7th December 2019
I overheard a pretty deep conversation between Beck and Jade today. It was one of those conversations I could tell had been a long time coming and a long time put off.
Jade's been doing really well lately and hasn't been in treatment in over a year. She's been building back up her songwriting career and working on her debut novel. I don't want to say that the last twelve months have been easy, because recovery never is, but it's certainly been a smoother transition into living together than either of us expected.
I'd been on conference calls all evening with my agent and it was almost 7 pm when I finally got out of my office and came downstairs. Beck was over for our monthly movie night and he and Jade were hanging in the lounge waiting for Andre to arrive. The two of them had been bickering and messing around when I went up for my meeting so I really wasn't expecting to return to such a deep conversation.
"You don't have to answer this, but do you know when it started?"
Beck looked as if he was doubting if he really should ask this. Even I held my breath. This was a sensitive subject, to say the least.
"You really want to delve into my twisted brain?" Jade questioned him with a note of surprise.
"Only if you're okay talking about it."
"I mean yeah, I'm okay with it," Jade reassured him. "I have unpacked this with multiple shrinks, your mom, Tori. But why do you want to know this?"
"It's just not something you've ever spoken to me about before and I was there for a lot of it." Beck shrugged.
"I think everyone thinks if they resolve my childhood trauma that suddenly all my problems will disappear. As if it were that simple." Jade sighed, looking doubtful. "Are you sure you want to hear this?"
"Try me," Beck replied.
Their eyes met, both of them seeming nervous. Their relationship is a complicated one, to say the least. They're technically exes but none of us actually see them like that. They grew up together and went through the entire development of Jade's eating disorder together. Ultimately, and most importantly they are best friends. This conversation, however, would encroach on relationship territory which is probably why it had taken them this long to actually talk about it. Jade cleared her throat.
"Um, well, after mom died. I think I went into a state of shock. I wasn't as sad as I thought I should be."
"Yeah, I remember you didn't cry."
"I suppressed my feelings and my appetite went along with them. The thought of eating made me feel physically sick."
Beck already looked solemn. I could tell this wasn't going to be easy or pleasant for him to hear.
"The funeral came and went and life never really stopped. I tried to get back to normal but I was really missing mom. I still couldn't believe she was actually dead and I even missed my dad - as useless as he was. If he could just have made the effort to see us once a week or something, that might have helped, but obviously he didn't. I know, he was going through his own shit back then but I felt abandoned."
"There is no excuse for how he handled that situation, Jade. He should have been there for you and the twins." Beck pointed out. Jade just shrugged.
"I started to feel like, I couldn't feel things properly anymore. Like my brain wasn't letting me feel anything. I knew I should be sad or angry or something but I just wasn't. I tried to explain this to people and everyone kept telling me it would get better but it didn't it just got worse. I was so numb, Beck." She took a deep breath and continued. "I was only eleven so I didn't know what depression was. I just knew something was wrong with me but it's like, no one expected me to be okay after what happened so it was fine."
"I remember everyone complimenting you on how strong you were and how you were such a good big sister. Even I could tell you weren't really able to process it."
"It felt like, I couldn't let go because I needed to be the dependable older sister. And god, I love your mom. She did more for us than she ever needed to and I'm so grateful but I was painfully aware that life was never going to be the same again."
Beck smiled sadly.
"It took a few months before it finally hit me and when it did, it was fucking hard. I wanted to go back to feeling nothing because feeling like this was so much worse."
Jade stopped and took a breather, the memory clearly painful. Beck shuffled along the couch and wrapped an arm around her in comfort.
"You okay?" Beck checked in. Jade nodded.
"I don't know if you can remember this but there was a week when your mom literally had to spoon-feed me because I was too heartbroken to eat. I just stayed in bed crying and wishing the pain would stop."
"I do remember it. It was probably one of the first times I think I felt love towards you. I just wanted to see you and hug you. And because my mom wouldn't let me in, I would sit outside your room and just listen to you crying. It kind of broke my twelve-year-old heart."
"Beck-" Jade closed her eyes as tears splashed out of them and rolled down her cheeks. Beck rubbed her arm.
"It's true. I didn't know how to help but I remember vowing to myself that I'd do whatever it takes to make you smile again."
Jade laughed and laid her head on his shoulder and they sat in silence for a couple of minutes.
Eventually, Jade stood up to get tissues and wipe her eyes. Beck ran a hand through his hair stressfully while he waited for her to come back.
"Sorry, back to your question," Jade sat back down on the couch, dabbing her eyes with the tissue.
"Jade, you don't need to keep going if it's too painful..."
"I'm okay, I promise. Honestly, it's good for me to let it out sometimes."
"Alright, but if you want to stop at any point just stop okay?" Beck insisted. "You don't need to explain this to me." Jade nodded.
"So, when your mom finally convinced me to get out of bed, she took us two out for the day. We went shopping and to the movies. Do you remember that?"
"Yeah, I remember that day."
"I think your mom just wanted me to be a kid again for a change so she let us loose and we were allowed whatever we wanted. I stuffed myself with junk food, popcorn and ice cream and I felt so horrible and so guilty. I just kept thinking, how could I possibly eat and enjoy myself when my mom was dead? I didn't think I deserved to be happy. So in the middle of the movie, I went to the bathroom and puked and it made all the feelings disappear."
Beck nodded, frowning as he processed that piece of information. I presume he had a very different memory of that day and it was always hard to hear when Jade talked about some of the unhealthy coping mechanisms she had used, even as a child
"I don't know why doing that has that effect on me and I wish it didn't..." Jade sighed, "I guess after that I realised restricting and purging hurt less than feeling my feelings. And feeling hungry gave me something to focus on other than my grief. Does that make any sense?"
"It does. It is really sad though." Beck admitted.
"I started losing weight and I felt like I finally managed to gain control over something in my life. And that was enough for a while, until we moved out of your house and into my dad's and then obviously it got a lot worse."
"That's around when you and I started dating," Beck pointed out. I knew from previous conversations with him that this was one of his biggest fears, that their relationship had somehow caused the eating disorder or exacerbated it. I knew Jade didn't feel the same way though.
"It is, but I was already set in my ways by then. You being my boyfriend was literally the only good thing going on in my life," she reassured him. Beck smiled sadly.
"Then what happened?"
"My dad didn't know any better, so I could starve myself much more easily than I could when your mom was watching over me. I would try to go as long as possible without eating. And if I slipped up, I would purge it all away anyway. I stopped eating breakfast and dinner and I only ate lunch at school because I knew I needed to eat something in front of you to keep you from getting suspicious."
"I think I figured it out anyway,"
"You did?" Jade looked surprised this time.
"You were discreet but I paid attention. I'm sorry I didn't do anything about it." Beck looked down guiltily.
"There wasn't anything you could have done. Even if you'd tried to intervene it would have just driven us apart and I needed you back then, more than you know."
"I just don't think I understood how "not normal" your eating was at first. I thought you were just really fucking sad about your mom."
"I guess at first I was and then it became an obsession and then eventually it became psychosis. It took me a long time to admit I didn't control it and it controlled me."
"So it was never about body image?"
"I mean, no that's not true. I fucking hated my body. I felt like I was huge and fat and disgusting. I wanted to be skin and bones. I lost as much weight as I physically could but it still wasn't enough. I know my brain wasn't working properly at that point because I even convinced myself that there were calories in water so I would avoid drinking if I could."
"It used to kill me inside, seeing you put yourself through all that."
"I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to suffer but I never wanted you to."
"I know. I think I realised you weren't well once we were a bit older. Even then, you didn't seem to see how bad it was."
"I knew I had a problem, I just didn't want to admit it to anyone. I eventually accepted that you had to know about it because we were so close. So I told you just enough to keep you from telling your mom about it."
"I tried to diagnose you a couple of times but you wouldn't have it."
"I know. I didn't want you to put a name to the illness and start researching it."
"It's funny hearing you say that because I would spend hours researching it online. You have no idea."
"Beck, I'm so sorry. It was your childhood too and I feel awful that I took a piece of your innocence away from you."
"You didn't. I was just very worried about you."
"You know none of this is your fault right?"
"I guess so. For a long time, I felt guilty and that I should have stepped in before you got to the stage where you were physically sick. I can't say I don't regret not intervening sooner."
"Please don't feel guilty, you have absolutely no reason to. If anything, you helped me by being there for me and keeping me going. Reminding me that there were people who actually cared about me."
"Yeah, until we broke up. I have to ask this, did that make you relapse?" Beck asked the question I knew had been bothering him for years. Something I myself had accused him of back at the time. Jade looked thoughtfully at him.
"I'm not going to say no because that would be a lie but I was easily triggered back then, you know that," Jade admitted softly.
"I'm really sorry," Beck apologised poignantly.
"You don't need to be. I love you but we were not a good couple. We were actually voted the worst couple if you remember?" Jade chuckled, comforting him back.
"Well, you're lucky that Tori wouldn't let you get away with it as easily as I did." Jade shrugged.
"I had completely lost it by the time Tori and I started dating. I wasn't able to hide my disordered behaviour from her or you or anyone anymore. The voice in my head was louder than any of you guys. I can't actually remember a lot from around the time we first got together because all I could think about was food and losing weight."
"That is really, really sad."
"It's okay, we've made up for it. But I guess that's it. Is that what you expected? I know it's fucked up."
"It's hard to hear, but listening to it from your perspective, it kind of makes it make sense."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you for talking to me about this. It's played on my mind for years. If I could have done anything differently-."
"Beck, I don't think anyone could have stopped me. I was determined and borderline insane. I once slapped a mental health nurse for giving me toast with butter on it for god's sake."
Beck raised an eyebrow.
"She was pissing me off that day." Jade justified, "But what I'm trying to say is, there wasn't anything you could have done to change what happened so don't go thinking like that."
"It's complicated," she sighed. "It's not like I hear voices exactly. I hear my own voice and I have disordered thoughts. In the past, I've fixated on those thoughts because they distract me from facing reality and it's a slippery slope. I still have those thoughts but I try to distance them from myself by telling myself that it's not me. Sort of like having an abusive partner in your head who wants to kill you. But at the end of the day, I am the voice. I am the one who tells myself to starve. "
"But why?"
"I truly, honestly, do not know," Jade explained with a defeated sigh. "But I appreciate you for standing by me all these years, through all the shit I put you through."
"I don't always know what to say or how to help but I'm not going anywhere," Beck assured her.
"Come here," Jade pulled him into a tight hug. The two old friends held each other for a long time, both of them needing comfort. As I said, this conversation should have happened years ago and I was glad it finally had.
At that exact moment, Andre let himself in the front door. A six-pack of beer in hand and he hollered hello. I ran quickly into the hall and grabbed him, pulling him into the kitchen.
"What's going on?" Andre questioned.
"They're finally talking about the past."
"They're what now?" Andre looked very confused. I rolled my eyes
"Just, leave them alone."
"Leave who alone?" Jade sauntered into the kitchen, kissing me on the cheek. Beck followed closely behind her. Both of them had red eyes but were pretending everything was fine. Andre looked between the two of them suspiciously.
"Alright, I'm not even gonna ask. Beck, beer?" Andre broke the tension, throwing him a can. Beck caught it gratefully.
"Vega?"
"No, I'm good, I'm up early."
"West?"
"Have you met me?" Jade shoved him lightly, pouring herself a glass of ice water from the fridge.
"One of these days, Jade.." Andre teased her.
"Yeah, keep dreaming," Jade smirked standing next to me. I wrapped an arm around her waist.
"Alright, let's start this movie night." Beck led Andre back into the living room. I hung back and looked at Jade. I was relieved to see she seemed fine.
"Are you okay? I overheard some of what you were talking about," I admitted sheepishly.
"Yeah," Jade exhaled. "I don't know where that came from."
"I think you guys needed that chat."
"Yeah." Jade nodded, "I feel lighter."
"Good," I stroked her arms softly. "I love you."
"I love you more." Jade kissed my lips before we both followed the boys into the living room. I hope that conversation cleared some of the unresolved tension from the past and they can both let go of any unnecessary emotions they were holding onto.