Luna's eyes shimmered with building tears as she looked between the bag on his shoulder and him. "Don't do this, Severus," she nearly whispered as though she did not trust her own voice.
The emptiness overtook him even before the words were out of his mouth as he looked into her desperate gaze. "Luna, I… I cannot be what you want; what you deserve. It's time we stop playing house and face that fact."
Her bright eyes dimmed as she looked up at him. Her breath caught in her chest, and she cleared her throat. "Severus, please… you promised."
His eyes stung as he turned from her. He promised to protect her, and that included from himself. He needed to let her go for her own good.
She touched his shoulder, and he resisted his urge to turn to her. She wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, her round form pressing against him. "My mum used to say, 'Be the dandelion seed, Luna. Bloom wherever you are planted. Even if others see you as a weed.' I didn't understand it then, but my father repeated it often and said that was what it meant to be happy."
He scoffed. Luna was more like a rare orchid than a dandelion, deserving of special nurturing and protections. Growing best in specialized habitat and conditions.
"The dandelion thrives in almost any condition, you know. It means you can find joy in all situations if you stop worrying about the things you can't change and appreciate what you have." She said against his back.
He squeezed his eyes tight as though it would block out the overwhelming rush of conflicting emotions burning through him. How dare she? How could she not understand that simply accepting her reality was shit? Dandelion or not, she deserved the mountainside meadow, not the crack in the cobblestone street. She deserved more than what he could offer her. She deserved courtship, and romance, and true love. Not a failed man, a false hero, with a poor example for a father and no sense of a healthy marriage - more a Snape than a half-blood Prince. And how dare she beckon him back instead of casting him away as she should have all along. He was a risk to her, no matter how much she thought otherwise and how much he desired it not to be so. Where was her anger?
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair as he turned back to her. "I do not deserve you, Luna, and there is nothing that will likely convince me otherwise. "
She smiled. "No matter. You have me none-the-less if you wish it so."
"But what about you? You deserve better than this. Living in hiding, pregnant against your desires, unable to have the life you once envisioned. Stuck with me."
"The only thing I've ever wanted from my life is happiness. Happiness is always possible. Nothing that has happened has changed that."
"Are you happy, Luna?"
"Yes." Her silver eyes locked onto his, sparkling with bliss and revealing no deception. "I know you've seen that I am."
"But you could be happier with someone else."
"Don't be so sure." She shook her head. "Chasing happiness never works."
"I still do not understand," he mumbled as he pulled away.
"I am happy. Look into my head again if you have doubts."
He did not need to delve into her mind again. The last experience still burned in his memory.
"Can you tell me you have not felt it?"
He swallowed down the dryness in his throat as he considered the question. They were still under threat in hiding, with a baby on the way which neither was really prepared to care for, a former student and a professor a generation apart, and he still harbored feelings for a woman gone as long as Luna had been alive.
His eyes closed as he inhaled her scent. Gods, she had somehow gotten under his skin despite it all, and it would be a lie to say anything other than he had felt something with her he'd long since forgotten. Long since given up on. He turned away. "Luna. I'm sorry. What if I am not capable of appreciating happiness like you? What if I am not capable of love? What if I am only capable of reliving the mistakes in my past? Could you really spend your life with someone like that?"
Her arms snaked around his waist again. "I love you Severus Snape, and I don't need you to love me back as long as you try."
His heart dropped as he flinched. He ached to return the words but they stuck in his throat as he had no right to say them aloud. He swallowed them down and sighed.
She stepped away from him, leaving a chill in her absence. Her fingers wrapped around his hand as she deposited the black opal ring into his palm.
He slipped it back on her finger. "Keep it."
She nodded and her silver eyes deepened as they implored him to try. Please try.
After a painfully long silence, she turned, and her soft footsteps echoed in his chest as she left the room without another word, likely perceiving his inability to give her even that.
You are a bastard, he grabbed his bag and left out the front door.
Severus sunk into the sofa of his private rooms at Hogwarts, firewhiskey in hand. Luna's declaration of love echoed in his thoughts as he stared at the flames in the fireplace. How had he ever let it get this far? He knew better and should have put a stop to this nonsense long before it had come to this.
He sighed. None of that changed the fact that he had never heard those words spoken to him before. Had it been anyone other than Luna Lovegood, he would have immediately dismissed them as falsehoods or manipulations, but Luna knew better than to say something of that magnitude casually and would never be insincere with her emotions, especially not with him. Finally, he understood those indescribable emotions he had found within Luna's mind. It was more than joy, contentment, satisfaction, tenderness, and adoration. And it was different. It was all of those things and more. It was Love.
He shuddered at the realization. No wonder he hadn't understood it. He had no familiarity with such a concept before. Even now as he contemplated his own attachment to Luna, he was unsure if he could call it love as it seemed so muted in comparison to hers.
I could never live up to that, he thought as he finished his drink in one large gulp.
He awoke to a knock at the door.
"The House Elves told me you were hiding out here," Minerva said when he opened his door.
"I am not hiding," he hissed.
Her eyes rolled very uncharacteristically as she pushed herself into his rooms. "Of course you are. And drinking too from the smell of you." She sniffed.
He rolled his eyes in kind. "Can I offer you something?"
"Only if you've got something better than the foul firewhiskey."
He nodded and led her to the sitting room. He poured her a scotch, and they sat facing each other.
"Why are you here?" The elder witch asked as she observed him over her glass.
"I begin teaching in a matter of weeks."
"Severus, I know better than to assume you have a new found regard for teaching."
His jaw tightened as his eyes stung. "Luna sees in me something that does not exist, Minerva."
"Are you sure about that?"
"I have been in her head. I am quite sure."
She raised a brow. "Is it such a terrible thing?"
He furled his brow. "Yes. Me having any sort of intimate relationship with Luna is inappropriate for so many reasons, but it is made worse by the fantasy she has created where she believes happiness is all that matters."
"Maybe she is on to something…"
"She's a fool."
Minerva chuckled. "Luna may be young, but she is no fool."
He sighed as he felt the effects of the whiskey settling into his chest. "No. You are right. She is no fool. But to think she can change me is foolish."
"She already has, Severus." She smiled as she took a drink. "You have softened."
His lip curled, and his mind spat curses he dared not speak to the elder witch. "Yes."
"And how do you feel about this version of yourself?"
"Vulnerable," he admitted. "I am more terrified than I have ever been in my life. Even during the worst moments under the Dark Lord."
She nodded and took another drink. "Why is that, do you think?"
He hissed as he looked down at his hands. "I imagine it is because I have more to lose, I mean me, personally. Before it was all out of guilt and obligation and later anger and hatred."
"And now?"
He shrugged. "Something more."
She nodded.
"But I can't be a father."
Minerva chuckled softly.
"What is so humorous?"
"How absolutely normal you are behaving at this moment."
He glared at her. "What cryptic nonsense are you speaking?"
"Severus, every soon-to-be-parent has these exact same fears. No one ever feels prepared; even those that have been preparing for it their entire lives."
"This is not some superficial hesitation, Minerva. My own father was shit. I don't even know what a real father is."
"Give yourself some credit, Severus. And Luna too. If you want to do it, you will, and you will be wonderful at it in your own way."
He shook his head. "You are as ridiculous as Luna."
"Optimistic, not ridiculous."
"Isn't it the same thing?" He huffed and took another drink.
Minerva chuckled again.
"Besides, what do you even know of such things?"
"I was a young woman once, Severus. I made a different choice than Ms Lovegood, but I have not forgotten that uncertainty." Minerva sighed and took a slow drink.
"Yes. I see," he mumbled, wishing he had not asked as his liquor filled mind entangled the meaning in her words.
"And I've been an educator a very long time… you are not the first panicked soon-to-be parent I've encountered, Severus. I assure you, terror comes with the territory."
"I am disappointed, Minerva, that knowing me for so long you think it reassuring to say that I am just like everyone else."
She drained her glass. "Perhaps that is why Luna Lovegood is exactly the person you need in your life."
"That is my point. This isn't about me and my needs. It is about her and hers."
"Luna is likely the best judge of that."
"Because we all know 18 year olds make such brilliant decisions in times of great stress." He raised his left arm and pointed to his forearm still holding his whiskey.
Minerva laughed. "You're projecting."
He huffed and finished his drink.
"Think on it, survived. It's time to do more."
A/N: Stats are still down on so let me know you are reading. Leave me your thoughts or a link to something that might inspire me such as some music or fanart. Love it or hate it, I want to know. Thank you for taking your valuable time to read and review! Happy Holidays!