1st August 2023

No one warns you when you recover from an eating disorder - that the people you meet along the way - who keep you going through the worst of it - the very few people who actually understand how it feels - that not all of them will make it.

Amy was one of those people. She was one of a small group of people that Jade actually chose to stay in touch with from inpatient. Most of the others had either cut her off when she relapsed or vice versa. It was easier that way. But Amy never left.

"What's wrong?" I confronted my wife later that night. She seemed distracted and had been unusually quiet all evening. She picked at her dinner, barely managing a couple of bites, which for obvious reasons alarmed me. And she retreated to her office as soon as we put Ollie down for the night.

I leant against the edge of her desk and folded my arms looking at her with concern. She could barely meet my eyes.

"Um, Amy has died," she told me quietly. I froze, taking a moment to process what she was saying.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry. You should have told me," I struggled to find the words to convey how I was feeling. Shocked? Sadly, not. Amy's health - both physical and mental had been in decline for some time now. Amy had been recovering from anorexia almost all her life. There were very few times that I could remember her at a healthy weight. But I knew how important she was to Jade.

"I'm sorry, I'm still processing this."

I wrapped my arms around my wife in support, letting her lean against my chest in sadness.

"How did it happen?" I asked, slightly afraid to find out.

"Heart attack," Jade answered simply.

I sighed. This was my fears confirmed. It was the way many of the girls in Valewood went in the end. Amy wasn't the first and wouldn't be the last.

"I guess we should have expected it. She wasn't a bit well towards the end," Jade shrugged.

"Still, she was only thirty," I sympathised, tucking a strand of hair behind Jade's ear.

"I know," Jade looked down. "Fuck."

A single teardrop splashed down her cheek which she promptly wiped away. I sighed, running my hands down her arms.

The last time I saw Amy, she was over at the house and immediately, I could tell she was struggling. Her cheeks were sullen and her hair was thin.

She was sitting on the sofa, holding Olivia in her arms while Jade made everyone coffee and I noticed that holding the baby was becoming painful for her - she simply didn't have the arm muscle.

I remember sitting down next to her and offering to take Ollie and the relief washing over her that I'd noticed.

"Are you alright?" I asked quietly, not wanting to draw Jade's attention.

"Same old shit. I'll be fine," she replied deflatedly. She was wearing about three layers of clothes and she was trembling. I reached out and gently placed my hand in her cold and bony one.

"If you need help please let me know. You need to eat sweetie. Don't tell yourself anything different."

She smiled sadly.

"Jade is really lucky to have someone like you."

It didn't shock me when Jade told me a few weeks later that she'd been hospitalised and tubed again. She was in and out of Valewood like a revolving door.

I left Jade to be for a while as she told me she wanted to be alone. I knew she probably wanted to write and release some of the pain into pages. And although it was hard to leave, I understood. So I went back downstairs and called Andre for a catch up.

Around 10pm, I heated up some lentil soup for supper. I've learned through the years that liquid meals are almost always easier so I poured the soup into two of our favourite mugs for us to sip and took them back upstairs.

Jade was already in bed when I entered the room. I held the mug of soup out to her.

"I'm not hungry," Jade folded her arms.

"It's not optional," I shrugged, forcing her to take it from me. I sat down next to her on the bed and both of us sipped at the soup.

After a while, Jade placed her mug on the bedside table and buried herself in the covers next to me. I followed her lead and did the same. She closed her eyes and I pressed my forehead against hers.

"What are you thinking right now?" I asked curiously.

"That I'm truly, a terrible person," Jade admitted.

"No, you are not," I replied sharply.

"I am. I encouraged her. I helped her get this way and she died!" Jade shook her head, clearly distressed. I sighed, trying to empathise with her.

"I know in the past, you competed with each other-"

"It was more than that, we shared everything, Tori. It was so fucked up. I used to send her stupid, irresponsible weight loss tips even though she was fucking tiny and I feel so fucking guilty." Jade broke down, tears pouring down her cheeks.

If I was honest, their relationship used to scare me. I knew they used to encourage each other. I'd seen the thinspo and I'd read the diet challenges. It was textbook really.

"You can't undo the past. You were ill, she was ill."

"That's not an excuse," Jade shook her head.

"No it's not. But you didn't do it when you were well," I pointed out.

"Of course not."

"And you supported her and encouraged her to weight restore for the last four years, I know you did." I reminded her.

"It didn't help though did it."

"I think it helped more than you realize," I disagreed. "You can't force someone to recover. You of all people should know that."

"It's not fair. I shouldn't have survived mine. I shouldn't be here!" Jade wailed, "Why did she have to die? She didn't deserve to die!"

I used to be afraid that Amy would say something to Jade and set her back down that path, especially in the earlier days of Jade's recovery. But as the years went by, I realised I didn't have to worry. Amy became Jades biggest advocate and I witnessed the switch from them encouraging weight-loss to just encouraging each other to be healthy. In fact, when Jade was last hospitalised, back when she was twenty-three, Amy was the first person yelling at her to get back on track.

Jade had tried relentlessly to convince Amy to leave her disordered ways behind. She tried to show her how much better life was at a healthy weight and I think Amy knew deep down that she was right. But she just couldn't seem to make that final push and I could tell she was never fully committed to recovery.

"She had so much life still to live," Jade sniffed, biting her lip. "She fought it till the end."

"She did," I agreed regretfully. Amy's demons never seemed to go away long enough for her to get on top of them. She was too preoccupied by food and weightloss to find a job or a relationship or travel. She never experienced life to its true potential.

"I know this is no comfort, but she won't be in any pain anymore," I stroked Jades cheek softly. "No more fighting, no more hospitals, just peace."

Jade closed her eyes and cried weakly into my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and held her, just letting her feel her feelings.

It was a rough night and I know Jade will feel sad and guilty about this for a long time. I just hope the guilt doesn't consume her as it was never her fault. It's the disease. It was always the disease.

AN: Sorry for the lack of jori in these recent updates! When I wrote them, I wasn't really considering the main relationship but more how Jade interacted with the other characters in the story. Tori is obvs still there, she is the pov and Jade's significant person 3 ultimately though, this is a jade-centric fic but I am going to add some fluffy jori chapters soon.

Also, I wrote she is the sunlight in 2014 so I did not know about covid19! I am just very lucky that I timeskipped most of 2020! :') I'm just not going to address it tbh maybe just pretend it never happened lol.