Chapter 68

Sasha hops off the carriage before her family home is even in proper view, too impatient to stay on the slow ride. She would've preferred to come on horseback, but since Herbert couldn't ride a horse, he'd seemed terrified at the very idea, Emil had arranged the three of them a carriage once they got off the train at Trost.

"I'm home!" she calls out as loud as she can, running at full speed, which she would later realize was now slower than it used to be, but right now, she paid no mind to that "Mom! Dad! Kaya!"

She's yet to see any of them, and they could very well be out hunting, or visiting the neighbors or even the city, but it felt good to be calling out for them.

"Claus! Anya!" she keeps calling, and just as the house is in her proper view, she sees her mother come running around the corner.

"Sasha!"

Sasha keeps running until she reaches her mother, wrapping her arms around her and sinking in to her embrace. Suddenly unable to stop herself, Sasha starts weeping in her mother's arms. It didn't come as a surprise to her, and rationally thinking, she knew there was nothing to be ashamed of, not after what she'd been through, but she couldn't help but be embarrassed, clinging to her mother like this at her age.

"It's alright now honey; you're safe" Lisa says as she holds her daughter a little tighter, simply letting her cry it all out.

When Sasha finishes crying, she can feel the way her tears have soaked the shoulder of her mother's dress. She'd also heard the carriage reach them a while ago, but even so, she couldn't bring herself to move away just yet.

It is only when she hears footsteps from the opposite direction of where she came from that she lifts her face, and Kaya's stunned face as she rounds the corner is worth it.

"Big sis…?"

Sasha gives her a large grin.

"I'm home!"

At that, Kaya instantly drops the bucket she'd been carrying, the water spilling to the ground, but no one pays it any mind as she rushes to Sasha's arms, their mother making way for her just in time to not collide with her.

Kaya weeps against Sasha's shoulder much like Sasha had just done to her mother, and she's glad her little sister didn't arrive in time to see that. She may be an adult already, but to Sasha, she would always be the little girl from that fateful day in some ways, the child that needed her protection. She was not supposed to make that child worry… yet she'd done just that, hadn't she? Big time.

"Sorry for making you worry" she tells her, patting her head, trying to ignore the fact that Kaya was slightly taller than her. Usually it was easy to forget, but holding her like this made it impossible to deny.

"Don't say sorry… it wasn't your fault!" Kaya says through her sobs, rubbing her eyes as she pulls away from Sasha.

Lisa puts a hand on the younger girl's shoulder, saying: "Why don't we go inside and start fixing up something to eat? You must be hungry."

"I know I am!" Emil calls out as he finally hops off the carriage, having waited for things to calm down. Herbert follows suite, and one glance at him tells Sasha he was way out of his comfort zone.

"Right, this is probably really awkward for him… guess I better make some introductions!"

"Mom, Kaya, this is Herbert, a friend of Nikolo's. He's an Eldian from Marley that we helped to get to safety, and he needs a place to stay until Jean and the like can get the needed paperwork done for him."

Herbert clearly didn't like the attention being on him, but knew it to be unavoidable.

"Oh, welcome to the Blouse stables, then. You must've had quite a journey; I hope my daughter wasn't too much trouble during it." Lisa laughs, making Sasha blush and hiss out in protest: "Mom!"

"Not at all, the opposite actually; she was a great help" Herbert assures.

"Did you get a chance to see Mr. Nikolo?" Kaya asks her sister, who smiles back at her sadly.

"Yeah… we didn't have all that much time together, and it's already been months since then, but we talked quite a few things clear." Sasha says, her face tinting pink when Kaya asks if the two of them confessed to each other or not.

"Kaya, that's a private matter" Lisa scolds her, but Sasha knows her mother is curious, too.

"Yes, we did" she admits. She can see the questions on tip of Kaya's tongue, so she says firmly: "But that's all I'm sharing right now. So, where´s dad? And Claus? Anya's probably away at work, but those two shouldn't be too far, right?"

To this, Emil speaks up.

"Sis, I told you that Claus lives in Trost now, didn't I? He went to work for the Reeves company. You know, back when you hadn't reunited with Jean yet. Weren't you listening?"

Sasha rubs the back of her head sheepishly, trying not to laugh at Emil's pout.

"Sorry, must've slipped my mind. I had a lot to think about at that point… so, what about dad?"

"He went hunting with Connie, but they should be back soon."

Sasha blinks.

"Connie's here?"

"Yeah, he's been around a lot. Jean said he caused too much trouble at work, so he made sure to arrange Connie a lot of time to come and cool off." Kaya tells as they head inside. Sasha frowns, thinking it didn't sound like Connie, but soon it clicks without further prompting; he must've taken the situation the hardest, just like Emil had said.

"I need to apologize to him, too… and then I'll tease him about playing hooky to get to spend time with his girlfriend." she smiles mischievously at the idea, and it doesn't go unnoticed by Kaya.

"I don't like that look on your face, sis" she informs her, but Sasha feigns innocent.

"What look?"

"The one that tells us you're up to no good" Emil answers for Kaya "At least wait until after lunch before you start trouble."

Sasha huffs, and the family laughs at her expense. It felt the same as it always had, and had it not been for the very nervous and out of place Herbert trailing after her, Sasha could've pretended she'd never been gone. But he was there, and it had happened.

"But it's over now"

Relaxing, Sasha watches her mother start preparations on lunch with reluctant Emil, leaving Kaya at the table with her and Herbert, who finds the courage to insist on helping with the cooking surprisingly fast, though Sasha thinks he might've just wanted something to do with his hands in order to distract himself and to not have to sit there listening the two sisters talk about their family life. Well, it was mostly Kaya who talked; what Sasha had experienced these past nine months was not something to write home about, but she wanted to hear what her family had been up to and this time, she was actually able to focus.

Kaya told her about Claus going to Trost, apparently wanting to become a merchant so that he could one day go to Marley himself and help with whatever he could. Sasha felt conflicted about that; she was happy he'd found what he wanted to do, but if she could decide, she'd rather keep her family safely tucked behind two pairs of walls than let them go beyond them, let alone off the island. It was scary enough that Emil was in the military; she didn't want to fear for yet another sibling!

"He'll be fine" Kaya says, clearly seeing her distress "We're not children anymore."

Sasha wraps her hands around the mug of tea her mother had brought for her, looking down at it with a soft smile.

"Guess so…" she mutters. Then, her smile turns mischievous as she gets an idea.

Looking up at Kaya, she can tell that the younger woman is instantly on her toes.

"So~ Ms. Not a Child Anymore, how's it going with Connie? You two done anything inappropriate yet?" she asks quietly, not wanting the others in the room to hear, but it's definitely loud enough for the blushing Kaya. Elbows on the table, Sasha leans in closer "C'mon, tell your big sister!"

"I could be asking you the same questions, couldn't I?" Kaya asks, crossing her arms "You met up with Mr. Nikolo after all."

Now it's Sasha's turn to blush.

"I asked you first!" she says, but Kaya easily counters it by pointing out that she had already asked while they were outside.

"Oh, well um… like mom said, that's a private matter!"

"And things between Connie and I isn't?"

"You're my little sister and Connie's like my twin; I have the right to know"

The two stares at each other with frowns on their faces, but Kaya is the first to break eye contact.

"Don't say he's like your twin in the same sentence that you call me your sister; that makes things sound wrong" she says, and Emil pipes up his agreement, having heard the whole thing. Sasha wrinkles her nose.

"Oh yeah, guess it kinda does…" she mutters, hand on her chin. It's then that she hears the door open, and she turns to look, Kaya following suit, and sees her father walk in, freezing up at the doorway at the sight of her. Connie's there, too; Sasha can't see him yet, but she hears him question her father of why he'd stopped.

"Hi dad" Sasha says. Before the man can take another step or even respond, Connie has already circled around him at the sound of Sasha's voice, briefly stopping once he actually sees her, but then continuing forward, running over to her. He holds her tight, uncomfortably so, but Sasha doesn't have the heart to tell him that, so she bears with it, hugging him back.

"I thought we lost you…" he mutters quietly, and Sasha's grateful for the volume; her family didn't need to hear that.

"Like you'd get rid of me that easily" she whispers back to him. They hold each other until Sasha's father lets out a fake cough, which is when Connie lets go and Sasha gives her father a sheepish grin before running in to his waiting arms.

"I'm home" she mutters in to his chest.

"Welcome back"

Not long after, the lunch is ready and everyone gets to the table, with Sasha literally pushing Herbert towards the table when he says he doesn't want to impose.

"Well, we want you to impose" she counters, pushing him to the bench where he ends up reluctantly sitting next to Emil "Dad, Connie, this is Herbert. He's from Marley but an Eldian like us and he got in to some trouble, so Nikolo and a friend of theirs smuggled him here."

"Nice to meet you" Connie says, but he's attention is quickly elsewhere "Did you manage to see Nikolo, then? Did he come back on the recent ship?"

Sasha's smile fades a little at that.

"Yeah, we got to see each other about three months ago. He couldn't get on the ship, he would've come if he could've, but Herbert saw him on the day he boarded the ship. He said Nikolo's doing okay."

"Did he tell you why he hasn't come back? Are they not letting him or something?" Connie asks, and Sasha doesn't like his tone; it was like he was already convinced that wasn't the case.

"Yeah, that's exactly it. He's tried his best." Sasha answers, unable to keep her voice even or the glare off her face. Connie seems to take note of that as he backs down and makes an obvious but working change of subject: "So, did you meet up with Jean already? Heard how his proposal went?"

"He's done it!?" Sasha shrieks, fully aware of what Connie was doing, but also knowing it wasn't important right now "I saw him, but that didn't come up- wait, did I miss the wedding!?"

"Nah, you're good; both are too busy to even start planning it, or so they say. Boris doubts it's just an excuse and Hitch is actually getting cold feet… do you think that's the case? You're closer with her than I am."

Sasha thinks of it for a moment, munching on a small wheat bread she'd just taken from the basket Kaya had held out towards her while at it. Was she too self-centered if she concluded that the two had put their personal life on hold while focusing on getting her back? Otherwise, she wouldn't consider it, but after seeing their letters, it felt possible.

Swallowing a lump of bread that no longer tasted as good as it did a moment ago, Sasha says: "Yeah, they're both busy… I should take off some of Jean's workload so he could focus on Hitch and their wedding."

"Shouldn't you get a little rest first? You've lost weight, too" Emil cuts in "Jean can handle his job, and will get married once it's time."

Sasha turns to him, raising a brow.

"If you think I'm too thin does that mean I get your share of the lunch?"

"No" Emil replies, immediately moving his bowl a little further from Sasha, getting everyone to laugh, including Sasha herself.

After lunch, Sasha decides to go hunting on a whim. She needed it, needed the forest, needed the mountains, needed the chance to move. Her mother joined her, leaving the dishes to the others, claiming she'd been away from the forest too long herself. Sasha didn't mind the company; she'd had enough alone time over the last months to last her quite a while. Plus, if there was anyone who'd be able to keep up with her in the forest aside from her father, it'd be her mother. Connie was good too, but he didn't get around quite as naturally as they did.

They stayed quiet for hours, only talking when necessary for the hunt, which wasn't often when the only people present were ones the forest was a home for. It was only after they had their catch and were already gutting it that Lisa broke the calm silence with a question unrelated to the task at hand.

"What's bothering you, honey?"

Sasha tightens her grip on her knife, keeping her eyes on the task at hand. Lisa doesn't press, simply continuing what she was doing, and eventually, her daughter does answer.

"Lots of things. Right now, mostly Jean."

"He's been very busy, I've heard. Working harder than ever, or so Connie told us. He paid us a visit a few times during these past nine months, too" Lisa pauses, looking at her daughter, who can feel the gaze on the back of her head "But it's not something for you to blame yourself about."

"But it is!" Sasha protests, knife still in hand as she faces her mother. There's not pity on the woman's face, just calm understanding, and Sasha's grateful for it "I know he'd be busy even if I hadn't caused him all the extra work, but that wouldn't have stopped him from planning his wedding. Wedding, mom, that's a big deal!"

"But if your positions were changed, wouldn't you have done the same for him?"

That gives Sasha a pause for a moment as her lips press to a thin line.

"That's different."

"How so?"

"It just… is. I'm not in to fancy parties like Jean and Hitch. If it was my wedding pushed back by Jean being in trouble, that'd be no big deal."

"Do you think Jean cares about a fancy party more than he cares about you, then?"

"No!" Sasha was getting frustrated "Ugh, mom, that's not what I'm saying! Jean's a better person than that and you know it! And so's Hitch! That's not the point!"

"Then there shouldn't be a problem; those two simply put things in an order of importance, didn't they? You do the same and let go of that guilt, so you can face them with a smile again."

Sasha turns back to her work. She doesn't expect her mother to return to this subject or to say anything for a while, which is why she's surprised when the woman starts talking again not even a minute later.

"The past nine months were the wors in mine and your father's lives" Lisa tells, making Sasha freeze "The time you were in a coma was hard for us, of course, but at the time we knew where you were. We knew you were in good hands, getting help, and that we could come and see you again if we so desired. But this time, we didn't know where you were, or if you were even alive anymore. We didn't know if you were alone, or if there was someone there by your side to comfort you. If you were in pain, or if they treated you well. We didn't know if you got enough food, or were on the verge of starving. Every time I cooked a meal, I wished you'd be at the table to share it with us- "

Sasha turns around sharply when her mother's voice cracks, seeing her having stopped her work of cleaning the meat already taken out of the deer they'd taken down, a few tears falling down her face.

"Mom, are you-? "

"I'm okay honey, really" Lisa wipes her face to her sleeve, looking at Sasha "I'm okay as long as you are. And you've been through enough already, so let go of any guilt you have. You're a soldier, and a soldier's life brings along some regrets, and while it's important to not forget so you can learn from your mistakes, you can't let the weight of it all to crush you under it."

Sasha actually felt more guilty now than before, still making her mother worry despite being right here with her, but that wasn't something she could tell her. And it's not like her mother was wrong; feeling guilt about taking up everyone's time, about making them worry, wouldn't help anyone or make up for anything. She'd have to let go, and she would, eventually.

"Got it, mom" Sasha says as she embraces the woman.

By the time they get back home, Anya and Claus are there. Sasha finds out Emil had sent out a message for both of them when they'd passed through Trost, and laughs at the fight the boys get in to, Claus being upset they hadn't stopped by to pick him up personally despite going through Trost. She supposed that was her fault, too; she'd been in a hurry to get home, so Emil wanted to do nothing to slow her down.

In the evening, tucked away in a soft bed, Sasha can't sleep. She's not hungry and the moonlight coming from the window isn't bothering her, nor are the sounds of soft breathing coming from elsewhere in the house. She supposes she has a lot on her mind, but she feels like if she was asked, she couldn't pinpoint anything specific that kept the sleep away.

"Whatever; it's been too long since I've last seen the stars anyway" she says, getting off her bed and heading straight out of the house in her nightgown, legs bare, only snatching her dad's coat from the doorway and putting it on as she goes.

Sasha wasn't a romantic by any means, giving more worth to the mountains and forests around her that had sustained her family's life for generations than to something as abstract as the stars in the sky, but she thought them pretty despite it all.

"Onyankopon once said that stars are like the sun, just further away" Sasha remembers, snickering at the memory. Armin had been enamored, if not sceptic, by the idea, but she and Jean hadn't believed it. But once Armin had been convinced, how, Sasha didn't know, she had just decided that it must be so then, and left it at that. It was of no real interest to her, not to mention it was too complicated. She'd mentioned all this to Nikolo one time, when waiting for a meal, and he'd questioned how she could not accept something proven by science, but could accept it when Armin said it, to which Sasha had said that she didn't know science, but she knew Armin. Nikolo hadn't exactly looked like he understood what she meant, but hadn't questioned further, simply bringing the dish he'd been preparing straight to the table, leaving the subject at that.

What dish had it been at that specific time? Sasha realized she couldn't remember, and was angry at herself for that. She wanted to remember, to keep all she had of Nikolo over the years to herself, for there'd be no more, not ever again.

Sasha stops walking, and just keeps staring at the night sky as the tears fall down her cheeks. She hated her petty weakness, crying after one man, one that was safe and sound, when she had everyone else important to her around her. She grits her teeth. Why couldn't she just be happy with what she'd gotten back, instead of wishing for the impossible? At least Nikolo was alive, unlike Eren, Armin or so many others… and yet, she found herself missing him even more than those two. Was that even fair to them?

Unable to keep it in, Sasha lets out a loud, frustrated scream. She's far enough of the house to not be overheard, she knows, so she doesn't have to worry. It doesn't help, so she does it again and again, until her frustration feels like it's faded a little, and she feels more tired than anything. It was time to go back and sleep.

She turns around to return home, yelping when she comes face to face with her father.

"Da-dad? Why are you-? Did I wake you up?"

"No, ah didn't go to sleep in the first place yet. Saw ye leave the house, so ah followed ye out" he fixes his hat "Something on yer mind?"

Sasha looks down.

"Can't really deny it after all that yelling, can I?" she said "But I don't want to make you worry more than you already have; mom said- "

"That we had the hardest nine months of our lives? We certainly did" her father interrupts. He sits down on the soft grass, patting the spot next to him, and Sasha joins the man without further prompting "Ah ain't naive enough to think that all parents fear the loss of their child and the child's pain above all else, but it's said to be common. Yer mom and ah are like that, not that we knew it before ye were born."

"Sorry…"

"What for? Being fine enough of a daughter to worry so much about? We worry because we love ye, and we love ye because of who ye have become. We've always loved ye of course, but the love we held for the selfish little brat that left here at age twelve could not be compared to the love we have for the young lass who put her life at risk to save a kiddo she didn't even know." Artur Blouse pats his daughter's head "The better person ye become, the more painful the idea of losing ye becomes to those who love ye, but that doesn't mean ye shouldn't aim to be the best version of yerself that ye can be."

"I guess so…" Sasha trails off, frowning as a thought suddenly enters her head "Hold up, mom said you guys were so worried because you didn't know where I was or how I was doing, right? Wouldn't it have been the same back when I left to be a soldier?"

"Didn't expect ye to catch that" her father says, making Sasha pout "Yeah, we were worried back then, too. Ye were just a brat after all… but back then, we had a rough idea of what ye were doing and where. We knew the training could be dangerous and that sometimes people died during it, but ye were already a hunter then, fast and agile with good instincts. We believed ye'd be alright in the end, even if ye got some bruises."

Sasha looks down.

"I never knew…" she confesses, hugging her knees "Being a parent is hard, huh?"

"Harder than ah ever thought before becoming one" Artur admits "They say losing yer kid is the hardest part, but it's a good thing ah don't really know about that, despite all the close calls. Ah just hope yer mom and ah drop before ye and the other kiddos do."

"Not funny dad" Sasha says with a glare to his direction, but can't bring herself to whack him for the tasteless comment like she'd do to Jean or Connie "Is that what they call dad humor?"

"Ah was being serious" he replies "Well, will ye share what's bothering ye?"

Sasha thought about it for a moment. Her father wasn't the first person she'd go to with this, her mother would probably be better, or even Kaya, but the man was here and it was probably for the best to get this out, especially if it kept him from getting more worried than he already was.

"It's about Nikolo" Sasha blurts out before she can second guess herself.

"Ye have a fight?"

"No" Sasha pauses, thinking of how Nikolo reacted to her attempt to sacrifice herself "Well yes, but we made up, all is good! It's just… I miss him."

"Ye'll see him again someday"

"No, I won't, and that's the problem" Sasha says, telling her father about the promise they'd made to the captain "It's not like either of us is dead set on keeping our promise out of principle, or at least I'm not, but trying to break it would be risky, too. I don't want to be away from Nikolo, but since that's the safest option… I can't put him and possibly many others in danger just because I want to see him, can I?"

"No, ye can't" her father says, putting his arm over Sasha's shoulders "But that doesn't mean ye have ta keep it all in."

That was all Sasha needed to let the tears of sorrow and anger fall as she wept against her father's chest.