AN/ I'm so sorry for my long delay, I got busy with a job application, and writing some other things around parenthood (I have two daughters who mean everything to me), so I had to put this fanfic on the back burner, but I'm hoping to update more regularly than once a week. Thank you again to all who reviewed and favorites and followed. You are all my motivation to get this fanfic done!
Hinata slowly pierced a cucumber with her fork, her appetite non existent, her attempt at eating all a performative excuse for being polite to her Aunt, who was treating her to lunch.
"I can tell when your mind is preoccupied Hinata, if you don't feel like eating don't feel obligated to eat on my account."
Hinata blushed and put her fork down on her plate before folding her hands in her lap. It had been a very awkward affair when her aunt had entered the meeting room, she had taken a brief astonished look at Naruto, and then at Hinata before calmly telling Hinata that she wanted to take her out to lunch and had arrived early to inform her.
Hinata acquiesced but before she could say anything else the rest of the team had arrived to take their seats for the meeting, leaving Hinata to utter a few short, very difficult to deliver words to her Aunt on meeting arrangements, before her Aunt swept out of the room authoritatively. Naruto had taken his own seat and besides being quieter than usual during the meeting, betrayed no estimation of his feelings. Hinata on the contrary was too unsettled by the series of events to pay any attention to the meeting and the hour had passed in an agonized blur.
Her eyes moved from her folded hands to her Aunt who was finishing off her ravioli, a slight crease formed between Hinata's eyebrows. She had expected her Aunt to mention Naruto, but she hadn't mentioned his name once, or even alluded to him. She knew Aunt Kurenai was surprised to see Naruto at her workplace and expected some questions but none came. Though not knowing why her aunt was avoiding the subject, what Hinata did know was that she felt disappointed. Here was the man she had rejected on account of her Aunt's advice, present in the same workplace as her, well established as he had promised, and she had nothing to say about it.
Hinata picked up her tea and sipped a little, perhaps her Aunt was struggling to conclude her own opinion on the matter, or maybe it didn't matter to her at all. Hinata knew her Aunt had too good an intellect and memory to have forgotten him despite his name never having come between them for at least five years now. Her Aunt set aside her finished plate as she ordered a dessert, Hinata shook her head in answer to a request for a sweet dish and continued sipping her tea, not missing her Aunt's shrewd look. No, Hinata thought, her Aunt definitely did not forget, perhaps her silence then was a result of struggling with the evidence that she had been entirely wrong in her estimation of Naruto. Hinata, and all who knew her Aunt, could not deny her intellect and capability, and so to be so erred was most likely a new and uncharted territory for her, that she did not know how to navigate it in any other fashion but avoidance.
"Are you okay Hinata?" Asked Aunt Kurenai suddenly, making Hinata look up from her lap and realize her Aunt was staring at her with slight concern. She replied in the negative. "Are you sure you're okay? You only ever don't eat dessert when you're not feeling yourself." Hinata gave another negative but she knew it could not distract her listener from her shrewd perception. Aunt Kurenai gave a sigh and placed her napkin on the table, "you need to move on Hinata."
Like a startled rabbit caught in headlights Hinata's head spasmed towards her Aunt, how could she have known? "What- what do you mean?
Aunt Kurenai raised her eyebrows, "You need to move on Hinata" she repeated, not buying her listener's false ignorance. Hinata blushed, and it was all the information her Aunt needed, but through her embarrassment, Hinata noted Aunt Kurenai denying the utterance of his name, it seemed vitally important to Hinata but she didn't understand why yet, could she be feeling guilty? "Penny for your thoughts?"
Hinata shook herself slightly, "I-I…" she choked, feeling overwhelmed. "I want to respect my feelings."
A few moments of silence passed between them, a form of sincerity among all that was unsaid. "Your father's company gala is coming up soon, it would be good to have a date. Your family would be happy, and it would make me so happy to see you… coming out of your shell." Hinata frowned ever so slightly and stopped herself from scoffing.
The Huuga Corporations Gala was, as far as she was concerned, an annual glittery plastic affair to show off wealth, revel in status and network in all that was shallow and unloyal. She had attended the past three times, at each she arrived unaccompanied, and after each she received a long lecture from her father about the importance of appearances and their impact on the thoughts and opinions of the influential. As far as he was concerned, her being single was the best way to express how unwanted she was, and by association, how unwanted her family was. It was skewed logic but Hinata learnt long ago that not responding cut down the duration of the lecture and allowed her faster access to freedom.
"You know I don't like those functions Aunt Kurenai."
"Yes, but I'm getting worried about you." Her eyes full of kind concern, "I want to see you happy, you deserve it more than many people I know." Hinata knew this was an insinuation towards her family, who didn't hide their unflattering opinion of Hinata. Hinata, not knowing what to say and still feeling overwhelmed by the events of the day, took several minutes of reflection before responding. Her Aunt, understanding Hinata's need to think, remained quiet and patiently waited for her response. It was times like these where Hinata felt exceedingly grateful to have a figure in her life who understood her and allowed her to be herself. As Hinata was formulating her answer, the irony that her Aunt knew her well enough to give her time, but not well enough to understand her aversion to dating grew apparent. Some aspects of life, she concluded, were so ingrained in upbringing and culture that difference and change seemed dangerous.
"I won't pretend that I am the happiest person, or as happy as I have previously been, but that doesn't mean I'm unhappy in my current state. At present I am content as I am."
It was difficult to decipher her Aunt's expression, it was a cross between worry and incredulity, "you're content to be single? Hinata, let me tell you, as a widowed woman it is very difficult being content as a single woman."
"Then you understand Aunt Kurenai that being single is preferable to acting against your feelings."
"Our situations are very different Hinata," Aunt Kurenai looked on the verge of anger, she took a stabilizing breath and continued "It isn't fair to make comparisons, I am older, with a child, and Asuma…" her voice cracked in pain, "the situations are too different. You are still young with life at your feet. If you carry on this way you'll box yourself away from any chance at happiness. I don't want that for you. Your mother entrusted me to care for you, this isn't what she'd want for you. She wouldn't want to see you alone."
Hinata, deeply affected by her aunt's veiled affection, smiled at her, "thank you Aunt Kurenai, your affection means so much to me when we both know I don't get much from the people who should. But being alone does not mean I am lonely, and being in a relationship doesn't mean that I couldn't be lonely. Being with someone I have no feelings for would be the worst sort of loneliness. I would rather be free, until I feel ready to pursue a relationship again."
"Hinata, it's been ten years. How long will this go on for? By not dating others you're not allowing yourself to judge the potential of other men, you're deliberately guarding your heart and obstructing it from taking the risks that you need to heal."
But Hinata never saw her love as a wound, when it had formed, it simply took place in her spirit as though it had always been there. She sighed, averting her eyes and staring out the window, not seeing anything. Maybe she just always had a large capacity to love that was never given an opportunity to exercise, so when someone came along who showed her love she gave him all of hers. Her Aunt's words unsettled her because she did not know how to confidently rebut her, but maybe Hinata needed to accept she was the one with a lesson to learn here. Perhaps she had deliberately stopped herself from growing out of her love for Naruto, perhaps she could learn to grow feelings for someone else. So unsettling a train of thought was it, that she could feel the sharp prick of tears behind the corners of her eyes. Blinking with all her strength, she refused to let the tears fall. Her Aunt, as usual, missed nothing.
"Just have a think about finding a date for the Gala, just imagine it. If you are content being single then that's great, but there is so much joy and beauty in a loving companionship that I know would make you not just content, but happy too."
Hinata again, took several moments to think before answering, "I knew once, what that joy and beauty felt like. That exhilarating feeling of being treasured and accepted, I knew what it was to feel both happy and content. And I've since learnt that not everyone gets both, sometimes we need to be happy with just being content, because the pursuit of happiness can make us very depressed." She sighed again, but calmer, "my best guide is my instinct, I'll listen to her until she tells me otherwise"
"Your instinct is female is it?" Asked her Aunt somewhat cynically, but also amused.
"All my best guides are." Her Aunt smiled at her. When they finished lunch, they shared an affectionate embrace, both knowing the other thought differently, but both loving each other all the same.
Hinata didn't encounter Naruto again since the Plant Incident, which she was grateful for as she didn't want another turbulent event to throw her mind into a precipice of reflection. They remained professional whenever the need to communicate occurred, which was incredibly rare. She only heard of him from whatever was said between Sakura and Ino. It seemed he continued a flirtatious attitude towards them but was seeming to favor Sakura.
Hinata's speculation became fact when Ino's boyfriend returned from his six month secondment at a distant city. Sai had been excited but cautious when returning to Konoha, his character was generally averse to big displays of emotion. He had also noticed the communication with his girlfriend had decreased, especially over the past several months. He had put it down to her being busy and their long separation. Sai was therefore anxious to return and rekindle their relationship with more than sparse texts and emails, but what he hadn't been prepared for, was to see his girlfriend attend all her time to another man. It didn't take much to see that the attentions Ino afforded Uzumaki Naruto were more than platonic, and certainly not professional.
At first, Ino was happy to see Sai, but she had been so used to the pleasure of being in the company of a very attractive man, that she didn't see anything wrong in her actions. Their interactions had always held a suggestive note that made Ino ready to contemplate upgrading. Sai saw enough to feel both offended and betrayed, consequently he withdrew his presence from Ino, and continued in his work without saying a word to anyone about the matter. Hinata could not help feeling that he had acted wisely, and even with respect to Ino by not bringing their colleagues to understand much of the intimacy of their difficulties.
Ino understood his withdrawal and felt ashamed. His withdrawal had made her come to realize precisely what she had had, and how much she had undervalued it. Ino's regret replaced her shame, and she acted upon it instantly by communicating with Uzumaki Naruto only when needed, she remained friendly but only to the point that she treated all her male friends with. Naruto, not having known about Sai, took little notice of Ino's withdrawal, and instead seemed happily settled with Sakura's reinvigorated attentions now that her competition had died. The whole office had talked of it incessantly, and they waited excitedly to hear when the two would officially turn into a couple.
Hinata felt proud of herself for feeling only a baseline level of discomfort at the proceedings. She supposed she was indeed growing more tolerant to Naruto's indifference to her, and when in the quiet of her room, Hinata began to think that maybe she was on the start of a journey to grow out of her love. Maybe the pain of seeing Naruto with someone else was what she needed. No sooner had the thought come into her head than she knew she was stupid for thinking it at all. Her love for Natuto was built upon esteem, gratitude and respect, she knew she would only ever feel that way for someone else if they made her feel the same values, or more, and that hadn't happened in ten years. But her Aunt's words infiltrated her head… perhaps she had deliberately stopped that from happening? But Hinata shook her head in disagreement, she had met other men, it was impossible not to with her Father trying to marry her off for political gain, the fact remained that she hadn't met anyone that compared to Naruto-kun.
As the weeks went by, talk of the Onsen trip grew among the staff at the office. Everyone was excitedly making plans, she had been tempted but when she heard Naruto would be joining she felt a strong impulse to stay at home. After some encouraging words from Kiba, and feeling generally stronger in her tolerance, Hinata agreed to go. Her conversation with her Aunt made Hinata realize that despite having work and friends, she didn't have much else. So she enquired for other activities to occupy her time, she picked up a book about Croche from the library and joined a volunteer program. It had made her a little nervous stepping out of her comfort zone, but doing things that were novel and different made Hinata feel much happier in herself, and she was wholeheartedly appreciative to have something other than Naruto to think about.
A trip to the onsen, being among friends, and seeing new places would most likely raise her spirits from the toll they had been under the past several months. She smiled to herself, maybe she would enjoy this trip regardless of Naruto's presence after all.
Maybe.