Book One: The Birth of the Order

Chapter 3

Hogwarts: Spring 1976...

The young Lily Evans entered an empty Gryffindor common room, a dazed look covering her face. Everyone else had gone to breakfast, but she was just returning from the hospital wing. McGonnigal had informed her that her best friend, Severus Snape, would be there for the rest of the day. The reason was left unexplained. Determined to find out what all the mystery was about, Lily skipped breakfast and visited her friend to get to the bottom of things. What she found, was unexpected.

Lily slumped on the couch and crossed her arms to think. "How could he say such horrible things?" Lily asked herself aloud. "Remus wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone-" She was stopped when a sniffle came from the stairway to the boys' dormitory. Lily jumped from her spot and looked around "Is someone here?" She walked over then stopped at the bottom step. She could partially see boy, who was hidden as the stars curved around. He was sitting on the steps in blue and white striped PJ's. "Who is that?" she asked and a startle sniffle echoed back to her. She leaned forward as far as she could, knowing the enchanted steps wouldn't allow a girl to set food on them. "Remus? Is that you?"

"Go away. I'm sorry, but… I'm not feeling well." He pulled his legs to his chest to hide them from view. "Remus, please come down. If you're sick you should go to the hospital wing."

"Madame Pomphrey said I could stay in my room today since…"

"Since what?" No answer came and the suble crying continued once more. "...Since Severus is in there?" She asked quietly. His lack of response, but increase in sniffling confirmed this for her. "Remus, go back to bed if you don't feel well."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I just… can't." The truth was that the young 5th year boy had come down from his bedroom for some chocolate he had left in common room, but weak from the moon the night before… his legs buckled on the way back up the steps and he could hardly climb up any further. Lily sat on the floor and leaned against the wall. "Severus said he can't leave the hospital all day. I think he's faking it though. He doesn't look injured to me."

"Did… did he say what happened to him?"

"He said… he said he was attacked by a werewolf."

"...and… and do you believe that?"

"I didn't… until now." There was a long silence as Remus processed what she could have meant by that then he blurted out, "He told you!" Remus shouted between anger filled sobs. "That slimy git told you!"

"Remus, calm down. You didn't do anything."

"Didn't I?! I could have killed him. He's going to tell everyone and they'll run me out of the school."

"Remus, please…"

"As soon as my legs are up to it, I'll take my prefect badge to Dumbledore."

"Remus, you're overreacting. I'm sure you didn't mean-"

"Don't act like I'm innocent, Lily."

"You are."

"I'm a monster. He will be sure to tell everyone that."

"No you're not. And he won't tell the school."

"Of course he will. He's always wanted something to use against me and the lads and now he has it."

"Remus…" Lily was quiet for a long time after that. She was tempted to ask more questions. How many years had he dealt with the secret? Did the boys know? Certainly they had to. Did Dumbledore have to pull some strings to allow Remus as a student? She mentally hushed her curiosity and reminded herself that this was not time for school. The only question she did manage to let through her mouth was, "would you like some Pop-rocks?"

"W-what?"

"Poprocks. It's a muggle candy, but I find them remarkably similar to-"

"I know what they are."

"Oh… well I have some in my cloak pocket. I was just waiting on a friend to share them with." Remus is quiet for a while. Lily then heard some soft thuds. Remus inched his way down each step on his bum until he made it to the bottom. His eyes had dark circles underneath them, his face was cut and bruised. "Why are you being so kind, Lily? I've never seen someone so casual about this. Especially a muggle born. Plus, I could have murdered your best friend."

"Remus John Lupin would never hurt a soul. And maybe now Severus won't go snooping about."

"He wasn't Lily…"

"How else did he find you?" She held out the bag of poprocks and Remus stared at it. He didn't answer as he held out his hand to accept the candy, his eyes welling up with more anger filled tears as he thought over the night before and how his own friend had led Snape to the shrieking shack as a prank. A horribly selfish prank. Lily poured the rocks into his hand and grinned. "Besides, if Severus wants to continue to be my friend then I would hope he doesn't spread a word about this to anyone. And Remus…" He looked up at her green eyes and she gave him a serious look. "I'll be sure to remind him of that."

Inside Fortescue's, the young adults became children again for a final time. None of them could ignore the trouble brewing outside as people spoke in whispers and headlines filled with panic, but for now they could just be carefree one last time. Marlene couldn't help but notice Sirius seeming distracted, staring out the window. "You alright then, Black?"

"Just wondering what is keeping James," he insisted and immidiatly resumed his usual posture. He always sat upright as if to appear taller than he truly was. He wrinkled his nose and sniffed as if to reset his expression.

"It's more than that," she said in a low tone as if to whisper. The rest of the group was chattering away, but Marlene and Sirius were position at the end of the table and nobody seemed to notice their private conversation. "You're upset about something."

"I'm not upset," he lied. "Anyway... since when do you care. I thought you were, oh how did you put it, 'never speaking to me again' hmmm? Not that I remember why."

"No you probably don't remember. You were drunk enough." She stirred her ice cream about and when it appeared Sirius wasn't going to continue speaking about it she leaned forward. "You don't actually not remember right? You were bloody plastered at the end of year party. You humiliated me. I mean I'm over it but still. You could have apologized. It was embarrassing."

"Since when do you care what I do, McKinnon?"

"I don't. I didn't... but still. An apology would be nice."

"Can't exactly apologize for things I don't remember. Sorry. Oh hey, does that count?" He shrugged and smiled. He enjoyed driving her mad. He never really understood why, but somehow it helped distract him. At this moment, distraction was what he needed. He knew what James' plans were with Lily. He knew he would soon be saying goodbye to their friendship as it was, but at least some things, like teasing Marlene, never change.

James entered just then and sat beside Lily, trying not to look Sirius in the eye for risk of revealing his most recent confrontation with Regulus. "What are we talking about then?"

Tabitha nodded to Lily. "She was telling me all about how you are dragging your feet."

James turned bright red and looked at Lily who was just snickering at Tabitha's blunt joke. James opened his mouth to defend himself, but the only words that escaped him were, "Padfoot do help me pick out an ice-lollie, would you?" He jumped right back up and Sirius obliged.

Lily smiled at them as they walked away. Her eyes fell back onto Tabitha. "For a moment there you almost seemed like you enjoyed spending time with us. But now you look uncomfortable again."

"Lils," Tabitha started. "You did nothing wrong."

"I must have. Or one of us did," she said back with a sigh. "You left without saying goodbye and even now you seem miserable to be here."

"Lily... I left because of, someone else. I realized something about someone else."

"Like a secret about one of us?"

Remus instantly looked to them both, depsite Peter rattling on and on beside him about some new Muggle movie about wars in the stars. At the sound of the word, "Secret" he was locked into focus on the two girls.

"Lily," Tabitha went on. "I realized something... about someone... something I couldn't confront. And it scared me. I realized if I stayed I might have to face it and I just couldn't do that. I couldn't risk hurting someone I cared about."

Hurting someone? Remus thought. Tabitha's family were banshee hunters. They would be against her knowing a monster like a werewolf. She was Lily's best friend and he was James'. She left to avoid seeing Remus again. That had to be it. She knew his secret!

"Moony, are you listening?" Peter said and nudged Remus in the arm.

"Huh? Oh... y-yea. Go on Pete. What about the movie?" He tried his best to focus on Peter but his mind was spinning.

Tabitha glanced at the two boys and caught Remus' slip of focus. She shrugged it off, thinking it was nothing, but became aware of how candid she was being with Lily in the middle of everyone. "Lily. Just trust me, please. You mean more to me than you know. You're like my sister. I know leaving without saying goodbye hurt you and for that I'm sorry. But trust me, the reason I left had nothing to do with you. Ok?" She smiled and Lily nodded softly, taking Tabitha's hand. She didn't reply aloud but the two knew that things were mended for now.

At the ice cream counter, James sighed in relief. "Well Pads, here we are."

Sirius just nodded, his arms crossed and leaning against the glass as he gazed down on the flavors. "You going to pick a flavor, mate?"

"I'm not hungry. That's not why I pulled you away."

"I suggest something, sugar free," he continued, his gaze still refusing to look James in the face. "You're jumpy enough as it is."

"Sirius..."

"Vanilla is also a good option. Basic, like you."

"I'm going to ask her, Padfoot," He finally managed to say. Sirius kept staring at the ice cream. "I'm going to ask Lily to marry me," he whispered to him. Sirius didn't reply for a while. Finally turned and faced James, hands in pockets now. After a prolongued inhale he smiled. "About time, I guess. When's the funeral?"

"Is that all you have to say?"

"What you want me to get on my knees and beg you to run away with me instead?"

"Of course not."

"Right... we'd be a disaster. Better stick with a quieter type like Moony."

"Sirius," James says coolly. "I mean it. This is a big deal."

"You don't think I know that? I just want to know when the big question goes down is all?"

"W-well... I guess I need to pick up the ring first. It's being sized."

"Diamond or Ruby?" James blinked, shocked that Sirius even knew Lily's preferences. "I notice things," Sirius just shrugged in response.

"D-diamond."

"Good man." The worker behind the counter had finally reached the boys point in line and Sirius called over the galss to him. "Sugar-free vanilla for four-eyes. Nothing for me." When he looked back to James he could tell that his friend was scared shitless. "Hey... she isn't going to say 'no'. And if she does, the offer to run off with me still stands."

James couldn't help but smile. "Thanks Padfoot."

It felt like a lifetime to James before the group finished their ice-creams. All began to part ways outside the ice cream shop. James took Lilys hand and reminded the others of their meeting place. Sirius had volunteered to pick up the ring for the jeweler for James while he went to the public owlery with Lily who'd asked to send one more letter home, for fear it would be her last for a while if things were as dangerous as they seemed.

Marlene could sense the uncertainty on Tabitha's face. "Are you going to bail on us again?" She said matter-of-factly.

"Wh-what? No. It's just-"

"Tabs-" Remus squeaked and cut her off. He cleared his thought. "I'd like to talk to you." The expression that crossed Tabitha's face confirmed his worst fear. it was him she was afraid of. Her wide eyes when she looked across his scarred face said it all. But he couldn't risk the Order loosing help because of him. If he needed to clear the air with Tabitha to prevent that then so be it. "Come on. We will only be a minute."

Tabitha and Remus stepped outside and found a quiet alley nearby and waited a moment for the first person to speak. Remus saw that Tabitha was clearly declining the chance so he spoke first. "Sorry if I ambushed you. I've just noticed you're not acting like your old self and I figure it's because of me." He said sheepishly. He wasn't surprised. Quite a few people had found out his secret after they graduated and treated him differently because of it. Lily was the only one who treated him the same after finding out, other than the lads that is. She was incredibly kind and understanding about the whole thing and Remus prayed Tabitha would be too. After all, they were roommates for years. Maybe Lily's understanding rubbed off on Tabitha? Then again... why would she run off after learning his secret?

Tabitha looked at him surprised. "You didn't upset me..." She looked down "I know. I know I'm not myself. I thought I could hide it but it was foolish of me. I forgot how you always managed to see right through my masks. I just wasn't expecting to see you all. I was expecting to come, get some cash, buy a Prophet and head back to the muggle world. I wasn't prepared for... all this."

"I can see how overwhelming that would be."

"It's just... The reason I left... I couldn't keep certain secrets anymore. They were too painful. I left so I wouldn't have to face... So I wouldn't have to bite my tongue anymore. I know it was selfish. Coming back and seeing you all made all those secrets and feelings hit me like a ton of bricks. Add to it the offer to join the fight against dark forces and… well..."

"I understand, Tabs. It was more of a day than you were anticipating. You did your time as a secret keeper in school. It isn't fair for us to expect you to keep it up."

"Yes it is. I'm your friend… or I was. I'm not really sure what I am to you all now. Anyhow, I'm sorry."

"It's alright, Tabs." Remus remembered their old, conversations about secrets and how much he wanted to just be honest with her. It pained him to know that now that she had found out it was an added burden on her. "If it helps... you don't have to worry about me. My secret shouldn't be a burden to anyone."

Tabitha looked up at him. "What?"

"I never meant for my condition to affect anyone like that. Most of all my friends." He faced away from her and continued, "I know you are uncomfortable around me now, but I hope you know I'm still the same person I was back in school. Back when we were good friends. Great friends, I thought. At least that's who you were... and are to me." He wanted to tell her he would never hurt her but knew that people like him can't promise things like that.

Tabitha continued to blankly stare in confusion. "Your condition? What condition are you talking about? Are we talking about the same thing?"

"Wait… you mean you didn't leave because of my condition?" He freezes and ends up just staring at her.

"I didn't even know you had one, Rem. I mean, I know you were ill in school many times." Sudden worry crossed her face. "Are you all right, Rem? Does Potter know?"

"He… he knows, but I'm starting to think you don't."

"Don't what?"

"Know."

"Know what?"

"My secret."

"Well I think the same goes for my secret."

"What is yours?"

"Oh no, Remus. I couldn't."

"Well, I can't tell you mine."

"Then why did you pull me back here?!" She began to get frustrated and Remus just groaned.

"Because I thought I was the cause for your leaving. I would have to be an idiot to not clearly see that. You were uncomfortable beside me at the meeting, you hardly look at me. I heard what you said to Lily. I even noticed in our last semester that you stopped talking to me."

"Remus…"

"If it isn't my condition, then fine. Just tell what it is. I know it has something to do with me. What did I do?"

"Remus."

"Need I remind you that my friendship with you doesn't always have to involve the boys or Lily or anyone else?"

"Oh, Remus," Tabitha groaned as if the oxygen has been sucked from the air around her. She grabbed his arms to steady herself and to stop him. "I left because I was in love, alright?!"

"What?" His eyes widened and he stood in shock. Part of him was embarrassed for pushing her so far to admit something like that, but he also was curious to know more.

Tabitha crossed her arms and looked away. "Yes, me. The girl who swore she would be alone forever fell in love."

Remus' face softened. "Tabitha, that isn't bad. That is wonderful. Unless… it isn't Sirius, is it? I mean I know we used to tease you two about it in school but for Merlin's sake please don't marry him. That would be a catastrophe." He laughed, but her failure to glance at him made him uneasy. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I know you. I know how I can't keep my mouth shut around you because you're so easy to talk to and so kind to me. I thought I would say too much... Now I have." She refused to look back at him. "And it isn't Black. Godric, how could you lot even mentally pair me with a eejit like that?"

Remus chuckled. "I suppose we just want the best for you, Tabitha. We may have teased you a lot, but we still liked you. Especially… especially me. I think you deserve happiness more than anyone."

"No... I don't."

"Don't be so defeatist That's my job," He chuckled. He rested a hand on her shoulder. "I know your childhood wasn't easy. I understand that more than anyone, trust me. We all have skeletons in our closet. But... if you loved someone then you should go after them, not run away."

"Even if they said that sort of life… wasn't in the cards for them?" She now looked up at Remus and saw his face change.

Remus was staring at her stunned. He remained silent for a long time as he mentally pieced things together. Those words, his own, spoken back to him so many years later.

Me?

How could someone even care about him let alone think they love him? The thought rattled through his mind. The truth is, he had always felt a connection with her as well, but suppressed it, knowing he could never be with anyone. Memories of every interaction flooded back to him. The signs had been there all along. Memories of Tabitha avoiding him their last year, her absence at the end of year party, her pushing him away... they all were efforts to protect each other from getting too close... and getting hurt. He realized he had to say something. Anything. But somehow nothing came to mind. Remus opened his mouth and attempted to form words. The three words that managed to emerge were, "

"I'm a werewolf..."