Tracing The Pain Away

"Che? What happened? I tried calling you. Did you ditch me? I thought that we were supposed to hang out." Ajay was too deep in thought and despair to notice that Octavio had crawled in through her window and had been talking a million miles a minute as he always tended to do. She always left her window unlocked for him; he was her best friend after all… the only friend that she had.

Ajay was silent as he spoke circles around her. She really couldn't make sense of what he was saying, it was as if her brain had shut off or maybe he was talking too fast or maybe it was a little of both. In any case, she just laid in her bed, on her side in a ball, with her back to the same window that he had crawled in through.

Somewhere in the back of her brain she thought that maybe if she laid still enough that he would leave or that he might even think that she was asleep. Somehow, in her curled up position she felt some sense of safety and protection but she knew these feelings were false. It was a temporary false sense of security because she knew that in this house she wasn't safe; she could never be safe as long as she stayed here.

Octavio rubbed the back of his neck when she didn't respond. He was getting worried that he might have done something to set her off, "Che?" When she didn't respond he then thought that maybe she was sleeping so he walked around to the other side of her bed so that he wasn't talking to her back, "Why are you giving me the cold shoulder?" He could clearly see that she was awake but remained silent. She looked like she was staring at something and nothing at the same time.

Her brown eyes were depleted of life and swollen around edges. Her face looked ghostly pale and she just didn't look like her usual self. He brushed it off and hopped up onto the bed with her, "Did I do something wrong?" She noticed that he had slowed down on the talking and there was concern in his voice. She knew that would have to explain something to him soon or he wouldn't leave her alone.

He sat next to her and waited for her to answer but he became too impatient as usual, "Okay Che look, whatever it is I did I'm sorry." He leaned over her and touched her arm. She quickly pulled away as he made contact; as if she had been stung by a bee. "Che?" He tried to look at her face but her hair was covering it. He shrugged and reached for her as if he was going to push her hair from her face but instead his hand found the side of her body face the ceiling. He moved his fingertips along her side and began tickling her in the spot that he knew she was ticklish.

Ajay jerked around onto her back and giggled as he tickled her. Octavio hurried and got on top of her and pinned her hips between his legs so that she couldn't turn back over. As he straddled her he looked down into her eyes. His hands found her wrists and pinned them down over her head, "I win Che!" He laughed but she was no longer laughing. He inspected he face only to find a look of dejection and abrasions everywhere.

"What happened Che?" She sighed because she really didn't want to talk about it but she knew that now that he saw the mess of that lay underneath him, he wouldn't leave her alone about it until she told him. She never told Octavio anything that ever happened between herself and her mother. She never told him the dark truth that she had to endure every single day. She had a story for every bump, bruise, cut, stitch, and so on that didn't involve the abuse of her mother.

She was so exhausted from everything that had transpired earlier in the day so she had to quickly think of something to tell him but her brain was all over the place. She quickly glanced around her room and then back up at him, "I took a spill when I was skateboardin'." She bit her lower lip and looked away. He raised an eyebrow trying to play it out in his head on what trick she did to get such an awesome wound, "Sorry Che. I should have been there."

"You don need ta be sorry." She bit her lower lip but quickly stopped. She felt bad when Octavio blamed himself for anything that had to do with her, especially when she had to make up fake stories. She hated isolating herself. She hated being away from him. She wanted to tell him everything but she didn't want him to look at her any differently. She didn't want to be the victim that she already was. This was her battle, not his.

Octavio caught Ajay's lower lip bite and then looked over to the corner of her room where her skateboard leaned against the wall; where it had been in the same spot for weeks now. He took a moment to think and then shrugged it off, "I thought we were going to go skating together today?" Again Ajay was silent as she tried to think of what to say, of what lie to conjure up next to piece together with the first one.

She nodded, "Yah. Sorry. I couldn' wait." He smiled for a moment and then moved his gaze down along her right arm where he saw the long laceration and a bunch of stitches caked in dark, dried blood, "Damn Che. That must have been one hell of a fall! Did ya get it on video? You know the views on that would have been sick!" Once again she hated lying to him; she was beginning to feel physical ill from all of the lying. She couldn't even look him in the eyes when she lied this time, "Nah."

He his eyes fell towards her chest for a long time; long enough for Ajay to take notice. She watched him watch her chest move up and down as she inhaled and exhaled. When Octavio finally pried his eyes from her chest and saw her looking at him he released her wrists and quickly rolled off of her. "I will go get some snacks and drinks for our movie night." Ajay nodded and sat up as he left her room. She had completely forgotten about movie night. It had, after all, been the first priority that even got her to this point and then it got lost in the shuffle.

After Ajay sat up she tried to stand but she felt too weak to do anything. Instead she slid her back down the side of her bed and sat down on the floor. She let out a sharp sigh and stared down at her stitched up arm that had fallen into her lap. Her gazed moved from her arm and up into Octavio's emerald eyes as he rushed back into her room without any snacks or drinks, "What's up Silva?" He had nearly startled her but she never let it show.

He shook his head in disappointment, "What really happened Ajay? With your arm?" Ajay's stomach flipped when she heard him call her 'Ajay' because he never called her that; he never called her by her real name, "Whatcha mean?" Octavio kneeled down in front of her and took her hands into his own, "Your skateboard has been in the same place for weeks. Tell me the truth. We're best friends."

Ajay nodded and looked down at their hands; she liked it when he touched her. Something felt right when she was with him. She felt terrible when she heard the distress in his voice. "I got inta anotha argument wit mi mother. Tings got physical and I tried to…" She paused as warm tears fell from her cheeks. She hated crying and she especially hated crying in front of him. She hated being this weak in front of him.

He looked down at their wet hands as tears dripped from her face, "Che…" He frown as he leaned in towards her. He pressed his forehead to hers and forced her to look at him as he spoke, "Why would you do that?" She met his concerned gaze with her own pathetic gaze, "It's just a lot Silva. More than I want ta talk about." If she was being honest, this wasn't even the tip of the iceberg. She didn't have the emotionally energy to explain everything to him right now or maybe even ever.

She closed her eyes as he spoke, "I can't lose you Che. You're the only person I've got. Remember, the Silva and Che show? It has been like that forever." She forced back tears when she heard the drastic change in his voice. She took in a staggered breath and opened her eyes to find her forehead now pressed against a man that she could only assume was an older version of her best friend; but how?

Ajay's heart literally almost flat lined as she stared into the emerald eyes of the older version of Octavio. With her forehead still pressed against his, she tried not to drown in her own tears as she choked them back, "Silva?" She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her after she said his name. The energy it took for her to say his name made her feel as though she was going to faint from exhaustion. Almost as if her brain had locked him away behind some door and it had taken everything in her to open it.

"Che." Her eyes were locked with his as he said her name. She was afraid to blink or to even look away. She was afraid that he might disappear forever and she that she would be left here alone again. Her hands continued to grasp his tightly as she thought about what she wanted to say. A million questions played through her mind. She really didn't even know where to start with her interrogation. "I…. How…. What…." It was exhausting to get any words out, like something was holding her back.

She pried her sticky forehead from his as she suddenly felt anger swell in her gut. She dropped her hands into her lap after letting go of his. Octavio brought his arms to his knees where he rested them as he continued to stare at her. She tilted her head downward because she couldn't seem to look at him anymore. At this point she didn't care if he disappeared.

"Yuh promised mi that yuh never grow up but yuh fuckin' grew up. Now I have ta let go." Tears fell from her face; she just didn't have the strength to hold them back anymore. Her word came out in a fit of rage. Why did he grow up without her and leave her here to rot in this fucking house. She was on the verge of hyperventilating. It wasn't fair and she knew she was acting childish at this point.

"Che…" She let out a small sob and cut him off before he could finish. "I always fuck tings up." Her heart fluttered when she felt his fingers on her chin, pulling her gaze to his. She reluctantly followed his command. "Che. We both grew up." A look of confusion overtook her face. She didn't understand what he meant. She was still a teenager and he was an adult. She didn't even know how that was even possible. She couldn't process what he was saying.

She squeezed her eyes closed because she couldn't bring herself to look at him anymore. Nothing was making sense and her head was beginning to throb again, almost to the point of blacking out. "I just wanna go ta sleep and wake up from dis nightmare." She could feel his hand leave her chin and for a moment, she thought that maybe he had left completely. "Why won't he just go..."

"Che…" She nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard her name again. She let out a staggered sob but refused to look at him as she let her chin drop to her chest. She could feel him ease her left hand out of her lap and turn it upright with her palm upwards. As his rough fingertips began tracing the lines on her palm of her hand, she whispered to herself, and partially to him, "Da pines?"

He released her hand, "I will meet you there, beyond the pines. Don't go to sleep." When her sobbing finally ceased she opened her eyes and looked down at her upturned hand. The longer she stared at the creases in her hand where Octavio had traced like it was some kind of map. The walls began to melt around her and when she was finally able to make complete sense of the map she pulled her eyes away from her hand; she was no longer in her bedroom.