Eddward opened the front door and saw a few suitcases sitting beside the coat closet. On the floor were a pair of black dress loafers in pristine condition accompanied by a simple pair of beige flats without a single crease. In the kitchen came the soft hum of his mother's voice as she quietly sang along to a song on the radio. A noise echoed from the stairs as his father emerged with some clothes hanging over his arm. His mother met him in the entryway and lightly brushed his arm as she told him dinner would be ready soon. As she went to turn she saw Eddward standing in the doorframe. She beamed with a mother's joy.
"Eddward," she exclaimed excitedly as she rushed over and hugged him lightly.
His father walked over and clamped a hand on his shoulder. He squeezed gently. "Son," was all he said as he walked back to the stairs and continued sorting his clothes.
His mother pushed back and held him at a distance as she looked him up and down. "Oh, my Dear. I've missed you, Eddward. We were able to catch a late flight back," she said as she brought him back in for another hug.
"M-mother," he was finally able to choke out.
"What's the matter, Sweetheart? I thought you'd be thrilled to have us home. And right before Christmas as well," his mother said with a slight pout evident in her tone.
"It isn't that, Mother. I just. I wasn't expecting you home.We haven't spoken in-" Eddward's Mother's eyes went sharp as she glared at him.
"And who's fault is that, Eddward? Last time we spoke you were rude, and quite frankly, very disrespectful. Now, I've let it slide because I know you're under a lot of pressure with school and college descending upon us next year, but you won't speak to me in that manner again. Are we clear Eddward?" His mother asked.
"Yes, Mother," he said with all the fight and resistance leaving his body.
"Now, set the table. Dinner will be ready momentarily," his mother said as she spun away hastily.
Clink. The spoon tapped against the serving dish as his father finished filling his plate. Tap. His mother set her glass of water back on the table after taking a delicate sip.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
His heart was beating rapidly, threatening to explode from his chest cavity. Could they not hear it? Were they not aware of how uncomfortable this situation was? Or was this the new normal for his life. Everywhere he turned he was going to be faced with a new situation that put him on edge. Confronting Jensen, his parents… was Kevin on the doorstep waiting to be next.
His heart did a weak flip at the thought of Kevin. He'd called him. His phone had rung multiple times while he sat on his front porch, but it was too soon. It was too much. He was coming down from his adrenaline high and he wasn't able to answer. He'd checked his voicemail, but no messages were left. He'd thought maybe Kevin called on accident, but after he declined he called again. It gave him hope, an odd deranged sense of volatile hope. And then he found out his parents were home. And then that hope died.
"Eddward," his father said sternly, jolting him from his thoughts.
"I apologize Father, what were you saying?" Eddward said, trying to come back to the dinner table.
"Your Mother was speaking to you," his Father answered as he continued eating his dinner.
Eddward hid the urge to groan as he returned his attention to his Mother, "I'm sorry Mother, what was it you were trying to say?"
"I was asking you if you heard back from any of the colleges you applied to yet?" His Mother asked, her shoulders rigid, seemingly angry she had to repeat herself.
"I-I missed the deadline for early acceptance. I won't know until spring I'm afraid. Senior year was rather troublesome."
His Mother hiccuped around her drink. "Eddward, how did this happen? Your grades have always been impeccable and you're never late on assignments. You have too much freedom in this house. Why even tonight, out and about when you could be studying."
Eddward felt the anger rise up within him. How dare she… clamp it down. They'll be gone in a few days.
"Dear, just tell him already. No need to get him bent out of shape for nothing," his father answered.
"I'm sorry?" Eddward asked, "Tell me what?"
His Mother physically relaxed, "Anyway, it really doesn't matter I guess," she paused trying to add a dramatic effect. "As you may remember I'm very close with a few people at the head of admissions over at Stanford. They were anticipating receiving your application so I sped the process along and sent it over to them. They're thrilled to be having you next fall. The welcome packet is upstairs on your bed." His Mother explained happily as she beamed with pride and joy.
If this were a cartoon Eddward's jaw would've fallen to the floor in pure astonishment.
"You did what?" He asked purely flabbergasted.
"Oh sweetie, I know how hard it's been on you. These past few years getting back on your feet. I told them all about it and how your determination and drive for school is what motivates you to keep going. They'll be so lucky to have a brilliant mind like yours."
Thump. Thump. Thump.
His heart was going to explode. It was going to rupture and burst right through his chest cavity and his mother would still sit there and say everything was okay. She was a doctor after all. She'd just string him back together and parade him around like the golden child she needed him to be. Could she really not see? Was she really this dense? And Father… if he would just pretend to be present or even act like he had an original thought. No, instead he was a mindless zombie who just followed along with Mother's every whim. The whole dynamic of this dysfunctional family made him physically sick.
"So happy you can't even speak. Oh, I just knew you'd be thrilled."
She was still talking. He was having heart palpitations and she was still talking about the school he never wanted to go to in the first place.
Stop. Make it all stop. For the love of God if there is one make it all just stop.
Her mouth was moving. His Father was nodding his head. They were acting like everything was okay. They were doctors; brilliant cutting edge surgeons. How could they not see? How was this his life? Their job was to analyze people. Look for faults in their words and make decisions based on patient history.
The water was rising. The tide was coming in and slowly pulling him out to sea. His feet were slipping. He couldn't stay above water much longer. The current was fighting him, threatening to take him under. It was relentless. It wasn't going to stop. He was drowning. He was flailing in front of the lifeguards who were responsible for him and they weren't responding. Who put them on duty anyway?
"I cut myself," the words came out slow and in a tone barely audible.
His Mother kept talking.
"I cut myself," he said again, louder this time.
"Oh dear, are you hurt?" His Mother said as she stood and looked across the table.
"I used a razor blade to slice my wrist," the words were cold and desolate, coming from a voice that hid deep within his mind.
"Eddward, knock it off. That kind of talk is very unbecoming," his Mother said as she sat back down.
"I almost died," the voice came again, emerging from the depths of his mind, excited the coach finally tapped him into the game.
"Eddward, that's enough," his Father chimed in.
"No Father, it wasn't enough. If it was, I'd be dead right now," he said as he stood so fast from his chair that it fell back.
"Eddward!" His Mother and Father said in unison.
"I don't know where this behavior is coming from, but it ends now," his Mother said as she leaned into his Father for support.
"Oh please Mother, you've never had to deal with any kind of behavior. I'm the perfect student. I'm the dutiful son who receives outstanding grades and does everything to excel in life to keep up the family image," he said as he gripped the table, "you're not here. You've never been here for me when I needed it. What kind of behavior do you expect me to have? I'm alone. I'm always alone." He looked up at them and they locked eyes, "You're right here and I'm still alone."
His Mother rushed around the table and hugged him while his Father took slow powerful strides until he too was beside him. His Mother wrapped her arms around him and enveloped him in a warm embrace.
"Eddward, you're not alone," she said as his Father also took part in the embrace.
They stood there for a moment, seemingly frozen in time. No more words were spoken, for there was nothing left to say. Eddward had told them. He finally told them. And they didn't even acknowledge him. His heart felt numb and empty. He couldn't cry even if he wanted to.
"May I retire to my room now," he asked and his Mother nodded.
He left their embrace slowly as he made his way to the staircase. He wasn't in a rush. He was waiting for something, anything… one final attempt for them to reconcile and connect with him. He wanted more than anything to hear his parents tell him the words he dreaded because of the commitment they held.
Just tell me you love me… say something.
But the words never came and from the stairwell he could hear the clatter of dishes as they went about their dinner or cleaned up the carnage. He wasn't sure which it was.
When he turned into his room he tenderly shut his door and slumped back against the wall. He grabbed the brim of his hat and pulled it down tightly over his face. He wanted to scream; to yell, shout… but he couldn't. There was nothing left of himself to give. He fixed his hat and kicked off his shoes. He never wore his shoes inside, but the whole night had been one big catastrophe that he couldn't escape. He slipped out of his pants and threw his sweater to the floor. And that was when he noticed it. A small folded up piece of paper.
Where did that come from?
He grabbed it and crossed his room to sit on his bed. The bed creaked beneath his weight as he unfolded the note.
Once opened he noticed his his dead name scribbled at the top,
Double Dee,
If you're reading this… well if you're reading this then our meeting didn't go as planned and for that I guess I need to explain myself better. First off, I'm sorry I know I would have already told you I'm sorry, but I must have fucked that up. So I'm sorry. I really am. I suck at explaining how I feel and talking about my feelings. So maybe I can say whatever I fucked up in person better here.
I have had a crush on you since the first day I met you. When we were in middle school. You sat in front of me. And every time you turned around to pass back an assignment you always said, "Greetings Jensen, here's the assignment," or "please take one and pass the rest back." Sometimes you even asked me how I was or whatever, anyway, it was … cute I guess. Your face was always happy and full of joy. It made me happy. Anyway we weren't friends, but we were friendly. That was until high school. Once I joined the baseball team I had a reputation to uphold and you… I'm sorry Double Dee, but you were an easy target. And I couldn't look weak. I even went to my parents and tried to tell them I thought I liked guys, but they threatened to send me off to Bible camp or disown me if they ever even suspected I was gay. I was a sin. God hated me. And I didn't want to disappoint them.
The night we… the night I almost killed you. I was so ashamed of myself. In that moment I lost everything. I was never going to have you and you knew who I was so I needed to end it. I was drunk, so drunk. And stupid. Writing this out, I don't blame you for hating me. You deserve to hate me. You probably want me dead. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that this was my last attempt. And this is the only evidence of what I'm going to do.
If you're reading this. Well I plan on putting it in your pocket somehow if you don't forgive me in person. But yeah. I'm gunna end it all. You'll never have to worry about seeing me again or bothering you. I hope you have a good life and I hope one day you find yourself able to forgive me.
Jensen