There were, he knew, certain moments in life so far outside the scope of a man's expectations that they took on a quality of unreality. The quiet after the car bomb, waiting for the medics to arrive while Kathy's breath wheezed unsteadily through her burnt lips and her eyes refused to open, that was one; nothing about that night seemed real. His memories were hazy, full of the glare of lights - the first responders, the ambulances, the unis, the pole lights, the hospital fluorescents - bright, so bright he could not see them, not really. Here, now, sitting on the gate of an ambulance with his eyes trained on the rubble that had once been a building and had since become Olivia's tomb, was one of those moments.
He could see and hear, could feel the touch of the medic's fingertips at his wrist, checking his pulse. He could taste the iron of blood in his mouth, he could smell the dust in the air. That smell; he knew that smell. Every cop his age knew that smell. The building that had fallen today was nowhere near the size of the towers and it would not claim even a fraction so many victims, but the pile of shattered concrete and the groaning of twisted steel and the fucking dust, that was familiar. The man Liv loved, once, the one who'd died, Ed; Elliot thought about him now, staring at the ruins, willing the rescuers to appear with Olivia in their arms. Elliot didn't know who Ed was, what he looked like, how he'd met Liv, but he felt a certain kinship with the man. They'd loved the same woman, and that made them brothers, didn't it? Ed had worked cleanup, after the towers fell, Olivia had said so. Ed had been brave, like Liv was brave, and he had tried to help people, the way Liv tried to help people, and Ed was dead now, and Liv…Jesus.
All his senses were working, but he felt disconnected from himself, somehow, felt as if he were watching the whole scene unfold from a distance. Some things were too big, too alarming, too wrong for a man's brain to process, and Elliot knew that well. Buildings were meant to stand, to remain whole; it was hubris, maybe, but he'd spent his life moving in an out of apartment blocks and stationhouses and skyscrapers and they weren't supposed to fall. His only frame of reference for the sight in front of him was a nightmare, and that was right, because this was a nightmare. Sitting there, waiting to see whether Olivia would live or die, waiting for God or the firemen or whoever to determine her fate and the course of his future, was a nightmare.
"Stabler!" a voice cracked through the air like a whip, and Elliot jerked like a man yanked suddenly and inexplicably from slumber, blinking hard and looking around. There were bodies moving everywhere, voices calling, lights flashing, everything around him chaos, but he saw a familiar face winding through the crowd, heading straight for him.
"Fin!" he yelled back, trying to rise though the medic pushed him right back down again, frowning.
"Shit, man," Fin said as he came jogging up. He didn't stop; he went right up to Elliot, reached out and clasped his shoulder, hard, his fingers digging into muscle and bone like he was trying to prove to himself that Elliot was real. There's a lot of that going around, Elliot thought.
"She's still in there," Elliot said. He knew why Fin had come, and he knew what question Fin meant to ask, and he didn't see any point in beating around the bush. "It's bad, man."
"How bad?" Fin asked hoarsely.
They'd always gotten along well, Fin and Liv. Elliot and Fin, not so much; they'd argued, cursed one another. Squadmates, always, brothers after a fashion, but still, they'd wrangled. Not Fin and Liv. Liv was the first of the team to meet Fin's son - to even learn he had a son - and Fin had kept her secrets after Sealview. And when Elliot left, Fin remained, a friend to the end. It was a little strange, now, seeing the two of them together, knowing that Fin was probably the best friend Olivia had. Fifteen years before Elliot never would have guessed that such a thing was possible. But Fin had done what Elliot could not; Fin had stayed, and he loved Olivia, too, Elliot knew, not the way Elliot loved her but a love just the same.
"She's pinned," Elliot said. "Crushed, maybe, I don't know. They made me leave, said they needed room to work. No one's telling me anything," he shot the medic a dark look, "I got no idea what's happening down there."
"I don't know," the medic protested, but Elliot and Fin weren't really listening.
"But she was breathing when you came out?" Fin asked sharply.
Elliot nodded, and immediately wished he hadn't; the motion set his head to throbbing.
"Breathing, talking," he confirmed. "It's her legs, mostly, I think. Maybe her hips. Hard to say."
Her legs, her hips. Her long, supple legs, her smooth, enticing hips; two of Elliot's favorite parts of her, broken now. Christ, what if she lost a leg? Or both? What if she never walked again? She'd never be able to go back to work, and what would Olivia be if she couldn't be a cop? Who would she be without the work that had defined her life? How was she supposed to look after her boy if she couldn't walk?
Shit. Her boy.
"You know where Noah is right now?" Elliot asked. This time of day, probably at home with his sitter or nanny or whatever, but Elliot didn't know the woman's name and he didn't know Noah's schedule and he didn't have his goddamn phone.
"It's Wednesday, he's got dance," Fin said. "He'll be with Maria. I can call her."
Of course Fin knew Noah's schedule. Of course he had the nanny's number. He was probably Olivia's goddamn emergency contact, too. It wasn't like she had any family to put down on the list. All she had was Rollins - who'd all but ghosted her, same as Elliot - and Fin.
And whose fault is that? Elliot's conscience reminded him viciously.
"Maybe wait," Elliot said. "We can't tell 'em anything right now. We don't know what's happening down there or what hospital they'll take her to-"
"We're going to Mercy," the medic supplied helpfully. "Eventually."
"And we don't know when she'll get there," Elliot continued. "Let Noah dance, let him have a little bit of normalcy."
God knows he won't have any the next few days, Elliot thought, but did not say. He didn't need to say it. Fin had heard him, Fin understood how dire their situation was. Either Liv was gonna die or she was gonna be in the hospital for at least a little while, and either way Noah's whole world was about to turn upside down.
"I'll wait to call the nanny," Fin said. "But I need to call Rollins and Carisi. They're bound to hear about this soon and I want them to hear it from me. You need to call your kids?"
"Later," Elliot told him. "I'm fine, I don't wanna worry 'em."
The kids had already lost their mom; they worried about everything, these days.
Fin nodded; he understood that, too. But he was right to call Rollins, and he did so then, walking away a few steps and speaking in a voice too low for Elliot to hear. Elliot didn't mind; he'd had enough of talking, and he wanted to remain vigilant, on the lookout for Liv. He'd promised her that he'd be there when she came out, and he meant to be.
After a few minutes Fin finished his calls, and then he came to stand beside Elliot, and there he stood, in silence, while the sun sank slowly below the horizon, while the chaos and noise around them calmed. What all those people had been doing Elliot didn't know, and he didn't really care; his heart was resting beneath the building, in the hands of the rescuers down there in the dark. How long they stayed there, Elliot sitting in the ambulance and Fin standing beside the open doors, he could not say, but as darkness fell there came a suddenly flurry of activity near the makeshift entrance to the ruins, and Elliot rose unsteadily to his feet, peering out into the darkness.
A passing fireman's radio crackled as he walked by; coming out, Elliot heard a voice say.
"Elliot," Fin said warningly, but Elliot never heard him.
Coming out.
Elliot rose to his feet, and ran, bulled his way through the milling crowd, startled voices calling out from behind him, all around him, until he reached the edge of the rubble. He didn't dare climb back up it; the pile of rocks and bent beams was too precarious, and there was still the risk of the whole thing coming down before the rescue team got Liv out. Instead he came to a stop right in front of it, just as a fireman came rushing over, grabbing him by the arm.
"Sir, you gotta clear the area-"
"She's my partner!" Elliot snapped. "She's my fucking partner and I promsied her I'd be here when she got out. I'm not fucking moving."
"Leave him be," Fin's voice called out from somewhere behind them, and Elliot and the fireman both turned to face him, watched as he flashed his badge. "That's an NYPD Captain down there," Fin said grimly. "And we're not leaving her alone."
"Your Captain?" the fireman asked.
"My Captain," Fin confirmed.
My Captain, Elliot thought.
It happened slower than he thought it would; from the opening above him he heard the sound of voices, and watched frozen in terror as the team emerged, carrying a body - Liv's body - on a stretcher.
"Need a medic!" one of them bellowed.
"She's still alive," Fin said fiercely. There'd be no need for a medic if she was dead already.
The EMTs came rushing up with a gurney, and the second Liv was laid securely atop it Elliot darted forward, and grabbed for her hand, though the people around him began at once to push him away.
"Liv!" he called her name. "Liv! I'm here! Liv-"
"Sir, she's unconscious, and you're in the way," someone said, and Elliot whirled, ready to strike, but Fin caught him before he could start a brawl.
"You going to Mercy?" Fin called to the EMTs.
"Yes, sir!" one called back.
"Ok, Stabler," Fin said. "Come on, I'll take you to the hospital. We'll meet her there, man, we'll find out how she's doing."
With Fin's hand tight on his arm and people running everywhere there wasn't really anything else for Elliot to do. While the medics jogged with the gurney towards the nearest bus he could see one of them raising a bag of some kind; they'd gotten a line in, started an IV. They were talking to each other, relaying vital signs, saying words he couldn't understand. He couldn't see Liv, not really, just glimpses of her blood stained clothes, her limp hand dangling off the edge of the gurney. He watched them load her into the ambulance. Just like they'd done for Kathy.
"Let's go," Fin said, tugging gently on his arm. "Come on, man, let's go."
They went.