Bobby's 12 gifts of Christmas
Roberto Santiago, known affectionately by his friends and family as 'Bobby', and by his loving girlfriend Lor Loud as 'Boo-boo Bear' was pacing up and down the room of his house that he lived in with his little sister Ronalda, or Ronnie Anne as she preferred, and their mother Maria, a nurse at the hospital who was often away at work. It was the Christmas season and he was stuck on what to get Lori, as it was their first Christmas as a couple. Hearing the pacing from downstairs, Ronnie Anne poked her head through the bedroom door.
"Bobby, don't sweat it. I'm sure whatever you get for her, she'll love," Ronnie Anne assured.
"It has to be good, something that shows I care about her a lot," Bobby replied.
"Well, if you stay up here any longer, the stores will all be shut, and you won't be able to get her anything," Ronnie Anne responded. Bobby then looked at his watch and realised that it was nearly closing time for all the stores in town, and so he booked it to the mall. But once he got there, the perfect Christmas gift idea still eluded him.
"Oh, man, what do I do now?" Bobby groaned. It was then that the song 'Twelve Days of Christmas' started playing over the tannoy system. When Bobby heard about all the gifts listed in the song, he then imagined himself getting all those things for Lori, and how she would receive them
On the first day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree
"Oh, Boo-boo Bear, I just love the partridge in a pear tree. My dad is already planning Christmas dessert with the fruit and Walt is taking a liking to the partridge. We planted the tree itself in the back yard. Mum always talked about planting a tree there, and now she finally has one. Thank you so much, Boo-boo Bear," Lori said gratefully.
On the second day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
"Two turtle doves! They're beautiful, just like the partridge. The fact that they're male and female only symbolises us even more. It's like they are us in bird form. Lana helped them build a nest in the pear tree next to the one where Walt and the partridge shacked up. The songs they sing are heavenly. Thanks again, Boo-boo Bear," Lori relayed.
On the third day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
"Three French hens? Still going with the birds? Well, Mum built them a coop to settle in and they're already laying eggs, which Dad is incorporating into his recipes. The clucking can get a little loud, but this is the Loud House, so we're used to it. Plus, it's like we're on a farm, without the smell. Thanks for saving us money on eggs and pears, Boo-boo Bear," Lori updated.
On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
"While I am touched by these gifts, Boo-boo Bear, you simply must stop with the birds. The calling birds have been mimicking Luna's music and by golly it gets loud, even for this place. The racket is drowning out the heavenly bird song coming from the ones outside. Could any future gifts not have wings? Please?" Lori requested.
On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
"Five golden rings? However did you afford these? Don't get me wrong, they're lovely, but I don't want you bankrupting yourself for little old me. Tell me the truth; is one of these an engagement ring? Because while I would be on board, I doubt our parents would let us get married when we haven't finished high school yet. Don't be offended if I only wear one, because I had to hide the other four from Lola. You know how she gets around jewellery. Nice change of pace from the birds," Lori updated.
On the sixth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
"We're back to the birds, I see. It is fortunate that Lana and Lucy were able to dig up enough space to build a small lake for them to swim in, but now our back yard has no room for us to use. Still, it looks nice, and the geese seem peaceful, although if they lay their eggs here, we might not have enough room for them. Please, stop with the birds," Lori insisted.
On the seventh day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
"It seems I wasn't clear enough when I said 'no more birds' so let me repeat; NO MORE DANG BIRDS! The swans and the geese have been fighting all day and Lana has three broken bones trying to break them up! The racket is so loud Mr. Grouse has led all the other neighbours in a petition to evict us! Send us one more bird, and I'll send you on the next flight to Australia!" Lori threatened.
On the eighth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
"To be honest, I would've preferred the birds to this. Those maids didn't have anything to milk, so they brought cows over from Hunnicut Farms, and now Liam and his meemaw are taking us to court for theft of property. The cows have been leaving their pies for us all over the lawn, the pond birds still won't shut up and now we're dealing with four noise complaints! What has gotten into you, Boo-boo Bear?" Lori wailed.
On the ninth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
"Bobby, why, I repeat, WHY did you think it was a good idea to send your GIRLFRIEND nine ladies dancing?! They're so starved for male attention they've been chasing Lincoln all night long. He's had to hide out at Clyde's to escape their clutches and avoid being seen. He's scared he'll end up in another JaviSuzumiya comic! Five of my siblings are plotting to murder you, Lola wants to cut your nuts off, and my parents are considering getting a restraining order out on you! STOP WITH THESE GIFTS, BOO-BOO BEAR!" Lori yelled.
On the tenth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
"Is this your way of apologising for the nine ladies?! Those so-called 'lords' have been bonking the ladies and the maids ALL FRICKIN' DAY! The neighbours are convinced we're running a brothel and have since gone to the cops! My parents are scared we'll be raided and arrested at any time! When they get here, I'll be sure to tell them just exactly who sent these 'loving gifts'. You can't see this right now because I'm speaking to you on the phone, but I'm giving you the finger! Up yours, Bobby!" Lori raged.
On the eleventh day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
"JUST. GREAT! Those eleven pipers and the calling birds have whisked Luna away to be a part of their travelling band, but not before making such a huge racket on the way out! The house is over-run with birds and the cows have run out of room to leave their pies in, so they've started going on the living room carpet. The pear tree's dead, the pond's teeming with algae and we haven't been able to find Lily anywhere! Lincoln might never be able to speak again! I speak on behalf of my family when I say…..GO FUCK YOURSELF, BOO-BOO BEAR!" Lori ranted.
On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Twelve drummer drumming
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
Bobby then received a letter through the mailbox. It read as follows:
Dear Roberto Santiago
This letter is to inform you that your gift of twelve drummers drumming was unable to reach the address of 1216 Franklin Avenue. The building in question has been condemned by the council for overcrowding and poor living conditions. The individual to whom you attempted to send this gift, one Lori Loud, has been committed to a mental health clinic owing to the total destruction of her sanity. Should you attempt to contact Ms. Loud directly at Royal Woods Sanitorium, the attendees have instructions to shoot you on sight. Additionally, it has come to our attention that you have been purchasing exotic animal species without a licence, as well as some degree of human trafficking. Please find enclosed with this letter a warrant for your arrest.
Yours sincerely
Savino and Sullivan, attorneys at law
"That's not good!" Bobby lamented. It was then that three police officers burst into the property, tackled Bobby to the ground, and slapped cuffs on his wrist. Bobby then turned to the readers, and the scene paused. "Maybe that isn't such a good idea. I know what I should do instead," Bobby resolved.
It had been sixteen hours since Bobby had himself boxed and wrapped up to be delivered to the Loud House on Christmas Day. He was hungry and thirsty, but determined to see Lori happy on their first Christmas together. He could feel the box he was in being dragged into the living room. He could hear the wrapping paper being ripped off, and when Lori lifted the box lid, she was the first thing he saw that morning.
"Boo-boo bear?" Lori queried, curious as to what he was doing in a large gift box.
"I couldn't think of anything good enough to buy you for our first Christmas together, so I decided to give you myself," Bobby explained. As predicted, Lori gushed over the thoughtful gesture.
"Literally the perfect gift. Thanks, Boo-boo bear," Lori said gratefully. They hugged and Lori spoke again. "I have something for you, too," Lori added. Bobby could feel his stomach grumble and he had a dry throat.
"I hope it's food and water," Bobby replied. Despite the hunger and thirst, as well as the uncomfortable sleeping position, Bobby wouldn't have had it any other way. "This was so much better than the last idea," Bobby thought to himself.
Author's note: I know what a lot of you are thinking. Isn't it too early for Christmas songfics? Yeah, well if TGAMM and Hailey's on it can get away with airing Christmas episodes now, I'm sure the FFN community will let this slide. When I thought of Christmas submissions, my mind thought back to last year, when I wrote Grace a songfic based on 'Twelve Pains of Christmas'. He recommended to me William Conrad's narration of the Twelve Days of Christmas, and it is hilarious. This songfic is inspired by that, as I thought to myself, 'What if Bobby sent those gifts to Lori during 11 Louds a-leapin?'. I also recommend Frank Kelly's take on the song. The usual disclaimers, I own nothing, all properties belong to their respective owners. Enjoy.