CHAPTER FOUR
The guys carry all of Ari's wedding crap through the strip mall parking lot and chuck it into the back of the car.
"Look on the bright side, Ari, at least we found a great clue." The gang hop into the whip, Nick starts the car.
"Yeah, turns out Dylan was in all of the wedding photos, which means -if the time stamp was right- we had him in our possession until 11 pm."
"That's another hour of the night that we can account for. Isn't that great?" Iggy says cheekily as Nick pulls out of the parking lot.
"Amazing." Ari is bitterly sarcastic, busy brooding by himself in the backseat.
"Sam also said something about the Galiantly Greek package coming with a five course wedding feast at Sbarro."
"The one over in Fremont mall?" Nick asks Iggy and he nods. "That place is a shit hole."
"I paid seven grand for Sbarro???" The more Ari learns about last night, the more disturbed he gets.
"Well technically, you didn-"
SMASH! A baseball bat shatters the windshield making the guys all jump from the shock. Nick slams on the brakes.
"What the…?!" They all look up to see two large, fat Canadian (?) men wearing maple leaf shirts with multiple inch long beards hanging from their chins.
"Get out of the car, James." Nick and Ari recoil in terror. Meanwhile Iggy just calmly stays put.
"Who are these guys!?"
"Ari, please." Iggy looks at the Canadians, feigning unfamiliarity. "I think there's been some sort of a mistake, Mister…?"
"I'm Mr. Shut The Hell Up And Get The Hell Outta The Car, and this is my associate, Mr. Smash You In The Teeth If You Say Another Word."
"Those so aren't their real names." Iggy whispers to Nick, but he's as serious as the Moon.
"Ig, don't be a dick."
"Nick, relax. These men aren't gonna hurt us. They're from Canada."
Right as he says this, the associate starts absolutely whaling at Nick's car.
"We're from Chicago, bitch! Now get outta the car!" The other guys screams, slamming his fist on the hood of the car for extra effect.
"Okay, okay! Cool it with the bat! Jesus, why is everyone trying to kill my car…?" Nick trails off as Iggy undoes his seatbelt and reaches for the door handle. The associate lowers his bat and Iggy throws the door open, right into his nuts! The huge Chicagan (?) Southsider (???) staggers back screaming 'OWWW.'
"Floor it." Iggy quickly says to Nick, slamming his door back into place. Before he could even get his seatbelt on, they were already hightailing their way outta there. The wheels squeal away more than likely leaving tire marks on the road. Nick uses his quick, cat-like reflexes to side swipe a car to the left of them. Somehow miraculously able to see around the huge spider web looking crack in the windshield.
"Why'd you do that?!" Ari says to Iggy, freaking out in the backseat.
"Really? I save your lives and that's all I get. Not even a 'thanks' or a 'thank you'???"
"Why should we, you're the one who got us into that mess in the first place." Nick says, visibly pissed as he keeps his eyes trained on the road.
"Do you think we stole something from them last night???" Ari's eyes are closed, his head in between his hands while hunched over. Paranoid.
"If that's the case, then we're so fucked on our own. I'm calling the police. This is getting way outta control-"
"No! No cops!!!" Iggy says swiftly, long arms grabbing Ari's phone from his hand.
"'No cops!?' Who are you, Fitty Cent?"
"Yeah, Ig. What's going on?"
"Nothing! I just think we should focus on finding Dylan and not get distracted by every little thing!"
"Every little thing?! We were just assaulted by two fake Canadians!"
"They knew your name, Ig. Which means they probably know who Ari and I are too." Nick tries to appear as nonchalant as possible but even he was beginning to have worry lines crease across his forehead.
"If anything ever happened to my family, Iggy…"
"Oh please, like you haven't already put them in enough danger yourself." He snorts, attempting to offset the strong feeling of guilt permeating through his body. But he eventually caves. "Fine. Let's just go back to the hotel -- Dylan is probably back from wherever he spent the night, we'll get him, we'll straighten out whatever we did to those angry fake Canadians, then we'll get the hell back to LA, okay? Turn left."
SATURDAY, 2:26 PM
The gang hurried into their yet to be touched or cleaned room, stressed.
"Dylan, Dylan!!!" They all call out, checking their phones for any new messages from him.
"No messages…" Ari looks just about hopeless at this point.
"Come on, let's toss the place." Nick says right afterwards, there wasn't any time for moping after all. Ari wades through the crap in the living room while Nick and Iggy head off to check their bedrooms.
The moment Nick enters his room he sees a sexy brunette woman snoring away on the closet floor, scantily clad in a soiled toga.
"Uhm, Ari." Nick says, slowly. Checking the woman's pulse to see if she was still alive. "Dude, I think you might wanna come in here."
"What is it? Just tell me."
"I think you should see for yourself."
"Okay, fine whatever." Ari heads into Nick's room and Iggy follows suit, not even trying to hide that he was eavesdropping on their conversation.
"Whoa…"
"Oh. My. God." Ari makes that goofy face that one kid from Home Alone makes. "You think that's what those fake Canadian dudes wanted?"
"Nah man, that's your wife." Iggy facepalms himself. It was literally so obvious. Ari looks down at her body all contorted, snoring on the closet floor, and then it finally clicks in his smooth Koala-like brain.
"O H!"
"Y e a h." They nudge him, but he doesn't budge.
"Well…wha-what am I supposed to do?"
"Wake her up, man!"
"Why me!?"
"I dunno, maybe cuz you're her spouse!"
Scowling, Ari slowly crouches down. A little scared, he lightly shakes her. Nothing. He shakes her harder.
"Pinch her tit, it always works." Iggy says, and Nick claps his hand over his mouth.
"Don't listen to him, keep doing what you're doing until she wakes up."
Ari shakes her a bit harder and with the manliest burp no one could've guessed came from this pretty girl had they not been monitoring her every move as she did it, the woman awakens. She coughs a little and looks around disoriented. Ari comically jumps back up, terrified despite being ten times stronger than this skinny, well-endowed woman.
"Dang, did I sleep in the closet again…?" Wolfy says before noticing the three guys staring down at her. She smiles, recognizing them. "Oh, hey guys. What's up?"
The guys have no idea what to say as she shakily climbs to her feet. She kisses Alan on the cheek, very intimate -- like, well, a husband and wife.
"Morning, honey…" She exits into the living room, picking at the wedgie underneath her toga. Ari is speechless.
"She seems really cool."
"Yeah, I really like her man."
Wolfy gathers her belongings -a puffy jacket, a knock-off bougie purse, her lacy black bra- as the guys file into the room.
"So, um, did you take Ari's name?"
"Yeah, are you Wolfy Batchhelder now–?"
"Listen to me. Just...did we, or did we not, have sex last night?" Ari braces, please say no, please say no...
Iggy braces, please say yes, please say yes…
"Well…ya?" Ari slumps, he had his first time last night and he doesn't even remember it. Iggy pumps his fist in the air, YES! "But we waited 'til we were married."
Ari groans, and Nick raises an eyebrow at Iggy. Unsure why he even cares so much about this stuff in the first place.
"At least tell me we used a condom…"
"It's cool, I sponge." ???
Ari leans against a wall, dizzy.
"Can someone please open a window?" Nick turns and tries to open a window. No luck.
"They don't open, sorry buddy."
"So you guys don't remember any of last night???" She takes a swig out of one of the leftover beer bottles on the coffee table and cringes when the taste of stale beer enters her mouth.
"Yeah."
"Pretty much."
"Definitely been there before. Sucks, though. The wedding was really fun. I'm bummed you don't remember it, Ari." She smiles, a little saddened.
"Dude, I think your wife is big mad at you." Iggy taunts Ari, but he just ignores him. Used to his antics by now.
"You don't happen to remember what time we met you last night, do you?" Nick takes a seat on the filthy couch, subconsciously doing the kind of pose you'd see a talk show host doing whenever they were in the middle of an actually serious interview that didn't concern overly talented kids or weight loss regimes.
"Sure, we met at the bar at like 10:00? Then we got married on my smoke break, which was like 11:00?" She takes a seat on the La-Z-Boy chair exactly parallel from Nick, knowing that this was gonna take a while.
"It's the All-American love story, isn't it? What happened next?"
"Well, I had to go back to work. But when I got off at 5:30, I met up with you guys back here."
"And was Dylan with us then?"
"No."
"Interesting…Do you have any idea where we went after the wedding?"
"No, but I bet some of my work friends do. You were partying with them pretty hard."
"Work friends?"
Using Wolfy as a navigator, the gang all make their way to Crazy Horse Gentlemen's Club. Despite being in the day time, the club was just as lively as ever with dozens of women dancing, grinding, and shimmying on poles. It wasn't Las Vegas's Most Notorious Strip Club for nothing, after all. Wolfy calmly leads them through the throbbing music, flashing strobe lights, and six stages of spinning silhouettes. The place is mobbed by avid patrons, mostly of the male variety, but there were occasionally curious women to be spotted amongst the crowd.
"Max would kill me if she ever knew I went into this place…" Nick looks around, wide eyed.
"You work here?" Ari asked, but the answer was already pretty obvious.
"Yeah -- and this is the pole where we first met!" She looks up at the strawberry blonde dancer currently spinning on the pole. "It's always been my lucky pole…"
"Look, I don't know how to tell you this, but-"
"HEY PETUNIA, CHECK THIS OUT!" She holds up a matching ring to Ari's to the stripper currently upside down on the pole. Ari sighs, unsure of how to tell this poor woman that he's not ready for marriage yet, without breaking her heart.
"Get it girl!"
"Come on, let's go meet my bridesmaids!" Wolfy grabs Ari's hand and drags him towards the stage as the others follow behind him, chuckling.
"These were my bridesmaids, Wonderful Red and Starr!" Nick blushes when he sees Wonderful Red gazing up at him with seductive cat eyes, hoping to God that they didn't do anything with each other last night. Starr is standoffish to all of them with both a resting bitch face and crossed arms to boot.
"Hey, boys! Good to see you again!"
"..."
"Oh c'mon Starr, be nice. They're practically family now!" Ari cringes when she says the word 'family.' He's way too young for all of this…
"Hi."
"That's better."
The gang try greeting them, but are soon interrupted when a spotlight finds Ari and Wolfy.
"OKAY, GUYS! LET'S GIVE A CRAZY HORSE SHOUT-OUT TO OUR HAPPY NEW COUPLE, WOLFY AND ARI!" Some greasy DJ guy up in a booth says into the PA System. The entire club cheers, as Wolfy holds up both her and Ari's left hands. Flashing their identical wedding rings while dancing around.
"Woohoo." Ari waves weakly. "Thanks."
"IN HONOR OF THEIR MARRIAGE, WE'RE DOING TWO-FOR-ONE LAPDANCES! TWO
SONGS FOR TWENTY BUCKS!!!" The club all cheers as the DJ puts on Nine Inch Nails' Closer.
"Oh my God, he's playing our song!!!" Wolfy says to Ari, giddy. " This song was playing when we met, remember?! You kept sliding twenties into my thong and saying "I will always love you. I will
always love you."
Ari closes his eyes, he's officially speed running Nick in the 'fastest one to become broke' race. If his parents knew, they would probably never give him another allowance ever again.
"Sweetie you look a little pale, are you feeling alright?" Wolfy furrows her eyebrows, concerned.
"Yep. Everything is just fine. Nothing to worry about here!" He forces a smile and thrusts two thumbs up at her. Figuring that both Nick and Iggy were a little too silent, he turns around to see that they were both gone?!
"Guys???"