Garfield League of America Episode 6: The Dastardly Attack of the Rogues!
It was routine day of sitting at the desk with boredom for Benny the Prison Guard at Iron Heights Prison. Not much was happening, even if his buddy Preston the Prison Guard had blinkered out of existence before his very eyes and Crunchy the Infernal Arsonist in Cell 22 had inexplicably morphed into Crunchy the Nefarious Necrophiliac.
At that moment, Garfield kicked down the door to the prison. Garfield was in no patient mood, on the drive here he had seen more and more of the world ravaged by The Flash's timeline manipulation. His friends Cyborg and Doctor Fate were the latest to be Walking alongside Garfield was Supergirl, who was thoroughly wiping her mouth.
"That was the best rode trip of my life Garfield but now my head is spinning right round like a record." Supergirl said in a smiling daze.
"Then sit and take a breather. I got this." Said Garfield as he went to the front desk. Supergirl plopped down on a nearby seat only to crush it with her super-strength. She sprawled out among the wreckage and moaned as her fingers made their way to her maiden's strongbox. "Garfield don't take too long." She requested.
"I must see Barry Allen The Flash to pound him flatter and redder than strawberry pancakes!" Said Garfield with demands.
"Sorry Garfield but The Flash is high level maximum security prisoner with no walk-in visits allowed. You must first set up an appointment time with approval from Warden Wolfe." Explained Benny the Prison Guard with proper protocol.
"Okay, here is the time." Said Garfield as he cracked his knuckles intimidatingly. Then he pointed at Benny the Prison Guard's face. "And here is the date."
"Ah ha ha, you got it Garfield!" Said Benny the Prison Guard with nervous sweating as he buzzed Garfield in.
Garfield went to The Flash's cell hoping to find answers. But instead he found more enigmas. For instead of Barry Allen The Flash in the prison cell where he should be instead there was a younger red-haired man in a Flash costume.
"How odd. Fortunately I know the universal answer to any tough question." Said Garfield as he took out his Desert Eagle and took off the safety.
"Wait Garfield do not shoot!" Said The Redhaired Flash. "I am not Barry Allen The Flash my name is Wally West The Flash! One day I went to bed and the next thing I knew I woke up in this prison cell!"
"Nice try, schmuck." Garfield said as he readied and aimed at The Flash. "Your plastic surgeon does impressive work now he will buying a new yacht with your help."
"Hold it Garfield!" Said Warden Wolfe as he walked in. "You cannot shoot Wally West for Barry Allen's crimes because he is a completely separate person. We have done the tests to verify it ourselves."
Warden Wolfe gave Garfield a folder with paperworks and DNA tests. To his dismay Garfield flipped through the files and saw that in fact Wally West was not Barry Allen. "Damn this means I can't kill you. That would be a crime and I am no criminal."
"We have no choice but to let him go. That is the law." Warden Wolfe explained with due process as he opened the cell and took of Wally West The Flash's power dampening collar.
"Whew! Am I glad this is over with! Time to go home and eat meatloaf!" Wally West said with sweat-wiped brow.
"You ain't outta the woods yet, kiddo. I got my eyes on you. Step out of line even a mere sliver and I will be upon you like a blade in the dark." Said Garfield with a warning to Wally West who gulped as he ran off with super speed.
"Next time Garfield you should take care not to disrupt the precisely crafted order of my prison when visiting. I am the authority here not you respect me gosh darn it." Said Warden Wolfe with chastisement.
"How about you respect my fist." Said Garfield with venting of frustrations as he decked Warden Wolfe in the gut with his fist. "You let a dangerous super speed criminal The Flash disappear right under your nose. You are lucky I do not burn your dollhouse to the ground and fashion your corpse into a coffee table."
"ugh you make an convincing argument there Garfield." Said Warden Wolfe with concessions as he vomited out all his insides.
Though it pleased Garfield to put the smug Warden Wolfe in his place it troubled his mind that Barry Allen The Flash had escaped prison and was running amuck throughout time and space. And who was Wally West The Flash and where had he come from? Perhaps the best way was to rough up some of those nobodies that The Flash was always fighting.
"Come Supergirl, let us go ravage some Rogues." Garfield said with next steps as he hopped into his Red Corvette and turned on the ignition.
Garfield drove to The Rogue's clubhouse in Central City.
"Halt, Garfield! We have no beef with you but tonight is our members only poker night!" Said Abra Kadabra as he held his magic hand up. "You must wait for it to finish before I can let you inside!"
"IT'S OVER WHEN I SAY IT'S OVER." Said Garfield as he hit the gas and ran Abra Kadabra over and burst into the Rogues clubhouse with the Red Corvette. Garfield and Supergirl found themselves facing several of The Flash's villains. There was Captain Cold, Heatwave, Weather Wizard, Mirror Master, Captain Boomerang and Trickster! They had been sitting around a round poker table drinking root beer and playing go fish like the small-minded small frys they were but now they were rising up in shocked at Garfield's arrival.
"Oi Garfield! What're ya doin' here?" Asked Captain Boomerang with Australian outrage. "I was about to win big and rob the lot of these drongos!"
"Huh, didn't I kill you last Thursday for trying to rob Lasagna Bank over in Keystone City?" Garfield looked Captain Boomerang over.
"Yeah, but boomerangs always come back!" Captain Boomerang chuckled. "Now answer us or the Sheila gets it!"
Captain Boomerang threateningly pointed a boomerang at Supergirl while making a lewd face. She looked at the boomerang and rolled her eyes. "I used to not know what was so good about the people of Earth…" She thought to herself.
"Someone should teach you a lesson about respecting women. I got just the crash-course syllabus." Garfield whipped out his Desert Eagle.
"I'll beat you to the draw this time, Garfield!" Captain Boomerang uselessly flung his boomerang at Garfield. Garfield stepped to the side as he shot out both of Captain Boomerang's knees along with his arms.
"Nooooooooo!" Captain Boomerang cried as he saw his boomerang returning to him at deadly velocities.
"You're right, boomerangs do always come back." Garfield joked as Captain Boomerang's boomerang lodged in his neck causing great arterial spray. "ARRRGGGLBARRRGGL." Captain Boomerang sputtered as more blood shot out of his neck than uncapped fire hyrants on a 100 degree day in New York City. The other Rogues did not try to prevent the imminent death of their friend but instead ran over to his seat on the poker table to snatch up his chips.
"Let's go to your favorite restaurant – OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE." Said Garfield with Australian appreciation as he whipped out his Bowie Knife and cut open Captain Boomerang's back. He then turned the Aussie Evildoer into a Blood Eagle and left him hanging from the ceiling rafters.
"…but now I do." Supergirl finished her thought and then oohed out loud like the piglet as Garfield playfully spanked her bum. Garfield then addressed the remaining Rogues.
"I know you garbagemen are the only folks who hang out with The Flash. Tell me everything you know about him and unlike Captain Boomerang I will let you leave with only bruises to your ego and messes in your undergarments." Garfield said with a rare offer of mercy.
"No, I don't think so!" Said Captain Cold with blunt rejection. "We got no love for The Flashman but what we do know is that if we kill you Garfield it will shoot us up the charts of criminality! We will be the Worst of the Worst! Get him boys, he can't take us all!"
The Rogues all sprang into action, trying to use their gimmicky gadgetry to take down Garfield. But Garfield was nimble like the ninja, floating like the bee around their myriad attacks while seizing openings to sting like the butterfly. The battered surviving Rogues stumbled back in retreat except for Trickster who was too slow and Garfield grabbed him by the collar.
"Wait Garfield spare me it was their idea not mine I was just following orders"! Trickster pleaded.
"That is what every Nazi I took prisoner in World War II said to me. My fists of justice begged to differ and I made sure they always followed the River Styx to Hades." Said Garfield as he slapped the Trickster caving in half his skull.
Garfield reached into Trickster's pocket and found some sticks of bubble gum. "Here's a last meal." Garfield force fed the Trickster his own sticks of trick bubble gum. Once inside his digestive system they expanded until they had burst him open inside out.
"I guess that's why Mama always told me to never swallow." Garfield joked and warmly recalled childhood memories of baseball games and birthday lasagna.
The surviving Rogues quickly regrouped with more fruitless persistence than the Detroit Lions. Supergirl was about to step in to help but Garfield held up his arm to stop her.
"Stay back, Supergirl! This is a real man's work!" Said Garfield with tactics.
"Yes you are right Garfield! This looks dangerous I may chip a nail!" Supergirl said with womanly worries and resigned herself to her place of cheering Garfield on. The Rogues came at Garfield with the most tactical plan they could come up with: running at him one at a time while the others stayed back.
"Good idea Garfield she'll be in much better shape for us to have fun with once we're done with you!" Weather Wizard said with malicious intentions as he used his weather wand to fire extreme weather like thunderstorms and hail at Garfield. He bombarded Garfield with such intensity Garfield disappeared from sight within the barrage of bad weather making Supergirl's heart race with worry.
"Ha ha ha Garfield! Looks like this is one storm you cannot weather!" Weather Wizard bragged with presumptions. But then his jaw dropped and his heart skipped two beats as the weather cleared and standing bright shining proud and unblemished was Garfield. Garfield gave an unamused look that let Weather Wizard know he had stepped in it.
"Yay Garfield! Get him!" Supergirl cheered as Weather Wizard summoned a torrential tsunami and flung it at Garfield only for Garfield to do a jumping flip over the high waves and grab Weather Wizard by the neck.
"I got a few weather forecasts too. I see TWISTERS in your future." Garfield quipped as he then used his jujitsu skills to break Weather Wizard's bones and tie his body up in a knot. Garfield then stuffed some dynamite in Weather Wizard's mouth and used the fallen weather wand's last charge to take the roof off the house with a tornado that swept Weather Wizard up.
"It's raining men." Garfield joked as Weather Wizard exploded and pieces of him fell down everywhere.
"You may have bested three of us but it ends now! You will be no match for the MIRROR WORLD!" Said Mirror Master as he leapt from reflection to reflection in the room to launch a dirty sneak attacks on Garfield. "TASTE THE MIGHT OF MIRROR MASTER!"
Mirror Master flew at Garfield's back with intention of stabbing only for Garfield to spin around and grab him out of the air with ninja reflexes. Mirror Master then screamed as Garfield put out his eyes with gouging.
"The only master you are is of your own weakness." Garfield then dragged Mirror Master by the eye sockets over to a large mirror.
"Mirror Mirror on the wall who's the deadest of them all?" Garfield said with ironic finisher as he smashed Mirror Master's face into the mirror shattering the glass and filling his face with shards. For extra insult to injury Garfield finished Mirror Master off by rubbing his face all over the broken glass until his body stopped moving.
"Okay taking Garfield on one at a time is not working out! Heatwave, let us BOTH take him on!" Captain Cold declared.
"Wow I never thought of that before! Captain Cold you're a genius!" Said Heatwave said as he and Captain Cold began blasting their elemental guns to the max at Garfield.
Garfield using acrobatics leapt over and under several deadly beams of fire and ice. Besieged on both sides by dualing forces of nature Garfield got a brilliant idea to overcome his foes. With clever leading of way, Garfield made it so that Captain Cold and Heatwave shot each other. Now Heatwave was stuck in ice and Captain Cold was a screaming thrashing inferno. But that wasn't the end. Reaching into his utility belt, Garfield ripped out two big lasagna magnets and flung them onto Captain Cold and Heatwave.
"Time for Chemistry Lesson: opposites attract!" Garfield quipped as the magnets activated and sucked Captain Cold and Heatwave twards each other. Screaming the two elemental miscreants could do nothing to stop their bodies from colliding and exploding as fire met ice. "Looks like you two just flunked out of class."
Garfield looked around and admired his work, but then frowned. "It seems that once again I got so caught up in kicking ass and taking names I forgot to leave someone alive to interrogate."
But before Garfield could come up with Plan B, he was hit from behind with super-speed fists of ambush! Garfield recovered and turned around to see his assailant was none other than Supergirl! Garfield noticed Supergirl's eyes were glazed over like Krispy Kremes indicating she was benig mind-controlled! Garfield skillfully blocked mind-controlled Supergirl's strikes and used soft palm strikes to stagger her, taking care not to damage the goods.
"I wonder if you will smell like lasagna when I cook you alive?" Mind-controlled Supergirl said in distorted voice. Supergirl's eyes glowed red and fired heat vision at Garfield. Garfield did a backflip to avoid the heat vision and he grabbed one of Mirror Master's remaining mirrors using it to block and reflect the heat vision back at Supergirl. The heat vision hit Supergirl in one of her soft spots and knocked her out. As Supergirl fell down to Earth like a feather, Garfield clenched his fists at the psychic manipulation of his prized new Kryptonian squeeze.
"Show yourself miscreant stop hiding behind little girls. Or are you not MAN ENOUGH to face me?" Garfield roared with challenge.
At that moment, the bathroom door exploded as out burst GORILLA GRODD. Gorilla Grodd had been in the bathroom the entire time while Garfield was killing the other Rogues.
"I AM SOMETHING MORE THAN A MAN, GARFIELD. I AM GRODD AND I AM YOUR DESTRUCTION!" Gorilla Grodd said with beating of chest. "I will strip you to your bones Garfield!"
"Gorilla Grodd. We meet again." Said Garfield with recognition.
"This time will be the last time Garfield for I will finally destroy you at long last and replace lasagna with bananas as the food of the world! I will turn the State of Florida into my own personal banana plantation!" Said Gorilla Grodd with agricultural intents.
Garfield scoffed. "Bananas are the food of the impotent quitters who cannot get it up even in their daydreams. I suggest you surrender, you know your amateur mind control tricks won't work on me."
"I learned that lesson all too well last time we fought so lets settle this the old fashioned way!" Gorilla Grodd ran at Garfield with swinging fists. Gorilla Grodd tried to pound Garfield into the pavement but Garfield deftly dodged his slow and predictable moves. Garfield then grabbed the fist of Gorilla Grodd and judo flipped him into the dirt.
"I don't have time for monkey business." Garfield told Gorilla Grodd as he loaded his Desert Eagle with high calibur bullets capable to pierce Gorilla Grodd's hide and pointed it at the angry ape. "Tell me everything you know about The Flash and I'll let you slink back to your Kingdom of Bananas in shame."
"The Flash may be my enemy and your enemy Garfield but that does not make you my friend." Gorilla Grodd snorted definatly. "I will never debase myself by giving you aid in any way."
"If I cannot convince you to change your mind I have no choice but to change your heart." Said Garfield with facts and logic. Garfield proceeded to pump Gorilla Grodd with a full clip, killing him. Garfield then grabbed a hacksaw and proceeded to cut Gorilla Grodd's head open.
"Now I can pick your brains for what I need." Said Garfield with science as he ate Gorilla Grodd's brains to absorb the knowledge he needed of The Flash. Gorilla Grodd's psychic memory gave Garfield everything he needed to know about Barry Allen The Flash including where his secret evil base was. All except for one thing: it did not answer Garfield's question about the mysterious Wally West.
"Oh well." Garfield shrugged as he went to check on Supergirl. "I'll save him for the Cherry on Top of the Dead Flash Sundae I'm about to whip up."
Supergirl had woken up. "Garfield I am very sorry that my weak womanly self was so easy for Gorilla Grodd to mind-control and use against you." Supergirl said with apologetics.
"Do not apologize for things you had no control over. Besides I knew I was never in any real danger from you, stocking stuffer." Garfield said to Supergirl as he kissed her on the cheek to make her feel better. "Now come let us away to The Flash's secret evil base. It is time to bring his whole house of cards down like the Berlin Wall."
Meanwhile Barry Allen The Flash was chilling in his throne room on a throne built from baby beluga bones with an large oil painting of the Dark Abomination Speed Force God The Big Zasz hanging behind him. In one hand he held a whip that he used to lash enslaved servant children for his own amusement to produce tears of innocence to be gathered in bowls and mixed with their blood from the cuts then later bottled so he could savor them like a fine wine. In the other hand he was pigging out on some PINEAPPLE PIZZA. WITH EXTRA PINEAPPLE. The Flash motioned and a weeping servant brought him a goblet filled with a milkshake that had been blended with extra Satanism and peanut butter.
"Being evil is all kinds of good." Said The Flash with morbid realizations as he drank. "I wasted so many years of my life trying to help the people when I could have been ruling them instead. If I cannot gain their love and appreciation I will settle for their fearful subservience. Now lets watch some TV."
The Flash turned on the TV and spit out his milkshake as he saw frightful sight captured by hidden cameras of Garfield effortlessly dispatching all his Rogues who used to give The Flash such troubles. Then like a flash of subliminal images spliced into film reel The Flash saw flashing before his eyes strange and troubling sights. A Flash that was so dark it was like a Dark Flash. Fruitlessly trying to push a rock over a hill only for it to break at the top. Roaring in frustration caught in an endless loop. Then there was that red-handed man who was also The Flash in front of a burning house. Who was that Redhead who called himself Wally West? Where did he come from and why did he fill Barry Allen with such Dread?
Barry Allen The Flash shook his head only to dispel the nightmare find that he had awaken in a new dream when he opened his eyes. The Flash had finally being invited to one of Garfield's Party, and he was triumphantly entering with Iris West. The Dream Qukcly became a Nightmare. Almost instantly Iris West ditched him to go find Garfield leaving The Flash all alone and awkward in the corner. The Flash went looking for Garfield, only to turn a corner and run into a mysterious man out of nowhere. The mysterious man was large and Mexican, and chuckling.
"Wow you look scary!" The Flash commented with a fright to the Mystery Man.
"Heh heh heh..." The Mystery Man chuckled. The Mystery Man then gave The Flash a cell phone with a post-it note reading Call Home on it.
"Call home? But no one is there? All my poopy roommates are out clubbing and my skank of a girlfriend is here with me." Said The Flash with some confusion. But still this was a dream and he was not in control. He found himself dialing the landline. And like a shock down the spine, someone picked it up.
"Heh heh heh..." It was the Mystery Man's laughter on the other end of the line, in his apartment!
"Woah! How are you doing that?" Said The Flash like he was tripping.
"Bueno." Said The Mystery Man both in front of him and on the other end of the line before hanging up. The Mystery Man then took the cell phone from The Flash and as the Flash did the walls of dream reality began shattering all around him. The Flash screamed as he fell through a deep dark tunnel, as demons recounted to him his many sins and failings as he fell. He landed with a thud in a pit of well-fed lions who fell upon him with ravaging.
"Owowowowowowowo" The Flash said as his dream self was torn limb from limb.
And worst of all along came the leader of the lions, the ultimate alpha feline, Garfield. Dispelling everything around him, coming towards The Flash with a burning godlike Garfield Punch. The Flash screamed right before Garfield's fist reached him and jolted back to reality.
The Flash had been enjoying his multiversal global crime spree of terror but recently his thoughts had been troubled by visions of omnious dark specters. What did these visions mean? Or were they merely visions? The Flash had spent so much time in time altering it creating and wiping out gazillions of new timelines simultaneously with every action he took that he sometimes had no idea what was dream and what was reality.
"Reverse Flash where are you?" The Flash asked with troubles on his mind.
"I am here, Barry, at your beck and call. Tell me, oh Scarlet King, what troubles you so?" Reverse Flash asked as he emerged from out of nowhere.
"Reverse Flash I just saw Garfield kill like all of my Rogues. I thought you told me we would weaken his might yet he seems to remain as virile as Mbappe at the Superbowl!" The Flash complained with references to the World Series.
"Don't not be so impatient. We have reaped and reaped and soon we shall rejoice in the sowing." Said Reverse Flash as he handed The Flash the latest list of Garfield's friends and allies that they had successfully written off from existence or retconned completely by altering the timeline. "We have almost gotten through the whole list. All Garfield has left is that Kryptonian Strumpet he is lugging around and not for long! We all know she will be of no use to anything except the eyes for she is merely Supergirl not Superman!"
"I guess it was a good idea we changed the timeline to replace Superman with her." The Flash agreed then looked at the names on the list. "Do I have to do this now? My favorite show Rick and Morty is about to come on the telly and I don't want to miss it."
"Do not fret, Barry. I have been busy across time and multiverse. I have been expanding Team Flash!" Said Reverse Flash as he gestured with his hands and in rushed several new Flashes from various timelines across the Multiverse as they rushed into the throne room. "They will finish the work so just sit back and enjoy your little cartoon."
"All hail Flash Prime!" Said The other Flashes as they saluted The Flash before traveling throughout the timestream and bleedspace to carry out dark schemes.
"Garfield has no idea what awaits him! Not just an Army of Speed, but Legion… a LEGION OF DOOM. Doom that shall be his!" Reverse Flash stepped out onto the balcony to admire the real-time results of their reality-shattering handiwork. Reverse Flash knew that with every broken branch of time and deflated Earth in the multiverse the power of The Big Zasz grew and hope died in chunks. Soon all hope would be lost, with Garfield standing as the last candle in an eternal blackout.
"And when that flame is snuffed out, all of existence will be his." Reverse Flash darkly chuckled with malicious anticipation as the stars withered out and moons fell from the sky.
To be continued…