CHAPTER SEVEN
The gang walk out of their booth and head for the door, still totally clueless.
"Perfect. We just told Maya we'd have Dylan home in 13 hours, and we still have no idea where he is…" Nick says as they pass a doorman on their way out who has a stamp and a UV light reader in his hands.
"Hand stamp for re-entry? Hand stamp for re-entry?" Everyone waves him off, except for Ari who shrugs. Stopping with his hand held outwards.
"Maybe we should go back to the hotel and–"
"Oh my God, guys! Look!" Ari holds his hand out underneath the UV light, revealing a bunch of stamps from clubs they were at the night before. He yanks up his sleeve to show how his entire arm was glowing with stamps. The others followed suit, and to their surprise, they all had matching arms. "It's like a map of last night!"
They guys as well as Wolfy all look at each other with long awaited hope returning to their faces.
SATURDAY, 9:10 PM
Morale is soaring high as the gang (and Wolfy who's all but blended into the background at this point) embark on yet another ride through the Vegas strip! Music is blaring, there's a cool evening breeze flowing through their hair, the once dull buildings of the day have become colorful illuminations of the night with their vibrant lights, and Nick is swaying in and out of traffic towards the first club labeled on Ari's now inked over arm.
"Nice clue, man. We might actually pull this off." Nick glances back at Ari through the interior rear view mirror before returning his eyes right back to the road. Ari smirks.
"Glad to be of servi- hey is that guy wearing Dylan's hat?!" He suddenly remarks, making Nick and Iggy look at where he's pointing. They see a man wearing an indistinctive cream colored fedora with a black band wrapped around it.
"Nahhhhh, couldn't be."
"Lots of people have hats like that, man."
"Yeah hon, you're reaching a teensy bit."
"Oh, alright." Ari pouts, and Wolfy giggles. She interlocks one of her arms with his and kisses him on the cheek. For a stripper, she was surprisingly very romantic, which Ari couldn't help but appreciate as a closet romantic himself. Iggy and Nick see the two lovebirds from the front seat and smile.
"Ella and I used to be like that." Iggy's smile turns bittersweet as he says this to Nick. "We used to always go out on dates, do PDA, all of that mushy gushy shit. And then one day, it all just sort of stopped. Now replaced with endless arguments, revolving doors of couples counseling, a non-existent sex life, and constant relationship 'breaks' they never really fix anything once we come back together."
Nick gives Iggy a look of compassion, perhaps he was being a tad too harsh on him earlier.
"I feel you man. Once you leave that honeymoon phase, it's practically life or death for any relationship." He shivers, remembering how Max once threw a suitcase full of all his stuff out of their old shared fifth floor apartment because she caught him flirting with this girl named Brigid while at work. "At this point, you need to decide if this back and forth between you and Ella is healthy for you, man. If you don't love her anymore, you should just end things instead of dragging it out. Of course, I'm not trying to sway your opinion one way or the other, but seriously think about this dude. Is what you and Ella have what you want to put up with until the day you die? Or is there something better out there for you?"
Iggy lets out a sharp breath, faced with a situation he's tried long to forget. Hell, he mainly went on this trip just so that he could get away from the Trainwreck that was his home life and his relationship. But now that Nick has so directly confronted him about it, he can no longer evade this situation.
"I should end things with her once I return." He says, feeling the cold, hard reality of that decision as he utters the last word of that sentence. "All it's doing is making us even more miserable than we already are, and plus, I've come to realize that I love the girl but I don't like her. Y'know?"
Nick nods his head at this. Even he feels as though he's having these exact same issues with Max sometimes. Sure, there were plenty of times where things were just like the way they always used to be, but it was becoming more and more apparent that his girlfriend was a lot more irritable than the average person. He's glad that she laid off on blowing up his phone during this trip, but when it comes to her, it usually ends up with her reverting back to being extra-dextra pissed at him after the fact. Nick chalked this up to her overthinking a lot, which would explain the sudden worries she'd have despite having an entire day or so to register the situation. He's trying to be patient with her, but at this point, they definitely needed to start couples therapy. Much to both of their dismay.
Anywho, the gang plus Wolfy hit up the first bar which is very plainly labeled 'GhostBar' and as they move into the bar, every single waiter, bus boy, and bartender sees them and throws up their arms. Remembering them! They show the picture of Dylan in Ari's wedding to anyone who'd look, from waiters and maitre d's to thugs, fetishists, and bikers. To their disarray, none of them knew whatever happened to him. But hey, at least the swingers invited them (as well as Dylan once they found him) into their open marriage. Which they immediately turned down, of course.
This began the start of many dead ends, and many disappointed cross offs on Ari's arm. With a repeated cycle of them entering and dispersing into a crowd of people who hugged and cheered as if they were heroes returning from a great war. It was funny at first, but now the gang we're going back to feeling hopeless.
"All right, this is the last place we went, 'Chaps.'" Ari reads out to the others as Nick rolls to a stop in front of a stereotypically southern themed all male night club with views that more than likely differed drastically from actual southern people.
"You sure we came here…?" Nick asks, as they pass by lots of buff, oiled up, tan men wearing erotic cowboy get up. The gang looks up at the marquee which read as 'CHAPS: HOME OF…'
"THE GOLDEN PONY ALL MALE REVUE?!" Ari screams as they walk through around 200, sweaty and topless dudes grinding on each other to 'Old Town Road' in their booty shorts.
"You'd think we would have remembered this…"
"Yeah, I don't think we came here."
"Then why is your underwear nailed to the wall?" Nick and Ari turn to see a pair of Batman boxer briefs pinned to a wall nearby, Nick blushes.
"That could be anybody's. Many people like Batman-"
"Oh my God, it looks like it was autographed!" Wolfy squints at the undergarment, giggling a little. And sure enough, there was Nick's signature. In all of its shaky, serial killer-esque glory. They all give him a look, flustering him even more.
"S-Shut up." He hides his face behind his hands, embarrassed. Just then, an absolute beefcake of a man showing off his tight but very round butt in assless chaps, walks by the gang. Smiling.
"Hey, guys!" He says several octaves higher than you'd expect a man of his stature to sound like. "Spike wanted me to tell you guys once y'all returned that he's waiting for you backstage!"
"Spike?!" Everybody but Wolfy says, confused. They follow this guy through the testosterone filled club, nervous.
"Stay very close to me." Ari takes Wolfy's hand in his own despite her not feeling nearly as uncomfortable as him and the others. She does go along with it though, since it's one of the first times her new hubby actually initiated skin to skin contact with her.
They guys reach the backstage area and seem to collectively gulp when they're greeted with the even more yolked male bouncer on guard duty. Despite being on edge, he unclips the crush velvet rope without even so much as asking for their names or a pass. He kisses Nick, Iggy, and Wolfy on the cheek as he lets them inside before briefly stopping Ari at the door.
"Hey man, how's your little Goblin pooch doing?"
"Oh. G-Good, thanks…?" Ari says, concerned. The bouncer nods as if that was a secret password for entry of some kind, giving Ari his customary kiss on the cheek as he lets him through.
The dressing room is filled with, shocker, even more greased up, well-bronzed, buff men. Only this time, they're as naked as the day they were born. Preparing for the next show by rubbing baby oil on every inch of their body and picking out the most revealing pairs of chaps or most ridiculous cod pieces they could get their hands on. The gang sticks ridiculously close together as if stepping outwards would suck them into the uncharted territory of y chromosomes and a severe lack of estrogen.
"Excuse me, man, but do you happen to know of a guy named 'Spike?'" Iggy asks a random dancer, attempting to not stare at his humongous genitalia. The guy's eyes light up with recognition.
"Oh, hey, Ig!" Iggy cringes a little at the overfamiliar mention of his other nickname. "Spike's over there."
The male dancer points to this incredibly hot, (as well as incredibly naked) guy with curly jet black hair which greatly contrasted with his pale periwinkle orbs. Which is all to say that he looks nothing like who you'd expect to go by 'Spike' minus the fresh from your local Hot Topic spiked collar he wore instead of the typical red, white, or blue bandanas the others wore around their necks which actually made sense for the cowboy theme. Spike notices them once they reach a few feet within his vicinity and his resting stoic face melts into a warm smile.
"Hey, guys!"
"H-Hey…" They all respond anxiously, wondering if what they were going to learn about last night would be life-altering enough to forever change how they viewed their sexual identities up until this point.
"I didn't expect y'all to come back so soon." He embraces them in a hug, which the others reluctantly receive.
"Well, neither did we." Nick says, immediately getting to the point. "To be honest, we don't even remember coming or leaving here."
"Awhhhh, you guys don't remember last night?" Spike pouts, and the guys stiffen. "We had so much fun!"
"Oh. My. God."
"…"
"Um…care to fill us in on this 'fun' we had?" Iggy asks as his mind unintentionally wanders to the smuttiest scenarios ever, ripped straight out of every porn addicted degenerate's search history (or wifi bill, depending on if they use incognito mode). "Did we…do anything?"
"Well duh, yeah?" The guys all freeze as Wolfy tries to restrain the laughter steadily creeping out of her throat. "I'm not usually into doing group stuff but you guys all insisted."
???
"For your first time, you guys actually did a pretty good job." Wolfy adds as Spike nods. "Others in the club were so impressed, in fact, that they even wanted to join in."
"..."
"No way…"
"Wolfy, at least tell me you were involved in the 'fun' with us." Iggy pleads, earning a swift elbow in the chest from a seriously pissed off Ari. At this, Wolfy and Spike burst out laughing. Making the others go from 'straight' (hehe) miserable to completely confused in a matter of seconds.
"Guys, we're kidding." Wolfy says, giving Spike a high five. "Or as J.J says it, 'we're just busting your nuts.'"
The gang exhale a sigh of relief but don't join in on Wolfy and Spike's laughter.
"Not cool, dudes, not cool." Iggy says, crossing his arms.
"So what did happen last night?" Nick asks, before the conversation got too far from their original purpose for starting it.
"Oh, well, you guys came in near the end of our last set, like 2ish. Dylan pretty much dragged you in."
"Really? Dylan did?" Ari asks, ears perking up.
"Oh no, my Dylan, not your Dylan. Mexican guy, fly haircut?" The guys raise an eyebrow, perplexed. "He's a cake designer, he said he
met you guys at some sort of birthday party at the Rio?"
"The guy from the Robert Chu surveillance video." Iggy says as he snaps his fingers. The guys make a sound of recognition.
"Anyway, for the big finale of our show, we always bring someone on stage, and, well, you three volunteered pretty aggressively." They all blush as Spike signals to a nearby dancer. "Hey, Gary, do we have the video of last night's show?"
"Yeah, it's on YouTube." The trio cringe. "Just search up 'Yassified and Assified: These str8 boi's sure know how to dance!' and it should come up."
"Thank you, Gary." Spike searches the video up on his Roku TV's YouTube station and types in the ridiculous title.
"Why does the title for this video sound like a softcore porno???" Spike just hums, not even dignifying Iggy's question with an answer."Also, don't tell me I showed my ass to the world for free…"
"'fraid so, buddy, afraid so." Spike presses play on the video, which just so happened to be the first one that popped up. It was uploaded a little over an hour ago and already had a few thousand views. The gang takes a deep breath and brace themselves for what is about to come on the screen. "You guys were pretty mellow at first, but once we got you into the chaps, you really came alive-- oh, here it is."
Spike fast forwards to the part where the guys already took off their shirts, put on stereotypical cowboy hats, wrapped the club's signature bandanas around their necks, got changed into a pair of 'I LUV SPIKE' g-strings and assless chaps. Just barely submitting to YouTube's community guideline requirements. Minus Ari, compared to the other guys on stage, Nick and Iggy were a lot paler, as well as much leaner than the greased hairless young studs primed for this line of work.
"I can't really afford a gym membership, so I-I don't get to the gym as much as I'd like…" Video Iggy says, attempting (but still failing) to hide his long-ass, covered in strawberry blonde hair, skinny torso with his hat. His face is flushed from drinking and his pale chicken legs are pointing inwards as if he were pigeon-toed. Wolfy and the others giggle at this.
"Awwwwww dudeeeee, you look so cuteeeeeee." Nick mocks, and Iggy punches him in the arm.
"S-SHADDUP!" He says, blushing much like he was in the video.
"And Nick, you taught us The Pony Congo line, which we had never heard of before…" Spike gestures at the TV where Nick gets on all fours with his ass raised high and signals at everyone to get on their knees and grind on the backside of the person in front of them. Now it was Nick's turn to blush. Iggy and Ari look away, not sure they could handle watching themselves grind on each other or other dudes. "It was so good, in fact, that we might use that dance move for years to come. Hence why we also wanted your autograph, since you're now practically a Golden Pony legend."
"..."
"MY EYES!!!"
"Remind us to never get drunk ever again…"
"Oh c'mon guys, you're being dramatic." Wolfy rolls her eyes at them. "Besides, y'all totes slayed!!!"
"Exactly!" Spike exclaims, turning off the video. "Anyway, I hope that clears up some of your confusion guys."
"Well, I guess it did. Somewhat." Nick sighs, raking a hand through his hair. "What time did all of this happen?"
"Around 4:30 in the morning? 4:45, maybe?"
"And was our Dylan still with us around this time???"
"Yeah, he had passed out by then but you carried him out. It was all very Officer And A Gentleman." The guys look at Spike, puzzled.
"Wait, so we left with Dylan at 4:45, we got back to the hotel at 5:00, and Dylan was gone by 5:30 when Wolfy met back up with us?" Nick makes a 'thinking face', trying to piece all of the known information together into a solid timeline. "That doesn't make any sense."
"Did we lose him along the way?" Ari asks nobody in particular.
"He was passed out, how far could he have gone–?" Just then, Iggy's phone rings with 'MANDALAY BAY' as the caller ID. He answers the phone.
"Hello?"
"Mr. Griffiths?" Norbit? Nolan? Some guy who Iggy forgot the name of responds on the other end of the call. He snaps his fingers trying to think of the name.
"Hello….?"
"Norman, my name's Norman. Remember? I was on duty the day you walked into the hotel."
"The receptionist???"
"Yes."
"Okay…um…why are you calling me?"
"Well, I thought you might like to know that one of our guests just found your friend, Dylan, passed out inside the Dean Martin suite." Everyone's jaw drops.
"What?! Are you sure it's him?!"
"I saw him with my own two eyes. He's unconscious but still breathing."
"Thanks, Norb- Norman! You seriously don't know how much of a life saver you are!!!" Iggy hangs up, overjoyed. "Dylan is in the room! Somebody found him! He's passed out, but he's okay!"
"They're sure it's him?!"
"Nolan swears it is!" The guys all laugh, a massive weight lifted.
"Oh thank God he's okay…" Ari heaves out a sigh of relief, a relaxed hand resting atop his pecs.
"After all this, he was in our room?!" They continue laughing, gathering into a big group hug. Wolfy and Spike included.
Wolfy and the guys give their final goodbyes and leave Chaps with their very own pairs of assless chaps, cowboy hats, as well as many other Golden Pony related merch.
"How we doing on time?" Nick asks as they get into his clunker. It's truly a miracle that the police haven't pulled them over for the car's borderline faulty hardware.
"It's 2:22." Iggy says, glancing at the clock on his lock screen. "We'll be in LA by dawn. I told you bitches this would all work out."
Nick fires up the engine, and they drive off into the night. Collectively grinning.