Within My Right

Chapter One

My brain is like a control center and I'm the piece to it's game. We can't work without our brain, or can we? Stupid question, but I think about it a lot. Especially when my brain starts talking back like it's a whole new entity. Do other's have a brain that tells them how to feel? What to think? How to act? Or is it mine? The therapists in Amity had once told me my voice wasn't real, but it has to real. I can hear it, sense it. I can feel it like a cold breeze on a warm day or when someone speaks in your ear and their hot breath tickles your lobe.

Do other people have my brain? I looked to my right, then I turned to my left my eyes loosely examining their heads. We had just made it on the train cart, all our breaths heavy with exhaustion. Burning sensations were radiating from my raw knee caps and trickling down to my fleshy calves.

But I couldn't think of that…I had to block it. In return, I sparked a sting in my inner cheek…biting it with my fanged like teeth.

Twitch.

A few looked over at me as my shoulder's jumped and my head flicked to the side. They're judging you. Perhaps they are. Hell, I judge myself. You look pathetic…think you can make the oncoming jump? There is no choice, I fought back allowing my nails to dig at my fingers. The dark, screech in my brain showed no disappointment. It made sure to show itself when I needed all my strength. My stomach was already in knots as I watched a few fellow initiates peak out of the car, whispering about the hollering coming from the Dauntless born.

"They're jumping!"

"I can't jump that!"

Can you jump that? It continues sending a long, sudden chill down my spine raising goosebumps on my arms. I close my eyes for the remaining five seconds until I am expected to jump. My frizzed mop of hair rustled as wind zoomed by. Warm days. Comforting days. Nothing, but earth filling your body. The air hugging you and the leaves tickling your feet. There is nothing like that. Closing my eyes had sent me back home in a world painted with the colors of the sun! Orange, red, and yellow landscapes.

But when I opened, it turned to black and grey, and I was mentally pushed to jump. Gaining my speed, I ran back until my back was pushed against the train car then rushed forward. The rush felt like I was a bird learning to fly including the crash when I hit the rubbled roof top. My body had collided with the leg of another girl, but I couldn't get myself to say sorry. She winced and looked over me, her new Candor friend raised her brow. Instead of yelling, they helped me up when words refused to come from my throat.

The back is where I belong. Despite being grateful, I couldn't get myself to associate with either of them. The back is where I felt safe. The back is where I stood unnoticed to anyone and everyone. Combined with my shortness it was like I wasn't there at all. Through my long, untrimmed bangs I can see a man pacing back and forth. His voice was like a roar…loud and defined.

"Welcome to Dauntless," he greeted in a non-welcoming way. He picked at his nails, sighing, "this is your first official initiation task. How exciting?" he rolled his eyes accompanied by a snort. Everyone gasped when he jumped on the ledge, and moved forward with hesitation as he offered for us to look.

I peaked over the crumbling roof edge with squinted eyes. It was nothing, but a black bit of nothing. None of us could make out what was at the bottom. Was this a test of stupidity? I looked around and noticed a lack of fire escapees. There was only one door, and it was sealed shot with pad locks.

"What is this?" a Candor snorted, "a suicide pact?"

"Wanna find out?" the man nodded over the ledge. He motioned us to step back and I wedged myself behind the two tallest initiates. He coughed, calling for attention, "you jump. There's only one way into the Dauntless pit…jumping."

"Is there water on the bottom?" one boy asked, raising his hand unsure. His glasses were skewed and cracked. An Erudite…proud and arrogant. Except he looked pathetic and nervous. His question was answered with a laugh.

"Any first jumpers? Or do I have a group of factionless bitches?" he asked, tongue swiping at his bottom lip. His tongue was like a serpents. To my surprise, a girl in grey stepped forward up roaring a bunch of guys. Intrigued, I wiggled myself up a bit to watch more closely.

The man stepped aside, his brows knitted. She took another observant peak over the edge before slipping her grey cardigan off. It flew away with the wind and a boy whistled…a Candor.

"Take it off, stiff," he said, and a minute later, "put it back on."

But she paid no attention as she slipped off the edge and yelled down. It went loud then slowly disappeared as she entered the darkness. After she jumped one by one the crowed thinned, soon to leave only me and a Candor girl. I could no longer escape to the back….

Jumping with them? Or to your death?

I twitched, and closed my eyes trying to force them to shut up.

I'd jump to my death.

The man looked to me and then to the other girl, "whose next? Or are you both done?" The Candor girl looked at me with narrowed eyes. She was scared because she kept fiddling with the buttons on her jacket. Enough for one to loosen and tink at the ground. My eyes closely watched it spin in circles then travel at the foot of a Dauntless.

You won't-

I have to. Something in me forced me to step forward, and without thinking, jumping up on the ledge. There was no use in looking down, it'd only make me jump back off and give up. Instead, I closed my eyes and leaned forward until I was no longer leaning, but falling…falling…falling…whoosh! The air was stuck in my throat preventing me to scream as I hit a net that caused my body to jump up and then hit again. When I was at rest, I took a deep breath, my eyes widening. Holy shit. The net tilted and I roll off, barely stable on my feet. I brushed myself off, but tripped back as I looked. A young, but stern looking boy stared down at me.

A rough, throaty scoff came built up from the pit of his stomach when he said, "first a stiff and now a flower child?" Flower child, I thought. It sounds nice, but what he really means is an Amity fruitcake. After he rolled his eyes, releasing his mockery, he asked, "name?"

I didn't like talking to people. Hence why I left Amity where I was forced to socialize with my peers. None of them liked me and it was a shared feeling because I didn't quite like any of them. But we were forced to love each other like we love the earth that nourishes us. Holding hands, singing songs, praying. I loved all those things, but alone in my own company. What is the point of praying when you're told what to pray about? I refused to answer him, looking off to the group of people. They waited for the last girl to jump, and when she did, he hurried me out of the way no longer caring about my name.

If he really wanted it, he could have looked down at my bracelet made of cherry wood beads and hemp. Distracted, I fingered at it trying to seem occupied, but a boy next to my nudged my arm. Sighing deeply, I took a step away and tried to swallow myself among the others. He snorted to his clueless looking friend and brutish looking girlfriend. Was she? She clung onto him like her life depended on it. She was the last to jump. Up on the roof she looked terrified and I thought for sure she'd be softer. Perhaps her boyfriend gave her an ego? They snorted among themselves as they watched me. Me and the stiff…we stuck out. Hardly ever do we transfer to Dauntless and with reason. I feel restricted and completely swallowed down here. My feet wiggled, craving the wetness of the grass and my hair yearned for the wind.

They went on to whisper about the stiff getting bored of me until the boy from before whistled for our attention. We stood straight side eying each other for silent support. He paced as the boy from before, but more so to count us. He nodded to a set of ladders and uneven steps before treading on.

"First, I'll saw you to the barracks," he explained, "that's where you will be sleeping for the next few weeks. The Dauntless born and the new initiates will be separate, understood?" Another girl took the kids already in black, and this guy lead us. We all fumbled about nervous to fall to our death. But he easily walked along, uncaring and unfazed.

Our barracks were simple, plain, and grey. A bit gloomy, honestly. In the middle of the floor was a pile of clothing and my mind had gone to my thighs. They were big as was up top…and my mind circled around the idea of being too fat to even fit in anything. When everything was pretty much picked through, I grabbed a guys black shirt and size too big pants that I had tied with my satchel strap. When I rolled up my shirt to tie it in the back, a piece of my hair was pulled. He walked by me, whistling to himself. Words had mumbled under his breath and I followed him out, eyes narrowing at him. I wish I had a voice or I would have told him to not touch me. I repeatedly touched the strand he tugged when the boy form before came over.

"You take your old clothes," he started, pulling a Candor girl's old jacket from her grasp, "and you fling it in the fire. You no longer need them and this is your first step of getting rid of your old faction. Understood?" He carelessly tossed the jacket in the fire, and one by one they all did.

Quickly, I took off my bracelet and hid it in my bra when no one was looking. I eyed the people to my left, then to right making sure neither were caring about me. Then I stepped forward throwing my home into the flames. The fabric slowly smoked then disintegrated into a pile of ash, soon mixed with other piles of ash. I fingered as the smoke when someone whistled taking me out of my thoughts.

"Flower child…wanna stay with the crowd?" I learned his name was Four, and I quite didn't understand that. Do they name their children weird things in Dauntless? I stood behind the stiff who every so often gave me a look followed with a grin.

The smell of meat nauseated me. It smelt nothing of grease and fat, and everything dead. I poked at it with my finger before pushing it along. Nothing here looked appetizing. Carrots were just carrots, except they weren't prepared nicely. They looked more like slop chewed up by a baby. I mushed it around in my mouth, ignoring the taste as I listened in on the other kids speak of their old factions. From the corner of my eye, I can see Four was getting tensed.

"How about you? What was Amity like?" one of the girls asked, and I looked up at her, sipping my water. I answered with a careless shrug, and went back to poking around at my food. I made my cake look like a pile of soil before l squishing it together. They went silent for a second, and I had felt assaulted by their eyes…watching me.

You're like a specimen. A shitty specimen.

I felt a jump in my chest, and specks of water spilt over the table. There was no use in stopping my head from twitching towards my shoulder, and I knew I looked dumb because Four looked over me with a crinkled nose. If the Amity could easily judge me, the Dauntless could do it with no hesitation.

"I heard in Amity they find their spouses during orgies," that crooked boy said, with a large grin. His friends snorted while they drank, the rim bubbling. He wasn't wrong, actually, but it was largely misunderstood. Four snapped his head in the boys direction, and shook his head annoyed.

"Enough," he said, as the man from the roof walked by calling his name. Four wiped his mouth standing, and before acknowledging the man, he said, "I don't want to hear anything else of your old factions! Especially the hippie breading ground."

The stiff spoke up before Four could talk to the tall, brutish man, "were you a transfer?" He looked down at her with a blank face. The man snorted, watching eagerly to see what he would do. But all he replied with was, "careful, Tris." Off he had went, following the man closely at his feet. The talked single filled.

I turn to Tris sticking out my bottom lip, pouting, and Christina snorted, "I have a theory."

"And that is?"

"You have a death wish."

She was right, she had a death wish. I couldn't even tell Four my name, never mind push his buttons into the next week. When we finished our dinner, we followed each other back to the sleeping barracks. The annoying boy, I learned his name was Peter, walked over to Tris' bed, and pulled the sheets off and spread them over the floor in spite. He was like that, really. Just doing things to get rise out of people.

He whistled at her again as she changed, and then looked over at me. He must have sensed my eyes were on him, but he didn't say anything. And here I thought he was boy with words ready like a whip. His eyes only bore into mine for a few short seconds, and his grin grew a centimeter. A low, entitled chuckle came from his throat before he turned back around and stripped his shirt off and pants. He had no shame walking around in his underwear all the while claiming we enjoyed it.

You learn a lot about people in their most vulnerable state. I listened to Al cry for nearly eight hours, Molly shake her feet(restless leg syndrome), and Edward talk about killer eggs….Why killer eggs? I snorted to myself, just looking up into darkness. Sleeping in unfamiliar spaces didn't come easy. I missed the rocking of my hammock or the sunny days I slept in the berry field.

Eight hours went along fast because what 7:00am brought was something I didn't want to attend.