Garfield League of America Episode 7: Zod Strikes Back! A New Trinity Dawns!
Garfield was cruising down the highway at 100 mphs in his Red Corvette, blasting Motley Crue for atmosphere as he and Supergirl passionately exchange smooches of affectionate tonguing. Garfield was on his way to The Flash's Evil Castle to kick ass and eat lasagna, and he was all out of lasagna.
All of a sudden Garfield got a call on his phone. It was from The Reverse Flash! Garfield, continuing to make out with Supergirl as he sped down the road, took the call.
"Reverse Flash! Just the banana slug I was thinking of stomping!" Garfield said with cool threats.
"I'm afraid you won't get anywhere close to us before we wipe all your friends from existence!" Reverse Flash scoffed. "For I and the Forces of Speed have been traveling all throughout the timeline and the multiverse to recruit a Legion of your Greatest Foes to stop you in your tracks Garfield!"
At that moment a bolt of lightning struck the Red Corvette from out of nowhere exploding it. Garfield quickly cast a protective spell around him and Supergirl to shield them the flames and Garfield saw an irate man in a black suit adorned with a large lightning bolt descending from the skies above.
It was Black Adam!
"Black Adam I thought I smelt something like burnt sewage." Said Garfield with unamused recognition.
"Enjoy your insults while you can Garfield for it is this day that I finally destroy you and the Great Satan that is America!" Said Black Adam with dangerous delusions. "The Hierarchy of Power in the Universe is about to change! ALL WILL BOW BEFORE THE POWER OF SHAZAM!"
Black Adam charged up his fists with lightning and shot Garfield with full force electrical menace. "TASTE THE THUNDERBOLT TIMES TEN GARFIELD."
"No Garfield!" Supergirl cried with concern as she lost sight of Garfield beneath the electrical barrage.
"Ho ho ho my ultimate attack has wiped out Garfield!" Black Adam laughed with presumptions. But then the smoke cleared to reveal that Garfield was coolly standing with his arms crossed completely unfazed and unharmed. "NANINANDAYO. That was my ultimate attack!"
"The Power of Shazam is a leaky faucet next to the Majestic Waterfall that is Lasagna!" Said Garfield as his eyes blazed with justice and his fists glowed with flames. He raised his right hand as it quaked with untamed power. "POWER GEYSER!"
Garfield punched the ground creating a great burst of flames from the Earth that hit Black Adam and sent him flying into the air.
"No it cannot end like this!" Black Adam said with disbelief as the flames charred him.
"You have become lost in your dream world of delusions. Time to bring you back down to Earth!" Said Garfield as he leapt up after Black Adam. "GARFIELD CHOP!"
Garfield karate-chopped Black Adam with such power when Black Adam hit the ground he burrowed all the way to the Earth's magma core.
"Ugh Garfield you may think you defeated me but this proves I really won!" Said Black Adam with denials to the end even as the magma melted him alive. In his hand Black Adam held a copy of entertainment industry trade magazine Deadline with article claiming he in fact was real winner and better than Garfield that he delusionally waved around until the last of his corpse sank beneath the magma.
Garfield got back on the phone with Reverse Flash. "Did you really think Black Adam had a chance against me? Better call the hiring agency for refunds."
"So the dumb rock was no match for you after all?" Reverse-Flash asked. "Hmph well don't get too cocky Garfield he was just the tip of the iceberg!" Then he hung up.
"Such wasteful spending. Looks like I will be auditing your accounts with my fist." Garfield said as he cracked knuckles. "Come Supergirl let us be on our way. I usually deliver justice for thirty minutes or less for free, but I am late and now for every extra minute I will be collecting full price with interest."
"But Garfield our ride is destroyed! We will be walking for very longs!" Said Supergirl as she pointed out wreckage of Red Corvette.
"No ride? Are you sure?" Said Garfield as he got a flirtatious gleam in his eyes. He sensually strolled up to Supergirl. "Cause I see a premium ride right in front of me. And I got minds to ride you up and down like the rodeo champ."
"oh Garfield you saucy rogue!" Said Supergirl with blushing. Garfield then got on top of Supergirl and she gasped as she could feel his whole muscular being weighing upon her. Feeling such tingly feelings Supergirl took flight towards The Flash's Evil Castle.
"Giddyap little pony." Said Garfield with playfulness as he spanked Supergirl make her howl with ecstasies of feeling.
"Garfield I cannot hold it in anymore I NEED YOUR MANHOOD now!" Said Supergirl with begging as she tore her suit open exposing her voluminous cleavage to the hardening chills of the open air.
"Ok Jumbo Jets it's time for some daring mid-air refueling." Said Garfield as he flipped Supergirl over and fit his gargantuan nozzle into her welcoming fuel tank. Holding onto Supergirl's breasts with a steel-tight grip for steering while airborne, Garfield actively pumped and pumped Supergirl full of his premium unleaded loving while they continued to fly to their destination.
"Oh oh oh oh yess Garfield yesss my name may be Supergirl but you make me feel like a SUPERWOMAN!" Supergirl shrieked with pleasures as Garfield filled her straight up till she was overflowing. So overcome with the force of Garfield's manly loving Supergirl's head went light and she and Garfield spiraling down to Earth in a tangle of bliss making a mushroom cloud and crater where they landed.
"That was amazing Garfield, but I am afraid I have delayed our delivery of justice some." Supergirl said with next morning regrets as she redressed herself and fixed her hair.
"Don't worry your pretty head, doll." Said Garfield with casualness as he smoked a lasagna cigarette. "It may be the end of the world but there's still time enough for love."
At that moment, Garfield's phone rang again. Reverse Flash, calling again. "AND NOW IT'S TIME TO DIE, GARFIELD! HEEHEEHOOHOO. Prepare yourself for a Blast from the Past!"
"Garfield look!" Supergirl said with pointing as over the horizon came an entire fleet of Kryptonian Invasion Ships. One of the ships landed and out came General Zod with his she-devil lieutenant Faora-Ul.
"Surprised to see me Garfield? The Flash has changed the timeline to bring me back from the dead so I can have revenges upon you!" Said General Zod with time alterations.
"The only surprise I have is that you willingly came back for sloppy seconds of asskicking." Said Garfield with calmness. "Well it's closing time at the grill and I'll fulfill all last orders."
General Zod then noticed Supergirl and likced his lips. "And do my eyes deceive me or is that Jor-El's niece all grown up and ready for harvesting?"
"Drop dead Zod!" Supergirl said with glaring as she flew at Zod with hotheaded fists.
"You will have to go through me first!" Said Faora-Ul with bodyguarding as she zoomed to intercept Supergirl, so close that their breasts smacked into each other with a loud pop, which did catch the attentive interests of both Garfield and General Zod who momentarily paused their coming battle to observe the crazy ladies.
Supergirl and Faora-Ul were shrieking like banshees and tussling like the lobsters as their bodies rubbed against each other like rough sandpaper with their breasts pressed together like Peanut Butter & Jelly. They were pulling on hair and tearing of clothes in an epic Kryptonian catfight for the ages. Garfield and General Zod could not help themselves but hoot and holler as more and more skin was bared as their clothing were reduced to scraps with each passing second.
"Foolish Little Girl you are no match for me!" Said Faora-Ul as she grabbed Supergirl's neck with throttling. "A good death is its own reward take some pride in that!"
"I hope you remember those words when I make you eat them you old hag!" Said Supergirl with heatvision as she managed to aim and shoot Faora-Ul in her privates. Faora-Ul released her and began clutching the wounded area in pain and with her chest left unguarded Supergirl began using her rival's breasts as punching bags. "Ha ha ha your breasts are the most pathetic I've ever handled!"
"How dare you, you slut! I will show you this old hag can still bounce with the best of them!" Faora-Ul retorted as she grabbed Supergirl's fists and forced her arms wide apart and proceeded to put her breasts in the young Maiden of Might's face for smothering. "Baby want some milk huh huh?"
"Mmmmmph!" Supergirl protested as her nostrils and then her whole face were enveloped by Faora-Ul's cleavage. But Faora-Ul's scheme was stopped dead in tracks with Supergirl desperately managed to open her mouth wide enough to bite on Faora-Ul's mature yet tender breast flesh making Faora-Ul scream and pull back. Soon Supergirl and Faora-Ul were locked into an extreme back and forth tit-to-tit and crotch-to-crotch showdown.
"As much as I would like to stay and watch the show, I got an appointment to keep." Garfield sighed with regrets.
"And what would that be, Garfield?" General Zod asked.
"A DENTAL APPOINTMENT AT TWO O'CLOCK." Garfield said with dentistry as he punched General Zod in the mouth knocking out several of his teeths.
General Zod tried to retaliate upon Garfield with punches but Garfield shrugged them off like they were made of Soft Easter Candy.
"Am I fighting Krypton's Lean Mean Fighting Machine or a blind little lady in nursing home?" Garfield taunted before he delivered a mighty roundhouse kick like Don the Dragon Wilson into General Zod's neck sending him staggering.
"Ugh you may have drawn first blood…" General Zod said through split lips as he spit out wadfuls of blood"… but I have learned from my mistakes last time! This time I shall throw the entire force of Krypton at you!"
General Zod snapped his fingers and the entirety of the Kryptonian Forces piled out of their ships and surrounded Garfield while the World Engines began the processes of Terrafarming. "You will be drowning by numbers!"
It looked like Garfield was outnumbered and the House of Zod had the advantages but Garfield was not afraid. Garfield lit another lasagna cigarette, took a drag, and puffed out smoke in rings into General Zod's face impudently.
"A million losers put together will still not add up to one winner. Against me Krypton's full might is but a hut made of sticks in a raging hurricane." Garfield then whipped out his two Desert Eagles. "Here let me make the point clear with hollow point."
"You Kryptonians should've stayed home and died from planet explosions because I will not be as merciful." Said Garfield as he gunned down several hundred Kryptonians with his desert eagles using special kryptonite bullets.
"You do not have enough bullets for all of us!" General Zod said with bravado that barely hid his sweating worries as piles of Kryptonians lay dead around him.
"But he does have THE BATMAN!" Said Batman's voice over loudspeakers as a sleek all-black customized muscle car burst onto the scene. It was Batman in the Batmobile! The Batmobile was blaring Nirvana's Something in the Way while firing missiles filled with kryptonite and red suns into the Kryptonians killing them in great masses with explosions.
"Wait Batman does not kill!" Protested General Zod with moral codes.
"Ha ha ha that applies to human life alien life is whole different matter you luh-luh-loooooser!" Batman laughed with loopholes as he hit General Zod with the Batmobile flipping him like a burger patty. "He's yours, Garfield!"
"I am on him like the leopards in the leper colony!" Said Garfield as he leapt into the air after General Zod to unleash a mid-air beatdown while Batman used his swift driving skills to hit a ramp and aim it at the World Engine. Ejecting before the Batmobile collided, Batman glided to safety as the toppling World Engine fell it into the other World Engines creating a chain reaction of falling down.
"Alas, the day is lost! Once again against all odds a single cat has proven himself the superior to all of Krypton!" Kryptonian Mad Scientist Jax-Ur bemoaned as the World Engines fell on him and all the remaining Kryptonians and they blew up in a great fireball.
"Mmm I love the smell of roast Kryptonian in the morning. Pairs great with a Lasagna Donut." Garfield joked as he returned to Earth using General Zod as a cushion.
"Damn you Garfield!" Said General Zod with despair. He clawed at the Earth, pulling out a handful of dirt, and showed Garfield the dirt as it blew away in the wind. "Do you know what you have just done Garfield? You have destroyed the last of Krypton's hopes of resestbalishing its mighty empire across the galaxy! All for what, this insignificant clump of dirt called Earth and the pests called humanity that reside upon it? What makes mankind so great that you would choose them over Krypton?"
"Tell me Zod. For all its so-called greatness, did Krypton ever create anything like America and lasagna?" Asked Garfield with hard questions. And to his horror, Zod found he could not answer as the question pierced his heart like an arrow of truth. "As I thought. Now Zod… Kneel before Garfield."
"NOOOOOOO!" General Zod fell to his knees as his entire sense of being shattered and his mind went blank like the whiteboard at the end of class. With screaming agonies he clawed his own eyes out but it was too late he could no longer blind himself to the truth. General Zod prostrated before Garfield with no resistance. "My whole life has been a wasted failure in the service of a lie. Do it Garfield put me out of my misery."
"As you wish. Ah just like disco this never gets old." Said Garfield as he stomped on General Zod's head scattering it into pieces violently like dandelions in the wind. And as General Zod's skull was split open and his brain smushed to a bloody smear he at last felt liberation from the chains that had bound him all his life. Garfield then punted General Zod's corpse aside and saw that Batman was coming up to him. Batman was different again, this time he seemed much younger than he had ever been before.
"I see you have noticed the new Batlook. The Flash's continuing timeline alterations have once again recreated my entire being." Batman explained. "It has rejuvenated me with a burning desire for the blood of all evildoers. And Barry Allen The Flash is at the top of the list."
"I like the new look Bats although you could stand to eat some lasagna to build up those muscles a bit." Said Garfield with fair critique and great praise.
"Hah you got it, Garfield." Said Batman with agreement. "Why don't we get a couple of those noodles in me now while we wait for the lady to wrap things up?"
Supergirl and Faora-Ul were still at it, now both completely naked with their bright glistening bodies covered with sweat and scratches. The furious Kryptonian hellcats were now at the phase of fingering and tonguing one another in their private little war. Garfield and Batman broke out the beers and the lasagna and cheered Supergirl on, whilst high-fiving each other over the glorious show they were witnessing.
Eventually Supergirl overpowered Faora-Ul into submission with an assault on her soft spot with superior oral talents. Faora-Ul lay crumpled before Supergirl all sprawled out like urban planning gone awry.
"Ugh I cannot belief you have triumphed and proven yourself the superior orator." Said Faora-Ul with acceptance of defeat in this great debate of feminine qualities as Supergirl cleaned up her mouth with a napkin. "Still, a good death is its own reward and I praise you for the particularly grand one you have granted me. Kara Zor-El with my death you shall be the last daughter of Krypton but I rest easy knowing our people's legacy is in good hands with you."
With that Faora-Ul moaned one final moan of pleasure and then she exploded into bright light and ashes.
"Farewell, you crazy woman. Perhaps in another world we could've been real friends." Said Supergirl with poetic farewell.
"Very impressive display of the erotic arts, lassy taffy." Said Garfield with praise as he began toweling off Supergirl's soft sweaty body. Supergirl giggled and trembled amicably as Garfield toweled her aching soft spots.
"Yes but only because I learned from the best." Said Supergirl with fawning as she kissed Garfield on the cheek.
"Well, shall we be on our way?" Batman asked as he pressed a button and a spare Batmobile sped up. "The Flash's ugly mug ain't gonna break itself."
"Now there's an idea. But I'm driving. Cats come before Bats in the alphabet." Said Garfield with authority as Batman nodded and tossed him the keys to the Batmobile.
Garfield began playing Tom Petty's Won't Back Down to set the mood as he drove the Batmobile off towards the future, to set things right in a world that has gone insane. Still, Garfield felt some lingering troubles in the back of his mind. General Zod and the Kryptonians had always been extremely minor league WNBA-level threat, but if The Flashes had brought them back, what other nightmarish evildoers could they have altered time to restore?
As if to answer Garfield's question Somewhere, far away, two hormonal teenagers nicknamed Beast Boy and Raven who looked like they were played by actors in theyre midtwenties to early thirties where running through the spooky graveyard that was next to Camp Gemstone Creek.
"I cannot wait to be having the Premarital sex in the graveyard! The spooky graveyard that is right next to the abandoned campsite where all those hormonal pothead counselors were murdered last summer! The world is ending so that means its tmie to throw all caution to the wind and party like an animal!" Said Beast Boy with mischievousness and teenage nihilism.
"I hope you did not forget the Pot!" Said Raven with severe addiction. "I wish to be doing a lot of the Ganja Smoking afterwards!"
"Anything for my best girl!" Said Beast Boy as he reached into his pants and pulled out a fat bag filled with the MARIJUANA.
Beast Boy and Raven got on top of a grave with a nameless tombstone. Beast Boy set down a boombox that played Dance the Night Away from Barbie (timely reference) to set the mood and they then had premarital sex with NO PROTECTION. So engrossed were these teeny bopping titans in their carnal fun-time that they did not seem to notice that underneath them the Earth was seeming to shift and stir all over as if the mere act of their sexual relations had flipped a switch.
After Beast Boy and Raven were done with their unprotected premarital sex Beast Boy and Raven got ready to smoke some of that marijuana. Until suddenly the music on the boom box mysteriously switched to Backstreets Back Alright. Then without warning a roaring skeletal wraith burst out from beneath the gravesite they had just finished ploughing on.
It was Odie! Odie through a combination of The Flash's timeline meddling and these irresponsible teen's premarital sex had been brought back to life!
Beast Boy and Raven could only stare and mawk in horror at Odie's disfigured, mangled skeletal body that had rotting flesh falling off of him in clumps as the worms and maggots crawled through all his crevices as he lumbered towards them.
"Don't you know that drugs rot your brain? Here let me show you!" Odie sneered as he reached out and with unexpected strength for a skeleton punched into Beast Boy's skull and pulled out his brain before shoving Beast Boy's own brains into his gaping maw before tearing off Beast Boys head with fatalities. "WINNERS DON'T DO DRUGS! HAHAHAHAHAHA."
"Aieeee!" Raven screamed and she tried to run only for another hand to burst out of a grave marked Voorhees to grab her ankle to make tripping. "Accccck." Said Raven with breaking of neck as she hit a tombstone and was paralyzed.
Odie sniffed Raven's dying body. "Hmph, not a virgin. Already your blood has been tainted. But still, a harlot's heart is a start."
Odie tore out Raven's heart and ate it with wicked chomping before her blackening eyes. Odie then bared his fangs and bite into her neck his draining Raven of what life fluids she had left. As he did, his damaged body began to repair itself. But only partially. As Odie threw Raven's used-up corpse aside all around him other infamous villains who had been put in this graveyard by Garfield began rising from the graves.
Among them were Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Leatherface, Chucky, and three of the Ghostfaces!
"It's nice to see you all, my old apprentices in murder and mayhem." Odie greeted the monstrous repertory before him. "Who else is just aching to brutally cut Garfield into bloody pieces of revenge and then slaughter our way across all of America? It's a delicious world we find ourselves reborn into."
Everyone raised their weapons in cheers or in the case of Jason and Michael Myers affirmative silence. At Odie's snapping of a finger, Jason and Michael Myers dug up the final grave and laid a skeleton in front of Odie.
"But still, this party ain't complete without…" Said Odie as he draped himself in a Dracula cloak to cover his decrepit form and then PISSED FIRE on the bones. There was an earthquake as the ground opened up beneath the bones and they fell into a fiery vortex. The chasm sealed up, only for a few minutes later for a gloved hand with claws to burst out of the Earth. "…MY OLD BUDDY FREDDY!"
"Check it bitches, Freddy's Back and hankerin' for some Revenge!" Said Freddy Krueger as he climbed out of hell and dragged his claws along the walls of a nearby mausoleum creating sparks. Odie handed Freddy his hat and Freddy put it on then laughed. "No Dream Warriors around to stop me and Garfield is otherwise preoccupied… oh yeah, there will be no running from this nightmare!"
"First things first. Y'all must procure me some sacrificial female virgins. I do not wish to face Garfield until I am at my Sunday Best." Odie barked with orders. "The Flash thinks he has Garfield's number but the only one who is allowed to destroy Garfield is me! And once both Garfield and The Flash are dead, the whole multiverse will be mines to rewrite. Flashpoint? Over before it even began. This will be the dawn of the Age of the Immortal O. I shall carve out a legacy of terror, a new constitution of depravity written in innocents blood."
Hearing Odie's evil speech where every syllable was frosted with pure darkness the gathered villains all cheered and began chanting his name – except for Jason and Michael Myers who merely nodded in affirmative silence.
"Oh foolish Garfield, my eternal enemy, you don't even know your lasagna is long past burnt." Said Odie feeling echoing emptiness where a soul should be. Odie, carrying the boombox that was now blasting How Soon Is Now by The Smiths, walked off with his Army of the Damned into the long cold dark of the night with many shadowy tomorrows of sinister wanton bloodshed before him.
To be continued…