It's My Life

The room was silent. Harry, in front of everyone, just admitted what was wrong. It had seemed strange for him to be so defiant, and Severus had gone as far to believe Voldemort was controlling Harry. But that wasn't the case at all. Harry was scared and hurt. Harry wasn't being defiant, but ready to take a punishment for how he spoke to his father all to try and protect his father, prevent him from going and getting killed on the reasoning he was keeping Harry safe from the dark lord.

This was Harry's grieving of Sirius. How upset he actually was to have lost his godfather. This was Harry terrified of losing Severus, and probably anyone else. But no one else was bordering their life to sit in the dark lord's presence to spy like Snape was. After the outburst, Severus was taken aback by the anger revealing Harry's tear-filled eyes.

"You say it's your job to protect me, your duty? What about your duty as my father?!" Harry glared. "What about the duty of never leaving me, like you promised. When you offered me that potion, and told me you made your choice to be my father when you realized you didn't want to lose someone else you love!" Severus stepped back. "You said; I already lost one person I care about, I won't lose another. You said; I don't want to lose the child I see as my own son. You said you'd always be here for me." He reminded.

"I'm refusing because I don't want to lose you! If the only way to keep you from going back is to take your mark…I'm prepared to face your anger and disappointment for the rest of my life. I can take that, if it means you're safe and I don't have to wonder every time you leave the manor or the school to answer his summons that one time…You might not come back…" The teen said.

"Cub…" Remus said softly, the realization setting in that this was Harry's fear. It wasn't defiance. It was him being afraid.

"I've lost my birth parents to Voldemort. I lost Sirius to Voldemort. I know it was Bellatrix, but she was there on Voldemort's orders and she was going to kill me if Sirius hadn't pushed me out of the way. Every time you step out the door when he calls; it hurts because I have to worry if I'll ever see you again. Knowing you willingly go to him; it hurts. And it's the same pain I feel now knowing Sirius is gone." Harry admitted.

"You remember when I told you that my depression is so clear that it feels like I'm standing in a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up. That's how I feel right now, where I'm literally begging you to remember you have a son who loves you. You have someone waiting here at home. It's not just you anymore, Dad. I know you knew the risk before me, and you didn't care when it was just you. How about now? Or am I not enough for you to stop risking your life?" He asked.

Severus's anger was gone now. All he could see was his son's desperation to make him see how much he loved his father. "Harry…"

"I can take a lot. Okay? And I have. All my life. I dealt with being beaten and starved for eight years. I had my life on the line to save the school from Voldemort at eleven, at twelve, at fourteen, and just a couple weeks ago. Only fifteen. I watched Cedric die at fourteen and couldn't do anything to stop it. I watched Sirius get himself killed to keep me safe…" Harry began.

"My parents died to protect me. And I have the added burden of being the savior who is supposed to rid the world as we know it of Voldemort. And I take all of that. I took it all…" Harry paused. "I've never asked for anything in my life. Never. This is something I'm asking for…I'm asking you. I'm begging you…To stop going to Voldemort. To let me do for you what I did for Narcissa and Lucius…"

Harry paused for a moment, trying to keep himself from breaking down. Severus could see it though. Harry was shaking and those tears in his eyes were threatening to fall. "Because I can't lose you too. It's not a don't want to. It's a I can't." He looked at Severus. "I can't lose you, Dad. I can't lose another father. I'm barely making it through losing Sirius…You're the one making it bearable. Yes, it hurts like hell. It hurts like nothing I've felt before. But you've been telling me all year since you became my guardian that you were here for me, that you always would be."

"You promised, Dad. You said you'd always be here. Always. Remember. Always. If I lose you, I'm losing what's left of my sanity. I can't…Losing you or anyone else…I can't take it." Harry backed away from the room. "I can't make you do anything…You said you have no choice. But you do and so do I. I told you before I couldn't stop everything else that happened in my life. This I can. This is something I can speak on, something I can stop. Even if it means bearing the mark myself and risk my life as you keep doing. You claimed to not want to lose me. Why can't I do the same?" Harry asked.

"You're right, Voldemort's mad as ever. I feel it through the mark…I'd go as far to say he decided to summon everyone back to keep torturing them for information for where Lucius and Narcissa are." Harry told him. "But you know something about what I feel through the mark? I feel that it's nothing compared to the love I have for you as my father. Nothing to the feeling of knowing when you feel this, you rush off to get tortured. The pain I feel knowing I could lose you. Knowing the pain I'd feel if I did. This mark is nothing compared to that."

"I love you enough to be able to ignore it. I love you enough to bear it, just so you don't have to. So I know you're safe. I can do this the rest of my life if it means you'll be part of it, Dad. This is how far I'm willing to go to have you in my life." Harry showed Severus the mark, seeing it move around. "This is my love for you. This is my choice…I choose you. I have chosen my dad. You said you had no choice? Now, you have one. Me or this mark. What's more important to you? Being a spy…Or being my father? I'll be upstairs when you decide, serving my punishment for defying you…"

Harry finally let those tears slip before he walked out of the room and presumably, went to his own upstairs. Such was confirmed when there were footsteps above and then a door above shutting tightly. After a moment, all eyes seemed to shift down to Severus, who stood there looking shocked and guilty. Never in his entire life had he been yelled at like that, and sadly...Getting scolded like that by his own son felt worse than anything Voldemort had ever done to him. Is that what Harry had meant by the pain he felt of Severus still spying was worse than the pain Harry could feel through the mark?

"Well, as you have some decisions to make, Severus…I'm going to go see if I can't comfort my nephew." Remus turned to leave.

"Remus, don't." Molly interjected. "It's very clear to all of us that Harry is hurting, from losing Sirius and this…But he did not request anyone's presence but Severus's, so we will all respect his wishes."

"It is as Severus said before, Remus…This is between him and Harry, let them work it out." Arthur added.

"I feel like Harry would respond better to Remus than myself right now," Severus sighed.

"Severus, don't beat yourself up." Narcissa told him. "Relationships are messy, every kind of them out there. Friendships, couples, even parental/offspring. It happens. You and Harry have always butt heads over something and while the arrangement starting from last August has made things smoother for the two of you…It was inevitable that eventually, you two would disagree about something."

"He gave me an ultimatum." Severus argued calmly.

"A fair one." Remus remarked.

"I don't need it from you right now, Lupin." Severus said.

"That's too damn bad, Severus. Harry had the right to give you the choice he did. It was more than fair of him to ask given the circumstances that just lost someone who he saw as a father-figure. An uncle, at best. He lost someone who meant a lot to him, someone he didn't get a lot of time with." Remus reminded.

"Sirius risked his life at a moment's notice to protect Harry one time, and lost his life in the process. All these years, Sirius has wanted to be in Harry's life to protect him. And he was kept from that by Azkaban for twelve, and in hiding the other two. He wanted to do his god-fatherly duty to Harry, as James and Lily hoped he would when they chose Sirius as Harry godfather." The wolf continued.

"All these years, it's been you protecting Harry. And Sirius never felt it was a contest, and yes, you were there too…But Sirius is the one who put himself between the killing curse and Harry. A choice made without ever thinking about the fact it would be the last time he saw Harry. Without thinking how much it would hurt Harry. Sirius just wanted him safe, and paid with his own life to see that through because he loved Harry."

"Make your point," Severus stated.

"I just gave you the point. Sirius didn't have a choice, it was move Harry or Harry dies. There was no debating it. I would have done the same. But you, Severus…You've had a choice. Harry was right, before you took him in…Spying was your choice. To protect him. You didn't have a way out with that mark on you. But Harry, Severus, Harry has the power to get rid of it, sever your connection to the dark lord. Allow you to be free and live safely with Harry, as your son." Remus informed.

"But you continue to throw yourself back into the fire. We don't need a spy anymore Severus, and that was never us. It was Albus and we all know all the things he did to get his way. Albus is gone, Severus. He can't control you anymore, no more than he can control Harry." Remus enlightened. "You're both free, and you made a choice to adopt Harry as your son. You said you made your choice when you made the potion, when you realized you didn't want to lose him. So why are you risking your life with Voldemort and risking Harry losing you?"

"He's risking his life with that mark on him…" Severus sighed.

"No more or less than you, Severus. And that's all he's trying to make you understand." Remus folded his arms. "If you're not going to care about your life, risk Harry losing you…Why shouldn't he risk his own where you could lose him. It's a double standard, Severus. It's hypocrisy. Harry had every right to give you the choice he did, Severus. What means more to you, spying or Harry."

"Dumbledore made you spy, my friend. In exchange to keep the Potter's hidden. He manipulated you to go back to Voldemort and risk yourself. That was before August this year when you found yourself not protecting Harry from the background anymore. When you moved into a very active role in his life as his guardian. And over time, by your own admission, started to see Harry as your son and he saw you as a father." Remus relaxed on the frame.

"This was a choice you both made to be in each other's lives, can you really blame Harry for getting upset with you because of your decision to stay as a spy? Wondering every time you're called if he's going to find out your cover was blown and that Voldemort killed you." The man countered.

A pause. "That he'd lose another father? You saw the breakdown he had when Sirius died, Severus. That was just his godfather…" Remus let that sit a moment. "You saw the pain, we all felt it. That was raw emotion and he didn't even power up. That was pain. That was heartbreak. He went after Bellatrix, regardless of his own life, in revenge. That blast, Severus, I don't know if you realized it…" He paused.

"But what he wordlessly cast at Bellatrix was the cruciatus curse. Harry doesn't know that you have to want to torture someone for it to work, but he knew he wanted to hurt her. Stop her. And when Voldemort was whispering to him, for a moment. Just for a moment…Harry considered using the killing curse." Remus explained.

"He didn't because Voldemort showed up and he wants him gone more. This is what he's suffering. Severus, he's strong…But everyone has a limit to what they can handle. And Harry made his very clear to you and everyone else. He can't handle losing anyone else, especially you. Severus, he's already been on the brink before. He's thought about killing himself twice. Don't be a fool. Spying isn't worth losing Harry." The werewolf remarked.

"Harry's not going anywhere if I continue spying." Severus scoffed.

"Oh, you think so? Because I see him using that mark to draw Voldemort out of hiding for another fight. I see him risking his life in a fight he's not ready for to fulfill that prophecy so you don't have to spy anymore. You heard him, Severus…He's willing to bear that mark and take whatever comes through it to protect you. And you won't go to the dark lord to ask for another; it's suicide." Remus stated.

"Harry's got you cornered, my friend. He's showing his Slytherin side while holding that Gryffindor bravery and courage." Remus chuckled. "Harry's edge is that he's a parselmouth. You really can't get that mark back from him until he does it. I ask again…Is spying worth your son? Are you willing to make him suffer the pain he admitted to feeling with you being a spy?"

The damn wolf was right. Harry was right. "He hates me, doesn't he? We're right back to where we were…"

"Uncle Sev, no you're not. Harry's doing this because he loves you…" Draco reminded.

"I'm terrible at this parenting thing…" Severus mumbled.

"No you're not, Severus. It's perfectly normal." Narcissa smiled.

"Parents fight with their kids all the time, and in very rare cases…The children are right. Harry made a very good argument, solid grounds and points." Lucius informed. "I do believe it should have been kept between them, but-,"

"But Harry blowing up the way he did was a clear sign of just how much he's keeping inside. This was fear, Severus. It's grieving for Sirius, and worrying for you. He's holding back all this pain, but all those walls fell for you." Narcissa mentioned.

"Harry's never really shown us his pain," Hermione said gently. "He's always kept a smile, found a laugh…But we've always known it was a mask to hide how he felt. He thinks we can't see it, but we all did. We just went along with it because we knew it's what he wanted."

"This was him finally lowering those walls. He did it for you, Professor," Ron added. "Somehow, someway…You got him to lower his walls, something he doesn't even do with us."

"Or us," Blaise motioned to himself and the other Slytherin friends.

"Or me," Draco nodded.

"Go tell Harry you're giving up spying." Lucius said.

"I never said I'd made my choice." Severus remarked.

"You made your choice already. You're going to give up spying for your son." Molly informed.

"Way to make my choice for me. No one said that." Severus stated.

"No one had to. It's a given." Remus rolled his eyes.

"You're a father, you knew your choice the moment the question was asked. It was in your sigh, in the guilt you feel. When you thought Harry hated you. You have realized what all adults do when they become parents. There is nothing in this world or this life more important than their child, or children. The dark lord himself is not stronger than a parent's love for their child." Arthur enlightened. "That was proven when the dark lord's spell rebounded because of Lily's sacrifice to protect Harry."

"Go talk to him. We'll be right here and when you return with him, then we can all enjoy dinner together." Remus urged.

Severus strode for the doorway. "I'd start with an apology!" Narcissa suggested. "Admit you were wrong, apologize, and tell him you'll stop spying because nothing means more to you than him. He'll give you back the mark and alter its magical connections to the dark lord like he did for Lucius. Comfort as needed." Severus exited the room to get upstairs and talk to Harry.

. . .

Harry knew he took his own risk in doing what he did, but he was a mess with Sirius gone and how else was he supposed to get his father to see that spying wasn't worth it anymore. Harry and Severus had a pretty good and healthy relationship and Harry was never disrespectful to the man. Never even before they were father and son. This was a time Harry felt he needed to play an ultimatum card; he needed to keep that mark on his arm and show his hand as a Slytherin to remind Severus that without Harry to put it back, Severus had no way to make him.

Harry was willing to take grounding until he was of age to protect his dad. It might be defiance, but it was also an act of love. When Harry got upstairs, he ended up sitting on his bed and crying because the pain was overwhelming. Of losing Sirius, of his worry to lose his father. Harry buried his face in his hands and sobbed like he had when getting back to Hogwarts after Sirius's death. Eventually Harry shifted to lay down, the tears still falling.