Nativity at Cheers
[Cheers. Afternoon]
(It is snowing outside and although it is chilly in the streets, it is very warm inside, not only because of the heater, but also because of the homey atmosphere. The bar is filled with Christmas decorations, Woody and Sam are wearing matching Christmas hats and are behind the bar. Sam is making an Irish coffee for an older customer who has just walked in and Woody is making two mugs of mulled wine for a couple. Cliff and Norm are on their usual stools, drinking beer. Carla is wearing Santa earrings and is coming from the pool room with an empty tray in one hand and a couple of bills in the other. Suddenly, Deck the Halls music is heard very clearly and everyone exchanges glances, puzzled and confused)
Norm: What's that?
Carla: It seems to come from the outside.
Diane: (Enters singing, smiling and cheerful, with a cassette in one hand and a couple of bags in the other) Deck the bar with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
(Seeing that it was not anything weird, Sam laughs, and Carla, Norm, Cliff and Woody smile. Diane is visibly in the Christmas spirit. She is wearing a white tight winter dress, a checkered red scarf and a beautiful red coat)
Woody and Diane: 'Tis the season to be jolly. Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
(Diane, seeing Woody joining, smile happily, leave the cassette in the bar and signals for the rest to join to)
Woody, Sam and Diane: Don we now our gay apparel. Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la.
Frasier: (Enters and hangs his coat while singing) Troul the ancient Christmas carol.
(Hearing Frasier, all open their eyes wide in surprise and turn to him very surprised. When Frasier sees Diane pregnant, he jumps in surprise and open his eyes wide)
Frasier: (In a high-pitched tone, very surprised) Fa-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la!
(All laughs at his reaction. When Sam sees Frasier start counting, laughs)
Sam: Ts!
(Frasier looks at Sam and he shows him six fingers. Then Frasier stops for a moment to think and then nods somewhat relieved)
Kelly: (Entering with Oakley and a big bowl of alcohol-free punch) See the flowing bowl before us. Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
(Seeing Kelly, Frasier get surprised and smile. Oakley, seeing his dad, runs to him and Woody smiles and hold him)
Carla: (Joins and looks at Norm and Cliff while signaling for them to join them) Leave the beer and join the chorus.
(Sam, Diane and Frasier laughs at Carla's comment)
All: Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Diane: (To Sam, holding some mistletoe to hang) Follow me in merry measure.
(Sam takes the mistletoe and hangs it)
All: Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la.
Lilith: (Enters the bar with Freddie and joins the singing) While I sing of beauty's treasure.
Freddie: (Is surprised to see his father and runs to hug him) Dad!
Frasier: (Is surprised to see them enter and hugs Freddie, very happy to see him) Freddie!
All: Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la.
(Frasier start thinking about Sam and Diane, frowns, looks at them and raises his head a bit as if asking for answers. Sam and Diane show them their rings and Sam shows him six fingers. When Frasier realizes, laughs)
Rebecca: (Enters along her husband, dressed in an elegant dark green dress) Fast away the old year passes.
(Seeing Rebecca, all get surprised and smile. When Diane turns to her, she opens her eyes wide at the sight of her belly. Cliffs smiles at his cousin as a greeting)
All: Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la.
Diane's Mother: (Enters carrying some bags with presents) Hail the new, ye leads and lasses.
(Diane, seeing her mother, is surprised and runs to hug her, very happy. Helen is very surprised to see how big Diane's belly has gotten and happily hugs her daughter. Sam smiles at the sight of them and great his mother-in-law with a smile)
Diane: Mummy!
All: Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Carla's kids: (Entering) Laughing quaffing all together.
(Carla is very surprised to see them)
All: Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la.
Cliff's Mother: (Entering) Heedless of the wind and weather.
(Cliff, seeing his mother, is very surprised and runs to hug her)
All: Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la.
(Diane writes in a paper "Halls" "Bar" and "Yule-tide" "Christmas" and shows it to the rest)
All: Deck the bar with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la / 'Tis the season to be jolly. Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la / Don we now our gay apparel. Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la / Troul the ancient Christmas carol. Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
(The music of Deck the Halls sounds again)
Making your way in the world today
takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries
sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see
our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.
You wanna go where people know
people are all the same.
You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
[Cheers]
Diane: (Happy to see everyone together) This looks like a Christmas miracle. (Looks around) Huh? (To Norm) Where's Vera?
Norm: At home, cooking. She said she didn't want me around 'cause otherwise the food wouldn't make it to dinner or something like that.
(Hearing this, his friends smile resignedly)
Freddie: Dad, how are Grandpa and Uncle Niles? (In love) And how is Daphne?
Frasier: (Laughs) Well, when I left, your Grandpa was chasing Eddie to dress him up as Rudolph, Niles was cooking Christmas dinner after all the chefs in town refused, and Daphne took a plane to England yesterday to go see her family.
Freddie: (Surprised) You left Grandpa alone?
Frasier: Don't worry, knowing your aunt, he'll be the one with whom Niles will be sharing dinner. And I wouldn't be surprised if Daphne is there tomorrow to open the presents.
(Lilith, who has already heard a few stories about the Moons and knows Maris personally, nods slightly as if to say "That's a perfectly plausible scenario")
Freddie: Dad, would you mind putting me down? I want to give Uncle Sam a hug.
(Frasier laughs at the comment and puts the boy down. When Sam sees him running towards him, he grabs him in the air and Freddie laughs)
Frasier: I see you two are still very close.
Freddie: Actually, I haven't seen him in a long time. (Surprised) That's a ring! You got married?
Sam: (Smiles) Yes, and I'm gonna be a dad (laughs).
(Freddie, looking at Diane, is surprised)
Lilith: Frederick, this is Diane. Sam's wife and... an old friend of mine and your father's.
Freddie: Nice to meet you.
Diane: (Smiles) My pleasure.
Esther: Clifford, where's that so-called girlfriend of yours? You're not making up that you're seeing someone again, are you?
(Hearing Mrs. Clavin, Norm and Sam hold back their laughter)
Rebecca: (Very surprised and somewhat confused) Wait a second, Cliff has a girlfriend?
(Hearing Rebecca, everyone laughs or holds in their laughter)
Cliff: Why is everyone so surprised? I do have a girlfriend, and yes, she's a real woman. She's at home right now cooking dinner.
Esther: (Angry) You left her alone instead of helping her?! Leave me your car keys, I'm going to your place.
Cliff: Wait, Ma...
Esther: Clifford...
Cliff: All right... (Hands her the keys) Drive carefully.
Carla: (To her children) Now, can one of you explain to me what this is all about?
Ludlow: We wanted to surprise you.
Anne Marie: Yes, and to wish you a Merry Christmas before we go spend the night with our boyfriends.
Carla: That makes more sense. (She takes a box of Christmas-themed condoms from the counter and gives some to Anne Marie and some to Lucinda) Here, your Christmas present.
Ludlow: Stickers?
Carla: You guys wait, I have the kids' ones in another box. (She bends down and takes out a box with Christmas stickers)
Ludlow: Isn't it kind of sexist to differentiate between boys' and girls' stickers?
Anne Marie: You'll understand when you grow up.
Diane: That's a natural thought, but actually the difference between them is not the sex, but the age range they're targeted at.
Sam: Carla, do you mind if I grab a few for tonight?
(Carla looks at him with disgust and Diane holds back her laughter imagining the scene)
Carla: You don't need them anymore.
Sam: Come on, it'll be fun...
Carla: (Gives him the box) Take them and shut up.
(Sam looks at the box happily and, slyly, Woody and Cliff take some)
Jesse: (To Freddie) Do you wanna play pool?
Freddie: Ok.
Lilith: Knowing your sports background, maybe it would be safer if you played darts.
Ludlow: Don't worry, if you're not tall enough, I'll hold you.
Sam: (Approaches Rebecca discreetly) (Quietly) Hey, Rebecca... (Happy) I'm glad you found someone after what happened with Don. Congratulations.
Rebecca: (Smiles, happy) (Quietly, to Sam) Thanks. And I'm glad things worked out with Diane this time, and also that you fulfilled your dream of getting married and becoming a dad. (Very happy) Speaking of marriage... (Shows him her ring)
Sam: (Surprised) You got married?!
Cliff: (To Will) How come you didn't invite me to the wedding?
Rebecca: We eloped. There was no public.
Sam: (Confused) Wait a minute, you two know each other?
Cliff: That's my cousin Billy.
Sam: A Clavin marrying Rebecca is something-
Cliff: No, he's my cousin on my mother's side. My father never had any siblings.
Will: (Extends a hand to Sam) William Stanton. Nice to meet you.
Rebecca: (Happy) He's a member of the Armed Forces, and he's a real gentleman.
(Will smiles)
(At that moment, a man unknown to everyone except Sam and Diane enters the bar)
Ethan's father: Sorry to bother you on Christmas, but is there by any chance a mechanic here or someone who knows how to fix cars?
Sam: (Surprised) Mathew?!
Ethan's Father: (Very surprised) Sam?!
Norm: An old friend, Sammy?
Mathew: Rather an old fan.
Cliff: Well I'm not a mechanic, but I'm pretty good with cars.
Norm: Yeah, good at finishing them. (Standing up) Let me look at it.
Sam: (Leaving the bar) I'll go help you.
(When Ethan sees Sam through the car window, he is surprised and runs out to hug him)
Ethan: Saaam!
Sam: (Happy to see him) Hey! How're you doing, bud?
Ethan: Great! Our team won the baseball championship!
Sam: That's great!
(Sam and Ethan high-five and, as he takes his hand away, he is surprised to see the ring)
Ethan: You married Diane?!
Sam: Yes (laughs).
Ethan: Is that why you never called me to play?
(Sam, hearing the boy, was a little saddened)
Sam: I'm sorry, these last few months have been crazy. Why don't you go downstairs and ask Diane to make you a cup of hot chocolate while my friend and I fix your dad's car?
Ethan: Good idea!
Ethan's mother: Let me go with you.
(Ethan runs down the stairs and enters Cheers. When he sees Diane, who was laughing along with Frasier, he is surprised)
Woody: What'll you have, little guy?
Ethan: Hot chocolate.
(Diane, hearing the boy's voice, is surprised and turns to him)
Diane: Ethan?
Ethan: Now I understand why Sam said he's been too busy.
(Hearing the boy, Diane laughs)
Lilith: After Nanny G's party, this is the most kids I've ever seen in the bar.
Ethan: Are there more kids?
Diane: Yes, our friends' children.
Ethan: (To his mother) I'm gonna go get my toys. (He runs out)
Carla: (To Woody) Lemme help you with the chocolate.
(...)
(After a while, Sam and Norm enter the bar)
Sam: Car fixed.
Ethan's mother: Thank you very much. Diane, it's been a pleasure to see you again.
Diane: Same for me.
Ethan: (Hugs Sam) When the babies are old enough to go to the park, call me one day.
Sam: Yes (smiles).
(As Ethan and his mother leave, Esther and Sharon walk into the bar, talking)
Esther: Do you know what's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? (Seeing Sharon remains silent thinking) A literalist takes things literally; a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
(Hearing the answer, Sharon, Frasier and Diane laugh)
Cliff: (Happy and surprised, although a little nervous) I see you two are getting along.
Esther: (Happy) Clifford, your girlfriend is lovely. I can't wait for her to become my daughter-in-law.
(Cliff, relieved, smiles)
Lilith: Frederick, it's time to go home.
Freddie: (Somewhat disappointed) So soon?
Lilith: Your father has to finish making dessert.
Freddie: (To Carla's children) Thank you for inviting me to play. It's been fun.
(As Lilith opens the door to leave, thunder rumbles, the sky suddenly turns black and a blizzard begins to fall)
Frasier: The sky just saw your mother and froze (laughs).
(Hearing Frasier's comment, Sam, Carla and Norm laugh, but Lilith glares at him)
Sam: Why don't you two stay here for a while? Until the weather calms down a bit.
Frasier: I think we should.
(Freddie, seeing that they still will not leave, runs to the piano to continue playing with Carla and Woody's children)
Norm: Do you think this blizzard will last long?
Sam: I'm gonna turn on the TV to see if they say anything. (Picks up the remote and turns it on)
Diane: (Smiles and walks over to Norm) Afraid you won't make it to spend Christmas with Vera?
(Norm, seeing that Diane was more perceptive than anyone there, smiles sadly and Diane, seeing this, smiles a somewhat sad too and caress his shoulder a little, affectionately. Then she keeps thinking and frowns)
Diane: Sam, what were your Christmases like the years I wasn't with you?
(Sam looked at her somewhat surprised, that question had caught him off guard. Then he stopped to think for a second and smiled sadly)
Sam: Well... There were two in particular I remember clearly, the year you left me to write your book and the one after that. The first one I was alone, frozen in my boat staring at nothing after I went home and saw you weren't there.
(Hearing Sam, Diane is saddened)
Sam: The next one I was at Cheers. Rebecca bought gifts for everyone, and since I hadn't bought her anything, I felt terrible and went out looking for something to give her, but it was late and everything was closed. When I was completely desperate, a stewardess with gift bags saved my butt, she was like an angel fallen from the sky. The funny thing is that she looked a lot like you: tall, thin, fluffy blonde hair with bangs, blue eyes, very smooth fair skin, rosy cheeks, a beautiful smile... Christmas itself was nice, but when I got in the car to go home and turned on the radio, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" started playing and I couldn't help but think about you.
Diane: (Hugs Sam) I'm sorry I wasn't there with you. (Kisses him) If it helps you, my Christmases without you were lonely too. (Smiles) The next ones I'm sure will feel even warmer than this one. And in a couple of years it will be even better.
Kelly: That's true. There is nothing like the excitement of a child in Christmas. Or of a father...
(Sam and Diane, picturing Woody on Christmas morning, laugh. At that very moment, there is a banging and scratching and a high-pitched bark that startles everyone present. Seeing a puppy and a kitten trying to ask permission to shelter from the snowstorm at Cheers, Woody and Lilith run to open the door for them)
Lilith: (Grabbing the kitten) They're freezing! Sam, by any chance do you happen to have a blanket?
Sam: Yes, I have one in my office. (Runs to get it)
Diane: (Moved, to Lilith) Can I hold it?
(Lilith, carefully, passes the small animal to Diane. As soon as Sam arrives, he wraps the blanket around the cat, carefully picks up the dog and puts it next to the kitten)
Sam: (Moved) Look at how tiny they are.
Lilith: Judging by their size, they must be between two and three months old.
Sam: Diane, I think I know what I want for Christmas. And before you protest, think about what it will be like when the babies are born. We'll have four babies at home.
(Diane, seeing that Sam is swooning over the babies, smiles)
Diane: All right.
Sam: (Happy) Thank you!
(Sam carefully lifts up the blanket a bit to try to figure out the sex of his pets before naming them)
Sam: Ok, the dog is a boy; the cat is a girl.
(Sam and Diane exchanged glances for a moment. They had each come up with two names they liked for their children. And, since they already knew what the babies' sexes were, without needing to talk, they agreed to use the two remaining names for their pets)
Woody: If you're going to adopt them, you need to name them.
Sam: I know. Their names will be Toby and Becky. (He looks at them tenderly and strokes their little heads, very happy) No one can resist a baby's cuteness.
Kelly: (Somewhat nervously) Speaking of babies...
(As they all turn to Kelly waiting for her to tell Woody that she is having contractions, they are surprised to see the floor wet)
Woody: (Nervous) The baby is coming!
Kelly: (Nervous) What do we do? It's dangerous to go to the hospital in this blizzard.
Carla: Sam, heat up some water. Lilith, Frasier, turn Sam's office couch into a bed. Diane, keep the kids entertained and tell them what's going on so they don't freak out when they hear Kelly scream.
(Determined, they all follow Carla's orders as Woody holds his wife and helps her with breathing exercises)
(...)
(While Kelly, Woody, Lilith and Carla are in Sam's office, everyone waits nervously outside. After one last scream, a baby's cry is heard. The children look at each other and smile happy and relieved, and the adults look at each other, relieved and happy too, but also moved, especially Sam, Diane and Frasier, who are the ones to whom this subject touched them most closely. After a couple of minutes, Woody comes out with the baby in his arms and they all go over to see her)
Diane: (Moved) She's beautiful. Congratulations, Woody.
(Woody smiles, happy, and carefully walks over to Oakley so he can see his baby sister. Oakley looks at her happily, smiles at her father and carefully strokes her little sister's head)
Lilith: (To Frasier, moved) Isn't it beautiful, Frasier?
Frasier: (Moved) It reminds me so much of when Freddie was born.
Sam: (Moved) Congratulations, Woody. She's a beautiful baby girl.
Diane: How's Kelly?
Woody: As happy as I am (laughs).
Diane: No, I meant...
Woody: Oh, she's fine. Luckily it was a very quick and easy delivery.
Carla: (To Diane) You're not gonna have one this easy with two babies and being your first time.
Diane: (Looks at her as if to say "This is not the time to mess with me") I know.
Frasier: By the way, what's the little girl's name?
Woody: Holly Boyd.
Sam: (Laughs) You couldn't have picked a better name.
Woody: We wanted one that had two syllables and ended in "y", like Kelly, Woody and Oakley. And since she was born on Christmas (laughs).
(...)
(After a while, Kelly joins the Christmas party at Cheers, although, unlike everyone else, she is sitting down to rest while she rocks the baby. As they wait for the snowstorm to stop, they all drink punch while singing Christmas carols with Frasier at the piano)
All: Silent night, holy night / All is calm, all is bright / (Looking at Kelly and Holly with a smile) 'Round yon virgin Mother and Child / Holy infant so tender and mild / Sleep in heavenly peace / Sleep in heavenly peace...
(...)
(When it finally stops snowing, Woody and Kelly say goodbye to everyone. As they go upstairs, they cross paths with a person who is coming downstairs and knocks on the door, although we cannot see her face because the curtain is drawn. When they hear the knock, Norm's face lights up)
Norm: (Happy) Vera!
[December 25. Malone's house. Morning]
(When Diane leaves the room, she laughs as she sees that Sam has put the cap and sunglasses he had bought for the baby on the dog. To Diane's surprise, Sam had not opened the presents yet and was quietly playing with the dog sitting under the tree next to an empty cup of coffee and in front of a small record player. Becky, oblivious to the boys' playing, was sleeping curled up on the couch with a smile on her face because the sun coming in from the window was hitting her directly. Diane, seeing her, smiled warmly) Sam: (In a high-pitched voice, waving at her with the dog's paw) Morning, sleepyhead. You're just in time for the concert. (Wags the puppy paw over the record) DJ Toby presents: "Beyond the bones", "Kibble of love", "I'm in heat for you" and his new single, "Back off, hounds, that female is mine". Already on sale in all bark stores.
(Hearing him, Diane laughs and approaches to kiss him. Carefully and with some difficulty, she sits down on the floor next to Sam. Seeing her, Toby barks and wakes Becky, who stretches and fearfully fumbles to get off the couch. Realizing this, Sam laughs and signals Diane to put her down. When Diane turns and sees the kitten trying to muster courage to take the leap, she laughs softly, reaches out her arm to pick her up, and places her on the floor carefully. Then she looks at Sam with a smile, impatient to see him open his presents. Sam picks up the second smallest one first and, seeing that it is a mug that reads "Best Dad" and has a heart on the back that reads "S + D", he laughs)
Sam: (Pointing to one of Diane's gifts) Open that one.
(Diane obeys and, when she sees that it is a mug that reads "Best Mom" and has a heart on the back that reads "S + D", she laughs. Sam, seeing her, laughs again)
Diane: It's amazing how in tune are.
Sam: Yes (laughs). I'm glad you mentioned how happy you were that our initials had survived the fire and how much you loved seeing them every day, 'cause we both had the same idea. And also thanks for not destroying my bar twice trying to change the "C" to an "M" or adding our wedding date.
(Diane laughs and Sam, seeing that for the first time they are having a warm, cozy Christmas where they are really liking their gifts, smiles and opens another present, the smallest one. Removing the paper, he sees that it comes in a small box, but there is nothing on it that indicates what it is, so he opens it with great curiosity. Carefully, he takes out the content and, seeing that it is a miniature copy of his Corvette, he looks at Diane very surprised)
Diane: Maybe I should have waited until next Christmas when the kids could play with it.
Sam: Are you kidding? This is great. I love it. (Kisses her)
(Diane smiles and opens her next gift, which is small and plain, like a card. Seeing what it is, she smiles)
Diane: A massage voucher! Thank you. (She kisses him)
Sam: You're gonna love it. They have massage tables for pregnant women, so you won't have to wait until April to use it.
Diane: It's perfect. (Kisses him) Thank you.
Sam: Open the next one.
(Diane, following Sam's suggestion, opens her gift and is surprised to see that it is a box with two compartments. From the first, she takes out a beautiful fountain pen. Surprised, she looks at Sam)
Sam: When you burst into tears the other day because yours broke when you were finishing a letter I felt awful, so I thought it was a good time to get you one.
Diane: (Looks at him moved and smiles) That's really thoughtful. And it shows me how much you've matured as a partner. Years ago you had to ask Frasier to get me the right gift. Now you've just had to pay attention to the signs.
(Sam, hearing her, smiled. He was definitely paying more attention to Diane this time, and he was happy that she had noticed)
Sam: Now you can write me a letter for Valentine's Day. Considering how much you're sleeping lately, it'll be nice to have something nice to wake up to.
(Diane looks at him with a little smile and continues opening her gift. Seeing what it is, she is surprised)
Diane: (Happy) Soaps! (She reads as she takes them out) Lavender, jasmine, coconut, gardenia... Sam...
Sam: Since you can't take hot baths while pregnant, I thought some soap bars would be a good option for you to relax. They smell great.
Diane: (Smiles and kisses him) I love them. And they're beautiful too. (Smiles excitedly) There's only one gift left, open it.
(Sam, seeing Diane's excited face, wonders what could it be and removes the wrapping paper. Like his previous gift, it came in a box. Carefully because it was heavier, he pulls it out in front of Diane's attentive gaze. When he sees that it is a Cheers miniature, he looks at her perplexed and hugs her moved)
Diane: Look inside.
(Sam bends down to look and, seeing Norm on his stool, Cliff next to him, Carla by a table, he and Woody behind the bar and Diane looking at him, laughs)
[Cheers. One week later. Nighttime]
(At midnight and dressed up, Sam, Diane, Norm, Vera, Cliff, Sharon, Mrs. Clavin, Carla, Ludlow, the twins, Woody, Kelly, Rebecca and William are gathered by the bar with a sparkler in one hand and a lighter in the other)
All: 3... 2... 1... Happy New Year!
(Just as the chimes end, confetti-filled balls burst open on the ceiling and confetti fall to the floor as everyone lights the sparklers. Happy, couples kiss as fireworks begin to burst outside)