"I love you," he had said those words. Those deliciously, incredible words had toppled off of Kevin's tongue and tumbled out of his mouth like a beautiful, yet tragic symphony.

Love.

What an obtuse concept.

Could a heart like Eddward's truly be loved and accepted by another's. I mean, what is love? Let's break down the complex term of endearment that so many crave and yet so many dread.

Definition: a deranged senseless and volatile emotion.

Well that was easy enough.

Example: One moment love is beautiful and carefree, it creates a false sense of security that captivates both parties, but then it slowly turns to hate over a period of unforeseen time. Then onward to pain, anguish, and betrayal i.e., Kevin and Eddward's relationship.

So does love offer any honest purpose? And if love is so wondrous then why do all marriages end in til' death do us part? Well, love must end there because human souls are corrupted by sin and are therefore free once they pass into the afterlife.

But then again, maybe there isn't another side and you aren't greeted by loved ones once you go towards the light. Maybe nothing is waiting for you, or anyone for that matter.

Such a horrible outcome and a devastating realization.

Love must truly hold no meaning.

Eddward screwed his eyes shut as he stared at his bedroom ceiling. Marie had left earlier in the morning and although Eddward only had a half day of school, he chose not to go. Today was the beginning of winter break. He had two midterms and yet missing the tests bothered him nonetheless. His chest felt weighted and yet completely empty at the same time. A warm numbing sensation had taken over his body. He wasn't sure what he felt any longer. He was lost inside his own mind and he harbored no desire to be found. He was only disturbed from his empty thoughts when he heard a light thudding sound coming from downstairs.

He rolled over and retrieved his phone from his nightstand.

Dead.

He sighed heavily and plugged it into his charger. If only he could do that with his life. Shut off his brain when he needed a break, power down completely, and then just plug himself back in until his charge hit one-hundred percent. Alas, life was not that simple.

The banging downstairs continued.

Eddward reluctantly made his way down the stairs. As he got closer the banging seemed to intensify and Ed's barbarous voice was coming from the other side. As he reached the front door Ed's voice was accompanied by the sound of Eddy's voice. Eddward mentally kicked himself. He'd completely forgotten they were supposed to hang out today. It would be his first real time hanging out with Eddy since the incident. Eddward placed his hand on the doorknob and rested his forehead against the door. He clenched his fist. He wasn't in the mood for visitors, but he didn't have a choice. Ed's fists pounded against the door again and Eddward's forehead reverberated against the rhythm. He pulled his head back and rubbed at his temple as he reluctantly opened the door for his impatient comrades.

The door barely clicked open before Ed barged in, "Double Dee!" He shouted as the door swung violently into Eddward sending him spiraling to the floor.

He landed with a soft thud as he stared up at his loud and boisterous friend.

"Double Dee!" Ed yelled again as he reached down and scooped Eddward up from under his armpits. "I was so worried! You said we were going to hang out and then you weren't at school today. And your phone was off and I was afraid!" He whined into Eddward's face as he squeezed him tightly.

From his position in Ed's arms he could see Eddy hesitantly standing in the doorframe of his front door. His eyes were downcast and his hands were thrust deep into his pockets. He was rubbing one foot from side to side as if he was trying to draw a line on the floor.

"Ed, as you can see I am fine. Please set me down." Eddward said as his friend squeezed him a little tighter.

Ed set him down gently and then crossed his arms as he stared at Eddward. "Why weren't you at school mister? And why didn't you answer your phone?"

Eddward cocked his eyebrow at Ed's sassy demeanor. "I beg your pardon?" Eddward asked flabbergasted, of all people he never imagined Ed would be the one to call him out.

Eddy scoffed in the background. "Go easy on him Lumpy."

"Ah, he finally speaks." Eddward said as he angled a look at him. "I thought you were going to hide on the porch for the duration of this bewildering interrogation."

Eddy laughed nervously, but didn't say anything else as he cautiously made his way inside. His eyes were still downcast.

"You missed midterms today. You're in big trouble mister. What do you have to say for yourself?" Ed said in the best authoritative tone he could muster up.

Eddward threw his hands up in exasperation. "What's with the questions, Ed? I wasn't aware you took on a parental role in my life."

Eddward honestly wasn't in the mood for any of this. He was still wound up from everything that had happened after school, last night, and his encounter with Marie before she left. Too many things were slipping out of his grasp and he was struggling to keep it together.

Ed's expression softened. "I'm sorry Double Dee. I was just worried about you. You never used to skip school."

Eddward sighed. "Don't worry about me, Ed. I'm fine." Eddward started, "besides you have my spare house key. If you were so concerned why not just let yourself in?" He added as an afterthought.

Ed's face went pale and his eyes fell to the floor. "I… uh-"

"Please don't tell me you lost it." Eddward snarled angrily.

He'd given that key to Ed so that Ed would know he'd always have a home with him. And now the key was probably lost somewhere. Under Ed's disgusting excuse for a mattress or in the cul-de-sac sewer drain. The possibilities to its whereabouts were endless.

"No, uhm… I kind of let Kevin borrow it." Ed said sheepishly, still not meeting Eddward's gaze.

Eddward felt his eyes bulge out of their sockets. The light bulb inside his head flickered into existence. It burned brighter and brighter until it shattered at the realization. That was how Kevin had gotten into his house the first day back to school after Thanksgiving break. He'd forgotten to ask Kevin previously and it never came up in conversation again. Eddward's eyes turned deadly. Kevin had a way into his home against his will.

That luxury needed to be withdrawn in the immediate future.

"You should not have done that Ed. Kevin and I are no longer together." Eddward felt sick hearing those words leave his mouth.

Uncomfortably, awkward silence filled the room. Ed was speechless, Eddward looked like he was going to crumble into pieces, and Eddy couldn't take it.

"Hey Lumpy, why don't you go get that new mutant zombie movie you just bought. Dee really wanted to see it." Eddy lied.

Ed seemed to perk up a little bit. "Okay. I'll be right back." He said with less excitement than usual as he left the house and headed home.

"Oh, yes that's exactly what I need." Eddward said sarcastically as soon as Ed was out of eyesight.

He turned from Eddy and walked into his kitchen. He clenched his hands as he stared up at the ceiling willing the tears not to fall. It was too much. He felt a hand squeeze his shoulder and he bit his bottom lip. He knew he could talk to Eddy. They were friends again, sorta. They were going to try at least.

"I talked to Kevin. I wanted to know if he knew why you weren't at school. I guess I thought our talk yesterday meant nothing or whatever. I don't know. I really thought you were avoidin' me and you really didn't wanna be friends anymore. I mean, that could still be the case. And if it is, I'll accept it. I know I fucked up, Dee. I broke your trust and that's not somethin' you give out easily. But I also know I'm one of the few people you can talk to about Kevin. So if you wanna talk, I'll listen." Eddy said.

Eddward let his shoulder slump under Eddy's grip. Eddward prided himself on keeping everything bottled up to himself. He was a master manipulator and he was proud of it. But right now he didn't want to care about his appearance. His heart was still breaking piece by agonizing piece. He ruined everything he got his hands on. His friendships, his relationship, his own body. Would he forever be fighting this losing battle?

Eddward felt the darkness slowly creeping in from the outskirts of his mind.

When would the madness end? Or better yet how would it end?

"Dee?"

Eddward shook his head, now was not the time. He would file those emotions away for a time when he was alone and ready to face a more permanent form of control.

"I ruined it." He began, "Kevin tried so hard to fix me. He wanted more than anything to be the one who rescued me from myself. I saw it in his eyes every time I destroyed more of his heart. I can't do this anymore Eddy. I can't keep up this lifestyle and have him and I don't know which aspect of that realization scares me more."

Once Eddward started talking the words started spilling out of his mouth like a broken faucet.

"Cutting is the only way I can control every ounce of blood I lose. It's the only solution I have for managing the pain inflicted upon myself both mentally and physically. I know you don't understand it. I find most people don't have the ability to comprehend the deeper euphoria of controlling this magnitude of pain. But, I can handle it."

"I believe you." Eddy said sincerely.

Eddward was not expecting that. There was no lecture. No scolding. No fist flying at his face. No form of yelling of any sort. Just pure and wholesome sincerity radiating from Eddy's voice.

"I'll admit I don't understand it and I probably never will. But I lost our friendship over this once and I won't do it again. I trust you Dee, seriously."

This is what he wanted. This is what he always wanted. Just someone to understand and not judge him. Not try to talk him off the edge. Someone to just accept it and shut up about it. Not even Marie did that. She would make sure he didn't do anything or try to help him by talking to him. Yes, she knew of his cutting and allowed it, but she wanted him to stop. This was the green light he was waiting for…

Then why, why did he feel so numb. Why did it feel like nothing anybody said at this point was going to change anything.

"Thank you." He said as he turned to face Eddy and then scrunched his face, "who did you piss off this time?" He asked referencing the black eye Eddy was sporting.

"Don't worry 'bout it." He said as they both headed into the living room to await Ed's return.

The rest of the afternoon and night was spent watching movies and eating junk food. The three Eds laughed and joked like old times. Eddward wanted to be happy. He did his absolute best to give the appearance of a happy facade. Eddy had finally accepted him for who he was.

But, why did he feel worse than before? And why was he cherishing this moment as if it would be one of his last?

Eddward spent the first few days of his winter break hanging out and relaxing with his fellow Eds. It felt like old times except Eddy wasn't trying to scam quarters off of their fellow cul-de-sac friends. He'd developed a routine of hanging with them in the late morning into the early afternoon and then he'd run to the school's gym and work out there. It was the only way he could stop the melancholy thoughts from completely sweeping him up in their comforting despair.

He wanted a reason to live. He was searching for it because the alternative was slowly creeping up on him. Swimming around inside of his brain until the waves pushed the thoughts back out to sea until high tide came again.

Why was death so alluring all of a sudden?

He'd grappled with death before and won. He'd come out victorious and now here he was ready to relinquish his trophy and admit defeat. No matter how he looked at the situation the one thing that changed was Kevin. Kevin's reoccurring role in his life was the one unstable factor that put him on the edge of teetering more and more to his ultimate demise. So much for a happy relationship.

As Eddward laid on the bench press and lifted the bar more and more unsettling and troubling thoughts kept seeming to arise. Was he slowly going insane? His thoughts swirled inside his mind like a vortex of never ending perpetual doom. The storm was coming.

Eddward heard the gym doors open as someone else entered. The students were allowed to use the school's gym while school was out for breaks. Their student ID's worked as key cards to track who came and went and it made it harder for anyone to damage equipment without getting caught. Eddward continued to lift the weight above him. His arms were getting sore, but he kept pushing on. A pair of hands appeared under the bar.

"I don't require a spotter. Please go about your business." Eddward said nonchalantly.

"You sure? I don't mind."

Eddward froze, he would never forget that voice. Even when he tried his hardest to forget he always remembered that voice. It plagued his dreams in the dead of the night. It caused him panic attacks that startled him awake and sent him down a dangerous and destructive path of self-hatred and mutilation. This was the voice that changed him. This was the moment he'd been waiting for. It had been two and a half years.

"Hello, Jensen." Eddward said.