Enduring Affection
Final Fantasy Dissidia/VIII
Pairing: Irvine/Squall
Notes: Oh my god I started this ages ago. Like. Maybe a year and a half ago? Either way, this has been in the works for a long time. I recently got back on ADHD medication and let me tell you how wonderful it is to be able to focus and concentrate again. This probably wouldn't be finished otherwise. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy the work I've put into this. This fic is set in my Dissidia AU world (You may have heard me talk about my FF/FE RP and that's the one I refer to.) This fic is also related and tied to Discussions of Affection, Bravery, and Break. This is set before the OT3 happens. Go read those if you want more of this and these three idiots. That said, read on.
Irvine Kinneas wheezed heavily, a full-bodied wince stilling him.
He was dying.
Quite literally.
Ahead of him, Squall Leonhart paused his walking, glancing back towards him. Though the other said nothing, their brows furrowed just a fraction in what could be considered concern-at least, as much concern as the man allowed himself to show.
Irvine knew Squall well enough to decipher most of his signs and expressions, however minute and vague they were. Yet some things still eluded him. Mainly, one big thing.
Certain emotions, typically.
His lungs shuddered for a moment, a painful contraction squeezing his ribs and his lungs, but he forced himself to smile towards his companion and tip his hat towards him. "'M fine, just got a frog in m'throat." He excused before he pushed himself to walk forward, catching up to the other and match his pace.
He didn't want to say, really, what was going on.
For one, he was scared out of his wits about it and two, he wasn't sure he could handle the reaction the other would have.
Call him a coward, but he valued Squall's company and view. Doing anything that could jeopardize that, such as something that could cause Squall's attention to drift or cause him leave him behind, he just couldn't take that.
He was selfish enough to take whatever the other gave and offered without asking for more. Actually, that's how and why his whole upcoming death is inevitable.
Something shifted and moved painfully inside of him. Somewhere below his ribs. When he exhaled the breath of pain he'd been holding, the slightest wisp of frost escaped.
Shiva. Shiva had given him such a pitying look the last time they had called on her for Aid. It had taken every effort of his willpower to hide the icicle shards that were trying to escape his mouth in-between his coughing fit.
With a look, she waved her hand and the frigid, encompassing cold that typically followed his episode was gone as she disappeared.
He had hoped, dimly, that it meant the ice was gone, too.
But the eternally frozen evidence that had fallen into his hat the next bout of coughing into it he did cruelly told him it was a fool's hope.
So there it was: He was dying.
What it was exactly, he wasn't sure, had only heard brief tales of it in passing.
Tales of people with one-sided affection becoming afflicted, their symptoms being coughing out flower petals, a deadly plant growing inside of them until it killed them from feeding upon their unrequited feelings.
Typically the plant would suffocate them from the inside out.
However, his case was not your average one.
If having a deadly plant growing inside you from having one-sided feelings was normal, anyway.
Because Squall Leonhart himself wasn't a normal person, so leave it to him being atypical to cause him to have a not-typical case of this affliction.
From what little knowledge Irvine could gather, the type of flower he was coughing out petals of was a Glacial variety. It made sense, considering Squall's connection to Shiva and love of anything and everything cold, but the plant itself was eternally frozen, giving off a cold chill. So not only had he been dying from this thing growing in him, but slowly being frozen from the inside-out.
Shiva's power last time had seemed to have made him either immune to the frozen-aspect, or something, because the icicles and cold chill from the petals and leaves no longer felt like he was going to get frostbite on his throat and tongue and that his internal organs weren't going to freeze over.
Small blessing, he supposed.
He couldn't truly appreciate the gesture since he was still dying. But at least it was a more prolonged death, since he wouldn't just freeze in the middle of the night in his sleep or something. The Eidolon-Guardian Force-whatever-extended his time to remain in the world.
Of course, since having been dropped into this new world, as strange as it was, it was interesting enough. Getting to explore it alongside Squall made it worth it. And then there was times when they fought alongside others, a couple of them being able to call upon White Magic, casting healing spells upon them all. When one such spell had been cast on him, he briefly felt some of the heavy, crushing sensation inside his chest ease up.
It didn't cure him, but it staved off some of the growth.
He supposed it had to do with the fact using White Magic came from within, the user's emotional energy. He wasn't an expert on Magic by far, but he knew enough that whenever he was genuinely worried for and expressed it within his own Cure spells and the like towards his friends, it seemed to be twice as effective.
But he knew no matter how much White Magic that could be used, it would never truly get rid of the thing growing inside of him.
Only a reciprocating force of returned affection could do that.
And from the outlook of things, considering it was -Squall- of all people, the chances of that were abysmally slim.
Although the man could show his concern and even care at times, it was always so brief and fleeting and the other covered it up with an awkward, hasty shuffle away with a jumbled murmur of words to go with it.
For all Irvine knew of Squall's habits, signs, and outward shows of his emotion, reading how he really felt all the time was an impossibility.
And again, he was a coward and not going to risk putting their friendship and what bond they did have into danger by voicing what was going on. He was already dying, he was pretty sure he'd die on the spot at an outright rejection.
And he would've continued to keep quiet about it, had it not been for the unfortunate event of running into Seifer unexpectedly.
Leave it to those two to get into a sparring match, because their eternal frenemy allyversary-ness demanded it and he would've perhaps been able to keep it hidden if only Seifer didn't play dirty when he fought and managed to injure Squall.
He was quick on his feet to be at the other's side, pressing a Hi-Potion into the other's hand and casting an Esuna spell on him to be rid of the Blind Status Seifer hit him with.
He was about to speak, to chastise Seifer and tell Squall to be more careful, but his lungs seized up and he began coughing raggedly.
Squall blinked at him while Seifer observed with an inquisitive stare at the scene.
"Damn, this cough just doesn't wanna leave me, huh?" He wheezed out, offering a weak smile as an excuse, clenching his jaw as he quickly turned and made a show of patting his chest as he swallowed back down the icicle shards that tried to escape.
He waved his hand after another moment before focusing his gaze back out towards the two. "You really should be more careful; going all out is fine, but not when it gets either of you badly scratched up." He advised.
He didn't wait for their reply, but he doubted either would have one to his warning anyway, but the narrowed eyes of Seifer's followed his movements a while longer before something flickered in them as he turned away from Squall. "I suddenly don't have the will to continue this. It's boring now." He stated before he made his way after Irvine, leaving Squall there to stare in surprise and mild shock.
Once out of sight, or so he thought, Irvine doubled over to lean against a tree, coughing yet again. This time, though, he didn't bother to hide the frigid petals that were coming out of his mouth. He could feel his throat becoming numb and swollen from the cold as he continued coughing, the spasms wracking him harder and harder.
He tried to catch his breath, but he could barely get enough air in between each cough. He felt a wave of nausea hit him on top of his lightheadedness from having so little air.
"Hyne's tits, Kinneas." The words startled him, and he could only turn his head to see Seifer with his arms crossed staring at him with piercing eyes.
Irvine was too out of breath to even begin to try and speak so he just let his head bow down as he finished his coughing before he turned to let his back rest against the tree to catch his breath, closing his eyes.
"When you catch your breath, you're going to tell me exactly when this started. I know what this is, and you're not fooling me." Seifer said in a tone that allowed no argument.
Irvine flinched a little at the other's words but gave a hesitant nod in return.
Silence reigned for a spell as Irvine caught his breath, feeling the nausea and numbness fading away before he cleared his throat.
"It started about five months ago. Before we were even Summoned to this world." Irvine explained quietly.
Seifer's brows furrowed and his already frowning expression turned more so as he uncrossed his arms with a loud, annoyed sigh. "Fuck's sake," He mumbled out before pinning the other with a direct stare. "And you've said nothing at all about it?"
"What would I even say?" Irvine countered back.
"For once in your goddamned life, be straightforward about it." Retorted the other.
Irvine flinched again before he shook his head. "Seif... I can't."
"Don't give me that as an excuse, it's your life on the line, Irvine. Don't just stay quiet and take it, do something!" The blond hissed heatedly.
"..."
"Would you rather him find out when he discovers your cold corpse?"
"...No."
"Then even if the answer from him is 'no', at the very least acknowledging what you feel will make it stop." Seifer murmured.
"How would you know?" Irvine asked.
There was a moment where Seifer's blue-green eyes flashed as he met the other's, another frown pulling at his lips.
"Because I've been through it, cowboy." Was the straightforward answer.
The shock that overtook Irvine's face would've been comical to Seifer had their whole conversation been about anything else.
"You have two, maybe three options. You can keep running and assuredly die; you can accept what's happening, tell him and from acknowledging it, it will stop." Seifer explained.
"What's the third?" Irvine blinked.
"The third is you tell him and by some fucking miracle he gets it, he'll get his head out of his ass and reciprocate." Was Seifer's dry response.
There was a long silence between them again as Irvine contemplated what Seifer told him.
Tell him... Could he? Irvine was, as he said himself, a coward. Things that scared him, physical or otherwise, made him shut-down or want to run as far away as possible.
The thought of even breathing a word of this to Squall made him feel anxious.
His hands started shaking. "Seif..." He began weakly. "I..."
"I know." Seifer responded, voice not quite as sharp as it normally was. "I know, cowboy. You're terrified. But this is one of those times you've got to be brave and just do it. None of us want you to drop dead." He answered.
Before Irvine even had a chance to say anything more, another voice broke through.
"...There you are."
Looking over, both Seifer and Irvine saw Squall striding towards them, a small frown on his face.
Seifer turned his head back, catching Irvine's eyes. He gave the other a long look, silently telling him to take his chances before he turned away, giving a backhanded wave to the other in a silent goodbye as he began to walk off.
Squall frowned further as he watched Seifer pass by him, but turned his attention back to Irvine, who seemed to be fidgeting.
"Was he harassing you?" Squall asked quietly.
Irvine quickly shook his head, clearing his throat. "N-no. Quite the opposite, really... He was giving me some advice."
Squall's brow quirked a little. "Seifer? Advice?" He sounded mildly skeptical.
Irvine let out a short chuckle at the other's reaction. "Yeah, I know. Sounds weird, but it was in typical Seifer fashion: More of an order than suggestion." He admitted, cracking the slightest of grins, knowing he was avoiding the real topic but he needed the distraction.
That had Squall's lips twisting out of his frown just a little, accompanied by a short, quiet snort as he shook his head. "Yeah, that's him."
They lapsed into silence, Irvine's anxiety making him reel mentally, unable to stop the trembles that came to his form as he slowly began to pace from side to side, biting on his lip in contemplation.
How should he tell Squall? Where or how should he start? Would the other even listen to him?
He was so caught up in his thoughts he failed to see the miniscule flecks of concern that gleamed within Squall's eyes. The only thing he became aware of next was Squall's commanding tone cutting through his thoughts like Lionheart through a monster:
"Stop that. You're not helping yourself wearing your energy out carelessly. Be still; and while you're at it: Start talking. I can see the gears spinning in your head practically."
Immediately, the gunner's pacing ceased in response to the command, and he reached a shaky hand back to scratch nervously at the back of his head, under the rim of his hat briefly, casting an apologetic look towards the other. "Sorry. Just... There's somethin' I gotta tell you. It's important." He began weakly.
"And?" The other pressed, brow raising as he crossed his arms, waiting.
"...I don't know how to tell you, that's the thing. Seifer says to just 'spit it out', but the 'it' part is what I'm hung up on."
There was silence. It was heavy for a moment, before Squall let out a sigh and made a motion with his hand for the other to contibue, that he had his attention.
"...It's gonna sound like I'm joking but I'm absolutely serious," Irvine began quietly, looking down to the ground, finding a spot of grass to fix his gaze upon timidly.
"I'm... W-well, what I'm trying to say is... Th-this cough of mine..." He tried, stumbling over his words before making a frustrated sound of helplessness, wanting very much to turn tail and run before he risked a glance upwards towards the other.
Squall's gaze was focused on him, as if intently studying him. He said nothing, but the curiosity was there in his eyes.
"What about it?" Squall asked. Though it was a question, it sounded more like a demand because Squall's voice was so gravelly right now, brows furrowed with his inquisitiveness.
"...I..." Irvine couldn't hold Squall's stare and twisted his head, looking away ashamedly. "It's nothin', sorry, I'm just bein' an idiot again." He muttered hurriedly.
He couldn't do it. He couldn't say it.
He awkwardly shifted and made to do exactly as he planned and escape, but before he could even move, he felt Squall's hand attaching itself tightly to his wrist, preventing him from even starting the action.
His eyes snapped back over startledly towards the other, widened slightly.
"Don't lie to me," Squall ordered, eyes narrowed. "You said it was important."
His heartrate sped up even further and he was almost sure the other would be able to feel how fast and heavy his heart was pumping through his wrist even with those leather gloves on.
His trembling intensifying, Irvine looked away again, but fell out of his 'flight' body language. "...I... If I tell you... It could change everything. You might think of me differently. You might even push me away again." He said slowly before shaking his head. "I can't deal with that. I just... I can't. The thought of that, it's just-"
"Irvine." Squall interrupted, cutting the other off.
The stern, firm way the other spoke his name caused the cowboy to startle, head snapping back towards the other, eyes slightly widened in their surprise as they gazed at the other.
"I'm right here. I haven't gone anywhere. Tell me." The sentences were short and so very Squall-like, but the way the other continued to hold the sniper's stare as he spoke them and the way his face remained passively lax, eyes not so much hard as they were glinting with something, something Irvine almost didn't dare look deeper into.
Concern.
Squall was showing concern for him.
It felt so surreal suddenly.
He couldn't stop the eruption of almost hysteric chuckles that bubbled past his lips in response. Shoulders shaking, the cowboy could only laugh, reality suddenly seeming so far away and dream-like. It didn't feel real suddenly. All the times he'd ever wished or dreamed to see more depth of emotion in Squall's eyes didn't compare to this moment and his mind didn't really know how to register it.
His reaction caused a slow frown to grow on the leader's face.
Shaking his head frantically, trying to find words to tell the other he wasn't laughing at them, he was unable to because the moment he went to open his mouth, his body seized as he drew a long inhale, only to quickly choke as his throat and lungs began to rebel on him as he began to cough madly, the chuckles dying into coughing.
He couldn't stop, or help it at all as he doubled over, clutching at his neck as he felt his throat retching repeatedly and a wave of nausea hit him again and before he knew it, glacial flower petals began to fall out of his mouth, some covered in specks and droplets of blood as they stretched his throat and the jagged edges cut him.
Squall's eyes widened marginally in shock, mouth opening, unconsciously switching from breathing through his nose to his mouth as he inhaled sharply in a slight gasp. "What is...? Irvine...?" He tried to ask, but stopped, closing his mouth a moment later as he realized words failed him and he continued to stare in a mix of concern, shock, and curiosity at what was going on.
Irvine continued to cough, and petals after petals continued to fall from his mouth. When he felt so lightheaded and out of oxygen, edges of black lining his vision did the whole spell finally cease and he weakly collapsed down to his knees, breathing heavily, eyes snapping shut as he began to register the sensations of pain in his throat, mouth, and tongue, gagging as an after-effect for a long moment.
Squall moved over to stand by Irvine before kneeling down beside him and reached a hand out to steady and stabilize the other, biting on his tongue to keep silent with the questions he wanted to demand answers from the other. Instead he let out a heavy sigh and waited. He would press the other for answers once he caught his breath if he had to. This was more serious than he expected it to be.
Irvine strained to regain his steady breathing from the harsh pants it had become, trying to calm his racing heart and stop the bright sparkles that were dancing and glittering in his eyes. He subconsciously felt his body leaning to the side when he felt Squall's hand touch his shoulder and leaned his weight against the other, feeling shame welling up within himself. He hated showing this type of weakness to Squall. Though he knew the other didn't really care, it still bothered him. He tried so hard to act as Squall did and not let things bother him or get to him, but right now he felt so exhausted and in pain that he almost felt like crying. However he stubbornly fought off the stinging sensation welling at the corners of his eyes and sighed. "Sorry..." He whispered out.
"Irvine. Talk. This isn't something normal." The leader ordered quietly.
"..." Irvine let out another sigh, but nodded his head even as he felt his shoulders dropping even further and if anything, felt himself go even heavier.
The extra weight from irvine had Squall slowly changing his angle to go from kneeling to a sitting position to accommodate the extra weight of the cowboy and just let the other rest against him, frowing at how worn out the other seemed to look and the hollow shadows that were now coming to the other's eyes, dulling their colour.
"Five months ago, this slowly started. It was just a random cough, so I thought nothing of it. But it slowly started getting worse, and then the petals started coming out... They were freezing. My throat and tongue started going numb each time. When we were called here, I started doing some digging into the history books and medical books of afflictions and found one particular case... A plant that grows within a person, slowly suffocating them until it takes over the person's system and they... They die." He said, not looking over to Squall as he said it, balling his hands into fists as he said it, gritting his teeth as he uttered the last part.
Squall's eyes mildly widened in shock and surprise. "What caused it? Is there any way to stop it?" He asked.
"...There is, but..." Irvine began, sighing heavily. "It's not that simple."
"What is it?" Squall nearly demanded. For some reason hearing the other admit he was dying upset him. He didn't admit it very easily to anyone, but he did care about his friends and wanted to do everything he could to protect them. Hearing Irvine's case was so dire... He felt a sudden helplessness welling up inside him that he hated. He felt weak.
"...A force of equal feelings." Irvine answered slowly, finally looking up and over towards the leader, his eyes and expression grim. "You see... The plant begins growing from unrequited feelings. The person begins coughing out flower petals of that persons favorite flower, or one that fits them. Once... Once the host...expires...their body is transformed fully into an eternal bloom of that flower for the world to see. It's a cruel mockery, because the flowers are said to be the most beautiful because of the pain the host endured and lasts as a statement, a final, permanant display of their unreturned love."
Squall remained silent for a long time as he took in and processed the others words. The furrow of his brow kept getting deeper and deeper every so often until he finally spoke again. "You're in love with someone?" He finally asked. Though the other was used to Irvine's flirtatious ways and the way he would joke and flirt with Selphie and the other girls, everyone knew it was superficial and mostly for show, so the thought that Irvine actually held real, true feelings for someone almost perturbed him. It also made him curious in a slightly maddening way to want to know who it was. But it wasn't his business, it was Irvine's, so he chose not to pry further than asking a simple confirmation.
To that, the sniper hung their head again, as if ashamed to admit their feelings true, uttering out a soft, quiet 'Yeah...' in response.
For some reason, seeing the other so dejected made something in Squall's heart drop and his stomach churn a little. It hurt, if he was being honest, to see the other in such a state. He frowned all the more at the thought that Irvine was dying, as well. All because his feelings weren't returned. Who was it that didn't care for Irvine? It was hard -not- to like the sniper. He had an easy-going personality and adapted to just about anything and as long as one didn't pressure him and let him take things at his own pace he was fine. He almost felt angry, and at the same time, felt dismayed.
"Irvine... Do you know how much longer you have...?" He asked, voice not as strong as he wished it sounded, the slightest of quavering within his tone showing the inflection of his worry, his fear.
Hearing the change in the others voice, Irvine slowly blinked up at Squall and silently shook his head. "No... But if I had to guess with how bad these spells are getting and how hard it is to breathe at times...not much longer." He heard the wavering tone the other had and wanted nothing more than to be able to smile like usual and assure him things were fine, to laugh things off and do something to bring the other back to his usual neutral state, maybe even get him to crack the slightest of quirks to his lips at one of his stupid puns or one-liners but he was just so tired. His heart was aching and he was pretty sure he was feeling the plant inside him shifting, expanding within his body just a little further.
Swallowing back the helpless, frustrated noise he wanted to make, Squall tried his best to be strong as he shifted, standing before carefully pulling the other up to stand. "...Come on. Let's find somewhere nearby we can set up camp for the evening." He suggested, avoiding any more talk of Irvine's affliction, struggling with his own thoughts and emotions and keeping them in check.
Irvine called the avoidance for what it was internally, but didn't push the other, simply giving a nod of agreement and pulled away from Squall, letting out a deep sigh. "Right. I believe I saw an overhang of cliffs not far from here that should suffice to set up shelter under." He offered.
Nodding, Squall made a motion for the other to lead the way and Irvine wordlessly turned towards the mountains in the short distance and began ambling towards them at a slightly slower pace than his usual. Both were lost in their own thoughts along the way.
Once they reached the spot Irvine mentioned, they took their time setting up the campsite. Evening quickly settled and found them eating a silent dinner. Squall kept glancing every so often towards the cowboy, but it seemed the other was aware and purposely avoided meeting his gaze. It hurt truthfully, but Squall could understand to a point that Irvine was feeling vulnerable and didn't want him to see it. He could relate, he hated exposing his weak points, too. Too easy for people to take advantage of and abuse. Was Irvine worried that he would see him in a different light so much that he felt he had to avoid him now?
It felt like something stabbed painfully through his chest at the thought. He didn't want Irvine to close up to him. But... On the other hand, he couldn't blame him if he did. It wasn't like he was any better when things happened to him. He was prone to shutting everyone out when he was going through an issue. But it was Irvine, and Irvine wasn't like this. But then... This whole situation wasn't normal. Irvine was dying.
Dying.
The notion didn't want to compute within Squall's brain. It didn't want to register and understand what that meant.
Sure, he saw enough death to last him the rest of his life at this point, but not... Not his friends. Not the people he cared for. Another painful jolt ran through his chest and made his heart painfully skip a beat, making his breath catch. ...Would he be alone again?
He was so lost within his own thoughts and emotions he almost didn't notice when Irvine went into another coughing frenzy, but when he noticed he was almost instantly beside the other in concern, grasping the sniper's arm to hold him steady while his other hand went to the other's back and gave it several firm thumps in time with each seizing to lessen the spasms. He watched as petal after petal fell to the ground for a time until finally the coughing slowed, then stopped and Irvine was left breathing raggedly.
"Thanks... Think I'm gonna hit the hay early due to this... I'm sore." Irvine murmured, voice weak and raspy.
Squall gave a nod, releasing the other and watched them as they weakly made their way over to their bedroll and settled down on it, rolling onto their side and curling up into a tight ball.
Looking back down, he slowly bent down and plucked up a few of the petals Irvine coughed out to inspect them closer.
The petals were opalescent-like, a pale blue that shimmered like a crystal. The petal easily bent and moved like a normal flower but frosty smoke wisped off of the surface into the humid night air. It was fairly pleasing to look at and it stirred his Guardian Force Shiva within his mind and she hummed a pleased note at it. Her power resonated throughout his body and a faint glow surrounded him as he walked a bit ways away from the campsite so as not to disturb Irvine.
A gentle breeze blew past him and he let go of the petals in his hand and watched as the wind picked them up and carried them off. They didn't get too far before the petals began to glow and in a bright flash, the world's Eidolon Shiva appeared before him.
He felt his Shiva stir stronger in his mind, he could feel her pleasedness at seeing this world's counterpart.
Shiva took a glance around at the surrounding area as if to judge her location and what was going on before her glacial blue eyes settled on Squall.
"I was not expecting you. Where is the child with my Blessing?" She asked, her voice a soft tinkle like icicles breaking from a roof.
Squall cocked his head just slightly to the side in mild confusion, frowning. "Your blessing...? Do you mean Irvine? Is that plant growing in him your doing?" He could feel his prior agitation and anger welling up at the thought that this proverbial God might have cursed Irvine.
The Eidolon regarded him for a long moment before speaking again, her voice as hard and frigid as as the deepest freeze. "The child that has Hanahaki... Was not my doing, but it is my Blessing that keeps him from expiring from the cold that seeps through his body. Poor child, such a shame."
Squall turned slightly to glance back towards the campsite and looked to Irvine's prone form lying in his bedroll. "You... You gave him your Blessing to protect him?" He asked, surprise filling his voice.
"The last time you summoned my Aid I sensed how much the flower inside him had grown and how the frost was beginning to damage him. ...I took pity on him. I cannot remove the flower that grows within him without removing a part of his heart, so instead I extended what little time he has left by making him immune to the frost the flower gives off." She replied, waving her hand and a small swirl of frost wisped amidst her palm before taking shape into a flower. Its petals were exactly the same as the ones that Irvine had been coughing out.
"What do you mean, remove part of his heart?" Squall demanded.
"A mortal that contracts Hanahaki from unrequited feelings, roots of the flower grow from the host's heart. Removing the whole plant requires removing the roots from the heart. That will damage the heart. The feelings of love and affection will be removed, but the mortal is left with a sense of emptiness, unable to feel love for that person and makes it harder for them to love in general." Shiva explained, raising her hand and a heart formed beneath the flower and it began growing bigger before she made a show of carefully removing the roots from the heart in example, but it left holes and wounds behind on it despite how gentle she made the motion.
"..." Squall's expression fell and his eyes grew pained.
"Is there truly no way to stop it?" He asked weakly.
"Only if the mortal that the host has feelings for returns the sentiment can cure it in its entirety. That is the only other way to stop it." The Eidolon answered.
Squall's expression became pained once more as he looked towards Irvine again.
The Goddess regarded the mortal child before her with a critical eye before she stepped beside the other, also looking towards Irvine. "Does it pain you? To know the child grows this flower for you?" She asked.
The Eidolon's words did not sink in immediately and Squall merely stared blankly, his mind nothing but a static buzz for a few moments before the words hit him like a ton of bricks. "What?" He asked, tearing his eyes away from Irvine's sleeping form to look at Shiva.
"What did you say?"
Shiva merely stared back at the child, a single, pristine brow arching elegantly. "You truly did not realize?" She questioned, sounding surprised. Mortal workings and understanding sometimes fell short to her and she'd come to realize some mortals were truly unable to recognize signs.
Squall's mind became hazy in confusion, racing quickly as his mind attempted to understand the situation. Irvine, in love with him? It couldn't be. No, he did nothing at all to deserve the others attention and affection.
His heartrate began speeding up as he spun around to fixate his gaze on Irvine again, eyes swirling with the chaotic confusion he had as he tried to reason and understand.
"What about you, mortal?" Shiva questioned, interrupting the brunet's chaotic thoughts. "What say you, what are your true feelings for the child? He adores you with such a fierce devotion that it puts most followers of the Gods to shame. Can you not return his sentiments?"
Squall remained silent as he absorbed the new questions and found himself contemplating.
Nevermind at the moment that Irvine was in love with him, what did he feel for Irvine?
He was not the most in touch with his inner, deepest emotions and most of the time he did not know how to translate and understand them. He cared for his friends, that was true. He wanted to protect them. He didn't want to be alone. Quistis he looked to for her mind, her cold logic but also the side of her that could be almost wild, feral when she fought. And then there were times her emotional barriers came down and she expressed her true heart and sentiments without the logic holding her back. Selphie was everyone's smile and sunshine. But she was also the one that could be the most extreme and outgoing, putting forward the most outrageous ideas and suggestions. She was the most in tune with her emotions and thoughts and could harmonize both.
Zell... Zell was the kind that acted on instinct, thoughts coming second. He was definitely the one that reacted the most with his emotions, he wore them on his sleeve. Seifer... He snorted quietly to himself. Seifer was a hard read, and sometimes Squall was sure that for all the passionate emotions he had for his drive and motivation, he seemed out of sync with the rest of them. But then he would turn around and nearly spout poetic about things and talk about his romantic dreams, without ever actually revealing what those dreams actually were. He confused Squall ofte times even though he felt he understood him better than he did himself.
Irvine, though...
Thinking things over hard, he began slowly listing out the things he felt and knew about Irvine.
The other never strayed too far from his company if he wasn't with Selphie, and even though he loved to fill the silence, he would hold his tongue when alongside him. He appreciated the sniper's judgment calls when watching his back, he found their personality trying at times, but tolerable. He appreciated all the things Irvine did do for him, though. He appreciated seeing Irvine smile for real. There was a difference between his typical grins and his real smiles.
The grin was like a smokescreen or mask, really, but Irvine's real smile was filled with innocence. Whenever the cowboy smiled for real, it never failed to make his own lips slowly tilt up in response. He found himself always more interested in hearing what the other had to say or listening to the stories he had to tell.
There were times he felt the strangest sensations flittering and flowing through him. An occasional pounding from his heart, a strange lightheaded sensation that made him want to smile whenever the other came into the room. Whenever Irvine would get injured during the fights and skirmishes they would find themselves in, he would get angry and strike even harder at whoever did it. His Cure spells would come out stronger when he would cast them on the other.
So did he? Did he love Irvine? He really didn't know. He didn't know what to believe in his thoughts. He felt even more confused. "I... I don't know." He admitted, voice soft, revealing his uncertainty.
"I care about him, I've always seen him as a friend. I want to protect him. The thought of losing him scares me... I don't want to be alone. But at the same time... Is that enough? Would that be enough to constitute as love? I don't understand the majority of my feelings. Most of my life, I trained myself to keep them locked out." He answered.
The Queen of Ice stirred within him. He could feel her shifting within the back of his mind. The common pressure he felt where she rest within his memories eased, and he felt Shiva whisper soothingly through his mind, her voice like a gentle ruffle of fingers through his hair telling him to dig deeper into his memories, that she gave him space to look for a brief time.
Images began to swim by, accompanied by sensations and thoughts attached. Memories of childhood, with a younger Irvine always peeking around the corner whenever he and Seifer would get into a fight. The shy way he would quietly shuffle over to them when it was over, silently handing them the Potions Matron left for them. To his gummy little smile the first time Squall gave Irvine a gift for his birthday. He remembered feeling warm, and telling himself he wanted to keep the others smile all to himself.
He remembered the time Irvine held his hand when he'd stayed out all day in the rain crying, missing Ellone. He'd felt so lost and empty, but the weight and warmth of the others hand in his kept him from losing all of himself to the sadness.
And even now... He treasured Irvine. It wasn't ever what he said, it was always what he didn't say and the things he did that meant the most.
As he stood there, allowing all these things to fill him, he found that warm sensation growing again. Instead of fighting it or trying to shield it, he let it come. He let it wash over him. While he loved and enjoyed the cold, this type of warmth was nice. Almost safe feeling. Irvine was safe to him. He didn't have to hide who or what he was around Irvine.
The Eidolon observed the human for a long time and watched the haze in the others eyes become clearer and clearer until there was a subtle but unmistakable shine in their eyes and a small smile rose to her lips.
"It seems as if you have come to a conclusion." She murmured.
Squall's head slowly lift and he turned his eyes towards her. "...Irvine is special to me." He spoke, voice almost a whisper.
He cleared his throat, his expression became more and more sure after a few moments before he gave a firm nod. "I remember now. I always wanted to keep Irvine close, but I was too afraid they'd leave me, too. I always felt so happy whenever he would smile. Even now... Seeing him smile... It means more to me than I can say." He finished.
Shiva gave a nod of satisfaction, turning her gaze up towards the sky, viewing the moon and the stars in the sky. "You must reveal your feelings for him soon. The child truly does not have much time left. Days, really. Act quickly." She warned.
Squall frowned a little, looking slightly alarmed at her revealing just how long Irvine had left before he gave a resolute nod. "I'm not going to lose Irvine." He responded.
"Then I wish you well, mortal child. I go now, to return to the Ether until I am summoned once more." The Goddess replied.
Squall nodded, watching as she held her arms out to the sides before a chilly wind gusted and something like a miniature blizzard surroiunded her and in a flash if cold blue light, she was gone.
He turned, shuffling back to the campsite and sat himself down in front of the fire, once again looking over at Irvine. Now that he knew what he had to do, how could he say it? He wasn't good with words or expressing himself at all. He was awkward and froze up. Sometimes, he nearly got the jitters he froze up so bad. He was internally grateful he didn't make quite as much of a fool of himself as Laguna did and cramp up, but still, the point stood he was a wreck when he tried to express himself.
He was in the midst of trying to figure out the words he'd say to approach the other, when he heard Irvine shift and start coughing. His attention immediately snapped over to the other and he watched as Irvine curled up tight on his side, coughing harder and harder, waking up from his slumber and making a choked noise of frustration as he did so. So Shiva was right, it really was getting worse...
He quickly got up and moved over to Irvine's bedroll, prying the other out of his curl and to a setting up position while he braced him and once again thumped on his back firmly. Irvine's body shook from the tension with how hard he was coughing and a flurry of petals spilled from his lips, along with some droplets of blood. Squall frowned deeply when he noticed, worrying but he knew he had to wait the episode out before he could do anything more.
When the fit subsided, Squall just pulled Irvine's prone form against his own and let him lean against him to catch his breath. Irvine's eyelids fluttered as he struggled to stay conscious, drawing a deep breath in before letting it out and taking several short, quick inhalations, trying to regulate himself again. "Thanks... Sorry..." He got out.
Squall shook his head. "Don't try to talk right now." He ordered quietly before reaching up with his hand to wipe the blood away from Irvine's lips and focused on drawing the spell from within himself. "Curaga." A sparkling silver mote swirled around them and light engulfed the cowboy briefly and when it cleared, the sniper appeared to be breathing a little easier.
Irvine felt the spell hit him, mending the damage from the petals cutting him but also... He felt the plant inside him recede a great deal. His lungs didn't feel so restricted and he drew in a deep breath again and held it for a few moments before letting it out slow, repeating this a few times until he felt his heart calm down and began trying to breathe back at his normal rate. He swallowed, finally realizing he was leaning up against Squall and felt his shyness creping in before he weakly pulled away. "Thanks, Squall... I'm okay now." He murmured.
He didn't get far before Squall's hand stilled him, drawing him back. "No. You're not fine." He answered with a shake of his head before fixating his stormy grey-blue eyes on him. "Irvine, I need to know: Who is it you love?"
It was honestly now or never in Squall's mind. The situation wasn't great, but it allowed him to approach it in as controlled of a manner as he could. He needed to hear things from Irvine for himself.
Irvine swallowed again, breaking his eyes away from the stare Squall pinned him with, fidgeting slightly. He wanted to move away and hide from the question. "Please don't ask me this, Squall..." He whispered out pleadingly.
"Irvine Kinneas, stop being a coward. Your life's at stake. I refuse to lose you because you won't speak up." Squall responded harshly.
The words caused Irvine's head to snap back over with startled, widened eyes. "Wh-what?" He stammered.
"I said I'm not going to lose you. You're important to me, even if I have trouble showing this. So, please... Tell me." Squall answered.
"...You really mean that? I'm important?" Irvine asked weakly.
Squall gave a nod. "Yeah, you are. I know I don't show it or say it a lot, but I'm... I'm not good with that sort of thing. Emotions are confusing to me and trying to talk about and express them is even moreso, but I know what I feel."
irvine was silent for a long moment, taking in what the other said and trying to get a read on the other. Nothing the other said held a lie in it, he was long familiar with the way Squall would hide behind a wall of proverbial ice if he were trying to keep himself hidden or lie. His heart began to pound again, a small bit of hope filling him.
He felt almost giddy hearing the other tell him he was important.
Seifer's words came back to him about how if he admitted how he felt to the other, it'd stop. So maybe... Maybe with this...
He took a deep breath, trying to gather as much of his courage as he could before he managed to speak a single word. "You."
Squall blinked. "What?" He sounded confused.
Feeling his face flushing darkly, he looked away again. "Y-you wanted an answer... There it is. You." He mumbled embarrassedly, trying once again to pull away.
Squall's grip tightened and did not allow him to move.
"I know."
Wait, what? Did he hear that right?
He looked back with wide eyes towards the other.
Squall are looking at him still, expression lax and passive, gaze...fond?
"You...do?" He asked unsurely.
Squall nodded. "Shiva told me, but I wanted to hear it from you." He answered before he lessened his grip on the other, giving them the option to move away if he so chose. "Like I said... I'm not good at speaking what I think and feel alot, but Irvine, you are absolutely irreplaceable to me. Do you remember when we were little, for your eighth birthday, the gift I gave you?"
Irvine's eyes widened at the memory the other brought up, quickly nodding his head. "How could I forget that? It was one of the happiest days I ever had. I still have your gift, you know." He replied.
Now it was Squall's turn to look astonished. "You mean you still have that book?" He asked.
Irvine nodded, a small smile making its way onto his face. "Yeah, I've kept it safe all these years, treasuring it."
Seeing the other smiling a little, it brought the memory back of the smile Irvine had when he gave him that gift. "When you smiled that day when I gave you that book... I felt so warm, and I told myself I wanted to keep your smile all to myself." He admitted, looking away, faltering just a little with his awkwardness, feeling his own shyness coming to him but he pushed on, clearing his throat.
"...But I was always afraid. Afraid I'd lose you, too. I didn't want you to leave me, but I was too afraid to do anything. I didn't know how to tell you to stay. Shiva helped me to remember all of this, and how I felt. Out of everyone, you've always been the one there beside me, Seifer not withstanding. You're irreplaceable and special to me. More so than anyone else I've ever felt about." He finished.
"Oh..." Irvine whispered, feeling his heart thundering in his chest, surging his emotions and before he knew it, he twisted around and snatched up Squall's hands with his own, pressing their palms together before linking their fingers and leaned in close until his forehead pressed against the others. He was biting on his lip, struggling to get ahold of himself. He was a disaster right now, ne could feel his eyes stinging, eyes becoming blurry with tears as he let out a laugh. "Look at me, I'm such a mess."
Squall's hands were tingling with the warmth from Irvine's against his, they began trembling just the slightest with his own surging emotions. "You're not a mess," He assured the other. "At least, no more so than me. You've seen me at my worst. I remember... Whenever I would cry, you would sit beside me and hold my hand, not saying a word. I never lost myself fully because of you. You made everything brighter and bearable. Even now, I still need you to keep my sanity about things."
"I love you," Irvine blurted out quickly, before his face flushed brightly and he squeezed his eyes closed for a long moment, a few tears trickling down. "I could never stand seeing you hurting like that. I always hated how you'd bottle everything up and try to hide away. When you'd let me hold your hand and we'd sit there, it felt like-if only for a moment-you were sharing it with me."
Squall felt his own face reddening a little, unsure for a moment how precisely to handle the other's direct confession. After a moment, he slowly broke one of their hand holds to bring his hand up to brush the tears away on Irvine's face. After a moment, he moved his hand further back to thread his fingers into the cowboy's hair and slowly guides the other closer, daring himself to lean in until he pressed his lips against Irvine's.
It was a short, innocent sort of kiss and he pulled back quickly, as if afraid he'd gone too far. Irvine startled just a little at the sudden press of lips to his, eyes flinging open and despite the blurriness to his vision, he could clearly see the fear in Squall's expression and gaze and sought to reassure the other that things were fine by leaning back in and kissing him back, bringing his hand up to rest against the side of Squall's neck. There was something about that movement to Squall that made something else click within his mind.
Aside from the intimate sensation it gave him, his neck was a vulnerable spot and allowing Irvine to touch such a space and not feel the repulsive flight response he usually felt when one of his weak spots was exposed confirmed just hw much he did trust Irvine. He could feel himself falling into a relaxed lull into the cowboy's kiss, relief flooding his system that he hadn't pressed too much.
A sudden, bright light interrupted them and broke them apart as it engulfed Irvine.
"What-" Squall started, but the words were lost after a moment as the light withdrew itself from the other and took shape, forming into a beautiful, crystallized flower.
Irvine stared at the flower before him before his hand reached out to grasp it. "So that's what your true form is." He said aloud before he broke into a small smile. He held the flower out in offering to Squall. "It suits you."
Squall stared in wonder at the fully bloomed flower with a little bit of wonder. This...? This was what had been growing within Irvine? It was beautiful. The icy shine it had as it gave off a cool feel when he took it from Irvine's hand was pleasant. This...
This was the symbol of all of Irvine's feelings, culminating and growing into this bloom. There truly was no words Squall had for the gift he just received. Instead, he reached over with his free hand and pulled the cowboy close, leaning in to press his face into the crook of the sniper's neck, slipping his arm around him and held on tightly. "Thank you... I feel as if I don't deserve any of your feelings at all." He murmured against the other's skin. "Or that I can properly return them. But... I'm trying."
He drew back just enough to look at Irvine again, locking their gazes, allowing all of his walls he'd built up to come down and let the other see him. See everything. "I love you." He whispered out, feeling his face going redder than it ever had before, lashes lidding his gaze with the shyness but he didn't break their stare.
Irvine's breath caught at the other's words, his hear thundered and he could hear it pounding in his ears. Squall really was trying. It was more than he could ever dream or ask for. A large, broad smile broke onto his face before he leaned in pressing his cheek up against Squall's and gave him a gentle nuzzle before twisting his head and placing a kiss there before slowly moving further down and placed another kiss, repeating this down Squall's jawline before he moved and kissed Squall once again on the lips.
Pulse quickening with every kiss Irvine placed on him, Squall felt lightheaded when the other fully kissed him. Sheer warmth filled him, feeling like he'd been thrown into pure light. It engulfed him, but did not burn. He was both drowning and reveling in it. Everything felt almost too good to be real, but he knew he wasn't dreaming. This was real. So real it almost hurt. All he could do was tighten his hold he had on the other and give in to the sensation.
Only a few moments passed before Irvine pulled back from the kiss, still smiling brightly. "It's late; as much as I want to spend more time like this, I think we should wait 'til morning."
Squall swallowed down the mild disappointment he felt, but nodded in agreement. He made to move to pull away, to head back towards his own bedroll, but Irvine's hands stopped him.
Shaking his head, Irvine twisted around, pulling the other close again. "Stay with me, right here. I don't want to sleep alone tonight. There's enough room for both of us." He said.
Face flushing yet again, Squall mutely nodded his head, allowing the sniper to pull him down and shifted his body as he went until they were both lying there in Irvine's bedroll. It wasn't that it was uncomfortable to Squall, but it was definitely something he was unused to, this closeness, feeling something warm against his body.
Beyond the strangeness, it felt pleasant. He carefully reached past Irvine to set the flower he'd given him down so it wouldn't get crushed before he let his arm stay draped over Irvine, slowly tangling their legs together as he shifted and tucked his head under the cowboy's chin. He felt Irvine's fingers thread into his hair and begin combing through in a soothingly slow pace and felt his eyelids immediately become heavy, fluttering shut moments later of their own accord.
This wasn't quite perfect to Irvine, but it was close enough. Much closer than he could've ever dared to imagine. He tipped his head to place a kiss into Squall's hair, letting his own eyes close as he continued to let his fingers stroke through the gunblade wielder's hair. Neither knew exactly when they dozed off, but it was a peaceful slumber that embraced them.
Morning found Squall waking up to an already awake Irvine, which was surprising since he was usually the first one awake.
Irvine smiled down at him. "Mornin' darlin'."
Feeling shy, he ducked his head a little. "Hi..."
"None of that," Irvine urged, bringing a hand up to tilt Squall's head back up, shaking his head. "Don't hide. Let me see your beautiful face."
"Beautiful...?" Squall asked, still feeling shy but remained staring up at the other.
"Of course you are. You're one of the most handsome and most beautiful creatures I've ever known. I still feel like I'm dreaming... Like I'm going to wake up any moment and find this was just one of my mind's cruel jokes." Irvine responded.
Frowning a little at the other's words, Squall shook his head defiantly, leaning up to seal his lips to Irvine's, pressing his weight against the other. "It's real," He assured against his lips. "I'm real."
A sharp intake of air was Irvine's response before the cowboy's arms came around him again and clutched at him tightly as he returned the kiss.
When Squall pulled back, he said nothing more, simply staring openly at Irvine with all the affection he held for him. Irvine felt overwhelmed for a long moment, feeling as if he wanted to cry again but he simply smiled again. "It's going to take a little while for it to fully sink in I think, but we've got all the time now to adjust." He said
The leader nodded in agreement.
They were silent for a while, content just to simply stay close and bask in one another's presence. It was enough.
Eventually they separated and got up, going about their morning rituals of getting breakfast and stretching out before they made to pack up their small camp and get ready to head further on their travels.
Several days later, they ran into Seifer again.
"You look like you're about to piss rainbows, Kinneas." Sefier remarked when he saw how bright Irvine was smiling.
"I almost feel like I could, honestly." Irvine answered with a chuckle.
Seifer's brow arched. "So did you take my advice?" He asked.
"Sort of. Things just kinda worked out." Irvine responded.
The blond rolled his eyes. "You're both idiots, but..." He shrugged after another moment. "I guess I can be glad for you."
"Thanks, Seif." Irvine responded, glancing outwards across the way to check on Squall who was engaged with trying to fell one of the plains creatures. It wasn't that dangerous so he wasn't worried.
"By the way," He added on, tilting his head in curiosity. "When you said you'd been through it, too, did you really have Hanahaki as well?"
Seifer scowled immediately, crossing his arms defensively. "Yeah, what of it?"
"Just wondering, honestly. That's all." Irvine replied, raising his hands up in a pacifying gesture.
"It stopped when I brought it up to them." The other gunblade wielder answered gruffly.
"I see... Well, anyway. Enough about that. You'll come along with us, right?" The cowboy asked hopefully.
Seifer shook his head. "No, I've got my own things to take care of here. But if you're still hanging around when I'm done I might decide to tag along." He answered.
"Alright. Be safe, Seif." With a wave, Irvine turned and sauntered his way back towards Squall, pulling out Exeter and loading a bullet into its chamber, preparing to step in and help him out.
Seifer watched them both from the distance, head tilting thoughtfully. "Hmph. Stupid." He said again, though his voice was less cutting than usual. He turned his back, preparing to make his way off, but paused. An itching sensation tickled the back of his throat and he swallowed to clear it, but to no avail. Making an annoyed noise, he brought his hand up to his mouth and gave a loud cough to clear it before straightening and shaking his head, clenching his fist before he began to walk away.
After a little while, he unclenched his fist and something dropped from his gloved hand.
The breeze blew, and an icy blue flower petal twirled around followed by an ivory white one, taking off into the sky.
So it wasn't really gone after all... Seifer frowned to himself as he glanced up to the sky.
Well...
He could afford a little more time before he had to face the music.
Let them be happy for now.
Tearing his gaze away he stared straight ahead again and made his way across the plains towards his next goal in this world: Obtaining a Fire Crystal.
Squall and Irvine finished taking down the creature.
"What did Seifer want?" Squall asked.
Irvine shook his head. "Nothing muhc. He asked me if I took his advice when he saw how happy I was. I told him things worked out." He answered.
"I'm surprised he didn't make a big fuss." The gunblade wielder replied.
Chuckling, the sniper shrugged. "He said we're both idiots, but he was happy for us in his own way."
To that, Squall snorted. "That reminds me of a conversation we had a while back. But yeah, that sounds like him."
"What did he say?" Irvine asked curiously.
"It was mainly about us. Our...dynamic as it were. Honestly, I didn't quite get all of it, but he'd seemed pretty upset about it for a while. Neither of us really are quite sure what we are. Friends? Enemies? Allies? The lines have always been blurred for us. There's not an exact middle ground or defining point. We just are. But I guess he was trying to find some kind of place to stand with it." Squall answered with a shrug of his own.
"What did you tell him?" Irvine pushed.
Squall looked thoughtful. "I asked him if what we were really mattered in the end, when we both could read one another better than ourselves. Wasn't it enough to just be us instead of trying to label it. After a while, he seemed to agree with me and that was that." He answered.
"Huh... Yeah, that seems reasonable." Irvine responded with a nod of understanding.
"Enough about Seifer, let's get going. We still need to find that Cave and clear out the Behemoth in there." Squall said, motioning off towards the distant mountain range ahead of them.
"Yeah, you're right." Irvine agreed. "Lead the way, darlin', I'm right behind ya."
Together, they headed off to complete their task, none the wiser to the two petals that blew by them in the wind.
-End-