Roy didn't get up, apparently content with recovering from his liquid based indiscretion right there on the pavement. He snored.

"What should we do with him?" I asked. "He's kinda big. I don't think we can lift him."

"Can you 'use The Force' and float him around or something?"

I sighed. "That's not exactly easy. I mean, if he were the size of a baseball..."

She crossed her arms. "Oh that's right. You only make potatoes float."

"Look, Jamie. I know we've done something like that before with the Thunder Road, but that was when we were in danger."

My sister nodded. "And we get headaches and nosebleeds."

"Luke Skywalker never got nosebleeds."

"Yeah? Well he's a fictional character. Also, have you seen Scanners? Telepathy isn't always pretty. The guy in Dune actually cried blood."

"Well it's a good thing you're not doing that! I wouldn't know how to begin doing first aid!"

Gertie shuffled her feet. "We can't do it very long. What if we drop him and he gets hurt?"

"Then maybe you could...practice on him...Try some short distances."

I and Gertie stared at each other.

Gertie shrugged.

"Where should we put him? The flying thing or his house?"

"The house is closer."

"Good idea," Jamie joked. "He might get a nice bath along the way."

"How will we get back to ET?"

She shook her head. "Got anything against a little joyride?"

My sister and I got close to Roy's prone form, concentrating really hard on thoughts of raising the man into the air.

It didn't work. My misgivings about my powers made me hesitant to stretch those mental muscles, and Gertie seemed to be...half hearted in her attempts. We watched the man groan, fighting to keep his pet from running away.

Feeling Gertie's eyes on me, I turned and looked at her. Ever since I'd called her a baby, I noticed something about her overall behavior that seemed...broken. It didn't help that she'd eavesdropped and heard me bad-mouth her even more.

When Roy had been drinking, we had his antics to distract us, but in the flying machine my sister kept giving me and Jamie pained glances, then she'd have this faraway look.

As we waited for our adult guardian to...get his act together, she got that faraway look again. "Elliott...you think if, if I stay at that beach place long enough...that um, um...I'll find someone?"

Not exactly a conversation I wanted to have with her. "Gertie, it's like what Pabyeba said, I don't think—"

"I didn't mean a person, Elliott. I mean, you think, me and a Qulpari, or maybe someone like Bacon Okrasmuc—"

I stared. "Who?"

"You know, the Abreya kid at the clothing shop."

I reddened. "Gertie, about what I said—"

"I'm being grown up. I have to think about these things. There won't be any...boys for me here. I..."

Jamie put her hands on her hips. "Gertie, I know we might be...on this planet for awhile, but I think that's a little...drastic."

That pained expression again. "Why? Roy has Norenio..."

"Gertie," I sighed. "Look, I'm sorry I said those things to you—"

"You don't need to apologize, Elliott. You're right. I have been a baby. I do need to grow up."

My stomach sank. I've heard of insults being compared to driving nails into a board. You can pull the nails out, but you're still left with nail holes. It appeared I'd left one in my sister.

Gertie was a delicate flower, and I'd just wilted her. My power to wither, I guess, didn't stop at plants. "Gertie, I was being stupid. Don't pay me any attention..."

"If we never go back home, who's going to make love to me?"

Jamie's face also looked pink. "Gertie, you're too young to be thinking about all that."

"You don't even know what making love means," I muttered under my breath.

"Stop treating me like a baby!" Gertie shouted. "I am not too young!"

"Gertie, can you at least wait awhile before doing...something strange?"

"You're only a few years younger than us. Can you wait until you turn our age before..." Jamie pointed at Roy. "Trying to be weird as this guy?"

Gertie furrowed her brow, gave a little nod, and then..."He's not weird. I wanna be like him when I get older."

I and Jamie stared at the drunk on the ground. "Really?"

She shrugged. "He knows how to be an adult, in this place."

Jamie and I exchanged disbelieving looks.

"Now we have to go back home!"

I frowned. "And end up in some government bunker?"

My girlfriend rubbed her face in frustration. "Good Lord, your sister..." I think she wanted to say something else, but Gertie was right there. "I feel so bad for her."

My sister looked saddened. "So you think...you think a Qulpari wouldn't want to make love to me."

"Gertie, I don't know."

"You still have a lot of time to...worry about that, Gertie. Let's not jump into anything just yet. I mean, Roy didn't expect us to show up!"

She gave a reluctant nod.

Nothing I could do could repair Gertie's emotional damage, I just gave up and pointed to our guardian. "Think we can move him?"

"We can try."

We actually got the man into the air, about a foot off the ground, but it hurt my head, and Roy woke up, yelling incoherently at us. His Dolcani got loose and we had to run and grab the creature's leash before it disappeared.

Somehow Roy held on to consciousness long enough to grab the Dolcani, but not enough to get moving. He curled up with his damp wiggling pet like a teddy bear.

"Oh brother!" Jamie complained.

Roy closed his eyes, drooled as he snored on the ground.

"Great. We're stuck in this mosquito ridden hell hole until he wakes up."

I glanced back at the swamp. "I saw some paper in his house. Maybe we can leave a note and go back to ET."

"What if we just stay in his house?" Gertie suggested.

Jamie crossed her arms. "No way am I spending the night in that dump! Where's the paper?"

Roy owned a stack of what you might describe as 'recycle paper.' Technically not paper, since aliens didn't make wasteful things like napkins, phone books, memo pads or toilet paper. The closest thing you could get: The kind of crafts project where you take a bunch of cloth rags and boil them into art paper with ribbons and dried flowers woven through them. I don't even want to talk about the three seashells in the bathroom.

They didn't have ballpoint pens either. Roy owned a rough sort of quill, ink and blotter setup. I wondered how much he drank from the bottle while writing memos. Being the Fred Flintstone method, I didn't know what I was doing and screwed up my first two notes, a third when I tried to blot it dry like Curious George. The fourth note came out a little better, so I carefully bore it out across the swamp and stuck it in the man's pocket.

"Took you long enough," Jamie complained.

"Were you serious about just..joyriding around? I kinda want to get back and go to bed."

"What do you think? I have no idea how to operate that thing. Frankly, going on a random spin to some unknown area of the planet would be a highlight of an otherwise crappy day. But sleep is cool too. I'm open to suggestions."

"I dunno...maybe we can...find someone to direct us back."

Jamie stared at the buildings. Unlike ET's pad, we found very few Qulpari hanging around outside. Well, except the one that liked to spin. "So we just knock on a door and ask a random stranger how to locate...Vorxora, and hope they know who we're talking about."

Gertie looked hopeful. "We're famous. We're the only species like us on this planet. Surely someone knows."

"Still, how do we know Vorxora isn't a common name? Like John, or Mary?"

"Maybe ask them if they know the John that knows us?"

Shaking her head, Jamie marched a couple feet ahead, then stopped, staring at the Qulpari with the twirling fetish. The cowry shells tinkled as he spun, sounding like rain. I couldn't help but wonder if this were a rain dance. "So, I guess unless we want to knock on doors, we ask this weirdo how to operate our flying ball."

"I'll do it." Gertie approached the alien, prompting the hissing rain sound of his robes to slow. "Excuse me, sir. I know your spinning is important, but can you help me?"

The Qulpari spun. How can I help you?

"Tell him we need help getting back to Vorxora."

"What's your name?" Gertie asked the stranger.

Larven.

She smiled a little at the name. It did sound like Marvin. "Larven...can you...take me to that place to register for the thing?"

I gawked at her. "What?"

Larven twirled counterclockwise. I do not understand.

Gertie got red in the face. "I want to register for that thing where you sit by the beach and wait for...someone to come make love to me."

"Gertie!" Jamie cried. "What are you doing!"

"Being an adult."

"Somehow I...don't think that's what you're doing."

Larven's face wrinkled, his neck shrank, but he kept twirling. I...still don't understand...And I am beginning to think you do not either.

Gertie cleared her throat. "I desire a mate. I want to register for Nisweku and go to Zaluxfa. Understand now?"

The Qulpari snorted, made a coughing sound, and stopped spinning.

He chuckled, let out a hearty guffaw, laughed until tears poured from his eyes, then waddled up to one of the buildings, knocking on the door.

Two Qulpari in orange robes came out, Larven spoke to them a moment, pointed to my sister, and they too started laughing.

My sister shrank in humiliation. "You're right, Elliott. I thought I was being an adult, but I guess I'm just being a dumb baby again."

"Being an adult also means making mistake—"

Come here, the Qulpari called to my sister.

Gertie brightened, my damaging blow to her psyche seeming to disappear. She eagerly scampered after the aliens, awaiting their next words with breathless anticipation.

Larven spoke. The Qulpari smiled.

Jamie and I drew closer to hear what the aliens had to say. I missed a few things, but I caught the part where Larven pointed to us and said, You are already three. Your Sogwuba is complete.

Gertie looked like she'd been asked to eat liver. "No! Not Sogwuba!" She pointed to me. "Co-hatchling! Same...parents."

Larven rubbed his chin. His companions murmured him, and to each other.

At last the twirler said, "Follow."

We trailed him up the hill.

"Gertie," Jamie hissed. "When I told you to get us directions, I meant directions home! I thought we agreed you were going to wait until you were older for this kind of stuff!"

"Pabyeba said I'd be waiting a long time. I don't wanna make my wait any longer."

"Oh good Lord!"

I sighed. "I guess it can't do any harm, can it?"

We followed Larven into the vehicle, carefully watching how he worked buttons on the console. The airship took off.

In the dark, I couldn't exactly tell where we were going. We buzzed by trees and tree buildings, the lights in the shadows indicating something like businesses and habitations, but mostly we passed dark foliage, branches, and unfamiliar unlit buildings.

The illumination got better when we reached our destination: An ivy colored glass and metal structure resembling a twelve sided dungeon die with four hair curler shaped towers. Its polygonal windows made me think of the Chrysler Pentastar. The lighting setup, being somewhat unusual, continually changed colors from yellow to green to blue to red.

A line of Qulpari stood waiting outside the building. Not a super long line, but not exactly short either.

To the aliens' credit, they didn't just idly hold their breath for someone to `pick them up.' When our craft landed, I noticed quite a few chatting with each other, some even waddling off in couples or in threes.

We got stares the moment we stepped outside. First, the usual passing curiosity and muttering we'd gotten in the market, but when we actually stood in line, the aliens pretty much reacted like women seeing a man checking in with an obstetrician. Offended murmurs, looks of amusement and horrified disbelief, laughter at crude jokes we couldn't understand.

Some Qulpari let out strangled squawking noises in outrage, reminding me of the times ET had gotten frightened of things and let out a crazy cry.

They made insinuations about Larven, forcing him to explain himself several times, especially about how a Viglalah from the Yerronoq spinning cult, wearing the shell robe, would do something so offensive. Us humans didn't have it any easier, they kept saying we had a group of three, and if we're so dissatisfied about it, why don't we break up, were we trying to get a fourth person?

Charlie just flew around, looking generally amused.

We watched with dismay as a group of Qulpari stepped into our vehicle and took off.

"Hey!" I shouted, running after them, but then I flew up into the air, and Larven in his tinkering cowry shells came after me. I floated back down in front of him. "What."

"Those Qulpari just stole our ride!" Jamie shouted.

Larven spread his arms, waved them in a circle. "Hujbosa." My ear slug gave me a translation sort of like `Sharing' and `Honor system.' We can get you another when we are finished.

"So it's like a bus."

"At least nobody has to validate our parking."

I stared at Jamie. "That's the kind of joke Roy would say."

"Shut up!"

We got back in line.

After standing around for more than ten minutes embarrassing ourselves, we eventually became too much of a spectacle, and a Qulpari with a bone breastplate waded through the crowd to us, demanding an explanation.

I apologized to him.

"We're sorry," Jamie said, red faced. "We were just leaving."

Gertie clenched her fists, staring the guard down. "I wanna register for Nisweku."

The breastplated one laughed, asked Larven for a clarification, then laughed some more. He asked why Gertie couldn't mate with me or Jamie. The others in the crowd found this hilarious too. Someone even recorded her.

Forcing himself to be serious (but with tears of mirth in his eyes), the guard (his name: Utyolcu) led us through the crowd, into the building. The crowd, too stunned to be much of an obstacle, let us through...when they weren't eager to let my sister go make an ass of herself.

The main `welcome center', unsurprisingly, had the shape of a pentagon. Qulpari stood in three rows before a desk in the rear of the far triangular section. Again, some did actually find partners and leave, but others still needed the services of the staff members with their little handheld computers.

Where there weren't glass windows or plants, a number of...murals told me things about ET's species that I never wanted to know, and left me with twice as many unanswered questions. The bedroom objects, for example.

Utyolcu helped us cut through the line to the main desk. After enduring laughter from the staff, and the same questions. Our guide and these `secretaries' got into a protracted debate, the enrollees throwing in their two cents whenever it came to something like a resolution.

Izrigma, the representative of yernar, the third sex, led my sister into an elevator behind the registration desk, but stopped me and Jamie.

You are not an applicant. Why is it necessary for you to see the Gorputug?

"She's my responsibility. I don't want her making an unwise decision."

The Qulpari and those within earshot laughed at this. Too late!

Jamie stepped forward. "It is a...legal requirement...in our culture to have...witnesses during...important life events like marriages and buying cars and stuff."

I could tell Jamie had lost them, so I backed her up. "Things like uslofya and mogza are not legitimate without other humans present." Honestly, that hadn't helped my parents marriage, but I didn't want to tell the Qulpari that. "She is our responsibility. It's important to...the ones that hatched her."

The representative frowned, gave a solemn nod. Follow.

Larven stayed behind like a good little Qulpari, but Charlie flew in after us, irrespective of the rules as the Cheshire cat.

Being dark, we saw nothing but parts of the surrounding grounds, and moving elevator machinery through the elevator windows.

The door came open and we entered a wedge of the dodecahedron, a chamber reminding me of Superman's Fortress of Solitude, with all its giant crystals and such. The crystals in this place had bright colors, lights and parts that resembled computers. I figured they needed a lot of computing power to pair all those Qulpari together without someone marrying their distant cousins or something.

A pale white Qulpari with a long Fu Manchu mustache sat behind a low table. When Gertie saw him, she laughed and pointed. "Doesn't he look like Spike from the Peanuts cartoon?"

I did note a passing resemblance. Though he didn't have fur, floppy ears or a dog nose, he had the right coloration, his mustache was black and scraggly, and his eyelids seemed appropriately weary and lopsided.

Utyolcu introduced us to this stranger. Although actually Vukvuzan, but the name Spike stuck.

The pale creature regarded us with disdain. What are these...creatures doing in my office? I must remind you, my health is not strong enough to endure foreign contaminants of this kind.

Utyolcu explained my sister's unusual request.

You already have a Sogwuba, Spike said.

We once again had to explain how we were related.

Gertie knelt before his table. "Sir, please register me. Please with sugar on top?"

You wish to find a mate for yourself?

My sister nodded.

You will be waiting a long time.

She swallowed. "I'm also okay with a Qulpari or Abreya."

Spike grimaced in disgust. "Eeew!" But he made a note in his computer anyway. Experimentation.

"Can you delay that second request?" I blurted. "Make finding a human the priority? And don't worry about getting two. Humans only need one."

"What's a human?"

Jamie pointed to me, Gertie then herself. "Human, human, human."

The Qulpari raised an eyebrow ridge, locked eyes with Gertie. This decision will affect your body and life cycle. Do you wish for...these others...to make decisions about it?

My sister thought a moment. "... Just this time."

Spike sighed in relief. Same species, I will notify of another registrant immediately. Second request, I will give you a delay of ten years. How is that?

Gertie frowned. "Why so long? Are you siding with my brother?"

The pale Qulpari wrinkled his face like he'd just received a mouth full of vinegar. No. I am siding with me. I don't want to be around when that particular Ojulno goes into effect. He cleared his throat. I still think you will be waiting a long time. You are asking a lot, even from Qulpari.

"Then that's just how it's going to have to be."

The Qulpari opened a crystal, plunking an...oddly familiar object down on the desk. Jamie gave me an uncomfortable stare.

I'd seen Qulpari wearing those bracelets all over the place, but hadn't put two and two together until that moment. "So that's what those things are for!"

Spike removed something like glowing shooter marbles from the object, setting the bracelet out in front of us.

The alien mooed, then began a ritual speech. This Ridvucha now belongs to...Gertie, to signify its (he referred to my sister) voyage along the path of Nisweku.

Gertie tried to take the bracelet, but Spike stopped her, placing a glowing blue coin in the band. This Mialfep links you to the Maogmira, the great pool of need. He suppressed a laugh. It bears the color blue to represent Rirbihan (my ear slug translated this as blue again). Blue is purity, blue is peaceful, blue is alone. Rirbihan is the name of the first living Qulpari, and the first number and first letter of our alphabet. You may don the Ridvucha now, to advertise (that's the closest translation I can come up with) your blueness.

My sister eagerly obeyed. The bracelet featured an adjustable piece, explaining how both Jamie and thin limbed Qulpari could wear it.

Spike set a glowing green shooter marble to one side of the desk. Limjulm (or green) represents the first partner. A binary union. It is the second letter and second number of our alphabet. When a suitable mate comes along, he shall place this Osatbir in the obelisk of Hotyupav, and your Ridvucha will glow green blue.

He placed a pink marble next to it. Osatbir (green) is the second stage of love-journey, Tonavra (pink) the third. Tonavra was the third Qulpari created, and Tonavra is the third letter number of our alphabet. When you have found both Limjulm and Tolnavra, your Ridvucha will glow Rubarag (purple).

Spike frowned, rubbed his head. Actually, if you only need one, I wouldn't worry about that, and just be satisfied with green. He cleared his throat. Until the day when Sogwuba is complete, wear this always. May the Great Master Ponai bless your love quest with joy and completeness.

"Thank you," Gertie whispered.

"I think I'm going to be sick to my stomach," Jamie said.

I sighed. "I know, but I think this is exactly what she needs."

"That's not what I meant. I mean, earlier. Earlier I...thought I was commenting a victimless crime, but...well, now I know I actually stole from the very people I care about. It's the worst feeling in the world, like getting full on chips."

Her earpiece translated the whole thing.

Spike pushed a button on a handheld computer next to him. Did you hear that, Qabmoxi?

Yes, came the reply.

The screen flickered, and one of Jamie's judges appeared in the room like a ghost.

"They have holograms!" I muttered.

Jamie stared at the Qulpari in the paisley robe and moose antlers. "That's the guy who gave me the punishment thing! How did he know we'd be here?"

"I think, after that scene we made, everyone knows we're here."

Congratulations, the hologram said. You have just earned the jabbe of your quarjabbe. Prepare the Yaoquab.

It is prepared. Spike grabbed Jamie's hand, pressing a little device resembling a chop stamp into the skin above her thumb.

"Ouch dammit!" She shrieked. "What did you...?"

When the alien pulled the chop stamp away, she had a small raised red circle on her skin.

Spike pointed a glowing finger at the injured area. "Ouch...dammit."

Jamie glared at her. "Spike, what the hell?"

"She wants to know why you did that, Vukvuzan," Gertie explained more tactfully.

You have the jabbe. Now you only need to complete the quar, your length of service.

"Gee, thanks, Spike," Jamie groaned. "Now I have a stupid scar to remind me of my stupid punishment!"

It is part of the sentence. You do not complete Quarjabbe without quar.

To my surprise, he raised his hand, showing us the circular marking on his own flesh. I also learned vuxbapi the hard way.