In Hebe's dream, all she could see was black. For the last month, everytime she dreamed about the games it was mostly all black. But she could feel it. She could feel the bug's legs crawling all over her body, biting and sucking on her skin. She could feel the dirt under her cheek and the concrete under her feet as she moved. But she still couldn't see.
Until the very end. Then she could see. And she was faced with the image of her dead allies. Still images of bodies skewered and eaten and beheaded and mauled playing over and over in her mind. She would open her mouth, and it felt like she was stretching it so wide that her jaw would snap and unhinge. And then she woke up.
She would wake up screaming, her mouth gaping just like in the dream. She would wake up sweating like she had been running through those tunnels again. Every night this happened her mother would rush in, pull her close and hold her, stroke her hair and comfort her, holding back tears as her daughter hyperventilated.
Each and every night she would whisper the same words but in different arrangements. "I love you." "You're safe." "I'm here." "You're at home." "It's not real."
That last one was a lie.
It was real. It was too real, and that's why Hebe couldn't bear it. Because she knew that every single one of those things had happened in exactly that way, and there was nothing she could have done to change it. There was nothing she could do to escape it either.
Every waking moment she felt like there was something looming. Something watching her. Even when she was at her happiest. Walking through the market with Annie, having tea with Mags, eating dinner with her mother, sitting at the beach with Finnick. Even then, she could feel that something was wrong, something was screaming out to her to listen. And then she would remember.
And so she would sleep. And every night when she was about to fall into a deep slumber she prayed that there was a god out there to free her. She prayed that one day she would be able to forget long enough to really smile, and really laugh. She prayed that tonight her mother wouldn't have to lie and comfort her when she woke up.
"How do you do it?" Hebe said, throwing a stone into the water.
"Do what?" Finnick replied, not taking his eyes off the patterns he was tracing in the damp sand.
"I don't know. Move on? Forget? However you want to describe it, how do I do it?"
Finnick didn't look up.
"I don't know. I'm still trying to work it out myself. I think it's different for everyone. But it does get easier. To forget."
They both fell silent for a moment.
"Sometimes I wish I didn't volunteer. I wish I could just let that little girl go off to the games." Hebe said, leaning back so she was lying down, staring up at the sky, a bitter expression on her face.
"Me too." Finnick whispered, "I wish neither of us had done it."
Annie still came round to the Cross house a lot. It was one of the few things that remained the same from before the games. Almost every morning Hebe would hear the familiar creak of the downstairs door swinging open, and Annie's voice would float through the house as she greeted Juno. Then Hebe would open her own door, and walk downstairs, hugging her sister tightly.
"How'd you sleep?" She'd say. Hebe's reply was always the same bitter laugh.
"Bad."
Hebe got to work in the kitchen, as Annie sat at the table and chatted to her friend about whatever had happened since they had last seen each other. Usually not much. But Annie had a way of telling stories that made even the most mundane sound exciting. And nowadays, the thing Hebe craved the most was the mundane.
Annie was from the richer part of 4, her father was one of the mayor's assistants, so she could still afford to go to school. Hebe had to leave at 14 to work, and that was when her father was still alive. So as kids Hebe had always loved to hear what Annie was doing at school, and was painfully jealous, although she tried not to show it.
"So what have you been up to today?" Annie asked, still as cheerful as ever. Hebe often wondered if she exacerbated it to make Hebe feel better.
"Oh, just the usual. I haven't been to the market yet; I figured you'd want to come. I went down to the beach with Finnick earlier." Hebe replied, carrying two plates of eggs and toast to the table as she spoke.
"Oh, did you now?" Annie said, smirking and raising her eyebrows.
Hebe rolled her eyes. Ever since she had gotten back Finnick had been insistent on meeting her family. And as soon as he did, Annie became convinced that there was something going on between him and his ex-tribute. Before the games, this would've annoyed Hebe to no end, but now the idea of caring about that kind of thing was just funny to her. And so she let her sister believe whatever she liked.
"You're just jealous." Hebe said, shrugging her shoulders.
"Yeah, me and every other girl in the district. Heck, every other girl in the nation!"
"Trust me, if you had to deal with him as often as I do, you wouldn't be jealous."
"Who's jealous?" A new voice said from the hall. Soon its owner emerged, wearing an old, ragged dressing gown. Hebe's mother.
"All the girls in the district apparently." Hebe said, raising her eyebrows at Annie who laughed sheepishly.
Hebe stood up to get her mother some food, giving her a quick hug as she passed.
"Have you girls been to the market yet?"
"No, not yet, why?"
"Good, because I have a list for you. We're having guests for dinner."
Hebe turned to shoot Annie a confused look. Neither of them could remember the last time her mother had had guests for dinner. Annie shrugged.
"Who?" Hebe said, not bothering to mask her confusion.
"I'm inviting the other victors round for dinner. We've been living here for over a month and we've never interacted with half of them." Juno sighed, walking over to the kitchen sink and pulling out the box of cleaning supplies.
"Huh, ok. Where's the list?"
"On the table." Hebe walked over and picked up the scrap of paper on the table. On it was a long list of ingredients, most obscenely expensive. The most shocking of which was steak. For a moment Hebe began to panic. How was her mother able to afford all this? And then she remembered the house she was currently stood in and the monthly dividend their family was given due to her victor status.
"Are you sure you'll be able to do all the cooking and cleaning by yourself mom?" Hebe asked, grabbing a pouch of coins and pulling on her boots. Annie picked up several of the cloth bags from the drawer.
"Yes, yes I'll be fine, you girls, be careful at the market. Annie, you're of course invited this evening. Oh and Hebe, drop by the neighbours and let them know about dinner would you?"
"Sure thing mom!" She called out, and then her and Annie were out the door.
"Juno can cook?" Was the first thing Annie said as they began to walk towards the gate out of Victors village.
"Shockingly, yes, although I can't remember the last time she did."
The two girls continued to chatter all the way to the market, and Hebe was once again transported back to before the games when she didn't have to worry about being able to sleep at night.
It felt so strange to her that a time that had once seemed so stressful was now nostalgic and peaceful. Her life had been one spent constantly worrying about there being food on the table and she had thought that once that was no longer a problem she would be constantly happy. But the truth was that money had been the least of her worries. Because at least she had felt safe inside her own head.
Together the two of them practically raided the market for all the most expensive ingredients they had in stock, and lugged them back to victors village. Hebe wasn't surprised that her mother was spending so much money in an effort to impress their neighbours, it seemed that her prideful streak was still alive and well. She just hoped that she was prepared to welcome the misfits that were district 4's victors.
Hebe handed over the groceries to Annie to take back into the house, whilst she did the rounds of the village, a task she wasn't enormously looking forward to. So she figured she'd start easy and go to the house closest to the gate which belonged to Mags.
Outside was a large assortment of plants and a small vegetable patch that Mags tended to relentlessly. There was also a similar hanging basket next to the door, handmade by the woman herself. According to Finnick she had a tradition of gifting one to each new resident that came.
Hebe walked up the porch steps to the front door, loudly rapping on it with her knuckles and calling out to the older woman. Soon she heard a familiar voice welcoming her in and she turned the door knob.
Mags was sitting on the couch, reading a book, and at the sound of Hebe's footsteps stood to greet her.
"Hello." She said, wrapping her arms around the girl.
"Hey Mags, it's good to see you."
The older woman nodded, smiling. Clearly today wasn't the best day for her. Mags had suffered a small stroke a few years ago, meaning her speech wasn't the best at times.
"I'll cut to the chase, my mother's decided to host dinner this evening and she's inviting all the other victors. If you're feeling up to it, would you like to come along?"
Mags grinned, and nodded, "I like Juno." She said, and it was apparent that Mags and her mother had formed a bond since meeting.
"Great, she said to come round at 6, so I'll see you then?"
Mags nodded one more time and Hebe gave her a wave before leaving the house and shutting the door behind her, before moving on to the next one.
Most of the residents didn't give her too much trouble. Andrew, the next oldest victor besides Mags and a man rarely seen anymore declined the offer, as did Cordelia, a woman of similar age to Juno who refused to come since they were serving steak rather than traditional food from the district.
Lena, who lived in the house opposite Finnick did accept, as did Tristan, the only victor besides Hebe with a family. Which left Hebe with only one more house to visit, being the one next to her own.
She knocked on the door and announced that it was her and asked if she could come in. She heard footsteps coming down the stairs and Finnick swung the door open.
"Heya. Can I come in?"
"What did you miss me that much already?" He replied, smirking, but moving aside to let her in, Hebe rolled her eyes.
"Not really. I'm being forced to drop by."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah, my mother's inviting all the victors round for dinner, and unfortunately that means you're invited too." Hebe continued, flopping down on the couch and leaning against the arm rest.
"Is Annie going to be there?" He said, resisting the urge to crack a grin at the sight of Hebe's stormy expression. Unfortunately Finnick had interpreted Annie's interest in him as romantic intentions of her own rather than the imaginary ones on behalf of her sister.
"Never going to happen Odair. Not as long as I'm alive."
Finnick threw his hands up in surrender, "Hey, when did I mention anything happening! It's not my fault she's a fan of mine-!"
Hebe cut him off with a smack to the arm as Finnick fell back against the couch in what could only be described as a fit of laughter. She tried to keep her straight face, but in the end couldn't help but crack a smile.
"If I had it my way, no one would be a fan of yours." She said, standing up to leave.
"That's not true though is it? Because we all know you're my biggest fan of all, Hebe." Finnick replied, smirking again as he craned his neck to look at her without moving from his spot on the couch.
"You really shouldn't make that face, you could get stuck like that forever. I trust you'll be able to make it tonight then?"
"I wouldn't miss it for the world sweetheart," He said, winking at the girl standing by the door.
"Dinners at 6, don't be late." She said, laughing slightly as she slammed the door.
The next few hours were spent helping her mother prepare dinner as Annie cleaned up. It felt like they had been transported back years in time, to when Juno would invite their old neighbours around for dinner parties. Because although they were short on cash, Hebe's mother would never let anyone know. They'd stopped seeing all those neighbours shortly after her father died.
Soon they were ready. The table was nicely laid and the candles situated around the room were lit. And when it was time, the guests began to filter in.
First to arrive was Lena, winner of the 48th hunger games. She was tan with long straight blonde hair, strong bone structure and impeccable posture. Although people from the Capitol may think of her as old or past her prime, Hebe thought she was one of the most beautiful people she'd seen. In some ways she reminded her of Tigris, although only in the way she spoke and held herself.
Lena was one of the 'older' victors so had managed to fade into semi-obscurity. And it seemed she was thriving because of it. She was still fit and healthy, and seemingly without the many ailments that victors found themselves suffering from. She was the victor that Hebe had aspired to be when she was still in the academy.
She greeted Hebe's mother warmly, shaking her hand and asking if there was anything she could do to help with the preparation. Juno frantically refused her offer and motioned for her to sit down at the table whilst she returned to the kitchen.
Shortly after came Tristan, his wife Elissa and their baby daughter. Tristan was well known for keeping out of the spotlight, and when he won the 54th hunger games at the age of 16 his strategy had been one of refusing to appeal to sponsors and winning off of pure strength alone. It was one that, surprisingly, worked, and as such he's one of the least known victors in the last 20 years.
As it happens, it was all to keep the identity of his highschool sweetheart, Elissa, secret so they could have a life together outside the public eye. Hebe undeniably respected him for that decision, but also couldn't help but wonder how they could have a child despite everything he'd seen and experienced in the games.
Finally it was Mags and Finnick who walked through the door, both of them greeting their now close friends with warm hugs. It shocked Hebe how quickly she had become so close with the pair of them. Only three months ago she had never properly spoken to either of them in person, and now she was certain that she would trust both with her life. It was strange how the games changed you.
Soon Juno was done preparing the food, and called Hebe to come and begin bringing in the plates to the table. And when she saw the food she suddenly understood why her mother had been slaving away in the kitchen for the entire day.
It was a buffet of meats, cheeses, breads, salads, dips, more salads, and even more meats. It was like the food they had at the Capitol; it was so beautifully made.
"Jesus mom, I knew you could cook but not that well." Hebe said, still staring down at the spread.
"Is it too much? Should I take some away?" She asked, suddenly seeming very self-conscious about it. Hebe laughed.
"No way, I'm starving, bring it all."
And so they did, carrying plates piled high with food for their guests. Hebe watched as their eyes all widened at the sight as it was set down and the two Cross women took their seats. And then it was like something clicked in everybody and they began to stuff themselves. Even Mags who usually ate like a sparrow filled her plate.
As did Finnick, although he was much more unabashed about his greediness.
"When did you get so greedy?" Hebe asked, raising her eyebrows incredulously.
"I'm not, your mom is just a great cook." He said between mouthfuls.
Once everyone calmed down from the initial rush of hunger, a buzz of conversation began with Juno, Lena, and Mags at one end, Tristan and Finnick in the centre and Elissa, Hebe and Annie at the other end.
And, for the first time in months, Hebe managed to forget.