The Weight of a Kiss
"We've got to hurry" Nathan called over his shoulder as he guided both horses through the deep drifts. "I think we're in for a blizzard."
Elizabeth, who was following at a much slower pace on account of her skirts and heeled shoes, gave a despairing, exasperated sigh. The cold was almost unbearable, and her strength was quickly waning. Wrapping her coat and the dark blanket that Nathan had given her more tightly around her.
Ever since breaking things off with Lucas, Elizabeth had tried to throw herself into her calling. The thought that she had neglected it, or even considered giving it up altogether weighed on her heavily.
The guilt had inspired her to share her gifts with the children of Eagle Creek and Rockcreek as well as those in Hope Valley. All of them were struggling from the latest turn of events and would need the knowledge and resources to rebuild their lives. Their future.
Today, a few days before Christmas, she had insisted on riding out to Eagle Creek to provide the children there with books and learning tools to prepare them for the spring term.
She had planned to go alone, but Nathan had gotten wind of her plan and had insisted on accompanying her. "Cold weather won't troublemakers and bandits" he pointed out.
Both of them had said very little to each other as they made their way to the little town. A group of farm children and their mothers were already waiting for Elizabeth at the long-since abandoned depot. Despite the unfortunate state of their town, these people were grateful for the support.
Elizabeth did not want to admit that she wanted or even needed Nathan to come along with her. But even she could not deny the warmth that she felt at the sight of him handing out books and school supplies to the children as if he were Santa Claus on Christmas day.
Their respect and admiration for him was clear, and Elizabeth recalled all of the extra time and effort Nathan had given to solving Eagle Creek's water problem. He truly was a hero to them.
Elizabeth's own feelings about the matter were still quite untouched. She had been too afraid to examine what she felt, and instead had opted to focus on her role as a parent and as a teacher. She had hoped that this trip would relieve some of the unspoken guilt that she felt. In a way, it did.
Perhaps, with time, the turmoil within her would quiet, and life would go on, just as it had after Jack passed. This journey felt like a good start.
Knee-deep in snow with the wind biting at her face, Elizabeth was beginning to question that however. Too much snow had fallen, making riding impossible. Even now, a blizzard threatened to consume her and Nathan as they trekked listlessly through the icy woods.
Her feet were numb. Her hands were numb. Even her face was beginning to feel numb. It was all she could do to drag herself through the drifts as the Mountie guided the horses' steps. She heard him call once or twice through the wind, but didn't really retain anything he said.
At last, her stiff legs would not hold her anymore, and she sank into a heap in the snow, sobbing as the feeling of numbness and despair overwhelmed her. It didn't take long for Nathan to come to her side, his face full of worry.
"Elizabeth," he murmured breathlessly. "We've got to keep moving. There's a hunting cabin around here. We're almost there..."
"I can't keep going!" Elizabeth cried. "Please Nathan... Just let me rest for a minute."
Nathan shook his head. "The storm's getting worse," he pointed out. "If we stop now, we won't be able to find shelter." Reaching out, he wrapped the blanket that had fallen limp on her shoulders more tightly around her cold frame.
"Put your arm around my neck" he commanded quietly. "I'll carry you."
Elizabeth shook her head in protest. "Nathan, no..." she argued. "You need your strength..."
"I'll be fine" he assured her, gesturing once more for her to allow him to carry her. "It's not too far now."
Elizabeth was surprised by how effortlessly Nathan lifted her in his strong arms and out of the icy snow. Her sobs quieted as his strength gave her reassurance. He always made her feel safe. Tiredly, she allowed her head to rest on his shoulder, trying to ignore the strong feelings that were stirring inside of her.
Nathan had been right when he had told her that the hunting cabin was not far. He had become familiar with the area surrounding Eagle Creek in the summertime, so finding it took little effort.
Immediately, he lifted her across the threshold and set her down on the rug by the hearth. "I'll get some wood for a fire" he called over his shoulder, even as he went back out into the icy cold.
Elizabeth shivered, hoping that the woodpile was close by. The thought of Nathan losing his way in a terrible blizzard was frightening.
It didn't take him long before he was back with an armful of dry wood. He had gotten Newton and Sergeant settled in the shelter of the cabin's frame and had made sure to provide both with amble hay to last the night.
Before long, the cabin was aglow with the comforting fire he had built in the hearth, and Elizabeth began to regain feeling in her hands and feet again as she sipped a hot cup of tea that Nathan had prepared.
"Are you okay?" he asked tentatively, as he hung his wet serge and boots by the fire.
Elizabeth nodded. "Fine" she answered, trying not to remember the peril they had both just experienced. "And you?"
Nathan gave a quick nod. "I'm fine," he assured her. He smiled a little when he saw a yawn escape her. "I'll stay up and keep watch if you want to turn in" he offered generously.
Elizabeth was exhausted. And the crystal blue of Nathan's eyes made her feel things that she wasn't ready to confront. She glanced at the quilt-covered cot in the corner.
"Thank you" she said, a bit stiffly. It was hard not to appear cold when she was in the midst of suppressing what she felt for this man. "I think I will."
Nathan nodded wordlessly, and turned back to the fire.
Elizabeth tried to sleep, but found she was unable to. Even though the trek through the snow had exhausted her, her mind continued to race. She and Nathan were alone together, and yet it felt as though they were worlds apart. Now felt like the perfect time for her to be open with him about what she was feeling, but fear held her back. What did it have such a hold on her?
She tossed and turned, unable to quiet her thoughts. She wondered if Nathan had been able to get some rest, even if she had been unsuccessful. She was surprised however, to find that every time she turned to check, he was still awake and staring into the fire. After what felt like hours, she finally sat up in bed and wrapped the blanket tightly around her shoulders before coming to join him.
He looked surprised to see her and gestured towards an empty space on the rug beside him. "I thought you were asleep" he murmured, poking at the fire to awaken the flames.
Elizabeth sat down next to him. "I can't seem to fall asleep tonight," she admitted. "Too much excitement." She glanced at him nervously before continuing, her voice still guarded and stiff. "You must be tired. You should try and get some sleep. I'll stay here and watch."
Nathan was touched by her concern despite the indifference in her voice. He had learned by now that her tone did not always tell the whole story. "Thanks, but I, uh..." he paused, not really knowing how to explain. "I don't really sleep anymore. I just can't seem to settle down, you know?"
His brief smile made light of it, but Elizabeth was not amused. "I don't understand," she countered. "Nathan, are you telling me that you're not sleeping at night? How long has this been going on?"
Nathan shrugged. "For a while now" he admitted. "But I'm fine Elizabeth. Really. It's nothing to worry about."
Elizabeth grew silent as she slipped into deep thought. "Jack... used to struggle a lot," she explained slowly. "I don't think he slept a wink during our entire honeymoon. I wanted to help him heal from it when he got back. But he never did..."
Elizabeth saw a pang of guilt cross Nathan's face as he stared into the fire. Guilt was a burden that he still carried and probably always would. Seeing this, she longed to take his hand. But her fear held her back. "Have you seen a doctor about it Nathan?" she asked.
Nathan tossed a stick into the fire and looked troubled. "Yes..." he finally admitted, feeling a little exposed and vulnerable with the admission. Up until now, only Faith knew about his insomnia. But it felt right somehow to share it with Elizabeth. "They said that I needed to slow down and relax, but there's no real cure."
He paused for a long time before adding. "It could be a lot worse. And I'm learning how to manage it. I'll be fine."
Elizabeth felt her heart being tugged by his admission. Anxiously, her hands began to fidget. "Does Allie know?" she asked, her voice sounding smaller than she had planned.
Nathan shrugged. "I haven't told her anything," he admitted. "The last thing she needs right now is to be worrying about me. I mean, with her growing up so fast... She has a lot going on in her life right now..."
Elizabeth understood that. Her own son was growing up a little more everyday. Soon, he would be starting school. She had always known that he depended on her for strength, but she felt it now more than ever.
The thought gave her enough courage to reach out her hand toward Nathan. She touched his forearm gently. "So do you..." she pointed out. "You've been through a lot Nathan. You should listen to your doctor and give yourself a break. How can you care for her if you don't care for yourself?"
Nathan gave a short, wry laugh and shook his head. Elizabeth noticed however that his smile did not reach his eyes. "I don't have time," he murmured quietly. "A Mountie's job is never really done."
He paused, eyeing her thoughtfully. "Neither is a teacher's..." he pointed out softly. "I admire what you've been doing for all of the children around here Elizabeth. It takes a lot of courage to go on, especially after everything that's happened..."
Elizabeth's eyes drifted over to the leaping flames as she tried not to think too much about Nathan's observation, which was undeniably true. He knew her so well... And he always knew exactly what to say.
She pondered for a moment, wondering what exactly she should say to him. At last, she turned to face him, her eyes full of unguarded vulnerability.
"It's been hard..." she admitted. "I've been thinking about Jack a lot lately... And missing him... Between that and everything else, I feel like I'm reliving that pain again... And sometimes, I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep going..."
Nathan's eyes were intent and full of sympathy as he listened. He was always there to listen, and to ask the right questions. For now however, his silent, watchful gaze was enough to comfort her.
"I'm trying so hard" she went on, her voice shaking with emotion. "The children depend on me to be strong. But I'm struggling... More than I ever have..."
It was true. Apart from the fulfillment that she found in helping the children, nothing else in her life made sense. And she didn't feel strong enough to put the pieces back together.
Nathan nodded quietly, wanting more than anything to put his arm around her, but fearing that it wouldn't help. "It's okay to take your time Elizabeth..." he murmured. "Healing takes time."
A tear ran down Elizabeth's face as she looked up at him meaningfully. "I thought I had healed," she said quietly. "Turns out, I was just running... All this time, I wanted to believe I was moving forward... Now I see I was just falling back. I've neglected the most important parts of my life..."
Nathan sighed, thinking of his own romantic failures and the emptiness that he had felt while trying to make them work. He had felt empty for a long time now. And he understood what Elizabeth was feeling.
"You tried Elizabeth," he pointed out. "You opened your heart again and wanted to move on. That counts for something... "
Elizabeth shook her head. "It's not true," she confessed, ashamed. "I never gave my whole heart, even though I should have. I loved Lucas... But it was easy to love him without giving my whole heart to him. And when it came time to give myself fully to him... I couldn't do it."
Nathan's eyes didn't meet hers as he listened, trying not to let his feelings show. It was still hard to hear Elizabeth talk about her relationship with Lucas. It always had been. But her happiness was all that mattered to him, so he remained silent.
Elizabeth however, could sense his thoughts and lifted her head to face him. "I was afraid to open my heart again..." She searched Nathan's face for an answer, but his expression didn't provide one. "You tried again Nathan" she pointed out. "At least it wasn't your fault that it didn't work out..."
Nathan shook his head. "I don't know about that," he countered. "I always mess it up somehow... I tried to do it right, but Faith could sense there was something holding me back."
Elizabeth looked away, afraid to ask the question. "Did... Did you love her?" she asked timidly, trying not to show her fear of the answer.
Nathan was silent for a moment. "I don't know," he finally answered. "But maybe love isn't about feelings... Maybe it's about making it work... Even when you don't feel anything.``
Elizabeth stared at him for a moment, realizing for the first time that Nathan had never actually had feelings for Faith. She felt a pang of sadness for him in her heart, along with no small sense of relief. Deep down, she understood why the relief was so strong.
She looked at Nathan earnestly. "It's not true love if you don't feel anything" she pointed out. "I thought I could convince myself that I was deeply in love with Lucas... No matter how hard I tried, it still wasn't true... All this time, I was trying to make it work. Lucas is a good man, and he treated me well. Little Jack would have had a father figure in his life, and we would have been comfortable and well taken care of. But I didn't love him the way he deserves to be loved."
Nathan stared hard into the fire, a slight frown creasing his brow. "You weren't in love with Lucas?" he asked, mystified by what he was hearing.
Elizabeth lowered her head in shame. "There were times when I thought I was," she explained. "But my heart was never completely in it. After everything that happened with Jack, I didn't want to go through that pain again. Lucas loved me, and I thought, with time, I would learn to love him too. I didn't love him the way I loved Jack, so I knew that losing him would not break me... It just felt safer that way..."
Nathan felt his heart beating in his chest, but dared not say anything. Learning that Elizabeth did not love Lucas had completely rocked his world. Long ago, he had come to accept that she had, even if he didn't quite believe it. Elizabeth went on. "There's something you should know..." she murmured, memories flooding her mind. "When I heard that you were being held hostage... I almost fell apart. It was like I couldn't breathe. If you hadn't come home..."
"I did come home" Nathan cut her off, his eyes meeting hers once again, this time full of intensity.
Elizabeth's jaw tightened as she met his gaze. "If you hadn't come home" she repeated, slowly, "it would have destroyed me. I've already been through that pain Nathan. I cannot go through it again."
Nathan felt a renewed sense of hope and discouragement in his chest. Was this about Jack or about him? Would they ever move past this fear that was holding her back? He was beginning to despair that they would forever remain in a sort of limbo with one another.
His gaze however did not falter. "Elizabeth, what do I need to do to show you that I would never let that happen?" he asked.
Elizabeth shook her head as she struggled to get control of her emotions. "Nothing!" she cried. "You can't! No matter what you do, I'll always be afraid that someday, you won't come home!"
"Why?!"
"Because I'm in love with you!"
The silence that followed was utterly deafening. Only the crackling of the fire served to cut the tension that filled the cabin. For a long time, they were lost in each other's eyes, searching for answers. At last Nathan spoke.
"I don't know how to put your fears at ease Elizabeth" he said in a low voice. "I don't think anyone can. All I know is that my feelings have not changed. They never will."
Elizabeth saw that his blue eyes glistened with tears. Her own smarted as she fought to keep her tears back. "I'm afraid of losing you Nathan" she whispered brokenly. "If I lost you..."
Nathan reached up and ran his finger tips through her hair so lovingly that she almost forgot where she was or what she had said. "I understand," he murmured. "You know more than anyone what it's like to lose... Elizabeth, I can't make any promises about what might happen..."
Elizabeth nodded tearfully. "I know" she managed to squeak. "This fear... I don't think it will ever go away. But I've let it dictate my life and my decisions since Jack died. I know what's in my heart, I just need the strength to follow..."
Nathan smiled softly. "You're the strongest person I know," he whispered. "It's one of the reasons why I love you."
A faint smile slowly crept over Elizabeth's face, despite her tears. "Well, I don't feel strong," she admitted. "I used to be."
Nathan's smile gave her strength. "You still are," he murmured. "Even if you don't feel like it..."
Elizabeth looked into Nathan's eyes and felt his gentle strength slowly taking her fear away. He had been her rock so many times, even after she had broken his heart. He was here now, once again giving her strength. And for the first time, she felt a calm within her, knowing that he would always be there, no matter what. Why did she continue to push him away? Was he the answer to her emptiness and pain?
"Nathan..." she whispered, a little breathlessly. "I..."
Before she could finish, she lost the words she wanted to say. Instead, she felt herself leaning closer to him, like a magnet drawn to metal. She sensed him reciprocating the action as the firelight flickered against his face. He was so close, yet she needed him closer. Instinctively, they reached out to one another and kissed.
The instant their lips met, Elizabeth felt the crippling fear in her heart melt away. She loved him. She needed him. Everything that had been missing from her life was right here in front of her. It was Nathan. Her Nathan. It had always been him. Reaching up, she cupped his face with her hand as their kiss deepened.
With the kiss, Elizabeth felt as though the hollowness in her chest had been filled with the love and longing she had for the man before her. His quiet strength was the balm that her grieving heart so desperately needed. And she knew he needed her too.
Why had she waited so long to let him in?
When they parted at last, their eyes met, and their faces glowed with happiness. Nathan felt a warmth within him that he had never quite experienced before. It was love; a love so intense that he was overwhelmed.
There was no fear in her eyes anymore. Only that beautiful sparkle that he had fallen in love with love ago. For a time it had disappeared, though his love had remained. Now that lively shine had returned to her eyes, causing him to fall even deeper in love. His Elizabeth... Dare he call her his?
Elizabeth saw the emotions playing across his face, sensing the awe and admiration he felt for her. As for herself, she distinctly felt two things; love and gratitude for the man in front of her.
"You are such a gift to me Nathan Grant" she whispered, taking both his hands in hers without lowering his gaze. "I love you, with my whole heart."