Lana wasn't sure when it started - the doubt and indecision that started entering her mind when it came to Clark. She supposed in a way it was always there in the back of her mind, but she knew that couldn't be the case. There was a time when she believed so fully in him that she would've given him the world, or rather, her world. Now, she wasn't as sure that was the case.
Staring out her dorm window, she tried to pull her thoughts back to her homework, but she couldn't quite find the steel focus she used to be able to when it came to her studies. These days, her mind was distracted. She felt like a ghost drifting through her life, going through the motions, checking the boxes. She tried to remember a time when things seemed easier, or rather not as hard.
Since discovering so much about her parents lives before they died, Lana had realized how much of an act she'd put on throughout her life, and she was constantly trying to deconstruct as the days went on. The more she pulled apart the threads of the life she had built on lies, the more the yarn became loose and tangled. She felt her old self-motivation waning, and life didn't seem so rose colored anymore. Where once she saw bright colors all around her, she noticed everything felt grey and dulled as of late. The prior all-star cheerleader, straight-A student, found herself struggling to keep up with her schoolwork and not wanting to socialize with much of anyone.
Where once she would seek comfort in the warm arms of her high school sweetheart, she found herself pulling away. Separating herself from her old life full of complications and lies felt easier than trying to force others to get on board with her growth. Guilt riddled her thoughts at every puppy dog look Clark threw her way when she wouldn't return his eager embrace.
But she knew that warmth had faded as the months had gone on. He no longer seemed to long to touch her in quite the same way she remembered. Instead, when she tried to advance their interactions, she felt him violently pull away, leaving a cold, snowy surface in his wake as he made excuses and scurried out. She'd voiced her frustrations so many times to him, and he always said he wanted her, but something held him back. He wouldn't ever expand when she pushed, and the more déjà vu she experienced with it, the more she felt herself loosening the reigns a little more on the relationship.
Sometimes, she'd find herself remembering all the moments between the two of them – the longing secret looks before they got together; the gold warmth that radiated when they admitted to each other how they felt; the cold, grey that he left her with when she went to Paris; the red that burned between them when they came back together and shared all of themselves. She clung to those moments often in the last few months, hoping that something would change and bring those colors back to life for her, but the more time that passed the more blue crept into the picture of them. Not a baby blue or warm, calming blue, a deep dark saddening blue that she couldn't quite shake.
As she tried to swim up from the dark depths of the ocean that had been created, she felt herself gasping for breath every time she was with him. For some reason, the more she tried to breathe, the more water would fill her lungs. The more she begged for him to see her – to be honest with her, the more she realized he didn't see the problem. He didn't see her slowly drowning right in front of his eyes. The thought left a barren feeling within her as she sank further into the deep blue of the ocean floor.
For a man that loved her so deeply, how could he not see what he was doing to her? Every time he gave a lame excuse, or ran out without explanation, or seemed distracted, or lied straight to her face, the more she broke. She knew that soon she would shatter if this continued, but a part of her wanted to stay and keep fighting. She wanted to believe the man she loved – the one she started building a life with – would wake up and see her pain and be there for her like he used to when life had felt a little less complicated for both of them.
Instead, he pushed her further and further away and then would get angry when she reciprocated. She didn't understand what he wanted other than the high school version of herself that allowed his excuses and flakiness and looked at him with shining doe eyes. The naivety she used to feign back in those days to ensure everyone around her was comfortable even when she wasn't still lingered in invisible scars. It seemed everyone always seemed to overlook her pain as some sort of inconvenience, constantly tip toeing around uncomfortable topics regarding her life, even back then. Before, she let it slide, not wanting to rock the boat and tip it into the ocean. Now, the slippery slopes she had created were covered in trees. She wasn't that version of herself anymore, and she wasn't sure she'd ever be that again.
In Clark, she had felt comradery. Someone else who seemed to understand her abandonment and pain, who knew what it was like to be so alone yet pretended to not be – a person who had to play a part just like herself. She once admired his ability to make everything look so easy. She used to revel in his seemingly open sadness, embracing him in an endless empathy for the cards he was dealt in life. A kinship resided between them that kindled and burned bright in their love.
Now, ash seemed to scatter all around them as it filled the once green grass with a cold, grey and black landscape. She started to wonder how long she could keep this façade up with Clark until he called her on it, but the days passed and soon she realized he never would. She wasn't even sure he saw it.
She could feel Clark's paranoia grow as she gravitated towards Lex in the recent weeks, and it saddened her. In Lex, she felt a familiar kinship that she hadn't felt with Clark in months. He was a man given everything except the love of a parent or trustworthy friends. As of late, it was something she could relate to. The secret glances she began noticing between Chloe and Clark were hard to ignore the more they happened. The increasing anxiety Clark seemed to present when anything space related was mentioned was hard for her to push out of her thoughts.
Where Clark discouraged her curiosity and growth, Lex encouraged it. Where Clark seemed to be forcing her into a pretty pink box, Lex embraced her dark edges. Where Clark hid secrets and knowing glances, Lex seemed open and honest with her. It was a jarring juxtaposition. Before, she felt a cold, calculated presence around Lex which had recently been replaced by acceptance and warmth. While she didn't think of him romantically, she couldn't help but to hold onto the newly forming relationship like a lifeline. It was a breath of fresh air to have someone believe you can take care of yourself for once and almost demand it.
Clark always seemed to coddle her in a warm cocoon, hoping to protect her from the world. Before, she loved that about him, always feeling cared for completely. But that coddling became suffocating as he trusted her less and less. Where before, him saving her and running off would've been enough, now she wanted answers to questions that haunted her for years. The gaslighting and redirection he would throw at her felt like knives slicing over and over at the scars that he'd helped her heal. As she bled out, she constantly called out to him, begging him to stitch her back up, only to be sliced into again and again. Soon, she grew numb to the pain it caused her and indifference started to creep into her field of vision.
When the opportunity came, she stood in front of him, tears in her eyes, begging him one last time in her own way to fight for them. The cold shoulder he presented was confirmation enough for her. He'd never let her into his secret world she so craved to know. He wasn't going to fight for her or choose her, only himself.
She watched slowly as their once flourishing Eden, burned and died painstakingly in front of her eyes. She'd tried to water the garden, to turn the mulch, and to pick the weeds. But the more she tried to maintain it, the more he seemed to come in and ruin it one plant at a time. Now, he had bitten the apple, and they were both jarringly cast from that heaven.
The pain and sadness in his eyes made her angry as he acted like he didn't create this situation they were currently in – as if he wasn't the one to ignore her pleas.
She felt the ocean waves overtake her completely. The water filled her lungs as she tried to scream, to fight, but she knew this was it for them even if she didn't want it. He was too polite to break her heart, so she was going to do it for both of them - to get them both out of the burning mess that they'd created.
Maybe somewhere down the line, they could make this work again. Maybe when they'd both grown more, matured more, and lived separately they could come back stronger than ever. But this wasn't someday, this was now, and now they needed to diverge on different paths to discover who they were.
Tears spilled down her face as she walked away from the massacre. Her heart shattering with every step she took away from him. A part of her wondered if she was going to be able to recover from this, but she knew she would, one day. When the dust settled, and the ground healed, they could find some kind of common ground. But, in the meantime, she would mend her own heart, stitching herself up one scar at a time.
END
A/N: This was out of my wheelhouse as a one-shot as I usually only write Lois and Clark fanfiction. But, this fic came to me while rewatching the series. I decided to see things more from Lana's perspective and really understand her thoughts and feelings in certain moments. I know the show didn't really know what to do with her character, but I feel she did get some unnecessary hate for the poor writing her character was given. So, this was my way of trying to empathize with the character. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did or did not, please feel free to leave a review.