Chapter 70

Three weeks since coming home, Sasha was still there, helping around the farm and getting back in shape. Connie had left two weeks ago with Emil in tow, but as Sasha wasn't allowed to go to the harbor, she hadn't even considered the idea of leaving at the same time. She had thought about when she'd go back to work, Hitch had said she'd been promised as much time as she needed, so there was no pressure, and had decided to wait at least long enough for Herbert to get the papers he needed. She didn't know how long that would take, but it wouldn't be forever, and it gave her some sort of timeline as to when she should get moving… though at the moment, she was glad she didn't have to do so yet.

Sasha pauses, the shovel she was using to clean the stables pausing midair. She didn't want to go back to work, she suddenly realized with clarity, but she didn't understand why. She wasn't in the best shape yet, but she could already handle pretty much anything she normally would, if not a little slower. And she'd need to get some practice in with the ODM gear, but aside from that, she was good to go. She was ready. So, why?

Leaning the shovel against the wall, Sasha scratches her head. It's not like she just wanted to take it easy; if she did, she wouldn't help around the farm, at least not as much as she did. She wasn't being lazy, that was for sure.

Was she… scared? Of getting back to work and getting captured, taken back to Marley again? That would make sense, but… no, Sasha thinks, shaking her head. The thought didn't make her feel fear. During the first few days since she'd gotten back maybe, when she'd thought, she might have to face the Marleyans, but once Hitch had said she wasn't even allowed to go the harbor, those fears had gone away. She'd be far from that place, the most dangerous thing she'd probably have to face being instructor Shadis. The thought makes Sasha snort. He'd been the worst thing she knew back in her training days, occasionally appearing in her nightmares even, but now, she actually missed the man, looked forward to seeing him, even… okay, maybe not, but she wasn't dreading it, either. So, no fear.

What else was there? Sasha wonders, tapping her foot on the floor impatiently. It wasn't about dislike towards her job; there were parts of it that she wasn't looking forward to, but as a whole, she had never really considered a career change after graduating, nor had she seriously considered switching her military branch.

She hears her father call out her mother's name, probably needing help with something, and that gives Sasha another idea: was her family the problem? Was she hesitating leaving them, especially after what she'd learned from her parents not too long ago? Of how much they worried? That would make sense; she hadn't felt this way after being gone from home for years, nor when venturing outside the walls or taking part in the coup, but maybe that was simply because she hadn't known, hadn't understood how much they worried. Now that she knew about their feelings, it made her hesitant to make them worry again!

Satisfied with her deduction, Sasha picks up the shovel again and gets back to work. She finishes cleaning up the pen she was in quickly and moves to the next one, all the horses were out at the pasture at the moment, yet just as she's about to step in, she pauses, her hand still on the gate as she'd barely opened it.

It… didn't feel right. Yes, now that she'd managed to put it in to words in her mind, she recognized that she didn't want to make her parents worry, but something was missing. It wasn't the only thing holding her back.

"Then what is?" Sasha mutters, tapping her finger against the gate as she thinks. Surely, something that she couldn't even realize herself couldn't be that important, could it? But then why couldn't she name it?

Sasha's tapping becomes more intense with time as she thinks without finding a solution, and for a moment, her right foot joins the process before she throws her hands up in frustration, letting her feelings out.

"Gah! Why is thinking things over so hard!?"

"Lack of practice?"

The flat voice takes Sasha completely by surprise and she yelps, dropping the shovel she'd still been holding. It narrowly misses her toes and hits the ground with a loud clang as the brunette spins around, spotting one of her dearest friends at the barn's wide doorway.

"Mikasa!" she shouts out, wasting no more time to run over to her friend. The other woman's reaction was much more subdued, but she wasn't very expressive in the first place and Sasha knew that the small smile on Mikasa's face and the way she actually lifted her hands from her sides to welcome her in to her embrace was the woman's way of saying she was equally happy to see her.

"I missed you!" Sasha tells when she reaches Mikasa, wrapping her friend in a tight hug. Had it been anyone else, she would've been more conscious of how much strength she used, but with the Ackerman, she knew there was no need. She felt Mikasa return the hug, but while her hold was firm, it was nowhere near as tight as Sasha's own. Even so, it wouldn't be easy to wiggle her way out of it if she tried. Not that she wanted to.

They stand there for a while but, eventually, it's Mikasa who breaks the silence.

"Sasha"

"Yeah?"

"You smell" she says, and while Sasha blushes, she can't help but laugh as she pulls away "Sorry sorry! Horse shit kinda causes that, ya know!"

Mikasa nods.

"What were you thinking about so hard earlier?" she asks, changing the subject as she fixes her scarf "You've never been the best at it, but just now you sounded unusually frustrated."

Sasha pouts at the jab, but doesn't bother to argue as she knows it'd do no good. Instead, she decides to answer truthfully, hoping that Mikasa might have some ideas. First, she leads her friend outside though, getting them both a bit further from the smell. They sit down on the soft grass, and Sasha explains her problem, listing the things she knew weren't behind it. Mikasa listens, and then seems to ponder over it for a moment before asking: "Are you sure it's not about wanting to do something else? Even if you like being in the military, having a lot of time away from the routines of it might have made you subconsciously wonder if there could be something even better."

Sasha considers the words, as well as her options of what else she could do. Was there something else that attracted her, some other way of life? She looks up, letting her eyes rest on the tree line that marked the start of the forest not too far away. With taking back Wall Maria and using the entire island, there was enough land that her family could go back to living as hunters if they wanted to. She'd actually wanted that, before Trost was breached, that is. Optimistically, once Eren had inspired her to join the scouts the night before, she'd thought that once the lost areas were reclaimed, she could go back home with pride and return things the way they were. But now? She didn't want that. She wasn't the best with people, but she wanted to be around them, especially her friends.

What else was there? Was she stupid for being unable to really think of any other options than these that she'd already lived?

Sasha blinks, a thought suddenly occurring to her.

"Is that why you left for Hizuru? To just do something else for a change?" she asks Mikasa, who looks surprised to have her question returned back at her.

"No" Mikasa says, shaking her head. It had taken her a moment to answer, but Sasha can tell it wasn't to consider the answer, but what came after it "After Armin's death, I just needed to get away. Back when Eren died, I was almost overwhelmed by the memories, but Armin was there for me… but with him gone, I thought it'd be better to get away from here, away from the things that reminded me of him. It didn't stop me from thinking about him, it still doesn't, but it made it easier at the beginning, and now I'm… I'm alright."

Not knowing what to say to that, Sasha simply puts her hand on Mikasa's shoulder, squeezing it. She wished she'd been able to be there for her better when Eren died, but Armin had said to give her space… or be there when the blond passed away, but back then, she'd left so quickly…

"Still, I should've tried harder" Sasha thinks, biting her lip. As the minutes go by in silence, she starts processing what Mikasa had said and tries to apply it to her own situation "Getting away from the memories, huh…"

She had memories about Nikolo from many places, including here, but most of them were from other places. Survey Corps HQs, the restaurant he'd worked at, cells, Trost where Nikolo had settled in after being released, as well as a few cities they'd visited together… and the harbor, the beach… but the memories of him visiting her home were just as clear as the others. She remembered teaching him to use a bow- or well, trying to teach him use one would be more accurate, she supposed. At first, it'd been fun, but she'd eventually lost patience when there seemed to be no process. When Claus had told her to just sent Nikolo to the kitchen with her mom the first time, it had taken her all she had to not agree. It was where the man had eventually ended up though, but it had been him who suggested it first, not her.

Staring ahead, she sees the edge of the forest where she'd once come out of, chasing Connie and falling slightly behind, seeing him pass Nikolo and trying to pass him herself, only to be stopped by the man when he asks what she'd like for dinner. She'd had to choose between chasing down Connie, and man had she wanted to; he'd stolen her snack, or getting to eat exactly what she wanted for dinner. In the end, her desire for food had overridden her desire for revenge, though now she supposed the choice of who she'd be spending time with for each choice had played its part as well.

She should've spent more time with him, Sasha realizes. Surely, she would've found ways if she'd tried, and if she'd done so from the very beginning, then perhaps he wouldn't have poisoned anyone. Then he wouldn't have been imprisoned, and they could've spent that time together instead.

Sasha feels her eyes sting with tears, and she blinks rapidly, willing them off. She couldn't cry in front of Mikasa, not when the ones her friend missed were dead, while the one she missed was simply out of her reach. He was okay, he was fine!

…But she missed him so much.

Sasha bites her lip, trying to keep the sobs in. She's successful, but only until Mikasa brushes her hand off her shoulder and wraps her own around Sasha instead, pulling her close. That's when she breaks. She clings to Mikasa, crying her eyes out. The taller woman doesn't say anything, simply sitting still holding her, letting her cry.

"I'm sorry" Sasha says when she's finally able to control herself, realizing her hold on Mikasa and pulling away a little "It's just… I really miss him. I think… if I return to normal, it's like I'd accept that I'll never get to see him again. That my life will move on without him."

Sasha tells her friend about the deal she and Nikolo had made with the Marleyan captain, and a little of her time together with Nikolo in Marley.

"The Marleyans already found out that captain Frank helped me, but by now he must have made sure that Nikolo's name was known by whoever controls who gets to come here. Same people must know my name, too, so even if we got a permission to go to Marley at some point, I couldn't join." Sasha says, wiping her tears away. It was probably pointless to say it; Mikasa must've realized it on her own, but sometimes it was good to simply get things off her chest.

"What about sneaking in to Marley?" Mikasa asks, adjusting her scarf. Sasha had gotten tears and probably snot too on it, but her friend hadn't complained "Or having Nikolo sneak here?"

For a moment, the idea makes Sasha's heart beat faster, but she shakes it out of herself, literally, before saying: "That'd be dangerous. Even if one of us could do it successfully once, it probably wouldn't work forever… and there's the risk in going back, too. And we aren't geniuses; eventually one of us would make a mistake and get caught."

She supposed there was the option of not doing it often, perhaps once every few years or so, which would lower the chances of someone noticing, but the idea of waiting for years for a short encounter sounded like torture to Sasha. She'd technically been through that already, and she knew how it hurt. She didn't want it.

"What if he only needed to sneak in once?" Mikasa asks, making Sasha look at her.

"What?" she asks, frowning "Are you saying-?"

Mikasa nods.

"What if he snug in and never left? We could easily guarantee his safety with Hanji and Historia's help."

"Yeah, we could… we might even be able to bribe captain Levi in to scaring any MPs trying to get in our way- or actually, you might be enough of a scare on your own…" Sasha mutters, but then she sighs "But this isn't just about us; it's not like we could decide for Nikolo, and he can't just abandon his family for good like that."

"Can't he?" Mikasa asks, making Sasha frown at her.

"Could you abandon your family for good just for the one you love?" the brunette asks, crossing her arms, but Mikasa simply stares at her, unmoved. It's only when the taller woman raises an eyebrow that Sasha realizes her mistake. She blushes.

"Oh. Right" she mutters as she remembers that Eren was both Mikasa's love and her family… that had actually been pretty insensitive "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it" Mikasa simply says. She turns her head towards the house, and Sasha follows her gaze to see Kaya walking to the well carrying two buckets "I know you wouldn't leave your family for him, but that doesn't mean he's the same. You love your family, and they are great people who are easy to love, but not everyone's family is like that. You don't know if Nikolo's family is like that."

"Well, that's true but…" Sasha trails off, unsure of how to continue. Nikolo's family probably wasn't perfect, but it's not like hers was, either. She'd fought a ton with her parents before enlisting in the military, and most of it had been her fault, she now knew, and they had their arguments even now, though things were better than when she was a child. Sometimes she had disagreements with her siblings too, especially Emil after he enlisted, but they were all in good terms. Nikolo's family was probably like that, too; back in the cells, he'd complained plenty about them, especially about his older brother, but Sasha had heard the love in his voice "…He loves them. I talked to him in Marley, and he told me about his family. And he adores the children of his siblings; I'm sure he wants to watch them grow up. I know I'd want to watch my nieces and nephews grow up if I ever have any."

"Bring that up with Connie, then" Mikasa says with a straight face, and Sasha can't keep from bursting out in laughter. Holding her stomach, she thinks she probably should do just that. And have someone ready with a camera. Maybe Onyankopon; she knew the man had one. Hanji probably did, too, but she was way too busy to be bothered with her little jokes.

"But what about children of your own?" the question, coming out of nowhere like the comment before it, caught Sasha completely off guard and she stopped laughing.

"Wha-what?" she stutters, looking at Mikasa again.

"It's not really something we've ever talked about, but do you want children of you own in the future?" Mikasa asks, and Sasha just stares. She could've expected the question from her parents or Kaya or maybe even Jean or Connie, but it sounded weird coming from Mikasa.

…Still, regardless of who asked, she should probably answer. She already knew it after all.

"I'm not going to have children, ever" she says, like it's a fact, but then looks a little unsure "…Well, maybe I'll adopt at some point, if some crisis leaves a lot of children without a family, but of course I hope such a thing won't happen."

Mikasa eyes her, and Sasha didn't remember the last time she'd felt this uncomfortable under the woman's gaze. This was worse than when she tried to hide stolen food from her, far worse!

"But would you want to, and simply won't do so because you don't have the right man with you?"

Sasha felt like a cold bucket of water was dumped on her. Mikasa… she saw right through her. While Sasha had never really given that much thought to a family of her own, she had assumed she'd have children one day, if she didn't die in the line of duty first, that is.

She hadn't given it much thought even after realizing she was in love; those had seemed like such faraway thoughts, but now, when directly asked, she knew she'd want them, but only if it was with the one she loved. And she knew she could never love anyone else like that, she just couldn't.

And that meant no children.

"Yeah" she admitted quietly, averting Mikasa's gaze. She sighs. Saying it out loud made it feel worse, but maybe it needed to be said. She didn't know why, but there was probably a reason Mikasa had pressed.

A thought suddenly occurs to Sasha and she raises her head, looking at Mikasa again.

"Mikasa?"

"Yes?"

Sasha opens her mouth, but quickly shuts it, wondering if it was too insensitive to ask.

Waiting, Mikasa raises an eyebrow, and to Sasha it looked like she was telling her to get on with it, so she did: "Would you have wanted children? If Eren had lived…"

Mikasa blinks, but she doesn't look offended. She looks more like she hadn't thought about it, which wouldn't have come as a surprise to Sasha otherwise, but since she had asked her, she would've thought Mikasa had thought about her own position as well. Had the question simply popped to her mind since they'd been talking about kids?

"No" Mikasa finally says "I wouldn't have been against it had Eren wanted them, but it never felt important to me. Just having Eren by my side would've been enough for me."

Sasha wonders how literal Mikasa was being. Would've she really have been happy with just Eren by her side, even if she lost the rest of them somehow? Or did she simply mean that if Eren was here with them now, that'd be all she needed to be as happy as one can?

"Ugh, enough of that! Thinking doesn't suit me!" Sasha scolds herself.

"Sorry for suddenly bringing Eren up" she apologizes, but Mikasa shakes her head.

"You shouldn't apologize for talking about him; he was your friend, too."

"…Okay"

"And I'm not going to apologize for talking about Nikolo"

Sasha raises an eyebrow, surprised.

"You and Nikolo are friends?"

"…I wouldn't go that far."

Sasha can't help but laugh at the answer. Mikasa had never been all that hostile to Nikolo, but it had been pretty clear that she had never been fond of the man, either. She'd given him the same unimpressed look that she gave Sasha whenever she did something the other woman deemed stupid even for her, except Nikolo got it continuously, even when he didn't do anything. Or maybe that was the problem; maybe Mikasa thought he should be doing more… something. Sasha wasn't exactly sure what her friend expected from the man.

"You'll see him again" Mikasa says suddenly, startling Sasha out of her thoughts "We have a plan."

"You… what?" Sasha asks, sure that she'd misheard, or that Mikasa was kidding. Mikasa didn't tell jokes, not really, but people could change, right?

Mikasa shares her plan- no, Armin's plan, apparently, and Sasha listens intensely.

"Now that I know you're here, I can help Nikolo in to Hizuru at any time. I've already talked with Kiyomi, and we have a plan ready. If all goes as it should, then in a few months-"

"YOU CAN'T!" Sasha roars, gripping Mikasa's shoulders, surprising even herself with her fierceness. She stares at Mikasa's startled face, trying to find the right words.

"Sasha?"

"You can't! His parents… his family…" Sasha continues, more controlled this time, but still at a loss of words. Mikasa is silent, waiting for her to continue, but right now, having her talk might have actually helped; if she asked questions, Sasha might find it easier to answer them than having to explain everything from a scratch. But of course, she didn't get that lucky.

"I… I've been talking with my parents. Or more like, they've told me things, about their feelings. About my career and the dangers, I've faced" Sasha starts. Mikasa stays quiet, letting her gather her thoughts "It's not like I've been naïve enough to think they never worried, but I don't think I've ever understood how much until now… though I suppose they never worried as much as they did this time, with me being out there on my own, without everyone's help and support, and with no one having any idea when or if I'd be back… it's like not knowing what has happened is the worst. And I kind of get that, with all the battles we've been in, sometimes having to wonder if our comrades are still alive, like that time at Shiganshina all those years back… but from what my folks said, it's worse when it's a member of one's family, when it's one's own child, so-"

"You don't want Nikolo's parents to go through that" Mikasa finishes for her, and Sasha nods.

"We already talked about faking his death, though. Then there would be grief, but they would think they knew what happened and have closure" Mikasa points out, and Sasha stares at her in disbelief for a moment before tightening her grip "That'd be way too cruel!"

"And keeping two people who love each other apart isn't?" Mikasa retorts "The world is a cruel place. Sometimes, sacrifices have to be made."

Sasha winces. She knew that; they'd made their fair deal of sacrifices over the years, from Trost to the coup to Shiganshina… but aside from their attack on Marley, where civilians had also died, they tended to sacrifice soldiers. While no one obviously wanted to die, soldiers knew the risk was there, as a part of the job. Sacrifice was part of the job. It was what she and Nikolo had signed up for, even if they had both been far from understanding the depth of it when enlisting.

Remembering that made Sasha steel herself.

"Then they will be made. By me." she says, letting Mikasa out of her definitely too tight grip "That's a soldier's duty, one that I can't push on Nikolo's family. And- "Sasha stops herself from saying what she was thinking. It's not like Mikasa was a stranger to her ugly and selfish side, in fact she probably knew it better than anyone aside from her family, but she'd rather keep it hidden.

"And?" Mikasa prompts, not letting her "What else?"

Sasha looks away.

"What if… what if he regretted his choice one day? Choosing me over his family? If I caused him such pain, I wouldn't be able to take it… I wouldn't be able to handle the quilt, or if he looked at me like- like- "

Sasha wasn't sure what to compare it to, but she knew it could be bad. She didn't want to experience it.

"I don't know any members of his family, but even so, I don't want to hurt them, and taking Nikolo from them would do just that! I don't want to- I won't hurt them!"

"Even if you'll end up hurt instead?"

"I'm a soldier; I will endure" Sasha says shakily, forming a fist and bringing it over to her chest "Dedicate your heart… right?"

Mikasa closes her eyes with a sigh, but then mirrors Sasha's actions.

"Dedicate your heart"

A.N: …The End? No, not quite, but we are getting close. Only 4-5 chapters to go. Seriously this time. Will the ending be happy, or full of heartbreak? You'll see.

Anyway, it's December now. I recall that I've made an extra update on Christmas Eve once or twice, at least in 2021, and I was thinking that I might do that again. The next chapter is already finished, and chapter 72 is getting close as well, so it wouldn't get in the way of the January 1st update… in any case, keep your eyes open on Christmas Eve!