Chapter 1: The Black God Rising

Author's note: Well…here we are. You voted for it, and now I'm doing it. The seventh, and (maybe) final instalment of Harry Potter Abridged. We'll talk about if I do any other parts of the franchise after this one. For now though, you know the drill at this point. And if you don't…why the hell are you reading this one? Go back and start at Philosopher's Stone. Or don't, I can't really make you do anything. Anyway, let's begin, shall we?

EDIT: Okay, I've just reuploaded this because for some reason the link to the story wasn't working. Hopefully this fixes it.

*outside Malfoy Manor*

Snape: *apparating in* Malfoy Manor, eh?

Yaxley: *apparating in* Oh, like you haven't been here before.

Snape: *walking into the house* It never ceases to amaze me how the Malfoys live like this.

Yaxley: *following him* Hey, when you're rich as them, you'd live like this too.

Snape: *entering the main hall* I suppose, but that doesn't make it any less gaudy.

Yaxley: They're rich, they don't give a shit what the poor think of them.

Lucius: Damn right I don't.

Voldemort: Quiet, you failure.

Lucius: My Lord, if I may…

Voldemort: You may not. Your son couldn't even kill one measly old man, and that makes you a failure. Not to mention you yourself couldn't even defeat a bunch of schoolchildren, and then let the Order get the best of you.

Snape: Don't be too hard on him, My Lord. Very few characters could have gotten through plot armour that thick.

Voldemort: I suppose you're right, Severus. Here, go ahead and take your spot here on my right-hand side.

Lucius: But, sir, I'm sitting on your right-hand side.

Voldemort: Did I fucking stutter? Go sit on the floor for all I care.

Lucius: I…uh… *sighs in resignation and sits on the floor as Snape takes his spot*

Bellatrix: Seriously Lucius, you should be honoured to have the Dark Lord in your house.

Lucius: Shut up, Bellatrix. You really need to hit the gym, you've been packing it on a little lately.

Bellatrix: Oh, you know damn well what this is. You know how happy the Dark Lord was after Snape killed Dumbledore that night, so me and him…

Voldemort: That's enough, Bellatrix.

Snape: …wait, what does she mean by…

Voldemort: That's a matter for later. In the meantime, Severus, what news do you have for me?

Snape: My source has told me that the Order intends to move Harry Potter from his home four days before his seventeenth birthday.

Voldemort: Is that so?

Yaxley: HA! Wrong. The Ministry's going to have a team of Aurors transport him the night before his birthday.

Voldemort: Well then, I guess we'll keep an eye on his residence both nights and…

Snape: I assure you my Lord, it will happen on the 27th.

Voldemort: Okay, that's fine, but just in case your source is wrong…

Yaxley: My source is the Auror Dawlish, who I have under an Imperius curse so we can get closer to the Minister of Magic. I think he would know better than your mysterious source, who, by the way, we don't even know…

Voldemort: It's fine, we have enough people that we can monitor both nights, and if for any reason Severus's source is wrong, we can…

Snape: My source has so far eliminated numerous threats from the Order. Are you sure you wish to question them further?

Voldemort: Gentlemen, I think we're getting a little…

Yaxley: Oh, you think you're such a hotshot ever since you killed Dumbledore? Well, let me tell you something…

Voldemort: Uh gentlemen?

Bellatrix: Aww, can't we let them fight?

Voldemort: As amusing as that might be, we have other matters to attend to *flicks his wand, causing something to land heavily on the table, shutting Snape and Yaxley up*

Bellatrix: Aww, no fun.

Voldemort: Oh, don't worry, you'll get to have your fun eventually. For now though… *uncovers the bundle that landed on the table, revealing a person* Severus, I believe you may know this woman? Maybe you too Draco?

Draco: N-No sir, I don't.

Voldemort: Interesting, though I guess you wouldn't have taken her classes. Severus, why don't you introduce us?

Severus: Yes, My Lord. This is Charity Burbage, Muggle Studies professor at Hogwarts.

Bellatrix: BOO!

Charity: Oh, boo yourself bitch *spits on Bellatrix*

Bellatrix: Oh, you are so fucking dead *gets up from her chair, reaching for her wand*

Charity: I know. Voldemort's *explosive thundercrack* sitting right there. And no, I'm not afraid to say the name anymore, because I already know I'm screwed.

Voldemort: Bellatrix, please do not kill our guest.

Bellatrix: Aww, can't I lightly torture her?

Charity: You're already doing that by talking.

Bellatrix: That's it. CRUCIO! *Bellatrix hits Charity with the curse*

Charity: HARDER MUMMY!

Bellatrix: DO YOU MIND?! I am trying to torture you.

Charity: And I'm going to make sure you don't enjoy a moment of it.

Bellatrix: Fuck you *turns to Voldemort* PLEASE can I kill her?

Voldemort: Unfortunately, my dear, I have something else in mind for her.

Charity: What, you and your followers are going to rape me first? Because let me tell you, I do NOT like needles.

Voldemort: *taking a deep breath before talking to himself* She's just trying to get a reaction out of you, don't fall for it *to everyone* So, I've been talking with a certain someone about why I have been failing to kill Harry Potter. On the surface, it doesn't seem like it should be that complicated of a task…

Charity: Weird way of saying you can't kill an actual baby.

Voldemort: *trying to ignore her* But, it turns out, because of our wand's shared ancestry, it will be impossible for me to kill him. At least, with my wand.

Charity: Oh, so Harry wins then. Good to know.

Voldemort: *still trying to ignore her* So, who here would like to lend me their wand? *stunned silence all around* Really? None of you want to have the wand that kills Harry Potter?

Bellatrix: Don't wands normally choose the user, not the other way around?

Voldemort: Normally, yes, but a certain someone in the basement told me that just using another's wand should be more than enough.

Charity: You know what? Do that. See how that turns out for you.

Voldemort: Oh, you're about to find out. Somebody bring me her wand.

Pettigrew: I, uh, might have already fed it to a paper shredder.

Voldemort: *sighing* I shouldn't be surprised at your incompetence at this point, and yet somehow you keep managing to disappoint me Wormtail.

Charity: Why do you even keep someone like that around?

Voldemort: He can be useful as a punching bag when me or one of my followers needs to let out some aggression.

Charity: Yeah, but I mean, he's not going to be able to help you kill Harry Potter.

Pettigrew: You don't know that.

Charity: Actually… *mutters something under her breath, before blowing something at Pettigrew's artificial hand* …I do.

Pettigrew: What did you…

Voldemort: Enough of this nonsense. Lucius, give me your wand.

Lucius: My…what, sir?

Voldemort: Your wand. Now. Prove to me your family isn't worthless.

Lucius: I… *sighs* …yes sir *hands Voldemort his wand*

Voldemort: Any last words?

Charity: Really Voldetwat? I've been roasting you and your Dick Eaters this whole time, and you actually want to give me the honour of some last words?

Voldemort: …should have seen that coming. AVADA KEDAVRA! *a green flash fills the room, before Charity hits the table, dead* Nagini, dinner is served.

Nagini: *in parseltongue* I'm getting real sick of muggle sympathiser for dinner *starts eating anyway*

Author's note: "To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure." – Albus Dumbledore. Rest in Peace Michael Gambon.