late. The moments you once took for granted become a lifeline that you'll cling to. You try to convince yourself that everything will be okay. You relive those fond moments over and over until they become akin to your favorite played out childhood movie.
But the sad thing about that childhood movie is that eventually you don't even remember it was your favorite. Years pass and you won't even think of it. Eddward didn't want Marie to become that type of memory. She was worth more than that.
Marie was a Kanker. She was wild and reckless. She was a ruthless free spirit. But most important of all, she was there. She was always there. In the dead of the night after a nightmare. At quarter past five after a terrible track meet. At six in the morning when he couldn't find the strength to go to school. After every mind numbing panic attack she was the one constant reminder of hope in his life.
Except for the last few months, but not for lack of trying, but because of Kevin. Eddward had Kevin and Marie was left with nothing. No phone call, no passing glance. Not even a goodbye. Eddward was a terrible friend.
His shins ached as his feet pounded against the cold concrete. He always stretched before he went for a run. His calves were burning. He was going to hate himself tomorrow, but for now, he had to push on. With every passing moment, he was closer to getting to her. The icy wind pinched his eyes. He rubbed his nose with his sleeve. It was freezing out, maybe even cold enough to snow.
Eddward rounded the corner, the park was in sight. He dashed through the entrance and surveyed his surroundings as he skidded to a halt. His eyes fell upon a slender figure hunched over on a slow swaying swing. His feet began to move on their own accord as he approached the swing. He felt the weight of the world settle upon his shoulders until it became too much. He fell to his knees before her. All the worry and fear started seeping through to his eyes causing them to water.
He placed his hands on hers. She was freezing. She was only wearing leggings and a thin zip-up hoodie.
"Marie," the name practically fell off his lips in a breathless whisper.
Her hands tightened beneath his and he saw a tremble run through her body. Breath escaped her lips in a tiny puff of fog.
Eddward held her hands firmly as he looked up at her. The hood of her sweater was up and he couldn't make out her face in the darkness. She sniffled and he knew she was trying not to cry.
"Hi, Edd." She said in a soft voice, nothing like the brute tone she usually possessed.
"Marie, what happened?" He asked.
She was silent for a moment until she found her voice. "I'm so stupid."
Eddward's heart ached at her confession. He lifted his hand off of hers and went to touch her face, but she flinched away. He quickly withdrew his hand and placed it back over hers. A tiny jolt of pain pricked at his heart.
All the emotions he'd been feeling since he ran to the park were suddenly lashing out at him. He felt a stray tear fall freely from his eye. It rolled down his cheek and fell to the ground. Marie must have seen the tear fall in the moonlight. She removed one of her hands from under Edd's and cupped his cheek, smearing the saline trail in the process.
She tilted her head slightly and Edd swore he saw a small smirk grace her chapped lips.
"I'm sorry Edd. I know you'd never hurt me."
"Marie, please tell me what happened?" Eddward begged.
Her hand stiffened against his face and fell.
"I'm s-sorry Edd. I-I didn't know what to do." She sobbed as she brought her hands to the sides of the hood.
She pulled it back slowly, but her face remained firmly downcast. Edd stared at her hair which fell around her face like a cerulean curtain, blocking out her features. He raised his hand to her chin and slowly tipped her head back. Her hair parted as her face became visible in the pale moonlight. Eddward gasped.
Her right eye was swollen and bruised. But it wasn't a new bruise. This was the later stages of a yellowish bruise that was healing. Now that he could get a better view he could tell that her lips were more than chapped, they were cracked with trails of fresh drying blood. A deep burning rage rifled through Eddward's veins. It fueled a deep rooted hatred within his core. He looked at Marie and saw nothing, but red. The hand on Marie's chin remained gentle, while the one on her lap balled up into a tight white knuckled fist.
"Who?" He asked through clenched teeth.
He needed an answer.
No. He needed a name.
Marie swallowed. "Edd, I can expl-"
No excuses.
"Who did this?!" He yelled.
Marie jumped at his accusing tone. Like she was afraid of the verbal whiplash. Or maybe a fist that would follow his harsh words. But Eddward would never touch her. He would never hit Marie.
But someone did… someone had touched her.
Eddward rose to his feet, but Marie remained in the same spot, afraid to move. His hands clenched around the chains of the swing. He lowered his head in defeat as he leveled his words. Yelling at her wasn't going to solve anything. Yelling never resulted in a decent outcome.
"Please, Marie. There are very few things out of my control. Don't make this one of them."
Marie stood suddenly and collapsed against Edd. He let go of the swing and quickly wrapped his arms around her, trying to steady her. She sobbed quietly into his chest and all he could do was hold her.
A thought struck him like lightning in the dead of night. Followed by thunder that wakes you from a sound slumber and shatters your train of thought. Is this how Kevin felt? Eddward had never been on the receiving end while consoling someone. He felt helpless. There was virtually nothing he could do to make her feel better. All he could do was patiently wait for her to muster up the courage to speak. Until then he had to be the strength she needed.
A cold wind picked up and Marie shivered against him.
"Did you drive here?"
She nodded her head in response. Edd reached down and cupped her hand in his own.
"Come on. Let's go."
She panicked. "Edd, I can't go back to the trailer park."
It took all of his might not to force her to go there. Whoever hit her was there. And he knew it wasn't one of her sisters. She could hold her own against them.
"We'll go back to my house." He said and squeezed her hand reassuringly.
She reached into her pocket with her free hand and gave him the keys. They retreated in silence to her car. The clock on the radio read a little past nine. He doubted he'd be attending school in the morning. There was no way he could leave her like this.
"I'm sorry."
Eddward craned his head slightly to look at her but then refocused his attention on the road.
"What on Earth are you apologizing for?"
"I haven't talked to you in months and now that I have it's because of this." She answered.
Eddward didn't think he could sink any lower. He was the one who'd used her for comfort in the past and then abandoned her. He was the one who owed her an apology, not the other way around. Oh, the irony. He couldn't help the slight laugh that escaped his lips. Marie's head snapped in his direction.
"You think this is funny?" She screeched.
Eddward reached over and grabbed her hand reassuringly.
"Of course not, but this conversation is backwards. I'm usually the one who calls you late at night."
Marie readjusted her hood over her hair and turned to look out the window. "Yeah." She said as she laced her fingers with his.
The car rolled into Eddward's driveway and came to a stop. Reluctantly, Edd pulled his hand out of her grasp. She was scrunched up in the passenger seat. She looked so small and helpless. He sighed as he exited the car and rounded to the other side to open her door. He reached out to grab her hand and pulled her to her feet. They quickly entered his house and he ushered her upstairs and into his room. She hesitated by the door frame before entering, like she was out of place.
"You may shower if you'd like. I'll get you some clothes." Eddward said as he began searching through his dresser.
When he turned around she was looking at the various papers and textbooks strewn about on his desk.
"You were busy. You have tests tomorrow." She said as more of a statement than a question.
Eddward shrugged, he didn't care about school right now. "That doesn't matter right now."
She looked up and Eddward became trapped in her gaze. With the light of his bedroom illuminating her face he could finally see the full extent of the damage. Her eyes were puffy with hues of yellow and undertones of purple settling in around her right eye. Her nose also seemed inflamed on the corresponding side. Her lips were more than chapped. Her bottom lip was cracked and she sucked it into her mouth as she tried to stop the bleeding. That was a fresh hit.
Eddward's stomach did an uneasy flip as a wave of nausea overtook him. He dropped the clothes for her on his bed and hastily strode to her side. He lifted his hands up to cup her face and tilted her face up to his.
"When you're ready I need to know what happened." He said as he rested his forehead against hers.
Marie gave a small smile in response as he pulled away. She grabbed the clothes from the bed and then retreated towards the door. As she went to leave she gave him one last glance over her shoulder. He heard the bathroom door close followed by the spray of the shower moments later. Eddward changed into one of his fitted t-shirts and a pair of sweatpants. He sat on his bed and grabbed his phone off the dresser. He swore under his breath as he saw his missed calls.
Eight missed calls.
Three voicemails.
A dozen or so texts.
All of them originating from Kevin Barr.
Eddward put his phone on silent and placed it back on his dresser. He cradled his head in his palms as he hunched over the bed. Not only was he the worst friend in existence, but coincidentally he held the title of the worst boyfriend as well.
He had no outlet for relief anymore. Thinking about cutting meant calling Kevin. Calling Kevin would stress him out even more. He wanted to pound his hands into the particular individual who decided Marie was a punching bag. But that wasn't plausible at the current moment. He required an outlet for all his pent up emotions and there seemed to be none in sight. People can only take so much, some more than others. Edd was at the tipping point. He could feel it peaking in the horizon of his desolate existence.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his phone light up again with a new message from Kevin. He flipped the phone over and collapsed back onto his bed. He rested his arm over his eyes and sighed heavily.
He felt the seams of his rationality starting to give way. Overwhelmed was an understatement. Eddward was choking as the water engulfed him.
"You okay?" He heard Marie say.
Internally, he smiled at that.
"I should be the one asking you that." He responded.
He heard the flick of the light switch. Eddward removed his arm from his face. The only light illuminating the room came from the moon outside. He felt Marie's body weight settle beside him on the bed. He extended his arm out to her in an invitation which she graciously accepted. She pressed her body against him and rested her head on his shoulder. He could feel her physically relax against his body.
Marie had a calming effect on him. Ever since she found him multiple years ago bloodied, beaten, and on the verge of death. She was able to comfort him then and now here she was all busted up and still trying her best to make him feel better. It made him physically sick.
"How've you been? I was worried about you." She asked in a small voice.
Eddward felt his eyebrow raise out of habit. "Just wonderful." He answered sarcastically. He couldn't help it.
She hit his chest lightly. "Edd, seriously. I haven't heard from you in months."
Eddward let out an angry sigh. "I'm sorry Marie, but it's relatively hard to provide you with an answer when I need to know who fucking hit you." He snapped and regretted his words the minute they left his mouth.
Eddward rarely swore. Sure, in his head he would cuss someone out. But to hear the words leap off his lips was another situation entirely. He was disgusted with himself. He didn't want to make accusations and yell at her. The truth was he felt completely worthless. He was the one who stopped calling. He was the one who wasn't there. If he'd stayed in contact with her then maybe this never would've happened. In a way, he felt responsible.
He took a deep breath. "Please excuse my foul language. I've been better. Some days are better than others. Some are bearable. And on the other days I struggle with… well, you already know what I'm capable of doing."
He felt her fingers delicately crawl down to his wrists. Her touch was light against his skin as she traced her fingers from side to side.
"You haven't?" She asked with relief fully evident in her tone.
Edd shook his head, even though she couldn't see it. "Not for a while. On certain occasions, I've contemplated it. I almost slipped around Thanksgiving… actually, I did if we're being technical." He reached for her hand. "I beat the punching bag in the cellar until my knuckles bled and then I picked at the scabs with a razor… and then I blacked out and scratched at them until they bled even more." He paused. "I tried calling you. I wanted to. But at that point, I'd already ignored you for so long. I didn't feel worthy of your help. So I dealt with it myself."
"Edd!" she yelled as she pushed up on her arms to look at him. "Why would you let it go that far? I told you I'd be here. I never left."
"But I did, Marie. I'm not a real friend. Truthfully when have I ever been there for you? Can you think of a time because I'm having trouble recalling a single one." Eddward explained.
The weight of her body must have been too much because Marie collapsed on top of Eddward. The room dipped into an uneasy silence until Marie's quiet sobs reached Eddward's ears. He reached out and stroked her back which caused her to cry harder until her tears soaked through his shirt. He didn't know how to comfort her. How could he when he was the one who caused her this emotional turmoil. Was he any better than the person who put a hand on her?
Eddward could feel the tears welling up in his own eyes and he blinked rapidly to rid himself of them. He needed to be the strong one right now.
"I met a guy." She said in a tone barely above a whisper.
A twinge of guilt embedded itself in his heart. He wasn't there so she replaced him. But he didn't say a word in fear that she would stop talking.
"He seemed perfect. He said all the right things. He was always there."
Eddward continued stroking her back, but he was sure she felt the trepidation in his touch.
"And that's where the problem was. He always wanted to know where I was. Who I was with. What I was doing. He would show up in the middle of the night to make sure I was home. It was comforting at first, but then… then it became too much." She paused before continuing. "I saw you running one day. It was after Thanksgiving. I pointed you out and he got mad. He said I was too excited about seeing some guy I knew. It all happened so fast Edd… I didn't even see it coming. I was in shock. He just kept punching me and I tried to block him. I begged him to stop. And it-it just made him angrier. I told Lee and May that I got into a fight with some chick at the bar."
He stopped rubbing her back and just held on to her tightly.
"Earlier tonight we were watching a movie. I got up to get us some snacks and when I came back he had my phone. He found your name and he started yelling. I didn't realize he hit me until I was on the ground. I left as fast as I could. I didn't know where else to go. He's probably at the trailer park right now."
Eddward swallowed the lump that had been caught in his throat the entire time she was talking. He squeezed her lightly to let her know he was still listening.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." He said.
"I'm sorry too. I know how hard it's been for you in the past. You shouldn't have had to suffer alone. I know its hard to resist the temptation." She said.
She was trying to change the subject. Eddward felt a small smile crawl onto his face. Marie could go through hell and back and still want to make sure that he was okay. He envied how strong her heart was.
"I wasn't alone. Truly, I wished to be alone, but I had someone. I'm just not ready to let him completely in yet." He admitted.
He felt Marie tense up. "He?" she asked as if she had misheard him.
"Yeah. I'm sort of dating Kevin." He confessed.
Marie snorted and Eddward felt his eyebrows hit the top of his beanie.
"I knew you two would end up together."
"Oh did you?" Eddward asked.
"Yup, I remember the looks you used to give him. Not to mention you blushed every time he was near you. I'm happy for you, honestly. I'm glad you haven't been as alone as I thought you were. Did you tell him?" She asked as she prodded his wrist.
"Not exactly. He found out by accident and since then he's been a constant pain, its actually quite infuriating, if not admirable in a way. He's infatuated with fixing me rather than accepting me." Eddward sighed; it felt awkward saying how he felt, yet also relieving.
Marie was still partially lying on top of him and readjusted her head as she stared at him. "Wanna run that by me again with some more details."
"He wants to be here all the time. If I don't answer my phone he assumes the worst. If I act differently at school he gets defensive. If I want to be alone I get a lecture. If I don't allow him to spend the night I'm apparently pushing him away. Marie, there have been times when I've called you after the damage had been done and you never reprimanded me. Kevin caught me when I scratched my knuckles until they bled. He's seen me have panic attacks and completely break down and shut the world out. You'll listen to me while he just tries to fix me. I'm messed up and I accept it. I know cutting isn't the answer, but it's a choice I've made and I can live with it. He'll never understand."
Marie took a moment to soak everything in before she spoke. "Have you tried explaining this to him?"
"Yes, I showed him where I was stabbed. I was desperate for him to understand, to acknowledge that I physically need to have control over the pain done to my body. I'm fighting a losing battle here, Marie. Eventually, I may not survive this."
The last sentence left Eddward's mouth before he had a chance to fully process his words. Of course he'd thought about it. It had been there in the past. At the back of his mind all the countless times he took a blade to his flesh.
Suicide was the ultimate form of self-control.
He could control when he left and how much pain he felt in the process. Ever since he almost died at the hands of Jensen and his friends he promised himself that he would never fall victim to those kinds of circumstances again. Death was the ultimate escape, but he wasn't that desperate yet.
"Edd…"
"I won't kill myself, Marie. I didn't register what I was saying before I spoke. I'm just at the end of my rope over here." He admitted.
"When was the last time you spoke to him?"
"Earlier tonight. He wanted to come over, but I told him I would be studying for the remainder of the night. He's called multiple times. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't just shown up yet." Eddward admitted guiltily.
"You should call him. Don't let him go to bed worrying." Marie said as she got off the bed. "It's late anyway. I'm going to sleep. I'll see you in the morning."
Edd watched her leave. He listened to her soft footsteps down the hall until he heard the guest bedroom door open and then close. He rubbed at his eyes until vibrant pigments of the color spectrum flashed across his tired eyelids. He sat up and went to grab his phone. His hand hovered centimeters above the device, but he couldn't pick it up.
He shook his head as he stood up and made his way to the bathroom. The steam was still wafting in the air from Marie's shower. He saw that she had thrown her clothes in a pile on the floor. He grabbed them and went to put them into his hamper when he heard something fall to the floor.
He looked down, intrigued to see her phone staring back up at him with multiple new messages flashing on the screen. Eddward didn't believe in violating someone else's privacy, but this was different. It was personal. All the messages were from the same name.
Tom with a heart emoji.
'baby im sorry please come back we can talk about this'
'please babe'
'im sorry it wont happen again'
'im outside but I don't see ur car'
'where the fuck r u marie this isnt funny'
'where r u ?'
'?'
Eddward felt his blood simmering beneath the surface. This piece of shit had the nerve to try to contact her after everything he had done. Tom with a little heart after his name was a dead man who didn't even know it yet.
Eddward went to her contacts and began scrolling down the alphabetical list. He paused momentarily over his name; it too had a heart after it as well. Perhaps that was why Tom was outraged when he took Marie's phone. He continued down until he found the name and clicked on it. He smiled to himself; Marie was so thoughtful. She provided a picture for this despicable creature.
He stared long and hard at the picture. This kid went to Peach Creek High. He was wearing the school's baseball jersey. Eddward placed Marie's phone on the bathroom sink.
He gripped the porcelain as he steadied himself. He needed to control this rage. There was an anger festering deep within him. It was wild and unsettling as it tore through him destroying his rationality like a tornado. He could take Marie's car. He could go find this guy right now and make him pay for what he had done. Eddward might not have had a handle on his life at that given moment, but he could do something to make Marie's a little better.
He heard soft cries coming from down the hall and his anger took a back seat for a moment. She needed him here, fully here.
Inhale.
Exhale.
He exited the bathroom and made his way to the guest bedroom. He knocked lightly on the door and waited for Marie to say something. When he heard nothing he opened the door slowly and peered in. She was huddled under the blankets in a ball in the middle of the bed. Silently Eddward crossed the room and climbed into bed with her. He wrapped an arm around her and she laced her fingers with his and squeezed.
"I'll leave when you fall asleep." He whispered softly.
She sniffled. "No. Please stay."
His heart ached for her, so he obeyed.
Across the street, at Nazz's house, Kevin was pacing back and forth. Sure he and Edd were going through a rough patch right now, but all couples did at some point. Edd was studying. He just had to keep reassuring himself of that. But why wasn't he answering his phone? Why weren't the lights in his room on? Did Nazz really see him take off running down the street? And who the fuck was now parked in his driveway?
"Ugh! I can't take this anymore. I'm going over there." Kevin exhaled angrily.
"Chill dude, you can't just go breaking down his door every time he doesn't answer the phone," Nazz said trying to calm him, but she was failing terribly.
"I'm not going to kick his door in. I have a key." Kevin stated.
"Dee, gave you a key to his house? That's pretty serious." Nazz asked surprised.
Kevin let out an uneasy chuckle, "Well, not exactly. Big Ed gave it to me the night Eddy went crazy. He doesn't exactly know I have it." Kevin admitted sheepishly.
Nazz whacked him lightly across the chest. "Kevin! That's so not cool." She must have seen the distress written all over his face. "Look, maybe he just fell asleep. Stop jumping to conclusions."
"I can't help it Nazz. He wouldn't let me go over. You said you saw him run down the street-"
"Maybe it wasn't him." She said trying to reassure him.
"I just wanna know who's parked in the driveway. I swear, I stop looking out the fucking window for two seconds and now someone's over there. It's too dark to see what kind of car it is. Maybe I'll just-"
"Stop, Kevin. Just wait until tomorrow morning. Talk to him at school before your history class starts."
Kevin grunted. "Fine. Can I crash here tonight? My dad already thought I was sleeping out anyway."
"Sure Kev. Come on, let's watch a movie or something."
In the morning Kevin and Nazz walked past Eddward's house. Kevin was oddly quiet as he realized whom the car belonged to.
"Marie. He spent the night with Marie." He said.
Nazz waited patiently beside him as a range of emotions flickered across his face. It started with anger and ended with anguish.
"You spent the night at my house. I'm sure he has a good explanation, Kev." Nazz said reassuringly.
"I really hope so, Nazz."
Kevin had never felt like this before. He couldn't place the word. He was Mr. Popularity. Every girl in school wanted to date him. Cheerleaders practically threw themselves at him. He could have anyone he wanted. But the one he wanted was with someone else. Once Kevin sat in his homeroom classroom the word hit him hard and pierced through his heart.
Replaced.
LunaMaye