A/N: Hi everyone! Thank you all so so much for all your kind words last chapter :) I'm glad you all enjoyed it in all its angsty glory; I hope you like this one as well!
The remainder of the day was spent sitting quietly on the couch while watching TV together. It was relaxing in ways that had been lacking the days before.
Hailey had carefully maneuvered herself so she could have her head resting on Jay's chest, and it was everything she needed. Every once in a while, tears would fall down her cheeks, but then she'd focus on Jay breathing beneath her and his fingers carding through her hair, and she'd be able to settle any of the anxieties that would form in the pit of her stomach.
In response, she kept her own hands softly brushing along Jay's thighs at her sides. While she'd been setting up pillows and blankets on the couch, he'd gone and changed into sweatpants like she, and his doctor, had advised. Still, she didn't tease him or brag about being right, she just quietly asked if he was feeling better and if he needed her to wash the jeans he'd been wearing.
She could feel his own chest catch every once in a while with tears, but didn't say anything. They both needed this quiet time to reset and let the gravity of what they'd talked about sink in. All they could do was comfort each other and focus on what was to come.
That night, though, Jay surprised her in the bathroom. She'd been rubbing lotion into her legs when the door was slowly pushed open, and he stepped inside.
"Hey," she said softly to his reflection in the mirror, "Forget something?"
He shook his head and rubbed his hand over his still damp hair from his shower. "Just thinking about something," he replied.
Hailey raised an eyebrow and straightened up. "Okay?"
Jay walked over and grabbed her lotion. She watched as his eyebrows furrowed while he worked to squirt it into his right hand.
"What're you-"
"You've been taking care of me," he interrupted softly, "I wanted to help."
"Jay," she said, "You don't-"
"Let me," he breathed, meeting her eyes, "Please. I want to do this."
All she could do was nod and let him grab her left hand.
He held it within his own left hand against his chest, and then used his right to rub the lotion into her arm. His fingers gently pressed into her while circling her wrist and forearm. He worked quietly for a moment as he did to her what she'd been doing to him for a week now.
It brought a smile to her face.
"Thank you," she said as he let go of her.
He nodded and squirted more lotion on his hand so he could move onto her right arm. This time, though, he cleared his throat and whispered, "We're a team, right? You've been taking care of me, so I want to take care of you."
She smiled slightly and repeated, "Thank you."
Jay hummed and brushed his fingers over her elbow. Finally, he met her eyes and said quietly, "You can go back to work, though."
Hailey raised an eyebrow and said, "Jay-"
"I'm serious," he interrupted, "It's been long enough, I think. I'm not saying I don't appreciate you. That's not at all what this is. I love that you've been helping me and have been so willing to support me. I don't necessarily want it to stop, but I want to stop holding you back. You can go back. I'll be okay."
She tilted her head to the side and breathed, "Jay."
He gently squeezed her arm then stopped rubbing the lotion into her. Brushing his thumb over her pulse, he said, "We all talked about it the other day: Trudy and Voight will give any of you time off to take me to appointments or whatever. If we're moving forward now, I want to do just that and move forward. I think it'll help us heal."
She frowned and stepped forward to place her hand on his chest.
Healing was their word all along for the last two weeks. Everything was about physically and emotionally healing from what had happened to their marriage when he left and from his own injuries. She'd been so focused on him healing that she honestly hadn't been thinking of her own healing as much. She hadn't considered working being a part of that, but it made sense.
It'd give her the normalcy that she lacked here and was even craving earlier that day.
Her gut told her, though, that it'd also give her a pit of anxiety in her stomach about what Jay was doing and if he needed her. She didn't like the idea of her being at work and him possibly getting hurt or needing to get to the hospital. It almost felt like the nerves she'd told Kevin about weeks before about the distance between the two of them.
The difference, this time, was that Jay would be in Chicago if he were to get hurt or need her. She could easily and quickly get to him if something were to happen. It wasn't like when she needed to take a plane to get to him in Maryland.
Given their need to work on honesty, she bit her lip and whispered, "That scares me."
"I know," Jay said gently. He tried smiling as he let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her back. Lightly playing with the back of her hair, he said, "I am too, but we need it; I know we do. We can't live in that fear forever. I think once we get through a day or two without each other, we'll be able to move forward in a way we couldn't if you were still here. Plus, I don't know how healthy it is to spend every waking second of our lives together right now. It could give us something to talk about."
The irony of the situation that Hailey sorely recognized was that they used to spend every waking second of their lives together. Before Jay and his guilt surrounding Anna and Voight disappeared from her life, they'd spend the morning together and then work together and then spend the evening together before falling asleep in the same bed. Nothing had ever felt too much then.
But, they'd been able to separate at work if needed. Jay could go off with Dante or she could work with Kim, and sometimes they'd even get lunch without the other. They had tasks that they needed to do separately and together. It gave some variety.
Here, now, if they were both at home, they really didn't have a chance to be on their own ever. Everything they did was together.
It was probably what led to her burn-out earlier when she'd first thought about going to work on her own. They needed space. Most couples didn't work together, so this was their chance to be like that. They could spend their mornings together, go off and work separate jobs, then come home and share their days over dinner.
There was something very domestic and cozy about that idea. It sounded really nice.
She knew there were going to be days where she came home extra late at night while Jay did…something...during the day, and she was sure she'd feel guilty about it, but that small bit of anger that was still an ember within her stomach told her he maybe deserved it. He needed to know how it felt to have the love of your life go off and do things you had no idea about all while you sat at home waiting for them to come home.
Maybe that was too petty of her to think, but it brought some sort of comfort to her to know that Jay could soon experience for himself a glimpse of what she'd been going through before he left for Bolivia.
So she nodded and hugged him instead of replying right away with words. Holding him tightly in her arms, she breathed in slowly then whispered, "I love you."
"And I love you," he whispered back, "So much, Hailey. We'll get through this. I promise."
Weeks before, she'd hated when he made promises to her, and that fear of what a promise could mean and how it could be broken was still present, but she needed to trust that they really were healing and becoming better – Jay needed to be healing and becoming better. She wanted their relationship to be like it was before he'd left for Bolivia, and yet she recognized that it was going to look different.
She wanted it to look like it'd never changed all while knowing it definitely had. She needed to learn how to trust him again, and he needed to figure out how to trust himself. Based on their earlier conversation, it felt like he'd perhaps been finding that trust again before he'd needed to leave Bolivia. Her returning to work could be their first step in building all of that trust again.
She needed to believe him right now. It was her own first step in her healing process.
It was time.
Hailey needed a trial run for her own sanity.
Jay insisted he'd be fine and said she needed to learn to let go, a laugh teasing his voice the entire time – something that eased some of the nerves in her stomach.
But still, she told him she just wanted to try it out. She was scared about everything that could go wrong while she was gone. He'd gone this long without popping a stitch or injuring his burn, who was to say his luck would last another two hours?
The next morning, she made sure he had all he needed – water, burn cream, medications, food, and the remote – before she kissed him goodbye and headed out to the district.
When she got in the car, she was glad to feel like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Previously, when she'd drive to work, she'd feel like a piece of her was missing. She didn't have someone to reach out to in her passenger seat. No one was there to play with her radio and air conditioning or complain about being too warm in the middle of winter because he had on too many layers.
That same piece wasn't there right now, but he was in Chicago. Jay was back at their apartment, and that was what lifted that previous weight.
She actually felt free as she drove the familiar path to work. This felt like the normal she'd been craving.
It got even more normal when she stopped for coffee and picked one up for Trudy as well. If she needed something, she knew her chances of getting it were much higher if she at least had a drink to soften the blow. It wasn't even that she was worried Trudy would say no if she didn't have it; it was more that this was going to be the very start of her repaying Trudy for all she'd done to get her to Jay at Walter Reed. This was the least she could do for now.
Stepping into the district with two coffees in hand, she took a deep breath and actually felt a smile cross her face. It all felt like home, and, for the first time in months, she didn't exactly dread being here. She was still going to be working without Jay, but at least he'd be at home waiting for her to get there. He was home, and that feeling spread throughout the city.
"Look who it is," Trudy greeted once Hailey was through the door.
She laughed softly and walked over to the front desk. "Hi," she said, setting the coffees down, "How're you?"
"Much better now that I'm seeing you in one piece," Trudy replied.
Hailey smiled and nodded. She lightly nudged one of the coffees closer and said, "For you."
Trudy hummed and picked up the coffee. "Thank you," she said. Taking a sip, she nodded and added, "You got the extra espresso?"
"I know that's how you like it, which makes me your favorite," Hailey said.
A smile crossed Trudy's face, and she shook her head at the joke. "Should we step to the side to talk?"
Hailey picked up her own coffee and replied, "If you don't mind."
Trudy shook her head again, stepping back from the desk to lead the way down to the locker room. She waited until the door was closed to ask, "How is he?"
"Um, good," Hailey said honestly. She sat on the bench near her locker and let out a breath. She sipped her coffee then added, "We had a good talk yesterday about how we felt when he left. That felt like good progress."
"Good," Trudy said while sitting across from her, "That's really great."
Hailey nodded and looked down at her cup. "It was," she said softly, "I don't think we really shared everything, but we definitely cleared the air – enough to get me to come back to work finally."
Trudy raised an eyebrow and asked, "Really?"
Glancing up, Hailey said, "Yes. I want to come back."
Trudy slowly nodded. Taking a sip of coffee, she then asked, "And can I trust that you're doing this for you and not to just avoid your husband?"
Hailey blushed. "No," she said, "It's not to avoid him at all. Well, I – okay, I would like some space from all the medications and exercises and just plain quiet, but this was actually his idea. I'd been thinking it because of everything that was happening, but when he suggested it, I realized I do really need to come back here. It'll give us space to heal on our own."
Trudy studied her for a moment, and Hailey almost felt like she'd said something wrong. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned healing or hadn't explained it right. Actually, she knew she didn't explain it right. Perhaps asking to return to work by saying it was to heal from a traumatic experience sounded completely backwards. Her stomach twisted at the idea of Trudy turning her down and saying she couldn't come back to work. But she needed this, and she truly believed that.
She needed normalcy again and something to grasp on to that wasn't dominated by sadness.
Which, again, felt completely crazy given her job. She'd had that conversation with Voight before – it'd even regarded Jay then, too – and he'd even agreed with her then that needing to hold on to an unpredictable job was not normal.
She dug her nails into her palm and silently prayed for Trudy to have the same opinion and allow her back.
"Okay."
Hailey's eyes widened, and she repeated, "Okay?"
"Okay," Trudy said, nodding across from her, "You can come back. I don't see an issue with your furlough ending. If that's what you say you need, then I'll believe you."
"Thank you. I can-"
"I'm not done."
Hailey stopped talking and sat back slightly on the bench. She blinked quickly then breathed, "What?"
Trudy moved closer to her on her own bench and said, "No overtime. Not while he's still going to doctor appointments or therapy. Work can be an escape from the scary stuff and an attempt at returning to normal, but I don't want you to turn this place back into your coping mechanism. That wasn't healthy while he was gone, and it's certainly not going to be healthy now that he's back. Do you understand?"
Hailey nodded and breathed, "Yes."
Trudy nodded as well and continued to say, "I'd like to know the dates of some of his big appointments. I'll make sure not to schedule you on those days. I know we can't avoid every single appointment, but we can try to preserve some of your vacation and sick days. Deal?"
Again, Hailey nodded and said, "Yes, deal, I can get that to you."
Without missing a beat, Trudy said, "If we need to, I can take my own time off or have someone else take an hour or two to go help him out. Don't think you have to be the only one doing all the driving back and forth. Everyone is here to help."
Hailey softened slightly and nodded, words completely failing her in the moment.
It didn't matter how many times anyone told her that, it was still overwhelming to think of how many people actually cared about her. She wasn't alone. She had a family here.
She knew, in the back of her mind, that Jay wasn't going to be super keen on having Trudy take him to a doctor appointment or Kevin driving him to therapy, but she hoped that he would at least appreciate their offers to help. She wasn't alone, and neither was he. This was their support system. Like he'd said the night before, they had isolated themselves when they should have been leaning on others.
That needed to change.
"We'll get you two back on your feet if that's the last thing I do," Trudy finished, "You're both too good of cops and people to let any of that talent go to waste."
Hailey bit her lip then said, "But Jay…Trudy, I told you, he's done."
Trudy shook her head. "He's not, I'm not letting that happen. That's why he needs to get better – to heal, like you said – I have plans for him."
Hailey couldn't help but let out a quiet laugh of disbelief. "That's nice, but-"
"No buts," Trudy interrupted, "You just need to trust me."
Hailey did. She trusted Trudy more than she trusted most people in her life. At one point, it even felt like she trusted Trudy more than she trusted Jay.
She didn't have any reason not to trust Trudy. This just seemed so outrageous – to get Jay back upstairs – that her realist mindset told her to fight it.
But she stayed quiet. She just wouldn't say anything to Jay. She couldn't get his hopes up if whatever Trudy was planning fell to the side. He was already devastated as it was, there was absolutely no point in giving him some sort of hope that she couldn't even see coming true.
"Okay," she breathed, "I can do that."
Trudy nodded and sipped her coffee. Standing up, she asked, "Tomorrow?"
Hailey smiled slightly and nodded back. "I can be back here tomorrow."
"8am," Trudy said, a smile teasing her lips as she held out her coffee to point at her, "You're coming back to us."
Hailey laughed softly and said, "I'm coming home."
Trudy's smile widened, and she nodded. "Thanks for the coffee."
"No problem," Hailey breathed as Trudy left the room.
She was left in the stillness of the locker room, taking a slow sip of coffee to steady herself before pushing off the bench to open her own locker. Glancing inside, she noted that she was going to need another extra outfit when she returned the following day. She looked to her left where Jay's locker once sat and realized she was going to need something else before her official return too.
After leaving the district, she stopped at the store to pick up the compression sleeve Jay's doctor recommended the day before for the burn on his arm and one last pain pill prescription. She swung by the men's clothing section to grab two more pairs of sweatpants and a package of white t-shirts that she knew were going to be too big on him just for the ease of slipping them on. She decided to soften the blow of it all by picking up the two sweets Jay ever really allowed himself: peanut butter cookies and vanilla ice-cream. It made her smile as she was filling her basket, and she knew that she deserved it just as much as he did.
She was still smiling to herself at the thought of having a mini celebration of sorts that night about starting work again and heading down their path of a new normal when she pushed open the apartment door. The second she saw Jay inside, she could feel her eyes light up, and she paused right there in the doorway.
He was standing in the kitchen unpacking a big, brown bag of food, which was great on its own, but his outfit was what was making her struggle not to laugh. She'd left that morning while he was still eating breakfast in his pajamas because he'd insisted on getting ready by himself. She knew now that was probably a mistake.
His grey sweatpants hung low on his hips, and he'd only managed to get a sock on his right foot. Her favorite, though was the navy button down he'd pulled on without actually buttoning it up. She knew his left arm was still giving him a lot of trouble with the smaller tasks, so she wasn't surprised that he couldn't finish the shirt, but she was surprised he'd tried. At least his sling was on and appeared to be tight enough, and she took that as a big win.
"What'd you order?" she asked as she finally walked inside.
He looked up and blushed at her arrival. "I didn't think you'd be home so soon."
She shook her head and closed the door behind her. Bringing her bag to join his on the island, she said, "I wasn't at the district long. I'll actually work tomorrow. What're you doing?"
Jay sighed and gestured toward the food he'd had out. "I ordered food to make you lunch. Tried dressing up for you too, but that was also a bust."
Laughing softly, she shook her head and stepped around the island to gently tug him closer by the edge of his shirt. As she slowly buttoned it up for him, she said, "You don't have to look nice for me."
"I've been wearing sweatpants and t-shirts for weeks now; you don't want to see your husband in something nicer than that?" he asked.
Hailey laughed harder and shook her head. She brushed her fingers lightly against the top of his chest before finishing all the buttons. "Seeing you alive is more than enough, trust me." She kissed his cheek then stepped back and said, "But I did buy you some more pants and t-shirts. The shirts are bigger than you usually get, but don't complain because they should be easier to get on."
Jay smirked slightly and shook his head. "Thanks," he chuckled, "I will make my way back to jeans, you'll see."
"And it will be a big day when you do," she laughed in reply, "Until then, comfort is the goal." Glancing down at his feet, her smile widened and she added, "Looks like I'm going to have to get you slippers too."
"Yeah, uh," Jay sighed and ran his hand over his hair, "The left leg wasn't feeling the sock today."
Hailey shook her head, a smile still clearly evident on her face as she turned back to her bag. Buttoning his shirt was one thing, helping him put on socks was something else altogether, and she knew he was going to have to ask for that help. She didn't want to overstep and make him feel completely incompetent in the moment.
"I'm not against slippers," Jay said quietly while stepping around her to grab out a small pot from the cupboard, "But none that are like…what old people wear."
Hailey smiled and tossed her empty bag in the trash. "And what do old people wear?"
"Slip on slippers without a back," Jay said, "I can't stoop that low."
Hailey laughed again and put her hand on his back. "I'll see what I can find. Until then, how about I take over lunch? I don't want you getting hurt."
"No, no, I can do this," Jay replied, "I didn't get anything too difficult. It's pasta."
Hailey hummed and nodded. "If you're sure."
"I am. Just sit back and enjoy me cooking for you. It's been too long," Jay said.
"Mhmm," Hailey breathed while sitting at the island. Resting her chin on her palm, she watched as Jay crinkled his nose at the directions on the bag of tortellini then nod to himself. He brought his pot to the sink and set it inside in order to fill it with water.
She breathed in slowly and bit her lip, not knowing what his next move was going to be. While she was sure the pot of water was under his weight limitations, she wasn't quite sure he could pick it up with one hand. She shifted in her seat and dug her nails into palm again.
"Dammit," Jay whispered when he moved to pick up the pot with his right hand. He tried to turn and reach into the sink with his left hand, but he couldn't quite get down there. He huffed and stretched his fingers out, barely skimming the edge of the pot before shaking his head and straightening up.
"I think I might need some help," he said quietly.
Hailey smiled slightly and nodded, quickly getting off the bar stool to walk over and bring the pot to the stovetop. She set her hand on the knob to turn the gas on then raised an eyebrow.
"Well, I can do that," Jay said as he followed her movements, "But do you think you could try opening the jar of tomato sauce? Not that I can't, but it'd probably be easier for you."
"Of course," she said softly. She squeezed his right arm on her way back to the island to pick up the sauce he was talking about.
Just as she got the lid off, Jay said, "And maybe you could help me put a sock on?"
Smiling to herself, Hailey nodded and glanced over her shoulder to say, "Of course."
While Jay dumped most of the ingredients into the pots and, slowly, set out plates and cups for them both, Hailey was the one who moved the pots off the stove and onto the hot pads so they'd be easier to reach. She didn't mind at all. This was one of the times that the thought really did count.
She liked that Jay wanted to look nice for her and show her his appreciation through a meal. It was reminiscent of the beginning of their relationship and even of their marriage. When they first started dating, the first meal Jay ever made for her was chicken stir-fry. After a short day at work, he'd invited her over to his apartment for the first time a week after they'd slept together. To her surprise, he'd changed out of his work clothes to put on a button-down much like the one he was wearing now. It'd set the tone for any of their date nights moving forward: they were meant to be a time for them to put work to the side and just focus on themselves – work wasn't important.
It wasn't the easiest goal to upheld – even Jay's proposal to her had elements of their job trickled within it – but it was well worth the work. As a couple, they were worth nice dinners and fancy clothes every once in a while. Even if they were spending the night in, Jay tried changing his outfit and she took her hair out of its ponytail. The small things made the night just as special as the big things.
"Thank you," Hailey said softly as Jay spooned tortellini onto her plate, "This was a nice surprise."
Jay smiled back and said, "You're very welcome. Some day, I'll be able to do the whole thing by myself, but I don't think this was a total fail."
"Oh, certainly not," she replied. She added sauce to her plate then said, "I love pasta; there is nothing wrong with this."
Chuckling, Jay served himself and said, "I'm glad, it'll probably what we'll be eating most nights until I get my sling off."
Hailey hesitated on her way to eat a bite of tortellini. "Sorry?"
"You're going back to work," Jay said, "I'm going to make you dinner each night."
Hailey cleared her throat then said, "You don't have to do that."
"I do," Jay said, nodding to himself before eating a forkful of his lunch.
"Jay, we both know I can't always control what time I come home," Hailey said softly, "I will not be expecting a meal after work. This isn't the 1950s."
Jay smiled and glanced up at her. "I know. If it was, you'd be the one at home and I'd be the one working. It's 2023 – I can be a house husband."
But it wasn't by choice, and that was glaringly obvious with his arm in the sling and the outfit he was wearing.
Hailey sighed and pushed her plate to the side before turning in her seat and grabbing Jay's right hand. "Look at me," she whispered, "I will appreciate a meal. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm trying to tell you is that while you're here on your own, you should be working on yourself – do your home therapy exercises or read or write like the therapist recommended. You do not have to worry about me."
Jay held her eye contact for a moment then dropped her hand to place his palm to her cheek. "You know I didn't lose my memory in that car explosion, right?"
"Of course," she said softly, "But what does that have anything to do with this?"
"Everything." Jay brushed his thumb over her cheekbone and shot her a sad smile. "I know you brought home meals or made stuff for me before I left that I never ate or wasn't home for. It was wrong of me. I want to try and make it right."
She raised an eyebrow and softened in her seat.
It was true. There were more nights without Jay than ones with him for about a month leading up to his departure. She'd cooked several meals, poured many glasses of wine, and saved a lot of leftovers that were never enjoyed. It'd been more depressing than anything and had been one of the hardest parts of life without him while he was still in Chicago. She just wanted to spend time with him again.
But she wanted it to be honest and because he wanted to spend time with her too, not because he felt guilty for his actions in the past.
That didn't sound fair to her.
"You don't have to do that," she said softly, "Everything that happened months ago…well, it happened. Trying to reverse it all won't fix it. We just have to move on and try to be better."
Jay nodded quickly. "And this is that. I'm going to be better by making dinner for you every day."
Hailey shook her head and placed her hand on his cheek. "I don't want dinner, Jay, I just want you."
He bit his lip and squeezed her knee. "You can have me," he said quietly, "But I need this. I need to do something to show I care."
"Oh, no, Jay-"
"Hailey-"
"No, listen."
Taking a deep breath, Hailey slipped from the barstool to stand in between his legs. As she made sure he was looking in her eyes, she tilted her head to the side and said, "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't want this to be forced, I really don't. Like I said, reversing what had happened is not going to make it all better. I'm trying to accept the past, and I'm asking that you do too. You can make me dinner, but do it because you feel like it or are hungry yourself. Don't do it to rid yourself of guilt. That's not going to work."
Jay wet his lips then said quietly, "How do you know that? Isn't it worth a try?"
Hailey couldn't help but smile. "I know because I don't want to be pitied, and you know that too. Love me for me, not because you're forcing yourself to do it."
Jay straightened up and finally had a smile that was reflected in his eyes. "That's where you're wrong," he said, "I never have to force myself to love you. Promise."
She laughed softly and said, "Okay. Thank you."
"Hey, I'm serious," Jay said quickly. He grabbed her waist before she could step away and said, "I hear what you're saying, and I understand. I shouldn't have said it like that. I just want you to feel as appreciated as you make me feel. You haven't given up on me and that…that is just crazy to wrap my head around. I can't believe after everything that we've gone through that you're staying here and still loving me. I want to show you how much it means to me. That's all I'm trying to do, okay? I promise that too."
"That's a lot of promises," Hailey breathed.
Jay rubbed his thumb over her waist and said, "I know. Can you try to trust me?"
Hailey's gut twisted. She wanted to trust him – truly. All the pain that she'd gone through over the past six months told her she needed to keep walls up, but after their conversation the night before and her own advice to move on from the past, she knew she needed to try like he asked. It was the least she could do even if it felt like the biggest thing ever.
"Okay," she replied, "I can do that."
Jay smiled more and wrapped his arm around her to tug her against him. Burying his face in her hair, he breathed her in then whispered, "I love you."
She rubbed a hand over his back and whispered back, "I love you too. Forever."
"Always," Jay replied before placing a kiss to her temple. He sat back, tucked her hair behind her ear, then said, "Tell me what happened with Trudy then. I want to hear everything, seriously."
She smiled slightly and nodded, returning to her barstool. She watched him take a bite of tortellini then said, "Well, I bought her a coffee. She liked that."
Jay chuckled and nodded. "I bet she did. Black with an extra shot of espresso?"
"Of course," she said, "You really think she would have become a frappuccino girl?"
"No," Jay laughed harder, "That would have been the end of the world." He reached over to wipe some sauce from the side of her mouth and asked, "Any idea what case the rest of them are working on?"
"Nope, but I'll make sure to get all the details to tell you as long as you make sure to tell me every exercise you do," she replied.
Jay shook his head, a smile teasing his face, as he said, "I think I can do that."
She laughed and took another bite of tortellini.
There was no way any of it was going to be easy whether it be returning to work or leaving Jay alone for the first time in weeks, but their marriage was very much worth it.
She was worth it.
Hailey didn't want Jay to make a big deal out of her going to work. All she wanted was an easy morning like she was used to before he'd come home. Going back to work after nearly a three-week furlough should not have been a whole ordeal. It was simple.
Except Jay managed to roll out of bed while she was showering and made his way into the kitchen to start the coffee.
"Jay, I thought I told you last night to sleep in," she said as she stepped in the kitchen where he was standing in his pajamas in front of their coffee machine.
"I slept in," he said, grabbing the mug from the machine and sliding it across the island to her.
"Oh, really?" she laughed. Picking up the mug, she said, "But thank you. I appreciate it."
"Mhmm," Jay hummed while taking the pod from the machine. He switched it out with a new one and said, "And yes. I slept in until 6:45. That's big."
Hailey smiled and shook her head. Sitting at the island, she asked, "Are you going to try to go back to sleep?"
"Sun's out," Jay said, shaking his head.
Hailey smirked and glanced toward the window at the early morning sky depicting a sun that was most definitely not out. "Okay," she said.
Jay chuckled, knowing that she was teasing him, but really not seeming to care. She was at least glad that he hadn't tried getting in the shower with her or changing clothes. His time alone at home was meant to be for him to heal and relax. He could use this time to work on bettering himself like he wanted.
Like she wanted him to do.
She was very much aware that her returning to work could be a sort of trigger for him about his lack of job, and it scared her. She wanted to keep him busy, but knew it wasn't going to be the easiest while she was at work. To his credit, he'd suggested the day before that they call his therapist to see if his appointments could be moved online until he was cleared to drive. She'd appreciated his initiative in the matter. It also made her own life a lot easier since it was one less appointment she needed to worry about keeping track of or leaving work for. The one thing that she was unsure of was if he'd actually show up to his appointments, but he'd asked that she trusted him, and she needed to comply for the both of them.
Once his coffee was brewed, Jay walked over to sit next to her. After he took a sip, he said, "Mind making a promise to me now?"
She smiled against her mug and nodded. "I can try."
"It'll be good enough." He took a deep breath then asked, "Stay safe for me? Please?"
She softened and nodded again. "Of course," she replied, "I promise to try my hardest."
Jay smiled back and reached over to brush his hand over her damp hair.
They both knew they were essentially empty words. Anything truly could happen while she was at work no matter what promise she made at the apartment, but at least it was something. Given what had just happened to him, she knew she really did need to work to keep the promise, though. They couldn't both be holed up in the apartment with injuries – she was quite sure they'd both go crazy at that.
Hailey took a slow sip of coffee and closed her eyes. She needed to stay safe; she just didn't know what she was getting into today. It brought a little bit of fear to her gut, but she trusted her team and knew they'd fill her in as much as they could. They weren't going to leave her high and dry. They wouldn't.
Unfortunately, someone who had done just that was sitting right next to her, and it scared her that it could happen again.
Pushing that fear down and focusing on the love that she had for that same man was what got her out of her seat just a few moments later. She loved Jay and wanted their marriage to survive. In order to do that, she needed to return to work and start their new normal. They needed to heal and grow on their own so that they could be their best selves within their relationship.
It was the only option right now.
Once she had dried her hair and thrown it in a ponytail, she stopped by Jay at the counter one last time and took a deep breath.
"I'll be okay," he said softly.
She chewed her lip and glanced at his empty mug of coffee. "Are you going to eat something now?" she asked.
"Yeah, I think I can make something," Jay replied, looking around the kitchen, "I can figure it out no problem. Don't worry about me."
Hailey raised an eyebrow and placed her hand on the side of his face. "I'll always worry about you," she said softly.
Jay chuckled and turned to kiss her wrist. "And I'll always worry about you. Text me throughout the day, please. I want to know you're okay."
The unspoken words drifted between the two of them were clear upon one look in his eyes: he needed to know how she was doing physically and mentally. She'd made it clear over the past few days that she was nervous about leaving him alone and how he was going to do without her with the gravity of his lack of employment so obvious. Even when they hadn't been talking, he knew she'd been worried about the truth that was about to hit him. They could still read each other so easily even if it was inconvenient for secrets.
She wished more than anything that that could carry back into work, but she was nearly positive that was never going to happen again. Trudy might be able to get Jay some job somewhere within Chicago – it just probably wasn't going to be within Intelligence.
It sucked.
"I will," she said softly before kissing him, "And you: please text me. Let me know how therapy goes and how exercising goes. I can pick up more ice packs, if I have to, on the way home. I could get food too or medicine if you run out."
Jay raised an eyebrow and said, "I have so many pain meds; I guarantee I will not need anymore."
Hailey smiled slightly and said, "Just keep it in mind. Don't be afraid of taking any of them. Nothing wrong with needing help."
"But a lot wrong with depending on them," Jay retorted, "I'll stick to motrin."
Hailey sighed and stepped back to cross her arms. She wanted to argue, but she'd been having the exact same argument several times over the past few weeks. Jay knew where she stood on the pain medication just like she knew his own opinions. They were both incredibly stubborn regarding the matter, and, unfortunately, she didn't think that was going to change any time soon.
"You know what I'm going to say," she said.
"I do," he replied, "And you know what I will say in response."
There's no shame in taking the medicine.
No, but there's a lot of shame in getting addicted or becoming too tired to function.
That won't happen.
I've seen it happen, Hailey. I don't want that.
He always won the argument. She had a hard time arguing with his logic. Since she'd known him, he always relied heavily on his past and did things based on what he'd previously experienced. She could never quite figure out the psychology behind it or if it was because of his time in the military like if it was a part of his PTSD or not. Either way, this thing with the medication was certainly related to what he'd seen upon returning home years before. She knew he had every right to be scared; she just wished he also had the courage to believe in himself like she did to know that his fears were not going to come true.
Pursing her lips, she let out a soft breath through her nose then said, "Fine, but if you truly hurt yourself while doing any of your exercises, you need to call me right away. I won't force you to take the pain pills, but I will come home and make sure you're taking care of yourself. That is not up for negotiation. Do not make me get a baby monitor to keep track of you."
Jay softened and actually let out a quiet laugh. "I can probably do that," he said, reaching out to grab her waist. As he brushed his thumb over her belt, he said, "I love you. Be safe."
"And I love you," she replied softly. She kissed his cheek and whispered, "You be safe too. I mean it. And be strong. It's going to be okay."
Jay met her eyes as she stepped back and nodded. He took a deep breath then tried smiling at her. "Bye," he said through the clearly fake smile on his face.
She shook her head and reached a hand out to brush her fingers along his jaw. "I believe in you," she said before stepping away from him.
Grabbing her water bottle off the island, she held his eye contact while walking backwards to the door. There, she picked up her keys and wallet and accepted the fact that it was time to go no matter how much she wanted to stay and make sure he would be okay.
"Goodbye," she said softly, her hand on the doorknob.
He nodded and waved slightly.
Letting out a soft breath, she pulled the door open and finally stepped out of the apartment.
He was going to be fine.
She truly needed to believe in him too.
The bullpen was quiet when she made her way up the stairs. No one had arrived yet, and she liked it that way. She wanted a moment of peace to herself.
Weeks before, she'd been feeling rather stuck at work. She was surviving and not thinking of Jay all the time, but she still wasn't feeling like herself. She had learned how to live and work without him. She had nearly accepted it. She just hadn't ever felt complete.
Jay wasn't there; his desk was a harsh reminder of that. She didn't have her right hand man there with her - a joke he'd made years before when they'd finally started becoming real friends and not just partners. It was a joke, a figure of speech, and yet it became real. He was a part of her as much as she was a part of him. Their minds melded together even if they had disagreements or differing viewpoints on situations. They were it for each other.
Without him, work hadn't felt like work. It became more of a prison sentence than a shift as a cop. She hated being there, which was an incredibly cruel situation given how much she hated being at home.
Now, she knew she wasn't going to hate being at home. Home now wasn't the same home it'd been a year before: now, it was filled with stress and anxiety, but at least it was also filled with Jay. They weren't where they were the year before. They were growing together, and that was okay. This was a new period of her life, and she was excited for it.
It made work exciting in a way. She was still worried about what was happening at home with Jay, but this was giving her an opportunity to start over. She no longer had the weight of Jay's absence on her. She could use her new outlook on her life as a way to improve as a detective. This was sort of her chance to relax. She had learned how to work without Jay, and now was her time to prove what she learned.
She could do this.
"Hailey, how are you?"
She looked up from her desk to see Voight walking down the hallway toward her. She took a deep breath and nodded. "I'm fine," she replied, "Ready to be back, so if there's anything you need, please let me know."
Voight shook his head and stopped in front of his office. "Talk with me for a minute?"
She dug her nails into her palm and nodded again before following him into the small room. As he closed the door, she crossed her arms and asked, "Is something wrong?"
"Not at all," Voight said, "I just want to know how you and Jay are doing. Do either of you need anything right now? Meals or rides?"
Hailey softened and shook her head. "No. Thank you, though. We're okay."
Voight nodded and said, "Let me know if something comes up. Does he have any sort of return date yet?"
She blinked quickly and tucked her hands behind her back so she could lightly scratch at her arm without him seeing as she shook her head.
As far as she knew, Trudy, Kim, and Will were the only ones who knew of Jay's permanent discharge from the military. She hadn't necessarily thought any of them would tell Voight the news, but she also hadn't expected that he wouldn't know anything that was going on. She knew he had ways to find out any information that he wanted to know.
This was one time where she wished that he actually could do that and find out about Jay on his own.
She didn't want him asking her every few days or even calling Jay to ask about when he'd come back. It was going to feel like picking a scab every single time, and they both needed to heal before they could directly confront it head on. Who knew what Jay was going to be doing for a job, but they wanted to figure it out together without Voight. After he had admitted two days before that he'd wanted to be like their sergeant, she suspected that he would not want the man to be the one helping him get a new job. Jay wanted to be his own person, he needed to be his own person, so he needed to do things on his terms.
Minus Trudy working behind the scenes to get him a job.
But Hailey still wasn't exactly ready to tell that to Jay just yet. She needed him to heal before he even thought about what the future looked like ahead.
"No," she breathed, "He…he's still just focusing on getting better. His shoulder's in the sling for another week or so since it got pretty messed up in the crash, and the burns are still causing him some issues. I don't really want him thinking about returning just yet."
"I understand," Voight said, "Thanks for the update."
Hailey nodded and bit the inside of her lip. While she'd depended on Trudy to break the news originally about Jay to everyone, she'd reached out to them all – with Jay's permission – on her fourth day in Maryland.
To Adam, Kim, Kevin, and Dante, she'd sent a general message as an update in an attempt to remain polite while also setting boundaries that they needed space at the time: Hi all. I know you've heard by now, but I'm with Jay at Walter Reed. He'll be ok, but needs time to get better. He's looking forward to talking and seeing you again in Chicago, so I'll let you know once we're heading home. Thank you for your support. Love you.
With Voight, they'd both known that he might have deserved more information since she was still working for him, but they were also torn since Jay had resigned from the department. Still, they worked together to come up with something that could work for them both: Hi, I know Trudy's told you, but I'm at Walter Reed since Jay's been injured. Once I'm back in Chicago and ready to return to work, I'll let you know.
He'd replied nearly instantly saying that she should take her time and focus on helping Jay. At the time, she'd wondered if he felt at all guilty for what had happened. She knew she partly did.
Like Will had said, Jay was mostly at fault for leaving, but there was no doubt in her mind that Voight had a role in his departure – especially since Jay had nearly admitted it to her by now. He wasn't exactly someone she wanted to be around – not when it first happened and certainly not now. She needed time to accept what that he really had a role in her life falling apart.
Again.
"Hailey! Is that you?"
She softened slightly and looked over her shoulder at Kevin walking into the bullpen. It was just what she needed to finally smile at returning to work.
"Hey," she said, stepping out of Voight's office without another word. She quickly crossed the floor and accepted Kevin's tight hug right there next to her desk. Letting out a breath, she relaxed in his arms and whispered, "It's good to be back."
Kevin hummed quietly then stepped back with a nod. "Good to have you back. Doing okay?"
"Uh."
She turned enough to see Voight walking over to close his door before answering a phone call. Biting her lip, she tried pushing him out of her mind. Be as it might that he was a large part of work, she didn't have to make him everything. It was exactly what she'd been telling Jay before he left: Voight did not have to be their everything between the hours of eight and five. Work was her space to do what she'd wanted to do since she was twelve years-old. She needed to focus on that little girl and that dream moving forward. Work needed to be for her and for the people of Chicago that she wanted to care for.
Not Voight.
Not even Jay.
This was going to become her safe place. It'd been the one thing she could rely on for years now. It was unpredictable and wild and kept her on her toes. In that way, she could rely on always being challenged and growing as a detective and person. She needed to lean into that aspect of work. Not into all that she didn't have anymore.
"I think so," she said softly, "I think I am. I'm worried about Jay, but he needs his space, and I need mine. It's time for us to start over and become a new version of us. Hopefully it's a better version."
"You're a strong one, Hailey Upton. I admire you," Kevin said.
She smiled and lightly punched his arm. "Thanks, Kev."
He smiled back and winked before walking back to his desk and sitting down. "What's Jay up to?" he asked while turning his computer on.
"Well, he's going to tackle breakfast on his own," she said, sitting at her own desk and spinning to look at him, "I'm hoping he doesn't hurt himself. Yesterday, he tried making tortellini for lunch, which was great, but then he realized he couldn't exactly lift the filled pot with one hand and bring it to the stove."
Kevin chuckled and shook his head. "Oh, no. Not a good move. Well, he's a smart one. He won't make that mistake twice."
Hailey tried to laugh and nodded slightly. "Yeah," she breathed, "Hopefully." She turned back to her computer and turned it on. Taking a deep breath, she shook the fear of Jay doing just that from her head.
It didn't matter if she was talking about mistakes regarding heavy pots in their kitchen or Voight in the bullpen. It wasn't often that he did repeat mistakes, but he honestly has. He was human, and it happened. She couldn't fault him for that. She just needed to believe that he was growing like he said he was.
His job in Bolivia needed to have made a difference. He'd said it had and that he was in a decent place before the explosion. It was reassuring that they could get through whatever came their way.
She hoped.
The phone call Voight had answered involved a case from the new superintendent that led Hailey and Kevin to walking the streets asking for witnesses to three kidnappings all at the same location and all at the same time of day. It was too coincidental to be nothing, and they knew they needed to get out and solve it before something else were to happen.
It was a long day that brought up a few leads, but nothing concrete. She texted Jay a few times throughout their walks on the street and in Kevin's car, but she no longer had that fear within her every time she hit send. She wasn't worried that he wouldn't reply to her. She knew he would. It helped the day go by and made her excited to get home and actually see the outfit he was proud to put on by himself. She was proud of him too.
By the time five o'clock rolled around, everyone was back in the bullpen combing through all of the details they had found and making plans for the following day. Months, even weeks, before, Hailey would have stayed and tried solving it on her own or at least getting further in the case just to avoid going home. Now, though, she willingly pulled on her coat and followed everyone down to the parking lot.
She caught the few smiles they all sent her. They weren't used to her leaving on time either, and it was nice. She felt like they were happy for her.
She was becoming herself again.
And she liked to see it too.
Upon slipping the key in the apartment door, Hailey poked her head in first and said, "Jay?"
He held up his right hand on the couch without turning around and said, "Hey!"
She smiled and dropped her wallet and keys on the entryway table. "How're you? Did today go okay?"
"Enough."
Hailey crinkled her nose and forwent slipping her shoes off to hurry over to him. "What happened?" she asked.
He looked up with a slight smile and nodded toward the ice pack he had to his left shoulder. "Might have gone a little too hard on day one. It's nothing bad, stitches didn't pop. Just sore."
She nodded and settled onto the couch next to him. "When'd it happen?"
"Not too long ago," he replied, setting his right hand on her thigh, "Maybe an hour? I was just thinking of what I wanted to make you for dinner."
"I can take care of that," she said softly as she ran her hand across his back, "Have you had the ice on it for long?"
"I'm doing the twenty minutes on, twenty minutes off thing," he explained, "I have a few minutes left."
"Mhmm." She finally slipped her shoes off and pulled her feet up on the couch. Kissing his cheek, she whispered, "I'll wait it out here with you."
Jay smiled and leaned his head against hers. "Thank you," he whispered back.
She hummed again and closed her eyes.
Her first day back at work hadn't been scary or life-threatening like Jay had been worried about, but that was exactly what she loved about it. It was what she hadn't been expecting, and that was nice.
She just wished he would have asked her about it.
But he didn't.
Not even when they shared dinner or crawled into bed together.
It wasn't the best feeling and sat funny in her gut all night.
A/N: Let me know what you think? Talk to you next week!