CHAPTER THREE
Leaving Mandalay Bay
The guys exit down a flight of stairs and Ari gets annoyed after hearing something on his hand clink against the railing for a considerable amount of time. His urge is to immediately throw it as far away as possible but he resists because of the weird feeling that this might be a key piece of the puzzle.
"Oh, my God…" He stops in his tracks, staring at his hand.
"What now?" Iggy turns around, annoyed. Ari just shows him the 'what' in question; a giant buttugly unicorn ring. It completely flies over his head. "Cool ring. I guess."
Curious as to why he was many feet ahead of everyone else, Nick walks back to the others. Ari shows him the ring, and his eyes get as big as saucers.
"Oh my God…oh.my.God…"
"Big deal. Ari has a ring. Can we go now?"
"No, I don't think you understand…" Ari shows him the ring up close. The words 'To My Noble Husband, Ari' are inscribed on the front of the gaudy ring.
"Oh…shit."
"Y e a h." Ari shakely takes the ring off his finger and Nick takes it from him, reading the inscription on the back out loud.
"Now & Forever Wedding Chapel." The guys all exchange a look. "Well, at least it's a lead…"
Ari turns to the side and throws up into the hotel's nearby greenery. People look at him, disgusted, but continue walking to their cars. This was gonna be a long day.
Nick hands a ticket to the Valet, and the guys are tense as they wait for his car to be retrieved.
"So, we go to the wedding chapel, we find out what we did with Dylan, we recover him, and we're back in LA before sundown. Sound good?" Iggy and Ari just kinda nod their heads in response.
"Check it out, some idiot threw his bed out the window last night!" Iggy points at the large mattress hanging off a sharp steeple proudly sticking out on top of the Mandalay Bay building.
"That was us, dude."
"Really?"
"Yeah, there was no bed in Dylan's room."
"Damn, okay." Iggy awkwardly stares down at his feet."You think they'll charge us for it?"
"Yeah, man, I really do." Nick sighs. Great, yet another expense to add onto their rapsheet of bills. Iggy so owed him big time.
"Guys, relax. Everything's gonna be cool…" Iggy says, but for the first time he's not totally certain that will be the case anymore.
The valet drives up to them in what was once Nick's beautiful night toned Caddy. The exterior is scratched and filthy, like it's been off-roading. The hubcaps are gone, as is the front passenger side
door. A wisp of steam trails up from under the hood. The guys just stand there, agape.
"You okay, Nick?" Ari asks him with a hand harshly squeezing his shoulder in what he thought was a 'comforting' way. Nick shrugs out of his grasp and sighs yet again. If they were playing a drinking game where the goal was to drink everything Nick signed, they'd already be blackout drunk at this point.
"I'm not emotionally prepared to talk about it just yet, Aristotle, but thank you."
"That's not my real full first nam-" Nick just ignores him, pulling on Dylan's pair of shades as he heads for the destroyed car, head down, eyes gazing at the pavement…
The guys roll down the strip in their ridiculous car. Cars full of families, cute girls, even nuns, point and stare. At this point, the guys just face forward. Each quietly suffering in their own personal Hell.
"Seriously what am I gonna say to sexxxyfox1991? We've been dating for years…" Ari shakes his head, sadly.
"Pfft- your girlfriend's name is 'sexxxyfox1991'???" Iggy can't contain his laughter. Ari pouts, crossing his arms like a young child whose mom told him to put a toy away or something. "Please tell me you're joking."
"True love is not bound by the strict confines of your personal naming conventions, Iggy." Ari says, surprising the others with how strangely articulate he sounded for once. "Or something. I don't really know what that all means but Sexxxyfox told me that stuff when we first talked."
"Your girl sounds like she might be a catfish, man." Nick says, not once tearing his eyes off the road. "Seriously, who names their daughter 'Sexxxyfox1991?' I don't even think it's legal to name your child something that stupid."
"Cat-Fish???" Ari sounds out, confused.
"It's a term for a person online who lies about their identity to other people. Y'know, like an old man who pretends to be a teen girl cuz he's a creep or something." Iggy chimes in, still reeling because of how funny that would be if it were the case.
"Well…she doesn't like me calling her or really even trying to video chat with he- OH SHIT, you guys might be right!" Ari slumps back into his seat, seriously bummed out. "Some smelly old fart probably knows all of my business now…"
"You didn't tell him your home address…did you?"
"Ummm, not sure." Nick facepalms himself.
"Dude, you could be putting all your sisters and your parents in danger because of that."
"This day just keeps getting better." Iggy stops laughing. Now severely irritated with Ari.
The gang sticks a pin in that conversation as Nick turns into the parking lot of an East Vegas strip mall. Sandwiched between a laundromat and a pawn shop, is the fuschia pink Now & Forever Wedding Chapel. He parks the Cadillac out front, scrunching his nose up in disgust at the small, tacky wedding chapel.
Inside this abomination of architecture are white plastic plants, white plastic crosses, white plastic chairs, etc. The guys couldn't help but stare at all of these horrid interior design choices.
"What if they don't remember u-"
"AAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!" Screamed a guy (presumably the owner) behind them. They turn around to see a bleach blonde, curly haired guy around their age, dressed in a sleazy white suit which was only a few purple stripes away from looking like a straight up pimp suit. On the guys name tag was the name 'Sam', who represented everything Vegas by way of Long Island. "How are you, you dumb bastards?"
He warmly hugs the guys, but because they have zero memory of him, they awkwardly hug him back.
"J.J, GET YER FAT ASS OVER HERRE! ARI AND THE BOYS ARE BACK!!!" Sam loudly calls out with his hands curled around his mouth. "You're here to pick up your wedding photos, aren't you?"
Ari starts to decline, when Iggy suddenly talks over him.
"Does the Pope wear a funny hat?! Let's do this thing!" Sam cackles and guides them to a white plastic table. Ari scowls.
"And where is Wolfy today?"
"W-Who's…Wolfy?" Ari stutters, although he has a big feeling who she might be. Sam laughs.
"Your wife, man! AWWW, you're just breaking my balls!" Ari looks physically ill. Iggy starts dying laughing again, his laughs blending into Sam's.
"Hey! What's so funny?!"
"You *wheeze* seem to *wheeze* have *wheeze* a thing for *wheeze* chicks with animal names, man." Iggy clutches at his stomach, eyes watering from how funny and absurd he thought everything was. A slight chuckle leaves Nick's mouth at this, and Ari covers his face with his hands. Embarrassed. "Hopefully she's actually a chick this time."
"Oh you bet your ass she was!" Sam clapped Ari on the back. "She was quite the looker if you ask me."
"Aweee, it was such a lovely ceremony wasn't it?" Iggy taunted, holding his two hands together in a pretend swoon.
"Why yes it was. Hand to God I ain't never seen two people more in love!"
"Weirdly enough, I actually believe you…" Nick says as J.J. finishes laying out the pictures from the night before. The guys sit down in the tacky white plastic chairs and look at them. They're typical wedding shots, only the guys are all wearing ancient Greek attire with messily wrapped togas, cute laurels pinned in their hair, strappy sandals, and even weapons from that era.They all look incredibly happy as well as incredibly drunk. Another photo has Ari and his busty brunette bride. She's having a blast in her long, flowy toga, and flower crown.
"Hello, Wolfy…" Iggy eyes her up and down at the disapproval of Nick.
"Chill man, you still have Ella waiting for you at home."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm only checking her out. Besides, Ari is the one who tied the knot with her. Not me."
"I am never…ever…drinking again." Ari rubs his temples, unsure of how he ended up with a real, non-online mate.
"What's his problem?" Iggy mumbles under his breath. "He bagged a ten out of ten and he's complaining, unbelievable."
"Well, I think it might have something to do with the fact that now he's legally binded to someone he can't remember, for probably the rest of his life." Nick rolls his eyes at Iggy, while stiffly rubbing Ari's back in what he hoped seemed at least somewhat comforting. But Ari is too busy gaping at the next photo of him and Wolfy sitting a top a unicorn (a pony wearing a lame birthday hat cone with the letters 'happy birthday' scribbled off) in the chapel (???) to notice.
"We got a unicorn?!"
"Oh, yeah, you told me to throw it in to the Galiantly Greek package." Oh no…Oh God no….
"And…how much did that cost, exactly?" Nick asks, ears perking up at the mention of this purchase.
"Seven thousand dollars." Nick closes his eyes, Iggy and Ari exchange a look; no way!
"And may I ask, whose money was spent on this…'endeavor'?" Nick asks, fingers mentally crossed that he didn't just blow all of his life's savings on a fake pony.
"Oh you don't need to worry, Ari gave me an I.O.U and said that he'd pay the cost plus interest." Sam pulls out a literal I.O.U note scribbled on on a hotel napkin. The letters were shakingly written out in what was probably a kids meal crayon and were a few strokes away from being absolute gibberish. Nick lets out a sigh of relief which seems to telekinetically transfer all of the pent up anxiety to Ari. "Which I'm still waiting for, by the way."
"Ummmmm, I'll have to get back to you on that one." Ari looks everywhere but into Sam's eyes.
"Funny thing is, you didn't even want to get it in the first place. But Iggy insisted." Sam says, not noticing how Ari's face was visibly darkening.
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!!" He screams, pouncing across the table at Iggy.
"You can't put a price tag on love! Ari! OW! You just can't!!!" Iggy is surprisingly able to hold his own against the beef cake, mostly dodging his ill aimed punches. Nick tries pulling Ari away from Iggy but he doesn't stand much of a chance against Ari's heavy, well-sculpted body.
"STOP ALL THAT FIGHTING!!!" J.J yells as she enters the room wearing a similar toga to the ones in the pictures. Her face isn't as angry as you'd expect one who just yelled at a bunch of idiot adult men, would have. In fact, right afterwards her mouth grows into a big wide grin. Her hands were occupied with a cart chock full of a few dozen boxes which she had retrieved from storage."Ahhh! I'm just busting your nuts! Good to see you, you stupid mooks!"
She rushes over to the gang and Sam for hugs. Ari and Nick force smiles, having no idea who this woman is. Iggy on the other hand, welcomes her with open arms and hugs her tightly since she pretty much saved him from Ari's wrath (albeit, momentarily).
"It's good to be seen, J.J. It's good to be seen."
"I brought the rest of your package." She says to Ari, leaving Iggy's secure embrace of gratitude. "First: Two dozen commuter mugs…"
She unpacks 24 mugs with Ari and Wolfy's photo embedded on them. Ari winces, oh God, and Iggy grabs one.
"Awww, look at the happy couple."
"Shut the fuck up."
"A hundred DVDS of the ceremony…" She lays out the many stacks of this now very outdated device on the table.
"For you and Wolfy to watch on your anniversary." Iggy snickers, the outrageousness of this situation wasn't gonna get old anytime soon for him.
"The velvet wall hanging." J.J. pulls out a six foot, blown up low quality picture of Ari and Wolfy riding a unicorn together in outer space.
"And it looks like real velvet, Ari, so no machine wash, okay?"
"And the big finish…" Iggy does a drumroll on the table, excited. "A four foot bronze shield of you and your little Mrs. kissing."
"HOLY SHIT!!!"
"DUDE, YOU HAVE A SHIELD!"
"I want a shield."
"Me too! Hey, can Nick and I get a shield?" Ari rolls his eyes.
"Please tell me there's a way to return all this stuff. There's no way I can possibly afford it."
"Um...if you know another couple who looks exactly like you guys, and who want two dozen commuter mugs, a wall hanging, and a shield...sure." Ari scowls, knowing that he's for the most part, fucked.